Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with balance

Springtime Can Be Challenging

andhowever — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 13:01:27 -0800

Livin' life as a person who is prone to mood swings and emotional disturbance. Springtime is a tough time for me in this regard. I understand that I'm not alone. What do you do to keep stable when the weather is changing every day? Without getting too mystical on you, something about the volatile weather of spring is very difficult for me. I become prone to bouts of depression, hypomania, anxiety, and -- most distressingly -- decisions based on these factors that turn out to be really bad decisions.

It's become a chicken-and-the-egg situation wherein every spring for the last few years, I end up doing something I regret, which then feeds my perception of spring as a Bad Time and makes me more likely to fall into it again!

Coping strategies for maintaining inner balance in the face of gusty winds? I'm in therapy, exercise regularly, and use scented candles as aromatherapy. But recommendations for books, movies, songs, strategies, etc that work for you would be much appreciated.

Tell me more about this Japanese TV show, Kamiwaza

Jasper Fnorde — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 19:49:14 -0800

I saw this cool demonstration of grace and balance on YouTube and now I want more. From the context, it looks like the 2013 champion of a Japanese TV Asahi show called Kamiwaza. If this is the champion, you'd think there'd be a dozen or two other performers who weren't quite as awesome as this, but were awesome enough to be worth watching. Google and YouTube don't seem to know much, though. (Although I did learn that Kamizawa is also a PS2 game and apparently a Polish cosmetic brand.) Can anyone tell me more about the show? How long has it been running on Japanese TV? Where can I see more?

how do you balance a relationship with the rest of your life?

sockypuppeteer — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 18:27:54 -0800

In my first relationship where I'm spending significant amounts of time with a boyfriend and need some guidance on how I can balance 'him' time and 'me' time. I'm 25 and I'm in the first relationship in my life where I'm really spending a significant amount of time with the guy. We're about four months in and generally spend most of our weekends together and a couple weeknights as well. I'm super happy and really enjoy spending all of this time with him, but it's meant that I don't have a lot of time for the other things in my life. I need some ideas on how to create a workable and sustainable balance between him and everything else.

We have a pretty overlapping friend group so I don't feel like I'm ditching my friends to hang out with him since often when we're together they're also around. I don't live near my family but I have a short list of family members that I call each weekend and I've continued to do that. I also feel like I'm on top of the things I need to be doing like bills and such. However, a lot of other things in my life have fallen by the wayside-- reading, studying spanish, running, other hobbies that we don't share (we do a lot of cooking together and hiking and rock climbing, but the hobbies we don't share I don't do much of anymore). I also like to get up a few hours before I need to leave before work and stretch and drink coffee and do housework and that's not something I feel like I can do when he is sleeping over (which he does often). I work about 50 hours a week so a good chunk of my time goes to that.

so obviously I could just stop spending quite as much time with him and I know that he would understand and respect that decision but I really enjoy being with him and having him sleep over and hanging out with him all weekend. I'm just a fairly independent person in general and so it's a sharp decrease in ME time and I'm looking for ways of figuring out that balance. I realize it's sort of a 'have my cake and eat it too' attitude and there are only so many hours in the day, but I'm sure that many people have faced this dilemma and I'm looking for ideas on how to approach it.

I guess I also have this worry in the back of my mind that this is way too much time to spend with one person and we will be sick of each other soon (we also work together...our jobs aren't really conducive to socializing too much during the day but we're always passing each other as we work and talking on breaks.) What I'm trying to say is we spend a LOT of time together and I'm worried that it's not sustainable.

A Little Bit (Or More) Each Day ... Of What?

reader-writer — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 16:46:59 -0800

Help me decide how to spend 5 to 30 minutes each day in 2013. Last Christmas I received a "daily journal" jar loaded with questions and prompts for writing about my life. I began in January and kept at it. It has been a great project because I love writing and enjoy journaling. Though I'm busy, my schedule is pretty flexible. Now I have a 100,000+ word document, which feels like quite an accomplishment. But a year of writing about myself seems like plenty.

Perhaps the most important part of this project - the one I'm struggling to replicate - is the balance of routine (one response per day) and flexibility (writing more or less depending on interest or available time, writing whenever I can steal some time during the day).

I am considering writing something else. But I worry about replicating the balance. If I wrote a novel, for instance, a daily word count might be too constraining. But "I'll write every day" would be to easy to dodge with "I'll make up for it tomorrow." And there would be days when I'd legitimately want to spend the time researching and puzzling instead of writing. Too many such days could easily derail the project.

