Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with babies

To spawn or not to spawn?

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 07:38:56 -0800

I am entering my mid-thirties and nearing crises stage about whether or not have children. Please tell me about your experiences to help me think this through. My whole life I assumed that me having kids was inevitable. There was no question in my mind that I would want them, be great at it, find meaning in it etc. When I met my husband he felt the same way. We would talk about it and have those, "When we have kids we'll do X" kind of conversation.

Now that we're both getting to the age where we should really start, we just can't make the decision to actually do it. We have a harder time talking about it, we're not sure we can handle it, we're worried about/afraid of the reality of it.

We're concerned about how it will affect our lives (sleep, I need it to be a happy person--no, really I *need* it; we would hate to go back to the financial place where we have to count every penny; we don't live near family; neither of us have much experience with babies; etc.) We keep waiting to feel ready and that moment never comes.

And yet we both intrinsically want the experience of raising children. We both feel we would be great parents, we think the kids we raise together would be AWESOME, we can't really picture our lives without them.

Utlimately I think the part I'm afraid of is having a baby, not having kids per se. We got a puppy and although she was very cute when she was young and I loved her, I didn't start liking her until she was about 5 months old and was more than a little need machine. I feel like I'm overthinking this and spinning my wheels. I'm definitely not asking anyone to make this decision for me (!), I just need to get out of my head a little.

Have you or someone you know gone through a similar debate? What happened? Do you have advice about how I should approach this decision?

How often do people change their minds about starting a family?

lilyflower — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:39:23 -0800

How often do people change their minds about starting a family? I have heard a lot of anecdotal evidence that people in their twenties say that they don't want to have children, and then reach their thirties and start a family. I have also heard many people saying to those who are ambivalent about children that "they will change their minds."

I would really like to find out if there have been any studies which have tracked people’s opinions on whether they "do want kids" or "do not want kids" and how those opinions may change over the years.

Does anyone know of any studies that have been done which asked people this sort of question?

I would also be interested in stats which consider people changing their mind due to meeting “the one”, men who get convinced by their female partners because now she definitely wants to have a child, and women who change their minds and put it down to “baby fever” or their "biological clock." I am particularly interested in studies which determine what proportion of people who say they don't want kids remain childfree.

I have read lots of threads on AskMefi about people being unsure and asking for advice, people who have answered included those who have become parents and say that they made a good decision, as do those who have remained childfree. Although anecdotes might suggest that "you'll change you're mind" most of the time, without having some idea of the change rate from statistical analysis I am less inclined to accept the premise as one size fits all.

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

No medicine for babies?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:41:53 -0800

I'm expecting a baby in a few months and have questions about medicating infants and toddlers. I always thought you give babies motrin when they're teething really badly, baby allegra when they have sinus infections, etc. However, all my friends seem to either be dead-set against baby Motrin or use it very, very sparingly. What's the cause for alarm? To be clear, I'm not going to give my baby dramamine when he won't sleep, and I know not to give him Benadryl and cough medicines until he's much older. But I got lunch with my friend who has a teething toddler yesterday, and the kid was clearly miserable--grouchy, drooling, gnawing on everything, biting her fingers, and apparently hadn't slept for more than two hours in two days because her eye teeth (the most painful teeth to appear) were coming in. I asked my friend if Motrin helped and she acted like I'd advised administering arsenic. She said she never gives her baby any pain medication for teething. Another friend has a baby with a severe sinus infection that puts her at risk of an ear infection. The pediatrician gave the mother an Rx for baby allegra for the congestion and then advised her to mix up some amoxicillin if the baby started running a fever. When I checked up the next day, the friend's baby was indeed running a fever, so the mother had given her amoxicillin but not allegra, even though the congestion got worse. The doctor hadn't advised her to stop the allegra dosage either, but my friend felt uncomfortable giving both meds.

This might be too wordy, but I guess I'm just curious about my friends' aversion to baby meds. Will giving a baby Motrin for teething mess up his ability to handle pain later? I'm someone who eats fistfuls of Tylenol when I have a headache and am a big fan of Western medicine (maybe because my mom gave me too much Motrin when I was little ? :) so I'm interested to know why other parents are squeamish about meds that ease teething pain or congestion.

