Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with bisexual

Previously straight-acting queer girl needs the dating 411!

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:16:38 -0800

I have a first date with a girl coming up, which is awesome and I'm psyched. Only... I've never dated girls before! Help! I realize that I should just "be myself" and such, but I'm nervous. I've always identified as queer and have kissed a few ladies in my time, but I've never dated another girl before and I'm kind of terrified that I'll make an ass out of myself.

I've had a series of long term relationships in the past, all with men. Should I mention that at the get go? The girl that I'm meeting identifies as gay (we met online) and I fear the stigma that can come with not having been a 'serious' lesbian, whatever that means. Also: are there signals that are commonly accepted among women as far as flirting and such? I feel like I'm sixteen again!

(Yes, I realize I'm probably overthinking this, I just really want this to go well!)

Who are our Pansexual Icons?

divabat — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:23:57 -0800

There are gay icons and lesbian icons - are there people who are bisexual/pansexual icons? I don't necessarily mean icons who are bisexual/pansexual (though they can be), but people who particularly appeal to bi/pan people the same way gay icons are, well, icons. How would you define such a person anyway?

I asked this on a LJ community for pansexuals and the only answer I got was the lead character of Torchwood, who's bisexual. Are there any others that would qualify? I'm thinking Lady Gaga or Angelina Jolie, but that's more "appeals to both sexes" rather than "appeals to bisexuals".

Who's my lover?

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 07:09:35 -0800

So, women-who-have-sex-with-women, what do you consider having had sex? I know that there is a school of thought that defines any significant sexual acts as having had sex. I also know that I wouldn't count just oral or manual sex with men in my list of men with whom I'd "had sex." Sexual activity? Yes, absolutely. Sexual activity that requires attention to STD details? Yes. But did I fuck X? No, I didn't fuck him, just a handjob. (If you have a huge problem with this definition, you may not need to answer this question.)

As a bisexual woman, I've drawn the line between messed around/foreplay/sexual activity/made out-with and "had sex with" in wholly subjective ways. Seems that we (me and other woman with whom i did...something) pretty much agree on the line, generally.

In heterosexual sex, one can quibble about the definition of "had sex" all one likes, but once penis is in vagina, no-one is disputing that this means that you've been lovers. In gay relationships, it seems to be a fuzzier line.

Sure, there's stuff between women that it is acknowledged that you'd only do with a more serious lover within the context of a relationship (i.e. we not usually fisting on the first date), but queer girls, where do you draw the line between making out and fucking?

How do I become more manly?

beingresourceful — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:18:51 -0800

How do I become more manly? Even though I think masculinity is bulls$#!%! I have realized: Sometimes. It takes work to not be jaded.

I have been thinking really bad things about men lately. Hating them.

I simultaneously despise them for their ridiculous fakeness and crave their acceptance.

Well.. here's the thing... I'm a guy. 23. Bisexual and possibly gay.

I have started realizing lately.. that because I have lived outside of societal gender roles and expectations, a lot of men view me as someone of a lesser class, who, basically, deserve "the ultimate insult" which is faggot.

I don't have a lisp. I don't have limp wrists. Most people are genuinely surprised when I tell them I am bisexual. I do look young, however, and have naturally blond hair. I am not overtly feminine, yet I am not afraid of doing, talking about, or being interested in things that are. I am not interested in pursuing things simply because "men" are supposed to pursue them.

I like what I like and that's that. Manly, right? But if I talk about something that "men aren't supposed to talk about", like say, interior design or lighting, or drink something I am not supposed to drink... then I get to deal with wry smiles and covert mockery. And that bothers me.

This all boils down to... I have a deep-seated inferiority around men. As a man. I would like to overcome this, without compromising who I am.

Instead of being jaded and despising men... well, if I think masculinity is such fake bulls$@%, I should be able to take advantage of its fakery and use it to my own advantage. Instead of opening myself up to lack of respect as a human. Is this right or flawed?

I have realized that, if masculinity is bullshit as I claim, then I should be able to use it to my advantage when I choose, without compromising me.

