Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with awkwardness

Friend who makes other uncomfortable: to mention it or no?

FlyByDay — Sun, 12 May 2013 11:28:26 -0800

I have a friend who often says embarrassing things she's not aware are embarrassing. I've said nothing. Should I? This is someone I've been friends with for years. She's smart (has a masters) and is a 5th grade teacher (this may be part of the problem) and she loves her job. She often says things in public that are sort of cringe-worthy, without having any knowledge that they are. As we often are meeting for dinner, this most often happens at restaurants (that I observe). And the servers (or whoever she's talking to) are visibly uncomfortable, but never say anything of course, because their jobs are about service, and the things she says aren't offensive per se.

Example:

server: you can get broccoli, asparagus or fries
her: well, I don't want my pee to smell!
server: what?
her: asparagus makes your pee smell, and I hate that.
server: (looks creeped out but says nothing)

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Example:

When someone will ask her if she wants something that she doesn't like, she will make a face as if she's just smelled the WORST THING EVER, and say, "no, ew, I HATE mayonnaise!" rather than just saying no.

Though I am not the avoiding-conflict type, this has never seemed like something that was really my business to bring up, but I can often see the people she's interacting with look confused, or annoyed, or creeped out. When I've brought her together with other friends of mine, some have commented on this.

This may be because she spends most of her time with 5th graders, but these things just seem like gaps in courtesy/social tone-deafness when she's dealing with adults.

I'm happy to (continue to) keep my damn mouth shut, but I also wonder: would YOU say something? Would it benefit her in any way to mention it?

You're doing it wrong.

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 13:22:41 -0800

I make websites. I have an old client whose new vendor is, to be blunt, not a competent web designer and not a developer at all. She has been coming to me for help, and it's putting me in quite an awkward situation. How can I remove myself at all gracefully? While I was out of my area for a couple of years, an old client hired a new designer to redesign the website I built for them with WordPress in 2006.

A year ago, this designer came to me with questions that suggested she had no business building a website for anyone. I suggested at the time that perhaps she would like to design the look and feel, and I could write the front-end code. She wasn't into it.

In the intervening year, the few contacts I had with her simply reinforced my initial impression. Here was a person who did not have the skills or interests to adequately do the job she'd been hired to do. I've tried to be as helpful as I could. I've certainly felt helpless.

We are closing in on launch, and the final product of a year's worth of efforts is, in a word, awful. I personally think the visual design is underwhelming, but my subjective view there is irrelevant. Not in the realm of opinion though, is the sloppy, hackish, inefficient, and ugly code sitting under the surface. It pains me.

Now I am being asked for help again – this time to take the monstrosity live. I definitely won't do it, but I feel the need to justify, to this designer and to my old client, why I refuse to be involved.

My feelings are no doubt colored by disappointment that my work is being retired. Were it being replaced by something as good or better however, I would have no problem. But it is being replaced by something terrible and broken.

I care about this profession, and I definitely resent that there are so many people out there doing it poorly. It's depressing that most small website owners can't tell the difference between good work and bad. My own work is surely not perfect, but I go to great lengths to stay current and understand what I'm doing – including what I'm doing wrong.

I want to yell at this designer for ripping off my old client, people I care about, and for learning on their dime without apparently learning anything. I want to run to the client and warn them about the shoddy product they're being sold. The whole thing makes me sad and angry, and want to behave like a sad, angry person.

But I'm a grown-up, and I still have to live and do business in this small world.

I'm just having a hard time figuring out the grown-up thing to do.

Ideas?

Talking: How does it work?

Gee, June! — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 13:39:37 -0800

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about three months, and just about everything is great. We see each other almost every day and sleep at each other's houses so often we practically live together. We have everything in common, and I've never met anyone I click with that much. One thing we have in common that's not so great, though: we're both shy, and sometimes we don't know what to say to each other! How can we overcome this? And, while we're on the subject, what are some good conversation starters? More info below. This problem comes up most often at meals when we're forced to face each other. Other times - like cuddling on the couch or lying around in bed - we find no end of things to talk about! But when we're at a restaurant, I get nervous all of a sudden, and my mind goes blank. We've actually talked about this - he has the exact same problem. And even though he knows this is a mutual issue, he still sometimes worries that I'm quiet and fidgeting awkwardly because I don't want to be there. I can't really blame him. I have the same worries, and we both know that we like each other a lot and those worries are silly. Sure, we could try to be content to just enjoy each other's company silently, but we don't really want that. I, for one, would like to be able to maintain a conversation with my handsome fella! What can I do? What are some good conversation starting topics for someone you *do* actually know?