Of course, I'll ask my pediatrician about this when I see her next, but clearly , but I wanted to ask a forum of people who are not my well-meaning but highly judgmental friends, in case they report me to child services!

Turn, baby, turn

littlerobothead — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:13:29 -0800

Unless we can turn the baby over, Mrs. Littlerobothead is going to have a c-section on the 23rd. Although c-sections are perfectly normal—and we will be just fine if it happens—we'd really like to try and get her to turn. What are your tried-and-true, sure-fire ways to get a turn to happen? We've already done the ECV and the chiropractor with no luck, which puts us squarely in the realm of "try it, it can't hurt". Any ideas or stories, even ones about not turning? This is our first, and we'd love to not have to go through surgery to get her onto the earth.

Extra bonus backstory: she turned once, and then turned back again. She must be comfy. We'll be swimming tomorrow, with some headstands for good measure. Our little family thanks you for any suggestions!

We're pregnant; what do we do now?

drleary — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:57:03 -0800

Simple (hahaha) question; We just found out that we're pregnant this morning, what do we need to do now? Just this morning, we found out that we're pregnant (!), what do we need to do now? Prenatal vitamins, doctors appointments... what else? What did you do? I've read several lists that I've found on Google of what to buy and whatnot, but nothing about order to do things and what's MOST important.

I'm not talking about things to buy, specifically (although that's fine to include in your answer), but things to DO. Thank you so much, and wish me luck with my first!

Because tranquilizer darts aren't an option.

zoomorphic — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:05:01 -0800

How do I minimize a toddler's separation anxiety and preserve her mother's hurt feelings? I regularly watch a 1 year-old who went from a placid, mellow baby who never cared who held her to a strong-willed, emotional toddler who gets hysterical when I leave. This got worse now that the mother is in between freelancing jobs and is around the house much more, as the toddler is confused by having us both around and constantly thinks I'm going to leave. This is typical 1 year-old behavior that simply caught us by surprise, but it's especially awkward every evening when the kid has an ear-splitting meltdown as soon as I put on my coat. The mother, someone whom I also consider my friend as well as an employer, is being a good sport about it, but I can tell it really hurts her feelings. The freak-outs have escalated to the point that the toddler cries so hard she throws up and the mother calls to see if I can come back. I think this is a bad idea that will reinforce the efficacy of freaking out. Am I being too rigid?

Slipping out when she was distracted was a terrible idea, as it apparently led to a worse-than-usual freak out. We tried to make a ritual of walking down the stairs (her favorite activity) so she can see me off, but then she just freaks out in the apartment lobby when I go. As parents, how did you deal with separation anxieties in babies who aren't really receptive to reasoning? Any books you personally recommend for separation anxiety? Tricks for getting out the door with minimum wailing?

I'm also looking for anything to say so the mother doesn't feel so rejected. She's a great mother, funny and inventive, so it's not like the tantrums bespeak a scary Lifetime Movies secret of neglect and abuse. I'm usually the person to whom she voices all of her maternal insecurities, and now I'm a source of more anxiety. I don't want to say anything insincere that makes it look like I feel sorry for her or am just trying to let her save face. So what can I say that diminishes the situation without embarrassing her and/or straining our professional relationship?

John Jacob Jingleheimer something something...

zardoz — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:41:39 -0800

What do you sing to your kids? My six-month-old is thrilled with pretty much any song I sing to him, but "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider" gets kinda old after the 500th repetition... My wife and I like to sing to the kid as it's something that almost always makes him smile and laugh and he never seems to tire of it. I've noticed, though, that most children's songs are really, really short. Many are just 4 or 5 lines long, so it takes only a minute or so to sing....so I go to the next short song, and the next and the next...I need some suggestions on a kids' song (bonus points if you name something that's already in my subconscious head!) that can be sung that actually last a decent while. Any ideas?

