Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with bdsm

BDSM costume ideas, please!

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 19:11:10 -0800

Looking for an original costume idea for Halloween at a BDSM club. My creativity stores are running up blank. I'm going to a BDSM fetish club for Halloween and want a costume that's relatively unique, but not too...offbeat. That is to say that I don't want to be the 500th schoolgirl or police officer or french maid there. But I also don't want to go so far off the beaten path that get into a fursuit or something.

Does anyone have any good costume ideas that will fit into a fetish club, but not look like everyone else, yet not be too offbeat? Cheers!

Kink-aware therapists: tips or suggestions?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 13:05:04 -0800

How should I go about finding a therapist who will be open-minded about my involvement with BDSM? I'm a 22-year-old woman in Arizona, and I'm experiencing some issues with depression and social anxiety. I'd like to find an experienced local therapist who can help me with these issues, but I'm a little concerned that some aspects of my relationship with my boyfriend will set off domestic abuse alarms to therapists who aren't well-versed in alternative lifestyles.

I'm involved in a 24/7 dominant/submissive relationship (I'm the submissive). My partner and I are very respectful of each other, and I'm not being abused or coerced in any way. Still, I've seen therapists in the past who seemed to find my very interest in BDSM unhealthy and a little unsettling. I know I could just "leave those parts out", but then I'd feel like I wasn't being entirely honest.

I know about the database of Kink-Aware Professionals, but unfortunately all of the Arizona listings seem to be either:
a.) people with dubious credentials (hypnotists, life coaches, and the like)
b.) prohibitively expensive ($150 per session?!), or
c.) located in Tucson (about a two hour drive from me).

Does anyone have any general tips for finding a therapist who will be non-judgmental about my personal life? Specific recommendations for therapists in the Phoenix area would be fantastic as well. Throwaway email: therapy.in.phx@gmail.com.

How to manage feelings in BDSM/casual sex relaionships?

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:55:03 -0800

Your tips on figuring out my feelings as I enter into casual play relationships? (risque elaboration within) Sooooo I am a newbie to BDSM and casual play/sex and while I've had a small handful of good experiences so far, I'm a little worried of my own green-eyed monster rearing its head. Main reason I ask: I met someone recently who I enjoy play/sex with, and since he is unattached and very affectionate towards me (and I find him very attractive) I'm starting to get date-y feelings toward him. He compliments me in a date-y way, too, i've spent the night, and he has once (on our 2nd of 2 play dates) suggested we hang out in a non-play setting too, but I'm not sure what to make of this or if I'm reading into it. I'm afraid to bring up any deeper discussion because I feel... uptight? demanding? like I'll freak him out by being not-casual? if I do.

This is all especially confusing because, while 3somes are something I'd like to try, I now am getting antsy and mixed-up emotionally when he brings up looking for new play partners for us. And I'm feeling tinges of jealousy knowing he's looking for new play partners for himself. How does one manage this sort of transition and dealing with jealousy? Any suggested tips? Suggested reads? Throwaway email: applicablenot32@yahoo.com If it matters, I am female, 30, unmarried (and not very marriage-minded normally.)

Choking and breathplay defined?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:17:30 -0800

Choking and breathplay defined? On a whim, I have been browsing through AskMe's rich archive of BDSM-related topics, and came across this question. My girlfriend and I have incorporated what you would I guess call light choking while having sex for about two years without even thinking anything about the potentially harmful effects, and, perhaps naively, this is the first I've come across anything about it.

The problem is that none of the sites I've come across really define what choking and breathplay are, and I am now trying to figure out whether what we do counts as choking / breathplay so as to place it in the category of things that can kill you, or if it's something else altogether. (Nothing like trying to describe this in text, but here goes.)

