Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with betrayal

Hell is thinking about other people.

taramosalata — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:01:08 -0800

Since childhood I've been a rather sensitive and justice-obsessed person, but also pretty interested in / attentive to the well-being and inner lives of other people. But I feel increasingly drained. In my field of work there is a lot of getting-ahead through nepotism/ingratiation rather than ability/ passion/effort, and it bothers me. In my life I have people whom I generally like and have opened up to, but who, at critical junctures, exhibit such self-absorption that I'm left feeling not only outraged but injured. I want to change the intensity and duration of my reaction to these things, as it's a huge waste of time, and sometimes upsets my own self-esteem. Please help me stop thinking about other people without becoming alienated and alienating.

"Don't hire her, she's pregnant. You will need to train someone new in June when the baby is due. Not a wise move"

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:27:33 -0800

Please help me analyse this workplace drama. I feel betrayed by my friends and discriminated against for being pregnant. Please help me get my head around this situation. Sorry about the "chick drama" nature of it.

I have struggled to get pregnant for about a year now, and through the IVF process I confided in two good friends at work, let's call them Bea and Lori. Bea and Lori have been enquiring about the status of my uterus frequently and with great interest, so when I did fall pregnant I confided in them and shared my joyful news. I asked them to be very discreet about it (as you do), due to the high risk of miscarriage early on but also because I am in a vulnerable position at work and am scared of losing my rights to maternity leave. I said specifically to not tell bosslady Vicky, because although Vicky is a mutual friend and a kind boss, she incidentally has connections to a number of areas in my professional and personal life where I did not want the news of my baby to leak out. Bea and Lori crossed their hearts and promised not to tell Vicky or anyone else.

Fast forward to now, I am 10 weeks pregnant, and just found out that bosslady Vicky was considering offering me a job within the large company I already work, but a different department (one that I much prefer to where I currently am). Vicky consulted with Lori and Bea, who together made the shocking decision to tell Vicky that I was pregnant. Bea, backed up by Lori, basically said "Don't hire her, she's pregnant. You will need to train someone new in June when the baby is due. Not a wise move". I am 99% sure that the "agreement" to tell Vicky was instigated by Bea. When I met Lori today I could tell something was up, and it didn't take me long to get her to confess. She was ever so sorry, and close to tears. I really care about Lori as a friend, she has been such an angel up until now. She begged me not to tell Bea or Vicky that she confessed. I would like to tear Bea's head off - much more so than Lori's.

Before I (potentially) take this any further, or go over it in my head for the nth time, I need some input from you guys.

Was I stupid and naive to trust these friends?

Is this what you would call a gross betrayal? It bloody well feels like it.

In your life, is loyalty to your work > loyalty to your friends?

Bonus LegalFilter question: Would this situation be grounds for any kind of lawsuit or official complaint? Obviously I wasn't offered the job because I'm pregnant. Discrimination, right? I am in Australia (Vic), but any legal advice is appreciated.

how to write a letter to an insecure and abusive father

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:59:06 -0800

How to write a brief email to a disrespectful parent who stole money to try to get it back? Almost five years ago, I had a mental breakdown, in the course of which partly on the advice of my parents I transferred property to my father's name.

He said at the time this is still your property, it's in my name for now only for convenience.

About two years ago he met a (married!) woman half his age who got him a viagra prescription, he was adulterous with her, then she got divorced and then married my father. Then I heard about it.

I asked him if he had taken any precautions about my equity in the property, and he had not, in fact he had already sold part of it. After thirty years of basically having a civil and enjoyable relationship with the old eccentric, he betrayed me. He was the only one in my family I had any connection to, as my mother and sister are both man-hating lesbians.

Most of the property including a house is now sitting empty. He has no mortgage on the place and lives in a new house he bought for his "wife" with proceeds from selling part of my property.

It's been 18 months since I saw him (I essentially stormed out of his house in anger at his betrayal). I have no desire whatsoever to mend any relationship with him.

