Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with behavior

Can these two dogs learn to get along?

Ashley801 — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 06:43:31 -0800

HelpMeHelpMyParentsFilter: Can these two dogs learn to get along? My parents have recently become the guardians of a new dog. This situation, though it's supposed to be temporary, will probably last quite a long time (months at least, possibly forever).

The first dog is a 14 year old, 75 lb male Chow Chow mix who has lived there since puppyhood, and has never interacted much with other dogs. The second, new dog is a 4 year old, 15lb male Jack Russell terrier who has had a hard life with multiple homes and is extremely high strung. Neither of them are fixed. (My parents will not allow this to be done for their own inscrutable reasons).

What happens is this: the Chow Chow will stalk the Jack Russell around wherever he goes, and stare at him intensely and unremittingly. The Jack Russell may take a nap for an hour, and the Chow Chow will stare at him without blinking the whole time. The Chow Chow also likes to loom as close to the Jack Russell's face as possible to do this, and would get within millimeters if he were allowed to.

When the Jack Russell walks around, the Chow Chow starts quickly circling him as if he's trying to herd him. Within seconds, this leads to them circling each other, as the Jack Russell tries to get away while not turning his back. When the Chow Chow inevitably stumbles after a moment or two (he's got weak legs), the Jack Russell interprets this as a lunge and attacks with full force.

Recently, there was a time where the Jack Russell was only walking by, the Chow Chow made a sudden move to get up from a sitting position, and the Jack Russell freaked out and attacked. (Luckily he's got a small and not very strong mouth, and the Chow Chow has a lot of fur, so he's never been injured at all).

If the Chow Chow is near the Jack Russell and makes a sudden move at all or stumbles, the Jack Russell gets nervous and growls. If the Chow Chow is restrained from moving as the Jack Russell walks by, he strains and stares until the Jack Russell's out of sight.

The Chow Chow has never flat-out attacked the Jack Russell directly, although, very rarely, he's been seen making nips in the direction of the Jack Russell's tail or a foot when he's walking or being carried by. Apparently he has never made contact, though.

My parents have dealt with the problem this way: for the first few weeks, allowing the dogs to just do their own thing under supervision; afterwards, developing a complex system of baby gates to keep them apart. This results in whichever dog is separated by the baby gates from everyone else becoming upset and whining nonstop. Especially the Jack Russell, and his whines are extra loud and piercing, and he'll keep it up for hours.

Is there a way to improve any of this? I would like to help make the situation better if I can, but I'm at a pretty total loss.

Do people really change?

elektrotechnicus — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:01:56 -0800

I'm looking for figures on will-power. How many people who try to lose weight, quit smoking, kick an addiction, start exercising, etc. will be successful (particularly long term)? In other words, I'm looking for experimental or population studies on how often people are able to change their behavior in significant ways when they resolve to do so. Well supported anecdotal data about large groups ("vietnam vets were(n't) largely able to quit heroin on coming home") is only slightly less appreciated.

Help me stop mentally rolling my eyes all the time.

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 13:34:52 -0800

How can I get over my continual annoyance with a family member? After a number of years apart, I have been living again with a family member who gets on my nerves at the drop of a hat. Even now that I've come to recognize my emotions as (quite often) irrational, I find that I often have trouble maintaining civility in everyday, mundane interactions. I do get irritated at other people I know from time to time, but usually that is in isolated occurrences when I am under lots of stress or they are really being boneheaded.

I'm aware that many of the things we tend to find irritating have more to do with ourselves than the person committing the irritating act. I'm also aware that people do actually do annoying things, or get into irritable moods. This situation seems to go beyond those things.

How can I make this relationship less frustrating for myself and start treating said family member like a normal human being who deserves politeness, cordiality, etc...? Bonus points if it doesn't involve further overly-sanitized, let's-think-of-ways-to-get-along mediation, and allows us both to relax around each other more in general.

Night Meows

jrchaplin — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:55:32 -0800

New cat meows all night. Sleep much disturbed ... I adopted a cat this past Friday. Filbert is about 16-18 months old. He was a stray, fed for 3 months or so by a very nice couple who wanted to bring him indoors and adopt him, but couldn't do so or reasons that will become obvious.
Last week, they captured him & brought him to the vet, got him neutered, brought him up-to-date on his shots, de-worming, etc. But the vet discovered Filbert was FIV/FL positive, which precluded this couple from adopting him (they have 3 other cats without FIV).
Long story short: I decided to adopt Filbert.
Since Friday, he's been more or less hiding, which is fine; gotta give him time to get accustomed to his new digs. But he is eating, using the litter box, and occasionally, gracing me with his presence, even spending some time curled up with me on the bed last night.
But every night, starting at around 11 or midnight, he wanders the house, meowing loudly, jumping up on windowsills as if he wants out. Given he was a stray, I suppose this is quite normal, as he's lived most of his recent life outdoors.
I loathe the idea of letting him out. One, his feline leukemia is contagious to other cats (and there are several other outdoor cats in my neighborhood). Two, I live on a very busy road and lost a cat 4 years ago to its traffic.
So ... any way to reduce his night meows, short of letting him out?

How can I get myself to stop rationalizing bad behavior?

dumbledore69 — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:05:50 -0800

There are a lot of goals that I am working towards, that are easily within my reach if I just stick to some simple routine tasks. However, I always wind up sabotaging myself by making excuses for or rationalizing getting off track, and ignoring the reminders and cues I have created for myself to stay on track. How can I knock it off so I can reach my goals? I have been doing a lot of work lately on some of my goals, mainly weight loss and getting my finances in order (paying off my credit cards and stop overdrawing my frigging bank account).