Incidentally: we're both in our thirties and fairly experienced in relationships. I think, in both our cases, all our exes did most of the talking. Heh.

How can I encourage more open communication with people?

randomnity — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 10:04:50 -0800

Help with encouraging communication early in a relationship? As someone who is both introverted and shy, and who tends to be slow to trust people with my uncensored opinions (especially feelings), how can I counteract this tendency when dating people? Or even with new potential friends, for that matter.

I would like to get to the point where I can comfortably initiate conversations about things like sex preferences, relationship needs, things that are personally important to me, things that are bothering me, etc. I will typically answer these honestly when asked directly, but that rarely happens, and I'd like to get to the point where I can just bring up these deeper topics without that fear of being judged or causing awkwardness. I know that this improves as you get to know each other better, but I'd like to accelerate the process and make sure it doesn't stall, since it's particularly difficult for me. I'm not worried about going overboard and over-sharing, since I'm so far on the opposite side and I have the social skills to recognize which topics I should and shouldn't be discussing (I think, anyway!)...it's the actual initiating discussion part where I get stalled.

I know it's possible because I've had one relationship (now friendship) and another friendship where we have that connection, but I was never able to get there in my last (>3 year) relationship despite significant efforts on my part (none on his). A relevant difference may be that the "communicative" relationships began as close friends whereas the "non-communicative" one began as a hookup. Ignoring whether it's a good idea to start relationships as a hookup (please) do you have any tips for promoting more open communication with new people, especially when the other person is quiet as well and conversation is still a bit awkward? General mindset kinds of tips are good but concrete suggestions and examples would be even better!

help me make a party a little fun at least

buck:fuller — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 23:22:39 -0800

I'm throwing a (potentially awkward) party for about 20 people in my apartment. Mostly couples. Need advice. My apartment is not so big so 20 people will feel a bit crowded. Most of the couples know each other, some don't and at least two hate each other's guts. The only thing these couples have in common is that they know me. What can I encourage beyond eating and drinking to help ease the awkwardness and help people get on chatting and mingling?
I have a beamer in the living room. Should I beam something? a movie? music videos? ideas are welcome.
I will serve cocktail food and there will be beer and a cocktail station where my husband will mix drinks.
I thought of some board game, but I don't know (my husband hates parties where games are organized by the hosts) what could be appropriate and less awkward.
If you've recently been to a party and there was something great that "made" the party, please let me know.

Normally the awkwardness is part of my charm

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 08:01:57 -0800

How do I minimize awkwardness when I see a couple I stopped being friends with because, in part, I found myself falling very hard for one of them? I'm super honest all the time, very blunt and straightforward. I've always believed that it's best to put things out on the table so nobody's feeling left out and we can all proceed with respect. When I'm attracted to someone, I tell them pretty quickly, and when I'm not liking someone even as a friend, I try to maintain civility but I don't spend time with them if I can at all help it.

I've been friends with a girl, let's call her Zelda, since highschool. A big part of our friendship was based on how she'd appreciate my honesty and ability to be so straightforward about stuff. We've spent years apart during college and after but then we both moved to the same city a few years ago at about the same time. She's smart and sweet and hardworking and deserving of every good thing she has, but at this point we have very little in common. That's fine, and we've talked about how we both consider each other more on the level of family than friends. We started spending less and less time with each other.

Part of why we stopped spending time with each other was also her boyfriend. Let's call him Bart. Bart's also smart and sweet and hardworking, young and earnest and enthusiastic, and he and I have a lot more in common superficially than Zelda and I, as far as mutual interests go. I immediately took a shine to him, and encouraged Zelda to get closer to him. She would confide in me about Bart, all the various "oh my god, I have a boyfriend, what do I DO??" things that girly friends do. Zelda knows me as the friend she can talk to about sex stuff, too, so I know a lot about Bart in the bedroom. The more she talked to me about him, the more I'd catch myself thinking about how I would be more compatible with him than she is.

I felt really guilty, and to mitigate that I was pretty honest with Zelda, about how I really was crushing on Bart pretty bad, and that I never had any intention of doing anything about it, but wow, I just think she's so lucky to find a guy like him. Zelda is MUCH less blunt than I am. She's generally honest but to use MeFi terminology she's a "guesser" not an "asker" like me. I'm never quite sure if I've upset her or not. Her response to my telling her that I was fancying her boyfriend was something like "haha, well you can't have him!" in a cheerful tone.

