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Help me deal with my mentally ill father, who I still need to talk to.

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:27:56 -0800

How should I go about handling my (very) mentally ill father who goes through (primarily) emotionally/psychologically abusive phases with anyone he holds a relationship with? Completely cutting off contact is probably not a solution for a few reasons. Sorry for a long post, but...

History: My father is mentally ill, diagnosed as having a number of issues. He does not properly take his medication, and I'm not even sure that he bothers taking it at all, any more. It shows. I have been out of my (now divorced) parents' household for many years, but he calls me frequently--once a week--and tries desperately to keep tabs on what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. as he likes to try to gain control over people, so he can manipulate situations. It's a taxing relationship that would normally not be worth having, other than there are some issues at hand with cutting all ties. That's where I'm hoping to get some advice.

I thankfully haven't seen my father in about two years, but he's called me and known where I lived, which wasn't an easy place for him to travel to...intentionally. About a month ago, I began a big move, selling a bunch of my stuff with the idea of starting afresh and getting better stuff. I've graduated college, so it is a bit of a new life.

Before leaving where I was, I told my father that I was in the process of moving, but was going to drive around and find a place before settling down, which I have done; I said I'd have trouble getting in touch with him, as I'd be busy, which was/is true. I've only just gotten into a place over the past week. (Maybe it's worth noting that the place is much closer--several hours' drive--and more accessible to him now, which is a slight concern.) My father's been going crazy, though--no puns intended--as he only had my last landline number, so he hasn't been able to speak to me or keep up with what I'm doing. I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, but that wasn't enough, and now he's sending me emails saying I haven't gotten in touch with him for three months. That may be one of his occasional delusions, and I have no way of calculating whether he's reacting angrily or otherwise to it all. Overall, this isn't my problem.

My problem is that...well, really my problem is just that he's crazy, and I'm not (no more so than most!), and there's not really anything either of us can do about it, particularly if he's not going to take his medication and/or consistently go to therapy. When he calls me, he wants to act like he's never treated me badly. He wants to be all buddy-buddy, as if I've never had to keep him, a very large man, from chasing my mother; as if I've never had to call the cops on him; as if he's never verbally disowned me or threatened me to my face in one of his fits. Despite all this, I would still be more than happy to keep a distant relationship with him, where we send cards at holidays and we speak over the phone a couple of times a year. Being mentally ill, though, and pretty damn unapologetic, he can't seem to understand any of this, and he'd even somehow be offended if I tried (yet again) to get him to understand it.

Core Question: With all of this baggage and the issues that still exist, his latest email accusing me of not talking to him for three months (again, untrue) and the fact that he doesn't know where I am / doesn't have an easy means of contacting me leaves me wondering how I should handle it. I have options, but I'm just not sure which I should choose. Should I just cut ties? Should I tell him where I am? Should I give him my phone number? Should I see him again? Is it safe for me to? And on and on and on. I drive myself batty dealing with this.

"So, why are you still in touch with him at all? Why would you even consider it?" you might ask. There are three primary reasons:

1. This is the biggest reason, and it is a material one, but one I care deeply about, nonetheless. There is a lot of land somewhere that, as his only child, will go to me, unless he outright denies me from having it in his will. Some of that land is already in my name, but only a very small portion of it. I want it all, when he finally keels over from all his bad decisions, as morbid and vulturistic as that sounds. I grew up on that land some, and it means a lot to me. I am concerned that cutting contact with him would mean I would never see all of it again. On a lesser note, where he lives is where my parents lived for a long time; it is also the place my mother fled from, finally, a few years ago. A lot of my childhood keepsakes, that I desperately want, are locked up in that home with him.

2. He gets frantic and does some wild things that might affect my life. My father has been known to wiretap, hide recorders, hire private investigators, etc. He currently doesn't know where I am, but if he ever got into the frame of mind where he wanted to know, he could actually easily find out. He would even know if he looked on my Twitter account, but he's too lazy. He loves spending money, though, so if he decided he wanted to track me down, I'm sure he'd hire someone. Doing things like that seem to give him a feeling of importance. Clearly, for my own sanity, I don't want to be tracked down! It seems that minimal, but existing contact is the only way to eliminate this possibility.

3. One of the few ways my father has always tried to "apologize" to both my mother and myself is by spending money. He paid for my college tuition, and a very small part of me is a little bit afraid that if I piss him off, he'll try to come back some sort of way and get that money from me. He'd not have much on his side, as I've got emails from him which don't state I have to repay anything, but I don't want to go through the hassle or heartache of any of that. My father is "lawyer-and-sue happy," so this is a possible scenario, even if small.

So, yes, hopefully you see why I'm hesitant to completely cut ties. I feel like both material/financial and emotional things are at stake here.

