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Advice for someone new to crossdressing and D/s.

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 07:06:23 -0800

My husband just told me he's into crossdressing and wants to introduce D/s into our sex life. Basically, my husband of 6 years told me that he's really into crossdressing, and wants to do some kinkier stuff where I top him. I'm getting more okay with this; at the time he told me I was really upset because I felt like he was saying that the few years of our sex lives was inadequate. However, we talked about it, and he assured me that it was not, that he loved us, and that he loved having sex with me. Every now and then I have little twinges of panic and grief, particularly when he talks about wanting me to cum inside him using a dildo, but I’m gradually getting over that. I’m getting to a point where I understand that it’s more a kind of scene/play than him actually wanting me to be a man or have a dick. Heck, it’s not like we haven’t used strap ons before. He just wasn’t in a skirt those other times. So far, I’ve helped him pick a “goal corset” (if he does really well at his homework/upcoming tests, we’ll get him that) and have sent him some images of clothes and shoes. TBH I think the thing that bothers me is that in the porn links he’s sent me showing what he wants to do (like a crossdresser getting fucked in the ass), it looks painful and borderline non-consensual. When I see things like that, all the parts of my brain are like, NO ME GUSTA! Besides this, we've actually had some fun exploring this new aspect of our relationship; we've also been checking in with one another pretty frequently, and have had a lot of really good, really deep conversations about this permutation in our evolving sex lives.

Anyways, as we’ve talked further about this, it’s becoming clearer to me that he’s really into being submissive as well. This makes sense; he’s mentioned before that he likes it when I’m more aggressive in bed, and that he likes it when I’m rougher with him. The thing is, my ONLY experience with BDSM (as a hot, curvy, embarrassingly naïve undergrad) was as a lifestyle sub for my first boyfriend. It left me with a real bad taste in my mouth for kinkdom in general and BDSM in particular; I feel like he used his kink to be cruel and controlling, and that any scenes we did involving toys and props were really about him bolstering up his fragile ego using violence and verbal abuse. I have a real antipathy towards doing that with my husband, even though I can tell that this is really important to him. It’s also been really upsetting me that I really liked the few times we’ve played a little bit rougher (like with me spanking him, orgasm denial, etc) because I would never, ever, ever want him to feel like I did when I was with that first asshole. This is probably one of the major reasons he waited so long to tell me.

The other thing is, we’re long distance for the next four months. He is training for his job, and has a roommate. Sometimes the roommate goes out on the weekend, and then my husband has a little privacy. There is no possibility of my seeing him in person until December, so everything we’re doing now has to be by phone, Skype, or chat, and has to be something easy to hide/put away if his roommate comes in.

Now, here’re my actual questions:
1. What resources would you recommend for someone sticking a toe into the world of D/s, particularly for a woman exploring being a top?
2. What are some activities I can assign my husband to do long distance? I’ve looked at this thread for ideas, but would like more inspiration.
3. What should I know about being married to a crossdresser?

Help me find a long-distance partner!

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 20:03:54 -0800

How can I find a partner for a very specific kind of long-distance relationship? (Mild kink inside.) Backstory: I carried on a very intense LDR (phone/online only, never any face-to-face communication) with one person for the better part of 8 years. This relationship was based in D/s with an M/s slant. Both he and I were married for part of it, with our spouses' partial knowledge of our relationship. We basically let it lapse about 4 years ago when life -- marriage, kids, work, etc. made it too much. I miss this person and think about him a lot.

Present day: My husband, with whom I remain in a committed partnership (we are best friends and business partners, and have no plans to stop living together or raising our kids together -- we really are *together*) and I have decided it's good for me to once again pursue this kind of LDR. I have some very deep emotional needs that are not being met, and my husband and I are in 100% agreement that we each deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and are fine with other people being involved in that fulfillment. (In case it's relevant, my husband is also very deeply immersed into some of his own pursuits at the moment, which do not include me -- these are spiritual/intellectual, not emotional/physical.)

