Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with benefits

Losing my group health insurance--now what?

D+ — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 12:32:56 -0800

I'm losing my group health insurance. My wife has a pre-existing condition. Now what? I have received notice that my employment will be terminated at the end of January. At the moment my family (wife and two kids and I) all have insurance coverage through my businesses group insurance plan. However, COBRA does not apply (there are fewer than 20 employees), and I am being told that there is no way to continue my health benefits, even though I am willing to pay the whole premium myself. As far as I know, we can't get coverage on the individual market, since my wife has a pre-existing condition (although the rest of us may be able to.)

It is probably going to be a while before either of us can get another job with benefits. Is there some avenue for getting my wife insured that I don't know about? Some applicable law other than COBRA?

(Currently in North Carolina, planning to move to Texas soon, but not before our benefits are gone.)

Health Insurance reimbursement

slagerst — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:34:39 -0800

What examples can I cite to convince my employer to continue reimbursing my 3rd party health care? I’ve been employed for 6 years at a 12-person NYC non-profit (FWIW, 3rd longest in tenure). For the first 5 years, I had the company insurance policy, paid in full by the company. After I married, I switched insurance to my spouse’s policy, which we paid 100% (via pretax deduction from her salary paychecks). My company reimbursed me the added costs we incurred from my wife’s employer, up to the amount they would have paid had I been on their insurance.

Now, in conjunction with a merit-based salary raise, they want to stop reimbursing. I am free to rejoin the original company insurance, which I would do, meaning there is no cash savings to my company. As far as I’ve been told, it is simply a move to keep the books cleaner and more simple.

My problem is that I now have to cancel and re-instate insurance policies, and inform all my doctors, etc. Plus, the advantage of being on my spouse’s policy was (slightly) better benefits, and the simplicity of having 1 family policy for the 2 (sooner or later 3) of us.

What examples can I cite or arguments can I make to convince my employer to continue this cash-neutral situation my way? Are there companies that document their flexibility with compensation packages (salary, health ins., other)? Am I crazy for wanting this setup? "People say" that non-profits cannot offer salaries that are competitive to the private sector, but the allure is (in addition to doing good) they can offer greater flexibility to employees to keep good talent.

Quit now, or wait to be laid off?

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:44:01 -0800

My friend has been in a job in NY State for close to 2 years. From the start her salary was substantially lower than she felt she should be paid and she was verbally promised a bonus which never materialized. Nevertheless she stuck with job. Now, the company is going down the tubes. Many people have been laid off. She's been hoping for many months to be laid off herself so she can get unemployment benefits to aide in a transition. But, for a variety of reasons -- mainly that she's a very efficient employee -- she hasn't been let go. This stressful climate of layoffs and, with it, an increase in workload for her, has made it a very inhospitable workplace. She wants to quit ASAP. But she also doesn't want to miss out on unemployment benefits. What are her options? More inside... Specific questions: (1) Can she argue that the nature of her job has changed, so she can no longer work at the company, and therefor, despite quitting, is deserving of unemployment? (2) If, after quitting, she's able to find a short-term work (a week or so) paid through a payroll company with taxes taken out, would this then qualify her for full unemployment? (3) What if she quit her current job because she was offered another job, but that job fell through -- would she still qualify? (4) Should she suffer through additional weeks and months until she is laid off, knowing that the ship is likely going down? (One potentially complicating factor: The failing company where she's currently employed is switching to a different 3rd party HR company and has asked her to fill out some paperwork so her paychecks come through them, beginning Jan 1.)

Free money for USA kids abroad. Scam?

Joe in Australia — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 01:56:06 -0800

My wife's from the USA and she got this on a mailing list she reads. I know nothing about US tax law or benefits. Is it a scam, or is Uncle Sam just waiting to shovel buckets o'cash into my pockets? U.S. CITIZENS LIVING OUTSIDE OF THE US are eligible to receive $1000+ per child every year (sometimes up to $3,000 per child)
This is even if only one spouse is a US citizen as long as the children have social security numbers. We specialize in US benefits for citizens abroad and will help you receive this money as soon as possible. We can also make sure that all U.S. citizens living in/out of America are receiving the full benefits that they are entitled to, including the President’s new stimulus packages

Which companies provide additional benefits/incentives for stockholders?

borkencode — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:28:22 -0800

Which companies provide additional, non dividend, benefits or incentives for stockholders? I saw someone mention in passing here on AskMe about a phone company sending phone cards as part of its annual report, a practice that had since been discontinued. What companies still do this sort of thing? Either through giving away or discounting their services, or offering some other benefit (secret stockholder's lounge?).