I know exactly what I have to do, I know exactly how to do it, and I have done both of these things with fantastic success before. My problem is that whenever I become sidetracked with something else that I consider urgent, or stressed out and cranky, I am really good at either ignoring my big picture goals, making rationalizations for not working towards those goals, or even lying to myself or others about my behavior towards reaching those goals.

I think this is one of my biggest issues, and I just do NOT know how to knock it off.

For example, let's use weight loss.

I have lost large chunks of weight before and kept it off for a good amount of time. I know exactly what to do so that I can do it in a way that is pleasant for me.

To lose weight, basically all I need to do is the following:
- Eat breakfast at home instead of on the run.
- Bring lunch & snacks to work instead of eating out or running to the caf.
- Take 10-15 minutes each evening or morning to plan out my meals for the day (and total the calories or WW points).
- Take 30 min - 1 hour most days of the week to do any workout I choose, whether it's a Wii workout or a video or the elliptical at the gym or a walk outside (and I enjoy all of these things!).
- Remember to face the music no matter how the week went and weigh myself & track my weight every week.

There are other things I try to do, sure, like looking at the balance of the types of foods I eat and taking vitamins and getting enough rest, and so on. But these are the basics.

However, I typically start slipping after a month or two. Usually it's little things at first, but then as other things start stressing me out, I turn to food (or excessive spending, on the financial end) to soothe me and cheer myself up.

And I will recognize this and set up ways to keep myself accountable, like setting up bets with friends (I'll pay them $5 a week if I don't exercise 3x) or websites to nag me daily to remember my goals, etc. I have tried SO MANY awesome tools, and had so much great support from my friends (who despite the fact that they would profit from my failure, always encouraged me).

But it doesn't work, because I will just ignore the email reminders or lie about my workout sessions. It's awful, and I really, truly hate myself for being like that. I even lie to myself sometimes about what I've eaten or readjusting my priorities.

But it always comes back down to the fact that I really do not like where I'm at ... I'm 100+ lbs overweight (though I am a bit down from my high weight), still in credit card debt (though I have paid off quite a large chunk of it so far), and I have like no faith in myself to really keep trying because nothing can keep me honest.

And I know the response is often that I must not want it badly enough or I would just do it and stop lying to myself. But it's NOT that I don't want to lose weight & pay off my credit cards badly...I do. I want it more than anything. Failure to do these things is preventing me from starting a family or to feel secure in my life. Not a day goes by when I don't hate those things about myself.

But it's like a different person takes over when I fall off the wagon and just want to be left alone to eat or spend. It's not me, that person has no goals except to get a little fix from food or spending. It's so stupid, but I seriously do not know what to do.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to deal with this?

How to make amends for disruptive behavior in a library?

Jpfed — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:13:22 -0800

A group of 11-year-old kids under my wife's supervision got out of control and were disruptive to the library they were meeting in. How can we make it up to the library/ its patrons, and ensure that something like this doesn't happen again? My wife is a newly-minted Girl Scout leader (in the last couple months or so). The troop that she leads has been meeting at a nearby library for some time (for a few years). At their last meeting, the girls got very loud; their sounds carried from their closed room to the farthest corners of the library. The people working at the library were not happy with the situation, but they gave no indication that the troop was no longer welcome at the library. My wife apologized for their conduct, but she's still mortified, and is too embarrassed to go to the library again without making some sort of change to the situation- either a new method of interacting with the girls, some sort of gesture to the library, or both. She may attempt to find a new meeting spot for the girls, but she still wants to make amends to the library.

Some background (please note that this is almost entirely second-hand through my wife):

The girls are mostly a set of mutual friends that don't see each other much outside of Girl Scouts. They don't seem to see Girl Scouts as a vehicle for learning/ new activities, so much as an opportunity to socialize. An appreciable number of them seem to compete to be the center of attention, resulting in escalating loudness pretty much whereever they go. Among the girls in the troop is my stepdaughter, who is a little loud herself, though by no means the loudest or least controlled of the group.

My wife is frustrated that, for years now, this particular troop hasn't focused around building skills or developing character or anything that she thought the Girl Scouts were about. She's been frustrated with the previous Girl Scout leaders and what she thought was their incompetence, but now that she's in the leadership position herself, she admits that she still has learning to do about how to get these kids to behave more appropriately.

So, back to the question. I suggested to my wife that perhaps she could kill a few birds with one stone by getting the kids to organize a book drive for the library, but after reading this, I'm not sure that's a good idea. What can we do to make it up to the library and avoid causing problems for them in the future? If it's something that encourages personal development for the girls, that's a great bonus, but it's not a necessary component of the question. This question is intended to be fairly open-ended; if you feel the need to question my premises or address something that you feel I haven't given due attention to, that's okay by me. This is my first post to AskMe, so I apologize in advance if this is poorly worded or inappropriate.

How do I stop acting contemptuously towards my partner?

pluckemin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:39:55 -0800

How do I stop acting contemptuously towards my partner? (Side note: I've been a member for a year and a half, and this is my first RelationshipFilter question! I feel like I've reached a milestone.)

My partner and I, both in our mid-twenties, have been together for 5 years. We have a very strong relationship marked by lots of affection and mutual respect. In general, I'd say we communicate well; we don't yell at each other and we try to talk through problems using non-accusatory language. When it comes to tough issues I think we handle them pretty well -- not perfectly, but as best we can.