Not the Good China - Tableware for Toddlers

otherwordlyglow — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:56:39 -0800

I'm interested in a nice set of tableware for our 15-month old. I got our daughter this set from Sugar Booger (oh, how I hate that name) and it comes with a covered bowl, a fork, and a spoon. But now I realize that as it's melamine, it can't be microwaved and that's a deal-breaker for me these days. So back it goes to the store. As corny as it sounds, I'd like to find something cute that can hopefully be a keepsake too. We have the feeding spoon my MIL used for my husband and it's a really nice memento that I don't think the Take and Toss stuff we have can really live up to. We have a lot of stuff that's obviously already usable for her meals but I'd like to find something that is:

Hard to break, if not totally indestructible
Non-toxic
Has a bowl with a suction cup on the bottom for stability
Probably comes with utensils but I'm not super concerned about that. I did like the fork that the SB set came with as the tines were pointy but not super pointy.
Is somewhat attractive/worthy of keeping as a baby memento

That's about it. I've looked at these Boon bowls and while they're okay, they don't totally do it for me and I don't particularly like the fork/spoon set that you can get from them.

I need more sleep!

hollyanderbody — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 12:10:39 -0800

breastfeeding/weaning/ general baby care filter: I need more advice.....(sorry, its gonna be long) I have a 6 1/2 month old who up until recently was entirely breastfed. After my 12 week maternity leave, he went to the baby sitter who bottle fed him breast milk, which I express at work. Well, it seems his consumption has surpassed my production, and the sitter now mixes formula with it. (she's up to 75% formula, 25% breastmilk). At home we only nurse, including three times at night. There have been a couple of occasions when the babysitter was off, and baby stayed home with Dad, who then did the bottle feeding. Dad reports that baby would only accept the bottle after a long period of fussy objection.
We have tried to have Dad respond to the night-time wakings with a bottle, but it hasn't worked. Baby's screams escalate, and I cave and go nurse. We have attempted a bottle before bed from Dad, but that resulted in Baby fussing and crying then just going to sleep.
We have attempted to introduce solids, but baby doesn't really go for it; we put some in his mouth, and his reaction is confusion, indifference or outrage. Sometimes some food gets into his belly, which is followed by fewer or no night-time wakings (this could be coincidental, its happened too few times to determine if there's a causal relationship)
In the evenings and on weekends, he ususally wants a boob much of the time. My sense is that he is always hungry, never really getting a full belly, but it could be a comfort/boredom issue. Yesterday we were out and about, in new settings visiting friends, and he was content for over two hours without nursing (only once).
At the 6 mo check-up, the pediatrician had no concerns about his weight.
I read old askme questions, and they all seem to pertain to older babies, who still nurse at 2 years old. I wish I were a stay-at-home mom, but I must work, and I'm getting really sick of pumping at work. I love nursing , but I can't take doing it three times a night. The sleep deprivation is also getting to me. So I guess here it is:

I wish I could nurse during the day, then before bed, tank him up with some stick to his ribs formula. Then, I'd love it if during the night, Dad could respond to some of the night-time wakings with a bottle.

Is this possible? Our (old school-ish) pediatrician suggested that it would be too hard, baby will resist, and that it will probably have to be one or the other, that I'll have to just cut of the boob (figuratively).

Also should I be worried that he doesn't go for pureed food yet?

Thanks MeFites

New baby, new etiquette

xo — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 07:53:34 -0800

New baby, new etiquette: A couple with a new baby (< 6 months) receive a wedding invitation addressed only to the couple. Is baby presumed invited (portable lapsitter)? Is baby presumed not invited (potentially noisy)? Is it variable (call and ask)? Furthermore, suppose baby is definitely not invited to a particular wedding -- do the bride and groom typically expect the invited couple to attend (having arranged a babysitter), or is it a courtesy invitation, knowing that baby may be too young to leave yet?

Also, when it comes to businesses and restaurants, are strollers typically welcome (and the parent will be told, or there'll be a sign, when not)? Or are they typically not welcome and the parent should ask permission to enter with one?

Taming a treacherous staircase

Bardolph — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:25:36 -0800

Our new house has a steep steep staircase. What are some ways I can make this feature safer for my family, and especially for our soon-to-be-toddling baby? So the new house we purchased has what I'd call a very steep hardwood staircase-- steep enough to have caused several wobbly near-misses in the move-in period alone. I feel especially nervous climbing or descending when I'm carrying my four-month-old, since she's getting wriggly enough that I usually need to use both arms to hold her, leaving no way to hang onto the banister. It's less that the individual steps are high, than that they're shallow-- not enough room for the whole shoe to fit on each one, so you have to watch the balls of your feet for placement all the time.