My girlfriend loves being choked, so I'm the one doing it. We always do it with her lying on her back. I basically make a V with my right hand where my thumb makes one side of the V and the other four fingers make the other, and place my hand at the top of her throat, right under the jaw (so that my thumb and index fingertips are directly down under her ears, and I can feel the contours of her jawbone with both of them, while the middle of the "V" is under her chin). Then, without pushing downward, I close the "V" a little bit, so that I only apply pressure on the sides of her neck and not on the middle. My girlfriend is never at a point where she is completely unable to breathe (she is able to take breaths, just not full ones) and I let go when she starts to feel pressed for air, just 10-15 seconds after. I'll typically do it anytime between 5-10 times during a session when we do it, and we do it maybe 25% of the time that we have sex.

So: is this still in the OMG-risk-of-cardiac-arrest-don't-do-it territory, or do those dangers only come up when there is more acute oxygen deprivation?

Is it safe/practical/advisable to spank someone who's wearing a butt plug?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:01:58 -0800

Kinky folks: is it safe/practical/advisable to spank someone who's wearing a butt plug? What should I keep in mind while doing it? My girlfriend's an enthusiastic fan of getting spanked. I'm an enthusiastic fan of anal play. (Neither of us is new to it. She enjoys it too, and we wouldn't do it if she didn't. It's just higher on my list than it is on hers.) It would make us both very happy campers if we could combine the two. But I'm worried it wouldn't be safe — mostly, I think, because I've always been told to be OMG BEYOND GENTLE anytime anyone's asshole is involved. I wouldn't want to hit the plug itself — just to hit her ass while she's wearing it — but even still I'm worried that it's a bad idea.

Google is useless on this. It's not just that it gives you porn. It also gives "instructions" and "personal experiences" that might be genuine or, ...okay, yeah, are probably porn. The books I've read don't say anything either way. I mean, granted, they also don't answer questions about other combinations. ("Is it okay to pinch her left nipple while biting her ear? How about the right nipple?") But like I said, the anal/roughness combo has me nervous.

Talk to me, hive pervs. What do I need to know here?

Getting over someone who completely gave themsleves to you.

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:44:51 -0800

So there was a girl (as all of these things tend to start). She gave herself to me utterly in the BDSM and just plain loving sense, and meant it. We had a stormy but passionate relationship, and in retrospect I treated her badly during it. We'd broken up and weren't talking but I felt I'd left her alone to protect her from disappointment. We talked again, and we tried to go out...then she said she was no longer in love with me. I'm not an emotive person, and I guess I've never really felt heartbreak before (I'm late 20s). How do I get over this? The thing that is striking me at the moment is that I didn't realise quite how much I needed her love. I was infinitely happier not talking to her, but knowing I was in her heart...and I was. We went out for about 5 years. Then the last time we broke up, I said I'd never speak to her again. I thought I hated her, but I think I was terrified that she might actually love me and then she could hurt me. The irony of realising that after she spent years trying to show me then stopped when we didn't talk for the 6 months in which I realised how much I loved her.

Amazingly, she said after all this that I am still her best friend, and she wants us to always be so. Her love in that respect amazes me, and I know she'll always be there for me like that. However being her friend and watching her fall in love wtih someone else is tearing me apart like nothing else ever has. Every day, I think of her, every day it feels like someone has died. My life is filled with a pervasive sense of loss and there is a hole in my heart. I miss her love, and I miss my anchor.

There are three questions I have, I guess.
a) How to move on from that, and indeed if it's possible to love someone so intensely that you miss them every day and still be their friend;
b) She refuses to say that she'll never be in love with me again, and not being able to let go of that is making me insane;
c) How to be civilised and not show that extreme passion to both actually be friends, and;
d) How to rebuild myself. I guess I defined myself quite a lot as someone loved utterly by her, even if we weren't talking.

This might sound simple, but I've never been that emotive before. Any advice is appreciated.

Intelligent media for the diry-minded

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 12:30:32 -0800

Erotic films and literature of the BDSM variety? Particular preferences inside. I have read this question, but I'm looking for slightly different types of films. Also, literature.