Not giving into to the gender expectations system (which apparently really is how the whole world works), has cost me. My proposed solution is kind of like.. finally "giving in" to the system, but not.

Any thoughts?

How do I handle this very unorthodox relationship?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 May 2009 20:52:42 -0800

I'm a 39 year old divorced man with a successful business. I've been in relationships with women all my life. A year ago, I met and started a relationship with an 18 year old man. I'm as in love with him as I was my wife in the early years, he's given me so much love and affection that I don't ever want to lose him. We both live straight lives and this is all in secret. I also love him enough that I know he has to live his life, the same chance I've had. How do I handle this?

What should I do about being involuntarily outed at work?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 07:18:34 -0800

I'm about to be involuntarily outed as a bisexual at work. What should I expect? I am a bisexual man in my late 30's. I work for a Fortune 500 company in a conservative state in the US. Although I have a college education, I was demoted last year from a highly skilled hourly position to a position as a factory worker to avoid layoff. I still make an acceptable wage for now and I have no intention of voluntarily leaving the company yet, especially in this economic climate.

After I transferred to my new position, I was assigned to work for and be trained by a man I will call "Bob". He and I work for an actual supervisor I will call "Jim". I'm pretty sure that Bob has unnaturally good gaydar, because he started to ask questions that were geared toward identifying my sexual orientation soon after we met. I never identified myself as a bisexual to him or anyone else.

At the time, unknown to me, a search on Google for my real name brought up my preferred internet handle, which was and is unique to me. A subsequent search for that handle brought up all the blog and usenet posts that I've made about my sexuality, my atheism, and a lot of other stuff that isn't anyone's business at work.

Bob started to blackmail me. He would make homophobic remarks to me,make thinly-veiled threats like, "people should be careful about what they say on the internet", and started a campaign to ruin my name as a worker with my coworkers and supervision. Last night, I heard him talking to our supervisor, Jim, about getting me fired for something that he had framed me for. I decided enough was enough.

Sexual orientation is a protected status in our company, so tomorrow I am going to file a sexual harassment case against Bob with the company. I've been told that Bob was written up a few years back for calling a lesbian at work a "stupid dyke". Hopefully, he'll be fired for this, though I have my doubts. Of course as soon as I do this, everyone I work with will find out that I'm bi.

As far as my bisexuality goes, I've been happily married to a woman for 15 years, have kids, don't flirt with guys or girls and basically live the life of a straight man (who really likes gay porn :). I decided a long time ago to stay in the closet. My wife and I are the only ones who know right now. She's totally cool with it.

So, my question (finally!): How should I deal with being forcefully outed at work when I am quite content (at this point) to stay in the closet? What can I expect from my mostly conservative coworkers?

Sorry for the long story, I just wanted to cover everything, since I can't respond to questions. TIA for your answers!

Can you help me find personal writing by bisexual men?

crabintheocean — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:48:06 -0800

As a bisexual woman I've been thinking lately about the strange status of bisexual men in my society (the USA). There are surely plenty of bi men around - I've met several and dated a couple, but I've read very little in depth writing from the point of view of men who date or sleep with both men and women. Anyone who isn't straight has to deal with a lot of prejudice, assumptions, and certain types of invisibility, but bisexual men seem to have an especially hard time. All types of queer people are generally stereotypes in the media when we're shown at all, but bisexual men only seem to appear as lying, cheating HIV transmitters on the DL, plot devices rather than characters. I'm well aware of how homophobia plays into all this - there's the belief (which bisexual women have to deal with too) that if you have sex with men that's your "real" orientation, there's the idea that being "fucked" is a blow to your social status, and there's a whole bunch of other unpleasant things. It seems to me like an especially difficult social position to be in, and I'm interested in how folks navigate that. I'm interested too in the ways that men might experience dating or sex with men and women differently from the ways that I do.

So please help me find blogs, articles, books etc that can help correct this imbalance in my reading and understanding. Anything from funny, to erotic, to political is fine, but obviously I'm looking for personal writing, not some guy who happens to be bi's tech blog! The thoughts of any MeFites would also be very welcome, either here or through MeFi Mail.