He refused mediation, he refused arbitration, and when I tried to get a mutual colleague to talk to him, he snubbed that, saying I should communicate with him directly. But I am not in a place where I can do that effectively. He's an insecure, p***y-wh*pp** old man who betrayed me, and I am not able to put it aside: all I would do if I talk to him is make him defensive.

The fact is that mortgage rates are very low right now and the dollar is strong. I would be willing to accept a partial robbery and write it off if he comes up with 70% of the cash now, which he could definitely do.

Feel free to tell me to just move in if you want, and I'll consider it, but what I'd very much appreciate is if you could write me one paragraph that I can just copy and paste into an email to him proposing a settlement Right Now, that doesn't seem like a "starting point for further bargaining", all without being accusative even though I have no respect for him and detest him.

Where to start when you start over?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:49:46 -0800

How do you start over, with a new love or without one? Heartfelt, soul-searching soap opera of my life and love inside. You met them (to avoid silly pronoun problems) on the internet. They made you laugh. You thought it was harmless. Both of you had other commitments, other relationships in your lives.

Neither of you intended it to go anywhere. It was just supposed to be friendship. Somehow, you tumble head-over-heels anyway. They confess to feeling the same way.

You both overcome boundaries--complicated personal relationships, huge geographical distances--to meet "IRL". You figure it has all been too good to be true online. Surely this will only lead to disappointment IRL.

But you meet. You laugh often. You revel in the conversation and lively debate. Evntually, inevitably, you make love. The sex is incredible. You have never felt so free, so independent in your life. And you feel like...yourself. No pretenses, no subterfuge. Then the two of you separate as planned, go back to your "other lives".

Being pragmatic by nature, you tell yourself that you are just infatuated, that you are not thinking clearly. Happens all the time, you know. People do this. They meet online, get together, fool themselves that they have something when they don't. This will pass, you tell yourself. The infatuation will fade. It's wrong to feel this way. Let it go.

You make a dedicated effort to end it, going months without contacting them. You fall into a deep depression. You go to therapy, you take medication. Nothing helps. Conversely, even your real-life relationship, which you had sought to help by this separation, worsens because you feel so disconnected to everything and everyone emotionally.

Only when you are with them, even if it is only online, are you happy. It is not what they do--just knowing they are part of your life is enough. And when, finally, you accept this and get back in touch with them, it's as if no time at all has passed. The two of you come back together seamlessly, effortlessly. And, of course, you want more than just the online stuff. You continue to see them when you can.

This is not just a fling, like so many others. The feelings only grow stronger over time. Gradually, It becomes a relationship measured not in days, weeks or even months, but years. Their support has helped you do things in your real life you never had the courage to do before. They've helped you discover yourself. Along the way, you have come to terms with the problems in your real life relationship, and you know you have to do something about them. You know there is little communication, and that you have never had the emotional intimacy you need to thrive.

You feel you could be independent now, when before you felt trapped. At various times in your relationship with them, you have both considered changing your lives, despite the many hardships and the others involved, to be together. Now, you feel you are ready.

You understand that they may not be able to go through with it. It's a huge commitment. You know that in the end they may lack the conviction or the courage to leave the life they have now. Only they can decide what is right for them.

Regardless of what they do, you feel you must make the change in your own life. It is not about a promise of something that might be, but an end to something that no longer is.

And of course you're scared to death. This is a secret years in the making. You can handle being called selfish, a betrayer--you deserve all that. But you don't want to hurt anyone any more than you have to when you leave. You don't even know if you should tell them the whole truth, the why behind your decision.

So you go online, and ask nameless, faceless people you have never met, (but maybe people who will be objective simply because they don't know you) HOW do you do this?

How do you end one life and begin another without destroying the lives of those you leave behind? How do you move out on your own when you have always been sheltered and protected before?

Where do you START?