I'm wondering what can be done about this, since we'll have to navigate this stair 10+ times/day for the next few years, eventually with a still heavier and wrigglier baby, and then with a toddler/small child who may not always follow our instructions to take the steps carefully, slowly and backwards. At a minimum, I'll be putting a large and cushy carpet over the tile floor currently at the bottom of the stairs. But other options I've considered so far are:

1. Do nothing, since maybe we'll get used to the stair mechanics after a few weeks of climbing them?

2. Carpet the whole thing, with lots of padding-- would probably make falls likelier due to slipperiness of carpet, but they might be less damaging when they occurred.

3. Skip the carpet, coat the treads in that sandpapery nonslip stuff-- would make falls less likely, but not less dangerous when they occurred.

4. Save up for some sort of big remodel-- perhaps changing to higher-but-wider steps? Or adding a right-angled section and a landing? I don't know how expensive, or how feasible this sort of thing might be.

I'd love to hear any additional suggestions, or advice on executing any of the options above (particularly #4). Thanks!

How do I try embryo adoption as a single woman?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 11:37:37 -0800

I'm single and interested in embryo adoption as an alternative to domestic adoption. Family history plays a possible, small part but I mostly would like a baby soon. How do I approach clinics at my age and in my situation in order to use a service typically reserved for couples with actual fertility problems? I'm afraid I'll be seen as in a hurry and selfish. How do I stop feeling guilty for wanting to try in the first place? If it does happen, how do I prepare myself and my family emotionally, psychologically, financially and however else for this situation? I have been told that PCOS/endometriosis runs deep in the family to the point where hysterectomies and surgeries are mentioned/have even been performed in a few instances. I'm nervous about it but have not personally had anything fully confirmed. If anything my symptoms are closer to those of endometriosis. I'm planning to have Dr visits and tests done again soon.

I would like to try for a baby later next year whether I have a problem there or not. I'm still planning to start the domestic adoption process if this doesn't go through. I feel like I'll be ready for a baby then. I'm completely young I know (23) but I will be settled in my own home before starting the embryo process and will own my car. I have a stable job and the ability to save monthly. I do not see myself getting married any time soon but can see myself as a stable mother. I will not be going into debt for this procedure. I know things could change before then but with the waiting periods for a single mom, I would like to have my mind made up fairly early on.

I would like to know how to approach clinics and doctors with the hopes of becoming a single mom through a treatment generally reserved for infertile couples if there is no real issue with my body? I'm afraid that I'm coming off as selfish. Also, is there a message board for single women who have done this either through necessity or not? Lastly, how do I prepare for the toll this could take on us and also the subsequent pregnancy if all goes well?
Thank you.
daybyday@rocketmail.com

Best way to track five kids.

bchaplin — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:29:30 -0800

One large family get-together, two three-story houses, two swimming pools, and five babies between the ages of one and three. What technical solutions would help us track all the kids...? Summer vacation at the beach for one week. One LARGE family get-together, two three-story houses, two swimming pools, and seven kids (five between the ages of one and three). All ambulatory. Of course we will have plenty of observant parents, baby gates, pool gates, and other safeguards. But still, I wonder if there is some additional solution that would help us guard against any panics involving missing kids.

As an aunt of one of them, I think of walkie talkies, geotagging, and the Brickhouse Child locator I've seen advertised on TV. I don't know which solutions would work with multiple kids, that are also reasonably priced (since this is only needed for the week). We will have a pretty strong wireless connection, an AT&T signal, lots of iPhones, and laptops.

Because the kids don't have well-developed verbal skills at this point, they are too young to protest any indignity we foist on them. The techie side of me thinks it would be fun to be able to outfit them with wristbands and see their locations in real-time...

Suggestions welcome.

Will our babies be affected by their mother's weak immune system?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 11:15:57 -0800

My wife's mother did not breastfeed her; she was fed formula until she was weaned. There was no medical reason for this fact. It was a matter of convenience for my mother-in-law. My wife has a pretty weak immune system; she will tend to get whatever is going around. I cannot help but think that this is due, at least partially, to the fact that she never ingested her mother's colostrum. How will this affect our (future) children? Will they similarly be affected, even if my wife breastfeeds them? If so, is there anything we can do to mitigate the issue?