What other ideas do you have for daily actions where I could replicate this balance? Or, if you think writing a book will work, how should I set the parameters so I can keep it up for a year?

How do you manage your time as a freelance worker?

croutonsupafreak — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 10:28:47 -0800

How do you manage your time and priorities as work ebbs and flows during your life as a freelancer? What do you do with your days between big jobs? What portion of your time is spent on paying work, managing your business (taxes, bills, sending invoices, etc.), personal/professional development, trying to find more work, networking, etc.? Do you deal with deluges and droughts, or is your work more steady and consistent, and how much control do you have about this situation? What do you do during lulls? How long did it take you to become comfortable with your workload after you became a freelancer? After more than a decade as a reporter and editor at print newspapers, I quit my job in March to become a freelance journalist, and it's mostly been awesome. I've got a good reputation, a lot of friends in the business in this region, and a decent professional network. As a result, I've found it easy to make enough money to get by. I'm bringing home less than half what I earned before I quit, but it's enough. I don't need much and I'm the happiest I've been in years.

My patchwork of income includes about a full week each month working in a physical newsroom, at most 1-2 in-depth written stories each month, and maybe another 4-6 quick-hit reporting assignments per month. I wind up working about one 40-hour week each month, and then only having having maybe 10-15 hours of work to do the other weeks. Every now and then I get a bigger assignment that will keep me pretty busy for more than a week at a time, but mostly I have a ton of time on my hands.

For a while, I coped with this free time by seeking out ways to fill it -- I spent the summer on an amateur athletic team that required 10-15 hours/week of commitment and putting in full days volunteering at a local museum. But those commitments left me over-scheduled when crunch times came along, and made it hard to accept certain jobs, and so I've pulled back some. Instead I'm trying to channel my energy into creative personal projects -- a book I'd like to write and a blog related to my reporting work and my personal interests. But I'm also reading a lot for fun, going for long walks, watching many, many hours of Netflix.

I haven't figured out how to balance my workload, and how to know how much down time is normal/healthy vs. how much is a sign that I'm slacking and should be doing more. How do you handle this? What blogs do you read that give you insight into your lifestyle? What books and articles do you recommend? How do you, personally, balance your own freelance life? Did it take you a while to find this balance, or to accept a lack of balance? How did you achieve zen?

Asking Questions about Money and Working Hours During A Job Interview

Effigy2000 — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 18:12:40 -0800

I have a job interview coming up on Wednesday next week. I want to ask some questions regarding working hours and money. Should I, and if so, how should I frame the questions? I have a job interview on Wednesday for a job I would both enjoy (its my kind of work) and need (money is tight after unemployment set in a few months ago).

The only downside is it's a 1.5 hour drive from where I live. So if I get the job I'm looking at significant fuel costs and increased wear and tear on my car.

The pay scale is AU$80-$85k per year, and I imagine if I get the job they'd probably start me at $80k. It's decent money, but the fuel costs alone would probably eat up a significant chunk of my fortnightly take home pay.

If I get the job I'm also looking at a situation where I will probably be getting home at a time after my 10 month old son has gone to bed, meaning I probably won't see him very much except on weekends.

So during the interview I want to ask two questions, which are basically this;

1. I would like at least $83k to make up for fuel costs as well as wear and tear on my car.

2. What hours will I be working and is there any flexibility to allow for me to get home in time to say good night to my son and maybe have some play time with him?

Are these questions I should ask in the interview? If so, how can I best frame them so I don't come off looking like a guy who's just in it for the money and wants to go home early?

All that scratching is making me itch.

Currer Belfry — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 15:11:00 -0800

New turntable is misbehaving. Would like the green's advice before I call in the pros. I bought this Audio-Technica turntable a few weeks ago. It requires you to balance the tonearm and adjust the tracking yourself, which I'd never done before.

The documentation is as helpful for newbs as you might expect. Balancing the tonearm appears to be some sort of art that you have to join a guild to learn, but I did the best I could with some help from Lifehacker. I have absolutely no clue as to whether I did it correctly, and I don't have any friends who know anything about this. After I balanced the arm, I did zero it out as called for in the manual.

The identity of the installed cartridge was cryptic at best. According to a circular sheet that was lying on the platter (!), the counterweight/anti-skate values are supposed to be set to 3.5 for the ATP-2 cartridge. So I did that.