How do I face the Other Woman?

deadlypenguin — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:40:13 -0800

How do I face the Other Woman? In recent months the decade long relationship between me and the love of my life began to crumble. It's demise was hastened in many ways by the existence of his friend, who used to be my friend too. She became the recipient of the affection, flirtation, and intimacy that was lacking in our relationship and this eventually led to a cataclysmic fight. We broke up and he immediately went into her arms for solace and comfort and physical affection.

Since then we have decided to give it another try and are currently in couples counseling, and we are making the first tentative steps towards repairing the things that are broken and reestablishing actual paths of communication. There is still a lot of pain and anguish, and a lot of things to be worked out, and things may not even be repairable, but that is not what this question is about.

She is still in our lives. They work together, we have friends in common (who do not know what went on and who do not need to know). I cannot avoid seeing her in a social setting forever. I can limit the frequency but sooner or later, at a work or friendly social gathering, I will have to face her, and the thought of seeing her, even the act of typing this question is putting a knot in the pit of my stomach. I want to scream at her and tear my hair out and run away as fast as I can and dissolve into tears and lock myself into a dark closet and punch her with all of my strength, all at once. I can't look at her, or think about her without thinking about all the things that happened, all the ways she contributed so heavily to this horrible mess that I find myself in now.

This isn't misdirected anger at her, I am hurt and angered and pained and saddened by the actions of both of them, who both knew better but let things get too far anyways, they both share the blame for what happened. But she was supposed to be my friend, and she saw us broken and worn down and devastated over the breakdown of our relationship and she could have removed herself from the equation, but chose not to, and I cannot help but feel betrayed by her as well.

So what on earth can I possibly tell myself, or think, or do, that can help me face her at the next dinner party? I can see other friends and dodge invitations, but not forever, and not without making it an even bigger deal, and denying myself the company of my own friends at parties and birthdays and holidays. How can I make small talk and smile and endure, knowing how large a contribution she made to the heartbreak in my life of late?

Homekeeping

Lieber Frau — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 12:13:10 -0800

We put blood, sweat, and tears into our Canadian apartment. We moved to Chicago for school, and roommates are leaving earlier than agreed. Looks like we might lose a place we cherish and need. Help? Background: My partner and I moved into a Toronto apartment in 2004, with an old and very close friend (let's call him Jeff). It was a shithole warehouse that we tore down and built back up into something beautiful, with Jeff's help. We all put time, energy, lots of money, and lots of love into making the place what it is, and it means a lot to us. We spent three years of happiness together there, and it is home. Everything we own that we cherish, including thousands of books, movies, and 12 years of history, is in that apartment.

In 2007, we left Toronto to go to Chicago, where I am from, and my partner is attending grad school. The agreement was that Jeff and another close friend of ours (let's say Gordie) would stay in the place for at least two years, holding it down until grad school was over.

Everyone was pleased with this arrangement, and we knew what a lucky break we got. We could rest easy, our home was secure for at least another two years. We didn't have to move our volumes of books, or our wealth of artwork and history.

But a few months ago, Jeff decided to let us know he was moving into his girlfriend's very nice house. Ok, we could work with that, find a replacement for Jeff and let Gordie stay on. But today...Jeff did something we consider vile, particularly in light of our 12 year history with him. He and his girlfriend offered Gordie an incredibly cheap room in their house, which wants to take. Obviously, this makes everything much, much more difficult.

Besides feeling betrayed, this puts us in a dilemma. If we find replacement roommates, they will be strangers, and they'll be strangers in an apartment laden with our personal histories. We can't afford to put our personal items in storage. There are too many, and we're already up to our necks in bills. Money's tight. Moving our stuff down to Chicago would cost thousands, and be temporary.

We want to keep this place, we want it to be ours when we eventually return. We're in a tight bind. Any suggestions would be welcomed.

My mother-in-law secretly baptized my Jewish children

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 20:33:26 -0800

I'm Jewish. My wife converted many years ago. I found out that my Mother-In-Law secretly baptized my children. My wife does not know.