Are there hidden benefits to SAP?

GraceCathedral — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:47:04 -0800

Are there hidden benefits to SAP? I work for a medium-sized, semi-disorganized company. Three years ago, our customer service and sales functions were switched to SAP, along with most, but not all, of the top-level financial stuff. The project I work on (for a different part of the company), is based on Oracle (with a pretty, friendly web interface for regular users, as opposed to db folks). At one point, it seemed possible that we might be asked to move to SAP, but this didn't happen because of the general level of unhappiness with our SAP implementation.

Ever since then, I've wondered - did we just get a bad SAP implementation? Are there benefits of SAP that aren't evident from my limited perspective? Or is SAP just, well... bad? So many companies use SAP, it seems that it must offer unique advantages.

Here are some of the frequent complaints about how SAP is run in my company.

1. The speed of development, particularly for changes involving database structure. On the project I work on, we can pretty much implement any approved change request, even if this means adding new tables to the database or changing how they're used. But structural changes that the SAP developers have been talking about making for years don't seem to happen.

2. Similarly, it seems like there is a lot of difficulty getting data in and out. For instance, there are certain reports that can only be accessed as hard-copy print outs (they basically run out as scheduled jobs - they can't be triggered directly from within the interface). Is this normal?

3. The interface requires a lot of training, and does not seem to have been designed to be intuitive. For instance, users have to memorize reports named with random strings of letters and numbers. Did my company just fail to set these up properly?

4. Does SAP usually come with a web-based interface? Currently, users need to access via our inefficient intranet, and outside access for those working from home is not supported (except via VPN). Because the server is located on a different continent, this leads to a lot of complaints about system speed.

This isn't really an urgent question or anything, but it's been something I've been wondering about for years. Very high-level people in the company consider SAP useless because the particular report they want to run still hasn't been added to the system, or because they don't realize the report’s been added because it's named "DZ37489". Are we just using SAP in a stupid manner, or is it just not a good tool for our type of users? What SAP benefits are we missing out on?

Recent college graduate seeking unemployment benefits in RI

coolnik — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:56:39 -0800

Unemployment benefits in RI My wife graduated from a 4-year college in RI in May 2009, and since then she is unemployed. She has been, of course, looking for jobs all the time, but no luck so far.

She contacted the RI unemployment benefits office, the response she got was: "There needs to be some prior employment history, and you need to have minimum earnings requirement to qualify."

How can a recent college graduate qualify for these criteria? Is there no way she can get unemployment benefits?

Settlement threatening benefits?

sonicbloom — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:00:19 -0800

Will a class-action settlement affect Medi-Care/Medicaid benefits? My g/f is a conservator of her son, who has bi-polar disorder and is currently in a health care facility. He was prescribed Zyprexa in 1999, and is now being represented in a class-action lawsuit (due to contracting diabetes, which he got over recently). The law firm has settled with Lilly for an amount between $10 - $15 k per case.

He is on SS disablility and SSI (supplemental) income, which pays the shared cost of his facility costs, most of which are borne by Medical/Medicare. The amount is about $6k by medical/medicare, and $600 from him, which is pretty much his whole SS disability check.

We were wondering if getting the settlement amount in full would make him ineligible for Medical/Medicare. We know his SS disability is safe and that his SSI would probably be lost. No big deal, as the SSI is probably less than a hundred bucks.

There is also the option of getting a structured payment, which may help us retain the medical benefits. Also there is the option of creating a trust, but we don't have much knowledge of what is needed.