Well, let the popping, skipping, and skating begin. I just played a record that I bought new and probably have played twice in the last 30 years. It was horrendous.

I saw online that this turntable has also shipped with a cartridge that requires a counterweight of 2, so I tried that as well with an appropriate anti-skate setting of 2. That was a little better, but still not all that great. In general, the setting of 2 seems to work better.

I bought a Shure cartridge and haven't installed it yet; frankly, I'm afraid to. At this point, I'm probably going to call my local record store and have them recommend someone (who hopefully will make house calls). But before I call someone who's going to benefit from my remaining in the dark about my turntable, I'd like to hear from the green as to what you think might be wrong.

I need eight days a week. Or more.

thrasher — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 16:01:57 -0800

I don't understand how people with homes, jobs, kids, families, hobbies, televisions and pets DO everything. What am I doing wrong? Help me make the most of every minute! I live with my boyfriend. We have no kids, no pets, no mortgage and no television. We don't party or travel and we don't have much of a social circle. Still, there never seems to be enough time for everything! The following numbers are all in rough, average terms:

Because of work schedules, we only ever get 6-7 hours of sleep a night (often even less). I commute about an hour a day round trip. I rarely work more than 8.5 hours/day (including 30 minutes for lunch). His work schedule will vary widely, from four 8 hour shifts one week, to six 11 hour shifts the next. He does the cooking, I do the cleaning. We spend 1-2 hours a day on breakfast and dinner together. I spend 1-2 hours a day on chores (laundry, dishes, basic cleaning, bills/paperwork) and generally clean more (vacuum, scrub the kitchen/bath) only when we have company, which happens usually once a month. We walk for about an hour roughly 3 times a week. We probably average an hour of sex each day. We see friends/family once or twice a week, very occasionally go to concerts, very sporadically work together on an ongoing hobby/project we enjoy (if we get to it for a couple hours every other week it's a lot).

I always feel shortchanged on sleeping, exercise, sex, socializing and our project - those things are always jockeying with each other for our time and attention. So I'm always short on sleep, sex and exercise, only get a chance to see one or two friends/family members each week (and they and I BOTH feel shortchanged on that), and I often think forlornly about the project.

I don't spend any time at all writing in my journal, or practicing my drums, or reading books, or planning and shopping for healthy meals.... and I really need to and want to.

And then there's a long list of things, mostly small projects/chores that would make my life better that I've been meaning to get to... for NEARLY THREE YEARS. (buy new car stereo speakers and have them installed, fix the car antenna, get a few pieces of clothing custom-made, replace the flash tube in my camera's speedlight, learn and practice more skills for work...)

Is it normal to always feel like there aren't enough hours in the day and there's a million things you just can't get to? What are your best methods for managing your time the most effectively?

(now if you'll excuse me I'll be at a birthday dinner for the next three hours...)

How to disperse the fog of comfort.

itesser — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 20:04:17 -0800

How do you fight the "fog of comfort" in a long term relationship? My boyfriend (25) and I (27) have been together for about a year. We're not as awesome as we used to be.

All the focus on personal creative projects and improvement we had when we were single has been replaced with a love of sleeping in together and spending full weekends being lazy and going to gastro pubs with friends.

We both want to do better, go on more hikes and crazy adventures, and making things (individually and together), but his bed is just so comfortable.

How do you stay bright and sparkling and avoid taking your significant other for granted? How do you balance individual time and couple time when the latter is so delicious and seems in rare supply?

We both recognize the problem and that we're both complicit in the slide, so I'm looking for solutions that will involve both of us.

I have a hard time sacrificing my beau for the greater good. And he has a hard time sacrificing sleep for the greater experience.

Hope us? Specific guidelines and strategies appreciated.

I can't walk straight or hear over the ringing.

cp311 — Wed, 23 May 2012 22:35:23 -0800

I've been experiencing some troubling symptoms with increasing frequency and severity, namely vertigo and tinnitus. They're affecting daily life to such an extent that I know something needs to be done. What kind of doctor should I visit, and can these symptoms be alleviated in the meantime? Occasionally, I'll be reading or otherwise going about my daily life only to be struck with sudden vertigo. Everything is spinning and I can't walk in a straight line when this happens. It's exacerbated by tilting my head. It's happened while I was driving once, but subsided just before I was about to pull over.