Whatever respect I have for my mother-in-law is shattered. Along with my trust. I have no idea where to begin. How could a mother do this to her daughter? How could she mock my children's religion? How could a Priest allow this?

And it gets deeper. Person A told Person B. Person B, who could no longer keep this to themselves, cracked and told me. need to let person A know that B told me. Person A, who is very dear to me, is not in a position where I expected them to tell me. But A and B were put in an awful position of knowing this while my wife and I were in the dark.

I don't any real hard facts or evidence but now I need to find out what is going on. All I really know is that this was done swiftly with an at-home kit. I also learned that my MIL's current Priest, who only recently took over the church, expressed disapproval upon finding out that this happened.

My children are very knowledgeable and proud of their religion. I do not believe that they are damaged (no offense anyone)in the least.

I need to find out what happened and I need to deal with this. Of course, I have no idea how to break this to my wife. I figure that having facts will make this easier.

I have a good relationship with my father-in-law, I figure I can let him know I found out and discuss this. Considering the family dynamics, I'm sure that father-in-law didn't know about this act until it happened.

I feel like I can also ask the current Priest, as I have a good relationship with him; and I would expect a Priest to tell the truth.

kiss and told. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 02:55:30 -0800

2 months before the wedding. Fiance kissed another man while drunk. Told me about it. Now what? She had confessed to having a crush on a co-worker a few months ago, but after talking about it with me seemed to be over it. However, tonight was her office's xmas party which I did not attend. She came home really hammered and told me that she kissed this co-worker at the party. Apparently, she pulled him into a bathroom to ask him why he was ignoring her, one thing led to another and they kissed a few times. They then talked about a sexual tension between them, but she said she loved me and he said he loved his fiance and that was the end of it (as far as I know). They were both drunk at the time.

I am very pissed off about this and but I feel very conflicted about it at the same time. I mean on the scale of cheating, kissing someone is below fucking them, but it was still a betrayal of my trust. One minute I feel like I could forgive her and the next minute I think that there's no way I'll be able to trust her again BUT she was at least honest enough to tell me right away and was very contrite about it BUT she initiated the whole thing. ARGH!

This is the first time something like this has happened and we've been together about 9 years now. I feel like I need some outside advice on how serious a betrayal this is - as the wedding date has gotten closer she's gone from being happy about it to somewhat "blah", so this might be just jitters(?), I don't know, but now I am just disappointed and disgusted, mostly because it was with some guy she had already said she was over - and I trusted her about that and look where it got me.

In your opinions, how serious is this? If I called off the wedding or broke up with her would I be over-reacting?

Convincing Yourself to Trust?

WCityMike — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 23:05:15 -0800

How do I get past the trust issues brought about from an abrupt, unexplained end to a close friendship of three and a half years? I really couldn't post about this earlier; it's a bit intimidating to post about emotionally sensitive issues to AskMefi. It makes me get a much more healthy respect for the courage of people who asked about issues in their lives much more sensitive than what I ask about below, and what I ask about below is more than a bit tough for me. My hat's off to them. Anyway, *deep breath*, here we go.

In March 2007, my best friend of four years abruptly stopped speaking to me, with no explanation at all. I initially made a few calls, and then sent four or five e-mail messages over the months between then and now, encouraging him to argue out whatever he needed to with me ... or at the very least, to tell me what was going on. At this point, I can't do anything more to encourage a response without feeling like a stalker, and, indeed, I'm aware that there's a line both of my dignity and of his privacy that I don't want to cross. So as November 2007 rolls in, I'm coming to terms with the fact there's nothing more I can do to find out what the hell happened. So the friendship is utterly gone, now, and moreover, I will never know why.

There are two issues I'm having difficulty with in coping with this.