Would a structured payment be safe? Do you have any advice, experience, or tips?

you're fired! sort of…

violetk — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:43:23 -0800

Was i fired? my boss scheduled an appointment between her, me and the head of HR today at 5p. my first thought was a meeting with HR at 5p can only mean that i'll be fired. this was not entirely out of the question due to many factors including, but not limited to, the fact that half the time i go into the office, i think i am going to be fired (and i am not the only one at the company who feels this), our company sales were down 30% in sales last quarter (and in fact, has never turned a profit), the sudden firings that have occurred within the company, etc.

when i walked into the meeting, the head of HR gave a monologue about how they liked me, thought i was a good person, am very talented at what i do but that there have been ongoing issues that they didn't see improving. there were some accusations made about my performance as of late (some true, some not true—but i was not interested in defending myself against them, for reasons made more obvious below). he went on to tell me how he and my boss have been in meetings about how to make things work with me and the company, that i didn't seem to be thriving within the corporate environment there and then told me they would like to switch me to contract status (though not full-time). he asked me what i thought of the idea. i said that sounded great—pretty much solely because i had been so miserable at this company since january that it was beginning to affect my health. and believe, me i am relieved and feel as though i have been given approval for release from the asylum. my last day won't be for another few weeks as i wrap up projects and after i work out with my boss the logistics and fee structure for my new status.

i view this as being essentially fired or let go from a full-time position and therefore will be eligible to claim unemployment benefts (the head of HR also let me know that i would be eligible to receive COBRA benefits as well). whether i am hired in a contract capacity later or not (though i believe i will be getting contract work from them) but i have never trusted this company and wouldn't put it past them to try to deny me unemployment benefits in the end.

so my question is, essentially, i was fired, was i not? and thus, i will be eligible to collect unemployment, am i not?

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put the vowels all at the beginning... what?"

LSK — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:51:59 -0800

Help an aspie initiate making out with girls in college. I've adapted to most social situations, mostly due to reading about them, but this is one field that seems to assume that the participants have an instinct for it. I've had a friend with benefits before, but we met online, basically solely with the intent of a FWB relationship, and she had walked me through my first makeout session with her and with sex.

I'm not exactly sure wherein my issue lies, or what I'm failing to grasp. I've made multiple female acquaintances, some of whom live in my dorm, but I have no idea when it's appropriate to initiate making out, where to do it, or how to start. I've been told it just happens, but I don't think I'd ever initiate anything if I were "just letting what happens happen" - I'd be too afraid.

Admittedly I want to avoid a committal monogamous relationship through most of college. I genuinely want to get sex out of college, and avoid tying myself down in the non-kinky way (An education is a higher priority, but of less relevance to this post.)

Business owner getting unemployment?

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 07:34:53 -0800

This weekend I might (finally) give up my business and close it down ... been losing money all year, cash gone, prospects not looking good, etc etc. I'll lay off the 5 employees. And they will all be able to claim unemployment benefits on Tuesday (we're in NJ, USA). But what about me? I'm not an employee as such, I haven't paid myself anything for 10 months. I've hardly taken any kind of 'owners draw' in those 10 months (maybe $1000). My understanding of unemployment is that the benefit is paid based on average wages earned over the last xx months. (ie approx zero for me). Can I get unemployment? Or some other financial help? If I did struggle on with the business should be start paying myself some huge salary to make myself eligible for unemployment later? (or should I have been doing that?). Please - nice (but helpful) answers only. Not going to be a fun few days. Thanks

going from salary to hourly without benefits... should i ask employer for a higher wage?

dityfleur — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:38:28 -0800

going from salary to hourly without benefits... do I have a choice? should i ask for a higher wage?my firm is really slow, so my employers are changing me from salary to hourly... basically, as work comes in, i will get paid for the hours i bill. they are also eliminating my benefits package (heath/dental/vision/401k). i am not sure what my workload will be like, but i was typically working 40 hours/week and might be working less than 20. (i plan to compensate with unemployment if i have to.) i have spoken with people outside my field (architecture) and they say it is typical in this situation to get an increase in your hourly wage around 10-15% to compensate for the decrease in hours as well as the loss of benefits. i am looking into other job opportunities, but most firms are in the same boat and hoping to keep the employees they have…

has anyone had a similar experience? if a company is eliminating a lot of their overhead in this manner, is it ok to ask for an increase in this case? i know i don't really have any leverage, except for a good review record and +3.5 years experience with the company. any thoughts?

thanks!

can't afford not to work

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 22:06:17 -0800

What are my options for an six week absence from work for surgery with my employer? Is Aflac what I'm looking for? De to the economy I had to leave a benefit-laden job with a national company to take a job with a MUCH smaller compan, and while my pay is good the benefits are NOT as good.