The vertigo always coincides with the times when my left ear is ringing (always the left ear) and has been for a few days. The sound is deafening, remains at one frequency, and is constant for days on end. This happens a couple of times a month, but used to be more rare. I can't hear well with the left ear when this happens, and what I do hear is kind of muffled or garbled. Music sounds off-key.

Basic health stuff: blood pressure, weight, etc are fine. I get plenty of water and sleep. I'm 20 and female. I wear a mouth guard at night for TMJ problems, but haven't had any troubles with that lately. I take Aleve for a few days (2 pills a day) each month for menstrual cramps, but don't take anything else on a regular basis.

The constant ringing is very distracting and I'm tired of asking people to repeat everything they say. Even worse, I'm concerned about getting vertigo while driving again. I regularly drive 1-2 hours and want to do so as safely as possible.

So, GP or a specialist? What can I do to fix this?

Best beginner tai chi videos?

Fuego — Fri, 18 May 2012 13:09:18 -0800

Please share your recommendations for good tai chi videos to improve balance. I'm interested in improving my balance and would like to know what the best tai chi videos are for doing this. I've done Tai Chi once or twice and enjoyed it, but am pretty much a complete beginner at this. I've seen this question from last year, but I am looking for something suitable for someone without a disability. Links to Amazon or other places to purchase are appreciated as well. Thanks!

Unexpected changes in perception after eye surgery. What's going on?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 May 2012 07:19:08 -0800

Unexpected changes in perception after eye surgery. What's going on? I recently had surgery for strabismus (lazy eye) to correct the eye position.

One week later, I am still healing, but I think the eye alignment is quite good now. However, there have been some unexpected changes in my perception that are disconcerting:

- My balance has been thrown off. More than once I have almost fallen, and I tend to walk like I am tipsy now. It was previously not great (probably due to strabismus), but good enough. I am in my 40s, but my balance now feels like someone in their 80s.
- My sense of position in space has been altered. As a driver, I normally have an excellent idea of where the car is in space, e.g., I can parallel park in very tight spaces, usually first try. Yesterday when pulling over to the side of the road I ran right into the curb rather than pulling up about 6 inches from it like I normally would. Today when I pulled in the driveway, I ended up about 16" to the right of where I expected to be and I usually get it within 2 or 3 inches.
- A lesser effect is that computer screens now seem brighter and almost 3D.

I realize I should probably not drive any more under the circumstances, so I am stopping. I also will be availing myself of the medical profession (i.e., eye surgeon, physio, whatever else makes sense) for as much help as I can get, but it may be some time before I can see someone.

My questions are:

1) Has anyone experienced this before?
2) Is this to be expected from this type of surgery? The surgeon gave me no warning of these as possible outcomes for what is essentially cosmetic surgery that I had no urgent need of having.
3) Any ideas of how I might expedite my recovery? I fully expect my brain to adapt to the new situation, flexible organ that it is, but I would like to help it in any way that I can.

I fall over, down, across and occasionally off things a lot. Help me improve my balance?

Sucht — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 00:07:08 -0800

Is there anything out there to help me improve my balance, something that starts off easy, since even attempting to balance on one foot almost always results in me falling and/or getting rug burns? I am a klutz. I fall down stairs so often that my SO and I call it my graceful swan move. I have learned through painful trial and error how to fall without hurting myself much, but I'd like to decrease the amount of times I do fall.
I also have had three ear surgeries which required me relearning how to balance myself on my feet with variable success.

Good balance between monitor and office brightness?

querty — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 07:41:05 -0800

In a typical office setting, how bright should a computer monitor be compared to the ambient/overhead/room lighting? How would one measure this and is there some chart or some guidelines for a good balance/ratio? Other details: Not doing colour-sensitive work. Very few windows so I don't think the outside light affects this too much.

This is somewhat related to my previous question.

Credit Card Comparison that isn't Spam

wcfields — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 11:00:44 -0800

I need a new credit card, but every website that rate/compares them looks like spam bait. Any suggestions? I have browsed through the major players to do a balance transfer, but I'd like to compare and virtually every Google search for what I'm looking for is filled with spam. Any non-biased comparison shopping?

I think I'm losing my mind

bad grammar — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 12:46:54 -0800

I still have my eyesight (for now), but the diagnosis has triggered serious anger and midlife crisis issues. I posted late last year about a retinal disorder (possible detachment). I saw a retinal expert at a well respected university hospital twice and he says that my retinal condition is stable, but otherwise cannot give long-term reassurance. I am having psychological issues.