As far as I know, Bart has moved in with Zelda and they've lived together for almost a year now. They're happy and in love and working hard to have a good life together. Like I said, I consider Zelda family, maybe like a first cousin, and I would never want to do anything to make her or Bart uncomfortable or sad.

But I haven't talked to either of them since shortly after they moved in together. Zelda extended invitations to some of their casual parties to me, but she knows I'm kind of a recluse and didn't expect me to show up. I didn't.

I don't regret not seeing them for so long. I just don't enjoy my time with them, not really. It feels like spending obligatory "visiting" time with weird aunts and uncles - like I HAVE to be there, not that I actually have any fun doing it. Even when we're doing something we both love!

But this coming weekend is a big event in our city that I know Bart will be attending, and Zelda will probably be there, too. I'm going, and the chances of me running into the two of them is really high.

As far as they know, I stopped spending time with the two of them because our schedules were really hard to find time when we were both free. That's a really fragile lie, because everyone knows I'm not busy at all and if we really wanted to hang out we absolutely could. The real reason was that my simple crush and admiration of Bart was rapidly turning into a fullblown thing for him. I felt extraordinarily awkward around the two of them, and even worse around Bart, because the whole time I would just want to flirt with him. There are smaller reasons - Zelda and I had a weird fight/culture clash about something but we both apologized and called it even, I'm jealous of her drive and dedication and success, she told me that whenever I tried to teach her a skill I had that she admired she would feel awful and useless... Just basic "we've fallen out of friendship" stuff. But it's the boyfriend thing that clinched it for me. I don't know how I feel about Bart now because I haven't seen him in so long, but considering my past history it will all come back right away. I'm single (if that matters) and have had fleeting crushes on other people since, but nothing to the extent I felt about Bart.

How do I handle seeing them? They're going to say the typical "oh wow I haven't seen you forever! What have you been up to??" and I'm going to have to use every cell in my body to hold myself back from blurting "Well, I've been deliberately avoiding you both because I want to marry your boyfriend, who at this point is probably your fiancee!"

What on earth can I say instead? Help me form a nice, believable, few lines? What do normal, polite, not blunt people do in this situation? I feel like by continuing the farce of "oh, we're just so busy!" I'm disrespecting Bart and Zelda. They're not going to pry, because they're both not like that, but they're both smart enough to know that it's a lie. And they both know I almost never lie, so they'll be worried. I don't want to lie to them but I know that this is a situation where I can't tell the truth. How do I act? I want to be friendly with them when I see them, but I'm going to want to run away. This is just such a stupidly juvenile kind of situation and I have no clue how to handle it. Please share your wisdom!

Help me network a little less awkwardly (what to do with my ham hands?)

SpicyMustard — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 08:36:04 -0800

I am in between jobs, just moved to a new market and have been advised my alma mater's career counselor to set up coffee dates with alums who are working at places that I am targeting. How can I go about doing this in a way that balances networking etiquette and making the most out of these meetings? I just moved to DC with my fiancee and luckily there are several alumni from my school where I did my master's. However, due to the nature of last position (in another state), my network has stagnated, so I need to meet people who are working in my field. The point of entry is our shared school and/or department and the means is usually linkedin.

I am trying to figure out a way to approach these meetings (particularly with those people I've never met) in a way that is not aggressively job-seeking, but is still effective at creating a good impression for future opportunities.

My idea thus far is to invite them for coffee, introduce myself, my work/career interests, ask them questions about themselves (people like talking about themselves, right?) and then gently probe for advice on cracking into places that never seem to hire through formal channels.

Does that sound right? Those who are frequently approached--what would you advise? Those who consider yourselves talented at this, could you share some tips?

Thanks!

why can't I keep a job?

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 20:15:42 -0800

I keep getting fired from jobs, and I think my poor social skills play a major role. I don't know how to change this pattern. I recently graduated from college and I'm struggling to find and keep a minimum wage job so I can support myself while I intern in the career of my choice and study to apply for graduate school. I'm a bit older than most recent grads, in my late twenties.

I have a pattern of getting fired from minimum wage jobs and even when I'm able to hold onto one, I often get bad vibes from my supervisor. I haven't been able to figure out what it is, because I work like crazy. After speaking to a number of people who know me, the only thing I can point to is that my social awkwardness and lack of confidence make people assume I'm incompetent even if I'm actually doing fine work.

