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I need help with a new complicated relationship. Give me advice! Please!

GComes — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 16:49:24 -0800

I need help with a new complicated relationship. Give me advice! Please! I met this guy a few years ago when I was very very thin (anorexic). After getting over anorexia, I gained an extreme amount of weight. I really like this guy and recently started talking to him again and we have had amazing conversations and talked seriously about being together. I have not dated anyone in three years because I am so insecure and uncomfortable about the way I look. I, very stupidly, told him I was living in Florida (I live in California) because I thought if he saw me so overweight, he would be totally disgusted and not interested in me at all. I then told him I would be back in California in six months figuring if we were still talking I would have lost the weight by then and we could be together. I understand how insane this was. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, he found out I was lying. I apologized a million times. I explained my issues to him and he said if I didn't see him, he would stop talking to me. So I did. He said he was fine with the way I looked and would help me lose weight if that's what I wanted. I don't really believe that he is fine with how I look, but, that's what he claims. The problem now is that he doesn't trust me cause I lied to him. Completely understandable. He says he needs time to see if he can trust me again and wants to spend time with me to get to know me better and see who I really am despite my lie. The thing is though, he acts like he really wants nothing to do with me. We've seen each other twice since he found out I lied. We were talking every second before and now I feel like I'm stalking him when I call him cause he never answers and rarely calls back despite the fact that I know he knows I'm calling. I've asked him to be straight forward with me and just tell me if he's not interested in me anymore and that I won't be offended and then he tells me to stop acting like we're not going to see each other again and to stop saying things like that. It's very confusing. I don't want to completely forget about this for two reasons. One, he is the only man I have been comfortable being around romantically for three years and I don't think I would have the confidence to find someone else until I was thinner again. Two, I really actually do like him. I can't help but think the reason he is not interested in me is because of how overweight I am which is fine but then don't string me along and act like you'd like to get to know me. Anyway... what do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Do I just sit around and answer his call if/when he does call? Do I keep trying to make it work? HELP!

Another young woman feeling fat in her skinny jeans.

Rocket26 — Mon, 25 May 2009 06:52:34 -0800

How can I help resolve my body image issues? I'm not really overweight, though I definitely have some curves. I'm a woman, late twenties, between a size 8-12 ( size 8 when I've been watching what I eat and can squeeze into some skinny jeans, size 12 when I'm not really paying attention or stop exercising. I've been a size 6 a few times, too, but that's when I'm eating on like a regiment and I was younger then too.) And I'm 5'7 or 5'8, so I know I'm not really that big. But, I have a lot of friends that are smaller than me, like in the size 2-6 range. I know its not rational, but I feel like the fat friend and it sucks.

What do other people do to overcome their body image issues? I don't want to just diet my life away. Boring! I eat healthy enough, so I don't really need diet recommendations-- I know what I need to do to squeeze into my skinny jeans. I just- I guess I just don't want to care as much!

I feel like my body issues have developed slowly throughout my twenties, maybe because my body changed , or maybe I just became more aware of lookism. It drives me crazy though and makes me feel lame for thinking about my weight and what jeans I can fit into all the time.

Does this go away after time? I know I'm a beautiful girl- but rationally I feel "fat" like a lot of the time. Help?

Oh, good morning, Dying Alone! How have you been?

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 10:45:43 -0800

I am in my twenties, and I have given up on the idea of ever having sex again because I believe I am secretly too hideous for it. Let me explain. I have been single for years. Since I was last undressed with a man, in my late teens, I have had a mild skin disorder (on trunk, arms and legs) flare to the point of intense acne, spots and scars. It is genetic and can be smoothed and softened, but never cured. Rapid weight gain and loss has also stretch-marked me. I am an attractive woman when I am dressed. I do not think I could bear the disappointment and revulsion in the eyes of another person when they saw the rest of me.

I am not interested in casual sex, only relationships, but I can't see an attractive man without thinking: don't go close, don't say a word, it would all end in tears. I am furthermore not interested in being the sort of woman who settles for a smitten man who irritates her because he's a sure thing. I would rather be alone. I frankly like it -- my own schedule, my own place, my own cats. Being a young spinster is nice, but it won't last. Being 70 with no living family does not appeal to me so much.

So we come back to the horrible skin. Am I foolish for believing this is a deal-breaker? How do I avoid being treated with contempt, like a fat girl who's used and thrown away, her body a subject of jokes?

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