I am feeling angry at everyone and everything. I just can't take it anymore. I am angry at the 90yo writer whose novel I agreed to type up and edit in my free time (Project #1). Doing the typing makes me angry, since he doesn't have a computer, won't use a word processor, and expects me to type as if it were still the Mad Men era, even though I'm being paid to do it. The substance of the novel irritates me since I disagree with it for political reasons. It might euphemistically be called "heritage fiction." It is being self-published on Amazon. I am fantasizing about trashing it. Did I mention that he still kills off his gay characters?

I am editing a much larger project (Project #2) in my own field in which I, the editor, am at the mercy of procrastinating contributors (most of who are academics, world class procrastinators). A major deadline is approaching.

I can't stand my day job anymore either. I am a school librarian and so besides everything else that needs to be done in the 2 libraries I manage w/o assistants, I spend time picking up books and putting them back in order when the kids push the books around or put them back in the wrong place, spines inward. I am not their mom. It is, however, a job that I can't just quit. I have little confidence in finding another that pays at the same level.

The political news makes me angry too. Two words. Rick Santorum. The thought that Rick Santorum could get elected and that I live in a Catholic neighborhood where many people might support Rick Santorum. I cannot go out and spray paint the nearby Catholic school with RICK SANTORUM SUCKS DOGS even though I would like to.

I am lesbian/bi and live in the closet. This is now making me extremely angry all by itself. I can hardly come out without fear of losing my job. I am tired of living in a straight world, where the city paper can run Ask Amy but not Dan Savage, where people on the bus look at me funny because I have a short haircut, where my right to marry a woman exists only in a few states and even there is threatened by right-wingers.

The real thing that is making me so angry is the thought that I am slowly going blind. I'm a highly visual person who enjoys reading and whose careers have depended on reading and whose pleasures depend on sight. I'm not even musical.

I feel that my productive life may have become too short to put up with all this crap. I want to ditch the day job and the writer (Project #1) and/or take my savings and move out of the Catholic neighborhood into the city (giving me an excuse to drop the writer, since the only reason I'm doing this is that I'm his neighbor). Unfortunately, in this state I don't trust my judgment. It seems foolish to squander my savings on an apartment or condo when I may need them for when I have to exist on disability payments.

Did I mention that I'm living with my parents. I feel that my anger with the writer guy is projection, displacement, what have you.

I need a diagnosis. The possibilities are (a) physical eyestrain from my slowly deteriorating vision is making me exhausted and angry; (b) it's hormones, since I am over 40; (c) life changes or therapy for this life situation.

I know I should drop one or more of these commitments, probably the writer. I have a terrible time saying no to people, even though I want to belt out the line from Amy Winehouse's "Rehab": NO NO NO!

I have not told my supervisors at work about my vision problem, since I figure they'll start searching for a new librarian. What I want is some time off to get Project #2 into shape and get my head together. My supervisors at Project #2 don't know about the vision issue either. Nor does the writer guy.

I also need social support. I don't have lesbian/bisexual friends; due to the commitments on my free time (Projects #1 and 2), going out and socializing is somewhere near the bottom.

Small mortgage balance refinance?

ferdinand.bardamu — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:18:03 -0800

I need help identifying a lender for a mortgage refinance on a small balance. I'd like to refinance a balance of under $40,000 but find the larger familiar lenders do not accept anything less than $50,000. My bank suggested a HELOC instead and a couple other lenders suggested doing a cash-out refinance to increase the balance. Neither option is appealing to me as I simply want a standard 30 year fixed at the lowest rate possible and am willing to pay points to get it. Companies I have identified through bankrate.com... do not leave me with the best feeling. Does anyone have good experience with a lender for such a small balance? Location is Alabama.

(I can pay off the balance any time, this is a long-term interest rate arbitrage and short-term monthly cashflow move.)

I may have missed the boat, what's up with credit card interest policies?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:35:20 -0800

Are there any credit cards out there that still charge interest on the outstanding balance rather than the total balance? I have 2 credit cards, one personal, the other for my business that I own. Both with the exact same interest rate. I happened to charge the same amounts on the two cards at the same time and saw the resulting interest. I later paid an amount that was above the minimum, but lower than the outstanding balance (the payment was the same amount to both cards) and the interest charges came out totally different!