Why did she lie to me?

jnaps — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:52:58 -0800

I went to a bar with a girl I'm seeing and hung out with her group of friends...and also met two of her ex-boyfriends. I played it off, but when we met, she told me she was 140% lesbian. Am I being too hung up on labels or is it a little shady that she didn't tell me that she's bisexual? I'm not jealous, per se, and we haven't been dating that long (three weeks), and there has been absolutely no talk about making this serious, yet. In fact, once we talked about the situation, she told me that she was sleeping with one of the guys as recently as when first met.

She's a great girl, and I could really see myself falling for her, but this is giving me pause.

140% Lesbian /= Sleeping With Men.

Maybe 70%. Or maybe she's just not that good at lesbionic percentages?

Or am I completely overthinking this?

Hive mind, help a girl out?

Help me deal with bisexuality.

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:24:31 -0800

Fiancee best friend is bisexual. I have issues dealing with it. I have always been suspecting that my significant other's BFF was bi. But recently I got the confirmation.
These girls grew up together and they have known each other for far longer than I have known my significant other. They always act very affectionate towards each other.
When I found out I asked my fiancee about it and she said that nothing sexual ever happened between them and that she found out about this other girl's preference at the same time I did.
In fact, she was upset that I ever thought that she would hide such a thing from me. We're going through some relationship problems as well, and my question, which I posed in a less than gentle way, is only fueling the fire that is burning our relationship from the inside.

How can I mend things, assuage my suspicions, and how can I deal with my fiancee's friend in light of the new knowledge? My fiancee and I come from different backgrounds, mine is a lot more conservative. I have bisexual friends but they are not someone who I feel really close to, or someone that I have known practically my entire life.

bisexual/straight relationships...

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 08:17:00 -0800

bisexual/straight relationships.. my story...
i'm a bisexual female and in a relationship with a straight male. i'm attracted to him on all levels and want strong relationship with him only, but when it comes to sex, besides him, i still need and want to be with a woman. He is open to me having sexual relationships with other women.

I need advice on how to make things work in the bedroom with this type of setup...things to say so i won't end up hurting my bf in anyway or the other party.

how is it working for you?

S/he's bi. Still interested?

plaingurl — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:51:36 -0800

You: Either gender, heterosexual or homosexual. Your potential date: identifies as your preferred gender, but bisexual. Would you be willing to pursue a romantic relationship, not just a sexual one, with that person? Why or why not? I am writing a piece of creative nonfiction addressing various aspects of bisexuality, including the experiences and opinions of people who do not identify as bi (or pansexual, if you prefer vocabulary that avoids the two gender system).

Columnists like Dan Savage actively discourage people from becoming romantically involved with bisexual people, but while he gives general advice, he is also addressing specific people in specific situations, and I am interested in how a greater population feels about the topic. I realize that there is an exception to every rule, even personal ideals, but I’m interested in the general. It is the 'because' statements that interest me the most, as I'm trying to see if there is a trend or commonality in people's reasoning.

Similarly, have you had an experience dating a bisexual person? Would you do it again? Why or why not?

If you have an opinion or experience but don’t want it shared on a public forum, please email me: bvk3630 (at) gmail.com

NOTE: This is not the place for a discussion of anyone else’s opinions or experiences to take place. Please do not criticize anyone for what they say; I am just as interested in the ‘no, I wouldn’t because’ than I am in the ‘yes, I would because’ and in order for that to happen, it needs to be an open, nonjudgmental forum.

Bisexuality and the law?

GoodJob! — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 17:36:09 -0800

Calling all legal experts. Is it a potential lawsuit when a bisexual male does not disclose the fact he's active bisexual while he's actively involved with a heterosexual female?

Should I just crawl into bed with him?

rocket_johnny — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 18:59:42 -0800

I've lived with my best friend and another good friend for 3 years. I've known them for 7--since we were freshmen in college. I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual, and that I have a bit of a crush on my best friend. I'm having trouble telling him that I'm not straight. I've read everyone's advice not to tell him I'm crushing on him, because there is a good chance that would be messy. What is a good way to tell him that I'm bi though? Here is the thing. I own a very expensive rally race car with him. He's my best friend and very important to me (maybe I'm crazy). Not to mention that we're in a long term racing team together.

