Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with bodylanguage

Looking for subtle ways to let people know that I'm gay

GraceCathedral — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 21:30:23 -0800

Looking for subtle ways to let people know that I'm gay My question is sort of the opposite of this one. I want people to be able to guess that I'm a lesbian by looking at me. A single lesbian. An available single lesbian who would love to be set up on a blind date with your cousin who just broke up with her partner.

I've been told that I don't really give off a "gay vibe". People are often surprised when I come out to them. More than one person has refused to believe me. I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong, but I'd like to change it. I feel like I would have an easier time connecting with other gay women if I made a more accurate first impression. Does anyone have advice for this sort of thing? Posture, body language, clothing, makeup, attitude, anything?

Possibly relevant detail: I'm short (5'4") and round (size 12). (I have this vague hope that someone will write back to say "Wear this dress. It will make you look like a lesbian." If anyone has a magic lesbian dress that comes in a size 12, I'm in).

How do I evaluate feedback at a job interview?

Seeba — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:18:29 -0800

How do I evaluate feedback at a job interview? I've been having slightly more success recently in my search for a job, but after four or five interviews in the last six months where I've been told things like: (to give the most recent example) "Well, you're who I'm recommending as the candidate-to-hire, after my in four days where I'll present you, I'll give you a call, let you know where we go from here."

On that forth day, I received a form letter, dated the day of the interview, telling me "Thank you for coming in, we've decided to go with someone who more closely fits our... etc etc"

I am quite perturbed-- not so much that I didn't get the job (though I, every time, wanted it, showed my enthusiasm, etc), but for the false signals, and a few times for the outright lies. (Making sure I'm not giving the wrong impression here-- I assume people are telling me the truth, and don't really want to change that; I may have just had a run of bad luck.)

How do I evaluate the feedback that I get at a job interview? I can tell sometimes when the interviewer obviously isn't interested (setting the resume down and ending the interview a few moments later is usually a pretty good tell), or if I say something that shows that I'm not who they're looking for, but how do I approach someone who says "Yup, you're who we're looking for, we'll let you know in a day or two"

Is there a polite/politic way to say "I won't be offended if you tell me an honest yes/no/maybe... but I'd really appreciate a bit of blunt feedback."
(I understand, especially for companies that go through a lot of applicants, that time restrictions will prevent a lot of this, but on second or third interviews with the same company, I'd figure the applicant pool shrinks quite a bit, giving them the extra thirty seconds to a minute?)

A followup-- I normally send a two line "Thank you for your time" note to whoever does the interview; would etiquette see this as hostile to send it to someone who said "I will call you with your results" and instead, sent a form letter?

Needs to find the sources of the physical vibes that I'm giving off.

sixcolors — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:16:30 -0800

Is it possible to alter your physical appearance in a way that will prevent you from being stereotyped (from STRANGERS), without trying too hard or not being yourself? I'm a petite female, mid-twenties, long hair. You will normally find me in jeans, tee-shirts (or polos, hoodies, or button downs), sneakers, and wearing some kind of hat. These clothes are usually from Gap, Old Navy, AE, or Target. I'm a fan of the color black, gray, and especially blue (regardless of the shade). Sometimes I wear tinted lipgloss. Sometimes I go without a purse. I am a pacer and a fidgeter...or I'm close to dosing off. My eyes are either darting all over the place, or really focused on whatever I'm looking at. I have a pretty deep voice. Out in public, I'm either alone, with my folks, or with my friends (who are actually very feminine!).

When I am out in the public I am sometimes alarmed how I am treated by strangers. This is NOT an everyday thing, but it happens enough that I'm at point where I'm considering changing something about the way I look (or my body language). The funny thing is that it is at one extreme or the other (when I'm not treated normally). I'm either treated like a churchlady*, or like a violent thieving skank whore, depending on the crowd. There has to be some sort of blind spot that I have, because I don't think I come across as either in no way! That's why I listed my physical description, maybe I'm missing something, that someone can point it out.

Treated like a "churchlady" examples: Went to a restaurant/lounge combo last weekend, 21 and up after 8:30, we arrived around 10. The waiter listed a list of popular alcoholic drinks to my all of my friends, but when he came to me he asked me if I wanted water, soda, or tea. That wasn't the first time that this has happend. The question "What church do you go to?" is often the second or third question people ask when meeting me (but they don't do this to my friends). Sometimes when I go to an R-rated movie, I'm asked by the person in the "box", "are you sure you want to see that?".