After a bit of research, I found out that my personal card charges interest on the outstanding balance, where the business card charges interest on the total balance at the time the interest is assessed. Then there's also a statement on the business card that roughly says as long as there's a charge on the card, regardless of if I paid the previous month's outstanding balance in full, they will keep charging interest until the account reaches zero. My previous understanding was that as long as the outstanding balance was paid, no further interest would be assessed.

So I got into a catch 22 with the bank. Here's a rough timeline to illustrate:

Month 1 - Purchases.
Month 2 - Pay partial. Purchase more.
Month 3 - Notice high interest on biz card. Pay full outstanding balance. Purchase more.
Month 4 - More high interest on one card & flag problem in head. Pay outstanding balances again. Keep purchasing for business stuff.
Month 5,6... - Cycle continues, more high interest on biz card, WTF? APR not adding up. Later find policy change in original contract and immediately change payment procedures to pay balance to zero.

I should note that the personal account is through a credit union and the business account is through a bank. Does this make a difference?

Looking for a new business credit card, I asked a different bank about this. According to this bank's representative this change swept through the credit card industry a few years ago and I was probably grandfathered in on the personal card and being the good business customer I never noticed until I got into that situation expecting something different. Read the contract dummy... ;)

So, are there any cards out there that calculate interest with the "outstanding balance" methodology or have they all changed to the "total balance" method now because it makes them more money?

I've heard Chase and AmEx business cards are good via a couple online reviews, but I've never had a card with a yearly membership fee and I don't really care about rewards because it seems that the industry is raising rates on vendors that accept the cards in order to pay for the rewards, which from my perspective is vendors just pass that through back onto me anyway by raising prices. I'm paying my own rewards! That's no reward! And I'm sure credit card companies take from those too, gradually eating away at our economy and our pocket books.

For now my personal card remains grandfathered into the old system but who knows how long that will last.

What's the community opinion on Chase and AmEx? I read a few reviews that say these are good cards to have for business, but they seem the same as the rest to me, the reviews only touched on great customer service, but if the underlying policies are the same, they're no different from the rest financially speaking.

I only bring this up because as my business grows (we just turned 3 years last week so we're still small potatoes and this situation was also small and easily dealt with), but I think these types of changes in interest policy would have much larger dollar amount impact on a large corporation which we might like to be someday. How do you deal with this or do larger corporations get extra perks from sheer volume of usage?

Am I dreaming of an interest policy long past that will never return? How does your business handle credit - use more often or sparingly? Did you notice the change in interest calculation policies and were you grandfathered in or not? How do you feel about rewards from a business standpoint?

How did you decide to have one parent stay home was the best situation?

NotSoSimple — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:57:45 -0800

How did you decide to have one parent stay home was the best situation? I will keep it brief and can fill in on details if it will help, I just dont want to ramble. Wife wants to teach elementary but cant due to budget cuts in Oregon. Her current job she works full time, but is too emotional and she is pretty unhappy. She really wants to stay home with our two year old daughter. How did you decide to go down to one income? What helped the transition?

Specs: Both in our mid-20s, two year old daughter. We would be living on $60k (My salary) if she quit, losing the $36k she makes now. We own our own house ($1700/m), two cars, etc.

I just dont know where to begin with budget. I guess I am afraid having my wife stay home is going to COST us more money than it will save. That and I do not think she sees the gravity. That is 95% all her with the kid, no breaks until I get home, little interaction, etc. We do not have any friends with kids yet, so we are kind of trail blazing this.

What if this is as good as it gets?

YukonQuirm — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:26:26 -0800

Would I know if this is as good as it gets? I know I've got it pretty good, better than most I bet...but I feel a little, I don't know, perhaps unsettled. But maybe that isn't even the right way to describe it - physically it's more liked stressed with a side order of tired. How do you know when you're at the top of your game and when you are in the place that is best for you and your family? I have a good life and I'm not complaining about the hand I've been given. I'm married with two children and I have a good job. It's a very stressful job but it can be rewarding as well. I put in a lot of extra hours but I also have some flexibility when I really need it so that I can attend important events such as recitals etc. The pay is also pretty good and the benefits are exceptional i.e. health and pension are amazing. Most of the people I work with are ok, a couple are not - so this is pretty much no different than anywhere. The stress part is making me question if this is the right fit for me. I don't know that changing jobs would actually make things less stressful as I know I've been in lower paid jobs with less responsibility that have been immensely stressful due to the working conditions and bosses that I've had.