I am getting gastric bypass surgery, which the doctor tells me will keep me out of work for six weeks. In my last job we had short-term disability benefits where I would get 80% of my pay for five of the six weeks, using vacation time for the sixth week. My current job has no disability pay.

I can't make the mortgage and pay the out of pocket with six weeks unpaid from work and saving up that much time off or cash puts me on a minimum of a year waiting.

I've heard there may be some companies like Aflac that would provide this benefit but I can't imagine it would cover surgery. How could they profit if I'm signing up 30 or 90 or even 180 days before I plan to use it?

Do I have any choices other than wait or look for a better job?

Educate me (and mine).

mds35 — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:05:15 -0800

Which colleges or universities still offer free tuition to children of employees who get accepted to the school? I once worked at a university where an employee's child (provided the parent was at a certain job level/rank and had been in the job long enough to qualify) could go to any of the undergraduate divisions for free if they were accepted to them. If the child went to another college, the university would pay half of the tuition.

Pretty sweet deal.

I know that schools are doing away with this kind of benefit, but what schools do you know of where this is still offered? My career is such that I can work in the academic setting, so where should I look for employment if I want my kids to get a free education?

This regards the US

How much is job security worth to you?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:33:42 -0800

Taking a (big) pay cut for great benefits, job security, and potential long-term gain: worth it? I'm currently working in IT at a small-ish company that is slowly sinking. There were recent layoffs, and the rest of us were forced to take a 15% pay cut. I'm still making enough to get by just fine, but it's unclear how long this job will last; it's only a matter of time before the company can't make payroll (really).

I've been searching for local jobs in my field, but haven't had any interest in my resume until I got a call from the local community college. The pay is miserable--a nearly-20% cut from my already-cut salary--but the benefits are fantastic. It's a faculty-level, tenure-track position with a pension, reasonably-priced medical insurance, and more than ten weeks of paid leave right from the get-go.

I could still survive on the reduced salary, and the potential for tenure in a non-teaching position is intriguing (as is all the time off, the state pension, and probability of consistent raises).

The flip side is that I'm nearly 30 and about to get married to someone just starting a not-particularly-lucrative career. Our only financial obligation is a single car payment, but we would like to own a home someday, and the pay cut would impact our ability to save. It would be a little like restarting a career without actually changing jobs.

Assuming the environment is a good fit, and the offer is made, what would you do?

Is there a statute of limitations on contesting one's unemployment?

BostonTerrier — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 06:47:27 -0800

What is the statute of limitations on contesting one's unemployment benefits? Is there one? Four years ago I was able to get myself canned from my soul-sucking cubicle job (heh, is there any other kind?) A couple months into my unemployment benefit checks, I get a letter from the Michigan Bureau of Workers' & Unemployment Compensation stating thus:
"On such&such a date, XYZ Corp timely protested the determination issued on such&such a date, which held you not disqualified. Your employer states that you acted in a manner that you knew would jeopardize your job. Your employer has failed to establish that you intentionally failed to meet the employer's standard of work performance. Misconduct has not been established. The original decision is hereby affirmed. It is found that you were not fired for a deliberate disregard of your employer's interest. You are not disqualified for benefits under MESC Act, Sec. 29(1)(B)."

Sounds like that's that, right? The thing is, in moments of ungardedness in various web forums I have occasionally celebrated my successful twitting of the company, and my former slave drivers are just the kind to have webcrawlers unearthing any mention of the company. They couldn't still come after me, even if they thought they "unearthed" something, could they?

Stimulus package and COBRA for dummies

lunasol — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 10:11:05 -0800

How will the COBRA subsidy in the stimulus package work? I just signed up for COBRA. Good timing, too, since the stimulus package includes a 60% subsidy for people like me who were laid off.

Does anyone know how this will work? I've found a lot of information online about the provision, but nothing about implementation. How long will it take? A month? Six months? Will I have to apply to a government agency or will it go through my COBRA provider or my former employer? How will payment work?

These folks seem to think employers will pay and then deduct it from their payroll taxes, but they weren't sure.

FWIW, I haven't made any payments yet, and don't have to pay till the end of March.