The problem is that when it comes to the little issues, I have a knee-jerk contempt reaction that I haven't been able to control. Frequently, when we have a dispute over a trivial thing -- how to load the dishwasher, how to prepare food, whatever -- I wind up rolling my eyes and treating my partner like he's an idiot. I don't do it voluntarily, and while I'm doing it there's a part of my brain saying, "Wait a minute -- what are you doing? Why are you acting like such an asshole?" But that part doesn't kick in until after I've already registered my contempt.

I think I probably learned this from my parents, who interact with each other in this manner pretty much continuously (and have been married for over 40 years, so I guess it works for them). I also have issues with anxiety and insecurity, so I'm guessing this behavior serves as some kind of defense mechanism for me.

I don't want to act this way. I know that contempt is one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen," and I know it doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end. (My partner recently expressed displeasure with it, which served as the kick in the pants that I needed to really address the problem.) Even when I genuinely think I'm right and he's wrong, I should be able to A) express it in a way that's not dismissive, or B) suppress the urge to say anything, depending on the situation. And in general I am far from contemptuous of my partner; I think he's brilliant and funny and talented, and most of the time (I think) my behavior reflects that opinion. It's just these stupid little issues -- usually when I don't think he does housework in the right way, or when he gets really angry about something that I don't think warrants such a dramatic response -- that cause this reflexive reaction of mine to kick in.

The feminist in me also hates this regression into traditional gender roles, where the man is a bumbling idiot whenever it comes to household labor and the woman is a capable nag. I try not to watch when he does housework, because usually his work yields perfectly fine results even if I think his methods are wrong. And in the future when we're a little more flush with cash we'll probably (read: definitely) hire someone to clean our home. But neither of these solutions addresses the underlying problem, which is that I have this counterproductive reaction that seems so ingrained that it feels like I have no control over it.

I'm hoping that someone out there has dealt with a similar problem and can recommend some techniques that can help me alter my behavior or the underlying thought processes. I'm able to recognize the behavior, but only after the fact, when it's already too late. What can I do to stop being so obnoxious?

To head off the inevitable "you need therapy" answers: I'm already seeing a therapist to deal with anxiety, guilt, and related issues; couples therapy is not an option right now due to time constraints but is not completely out of the question in the future (though I suspect my partner is not quite so gung-ho about it as I am).

Maybe she just needs a crazy straw...

nevercalm — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:25:48 -0800

Not really worried, more just curious about my cat and how she's been drinking water...she dips her paw and then licks the water from it, repeatedly. My cat Smudge is a real doll, and like many cats, totally fascinated by water. She's there every time fresh water is poured into the dish, trying to drink out of the jug and then spending some quality time with the bowl. Taking a bath? She's right on the edge of the tub, with that "how do you DO THAT????" look on her face.

As of late, she's developed a strange habit...she seems to exclusively drink by dipping her paw in her water dish and then licking up everything she can get. She then repeats this until, presumably, she's had her fill.

She's done a version of this since she was a kitten, but we always interpreted it as "finding the surface," trying to figure out where the water is in the dish so she didn't submerge her nose. For the past month or so now, she's pretty much only using the paw.

Anyone had a similar experience? She's pretty normal otherwise, so I'm not thinking this is something to worry about....but it's a pretty strange little quirk. Is she just another weird cat, or what?

Need inappropriate office party behaviors

arniec — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:29:06 -0800

For Christmas Card art--what are some inappropriate workplace party behaviors that can be portrayed in a single drawing? I'm working on having an artist do our company annual Christmas card, and this year we're doing a Far Side-ish cartoon of an inappropriate office party. For example, there will be someone Xeroxing their behind, and some people making out in the office supplies closet.

What other types of activities can be/should be included here? The funnier the better. But it can't be too involved, a single frame of someone "in the act" needs to convey the whole bit. But our artist is very very good, so if you have ideas, please post them and he might be able to make them work.

Thank you for ideas!

(and would a lampshade on a head be a workplace thing, or is that specifically a house party type behavior?)

Should he stay or should he go? Dog problems..

emkelley — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:23:42 -0800

When is it time to get rid of the dog? Fiance's poorly-trained dog has bitten me three times. I'm nervous about moving in with them and our future children. What do I do? My fiance received a gift of an American Eskimo from his girlfriend-at-the-time about one year before we met. Both Fiance and his Ex worked in jobs with long hours so never really had time to train the dog. When Fiance and I started dating, Dog was really horrible: when it was time to leave the house, he would position himself in front of the door and put up a big fight (growling, barking, bared teeth, etc.). When bedtime arrived, Dog would get up on the pillows and throw the same kind of fit. He doesn't like to play; he barks at any outside noise or anything he sees. As he's gotten older--he's 3.5 now--he's mellowed out a bit but mostly I think this is the prozac we've put him on after the most recent incident.

I never had dogs growing up so I've been skeptical but open... at least to the concept of dog ownership, but perhaps not this dog. Because he is so fearful (and because he doesn't see me as being above him in the pack?), he is very aggressive with me. He and I have had three altercations, the last one this summer involved a bite that sent me to the hospital for two nights. Fiance had been dragging his feet on medicating Dog and hiring a trainer but this incident made him realize he needed to do something. So now he's on Prozac, and Fiance also became somewhat stricter in terms of establishing dominance and enforcing rules.

Fiance and I don't live together yet, but we will probably be joining households this summer. I am extremely nervous about living with Dog full time. I am not comfortable around him, and I really fear what will happen when we have children. That is a few years off, so we will have time to work on training him and we have an appointment with a trainer in the near future. However, after reading AskMeFi's similar Q&As, it seems like the general advice is that once a dog has bitten, you can't let the dog around kids. This is my gut feeling, but Fiance refuses to get rid of Dog because a) he loves him and b) he assumes he'll be put down if we have to give him away. I know there are rescue groups so I don't think euthanasia isn't a certainty. Plus I think that Dog would be happier if we could find him a home with people who have time to be with him--Fiance works 60-80 weeks and doesn't have the time or energy.