Also, he's gone off on gay people a few times. Example [I'm out to dinner with him and his mom]: "I think gay people are mentally ill. Homosexuality is a mental illness. Why else would people not be attracted to someone who would allow them to breed. Now I don't have a PROBLEM with gay people, I just have no respect for them and thing they're mentally ill."

He is constantly saying things like, "God, I hope people don't think we're fags" when we're out together.

But then he tells me that he hopes he can get a blow job if we go out, "preferably" from a woman.

My gay friend says that I should just go crawl into bed with him and give him a b/j. I started to broach the subject via email, and he just responded that he wouldn't be sucked into my "drama queen" thing.

Any ideas on how to get the courage up, but also to do it in a way where he won't just feel like I have him cornered? I think I have to do it.

Bisexual?

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 07:57:36 -0800

My husband and I had sex with another couple this past weekend. I was surprised by how strongly I enjoyed making out with and going down on the female. Does that make me bisexual? I am trying to grapple with my sexuality potentially changing. I have always identified as straight (but not narrow) and the idea of being bisexual is confusing and slightly upsetting (I am not sure why). I know I want to get with this girl again. I am not any less attracted to men. Am I bisexual?

Should I marry a woman when I also like men?

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 18:36:30 -0800

I am a guy who has been dating a wonderful girl for four years. We have been living together for most of that time. We are both out of college and in our mid-20s. Though this is my first relationship I feel like we are perfect for each other. She's had other relationships (long and short-term) and feels the same way. I am thinking of asking her to marry me, except for one thing: I am bisexual and it is difficult to give up men. As I said, we feel perfect. We settle arguments quickly and without tears. We have similar hobbies, interests, love spending time together, but are OK with each other having alone time. We have similar ideas about kids, family, finances, all of the important topics. I am sure I could spend the rest of my life with her.

The only doubts come because I have never dated or even kissed anyone else, man or woman (I was closeted until right before we began dating). It does not seem smart to make this commitment with so little experience because I have no basis for comparison. Furthermore I would like to explore the side of myself that is attracted to men. Early in the relationship we discussed this, but I have never acted on it because our relationship is so great and though early on she once said she would be OK with me exploring I could tell from looking at her that this would break her heart. Neither of us feel like we could "do" polyamory--she read "The Ethical Slut" for a human sexuality class and has no moral objections but neither of us could emotionally handle it. I do not want to just have anonymous hook-ups anyway, I want to try real dating.

What she and I have feels like true love in every definition of the word. But these doubts exist. I don't want to give up what I have and find out years later after dating others I'm an idiot. I also don't want to give up on men before ever trying them.

A little something after the cake, anyone?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 09:37:03 -0800

Looking for some great interracial bisexual porn on DVD. I am looking for some good bisexual porn on DVD that fulfills any of the following requirements:

1. Features a thuggish, built black man, a white man and a white woman with natural red hair. Or some combination of those three things.

2. A lesbian/hetero/bi DVD with two woman, one of them with natural red hair and one without and a white man (and, if possible, an addition black man)

The key points that are needed, to summarize: 1. Red-Headed woman; 2. Built black man; 3. DVD; 4. Able to ship cross-country.

And what a birthday it is going to be!

If you know of places where I can find this, and you don't want to answer here, you can e-mail me.

I want to come out as hetero at my gay workplace.

Anonymous — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 20:09:52 -0800

It is a good thing where I work that I identify as gay. Very good. Recently however, I have fallen (madly) for a hetero... This would be somewhat of an issue of at my gay workplace and I'd like some good ole MeFi advice (MI) For the past few years I've identified as gay. I work in an environment where that's not only accepted, it's actually a really, really good thing to be gay. I even (horror. shock. bad idea(!)) dated someone at work and everyone knew. Not a big deal. My bosses were all gay, and yes, it was a good gay old time.