Will he change his mind?

annabkr — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:14:11 -0800

Do men change their minds about having children? I'm 46, my fiance is 31. We've been together 3 1/2 years, and are ridiculously happy together. I have 2 children (ages 25 and 23), and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have any more, if the Norplant and the IUD stay where they're supposed to. Plus, you know, 46. Healthy, but still 46.

We've talked about this a lot, and every other month or so I ask him again: are you sure you don't want to have kids? He always says yes, he's sure, no kids.

But I was reading the recent thread about women suddenly getting baby-mania, and it freaked me out a little. I guess I understand why women might suddenly change their minds - hormones and whatever. So, does this happen to men too?

Men, have you suddenly changed your mind about having children after being sure that you don't want them? What happened? Women, have you been in a childfree relationship where your SO suddenly changed his mind? What did you do? Is it a dealbreaker?

Just so we're clear, I'm looking for reassurance that we're not going to be faced with a huge crisis (well, this particular crisis) in 5 or 10 years. Occasionally I imagine my menopausal self being dumped for a fertile 20 year old, which I know could happen anyway. But I'm hoping not.

Thanks for your advice, even if you can't reassure me!

Is it safe for my baby to sleep in a dog crate?

otherwordlyglow — Sat, 23 May 2009 09:34:22 -0800

Is a large port-a-crate a good idea for a portable bed for our 11-month old human baby? My husband believes that he has come up with a brilliant idea for a place to have our daughter sleep when we go away for the weekend soon. We have a barely used large port-a-crate (36"L x 24"W x 27"H) that is meant for a large dog and he thinks it's a great idea for this purpose. It's this model. I'm not all that into the idea, mostly because, well, the crate is designed for dogs not people but I can't come up with too many other reasons why this is a bad idea. It's soft-sided with a tubular metal frame that snaps together, not unlike a playpen. Perhaps I'm just over-reacting? We also have this Peapod Travel bed, which I think is totally fine and easier to transport but husband thinks it's not as sturdy and the baby can't stand up in it without knocking it over. We have the crate set up with a comfy blanket and some toys in our living room right now and she seems to like playing in it. I know that cribs and baby toys have some very specific regulations for safety that obviously a dog crate would not have to meet but I'm not sure what they are. What are the perils that I'm overlooking?

Multimedia Baby Publishing

TrashyRambo — Sat, 16 May 2009 05:27:04 -0800

What's the best way to share short posts, videos and photos of our new baby with our families and friends who live an ocean away? Baby's own account on Facebook? Our own accounts on Facebook? Flickr? Poorly put together Geocities page? What's worked for you?

How to Alleviate Separation Anxiety in Twin Toddlers?

zarq — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 07:38:53 -0800

Any suggestions for separation anxiety in twin toddlers? My wife and I went to Dallas (from NY) with our 14-month old twins last week. I returned home with my son on Monday morning and she will return with our daughter on Friday evening. This is the first time the kids have been separated for more than an hour or two at a time.

Since Monday evening, they've both been heartbroken and inconsolable. They constantly look for each other, whine, cry and want to be held and cuddled. They aren't sleeping or eating well, either. It's as if they're grieving. We feel like the worst parents in the world.

I realize that they only have two days left, and the best possible advice might be to simply let them go through whatever they need to. But I'd like to try to comfort them and attempt to alleviate their sadness and loneliness if possible.

Can anyone suggest ways we can possibly do this?

We've been trying to keep them distracted with toys, books and videos. But that doesn't help their sleeping and feeding situation.

Friends have been suggesting dosing them with medication (Benadryl, Baby Motrin, etc.,) and/or taking them into our bed(s), but frankly, I'm not thrilled with either idea. The kids have never slept in our bed and I'm concerned about establishing a behavioral precedent. Dosing them just seems wrong, somehow. At this point, I think we would be willing to do either or both if necessary, if we really felt it would help.

Can I rap a baby rhyme?

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:31:41 -0800

I work in a library. We have storytime and baby's rhymes for toddlers and infants. Unfortunately I hate singing. But I have a good attitude and I'm willing to get in there. Please, librarians and parents everywhere - what are your best rhymes/songs that require a minimum of singing!? Other ideas for interactive things to add to my storytimes would be good too! Things like "This little piggy went to market", "2 little dicky birds sitting on the wall", or even the game "Simon Says" are good. I think I can pull off enthusiasm if it's more like talking/straight rhyming, than full on singing.