Can I negotiate pay with employer who pays into my unemployment insurance?

wastelands — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:05:21 -0800

How much leeway do I have in negotiating the pay rate of an assignment from an employer that pays into my unemployment benefits (under Oregon laws)? I got laid off by an employer. Right now I'm on unemployment holding out for a pay rate that I'll call $X/hour, from any company in the field. The last rate this employer paid me was $X-7/hour. Being that they're one of the companies that pays into my unemployment insurance, and, AFAIK, I lose UI benefits if I refuse a re-hire offer from them, how much negotiation power do I have to demand a higher rate were they to offer to re-hire me? Is it even possible? Or do I have to take what they give me, even if it's rate $X, which was less than what I'm worth? Oregon law applies here.

Choosing workplace benefits..

wongcorgi — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:14:36 -0800

Choosing benefits (medical/dental/vision) for a new contract position, any good resources/guides to read? I'm going to be starting a contract position, and need to buy my own benefits. (They only supply paid holidays).

How do I know what they're offering is a good value, and are there any good guides to follow on which plan to pick (IE input current age, health, etc)? This would be for my wife and I.

Also, are there alternatives to what the contracting firms offer?

Should I ignore my ex friend with Benefits Birthday tomorrow?

zulonline — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 18:22:37 -0800

Should I ignore my Ex - Friend with Benefits Birthday tomorrow? And how speak to him after that after that? All my story is already explained on my last question threads, basically I managed to moved out from a difficult situation in which I found myself cared of, but rejected.

Still this person gets in touch with me ocassionaly and ask me about my life. I still got his keys from his flat , where I used to live before the "breaking up ", and I think he does'nt want to lose me as a friend.. but I can't guess what is in his mind, probably he feels guilty about cousing me pain as he did not feel in the same way I have.

Last week he called me briefly to say hi and asked me the favor to send a package to his doughter for Chritsmas , I went to his flat while he is abroad and picked up. He said he will let me now the adress where I have to send it. I haven't heard of him for a week, and is now his Birthday tomorrow! I dont know if he came back to the City or still is abroad.

I am totally confused , I have done all eforts to move on with my life for the last 2 months, I still feel him as a friend in some ways as he looked after me for sometime when I needed, although he deprivated me of his love while living together. And that makes me feel still so angry and upset .

I feel that ignoring his Birthday by not calling or texting him, will show him I don't want part of him anymore, and I will don't make a fool of myself again, as I invent and did everything for the past 2 years to win his love with not so good results.

But on the other hand, I feel that if I ignore his birthday, he willl think I am upset I am not over him, ( altough I am very upset becasuse last time he called I said that it was nice to see his flat was very tidy and nice when I picked up my mail and , as the last call he mentioned he had a friend ( a college secretary from his work and she stayied at his place for a few days and she kept the flat nice and tidy, I got really upset , and I showed to him ) also It is diff for me to be harsh to people even more when I have spent so much time caring about them and loving them , then acting on the oposite way make me feel guilty .

I also think he will be upset If I don't call him, he may think I am playing games ? or get resentment thinking that just because he doesn t love me , I can't be just his friend,? also I feel sad in case he came to the City and spend his B alone, and just because he was who decided to keep as just friends, he doesn't dare to call me on his day?

I am also afraid perhaps of loosing his friendship in a long term it might make me feel bad when I will be really over him.

So the question is please , should I call him tomorrow or not?
what do I say if I call, and what do I say if I don't when he contact me later to tell me his doughter adress? , how should I act ? what do I say about his birthday?

Thank you for your advice..I am very lonely at the moment and I'd like to have some diferent opinions which would help me to make up my mind to rhis respect. As you probably read I am quite confused and anxious about it. Cheers.

Does my website revenue count against unemployment?

Elminster24 — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:18:43 -0800

UnemploymentFilter: How do alternate income streams factor into unemployment and how many months do I have left? I live in Chicago and am likely going to be laid off in the next couple of weeks as I was asked to re-interview for my position and it appears that despite how much everybody loves me, one key decision maker doesn't think I have what it takes. Whatever.

Anyways, so I was unemployed from around 3/5/08 - 5/19/08. I didn't draw unemployment benefits the whole time, maybe just a month and a half since I received a month's severance from the job I had prior to March.