Before working there, I dated members of the opposite gender (a long time ago), but since working at this company, it's been all homo....

Fast forward three years. I was transferred to a new office, where my new boss is gay and REALLY REALLY likes the gays. He's old school, like the kind where it was a big deal to come out and be gay when he was growing up in Hickville, Middle of Nowhere, so he takes the gays somewhat under his wing. I grew up in Large Urban Metro Center, and am young, and therefore have had no difficulties with this whatsoever.

I work with under 10 people. Everyone knows everyones business and we're together much more than a typical work place. We travel together. We eat together. We work weird, long hours.

Then. I meet a hetero. We fall for each other. Bad.

I am comfortable with my sexuality and the fact that I may not be categorizable. That is totally fine. I don't care about societal norms. I like the term queer. I like this hetero a lot. I am totally and completely fine with the psychological aspect of dating someone who may not have fit what I was previously into. That is not the issue.

But... I am so worried about telling my coworkers, or having them find out....I feel like this will not go over well at work, particularly since I recently transferred to this new location where Gay Boss loves that I'm gay. This is going to be an issue eventually, and I don't think this hetero is going to go away.

Any advice would be much appreciated...

What do you do with a new bisexual (maybe), earlaay in the maaarning...

Anonymous — Wed, 23 May 2007 13:20:21 -0800

I identify as a lesbian. Friends have recently begun discussing the fact that they think that that I'm bisexual. I honestly don't know if they're right. Help me find good essays/books/etc, preferably online, that deal with some of these issues... I just need to read some things to help me get my head straight, and things that preferably deal with a female gay-to-bi emotional transition. The reason I'm asking, instead of googling, is for suggestions of the good ones; I'm anon because of real-life friends being on mefi.

Bonus points if it has a nice bit on societal pressures to be straight, especially from guys (I generally hate the word, but discussions about 'heteronormativity' would be nice).

Being reasonably technical is ok, but anything at the level of Judith Butler's "Gender Trouble" is a way too much.

Personal experiences are welcome, but my friends are not the problem. They might be overstepping, but have good intentions, and trust me, I aired my grievances with their behaviour about this.

Should I tell my girlfriend I've had gay sex before?

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 15:57:57 -0800

Should I tell my long-term girlfriend (I'm male) that I have had sex with men in the past? I've tried to include all the details here, so this is a long one!

I am 22 year-old man. I've been with my current girlfriend for nearly 3 years now, and this is my first long-term relationship of any kind. We have a great relationship, in which we are both very supportive of each other. While I'm trying to write this dispassionately, I will say that I have grown a lot since we met 4 years ago and I really believe that she's the woman I'll marry. We talk often and communicate very well and openly. Except for one thing.

I have had 2 homosexual relationships before, and I haven't told her this. While keeping this from her is an issue for me, the questions it might raise about my sexuality aren't a problem. I'm quite confident in my sexuality, however it might be labelled (bisexual?). Most of my attractions are heterosexual. I've been physically attracted to men, but never emotionally. While my homosexual experiences were with guys I consider friends and get along great with, they were purely physical. I really doubt I'm going to wake up one day and think, "Oh shit, I was gay all along" -- I think I'm pretty much bisexual. I certainly don't feel like I'm repressing anything or missing out, any more than I'm repressing heterosexual urges. That is, I'm not going to cheat on her (or want to) with a man, for all the same reasons that I'm not going to cheat on her with a woman (although with that added reason that I'm less frequently attracted to men anyway).

I haven't told anyone else, simply because of all the bullshit I might have to go through for something that really isn't that important to me. I truly wish for others' sakes that not being 100% straight didn't carry a stigma in some peoples' eyes, but it does and for me personally, not coming out to the world doesn't bother me at all, so I've chosen not to risk suffering that stigma.