First, I'm finding that dealing with this is made significantly more difficult by the fact that I have no explanation, no reason why this friendship that meant a great deal to me was ended. Even were the explanation to have been a ridiculous one, it would have helped to have known, say, that wearing a striped argyle sock was the causative factor. But in the last two e-mails, I asked him to at the very least share his reasoning for the friendship's termination, promising that it'd not serve as the prelude to an argument; that even if I didn't accept it, I'd nevertheless nod and move on — I asked him to at least tell me this, so that I could find some peace over this and move onward. The silence merely continued. I canvassed my memories of the time intensely, as well as those e-mail messages I have from that time. I can't find anything that remotely could be causative — neither something loud and garish nor something subtle. It is not due to anything solely technical in nature, and, given that he and I take the same subway route and a month ago my departing train passed by him standing on the platform, I can safely assume he did not die, get struck with amnesia, or fall into a coma. So ... I'm not going to even get a reason. It's hard enough that the friendship ended; it's made much harder by the fact that the reason why it ended will never be revealed to me.

Second, this has placed me in a situation where I need to start creating some new social circles from scratch. For years, I had needed to do this anyway, but now, I find myself in my early thirties with literally no in-person friendships whatsoever, and no social activities. A pathetic state of affairs, but for many years, I worked at a bad job that sapped my energy by day's end, and during all of that time and more, I had uncorrected sleep apnea that was de-evolving me to the point where I could have starred in a George Romero film quite easily ("braiiiiiiiiiiiiiins") i was a zombie, get it? yuk yuk. I've already asked for and gotten advice here about (as well as having read others' Q&As here about) the logistics of discovering new places to be social with like-minded people in person; where to go is not a problem (I think, at least for the moment). The problem, it turns out, seems to lie with the emotions that are necessary for forming new friendships.

In the last 10 years, there have been only four people in whom I invested anything more than a very light acquaintance-level of interaction, and, unfortunately, all four of those people in some way betrayed those friendships. As each person hurt me (these four were sequential in nature, not concurrent), it became progressively harder to open myself up the next time around. Now, it feels impossible; I can't seem to lower my own shields.

(BTW, while I understand that an outside observer's first thought, looking at a pattern of four ended friendships with Person A, is to attribute the cause to some unknown deed or behavior of Person A, that being the only constant. But after a lot of careful self-analysis and thorough analysis by a level-headed out-of-town friend, that is not the case here; the "betrayals" were different in nature and were all very much acts of the respective other person.)

As a result of those four ... well, my mind knows that in order to find both friendship and romance, I need to (a) interact with people, and (b) should I be able to do that, be the relaxed-likeable me with them, not the guarded-prick me. However, my emotions are now firmly convinced that if the penny came up heads four times in a row, it will come up heads the fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, etc. ad nauseum time in a row, and they do not want to expose vulnerability or invest trust anymore; they want to go home, close the shades, and turn on the boob tube — forevermore. My mind, however, knows precisely where that ends up, in a future I don't want for myself. So my mind and emotions are working at cross-purposes, instead of together.

So I find my questions are these: first, how do I deal with the fact that I'll never know what ended this friendship? Second, by what techniques can I convince the emotional part of me, which apparently is not listening to my rational mind, that it's not a one-to-one ratio for being vulnerable and getting hurt, and that I can trust the next person to come along, and the person after that, and the person after that?

Thanks in advance.

Can a relationship work if one person betrays the other?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:40:27 -0800

Betrayal - I've betrayed my girlfriend, yet we are still together, trying to heal, and work through the mess I created. Should we even bother? Is this relationship salvageable? What I did was incredibly wrong. I did not cheat on her in the physical sense, but I was in contact via email with an ex-girlfriend from years ago, who I told some mean and untrue things about my current girlfriend. I lied to my girlfriend’s face about being in any sort of contact with the ex, even when she specifically asked about her. One day, she found out that I was emailing my ex, was able to read these emails and the shite hit the fan. Naturally, my girlfriend feels extremely betrayed and stabbed in the back because I lied to her and because of the mean/untrue things I told the ex about her/us.

