Do We Still Say “Are You Sitting Down?”

dreamphone — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:08:55 -0800

Hypothetically (but earnestly): How do you deliver really bad news? (Please don’t read/reply to this question if the fact of remembering giving or getting Really Bad News is too upsetting for you today.) How do you deliver really bad news? This is a question that, although hypothetical and arguably morbid, is likely to have an application in my life sooner or later. I’m talking along the lines of a sudden, unexpected life-threatening incident or accident, possibly resulting in death.

As a hypothetical scenario, say a member of my husband’s immediate family dies unexpectedly while my husband is at work. For expediency, I would want to call him immediately, but for sensitivity, I would want to be there with him. Would it be better to call his boss or a close co-worker that so they could tell him in person? Is it always better to get that news in person?

If it’s okay to tell someone on the phone, how would you phrase something like that? (An idea I had is that I would call and say matter-of-factly, “I have bad news about [person’s name],” which would give him time to orient himself to the type of call this is. I’d give a general detail about the type of issue that happened and then follow-up quickly with the current state of their health. “He was in a very serious car accident about an hour ago and the doctors are not sure if he’s going to make it.”)

(Another note on the context of this question: A few months ago, I received terribly sad news about a friend over the phone. Although it was entirely appropriate for the news to be delivered that way, for several days afterward I kept re-hearing the person’s voice on the phone telling me the news, and it seems like it was a kind of “mini-trauma” for me to get the news that way. Perhaps such a shock is unavoidable—after all, terrible news is terrible news, and is going to leave the hearer changed thereafter.)

I’m apologize if reading and considering my question causes anyone sadness. I’ve hesitated posting this question for months for that reason, but I finally chose to go ahead because I believe that helpful replies could help ease a difficult time for someone, sometime. Thank you in advance for your replies.

Bad news - can anything make the wait any easier?

MadMage — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:01:45 -0800

Hints on easing the wait for bad news. With complications, and a story about my cat. My cat Livingstone was hit by a car yesterday. At least, that's what the vet thinks. What I know is that instead of bounding up like his playful furry self, demanding pats and food when I got home from work about 5:30pm, he was hiding out in his safe place (under our bed).

About 7pm he came out into the loungeroom, where I was watching TV, and vomited twice on the carpet. I cleaned it up, and moved him to a comfy spot. He stayed there a while, without moving, washing or doing much of anything, and then went back under the bed. There was no sign of any physical injury.

This morning he was still very lethargic. He'd moved twice during the night, but not more than 3 feet from our bed. During the night he also made a few whining/gurgling noises which were slightly unusual. I got up and patted him, but he didn't respond very much.

I was really worried that he had eaten something poisonous, and took him to the vet as soon as it opened (8am). The vet thought that was probably right, took obs, and said that he looked really sick (pale, low core temperature, depressed breathing) and would start him on maintenance immediately and call me back.

When he did, about 10:00am, he told me that he hadn't eaten anything, but that he'd suffered a severe impact (probably been hit by a car), had a large inguinal hernia, and was very unstable. He said he would almost certainly need surgical repair, but couldn't tell me exactly what until he had opened him up to see what damage had been done - and that there was no prospect of doing that today, given his condition, because the surgery would kill him.

He's going to call me back this afternoon in a few hours to tell me whether Livingstone is stable enough to be operated upon.

I'm going out of my mind while I wait to know whether he will live or die.

I understand that he is probably suffering from (at least) hemorrhagic shock. I understand that there's no way to know, at this point, whether he's going to make it.

I'm extremely familiar with the symptoms of anxiety, because I've had chronic anxiety for years. I've been on Lexapro for about two years now, and have some Xanax for controlling panic attacks (long term panic disorder). I can feel myself trying *really* hard to panic, and equally feel myself reflexively shutting it down. It's getting harder and harder to do.

I've also lost a much-loved cat before in the same way, and that flattened me for a good four months while I dealt with the concomitant grief and depression.

I know I have to wait. I know I've done everything I can for Livingstone. I know that grief and pathological depression / anxiety/ panic are not the same. I know that if it's really bad, I'll have to go back and see my doctor again.

Does anyone have any advice on easing the burden of waiting? Similarly, if he doesn't make it, can anyone suggest ways I could start preparing myself to deal with that, that might help ease the pain?

I'm not out of control. But I know what's down there, and I don't want to go down there again.

Any advice appreciated.

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Do We Still Say “Are You Sitting Down?”

Bad news - can anything make the wait any easier?