However I love my girlfriend, and while I'm fine with keeping this from everyone else I'm conflicted about keeping this from her. There's no doubt that apart from fearing her possible reaction, telling her would make me feel better. On the other hand, I don't want my telling the truth to make her worried that I might secretly be a gay man who's one day going to leave her for a guy. Her father left her family quite unexpectedly when she was young (he wasn't gay, fwiw) and she's told me before that this has made it hard for her to trust in relationships. Also I think she'd have a hard time dealing with this as she's pretty traditional in many respects. She's never expressed anything even remotely anti-gay, but I think it'd be huge bombshell nonetheless.

So my question is: What are reasons why I should tell her, and reasons why I should not tell her? Have you ever been in this situation -- on either side -- and what happened and how did it work out?

If you're not comfortable replying in the thread, please email mefi.anonymous@gmail.com. Also, I'll reply in the thread via the admins if necessary. Thanks!

By the way, I was properly tested for STDs before we started going out, and practised safe sex in all of my past sexual encounters. Despite this secret, I would never and have never put my girlfriend's health at risk.

I want it all?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 08:36:51 -0800

What do i do about bad sex? And confusion about my sexuality? This is really scary for me. And, frankly, getting pretty boring. Oof. Okay. I am 30. I am a woman. I have been with men and women over the years. Mostly men when I was younger, more women recently (two year relationship with "good" sex ended last year.) I have always been slightly at odds with myself for really finding men more attractive than I find women (for the most part) and really enjoying and having good sex with women whereas the sex I have had with um...ALL the men in my life has pretty much led me to think I am a lesbian.

I am open minded, verbal about my needs, curious about the desires of my partners, and a fairly well rounded lover. I like sex. I had never loved it. It never made me bump into things thinking about it, and I certainly never wanted it every day.

So this spring, I entered into a theoretical "purely physical" relationship with a man. A shy novice with a desire to learn. He gave me the first "g-spot" or "vaginal" orgasm I have ever had with out me having to say a word. The very first time we had sex. And it just kept getting better. Um, okay. I get it. Sex is clearly the center of the universe. How silly of me. I repent.

We really were a bad fit, however, emotionally and intellectually and I finally had to end it. I promise, it was the right decision. It didn't break my heart, but I sure wish he was the one to put me to bed every night...

So, a guy I dated in college, who I absolutely adore, has resurfaced and I deeply love this man with every fiber of my being. Always did. Can't seem to recall why it ended.... My "bits" really don't seem to agree.

The sex is just plain bad. Like, BAD bad. He seems to enjoy it, which baffles me. (Trust me, he wants to do it all the time!) So we clearly have sex in VERY different ways. Fine. Fair enough.

But there are other problems. The last man I was with had a large penis. Which I always though was neither here nor there. But...this man has a pretty small one. It's not why the sex is bad. Really, I'm pretty sure we could overcome that. It's the "sex" itself. But it sure doesn't help.

What is going on? I'm suddenly boy crazy due to the fact the I think some man will make me feel this way again. For the first time in my life, I'm absolutely NOT gaining ANY pleasure from sex at all with this present man that I love and respect and am attracted to (intensely...).

I suddenly have no attraction to women, but I know I could have at least "good" sex.

Did this "wonder" sex destroy my life?

Will I constantly compare every lover to him?

And how do I stop myself from thinking upon meeting a nice man, "um...can we have sex first, just to be sure it's worth the emotions?"

Have I completely lost my mind?

Anyone out there have any words of advice at all?

What Physical Identifiers Exist to Signify Not-Quite-Straightness?

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Jan 2005 10:01:38 -0800

Bisexualfilter: I am a bisexual, Asian girl who is not quite out of the closet yet. Having a boyfriend kind of pulls me off any possible gaydar at the moment. However, I would like to know what physical "identifiers" there are to know whether someone's not-quite-straight, or whether I can do anything to let people clue in a bit without being too obvious. (So rainbow anything isn't really what I'm looking for, nor those badges that say attempt to be clever but come out trashy.) Thank you very much!

Online community software needed

moonbird — Fri, 19 Dec 2003 08:21:37 -0800

I'm toying with opening a site based upon the MeFi model for LGBT issues and community building. What software programs do MeFi and other online communities use to administer the system? I've really only installed MT and other simple programs before, so I'm looking for ease of install as well as ease of use... Thanks in advance!