Here is a recent example. I spent months trying to find a job working part time at a cafe. I got a number of interviews but only one of them turned into a job (as a barista) and the person who hired me expressed misgivings about my slight shyness during the interview.

I put my all into the job and I really thought I was doing fine (I only made a couple of minor mistakes that I can think of during the training), so I was pretty shocked when they fired me a few days after I started. They told me I never really found my "comfort zone." I think the problem is I seem to come off as really anxious. It's true that I do feel nervous when I'm starting a new job, but this isn't something I know how to control. I also think something about my body language amplifies whatever I'm feeling, because even when I feel relatively calm people will give me the cold shoulder. Basically I don't know what it is that I'm doing but people get weird vibes from me and either don't like me or assume I'm incompetent or both. It doesn't help that I'm not great at small talk. This has been a life long struggle. I have a lot of difficulty making friends as well, although the friends I have made seem to really value me once they see past the surface.

I worry that if I can't even hold down a minimum wage job I"ll never be able to advance in a career. I wish it was just a matter of working harder, but I already *do* work to the max and that doesn't seem to help.

Any insight or advice about how to solve this problem?

What's a good mindset/approach for developing a workout routine?

whymog — Mon, 21 May 2012 17:28:47 -0800

I'm in okay shape, but fitness and athleticism don't come naturally to me at all. Gyms are weird and stressful. Any advice on the best way to think about and develop a good workout routine? A little background: I'm all about eating well and drinking lots of water, but fitness is kind of a mystery to me.

I was always embarrassingly bad at sports as a kid. That, coupled with generally just being an anxious/awkward dude, has kind of scared me away from any sort of group exercise.

I briefly got into a running routine about a year and a half ago (thanks, Couch to 5k) and got to where I was running 3-5 miles a few times per week, but I moved and started a new job and fell out of that routine. I'd like to pick it back up but I know running's only a piece of the puzzle. I should probably also get over my anxiety and join a gym but I don't think I've lifted weights in a decade, and frankly, I'm not even sure I'd know which ones to go with.

Just to clarify, I'm not asking for a specific workout plan. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on the best way to figure out what sort of exercise makes sense for an individual, where the best resources are for planning a workout routine, and so on.

I'm fully aware that I need to get over my fear of making an ass of myself and accept it as inevitable, but I'd be seriously grateful for a little guidance on the education/planning side.

Why am I such a poor conversationalist, and how to improve?

windykites — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 20:17:44 -0800

Why do I repeat myself instead of explaining or describing what I mean in real-life conversation? When people have acknowledged my statement, why do I keep going with it at all, much less repeat almost the exact same phrasing? Why do I have so much trouble maintaining continuity in a topic? I am a dreadful conversationalist- this must be really irritating to others, but half the time I don't even realize that I'm doing it. How can I stop? When I'm online, I can explain myself or expand on what I am saying. But in real life, I don't seem to be capable of doing that; instead I act like Jacob Two-Two. I'm pretty socially awkward and this is just one component of that. I often don't feel comfortable contributing to a conversation, and when I do contribute, I do a pretty poor job; I don't always explain how I got from one point to another, and forget components of my story or explanation that are really important for everyone else to understand. When I get really involved in something that I'm saying, I tend to exaggerate instead of speaking accurately. And, of course, the repetition thing. I can talk to people online and in letters; how do I learn to articulate and converse well in real life?

By the way, I've done a search for this topic and couldn't find anything that specifically addressed the topic of unintentionally repeating oneself.

Meeting new people: I feel like some (women) see me as a child

Lotsofcoffee — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 14:31:12 -0800

Meeting a new person; why do I get so frustrated So, my dad just found himself a new girlfriend, and we're out eating everyone (my girlfriend as well) together. I liked her, she seemed nice. But I sometimes just felt that she didn't like me or she thought I was a bit weird. I had that feeling four times or so during the evening, and she mostly avoided speaking to me, speaking mostly to my gf or dad. I noticed this thing initially when we met, and I was smiling and perhaps a tiny bit nervous, but to me, I just acted normal in the circumstances - I noticed she gave me this glance I recognized, and I felt like she saw me as a child; or I'm thinking she thinks that "ah he's very childish he's like an insecure or frightened child", as if she would know or say. As if she recognized something like that in me instantly; that's how I saw that look.