(Anonymous because I don't want colleagues knowing I'm scared about this!)

What can I buy my friend who is having twins?

cymru_j — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 06:22:37 -0800

My friend is having twins. What can I buy her that would be very practical (yet not completely generic or impersonal)? My friend who lives out of state is due with twin boys in a couple of months, and I'd like to order something to make her post-delivery life a little easier. Do you know of any services that will ship prepared foods?

Another thought: she'll obviously need unimaginable quantities of baby care supplies and diapers. She did got a mother lode of stuff at her shower, but that just scratches the surface of all that's going to need. Would giving her an Amazon gift certificate be too impersonal? She and her partner are not particularly strapped for cash, and I'm not a huge fan of gift certificates generally, but I could probably be talked into the idea.

I'm leaning toward the food idea, since it's something she can use immediately, and it seems like a friendlier gesture. But I'd be interested to hear what you all think. Thanks, guys.

Dealing with Reflux in Infants

Nanukthedog — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 15:14:46 -0800

How can we help our 4 month old son feel more comfortable while bottle feeding if he does indeed have GER? Bonus question: how long might it last? (more info inside) According to the pediatritian, my 4 month old son may be exhibiting some signs of GER, and this is a great amount of stress to both my wife and I. While he has never been a spitter, and he is mostly fine with the rice cereal and oatmeal, for the past two weeks bottle feeding has become more of a challenge. He cries, he arches his back, and he refueses to drink during his day feedings only (night feedings so far have been ok - knock on wood).

Right now we're planning on seeing the pediatrician again on Monday (he went last monday for his 4-month) about this, but given that we have to go the next 36 hours until we can get him some help, some advice and/or experienced tips would be helpful.

Protective, loving dogs and vulnerable, little babies

bjork24 — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 09:40:04 -0800

Our dog of six years is very loving and smart, but he's also overly protective and skiddish. What kind of problems will this create if my wife and I decide to have a baby? Has anyone had experience introducing newborns to over-protective pups? Our dog is a dobie / shepherd mix, and extremely protective around strangers (when they're on his turf). He's never bitten anyone, nor has he tried to attack; his M.O. is to bark and growl and try to herd my wife and I. He eventually calms down once he realizes the strangers mean no harm, but he's still jumpy while they're in the house (e.g. he'll jump up and bark at them if they stand up too quickly). stop barking at them, but once he gets us

Around us, however, when we're alone, he's completely relaxed, snuggly, and affectionate. My question is how he might act if we bring a baby home one day. I assume he'll be okay with it, since he'll be seeing it everyday, and eventually come to protect it like he does my wife and I. Even still, I'm wondering if anyone has first-hand experience with a similar situation. If so, I'd love to hear how the dog handled the transition, and if the protective behavior ever posed a problem around a newborn.

Thanks!

Am I changing my mind or wasting his time?

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:16:52 -0800

My partner wants kids, but I've always been opposed to the idea. He's making me question that, though. How do I know if it's a real change of heart? I have said since I was a teenager that I didn't want kids. Helping care for a sibling and years of babysitting grounded the idea but there's been plenty of social science research on happiness that made me feel comfortable with my choice. It has made relationships challenging in the past, but I've never been with someone who made me question my commitment to no kids and early retirement with my life partner.

Enter the new boyfriend. He wants children. He knows I don't. (I presented my position to him as being based in part on a pathological fear of pregnancy and childbirth, which is totally true: don't let your daughters watch Alien at a young age, folks.) We've been dating for a few months, and for the first time I find myself thinking that our kids would be pretty awesome. This has never, ever been the case with previous guys, even those I was with for years, or who I would have sacrificed almost anything for. At this point the idea of raising kids no longer sounds bad, and actually a little cool, although I still get squeamish a little about the birth stuff and frightened myself with the avidity with which I read a recent article about surrogates.