I have reached out to my old "friend" via email but have no idea if I will hear back from him. In the meantime, I'm interested in exploring other options for online/phone companionship. What I'm looking for is this:

- someone with a dominant slant, but with kind of a "natural order"/alpha perspective, *not* someone overly concerned with trappings and labels. In other words, someone who just "is."
- someone who is focused on the mental/emotional aspects of D/s and enslavement: mind control and strong emotional influence is good, bondage and other "external" stuff doesn't really do it for me.
- someone who is either single or in an open relationship, not someone who is going to be sneaking around.
- someone who is truly interested in an intense, ongoing relationship that will almost certainly never lead to 24/7 or any face-to-face contact at all. I want friendship, accountability, and perhaps a sexual element, but I'm not looking for phone sex only.
- someone in the U.S. or Canada, just so they're not in such a different time zone.
- someone smart, creative, discreet and deeply masculine.

I know this is a lot. And I have no idea where to find it. The chat "community" where I met my last friend (Yahoo) is no more, and I've just joined Fetlife and feel overwhelmed -- it looks like a great resource, but I feel lost in a sea of bondage pics and people looking solely for in-person meetups and play.

Any suggestions of where I could explore and hopefully find some like-minded people would be so appreciated.

(If it's helpful, I'm a female, 30s, U.S.-based with knowledge/experience with most elements of BDSM, even Gorean communities but not the roleplaying ones, more the philosophical ones.)

(Also, please take my word for it that this is completely and totally okay with my husband -- we decided this together, in fact it was his suggestion, and we are fine with our marriage not being as traditional as some if it works for us. This seems like a pretty open-minded community, I'm just saying.)

Reconciling feminism and submission

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 09:53:32 -0800

How have you (or have you not) reconciled your feminism with an unexpected and expanding sense of submission, which is not limited to the merely or nearly sexual? How have you (or have you not) reconciled your feminism and your submission?

I've read scattered articles on the Internet, some proposing that submission and feminism cannot be satisfactorily reconciled in our Western society and others arguing that they can. Everything I've read comes from someone with very entrenched interests in one
side of the debate. I've yet to see something from anyone in my situation. (cis-gendered female entering into a consensual D/s-even-outside-the-bedroom relationship with a cis-gendered male)

I'm turning to you good people for links, anecdotes or private emails which can be sent to lookatmeoversharing@gmail.com

I am a proud feminist, have been active on some important issues and am kicking butt in a male-dominated field. I've always looked for and found equitable relationships, while gravitating toward men who were dominant in the bedroom. I have no issues with that.

Until now. This one lets his dominance creep out of the bedroom in surprising ways. Even more surprisingly, and alarmingly, I find I like them. Being sent on the occasional errand, being instructed to wear my hair a certain way or call him by a certain startling endearment... Those things took me by surprise but also felt good. He is willing to scale these things back if necessary and definitely observes my hard limits but he does gently press my soft ones in a smiley playful way an cheerfully encourages me to give up more control.

More worrying, I think there may be a tendency for him to also be wearing his dominant mantle when we argue. I don't mean that he shoves me down and beats me, of course, but I think I detect some condescension in the way he addresses me when we talk out our problems. He also likes to dictate the terms under which we get together to hammer things out, expecting a certain tone and approach from me.

On the other hand, I am prone to flying off the handle in my other relationships. He takes a much more adult, pragmatic tact so it may make sense for him to set some of those terms and he is very willing to listen to me and consider my arguments. In the end, I tend to end up agreeing with him on most things, but he also has considerable powers of persuasion.

An important note is that he does identify as a feminist himself and feels strongly about women's issues outside of the context of our relationship.

It's not that I'm unhappy in the structure of our relationship. I'm not. But I do believe that the personal is political. The way we choose to live our individual lives helps to build a community and world structure that we believe in.

I'm not looking for straight up DTMFA because I would give that to myself the moment I felt this tipped into a negative relationship instead of a loving one. I'm also not particularly looking for perspectives from people who don't have at least some strongly positive feelings about feminism. I'm just looking for feedback / thoughts or tactics on if and how the two things can be reconciled OR information about how & why you believe they cannot.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts & help. Anonymous for professional reasons but more than happy to answer any questions via email.