I'm interested in dominance and submission, some sadism and masochism, bondage, and intense psychological relationships. Foreign language films are good (as long as there are subtitles), and I'm not interested in plain porn. I'd like to hear about artistic films with interesting camera angles, good acting and plotting, and yes, sex too. I'm particularly interested in sexual awakening films. One movie I recently watched and enjoyed was Secret Things. (Choses Secretes)

I'd like to read some books with the same stipulations: They must be well-written and full-bodied, exploring the topics listed above. I enjoyed The Story of O, but am not necessarily looking for books that reduce everything to a master/slave dynamic.

Bonus points for info on how to purchase/view your recommendations. (Available on Netflix, or Amazon, or to purchase from a particular website you like, etc. With reference to books, particular editions such as those published by Grove Press are also welcome.)

Paddling techniques to maximize pain and minimize injury

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 10:52:02 -0800

So my submissive partner has recently discovered that she loves a good hard paddling. Problem is, in achieving the level of pain she wants, bruises are created. How can we avoid bruising while still maintaining a fairly severe pain scenario? Is it a function of the weight of the instrument? We're looking for that situation where the immediate effect is shocking, and it hurts for a day and a half afterward. Also, if you share our tastes, what's your favorite paddle?

Whip me, spank me, call me names....

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:49:19 -0800

How can a shy girl explore her new interest in BDSM in San Francisco? I know, this should be ridiculously easy.... I am a shy, 25 year old female without a lot of dating/relationship experience. Over the past few years, I have become more and more aware that I am into BDSM and am ready to start experimenting with other people. I live just outside of San Francisco, so I feel like this should be ridiculously easy to explore but I just can't seem to get started.

I am not in a relationship so it's not like I can ask my partner to spank me/tie me up/make me a slave/whatever. None of my friends are involved in the kink scene (that I know of) so I can't ask them. I'm too shy to attend a munch (me+a bunch of people that I don't know=too much anxiety). Craigslist is a maybe, but again with the shyness and the uncertainty when meeting strangers. A further complication is the fact that I identify as a lesbian, but most of my fantasies revolve around submitting to a man. I'm not used to the whole boy/girl relationship dynamic which would make me even more anxious in the actual situation. Should I go to a professional? If so, where do I find legit pro-doms/dommes in the SF/Oakland/Berkeley area? Googling is turning up lots of shady looking pros. Is there a well known pro in the area that is generally recommended as "the best?"

Have rope, will travel.

puckish — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:54:02 -0800

Another "kinky sex hacks" question... (NSFW) My partner and I have really consistent, really excellent sex -- creative, intimate, interesting, FUN. I pretty much want to be having sex with him all the time. Awesome! Cue recent question: "What do you think about adding more "kink" into our relationship?" Even better! For me, this means playing around with BDSM, which is something I've been really excited about for a long time.

But...I kind of have no clue what to DO?? And fuck! I'm shy!! I don't know even know where to start!

I have LOTS of questions: First off, how to get around the "acting" thing? Planning scenes seems weird. A sexy evening, for us, is having a conversation about programming, progressing instantly to making out and fucking -- and then going back to talking about programming, usually (this is tremendously hot, by the way) Ideally, I guess, we'd do this with rope involved? And, you know, authority?

(Can we do this, without explicitly 'staging' sequences?)

(And what ABOUT staging? This sounds really hot! How do I do it and make it believable?)

(How do you introduce props -- and more specifically, restraints? - without having it seem weird and artificial?)

The bigger question, I think, has to do with how to make this good and healthy, and not traumatic. My (limited) experience with SM has been in the context of pretty exploitative relationships, where the sex got a LOT more creative when there was actual cruelty involved (not good or healthy for long-term relationship prospects — and DEFINITELY not something I want to replicate here). For his part, he's had some pretty scary experiences involving consent and lack thereof. This raises a lot of questions, in thinking about S/M and D/s play. What's the difference between SM that's about humiliation, vs. control? Does it have to play on some kind of fantasy about exploitation? For me, this comes up in pain play, things like scratching and restricting breathing (which I REALLY like, but which is also confusing and cues up some unpleasant things). For him, the line comes in playing with consent (which is off the table) — but which also seems to be kind of *what you’re playing with* when you do BDSM.