I am trying very hard to see this situation from his perspective and be compassionate about it, but I have gotten to the point where I dread visiting Fiance because I have to deal with the dog. Is this beyond reasonable or do I need to just get over it?

Our cat prefers me to my wife

Joe Beese — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:01:53 -0800

Bizarre Love Triangle: me, my wife, and our cat As I type this, flat on my back on the couch with my head propped up, there lies on my chest a young adult spayed female cat whom Mrs. Beese and I recently adopted from the local Humane Society and named Jones after the durable feline in "Alien". If I lay down either on a couch or in a bed she will be invariably station herself there within minutes. She sits on the toilet lid while I take a shower. She wakes me up in the night by brushing my lips with her nose.

Now Jones will occasionally seek out Mrs. Beese. But not one-fifth as often as she comes to me. And my wife - who was the driving force behind the adoption in the first place - complains only half-jokingly about feeling left out. "Here comes your girlfriend," she'll frown as Jones crosses the floor to hop up on my belly. Being a little stinker, I can't always resist the temptation to rub it in by saying, "If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone with the cat." Now she talks about our having to adopt a second cat so she "can have one".

There are already sixteen legs in our queen-size bed on cold nights - so I really don't want another pet. Is there anything worth trying to get Jones to share her affections more equally? Or - since I'm not optimistic about the chances of ever changing a cat's behavior - is there any outlook Mrs. Beese could adopt to reconcile herself to Jones being such a Daddy's Girl?

The Affair of the Sooty Paws

stuck on an island — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:12:39 -0800

How the heck do I keep the kitties out of the chimney? We recently decided to share our new home with two elderly cats adopted from the local shelter. We thought we'd done a pretty good job of catproofing the flat, but 30 seconds after we released them from the carrier, the cats had discovered the fireplace in the living room and scrambled up on to the ledge inside the chimney, dislodging a massive heap of fallen soot which in their ensuing panic they spread all over the floor, the furniture, the bathroom, a load of drying laundry (white, of course) etc.

We've propped a large framed poster over the grate opening and anchored it with several heavy objects, but this is an unsightly interim measure and the cats are still manifesting an interest in the Forbidden Cave of Mysteries beyond. I've seen folding metal fire screens on the market, but they all look like only a moment's work to dislodge with a sharp pair of claws. I doubt we could get glass doors fitted, as the fireplace (a small 1920s coal-burning grate) has an all-metal surround. And blocking the fireplace off permanently is not an option, as we want to use it occasionally. How do we prevent another soot disaster?

Dog suddenly not eating

lootie777 — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:13:05 -0800

My dog is not eating, but the situation is not the same as previous questions, as far as I can tell. Please see inside for detail My 5 year old chihuahua is completely off any kind of food. It started last Tuesday morning when he threw up and continued to vomit anything and everything, including water, for the next 24 hours.

Left him with the vet for the day, and boarded overnight for observation. They gave him anti-nausea meds and he was able to hold down water, but would not eat. I (mistakenly) put this down to being in a kennel and at the vets. They ran a fecal test and found nothing, but didn't run any other tests as they didn't observe unusual behavior (other than not eating!)

Brought him home Thursday, and since then have only been able to hand feed him a few bites of steak and beef jerky. He's lost at least 2 pounds in the past week and I'm getting really worried.

Here's why I'm upset - this dog normally lives to eat. It's one of his favorite things. He was overweight until about 8 months ago when I started getting serious about exercising him and cutting down on the treats. All of his normal favorites - peanut butter, hamburger, dried chicken jerky, cheese - he's refusing outright.

He lapped at chicken broth earlier tonight but only for a few seconds.

If I don't see an actual meal being eaten by Monday morning, back to the vet he goes. I'm going to ask for a blood panel, but what else should I request they look for?

I'm trying to keep to his normal schedule as far as walking and meal times, is there any other behavior modification I should try?

I've had dogs in my life since I was a teenager, and I have never had to deal with such a drastic behavior change in such a short time. I'm willing to try anything at this point, hivemind. What's your advice?

How can I control an out-of-control classroom?

GilloD — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 21:01:22 -0800

Controlling classroom behavior: Theory/practice? More inside! So, my wife and I made it to South Korea safe and sound. We're having a killer time! The only problem is, uh, the job we came here to do. A classic story: Teaching English in Korea turns out to be more like Keep Busy in English. For younger kids I've been able to manage with a combination of Powerpoints and lesson-focused activities to keep them occupied, if not entirely attentive.

Older kids (5th/6th grade) are a nightmare. They get up and run around, they throw things, they howl in Korean and no amount of my desperate English pleadings can seem to bring them around.

My 5th grade co-teacher doesn't even show up to class most of time. My 6th grade teacher is MUCH better, but she's reallly discouraged by what's going on and is taking an enormous personal stake in their behavior.

Teachers of the world: What's your advice? Based on previous hive-mind suggestion, I proposed an incentive system. The biggest problem to me seems to be that one or two especially coy troublemakers can ruin the whole class. By focusing on the behavior of the whole class (I have about 300 students per grade, nearly a 1000 in total, so per-student evaluation is not really doable), we can hopefully mitigate those troublemakers by providing an incentive to ignore their tricks.

Does that make sense? Does anyone have further advice on implementing an executing incentive systems? Is an incentive system the wrong way to go on this?

best book for a new kitten

amtho — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 20:51:01 -0800

Looking for the perfect book to give people who adopt our foster kittens. Hoping for one which will lead to a fabulous relationship and rich life for both the people and the kittens. We have three awesome foster kittens. I'm finding that I care a whole lot about how they will be treated after they are adopted into a permanent home. Please help me find the perfect book to send home with them!