And I've tried that before, mostly with women actually. I feel like they give me this look, like they suddenly see I'm a sensitive or perhaps a bit nervous guy (though I don't really act that nervous); or it's like they become afraid of how I am, or as if they see something about me that makes them a bit awkward. And I'm just being myself, me! I've asked friends about this, but they don't really know what I mean.

What can this be? Can it just be something I'm projecting on others? I feel like I can be seen through totally when I get that glance or look, as if I'm sending out a nervousness or insecurity fragrance or something.

I don't know what it is that I'm doing, perhaps I'm not doing anything at all and it was just because she was a bit unsure of me. But I get this feel a lot. And she didn't speak to me much during the evening. A bit, but mostly not to me. It's also like people notice this in me when I'm in situations where I feel insecure or a bit nervous - it's like even though I act normal and make jokes or conversation and relax, I'm forced into this role. As if there's something I do that triggers it - and every single time I feel like I've lost something afterwards - as if I've been "figured out" or as if I'm back to step one. It can destroy days for me afterwards and I've tried periods where I felt more and more like this with everyone, triggered from one or two situations. As if I'm definately different or weird compared to most others, and I can't find back to the place where I feel like I'm on the same social level as others. It's so weird....

Anyone have any idea?

How To Handle A Stressful Snowflake Situation With Class

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 07:49:13 -0800

How does one deal with constantly being told that they've done something wrong to another person? So, I'm the same anonymous poster who wrote this question over a month ago. Unlike what I initially feared, I have not been fired, and for a while I actually felt a little better now that my secret was out.

For a while now, my supervisor and I have decided that it would be best to tell other people in the workplace about my Asperger's, and we've been going back and forth about the best way to do it. A few days ago, she called me into her office and told me that she had talked to some people and had come up with a plan that she felt would work. She would first talk to the person herself privately and give them a packet of information about Asperger's. She would then pull me in and the person would then tell me what exactly it was that made them feel uncomfortable or whatever, and then we could all talk about it.

During this meeting, she told me that more or less every day, someone had come to her with a "communication issue" about me. She said that the day before, someone had told her that I was "confrontational and aggressive." Like before, I had no idea where any of this came from, seeing as how no one has told me about any of this, and like before, I became a total wreck and wound up crying in my supervisor's office.

Her plan sounds like a very good idea in theory for everyone involved--I mean, it's better than a group meeting or just giving everyone a packet of information and them not knowing what to do with it--but in practice I'm not sure how I can do it. If I'm going to cry in her office when it's just her and me, then how am I supposed to handle it several times over, at least, and probably in one day, when the person who actually has these concerns is in the room, and I can't cry, since that would make them feel even more uncomfortable? And chances are, my office crush will likely be one of the people who will need to talk to me about how I made him feel awkward and uncomfortable. I already feel guilty for liking him, and having to talk to him about his concerns will be more than I can bear. The stress would be too much--so much so, that even though a plan isn't set up yet, I'm half-tempted to take some time off or conveniently "get sick" around that time.

It's also a little frustrating that people are even having these concerns, since at my previous positions this never happened. However, at my current job I have a desk in an open office plan, and at my last position, I had a cubicle with very high partitions. That, plus experiences in college, what I've read in this book (highly recommended), and the fact that I'm starting to really get tired and stressed out by having to concentrate with people always passing by my desk and having to block out conversations (another thing my supervisor claimed was that people said I was eavesdropping on their conversations--what I neglected to say was that it's a little hard not to do so if said conversation is taking place near you and you're trying to work), leads me to believe that I should maybe try to find and move to an unused office, or at least move somewhere where there's a little more privacy and a little less distraction. I find that this may even help some of my Asperginess subside--it tends to come out more when I'm stressed by what's around me, even if I don't know it or acknowledge it at first.

But to get back to the main point: while having to confront these people isn't so much criticism as it is helping me cope with situations and learning from them, I can't seem to realize that. Every time someone says I'm making them feel uncomfortable, I just cry and then want to go somewhere and hide. I just can't seem to take it normally the way others can. The comments in the last question were encouraging, but I still feel like a bad person, and I'm afraid it will never go away, especially not in time for the discussions with my co-workers. I just don't know how I'm going to cope. I am working with my therapist, but I'm afraid it could take literally years to find the root of it and get rid of it. I'm looking for any short term strategies I can try, or anything else I can keep in mind while I'm sitting across from my co-workers as they condemn the way I looked at them that one day in July or whatever. Anything would be much appreciated.

