Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with being

Dear Diary, I can't tell if Johnny likes me anymore..

fiasco — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:56:39 -0800

Dating filter: How do you broach the “What are we doing?” question without striking fear into the hearts of all involved? Also, what do you do afterward? Boy and I have been casually “dating” for three months or so. We’ve known one another for a little less than a year. Yes, we are physically intimate. No, we have not met the parents. No, we do not speak in the future tense. We spend time together. We both seek one another out.

I’m not trying to rush him to the altar or any such. I am also certain that if or when I approach the altar, he will not be the one standing next to me. I am pretty sure he feels the same way.

I oscillate between whether or not this is okay with me. Part of me is fine since I’m not in a great position to run around in the daisies and proclaim love. I like him. We are maintaining. It’s convenient. The other part of me is hurt because I cannot shake the feeling that I could be anyone to him. He could be biding his time with anyone. Quite simply, I feel I am a placeholder. I am fairly certain I like him more than he likes me. This hurts as well.

Boy is reserved and a bit of a loner. He’s nice and polite. He's a gentleman. In relationships, I’m not sentimental or overly affectionate but something – a compliment, a gesture to let me know I'm someone to him – would be nice.

I’m terrible at ending things. I’m even worse at sticking to endings unless explosions or small wars occur. So far, I haven’t ended things with him because a) I don’t have a concrete idea of how he feels, b) I’m afraid of feeling terrible over losing him as opposed to quietly stagnating with him, and c) I can never stick to my guns and I’m afraid I’ll just be weak.

How do I ask him where he is at in our dating thing without striking the fear of God in his heart? Or both of our hearts, really. I don’t exactly know what I want but this situation has been making me unhappy. It has been manifesting itself quietly and whether or not I can take much more of this, I have no idea. I feel like asking him could be the catalyst leading to a change. I know it’s terrible to ask him a question so his answer can give me my own, but I don’t know what else to do.

If we do continue dating, how do I communicate to him that I don’t even know if he finds my personality, my conversation, my appearance, my anything at all attractive? I don’t want to fish for compliments, just validation that I’m someone to him. Not some random stranger he plucked from the sidewalk.

I don’t want to make the mistake of sounding typical or demanding. I’d just like to feel wanted.

How do I ask him where he thinks this is going? Have you ever been in a dating relationship where neither people were falling head over heels? If so, how did it work out? If I decide to continue on with this, how do I express my hurt over feeling replaceable to him?

Thanks so much.

I JUST WANNA BE ME

defmute — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 09:31:00 -0800

How do I satiate my desire to be different while not being a difficult person? I've been told by many that I am a contrarian and I like to think I've turned it into something charming. Lately, I've been feeling very insecure and feel like I'm not only being contrary but being difficult. Sometimes I feel like I am narrow-minded and feel like it's making life hard on the people around me (myself included). Do I need to change? How can I be who I want to be while considering others?

How can I learn to love my looks?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 06:56:16 -0800

How can I learn to love my looks? I am 32 years old and single. I’m 5 ft 1”, kind of miniature all over compared to other people, and slim in a rounded way (I’ve never been waiflike and don’t think I could be.) I’m extremely self-conscious about my looks to the point whereby I’m letting them get in the way of living.

I have only had one relationship, which lasted four years, from the age of 18. We lived together, but he wanted an open relationship as he told me he liked my personality, but not my looks. Before I met him, I had always thought of myself as average, and I can’t remember feeling inadequate about my looks beforehand. He was extremely charismatic, and I was hooked on his personality, so I agreed. A bevy of beauties (tall, slim, lovely facial features) paraded through our house at regular intervals.

He said that my breasts weren’t the best or worst he’d seen and my body was below average. When I lost my virginity to him he told me that one day I’d know what true passion felt like, because the experience wasn’t real sex. On the train, he would ask that I sit opposite him and not beside him, so that people didn’t think we were a couple. He wouldn’t hold my hand in public, as he said he felt like a paedophile because of my height. One day he told me he was going out with someone else and from that point on he would not acknowledge me in the street.

Shortly afterwards, I answered a flatmate ad, and moved into a house full of attractive women. I have never been a girly-girl, or hung around them before, so it was eye opening. However because I was different the women put me down about my looks, claiming I didn’t look after myself -- one girl had laser surgery for freckles on her décolletage while another took three hours to dress before going to the supermarket -- and the men who visited the house ignored me. When I went out with the women, men only spoke to me in order to speak to them. I was stunned to observe how much better some men treat good-looking women, as I hadn’t realised this was the case. I moved out as soon as I could afford to.

In the years since, I have tried “faking” that I’m happy with my looks, and most people don’t know how bad I feel about them. I have tried to be stylish to make up for them, which has gone someway to my feeling better about myself (I have also put a great deal of effort into doing interesting things in order to be interesting, and learning as much about humanity and philosophical aesthetics as I can.)