Before you recommend counseling, we are already seeing someone together and I am seeing another therapist individually to figure out WTF my problem is…I think it’s helping me. We had started counseling a little before my girlfriend found this out for other reasons (stress, living together in a new town, etc)...so I was lying to our counselor as well. We’re still seeing her, though to me, it seems that my presence at our sessions is more for support, which is ok. But since being caught, I've changed my ways quite a bit, but I still have a long way to go.

Being caught in this horrible lie has been quite an eye-opener for me. Looking back, I realize what a complete bastard and arsehole I've been over the years and how selfish, immature, hasty and terrible I've been. It's like I can clearly see that person that I was and I don't want anything to do with ‘him’ anymore. I know I am capable of being a normal, good person and that is what my number one goal has been since this bad, bad, BAD thing happened. It's been a little bit of a struggle to change after many years of being that way, and I've regressed and stumbled a few times since then. But I do feel that I AM changing for the better.

My girlfriend is still struggling with letting go of this. We'll be getting along fine, talking about our issues and problems and generally still being civil and loving towards each other. But she has a hard time trusting me now, and probably will for a long, long time. She has minor outbursts every now and then that seem to drag her and us down into the mire...which brings back the whole slew of negative feelings for both of us and seems to counteract any progress or healing that may have occurred. We have let it eat away at us too much. I have no idea if she will ever be able to forgive me. She says that she's lost her best friend (me). She says that the world is against her, because she is so forthright and real and honest, and everyone in the world is out to betray each other like I did to her. She is still very much in love with me too. I think she may be conflicted by all these love/distrust feelings. We are still living together.

My better half is still here with her, trying to heal the wounds, be a man, do the right thing – not lying anymore, being transparent, trying to be a better communicator and let people ‘in’ and let them know me (I’ve put up a few too many walls in my life). The bastard half is screaming at me inside my head to end the relationship, not only for me, but for her – I don’t want to put her through any more pain just by being here, reminding her of my betrayal or making her constantly thinking she cannot trust me or looking for any possible lies I might still be telling. That bastard half of me really gets loud when she is either angry with me or sobbing hysterically at me – because this is not what I want for her. She does not deserve what I did to her. And I do not deserve a truly good person like her who is still in love with me…it doesn’t make sense for her to stay with me because of what I have done to her. What I did was unforgivable.

But now, I feel that I’ve gotten over most of it, which seems to bother her a lot, because she is still living it from time to time. I tell her that we’re just different in that respect. Maybe I can process and get through things faster than her. Maybe I am still a callous, immature or selfish person that won’t let himself get to invested or broken up about it. Drama is something I’ve always avoided, or ran away from. That’s what my instincts are telling me – run away. But to me, that is not growing, being a man, a new and better person – what I’d like to change about myself. But can our relationship really survive all this turmoil?

Family/FriendsFilter

reallygoodgirl — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 03:15:44 -0800

I did something effed up and now I'm paying for it. While talking with my sister online I expressed a rather harsh opinion about one of our mutual friends. While expressing my feelings I also managed to betray my friend's confidence. I acknowledge that this was really wrong of me to do, and I've apologized profusely. However, my sister went and sent the friend a transcript of our IM conversation!

My friend baited me later on the phone, asking me if I said this or if I said that - which I think is wrong, I'd rather they just confronted me about it head on instead of *knowing* what I said and trying to get me to admit to it. Also, nothing I said was untrue, it was just unpleasant to hear. Now my friend is mad at me, but I'm more worried about my sister - this is a recurring thing in our relationship. She is constantly moralizing to me and telling me how I have fucked up even though she has hardly lived an absolutely mistake-free life. Should I try to explain the hypocrisy of the situation to her (people in glass houses and all that) or should I just not talk to her at all? This sounds pretty harsh of me, but I'm pretty sick of putting up with this all the time. How do you deal with someone who thinks it's okay to betray your confidence just to tell someone else that you betrayed theirs? I know what I did was wrong and I feel really bad about it, but she took something I said offhand and while I was in a crap mood and basically destroyed my trust in her.