This sudden 180 is freaking me out. All those fatuous jerks who told me I would change my mind ... were they right? Or is this just a passing thing? Some things that might be affecting my judgment:

1. I'm a woman in my late twenties.

2. He would be a great father. Part of my reluctance relates to a lack of confidence in my own ability to parent, and many of my prior partners had personality problems (anger management issues, for example) that I would never want to inflict on a child. No worries about that here.

3. Our kids would have a good chance of being gorgeous and brilliant, which wouldn't have been the case with some previous partners. (Children in general: Still not appealing.)

Am I just in the grip of "I want to have his baybeez" infatuation in a way that never reared its head before? Is my biological clock trying to run the show? Most of the reasons not to have kids are still valid (expense, invasiveness of pregnancy, etc.). I think I could be perfectly happy if I never have kids. But what if I could be happy with them? How can you tell a genuine conversion from hormone intoxication?

How do I keep smokey mits off my baby?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:18:53 -0800

I have a newly born baby and need to stop smokers asking to hold the baby(without taking pre-cautions) without causing offense. How can I do this without being rude or hurting my very loving friends who don't know anything about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome? I've been invited to a party where I'll be introducing our third and last baby to many of our friends who haven't met the baby yet. Our first child was a S.I.D.S. baby who fortunately had his first episode in hospital so came home on a S.I.D.S. monitor and heart stimulant medication- which has made us very anxious about our subsequent children.

Our friends may or may not remember about this so it's probably going to be a new conversation for at least a few of them. No-one will be smoking near the baby but at least two of the women are very motherly and very heavy smokers. One of them, "Belinda", had resumed smoking when our middle child was an infant (I didn't know) and held our middle child even though she had received the email from my husband telling everyone about the birth and that smokers should change their clothes before holding the baby. Belinda's a very dear friend and has terminal cancer, I love her like a sister so it wasn't my place to chastise her, but I was furious and distressed back then and didn't say anything because she didn't tell me until some time later even though I smelled it on her clothes. I thought it was just because her car had residual smell from when she was previously a smoker.

So I know the risk is small, but considering our oldest child, this is not something I'm prepared to negotiate on. I want to ask the smokers to wash their hands and don some kind of over-cloth before holding our baby. I have no vocabulary for doing this gently, lovingly and without sounding like a neurotic b!tch.

Another complicating factor is that "Belinda" has two small grandchildren and her own daughter did not restrict her holding her babies or ask her to use a cloth. She may have asked "Belinda" to wash her hands, I'm not sure.

I did requisition a hospital gown which I could take to the party but I figure this would draw enormous amounts of attention to them and alienate them or me or both and cause offense. I don't want to upset anyone but I don't want to expose my baby to the toxins in their clothes and on their hands. Nor do I want to suggest that they would willfully endanger any baby which I worry I am tacitly doing by drawing attention to this.

My husband will not be there so it's not like I can say to him "Hold the baby and don't let go". I'll have our two year old also, so it's going to be impossible to not hand the baby over. And not going is also not an option as I have to face them some time, they're our dear friends and it's a friends birthday. And I do want them to hold our baby.

So help me Hive Mind. I'm not an American and not in America if this makes a difference. I'm also not very good at being up-front in this kind of situation. I usually am about other things, just not this kind of thing.

Raw fish for my baby?

lottie — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:44:27 -0800

When is it OK to feed my baby sashimi? What is the youngest age can babies or toddlers safely eat sushi or sashimi? I know my child isn't allergic to fish or crustacea, so that isn't a consideration. All my Googling around seemed to turn up was panicky information about why babies shouldn't eat it at a young age because of allergy concerns, or why they shouldn't eat it at all because of mercury levels in the fish. Given that I don't plan on giving my baby sashimi all that often, I would really love the straight dope - when is it safe to give my child (freshest, top quality) raw fish and shellfish? If anyone lives in Japan or grew up in Japan, I would love to know when you were first fed raw fish.*

Also... if I'm not pushing the question too far, what about rare meat such as beef? It kind of breaks my heart to cook a piece of beef to death for safety reasons.

*My reason for asking: From my observation of kids from, say, India or Latin American cultures often enjoy eating spicy foods at a really young age when consensus among early childhood folk I've met here in Australia seems to be that it's a really bad idea, and that kids "won't like it". We feed our child a tiny amount of chili or pepper from time to time, which he seems OK with.