Oh, so THIS is why they say not to mix money and friendship....

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 19:16:01 -0800

How should I deal with a friend who owes me money and is (apparently) avoiding contact? I recently made a decent-sized loan to a friend who was in a fairly urgent financial bind. He needed X amount, which he said he could pay back in three months (which I still feel confident is true). I told him that I could lend him 80% of X for that time, and could spot him the remaining 20% as well, but I would need that bit back much sooner. He offered to repay it the following week, which I said was fine.

He then called me, on time, to set up the repayment of the smaller amount. I knew I'd be seeing him soon, and said that it was no problem if he just wanted to get it to me the following week. We did get together then, but there were other people around and there wasn't much of an opportunity to discuss it.

I now haven't had any contact from him, and two more weeks have passed. I've sent him one message that didn't specifically mention the money, but that I hoped would generate a response (and indicate that I'm not seething mad, if it helped). He has not responded. I know that he's been traveling during part of this time, and is now mired in hurricane prep, fwiw.

My suspicion is that he is having a more difficult time coming up with the money than he'd thought and is ashamed about it. I'm torn between (A) feeling disrespected as a friend, both that he'd fail to keep his promise, but also that he hasn't shown the courage to just TELL ME (and apologize!) that he can't make the payment yet... and (B) wanting to be generous with a friend in need, not just financially, but emotionally. Forgiving, and kind.

It turns out that I am okay without the short-term repayment, but of course there's no way that he would know that, and honestly, it kind of hurts. Also, I realize that this whole he-can't-and-is-ashamed explanation is just one possible scenario of what's happening here. I recognize that it's possible that he's a jerk and is coldly taking advantage of me. I doubt it, but I know some version of that could be at play.

Should I just sit tight until he initiates contact with me? Should I try to re-establish a friendly connection without any mention of the loan? Should I be gracious and simply volunteer an "oh, by the way, I know we haven't had a chance to follow up on this, but it's cool if you just want to pay me back the whole X in three months?" Or should I be aggressive even if it risks pushing him further away? I'm sure there are other approaches that I'm not thinking of, too.

I feel very comfortable having a heart-to-heart with him about this once we've gotten over this apparent impasse, and definitely getting the overall repayment terms in writing, it just feels like there needs to be a baby step first to get us back into a functional, communicating relationship.

I'd be happy to provide any additional context but tried to keep this to the nub of the issue. Thank you in advance.

What should a weird person like me talk about with stylists?

smirkyfodder — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 14:48:16 -0800

How can I stop being weird while getting my hair cut so that I don't have to be so embarrassed by my awkward conversations and not want to ever, ever go back? I can't think of anything to talk about with stylists when getting my hair cut. They ask me a question, I answer, they're silent, then I become a blushing machine. Usually, I just feel like they're trying to be nice but I sort of feel like asking me what I did this summer is such a boring, fake conversation starter. I know they're just trying to do their job and I don't have anything against them. I'm fully aware that it's me who has the problem.

This has caused me to salon hop quite a bit to avoid having to be around the stylist who had to endure my weirdness. Unfortunately (well, not really), I found a person who just cut my really well and I'd like to go back. But I think I totally weirded her out so I'm sort of nervous to make another appointment in the future.

So, can anyone offer me advice on what to talk about with a stylist? Maybe some questions that would be less fake feeling or could lead to a more interesting conversation? Or is there anyway to let a stylist know you really don't want to talk without making them feel bad?

How should I handle this somewhat awkward dating situation?

freem — Sun, 23 May 2010 18:33:15 -0800

How should I handle this somewhat awkward dating situation? I'm currently dating a few different ladies, via online dating. I had my second date last night with A, which went really well. We had our first kiss at the end of the night, and I left feeling really good. This afternoon, I had my second date with G, and while in a grocery store unfortunately ran into A. I was even wearing the same outfit I had worn the previous night, ha! A and I said hi to each other, but she quickly moved on, as she seemed to realize what was going on.

How should I handle this? Should I acknowledge this the next time I talk to A, or just let it pass? Really, we've only been on two dates, and I'm not at all feeling like I did anything wrong. But I do really like A, and don't want her thinking that I don't.

My plan was to text A tomorrow, and ask for her email, so I could send her some music we had talked about. But now I kind of want to text tonight, just to acknowledge the awkward situation that happened today. Or is texting in this situation now gauche? Should I call, instead? What do you think, folks?

Everyone involved is late 20/early 30s, if it matters. Thanks in advance!