Here's my set up. I work a very easy 10km commute by car from my work. There is little traffic to get to work and free parking. I work days (Mon - Fri) and there is some flexibility around my start time as long as I am there no later than 8:30am. I usually work until at least 6pm and usually more like 7pm. I don't take breaks and usually eat lunch in front of my computer. I have multiple distractions and can count on a significant crisis needing immediate attention at least once a week (usually more often). I am expected to take call for one week in every four and I do not receive compensation for this call. I usually get called a few times during this week and sometimes it will mean going into work for a few hours - usually at unsocial times. Even when not on call I may work 16 hour+ days if something goes wrong - and around 10 hours on a normal day. I do not get paid overtime. I get along well with the people with whom I work but it's fair to say that the workload distribution is not even nor is the skill set within management.

My spouse also works days in a job and very very rarely has to stay late or work away. My kids go to school around the corner from where I work and the school is exceptional. My daughter is extremely happy here and is quite involved in a number of activities at which she excels. My son is involved in less but also happy. We have a modest house that is comfortable - we don't really need any more. If we really NEED or even really WANTED something we could find a way to afford it. We don't really care too much about THINGS like cars, fancy houses, stereo systems, adult toys, gaming systems etc. We do like to travel together and manage to take a couple of small trips a year.

I live in the north as you can probably tell by my handle. It's beautiful up here - I would like a couple more months of spring or fall or summer if I were to be perfectly honest but the other benefits here make up for the longer winters. The winters here by the way are warmer than the midwest or Canadian prairies.

Is it possible that this is "as good as it gets"? Should we just be happy in settling? We've never done that before. We've always moved around after a few years in search of something better. Have we now found "better'?

Help me get out of my head.

nonasuch — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 10:35:52 -0800

My brain/body balance is way off. How do I fix it? I'm not what you would call a very physical person. I live in my head; my body is the thing I have to feed that takes me to the bookstore. Because of this, I'm acutely uncomfortable with tasks that call for agility, balance, or any kind of physical confidence. Things like dancing, or any sports, or, well, physical intimacy. I just get stiff, self-conscious and awkward when I try to do these things. I'm not even good at hugging!

Right now, the only way to loosen up when I'm going to do something physical (in the case of dancing, or kissing, or karaoke-- not sports) is to have a drink or two. This seems like a suboptimal solution.

What are some things I can do to get more comfortable in my body? Keep in mind that I embarrass easily, so I would prefer they not be things I have to do in front of a large group. Also, I have a low tolerance for new-agey language. Oh, and I'm terribly inflexible physically-- can't even touch my toes.

How not to people-please your way to relationship angst

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 10:08:29 -0800

How do those who tend to people-please stay honest with their feelings and needs in romantic relationships? I want to avoid becoming overwhelmed and disoriented after about half a year or so, which seems to happen again and again. I feel like the desire to be loved and to 'do good' and 'be good' has, historically and currently, overshadowed my sense of appreciation for the person who I'm with. I fear that I select people to date who do not move or challenge me in the sense that 'I am enamored with everything this person is and must build a connection with them,' but rather, respond mostly to the feeling of being liked and appreciated by someone else. I'm not trying to knock the people that I love and have loved -- I always find myself surprised by the beauty of people, and what we can share in a relationship. I just fear the foundation of romantic love (in the sense that I have practiced and understood it) comes from an unbalanced place -- I often feel like 'if I lost this relationship, that'd be okay -- but it'd be devastating for this other person, so I should keep at it.' I hate creating imbalances of power, but I guess that's what I do; I'm always the one to break things off.

I don't like this. It seems pointless at best, destructive and self-defeating at worst. I end up being plagued by guilt, a sense of failing others, all of this junk. Shame. For what it's worth, my mom has a very strong people-pleasing streak in her; I'm also a child of an alcoholic household with emotional abuse and codependency stuff that went on.

I'd like to hear from others who have been down in these mental-trenches of doubt, and simultaneously committed to being good and loving another and ashamed of the shallowness and one-sidedness of that love, in a sense. Should I get out of my head and be grateful for what I have and concentrate more on gratitude and the beauty of others? Should I be harder on myself and only consider relationships that truly move me and challenge me? Am I protecting myself too much?