So yeah - how to negotiate these issues, and still have fabulous kinky sex? We want to keep the bad stuff solidly OUT of the bedroom, and make this something really affirmative between us.

In practical terms, pretty much anything’s on the table (and recommendations are welcome!) We’ve got sex toys pretty well covered - strap-ons and vibrators, etc. What else? Rope and restraints? Ice cubes? Hot oatmeal baths? Props? Basically, my thought is, “I’d like to tie you to the wall and fuck you like crazy.” What do I do, in order to make this happen?

A question about d/s in a long distance relationship.

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:46:12 -0800

Long-time pervert, first-time top, in love with a wonderful submissive girl who lives halfway across the country. We're looking for ways to satisfy our particular combination of kinks when we can't be together in person. NSFW details inside. Yeah, I know, phone sex and video chat. We're up to speed there. But there's a particular combination of tastes that we can't figure out how to satisfy. See...

...what I enjoy about topping is getting a reaction that shows me what she's feeling. It's not the spanking I like, it's the yelp. So my first impulse, when it comes to phone or video sex, is to be all "talk to me, tell me how it feels, tell me what you're thinking, call me Sir, blah blah blah." But...

...the more submissive she's feeling, and the more she's turned on, the less verbal she gets. In person, that's fine, because I can still get the feedback I enjoy from her body language. Over the phone, it makes things pretty one-sided, and even by video I find her body language harder to read somehow. So, okay, that leaves me to talk dirty to her, or to give her orders. But...

...the other catch is, she's not at all into humiliation. All the dominant-sounding dirty talk I can think of is humiliating one way or another: bitch this and slut that and filthy whore and, you know, we really just don't want to go there.

So far, my repertoire as a phone sex top is pretty much limited to "good girl" — and she says she likes that a lot, and it really seems to capture the dynamic we're both looking for, but it sure does get repetitive.

So we've been talking about this. I'd like to have more I can say to her to put her in a submissive state of mind, but I'm not sure what. She says she'd like to have things she can do to show her submission that don't require her to talk, but she's not sure what.

Suggestions?

FWIW, here are some things we really like when we get to play in person: spanking and other kinds of impact play, bondage, obedience-type d/s — including a certain amount of the whole be-a-brat-and-get-punished thing. Things we really don't like at all: humiliation, "roleplaying" (I'm not Lord Zarquon of Gor, I'm not a Nazi pirate captain moonlighting as a boarding school headmaster, I'm her boyfriend), chastity/orgasm denial (why would I want her to get off less?), the usual scat-blood-and-animals trifecta.

The Secretary, now what?

anonaccount — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 13:08:52 -0800

Me and my girlfriend got a total kick out of watching The Secretary together. If you know what I mean :) What other films should we watch together? IMDB recommends some foreign language films which I know nothing about. I think we'd prefer them in English, with a decent plot.

I don't think it was the BDSM element that we liked, but I think the fact that it's a slight taboo made it more interesting, along with the slow burning sexual anticipation.

So what does the hive mind suggest to get us in the mood?

Former Dom of sub friend or foe?

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:51:44 -0800

D/s filter: Should I be concerned that my sub still keeps close contact with her former Dom? I'm a newbie-ish Dom (mid-30s male) with a couple of short-lived D/s relationships under my belt, and am currently involved with a 23-year-old submissive female of 2 months. This is her first r/l relationship, but she carried on a 7-month relationship with an online Dom (50+ year-old male) when she was 18 years old. The problem is, she still chats with him on a near everyday basis, and claims that he is now a "good friend" with whom she can share her new experiences and ask for advice.

On the one hand, as I'm her current Dom, any contact with her former Dom seems unacceptable. On the other hand, if he has now become her confidante, I don't want to cut her off from perhaps her only (other) outlet for questions, doubts and fears.