Two final things:

Please note that "talk to a therapist" is not the answer I'm looking for, so I'd appreciate it if no one went that route. I have spoken to therapists and guidance counselors in the past, as recently as this year. They all recommend I distance myself from my father, if not completely cut ties. This is good advice, but it doesn't take into account some of the things I have at stake here, which counselors always seem to overlook for some reason. That being said, therapy to help me process all this crap probably is in order, and I'll see to that at some point, when I've got time and a steadier income.

The law is not on my side, really, other than in emergencies, so you shouldn't assume that it is. Restraining orders do little good, other than to rile up the mentally ill party, and it is incredibly difficult to institutionalize someone, even when they have emotionally and even physically abused people. Most of the time you can only get someone locked up for a few weeks; my father has been locked up for that amount of time in the past, only to be released, because of legal reasons concerning how long mental health patients can be kept under certain circumstances. I'm probably not looking for a way to deal with all this, law wise, but if you know of something I don't, I'd appreciate your sharing it.

I hope someone can help me figure out how to communicate with him, but still stay safe and get what I want in the end. Thanks, everyone.

How about that Super Bowl? By the way, I think you might have borderline personality disorder.

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 09:02:37 -0800

How does one tell a friend that they might have borderline personality disorder? I'm following this thread pretty closely, for personal reasons. I have a friend who, I've been pretty sure since I met her, has BPD. Before getting into the details, I just want to say: She's preposterously smart, driven, hilarious, and creative. She is not, as this link from the post would suggest, evil. And she definitely didn't cause the fall of Rome.

That said, she displays a range of borderline traits: wild mood swings, impulsiveness, self esteem issues, and most importantly, chronic abandonment issues that result in her testing, lashing out at, and emotionally exhausting those closest to her. Needless to say, it's interfering with her personal relationships, which it hurts to watch. As a result, she's now going through a divorce, after the better part of a decade of marriage.

She's currently being treated for anxiety, for which she takes Klonopin and attends talk therapy. On an ethical level (non-doctors, please feel free to reply), should I mention that she might want to ask her therapist about BPD, or seek dialectical behavioral therapy? If so, any recommendations on how to gently bring up the subject, without making her feel judged or abandoned?

Again, I really think she's great. It'd just be nice to see her get the help she needs, so she's not constantly stuck feeling alone in an emotional whirlwind. I figure it might also help her cope with the divorce, and either eventually reestablish rapport with her husband, or simply have better, future relationships, all around.

No TV, no beer make Homer something something...

sunshinesky — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:44:11 -0800

Borderline Personality Disorder: What's next? I just went through my first real, in depth, psychiatric assessment, and it looks like I have a diagnosis. I've never read about BPD, believing all this time that I was just depressed. I'm in the process of being referred for DBT, but I'd like suggestions on what to do in the meantime. It's going to be at least a couple weeks until I get into therapy, and I'm just starting new prescriptions of Wellbutrin and a low dose of Seroquel for my depression/anxiety.

What can I expect in the days, weeks, months and years to come? How can I help my boyfriend, and others around me, to cope? In the past you mefites haven't sounded so hopfeul, so share some more positive experiences, please! By all means, total horror shows will be just as helpful.

I feel like it's a big step just knowing what the hell it is that's been wrong with me all this time. I knew I wasn't 'just depressed'.

Anecdotes, resources, tips, anything!

data: 23, female, and I've had symptoms for upwards of 14 years. No, YANMD.

Affordable BPD treatment in NYC?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:27:38 -0800

I need to find affordable or sliding-scale treatment for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder in New York City, ideally Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I'm currently in a relationship with someone likely suffering from BPD, and the effects this has on her behavior are beginning to take a serious toll on our relationship and on my own psyche.

She has likely been diagnosed with BPD in the past, but would probably need to be re-diagnosed at this time as it has been many years since she was last treated.

She doesn't make very much money, as she's a graduate student working only part time, and I can't afford to help her with any medical expenses as I'm in a similar position. I doubt she could afford much more than $30 a session, and $15 would be idea.

I know its a long shot, but I figured its worth a try.

BPD mother-in-law to be ...

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 13:09:43 -0800

Planning a wedding. The twist? The bride-to-be's mother has BPD. I and my girlfriend are in the very early stages of planning a wedding. We haven't as of yet announced our engagement to anyone. The problem is my GF's mother, an undiagnosed, untreated Borderline Personality Disorder (and yes, we're certain). So far, its putting a serious crimp in our discussions of what we want (which is a small but friendly affair), knowing that whatever we choose could lead to the metaphorical terrorist at the back of the bus blowing up the whole thing. We've discussed not having a wedding at all, but feel like we don't want her to control our lives to that extent. Has anyone out there dealt with something like this, and can you offer tips, warnings, caveats?

(we own most of the books on BPD and have read the metafilter threads on same)

Should I tell my parents about my brother-in-law's felonies?

pembleton — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 18:39:09 -0800

I always thought my sister's fiance was an immature jerk. Yesterday I also found out that he's a felon! Should I let my parents in on it? My sister is four years younger than I am, and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. When she and her husband seperated at the end of last December she jumped almost immediately into another relationship. By the middle of January she had moved in with him, and they got engaged on Valentine's Day. Also, her personality did a complete turn-around...when she was with her ex, she was bland and preppy like him. Now that she's with her fiance, she's totally goth.