How do you handle dealing with customers who make you uncomfortable -- when you were hired to be friendly and available/approachable?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:29:04 -0800

How do you handle dealing with customers who make you uncomfortable -- when you were hired to be friendly and available/approachable . . . and maybe for your looks, too? I was recently hired as a barista at a well-known chain of coffee shops. Although I grew up an ugly duckling, my looks now are unusual/striking (although I don't see it, I'm told I'm attractive, and I get some modeling work). My type is especially favored by the demographic of the neighborhood where I live and now work. (For comparison, imagine I'm a six-foot redheaded white girl working in a US city's Chinatown.) After I was hired, coworkers told me that the manager based his decision partially on my "rare" looks. It's been a long time since anyone got hired at this location, especially without any experience, and all applications are now being turned down, so obviously there was some reason an exception was made for me -- that could be true.

Baristas are also chosen to be especially friendly and sociable, which I did know. I didn't expect to have difficulty with that, since I'm a pretty friendly and welcoming person, but I also didn't realize what it would be like to work with the general public. Even in high school, I only had white-collar office jobs. I don't mind this job -- the duties are mostly interesting and the coworkers are a lot of fun. In this economy, I'm okay with scrubbing toilets. But I just don't have any experience with dealing with the general public face to face, so I don't know what to do.

There are a lot of men who treat me in a way I'm not comfortable with. No customers have made lewd, explicit comments the way some men do on the street, but I still feel uncomfortable with the way some male customers interact with me. I'm not sure I can complain, though, since this is basically what I was hired for, apparently. Tips have increased 125% since I started working full-time, so the manager and coworkers are all happy (all tips go into a communal pot, then at the end of the week it's divided equally based on hours worked). I'm the one who feels not so happy, awkward and unsure of myself. If I were okay with profiting off my looks at the expense of my comfort, I could be making a lot more money doing sex work, but I consciously decided against that.

There are some customers who just look too much at my body or who treat me differently/uncomfortably. But those encounters are brief (usually just seconds while ordering or while I make their coffee) so I can deal with those if I have to. Anyway, I don't think it would be realistic to try to stamp out things like "good morning, beautiful" or "my drink tastes better when it's made with your smile." I feel like those should be totally fine with me if I had the coping skills I should have learned as a young teenager, but I was very, very unattractive until I was 20. So I feel like that discomfort is my fault and something I should learn to ignore.

However, the biggest issue feels different, and even if I had grown up attractive, even if I knew how to handle myself, I think it would still be problematic. There are a few eccentric older men who have made this coffee shop their hangout spot. I'll choose one, "Gary," as an example. He's older, retired, and spends almost all day here (from late morning until we close at midnight). At least once per shift, he'll come up to me and strike up a long conversation. This is while I'm trying to do other things (sweep, restock, clean) -- but I can't use that as an excuse since my #1 job duty is to be welcoming and accessible. Gary has also started bringing me gifts, which was fine when it was little things like Lindt truffles, but over the course of two weeks, it's progressed to DVDs (of a 3-hour interview he wants me to watch so we can discuss). Apparently Gary has given little things to girls in the past, but coworkers are remarking how much he likes me especially. All his gifts are presented with speeches about qualities he's projecting onto me. He's a little socially awkward and he seems like a dead-on "Nice Guy," so I'm scared about what he might expect, or feel he deserves, in exchange.

I don't feel physically threatened, I think. I'm a little concerned because he always stays until we close at midnight, and it would be easy for him to follow me the 2 or 3 deserted blocks back to my apartment. Mostly, though, I just feel like his behavior is inappropriate and making me uncomfortable, and I don't know how to avoid it.

I'm afraid to approach the manager because I don't want to be perceived as a complainer, not a team worker, or someone who's ignoring their main job duty. (I'm also a little concerned about the manager's impartiality if he did hire me based on my looks.) I can't be politely dismissive or brusque with Gary, or "too busy" to talk to him, for the same reasons -- being friendly is basically my top task. I can't blame company policy to turn down his gifts, since other girls always accept/have accepted them. I'm not sure what else I can do. To work, I wear loose black polo and pants, a loose green apron, my long hair tied back into a severe bun under a baseball cap, glasses rather than contacts, and no makeup at all. In general I want to appear not attractive, and especially not looking for validation or feedback based on my looks.