Of course, I understand that *I* should be her primary source for any questions or doubts she may have, but I also want to make sure she has a third-party friend who can help her by offering an outside perspective.

Some details:

-We recently went on an overnight trip, and I took some photos of her. When I sent her the pics, she immediately showed them to her former Dom without telling me.
-They have never met face-to-face though he's asked to meet her many times since they ended their D/s relationship.
-He has made it clear to her that he would still like to have sex with her, and she has in turn made it clear that this won't happen.
-The reason why their relationship ended was that he was found out by his wife. It is unclear whether the wife is aware that they are still carrying on a "friendship".
-She has told me that if I wish for her to cut him out of her life, she would, but that this would make her very unhappy as she would lose a very good friend.

Question: Should I allow this to continue? Am I being hyper-sensitive by being worried at all? Do I have any cause to be concerned?

I have not expressed any outward concern to my sub. I am pondering my next move.

I'm not good at tying knots around a beautiful woman.

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 19:14:43 -0800

My girlfriend loves being tied up. Unfortunately, I never was a boy scout and suck at tying knots. (nsfw) I've got this book and lots of rope, but I'm still fumbling around and slow tying her up after several months. Sure, the anticipation can be great, but I'd love to get more dextrous with the rope.

Particularly, many of the bindings require very long stretches of rope, and I'm not quite sure how to manage it. It seems like I spend most of my time pulling the yards of rope on the loose ends through the knot. Push the rope under, yank the rest through for a minute or two. Should I be rolling the rope around my hand somehow, so I can push it through the knot all at once?

Do you experienced ropers have any tips or resources? Any creative ways to tie her up? How to drive her wild during the long setup time?

NSFW NYC BDSM OK?

sandra_s — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 05:19:52 -0800

NSFW – My efforts to find non-dungeon-y locations for bondage-related photography in NYC (Manhattan, specifically) have been less than fruitful. Help! Very long question inside. My photographer/rigger and I travel to NYC quite a bit. When there, we always make sure that we get several photosets and videos in of me in various bondage-situations (for my website). Unfortunately, we’re usually limited to where we can shoot, as the only place to do it is in the hotel room or at a friend’s house we might be staying at. This doesn’t exactly take advantage of the rich architectural, social or just sheer quantity advantages of the city.

I’ve been running a “Call for locations” on my site that seems to work well for everywhere but the NYC area. I also have posted to craigslist a couple of times in the “adult gigs” section (I’ve pasted the posting below, Although I left it out below, I use a reply-to address hat is of my domain, so people can see the site before they write), but it gets tepid response, I’m not even sure its posted in the right category. What I do is not S&M-y so I’m not really looking for dungeons.

I will be in NYC for 3 days in late January and would love to find a a couple of places to use while in town.

Does anyone know of a good place to put this info so an NYC audience could notice it?
Heck, do you have a location that would fit the bill? If you don’t want to post here, ny email is in my profile.

Thanks!

The CL ad:

Female Bondage Model Looking for Locations for Photoshoots (Manhattan)
I'm always on the lookout for cool, unique, interesting, beautiful places that I can use as locations to shoot my bondage galleries and videos in which I am tied up. These galleries and videos are seen on my site.

If you have one that fits the bill, my photographer and I (and possibly another model or two :-) will come to the location and you will get to sit in and see the photo shoots take place. You might even be asked to help ;-) I'm always on the lookout for cool, unique, interesting, beautiful places that I can use as locations to shoot my bondage galleries and videos in which I am tied up. These galleries and videos are seen on my site.

If you have one that fits the bill, my photographer and I (and possibly another model or two :-) will come to the location and you will get to sit in and see the photo shoots take place. You might even be asked to help ;-)

Don't worry, you will not appear on camera. I'm looking for locations, not models.