Possibly relevant: I'm in my late 20s, he's in his 30s. No kids involved. We live in a liberal west coast city. Neither of us is involved in or feels drawn to "the scene".

Please Sir, may I have some more?

Anonymous — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 19:17:43 -0800

Kink-filter: How can I initiate sex while maintaining my submissive role in the bedroom? NSFW D/s details inside. My husband and I recently stumbled into the world of BDSM (hooray!). So, now, in addition to being my loving, supporting, and fantastic husband in our normal lives, he is my Dominant and I am his bound, spanked, and exploited submissive wife (in the bedroom). It has been a truly amazing experience and I could NOT be happier with the dramatic change in our sex life over the past six months or so. I have read a lot of books on the subject and am learning quickly but, there is something that I just can't quite grok; how to initiate sex while maintaining a submissive facade.

I have always had the higher sex drive between the two of us, and generally I have always been the one initiating sex (which I am OK with). He has told me straight up that he loves having sex but that it is difficult to convince him that, at that moment sex is more exciting than whatever he is focusing on (he is a very ambitious and hard working person who is always working on things he loves. It is often hard to get him away from his hobbies and interests generally). He has told me in the past that I should just keep pushing until he realizes "Oh shit, this is going to be way more fun than programming!". Sometimes though, that takes a while, and it feels super weird NOW because I am supposed to be being submissive to his desires. It seems clear that his desires aren't sex, so I feel strange (and kind of dominant) trying to change his mind. I have a pretty good success rate with the help of sexy lingerie and showing him what I've posted on my porn tumblr that day, but I feel like both of these things aren't exactly the answer I am looking for... maybe because both of these things aren't particularly submissive.

So, kinky mefi's, how does this work? He wants me to help get him in the mood, but I am not quite sure how to do this while maintaining the relationship we have decided to maintain in the bedroom. We are both fairly new to D/s, and still learning our way around our roles, so any advise is helpful. He will be reading these answers too I'm sure, so please feel free to address both sides of the discussion.

Thanks!

Subtle kink in popular culture?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:31:26 -0800

Books and movies with BDSM overtones? I'm trying to find books and movies that are not, strictly speaking, erotica, but which have hints of dominant/submissive relationships between characters.

Things like Secretary and The Story of O definitely qualify, but I'm looking for films/books where the theme is far subtler. Two examples that I can think of are Lust, Caution and (to a lesser extent) Gone With The Wind.

Thanks!

Tell me (a girl) how to sex up my partner like he wants: with me in charge!

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 23:31:23 -0800

My partner wants me to dominate him. That's totally not my style, and his pickiness makes it harder, but I'm trying my best, and it's working! Up to a point. (NSFW text inside.) I know a lot of this stuff is sensitive -- I completely understand, since I'm the shy, quiet type, and IRL I don't discuss my sex life at all with anyone I'm not having sex with -- so you can e-mail me at tryingtotop at gmail if you don't want to answer publicly.

I've known for quite awhile, and I made it clear to him from the very beginning, that I'm submissive in that I enjoy having my partner take charge. I also found out, with him, that I really enjoy being spanked and bitten and similar not-very-painful fun. He's okay with some of that stuff, but not with tying me up (something I want to try). When he's been in charge, he hasn't yet done anything more hardcore, really, than biting me and calling me names (which I don't like but he does).

Over the same months, he has been encouraging me to take charge of the situation. It's not that I don't initiate (I totally do -- I have a high sex drive and I'm clear about it), but it's very hard for me to forcefully take command -- which, of course, is what he's slowly revealing to me that he wants. It's really hard for me, mostly due to my nature, but also because even if we were both 100% vanilla, the sexual power would still be all on his side: he is older than me, he has tons more experience (he is my first partner), and he can physically overpower me.

Also, he is really picky about what he likes in that area. He also doesn't want to discuss kink -- he wants it to come up spontaneously in the middle of sex sessions, because (his explanation) what we might say no to normally could sound like a great idea when we're turned on. This means I have to walk a fine line between being creative and careful -- when I misstep by trying something he's not into, he gets grossed out and turned off, and shuts me down hard. As discouraging as that is, it's not something I can blame him for; I'd get turned off if he brought up a kink that grossed me out.