One in particular is very sensitive and wouldn't do well if someone tried to discipline him the way my family would have when I was growing up -- spanking, yelling "no" at him, that kind of thing -- although he's very observant and seems to care more about pleasing people than the other two. Though he's a little shy, he's intelligent and finally starting to blossom, but the slightest expression of displeasure has him hiding and ducking his head.

Of course I'll be careful to try to match kitten personality with adopter personality, but there's only so much one can do. I've had some basic behaviorism/psychology education, but is there a nice readable book that will do this for a new kitten owner?

I remember a book called "No Bad Dogs" from way back in the 1970s (more about "problem" dogs than training puppies). Even though the basic ideas of listening to the animal, looking at the world from its point of view are now pretty widespread, I've not heard any really good things about kitten guides.

Can anyone recommend a book that would help a new kitten owner really tune into and bond with, and prevent problems with, an adopted kitten (probably 12 weeks or older)? Bonus if it includes how to work with them on training (fetch, other commands), since that kind of activity can really increase closeness and cat-happiness in many cats.

Information about things like kitten-proofing a house and selecting food would be nice, also, but I'm mainly interested in behavioral information.

A quick look around Google and Amazon showed some titles that were related to one area or another, but not "Here, read this and you'll be on your way to being a superb friend to your new kitten".

Help for a child with compulsions

serazin — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 15:42:56 -0800

A child I know and love appears to have behaviors consistent with OCD. I'd love to hear your personal experiences with treating or adapting to this condition/way of being. I'm not looking for diagnostic advice - this child is in the process of receiving evaluations from an MD and a psychologist (although if you have advice for specific questions that should be asked in these evaluations, that kind of suggestion is welcome). I am interested in hearing from folks who either have this condition, have always suspected they have this condition, or are close to people who do, and hearing your stories. Specifically, what support did you or would you have found helpful.

Thank you!

The cat is an asshole

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 09:33:37 -0800

My fiance has two cats. I've never been a cat person, and am worried about what's going to happen in a few weeks when we move in and the cats become our cats. Sorry in advance for the length of this... I'm posting anon because people I know read MeFi and I'd rather this not get back to my fiance, so I'll try to squeeze in every detail I can. If you want to reach me, throwaway email is: thatdamnedcat.mefi@gmail.com

My fiance has two cats. They're both adopted strays, who have been with her through a cross-country move and several apartments. We live in a city, so they're both indoor cats, and have been all their lives. One cat (we'll call him A) is awesome. I've never been a cat person, and before I met my fiance, all the cats I'd ever known somehow instinctively knew this and gave me a wide berth. This one did not. He's an attention whore, and the friendliest animal I've ever met. We get along famously, and he's very well-behaved.

The other cat (let's call her B) is a huge asshole. We think she was mistreated before my fiance adopted her, and she never really recovered. She's incredibly skittish, and it's taken me a year and a half of being around her for her to even start to tolerate me. I can, on rare occasions, pet her briefly on the head before she turns and flees. It's possible that I freak her out because I'm much bigger than anyone else she's known (she lives in an apartment with two small-ish females, and I am a very large guy), and make more noise/am more intimidating/remind her of a past abuser, but I want to stress that I've made great efforts not to do anything to freak her out (I don't wear shoes around her because of the heavier footsteps, I've never tried to discipline her for anything she's done [see below], and I try to move as slowly and non-menacingly as I can when she's in sight ). It doesn't seem to matter. This cat pretty clearly dislikes me, and I haven't been able to do much about it. That would be OK with me, but she also pretty clearly dislikes my fiance, too. And my fiance's roommate. And everyone else she's ever met. She'll disappear into a closet when anyone unknown comes around, and will barely make an appearance when it's just me and my fiance. In the time that I've known my fiance, I've never seen her interact with B for more than about 30 seconds at a clip. B will tolerate a small amount of attention, and then act like she's been spooked by something and go tearing out of the room. She's not a lap-cat, and doesn't crave any human attention at all.

I can handle an anti-social cat, but things took a turn for the worse a couple of months ago. B has taken to peeing on things, and it's pretty clearly meant as punishment to my fiance and I. She has a handful of spots that are her favorites, and nothing we've done will dissuade her from them. There's a couch cushion that she likes to target, as well as a spot behind a piece of furniture. If someone leaves their shoes at the entrance to the apartment, those shoes are as good as ruined. We're religious about keeping the catbox clean, and two trips to the vet haven't turned up anything. She's only 6 or 7 years old, so I doubt it's age-related. Every time she pees on something, we completely clean and disinfect it, and we've tried treating the surfaces with cleaning sprays designed to keep cats from re-offending, and we've tried some desperation tactics like spreading dry cat food on the cushion and in the usual target spot on the floor in the hope that she won't want to pee where she eats. Nothing. At least twice a week, there's a big puddle for us to clean up. A few times, she has walked into the room where my fiance and I are sitting, climbed up on the cushion, turned to look directly at us, and peed. She did this earlier today, after my fiance and I got back from a weekend trip out of town (during which my fiance's roommate remained in the apartment, feeding the cats and cleaning the litterbox). I can't see any other reasoning behind this except as punishment--there are no major stressors in her life, unless I'm being perceived as one, but that's not something we can fix.