I'm looking for:
-Warehouses
-Offices
-Great City Views
-Views of Central Park
-Boats / Yachts
-Elegant Architecture

Basically, anyplace you can think of that would look great with me and another model or two tied up in it :-)

XOXOXO
-Sandra

You email must contain:
Your age
Photos of the location
Tell me what makes it so unique.

Fine print
1)You must be 21 years old or older (Proof of age required)

2) You must own, lease, rent or be 100% authorized to utilize the location you submit, and sign an affidavit to such.

3) In exchange for you providing the location, you will be allowed to be, and expected to be, present during the photography and videography that takes place. No other compensation, be it monetary, service oriented or of any other kind is implied or offered.

4) Confidentiality & discretion is assured.

Deaf safe words?

sperose — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 12:32:26 -0800

How would a deaf person use a safe word? [Answers may be NSFW.] This came up in a conversation elsewhere on the internet. I was wondering how a deaf person would use a safe word, especially if their hands were immobile. Obviously, it would make a difference if the deaf person was the dominant or submissive, but I'm curious for all sides of the equation, so to speak.

Which demographics are the kinkiest?

aliceinreality — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:55:04 -0800

KinkFilter: Is there currently any sociological research on sexual kinks, specifically long-term BDSM relationships? My friend and I were talking a couple days ago, and we were wondering if D/s dynamics were more common among certain demographics (i.e., college-educated, middle class, particular ethnic groups, certain religions, etc.), and I decided that MeFi might know if anyone was publishing on this stuff.

day to day workings of a commercial dungeon

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:56:50 -0800

Kink day-by-day? Where can I read about the workings of a commercial dungeon? I'm very familiar with recreational kink (where no money is exchanged) -- what I want to learn about are the practical daily workings of a high-end dungeon where men are paying for sessions with female mistresses. I'm interviewing this week for some part-time work as a phone coordinator and shift manager for a high-end dungeon with a staff of several dozen mistresses.

I'm a longtime member of the kink community, have worked as a peer sex educator, and am a switch (play both as a top and as a bottom), so I have no doubt I'm a great candidate in terms of relating to the clients on the phone, hearing what they need and pairing them up with the right mistress in a given timeslot (that is the main part of the job). But I know less about the day to day mechanics of this kind of workplace. So what would help me are any blogs or articles about working in a dungeon.

In other words, I don't need writing about sex/kink/techniques as much as I need writing about the mechanics of the writer's worklife as a pro mistress, a dungeon owner or worker, etc. (And I need online rather than print resources -- can't get to a bookstore before interview time.)

I've been very open with the dungeon owner that I'm a lifestyle switch with no commercial dungeon experience, so it's not that I'm trying to pretend any expertise I don't have during the interview. I just want to research well beforehand. I've read everything on the dungeon's own site and a few of their competitors' sites.

Flying the Freak Flag

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 07:09:10 -0800

BDSMFilter: Is a minimal amount of bondagewear acceptable in public? I'm exploring the darker side of my personality and want to be more open with myself and others. I'm considering wearing padlocked leather cuffs out and about during non-working hours (though, as my company recently underwent a lawsuit from a harassed male-to-female TG, I probably could get away with it there, too). No chain between them, just the cuffs. The rest of my dress would be my regular clothing, so this wouldn't be mistaken as a goth accessory.

I don't think anyone in LA gets fazed by anything, but is it crossing the line exposing this to the world? The ultimate goal is to meet likeminded folks without resorting to bondage.com, and I'm far to intimidated to reach out to the local BDSM meetup group. I'm 28, male, living in Los Angeles, single, and never talked with previous ladyfriends about my sub tendencies, so I've never played with others. Just keys frozen in ice.

I know the irony of posting anon about wearing gear in public, but my mom is crafty with her Google-fu. When I don't tell her enough about my life, she tries to find it out herself. But that's a whole 'nother AskMe.

Throwaway at raisingthefreakflag at gmail dot com.