Can you help a husband survive his wife's affair?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 10:17:08 -0800

My wife had a months-long affair and I've given her another chance. Any suggestions for getting rid of these awful feelings? You know those feelings...anger, jealousy, shock, betrayal. When I research the subject looking for advice or catharsis, it's either always from the female point of view or it's a bitter hate filled screed. Oh, and then there are the innumerable "pray and it'll go away" sites, but I'm past that thankyouverymuch. I'm also constantly lashing out at her, and that's not helping the situation any.

We don't believe in therapy, and she says she's going to rededicate herself to our relationship instead of giving her intimacy to somebody else. I believe her, and that's why it's worth it to stay together (plus, you know, the kids)...so the only thing that needs to happen here is for us to create a loving environment, and now I'm the blockage to that. But every day that I feel better about the situation and have convinced myself I have forgiven her, I remember how much hate and anger I have and the cycle begins anew.

So about therapy..I've been there before and it didn't help. It's a person to talk to to get stuff off your mind, and I already have that. I just desperately want to find piece of mind.

Getting over feelings of betrayal

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 22:14:06 -0800

I am starting to hate my cousin and best friend. Please help me forgive her. Mary is my cousin, and up until about a month or so ago, my very best friend in the entire world. We used to hang out every single night of the week unless one of us had a date. It's the closest friendship I ever experienced, and while we were close it was one of the best parts of my life. We shared every detail of our lives with eachother, I would've taken a bullet (and still would) for her.

We live in a small college town and we don't live together. She live with her roomate Jane, whom I get along with and was an acquaintance/friend of mine as well. Jane, Mary, and myself all had leases that ended in April. So naturally, we decided to look for a place for all three of us.

Shopping for a rental together was stressful. Our price ranges were different, but I was more than willing to go down to her level price-wise. The chief problem was, Mary was very picky and had very high standards for her maximum price. More than once, I argued that just due to simple market conditions we were not going to meet all of her standards at a given price. We looked for months and could not find something that fit her standards/price.

April was drawing nearer, and all three of us were getting antsy as we would have nowhere to live soon. One night, while the two of us were out walking, she saw a house with a for rent sign.

As fate would have it, she called the next day on the house. It happened to meet most of her standards and the price was great! One problem... only two spots were open. She signed with Jane, leaving me to find my own housing somewhere else. I was crushed. I fought back tears when she told me she had signed a lease with Jane.

I found room somewhere else. She apologized to me and said she was sorry, but I think if push came to shove, she would do it again.

* * * * * * * *

Ever since then (about a month ago), our friendship has been wrecked. I thought we were down for eachother no matter what, and I feel so betrayed.

She's great in ways that I'm not, but I've always had more money and been slimmer/prettier one. In the past I never let it go to my head, I would lend her my super expensive clothes/jewellry and set her up with hot guys. Now I find myself gloating over my advantages over her and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be this kind of human.

Little things she does (stupid stuff that doesn't matter, like listen to Nickelback type music, etc) have started to bug me like crazy when I used to not notice it at all, or find it endearing.

I can't let go of the feelings of hurt and betrayal. I would give anything to feel the same as I did a month ago. I've gone from seeing her every night to ignoring her. I know she hurt me, but I am being fucking immature.

Last year I modelled for a swimsuit designer in town, and I get discounts. She saw a swimsuit she wanted and texted me today to ask me if I could get her a discount (since she's really poor right now) and I didn't even fucking respond.

I'm so disgusted with myself for holding on to this grudge, but I cannot let go any way I try.

Please help me.

I am such an idiot.

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 12:09:22 -0800

How do I regain my husband's trust? No I didn't cheat on him, thank goodness.