However throughout my twenties I never had sex sober, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and fearful when a man looks at my face intimately. I push anyone away who wants to get close to me, and if men want to see me again after a one-night stand, I ignore them. Any guy who tries to pick me up is in, and I’m scared of good looking or charismatic men.

Recently, my mother told me I wasn’t pretty, after letting it slip in a conversation. I have never thought of myself as pretty, but she went on to say that I should “flirt with my intellect” as I would look silly flirting with my body. I don’t tend to flirt at all unless I'm drunk, as I feel like I might look vulgar, in a circus-freak kind of way. I stopped drinking completely nearly a year ago, when I also stopped having sex. I have never been asked on a date (I was teased about my looks in high school by the boys) or courted, and a part of me longs to be but fears I'm not special enough. I tried online dating, but the three men I met with weren’t interested in me after the first date, and my profile gathered dust.

Today I got my hair cut, and the woman cut so much off that my face is very visible, which I can’t deal with as I have very visible skin pigmentation marks on one side. I freaked, and after taking numerous digital photos to see what I looked like (I photograph myself most days to check but it only confuses me in different light as I don’t know what the truth is) I covered all the mirrors in my apartment. I feel filled with fear and dread at the thought of going to work with my new haircut, and it’s really brought home the fact that I can’t deal with my looks, and it’s holding me back.

I’ve tried to tell people how I feel about my looks, including therapists whom I saw for depression years ago, but I’ve been told I’m fishing for compliments or it’s a symptom of depression. But I’m not depressed, and it’s still with me, years later.

How can I learn to love my looks?

E:learningtolovemylooks@googlemail.com

How do I repeat a scene on a loop on my mac dvd player?

leybman — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:22:32 -0800

So here's the deal. There is a beautiful scene in one of my favorite movies, The Unberable Lightness of Being, that I would like to put on repeat and play indefinitely. However, this scene starts at the very end of one chapter and goes on through to the end of the last chapter, so I can't just put one chapter on repeat without omitting other parts of the scene. How do I, using the MacDVD player, or any player for that matter, take a slice of the movie (roughly 4 minutes long) and put it on repeat and preferably save it to my desktop? Thanks

The phenomenology of text

0bvious — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:21:33 -0800

The phenomenology / ontology of text: has anyone examined this issue directly in philosophical, literary and/or critical terms? I am interested in the experience and perception of text, both within readership and on an abstract (more holistic level perhaps) as the archetypical mediator and virtual-archive of human culture. I wish to explore it via its mediums (e.g. book, computer screen), its modes (e.g. semiotics, translation) and its means (e.g. poetry, fiction, encryption).

I came at this problem through Heidegger (most specifically in his re-appropriation of the term 'techné'), looking at text as a technology.

I have since come upon the writings of D.C. Greetham and a couple of other bits and pieces.

I feel that this is an area not much covered by the critical fields, especially in these times of ever encompassing digital/web-based mediums. I'm interested in following through some of this to a PhD proposal.

What paths should I be taking?

Your help, as always, is much appreciated.

Was he a victim of typecasting?

shortfuse — Wed, 07 May 2008 22:06:12 -0800

What is the font used for the title in this poster for Being John Malkovich? Details are welcome - light, bold, etc. Thanks.

How to find an obscure literary term

miss-lapin — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:58:32 -0800

Years ago when I took a classical mythology course, my professor used a literary term for a being who can travel between planes of being at will. (To tell you how long ago it was she used the crow, the bird not the character, in the film by the same name as an example.) I've searched through my notebooks, hunted through reference books, and asked friends but I can't find it. Does anyone know what this term is? If not, any tips on how I can finally find this term and move on to my next obsessive quest?

Existential coffee

Mocata — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 07:35:15 -0800

Does anyone speak Heidegger? If so, which of his terms might be used to describe coffee drinking? I recently had coffee with someone who's written on Heidegger. I tried to turn down a third cup, saying that he must be busy. He replied: 'Take your time, take your time! Heidegger has this wonderful, untranslatable word: [insert untranslatable German word]. It means a sort of flowing. And that is how it should be with your coffee.'

What the hell could the word have been?

Mold in the US.

spinifex23 — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 13:59:25 -0800

I have a two part question, about mold in the US, in buildings and the like. I'm thinking of moving, and I'm also allergic to mold. So this is a huge concern for me. a. What parts of the US is mold rare? and b. What parts of the US is mold commonplace? I'm not talking about situations where there's shoddy workmanship, a leak, Hurricane Katrina and the like, where mold will grow no matter what.

Instead, I'm interested in the parts of the country where it's rare, and the parts of the country where it's ubiquitous, *under normal living conditions*. 10 years ago, I moved from Madison, Wisconsin, where I never had a problem, to Seattle, where it's cool and rainy climate seems to be a perfect incubator for the stuff. As a result, it's made me ill.

For a myriad of reasons, including mold exposure, I'm thinking of moving out of the Seattle area. While this will not (obviously) be the only determining factor, I'd rather not relocate to another city (like Portland, OR) just to realize that mold is prevalent there as well.

So, I'd like to hear what's out there. Many thanks!