Wisdom for the brokenhearted novice sub

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:22:54 -0800

I'm looking for some coping strategies to deal with the end of my first BDSM relationship. I am a lady (submissive) who was involved with a dude (dominant) for a little less than five months. Not a long time, I know, but it was a big deal for me: aside from being tied up a couple times here and there, I'd never really explored the possibility of BDSM, and never experienced the emotional/psychological components of it (control, humiliation, etc.). This guy was experienced, patient, and incredibly understanding, and we were pretty perfectly matched in terms of our interests and desires.

Alongside the BDSM part of the relationship (which involved deep submission, extensive orgasm control, heavy pain, mind-fucking, all of that good stuff), we also had a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of relationship. The end of the non-BDSM part of the relationship--I'm handling that. There were some complicated things about the relationship, and a handful of reasons why it needed to end, and I'm going to be sad about it for a little while but it's going to be fine.

But the thing that makes me wake up in the morning and start crying immediately is the loss of the BDSM part. From a rational perspective, I would have to assume that the same breakup recovery principles should apply. You wallow, you mourn it, it gets easier over time. But I'm so hung up on the idea that this was the first person I ever submitted to, the first person who recognized and was willing to engage with that part of me, and who helped me learn something about myself and my sexuality at a time when I just assumed that I'd already figured everything out (I mean, I'm in my late 20s; I've been around)...it's certainly not the longest relationship I've ever had, and it wasn't sustainable in the longer term, but it feels like it was an important relationship for me. I feel so dorky saying this, but...yeah. This relationship, and this person, changed me, or allowed me to begin to change myself.

I've been trying to figure out what's hurting so much about this. It's not that I feel rejected, because the end of the relationship had nothing to do with a loss of interest/attraction or feelings changing or anything like that. And it's not unreasonable to assume that we'll end up playing (albeit in a much more low-key way) again at some point, so that's not really the problem either. The bit that's hardest for me to deal with, I think, is the end of the day-to-day D/s stuff, and not having that very specific sense of direction and connectedness. Submission was a really powerful, emotionally heavy thing for me, and within the relationship, I felt so accepted and cared for, and like it was okay and safe for me to let out this essential, hidden part of who I am, a part that no one else has ever seen. I'm fond of this guy and think he's a great person--but I was absolutely, hopelessly in love with him as my master.

So my question is, does anyone have any suggestions for handling a BDSM breakup? Any wisdom for a brokenhearted novice sub?

Subtle kink in popular culture?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:31:26 -0800

Books and movies with BDSM overtones? I'm trying to find books and movies that are not, strictly speaking, erotica, but which have hints of dominant/submissive relationships between characters.

Things like Secretary and The Story of O definitely qualify, but I'm looking for films/books where the theme is far subtler. Two examples that I can think of are Lust, Caution and (to a lesser extent) Gone With The Wind.

Thanks!

Dealing with loss in a nontraditional relationship

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 05:05:59 -0800

My boyfriend's best friend just died over the weekend. He is inconsolable. I know I can't make it better, but how can I make it suck less? To complicate matters, this is not a "normal" situation, and we're not a "normal" couple. MeFites familiar with BDSM culture and psychology encouraged to reply, particularly those familiar with roleplaying/puppy play. Lengthy details inside; probably NSFW (concept, not content). <>

I'm sorry if this is a little disjointed. I have agonised about this for three days now, but figured that I just needed to get it out there.

First off a couple of clarifications. By "boyfriend" I mean "would be my husband if it were legal here". We've been together a few months short of a decade. We have a kind of D/s relationship (but that in itself is a whole different topic).

The method and timing of $FRIEND's death was very significant, although the question of intent will likely never be answered.

By "best friend" I mean...I can't describe it. Their relationship was short and extremely intense. In the few months they knew each other, they were in constant contact, even though they lived 150 miles apart. Several phone calls a day and constant texting back and forth. They had plans to see each other again in two weeks.

Part of the grieving process is the slow revelation that he was in completely in love with $FRIEND.