Long story short:
1. I have been intermittently dissatisfied with my relationship. It's my own fault. I bring problems on myself, and create disharmony. I am not outwardly mean, but I ignore my husband at times, slack with my duties around the house, and get anoyed with his personality and behavior. I have especially become very discouraged that we have no mutual friends. I have my friends, but he has hardly any. He doesn't like to socialize, so I have become resentful that we weren't living the way I had envisioned. I don't need lavish dinner parties. A barbeque or a night out with friends that we both share would make me happy, but we don't even have that.

2. Because of this disenchantment I have started running my mouth to my sister, and a good friend of mine. I complain about him, and even conveyed the idea that I am too good for him. Terrible, I know. I have a group of girlfriends, and I sometimes joke about my husband (in a light-hearted way--his attempts to make me laugh, grooming habits, etc.), and I get a lot of laughs. I feel terribly guilty about it afterward. Nobody else is saying bad things about their husbands, and it feels wrong. I even wrote about my disenchantment on a message board, and my husband found it. He wasn't snooping. I left the message board open, and he clicked on my screen name. Now he feels completely betrayed and has even said that he would like to leave me, but doesn't have the guts. The reason he feels betrayed is because my "good friend" relayed to me a hurtful remark that another friend made about my husband's personality. I wrote about it on my internet post. I was upset that my friend would tell me something so hurtful about my husband. Beacuase I didn't tell her to go to hell, it offended my husband.

I have told him that I am deeply sorry, and my complaints stem from my own insecurites, and there is nothing wrong with him. We have two young children.
How can I repair my relationship?

How can I go after my backstabbing business partner?

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Jun 2006 05:56:30 -0800

What can I do about a business partner who ran off with an idea? My "friend" and I have worked together on startup ideas and other projects for three years. One of us would have an idea, we'd flesh it out together and see what stuck. There was never anything agreed-upon, but anything that was brought to outside investors/partners was 50-50 on paper.

This latest idea was his, and admittedly a hot one. We fleshed it out over two months, wrote a business plan, etc. In the biz plan we outlined ownership percentages -- his slightly higher because it was his idea.

Partner of mine managed to hoodwink some software company into looking at our stuff, and they loved it. They wanted to "buy" us -- hire us to build our product under their banner. I let partner handle the communication, because he had a relationship with them, but I led our negotiations -- meaning after their first offer (low salaries, low stock), when partner o' mine was considering it, I said "absolutely not." Then I set out our strategy for getting more out of them.

It worked. But here's the rub. Out of the blue, my friend negotiated a deal for himself, getting him 1/3 ownership of the combined company -- and left me completely out to dry.

So the question(s), finally: What can I do about this? Sue? Tie things up in red tape? Live and let go?

A big part of me is considering going tete-a-tete with my former friend and his new jackasses by starting a competing company (they're going to blow it), but I'd like to have some quasi-legal input before I talk to a lawyer about red-taping their asses, too. I assume that since they simply hired him, and we had no signed agreement or real company, I've no legs to stand on. But could I just annoy them via lawsuit threats for a while?

But maybe also someone will have some cool advice for letting go or avenging this seriously horrific backstabbing. Besides "let it fester until it eats away at your soul," because I won't do that!

All's fair?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2006 19:38:28 -0800

I messed up. Roommate, girl, me. Things go boom. J and I live in New York. S lives in Boston.

J and S never officially went out, but over the course of the year he went to visit her a half-dozen times. In discussion with me he became less and less enthusiastic about her. I had a crush - which seemed to be reciprocated, we always had crazy spark - but let it lie there.

They hadn't seen each other in a few months when S gets in touch with me. We're emailing back and forth for a while. Make plans to see each other. J calls S for the first time in months. S and I decide, yeah, we should tell him.

J is cool with it at first. Week later changes his mind, is hurt and jealous, asks us to stop.

So I'm a dick, yes. Still, what to do? Could we really stop? Is there a middle ground where we can still explore? We don't know each other well enough yet to be in love, but the possibility is definitely there. And they were never that serious ... but he is hurting, and he's my friend.