Anyway, I've found some things that seem to work, although the menu's pretty limited by his pickiness (list below). For example, we can make out while I undress him, then I can order him to sit apart and watch while I slowly strip and touch myself. (This alone represents a huge advance for me -- I do not like to order people around.)

Trouble is, when it comes time for him to get into the picture, everything goes haywire. The moment he touches me, I turn into a giant jelly -- moaning for him and totally at his mercy. I melt completely. Whatever toughness I have conjured up disappears. Obviously, that's no good for him -- he wants a girl who will sit on his face and ride him brutally without regard for anything but her own pleasure, but he's got a girl who, the instant she lowers herself onto his face, turns into a whimpering, begging mess. When I start going soft that way, it doesn't matter that we got to that point because I ordered him to lie down, hold still, and shut up.

So I guess my question is actually a couple of related questions. First, how can I overcome this? I'm sure it's related to my inexperience, but I've been doing this with him for a few months now and the way it affects me isn't lessening at all.

Second, what else can we/I do? "You sit over there and watch me" only goes so far. I mean if that's the setup for the third time in a row, he's got to be pretty bored with it by then.

Things I have established he is not okay with (aka really hard limits): pain, including mild discomfort like ice cubes; restraint, even light stuff with scarves; humiliation; anything nonsexual (e.g. making him do household chores); anything long-distance or outside of an encounter (e.g. telling him not to masturbate for a week); anything whatsoever going up his ass.

D/S-ish things I am sure he likes: me physically dominating him (being on top, sitting my full weight on him, physically forcing him to do things) -- tough because he is stronger than me; me ordering him around; (the idea of) me peeing on him -- I am not into it but okay with it, and trying, but it hasn't really worked yet (shy bladder I guess).

Other stuff I know he likes, in rough order: 69; eating pussy; being rimmed -- doesn't happen, I will play with his ass, but not with my mouth; blowjobs -- this totally makes me feel like the in-charge amazon he wants to see, but my mouth is occupied so I can't talk about it; playing with my butt (his fingers and tongue, nothing bigger yet) -- but this makes me feel super-submissive; dirty talk -- I am not good at it, although I am not embarrassed to try I seem to word things wrong.

Other technical stuff: We do not have PIV or anal sex, and we do not plan to (we are both 100% okay with this). We have not yet tried tittyfucking, intracrural sex, or other forms of outercourse -- I would totally try them (I love dry humping, so I feel like that bodes well), but I'm not sure how he feels about this stuff. Right now we deal with oral, oral, and more oral (and he also uses fingers and vibes on me). Sex is super-marathon -- when we see each other, it tends to be for 15-20 hours at a stretch, and in that time we take breaks pretty much only to eat, nap, and talk.

So how can all these preferences combine in some way that works for him and leaves me in charge?

Last question, I swear: I really want to call him names, but what? When he takes charge, sometimes he'll call me slut and whore (both of which I really dislike and consider very inaccurate, and they make me worry that's how he sees me) and bitch (which I dislike less, I guess since it doesn't specifically relate to promiscuity). I have been clear and told him how I feel; he doesn't get it, but says he'll try to stop, but when he's about to come it's not unusual for him to forget. I want to call him names partly so he realizes what it's like for me, but also because if he likes it, I want to try to understand why so maybe I can learn to like it too.

But due to years of cultural weighting, calling a guy a slut or whore is more likely to elicit laughter than shame. Can I still call him a bitch, or would that be weird? Is there anything else I can call him instead? "Slave" or "servant" or whatever would be way too hardcore for us (I definitely would not want him to address me by title as "mistress" or whatever). Also, he's not into humiliation, so I can't make fun of his (big, beautiful) dick or (highly developed) oral skills. Basically I want something to tack onto the ends of commands: "Get on your knees . . . bitch." Would calling a guy "bitch" work in that context? What else?

Thanks, MeFi -- again, you can privately e-mail tryingtotop @ gmail if you don't want to answer here!