I already knew that. I knew for a while now that he would eventually leave me for $FRIEND, it was just a matter of time...their bond was that strong. It hurt some, sure, but I told $BOYFRIEND since day one that I wanted the best for him, even if it wasn't me. We have a very open and very complicated relationship...I really was OK with it. It was a joy to see him so happy.

I have never seen my boy in this state. Never. Inconsolable, devastated, destroyed, shattered, heartbroken...the clichéd adjectives all apply, and still don't come close. He went up to $FRIEND's apartment with a few other friends to help clean the place out and hopefully gain some closure, but spent most of today driving around $FRIEND's city, in tears, unable to handle it, not knowing what to do (he is smart enough to pull over when it starts to get bad). He did not want me to go up with him, even though I insisted. He said it was something he had to do alone.

I know that grief counselling is in order, but here is why that isn't very realistic: a major part of the intensity of the relationship was roleplay. My boy is probably the kinkiest individual I have ever met; I can't even count how many fetishes he has. One of his strongest, though, is puppy play. That's a major part of this loss. He keeps saying over and over "I lost my puppy" and "my packmate is gone" and "there is a puppy-shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled again" and uses terms like "I'm nobody's puppy now" and so forth.

I indulge his kinks to the best of my ability, but this is one area we do not have in common. I hate dogs, and do not understand the attraction or psychology behind puppy play. I just don't get it. But it is very apparent and obvious that this was very real to him, because he seems more upset by the loss of that aspect than the loss of a general close friend. In an attempt to help, I offered to collar him and "adopt" him but he refuses, saying that he will only ever be $FRIEND's puppy and knows that I won't ever "truly" be into it.

I am very familiar with the grieving process (Thanatology was a passion of mine) but I am at a loss here. I just do not understand where he is coming from, how those kinds of relationships work, or what would help. It is tearing me apart to see him in such agony, but I don't know what I can do.

That's the general situation. What can I do, where can I go, what can I read, who can I talk to for help in understanding this, and do you have any suggestions? Followup questions, details, etc can go to orphaned.pup@gmail.com. The grieving and recovery process will be ongoing, so I will be checking this over time. Even if it's a week from now, if you have anything to add, please do. Any and all input is greatly appreciated. Thanks very much.

Kink workshop in NYC?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 19:56:03 -0800

Any bdsm workshops in New York over the summer? I will be in New York City from about mid-July to mid-August. I'm interested in attending any workshops, demonstrations or seminar discussions about bdsm techniques (rope, cp, electro, etc) or protocol.

I'm aware that the TES Festival is happening as we speak- a shame that I'm missing it, and double shame that because that's happening now, there doesn't seem to be any courses/workshops scheduled for the rest of the summer.

If anyone could point me in the right direction, I'd appreciate it. Please email kewrius[at]gmail if you'd like to contact me directly.

Better pain management through electricity

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:00:35 -0800

Kinkyelectricsex: My partner wants to bring a TENS machine into the bedroom. How safe or dangerous are these things? It is the device at the top of this page. Everything I've read online says these things are perfectly safe as long as it is connected below the waist (here and here for example) but never ever go above the waist because there is a danger of causing a heart attack. That seems fairly straightforward except that the instructions that came with it only advise against placing pads on a person's head or unbroken skin. They specifically instruct the owner to place pads on the chest, back, arms, and neck as needed (although not, for example, at each nipple). The only recorded fatality I can find involved a device plugged into the wall. And there are places selling electric nipple clips for use with these things.

Are the kinky advice-givers being overcautious? Or am I taking a serious risk just using it on my sore neck and back?

sex in bondage porn? i'll be damned.

nadawi — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:38:48 -0800

What's a good resource for the history of laws governing BDSM pornography? [discussion, of course, potentially nsfw] Barring a website, what can you tell me?

I noticed in my, um, research recently that somewhere along the line it became legal in the USA to show actual sex while a girl was all tied up (god bless 'em).

This made me all sorts of curious about the whole history, and specifically that change in law. I've tried searching google, but as you can imagine trying to find search terms for scholarly interests on the topic gets a little difficult.