I feel the earth move under my feet: should I see a doctor now?

slidell — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 13:02:56 -0800

Do I need to go to the doctor because of a few moments of intense vertigo? I mean, is it an early sign of a brain tumor? Or is it a symptom of something that's going to go away on its own? Anyone have comments on the seriousness of balance loss as a symptom? I have an appointment later today, and I'd rather cancel it because work is busy. That said, I actually have two friends-of-friends who got diagnosed with brain tumors, so I'm not screwing around with weird symptoms.

The basic symptom is vertigo. There have been three distinct moments, each time when I was walking and turning my head. The first time, I thought it may have been an earthquake. It was that kind of "whoa, what was that? did the earth just move?" sensation. It wasn't like the earth was spinning; it was more like the floor moved or like the elevator unexpectedly dropped nine inches. It was very real for a split second, and then ended. Beyond that, I've had a little dizziness and light-headedness. Beyond that, I'm basically healthy. (I might be getting a cold? Throat a little scratchy? Co-worker had a major cough last week? Minor headache that is unusual for me, but which I attribute to fighting off that cough. No numbess, difficulty moving, vision or hearing loss.)

The doctor on call said "balance is an inner ear thing. It could be a drop of water in your ear that got all the way in there, or some sort of inner ear virus. It could come and go the rest of your life, or it could be a one-time thing." He laughed off my fear that it was a brain tumor caused by my years of frequent cell phone use.

Then I came home and googled cell phone brain tumor symptoms, and the first few results include this article which says:

Researchers at the Department of Oncology, University Hospital in Sweden reviewed sixteen published studies that looked at cell phone use and the rate of brain cancers. They concluded that: "For both acoustic neuroma and glioma (two types of brain cancer), overall risk was increased in the whole group...."

Acoustic neuromas, also called schwannomas, are a non-cancerous tumor that develops on the nerve that connects the ear to the brain. The tumor usually grows slowly. As it grows, it presses against the nerves responsible for hearing and balance. Radiosurgery is usually the standard treatment.

I am the anxious type, but I don't have a history of hypochondria. I've seen the doctor maybe two times in the last two years? I didn't go looking for this article by googling "balance vertigo cell phone tumor." I just tried to find out what are the symptoms of tumors, particularly of the tumors related to unsafe cell phone use.

But I'd be happy to learn it's likely nothing, in which case I want to cancel this appointment. If this is likely nothing, I don't want to leave work today. If it may be something serious, particularly something that will only be detectable now before it goes back into a symptom-free state somehow, I want to catch that thing early (or rule it out). If I go in and they take my blood pressure, laugh at my worst-case scenario, say "oh it's probably nothing, call us in two weeks if it keeps happening," and send me home, I'm going to be really annoyed that I didn't just wait and call them in two weeks.

So, does anyone have enough knowledge about this topic to advise me about whether I should go? And if I do go and they just laugh off the idea that it's worth investigating, is there something I could do or say to encourage them to actually consider the possibilities that made it worth the trip?

I know all advice comes with the disclaimer that YANMD and that this is the internet.

Be still, Aztek, be still!

galadriel — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 16:46:23 -0800

My sister's new-to-her 2003 Aztek shudders sometimes. The Aztek shudders in the first drive of the day when accelerating from a stop. It also shudders, now, at speeds between 60 and 80 mph.

The transmission fluid and filter were changed. A faulty speed sensor was replaced. What else should she look for? What can she look at herself, before taking it to a mechanic? She's on an out-of-town trip and would like the car to be more drivable on the way home.

Thanks!

Does Splitting Your Monthly Payment into Two Save, And If So, How Much?

WCityMike — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 12:13:27 -0800

A website I came across recommended paying half your minimum payment on a credit card every two weeks (instead of one monthly payment) in order to reduce your average daily balance. Does this work, and what kind of savings would this yield? The relevant paragraph:

Divide credit card minimum payments in half and pay that amount twice a month. Interest is calculated based on the average daily balance of your account for the entire month. By making a payment every couple weeks you are reducing that average balance and therefore reducing the finance charges assessed, as opposed to waiting until the end of the month to make a single payment. As an added benefit, splitting your payment into two separate payments helps smooth out the monthly budget as you will not have to come up with an entire payment once during the month, rather half that amount twice during the month (aim for around the time you receive your paycheck).

If you want specific figures to work with, let's say $3,000 at 20%, minimum monthly of $90. These are plucked from the air and not mine, so use better ones if you need to ...