Treated like a thieve, whore, or violent person examples: Women sometimes cross the street when they see me, get up when a I sit down at a mall bench, or move their purses closer to themselves. I'm followed around in stores (more than the other customers). I was approached TWICE by hotel managers in two different hotels, asking me for identification, when there were dozens of other people in the lobby. Both times, when they found out that I wasn't a guest they threatened to call the cops if I didn't leave right away. Both times it was during a severe thunderstorm, and I was waiting until the weather got better. I know I was semi-trespassing or loitering, but it was strange how they singled me out like that. When I go to clubs, despite that my female friends like to dress in short skirts and go-go boots, I get approached (not them) by guys who try to feel up my shirt or down my pants and sometimes talk pretty dirty/sexual to me.

I have some pretty concrete examples, so this cannot be paranoia. Plus, there are times that I am treated normally, I think if I'm being paranoid I would be "experiencing" the above all the time, not sometimes. But, even "sometimes" is too much for me, I don't want to be treated like something I'm not, ever. I could see how people can assume those things about me once they get to know me a little (I'd rather not go into that), but not just by looking at me.

*No offense to church ladies! I used to be quite religious myself, but I'm not anymore. I don't want to be treated like one since I'm not one.

Rubbing hands together

tellurian — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 22:51:19 -0800

Rubbing your hands together as an indication of anticipation. Is this gesture common to all cultures?

Create opening for kiss or wait it out?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 May 2008 08:14:55 -0800

I fancy this girl. We've been on 8 dates now. We haven't kissed. Should I make a move, or wait for the 'moment' to arise, or have I been relegated to the 'friend zone'? [long] I met her in a club, and she later told me that she liked how I wasn't 'touchy' the way other guys are. So whilst I've been dying to kiss her, I've also been trying my best to respect her personal space, and to watch for body language that might indicate that she is ready or keen to be kissed.

The last time we went out to a club, she ended up spending half the time wrapped in my arms with her head resting on my chest as people jostled their way on and off a rather crowded dance floor. That's the most amount of mutually-initiated physical contact we've had.

Otherwise, we talk a fair amount when we meet up, eat lots of ice cream and cakes, but her body language seems rather closed up and conservative. We don't text or otherwise communicate much when we're not meeting up or trying to figure out when is the next time we're both free to meet up, though she has said that she finds it easy to talk to me and that that was another reason why she agreed to go out with me in the first place.

There are factors that might suggest that she is not ready for a relationship or anything close to it just yet: she has just started a rather hectic new job, and she broke up with her previous boyfriend a few months ago. The first time we went out she told me that she wanted to focus on her work, and that she wasn't ready for a relationship.

Yet we've been going out once, occasionally twice a week for the last month or so. I blame the relatively low frequency of our dates on her hectic work schedule that sometimes saddles her with back-to-back night and day shifts. The last time I sent her back, she asked me flat out (because she's that kind of down to earth, direct sort of person) what I thought of her so far, and I basically said that I liked her, liked talking and spending time with her, and that the only thing I didn't like about her was her hectic work schedule that prevented us from meeting up more often (said in a joking manner of course). I'm not the only one asking her out on these dates; she pulls her own weight in that department as well, and also suggests alternative times/days if she can't make the times/days that I suggest.

My question is: should I take it that she's waiting for me to create an opening, or should I wait till I receive stronger and more positive signals from her, or should I begin to reconcile myself to the possibility that this is as far as things might go?

This is my first relationshipfilter question, so please be gentle. :)

Help me understand human behaviour

ssg — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 05:49:41 -0800

How can I better understand social cues? I am looking primarily for books and other resources to better understand social cues, but I also welcome direct responses.

I find it difficult to interact with others socially. I think that part of my problem is that I have difficulty understanding other's social cues and sending appropriate signals myself. I've noticed this deficit mainly with contextual cues, but I'm sure I say inappropriate things as well.

For example, I don't make eye contact when I should and when I do make eye contact, I don't know how long to hold it for. I find it difficult to determine the appropriate moment to start speaking, especially in a conversation with more than one other person and I don't seem to signal others properly that I am about to speak. I'm unsure what sort of expression I should have on my face when listening to someone and so I tend to default to a blank expression. Although I probably don't notice most of the time, I can sometimes see that I am somehow making others uncomfortable.

I've found a lot of self-help books that deal with what to say when conversing with a relative stranger, how to make small talk, and so on, but haven't found much that deals with the contextual cues in detail. If I had something like a field guide to these cues, I think I'd be able to identify them in others and eventually use them myself, but at the moment, I don't even know what to look for.