At the same time, she has taken to sitting outside the bedroom door, howling and scratching at the door in the early hours of the morning. I finally relented and agreed to leave the door open (the two cats used to sleep on the bed with my fiance before we started dating, when I asked that we keep the bedroom kitty-free to slow the cat hair buildup, and because they contribute to my snoring), thinking that she might just be lonely and want some attention. Not the case. A couple of nights a week, she'll sit at the (open) doorway, scratch the doorframe, and meow pitifully for hours at a time. We've made sure that she has water, food, and a clean litterbox. Day or night, when we try to give her attention (because we of course realize that cats are social creatures), she won't hear of it.

You can probably see where this is going. I hate this cat. She's wrecking our sleep and our apartment, and since my experiences with her have all been negative, I don't have any positive things to focus on. Nor can I really see that my fiance has a whole lot of positive history with the cat--B has apparently been completely antisocial for as long as my fiance has had her, and the peeing-as-revenge thing has come up a few times in the past, under equally baffling circumstances. They don't have anywhere near the rapport that my fiance has with A. I am not and never have been a cat person, and I just can't understand why anyone would put up with this from an animal who clearly doesn't care about its owner. (I'm seriously not trying to troll here, and I know people care deeply about their cats--I understand completely, and would probably feel the same if this one made even the slightest hint of caring) I've read the previous advice threads on how to deal with the individual behavioral problems, but all the advice seems to boil down to "cats are assholes, but you should put up with this weird quirk because it's worth it to have a pet you enjoy." I just can't see the upside, and am a little worried about what's going to happen when my fiance and I move into a new place together in a few weeks (we're currently in separate apartments, but spend 5 or 6 nights a week together). I don't want to be unreasonable, and would never start laying down ultimatums like this poster's husband, because I don't wish any harm on the thing, but if the cat starts seriously disturbing our sleep, I don't trust myself not to snap about it in the morning someday, so I'd rather start dealing with this now. And while my fiance and I are normally the two most communicative people in the world, and are otherwise blissfully happy and open with each other, I have no idea how to broach this with her, because I don't have any solutions to offer, and just dropping "I hate this damned cat" isn't helpful.

So, after that whole treatise: what do I do? I'd love to hear any suggestions for correcting the cat's behavior, or finding a way for it not to bother me so much, or for somewhere the cat can go, or... well, anything.

Thanks in advance!

me: "Hi!" you: "Hello" me: "um.." you: "...." me: "..." -> infinity

wiretap — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:16:09 -0800

How do I stop acting like a complete weirdo? It freaks people out, which freaks me out, which freaks them out more on and on in an infinite cycle. In many situations I seem to cause a lot of tension and nervousness/awkwardness to the people around me. I sincerely don't mean to but I'm not sure what to say/do or how to behave to put people at ease.

Some background and examples:

First of all, I've always been shy and introverted and have had issues giving off "mean" vibes growing up due to rarely smiling, and basically being that weird kid that everyone wonders what happens to after high school. I've had tremendous trouble making and keeping friends my whole life (while there is no shortage of people who are friendly to me, in the long run most people can't stand to be around me too often without being severely annoyed). In my early 20's I finally learned how to be a little more friendly and smile more and have obtained a large handful of acquaintances, but still have difficulty creating any sort of close intimate friendships.

I realize this is due to the way I act; there are many social rules I'm only learning now through the power of the internet. Sometimes I read about certain unacceptable behaviors and suddenly realize why entire groups of people have frozen me out of their lives in the past.

I've learned to dress more flatteringly, and apply makeup and style my hair, so at least I appear to be a normal person at first, but then once people start talking to me I say and do things (and probably have weird body language) that creeps people out. Examples:

When I see people I know I blurt out "Hi!" to them, which creates some sort of awkward moment. Usually they make an uncomfortable face and say "hi" back, but seem pretty weirded out regardless. I usually smile and if they're a little far away I'll throw in a wave which makes people even more uncomfortable, and sometimes they nervously laugh or look away. It seems rude not to say hi to them, but is there a different way to greet people that won't freak them out? This happens extremely often and makes me feel embarrassed and sort of sad. Am I being too enthusiastic?
Any place I go to get my hair or nails done I struggle to make small talk with the person doing my hair or nails. I'll laugh too much at small things (mostly out of nervousness) and smile a lot (too much) and not have anything interesting to talk about, then the remainder of the appointment is conducted in mostly silence. The hair stylist/manicurists are always nice to me but seem extremely relieved when I leave.
My "closer" friends aren't afraid to crack jokes around me, but I never have any funny things to say in response. I usually just laugh the whole time, and then they get irritated that I'm laughing too much. I have no clue how to spontaneously make funny observations (when I do, nobody laughs). Sometimes they get so exasperated that they start to pretend that I am no longer there.
I've never had a romantic relationship, ever. Guys have expressed interest but recoil once they get to know me a bit better. Unless I have something specific reason to speak, I am terrible to talk to on the phone and in real life. My conversations have a lot of long, awkward pauses for which I have nothing to relieve with a joke or anything at all.
I especially freak out mid/upper class and highly educated people. If I'm with my sister they're very receptive around her but alone, they try to avoid me. Admittedly, I start to get more nervous when I realize my presence is making other people uncomfortable which makes me even more nervous which makes THEM more nervous, etc.

I'm awkward! This is not normal human behavior. It annoys everyone and it's affecting my social life, my professional life, everything. I get the same reactions around my family as well.

How do I even begin to stop being so weird?

What do we know about gregariousness in human behavior?

bru — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 10:17:45 -0800

What do we know about gregariousness in human behavior? My Google-fu is failing me: I thought that I would find tons of studies about the role (or effect, or influence) of "gregariousness" in human social behavior and I find almost nothing. Sheep, mice, bonobos, yes. Human, no. (I also searched with sociology, psychology, anthropology, neuroscience, Daniel Dennett, Richard Dawkins.) What am I missing?