I also now have a website I've been working on that provides on average $500/mo in passive revenue (and hopefully more in the future).

That said I have two questions:
-How do I figure out how much unemployment I have left?
-Do I have to declare my website and the revenue it generates when applying for benefits? Is there a chance it could prevent me from getting them or drastically reduce the amount I receive? How does something like that work? Its not like I'm salaried. It is essentially a sole-proprietorship with its own EIN and bank accounts.

I'm hoping that I can draw my full unemployment benefits from my last couple of jobs and still pull in the income from the site. I also am not sure how many months of unemployment I have left since I heard something like you only get a total of 12 months in your lifetime--although that could be completely false.

Any guidance you guys can give would be much appreciated as I make preparations for the likely event of being laid off.

I'm hoping that with full unemployment benefits, the income from the site and my savings, I can ramp things up and be doing my web stuff full time and get out of the rat race.

Happy to answer any additional questions that might be needed to clarify things.

How much should I put in my medical Flexible Spending Account?

grouse — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:35:27 -0800

How much should I put in my medical Flexible Spending Account for next year? I am in the 25 percent marginal tax bracket. The minimum is $240 for the year.

If I put $240 in and I spend at least $192, then I have broken even. Given that I have a $200 deductible on my medical insurance, that seems likely, as that is less than the cost of two visits to a general practitioner, or one visit to a specialist. On the other hand, now that I live in a country where I have to pay to visit the doctor, maybe I won't be assured of a couple of visits beyond an annual physical (free).

I don't have any expenses that I can definitely expect, such as ongoing drug prescriptions. Searching through previous AskMes reveals a wealth of things I could spend the money on rather than waste it. I've never done this before so I would welcome your thoughts.

How to get a transcript of House Oversight Committe hearing?

de void — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:23:15 -0800

Where can I get a transcript of today's House Oversight Committee hearings? I'm hearing second hand about the testimony of Alan Greenspan at today's House Oeersight Committee hearing on C-Span. I can't watch it because streaming video is blocked at work.

I'm hearing that Greenspan acknowledged that many of the benefits being promised to retirees will have to be cut in half or eliminated and that people planning to retire should be encouraged to plan for this.

I *MUST* have a transcript of this hearing. Apparently C-span doesn't regularly provide transcripts. Where else can I go to get this?

Do I have to show my tax return to my employer?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 18:52:59 -0800

Is it legal for my employer to ask for last year's tax return in order to verify my dependents for benefit purposes? I got a letter today from an outside company that is verifying my dependents eligibility for benefits. They are asking for a copy of the front page of my 2007 taxes and marriage license and birth certificate for my son. I'm not comfortable with sending this to an outside firm for one, but then I'm not sure I want my employer to see my tax return anyways.
Do they have a legal right to ask for this? I know YANML, but I live in Ohio if that helps.

How do I keep from hurting a person I've hurt before?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:37:16 -0800

How do I keep from hurting a person I've hurt before? I have a friend whom I've known for a very long time. We were close in the past, but have been in separate cities for several years and not in regular contact with one another. A few months ago, he moved to a town a couple hours away from me, and we've been hanging out together on the weekends. (He's trying to find work where I live.) Our relationship became physical about a month and a half ago. Although we've never talked about a relationship, I think we both understand that this isn't just sex. He's been wonderful and generous and very clear that he has strong feelings for me.

I thought all this was a good idea at first. Even though I haven't been very enthusiastic about relationships lately, I thought I was interested in exploring something with him. I'm now realizing I was wrong. I care about this person a lot and am attracted to him, but my feelings are inconsistent. I enjoy being around him, but everything already feels too intense, even though we only see each other every couple weeks. I've had a really bad year in terms of relationships. I'm still recovering a bit, and that might be part of this.

Everything is further complicated by the fact that I've flaked on him before for similar reasons. I sort of initiated the beginnings of a relationship a few years ago, and then backed out. It took a long time (about two years) for him to start speaking with me again.

I'm not sure what I should do or tell him. I don't think I want this to go any further, but I do want him around. Also, I feel like we should have this discussion in person, but that's difficult to do when he's somewhat far away.

How do I handle this in a way that will minimize hurting him?