Finding my way with others

DarkForest — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 19:23:21 -0800

Some people seem to have a 'way' about them of gaining the willing cooperation of those around them. I seem to have none of that 'way' at all and I'd like to see if I could gain a little of it. All too often I feel overrun by others and cannot seem to get a balanced amount of cooperation and respect. I guess this is about social status and how to rise a bit above my low rung on the ladder. I'm assuming a good bit of what I'm looking for falls into that ineffable domain of subtle body language, tone of voice, and such. Is there some way of learning these things in a class or other safe setting? I'm not really looking for leadership roles or anything like that, just that subtle something, whatever it is, that might make social operations run a bit more smoothly and successfully for me at work and at home and in other casual situations. Thanks for any tips you can offer.

Do deaf people get distracted by very expressive hand and body movements?

lychee — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 11:49:49 -0800

Is it annoying, distracting, or offensive to a deaf person who is using an interpreter to interact with hearing people who gesticulate a lot and have very expressive facial or body movements? I know being expressive with your face and body language is important when communicating in sign language, but let's say you have Person A, who is deaf; Person B, who is the interpreter; and Person C, a hearing person. If C is standing next to the interpreter and C is moving their hands around at the same level as the interpreter's hands, using expressive body language and moving around a bit, all while talking to A via the interpreter, is this distracting?

(One thing to note, C is expressive in general, so I don't think they are aping the signer's movements, but it feels to me like subconscious imitation, because I do sense a change in their body and hand movements when we are interacting with hearing persons versus when we are meeting with the deaf person.)

Stop staring at my hands....!

khites — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 07:54:32 -0800

I've just had a short tutorial with two of my students, and one of them kept staring at my hands... As part of my job I help out students sitting professional exams; these two failed so we had a quick overview tutorial. I was speaking quickly and rather animatedly explaining overarching concepts and the breadth of the syllabus when I noticed one of them was staring at my hands...

I am quite body-language aware, and have worked on my own body language through the years - I like to think I hold myself well, make good eye contact etc and I know that when I'm holding court on a subject I know well, I have very positive body language. But I found it really disconcerting to have someone watch my hands intently.

Do we have any body-language experts that can explain / relate to this? What does it say about someone if they watch your hands when you're speaking....

Help me not look insane.

evil holiday magic — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 15:25:15 -0800

Can I learn to show affect? People have told me that I often have no expression, or that when I'm talking a look blank and speak in a monotone. I've never been outgoing, but when I'm with familiars we crack jokes for hours and have a lot of fun. I expect that the people who know me are used to my subdued personality, but more than this, I think I'm doing something differently around the people I don't know. Even though I feel a continuity of emotion, I suspect I'm unable to express much of it in strange situations. In fact, I've seen myself on video doing this. Essentially, what I'm portraying in affect doesn't match what I'm feeling.

Can I train myself to be more expressive?

I want my hands to learn how to dance!

evariste — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 11:41:58 -0800

How can I become more expressive with my hands when I'm talking to people? When you see Italians (or Mediterraneans in general) talking their hands are all over the place punctuating the conversation and drawing pictures for their companion, and I'm jealous. I want my hands to talk with me, I really like that animated style of conversation, and I find it sort of sensual and more alive. I've decided I want my hands not to be a pair of dead fishes on the table when I'm talking to someone, but can't figure out what to do with them or how to get started. Can this skill be learned as an adult or do you have to grow up in a family that does it? I embarrass easily so it's hard for me to just start gesticulating in a conversation when I don't have a real sense of what my hands should be doing, exactly. It seems like it's a whole language of gesture and I don't know how to get started learning the "words" so I can start saying my own "phrases" with my hands at the same that I'm talking.

I know this hurts.

Jon Mitchell — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 17:34:57 -0800

Why is a blank stare and a quizzical, staccato head-tilt to the left or right Hollywood shorthand for "I am inhumanly evil/possessed by a demon/a liquid metal killing machine/a humanoid but emotionless android", amongst others? I've seen this in Terminator 2, Angel, Star Trek and other sources I don't remember, so I'm a little confused as to how much of the effect is a natural reaction, and how much is a learned cultural response to having seen it several times. Can anyone explain where this character tic originated, and how it provokes the effect it does ( that the character is either emotionless or inhuman in some profound way )?

Door holding etiquette

adampsyche — Tue, 21 Sep 2004 10:49:17 -0800

How far behind you does a person have to be in order for you to safely not hold the door for them, and not be considered rude?