What have I done to offend you, kitty?

fermion — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 11:25:21 -0800

Why is my roommates' cat hissing at me, and what should I do to convince her to stop? My housemates have two cats--sisters, about a year old. I moved in when the cats were still kittens, so they've known me most of their lives. One of them is as calm, friendly and loving a cat as you could want, if a bit shy and retiring. The other, however, seems to be taking an increasing dislike to me and has developed a habit of hissing at me for no obvious reason, often accompanied by a swipe from her claws.

Occasionally she does this for more or less understandable reasons--because I'm trying to remove her from some location where she's trying to get into trouble, or because she's decided she's Done Playing. She never hisses at my roommates, but they are her "parents" and so presumably she's more tolerant of their interference.

More often, however, she hisses just because I try to pet her, or for no reason at all. She has a baffling habit of sitting next to my alarm clock and hissing or attacking every time I reach for the snooze button--my roommates think that she might be especially aggressive while in my room because she can smell my pet snakes. At other times she'll hiss, claw, and then roll over onto her back as though wanting to play.

She's been hissing more and more often lately. Why is she doing this? How should I react? Should I speak sharply so she knows it annoys me, or should I ignore it, or what? I would really like to be friends with her, and at the very least I want to co-exist peacefully.

Help me keep my cat

Niomi — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 15:29:02 -0800

My husband has given me a deadline of two weeks to keep our cat from waking us up at night. If I can't change her or find a home for her he will insist on giving her to a shelter. (alternatively, if you live near Ft. Wayne In and would like to adopt the cat) Our animal control shelter kills animals and no-kill shelters in the area are not taking more animals.

She cries at night and wakes us up. I sleep through it easily and have not considered it to be a big deal but last night my husband got frustrated and decided that she must leave. On the revelation that no one we know wants her and all the no kill shelters are full, he has given me two weeks to stop the behavior or she'll go to animal control.

We've had her for a year, she's now three years old. We have tried ignoring her: I think in part she meows just to entertain herself. We've tried punishing her by spraying her with water (she doesn't mind a little water) and completely dousing her in the shower (she may or may not settle down for one night, but starts the next night, and getting up multiple times a night to douse her is more disturbing than her behavior). Plus punishment is a possible issue if she's happier to get negative attention than to be ignored.

I am considering getting her a shock collar for small dogs. I want to know if this will harm her physically in any way, she is a smallish cat and weighs 8 pounds. I would normally not consider this a humane treatment at all. I feel like this is a last resort to save her life.

I love this cat, please help me help her.

Party foul, or reason for jihad?

dejah420 — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:41:46 -0800

Party foul, or unforgivable etiquette breach? My best friend was having a birthday party, and my present to her this year was going to be a decorated cake. (Sorry, no pictures of the finished cake...reason to follow.)

So, for about two weeks, I got ready for this cake; trying different recipes to get the flavor she wanted (it was a chai spice butter cake, with hazelnut cream cheese icing), I made tons of sugar flowers, flow-in butterflies, fondant bees, etc.,etc. Most of the cake parts had to be transported separately, because these things don't travel well, so I drove down (about 4 hours) to the party a half a day early to put the cake together, which took another 3 hours.

The birthday girl wanted to cut her cake after the pot luck dinner, and after everyone had a chance to go swimming.

I came in from the pool, and found that one of the guests...known for her rather tacky behavior, had disassembled the cake...put the sugar flowers all over the house, and had taken what looked like a huge handful of cake out of the cake itself. I didn't even get a chance to take a picture of the final cake, the birthday girl didn't get a chance to cut her cake, and nobody else at the party got the experience of the whole cake ritual. (singing happy birthday, etc.)

I was furious. Livid, even. My exact words were "What the hell is wrong with you? Were you raised by wild animals? Under what circumstances does this qualify as acceptable behavior?"

The woman who did all the damage ran out crying, and her husband came in to berate me for making his wife cry. At which point, I just threw up my hands and walked away. Now, keep in mind, these are not kids. These people are all over 40.

I feel like I have every right to be angry that some twit destroyed my present and hours and hours and hours of work, and that I should never have to do anything but be country-club polite to her ever again. (Yes, I know that it is a particularly vicious female tactic. I only use it when jihad seems too kind.)

Other people say that it was an egregious party foul, but given that the person is socially clueless and inept, that I should forgive and forget. (Other than randomly seeing this twit at parties, I have no contact with her, and I'm not demanding that anyone else stop seeing her, I'm just saying that I will no longer be friendly to her, especially since she feels like she shouldn't have to apologize "because I yelled at her". )

So, your opinions: Am I over-reacting to an egregious party foul?

Five year old favoring dad's GF over me (natural mom)

cdg7707 — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 14:09:57 -0800

How to deal with five year old daughter showing preference for dad & dad's girlfriend over me? Today was my daughter's kindergarten "graduation". After the events were finished and people were basically socializing, it became glaringly obvious that my daughter wanted nothing to do with me. I tried to give her a hug and kiss and she deliberately pulled away from me and ran to stand by my ex-husband and his live in girlfriend. She was holding the gf's hand and hugging them while I stood there and watched. She didn't even give me a glance. It took every ounce of self control to not burst into tears.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced since our daughter was 18 months old. As far as I know, we have a very good relationship. Very rarely do we argue or disagree about things and certainly never in front of our daughter. I like his girlfriend and there have not been any problems that I'm aware of. My ex and I have both joint physical custody and joint legal custody. She splits her time equally between our homes (well, I have her probably 55% of the time and he 45%.... whatever, semantics). When we went through the divorce I agreed to joint physical and joint legal because, well, he is a good father, is very involved with her, and has every right to spend time with her just as I do.