In my state they have a state-run website where you can search the circuit court records to find someone's criminal history. I had checked up on the fiance before, but I found out last weekend that I had been spelling his last name wrong. I put in his name with the correct spelling and found a pretty serious history. This year he's been sued in small claims court, and in the past few years he's had his wages garnished, been sued by an insurance company, been found guilty of stealing several thousand dollars from his employer, and been found guilty manufacturing and delivering narcotics. He also has a theft charge from high school and he's told me that he did drugs back then too, so this is sort of a pattern of behavior.

I feel like I should tell my parents. They have no idea about the fiance's past and might trust him more than they should. Also, if he did anything else wrong they'd be totally shocked. Plus, they're my parents! I think they should know the scoop on who their daughter is marrying. On the other hand, though, there's nothing they could say or do to convince my sister to dump the fiance, so I'm afraid I would just cause them unnecessary worry.

I also feel like I should tell my sister in case she isn't fully aware of her fiance's past. But then again, she already feels that the family is against her relationship, and I'm afraid that if she realizes how little I trusted her fiance, she'll take it as a personal slight and refuse to talk to the family.

So now here are my questions:

Should I tell my parents?

Should I tell my sister about her fiance's past?

Thanks everyone!

Dating someone with BPD?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 08:15:57 -0800

Just starting to date someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, please help. I am not 100% sure that I can continue to deal with this. As someone who grew up around an unpredictable and emotionally and physically abusive mother, I'm fairly used to chaos and irrationality from people close to me, but I've never had to deal with any where close to this from somebody I've been in a relationship with.

She seems to have it more or less under control, except when she drinks. I didn't really get this until the second time we went out drinking and it ended in tears and accusations.

But even when she is not drinking, there is a constant "Love Me, Leave Me" struggle where she is demanding of constant affirmations of her worth and if I don't respond (and even if I do respond), it ends up with her saying how worthless she is, I don't love her enough and that I'm going to leave her.

Almost anything seems to set her off, and anything I say to fix it only makes it worse.

Generally, my attitude with anyone like this is to just fold up and ignore the situation, tell her she's being silly and go off to be by myself until she calms down, but I gather one symptom of BPD is severe fear of rejection, so every time I do this, she acts like I just broke up with her.

I don't know if I can deal with this for too much longer. Can someone tell me if this gets better as you stay in the relationship, or is this something I'm going to have to deal with indefinitely? I've only been dating her for a little over a month, so this is something I can put up with for a while if she's going to calm down later.

But if this is never going to get better, I feel like I should just get out now.

Has anyone else here dated someone with BPD before?

Help me and my fiancee deal with her untreated BPD and OCD.

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 17:03:46 -0800

My fiancee has Borderline Personality Disorder and OCD. Please help us. Please be clear that our relationship, though it can be difficult, has so far successfully dealt with the behavior associated with her mental illness for four years. We are motivated to stay together and to work through this as individuals and a couple. Please refrain from simply advising us to part ways.

That said, there are two areas we need advice about. I am not a doctor and don't pretend to understand BPD or OCD or even which behaviors are caused by illness and which are her own free will. I'd like to better understand the illnesses and how others have dealt with being a significant other to someone who suffers from similar symptoms. The best advice would be in the form of your personal experience or books that recount other people's personal experience. Be advised that I don't tend to enjoy self help books or find them useful unless they are particularly thorough and not obvious. At this point, it's evident she's not improving as she ages. It's also not clear whether or not my behavior is helping her or enabling her in some negative way.

Secondly, she's been out of the care of mental health professionals since we have known each other. She is mostly functional, completed school and is entering her professional field as a distinguished and gifted practitioner. She wants help and recognizes the fact she needs help. I've been supportive, but have not pressured her to seek help outside of conversations we both respond possitively to. She's even agreed to times and dates when she would call a doctor and set up an appointment, but those dates always come and go with no action.

As much as we love each other and, in calmer times, can recognize our how well we've worked together, the symptoms she has are unbearable for her and have stretched my ample patience and tolerance very thin. Her OCD is relatively mild, but it's contentious when she throws out my belongings because of irrational fears. The symptoms of BPD, on the other hand, are not a minor inconvenience to either of us. In the past it has lead to promiscuity, drug use, self mutilation and suicide attempts. At present, it leads to scary ranges of emotions, irrational behavior that prevents her from socializing normally and delusional thought that dominates our day to day life. She's suffered long enough but can not help herself. I've learned that while I can help her stay mostly safe, I'd be kidding myself to believe she's any better off because of it.

How would you help a friend or loved one overcome such a fear to get professional help?

(A previous thread on BPD and searches for OCD have yielded little in the way of advice on this specific problem. She is looking for a therapist who does DBT locally, but actually going is an entirely different story.)