I'm looking for other's words of advice, observations, experience, etc. as to why my daughter acted like this. She's done it a couple of other times but not every time. When she's with me she is very much a "mama's girl" and wants to be with me, doing whatever I'm doing, all of the time.

Is this just a normal variant due to the fact there were a lot of people, maybe she was uncomfortable (she can be shy)? She did stay with her father last night, so maybe it's a transitional issue? Is it just a case of a "kid being a kid"? Am I not giving her enough attention or something?

Should I be concerned about the possibility of them (ex and gf) attempting to alienate her from me? I would hope to god he would have more class than that but on occasion when we have fought he has threatened to take me to court to get full custody of her..... on what grounds I have no idea, considering I don't smoke, drink, have never done drugs, am gainfully employed, nice house, never been in trouble with the police, haven't abandoned her, no abuse, etc. And I'm NOT suggesting that people who smoke, drink, et al are not good parents so please don't infer that. I was simply listing things that I've heard other people try to use as grounds for getting custody. Anyway, another thing that makes me question this possibility is I found out on her school registration form that he filled out, he put himself as the custodial parent and me as the non-custodial parent which isn't factual at all. If I had filled out the form I would've made it glaringly clear that he and I both had physical and legal custody. He also listed his gf's name as the 2nd emergency contact and me 3rd.

Anyway, I know I have NEVER, EVER put her in a position of choosing me over daddy. NEVER. I've never bad mouthed him to her. I've never denied him from seeing her. There isn't any tension between he and I that I'm aware of. I don't trust him 100% but I keep that to myself.

She is my only child and I love her more than words could possibly express. Hopefully you guys can maybe ease my mind because I'm not going to tell my five year old that she hurt my feelings or try to have her explain her behavior because I think she is too young to articulate why she did something, aka "I don't know."

Thanks for any and all advice!

I need to be less odd. How?

Anonymous — Thu, 21 May 2009 11:47:35 -0800

I want to stop being seen as odd or eccentric. What can I do? All my life, I've felt like the odd man out. I seem to have trouble connecting with people and picking up on social cues. I'll often say things that are taken as offensive and not understand why.

Recently, I've become aware that most people at my work think of me as being extremely odd. I do have some odd behaviors. For example:
- I have a habit of answering my phone in a different way each time.
- Sometimes I speak in an overly formal way (i.e. I won't say "Yeah", I'll say "Why yes")
- Strange questions will come to mind (i.e. Someone says that a special prosecutor was appointed in a case and I ask "Was he wearing a black cowboy hat?")

I want to be more normal, for lack of a better word. It's tough being the odd man out all the time. Everyone around seems to get along and interact, but when I say something, it's as if the room has stopped.

I am currently in therapy for this, but my question is whether any of you know of any other resources and techniques I could employ to curb my oddness and eccentricity.

If it matters, I'm a man. I've also set up a throwaway e-mail at weirdodude1@gmail.com

This cat is destroying my apartment.

Valuev — Fri, 15 May 2009 00:43:02 -0800

I agreed to cat-sit. Now the cat is destroying my apartment, my sanity and my 401K (no wait, the stock market did that). Please help me. A friend of mine had to leave town Tuesday on short notice, due to the sudden death of her mother. Wanting to help, I offered to take care of her cat while she's away for the next couple of weeks.

The cat is about 10 months old, very cute and furry and a lovely creature... except for the fact that he's an absolute terror. I had no idea cats were capable of such evil. I dread getting out of bed every morning, because every morning has brought a new phase of disaster to my apartment. My wife and I only have experience with outdoor cats, so we haven't a clue why this cat is doing some of these things or how best to handle it.

To complicate matters, my judgmental mother-in-law is coming to stay with us for the weekend, as arranged several weeks ago (and I can't cancel; I already tried that.) I'm recently married, and had been hoping to demonstrate that I'm not quite the failure at domestic life as my wife's mother thinks I am, but that'll be hard to pull off with shredded curtains and kitty litter sticking to the dishes.

Here are the two biggest problems we're having. I realize there are multiple questions here, but any advice is deeply appreciated.

*Kitty litter is everywhere but in the box.
Every time he uses the box, he flails around so violently that bits of litter fly clear across the room. We originally had the litter box in the kitchen, but quickly realized that wouldn't work when litter somehow ended up in our coffee machine. So we moved it into the bathroom, and woke up this morning to find kitty litter on every possible surface: the sink, crusted across the toilet seat, and in the bathtub. It was even in the walls. Is there some reason for this; and better yet, can we make it stop? Will different/better litter help? Should we put more or less litter in the box? Is it in the wrong place?

*He is an architect of destruction.
I don't think the cat will be allowed to watch The Wire on DVD with us anymore, because it clearly gave him the idea to stay up all night, smoke crack and ransack the apartment. He really must sleep all day when we're at work, because at night he is a whirling dervish of activity. He topples over the trash cans and strews the contents around the house, vandalizes the houseplants, and will knock everything possible off of shelves and countertops. I found teeth marks that weren't my own on my toothbrush. He also has figured out how to open drawers, and this morning I woke up to find him sitting inside my nightstand; naturally, all the contents of the drawer were on the floor. We've tried limiting him to only certain sections of the apartment by keeping the doors closed, but we have a small apartment, and boxing him up in small spaces just seems cruel (and seems to make him even more active). Should we keep him closed up in one room anyway, or do I need to start purchasing additional rental insurance?