I'm also changing my behavior. Occasionally I would play around, dancing with the mop or humming along with a song, and I think this playful or fun nature also contributed to my hiring. Now I stop myself from doing that because I want to seem businesslike and I don't want to give Gary anything else to talk about, or a chance to see anything more personal about me. I'm also reluctant to be friendlier with other customers or with coworkers, in case Gary sees that and comments (to me or to my manager) that I'm not being equally genuine and open with him. So I feel that Gary, and the other guys like him, are having a significant effect on my confidence and my behavior, but that still isn't a solution -- in fact the issue is still escalating.

I sincerely appreciate any possible advice, since I have no idea what to do -- I just can't quit. In this economy I'm very lucky to have gotten even a job as a barista (full-time, with benefits!). I realize I'm kind of stuck in a corner here, which is why I'm coming to AskMe, so "just put up with it so you can pay the rent" may be the best suggestion there is, which is fine. Thank you guys so much.

So I guess we're not friends huh?

ask me please — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:04:57 -0800

I met a new 'friend' (acquaintance) on a course I took recently. He sort-of invited himself to come and stay with me for a week in Paris. I figured that he was mostly coming to see Paris but also to hang out with me, but he's made himself completely scarce since arriving and I'm not sure how to deal. I have this houseguest here for a week and it seems like I'm not going to see him at all, and I'm starting to feel a bit rejected. Should I address it with him?

There's so much to see and do in Paris, and I've lived here for years and love to show people around. But this guy has sidestepped all my invitations (I've barely seen him since he arrived). Should I address it with him? Or just let it go and not mention it?

It's really doing a number on my self esteem, as it's not that nice to have someone staying with you who doesn't seem to even want to eat together, but I wonder if I should just let it go for the week and not say anything? If I do say anything, how should I bring it up?

Problems with sex

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 18:53:30 -0800

I'm worried about my new-ish sex life with my boyfriend. Please help me figure out if everything is alright, and if it isn't what I can do. I'll preface this question by first stating that this is all very new! We've had intercourse about 20 times, so pretty much we are just starting out.

I was a virgin (age 25) before we had sex for the first time about a month ago and he has had about six partners (age 30) in his entire life.

When we first started doing sex-type stuff (handjobs) he couldn't orgasm, but after some working through stuff he was able to come. When we first attempted to have intercourse a month ago we had some serious problems with my hymen.I took a good three weeks before we could have intercourse without serious pain for me.

Things were great for like a week, and now just recently, the last time we tried, he had problems maintaining his erection and we just gave up.

It seems like sex is an uphill battle. I feel really discouraged and don't know what to do. How can I be supportive when feel so angry and discouraged myself?

The closest sex therapist is a three hour drive away and charges $150 per hour, so we can't afford that now.

Is it normal to have these many problems? I'm really worried that he will continue to have problems maintaining his erection and that it will devolve into some sort of negative feedback loop that destroys our relationship.

Help: My life is a rut but I feel too sad to get out

Hina — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 07:30:33 -0800

Lost my current life and all of my friends: how can I let go and move forward? It all started last autumn, when my best friend returned from taking a break from school. I didn't mind much that she was spending less time with me. She was simply making new friends. Then she told me that she had abruptly broken up with her boyfriend to start dating... my long-time secret infatuation. Because I had never revealed this directly to anyone, I could not express the grief that I felt. They broke up abruptly though, concluding with my friend quitting school entirely. I was left very upset by this and have not seen both of them since.

I am 23; I recently changed my major so my school friends are all graduating this Spring, and are all currently in love, too busy with degree projects or their greater social lives to make time for hanging out.

Most recently, I found someone that I really wanted to get to know but he disappeared before I got up the courage to make the first conversation.

I try to think clearly and realize that I haven't one person I can confide with or spend time with regularly. People don't usually warm up to me, and because I had almost no friends for 5 years up until college, I am socially out-of-practice. These recent losses feel that much more momentous for me.

I was advised into take a semester off and quite frankly, it isn't relaxing at all, since I spend more time alone than ever. I'm compensating by taking extracurricular classes and attending public gatherings, but I pretty much encounter the same group of people from school or those outside of my age group. The experience of trying to find a job was a dismal one.

So recently, I have been taking bus trips out of town just to walk around and to think, or not think, because I end up crying sometimes. I feel unmotivated and I know that next semester will be challenging with me moving into a difficult living situation in a city I dislike, in a school I am taking forever graduating in with much younger peers. In the back of my mind, I feel inclined to take off and start my life over somewhere far away, so that I won't be constantly reminded of this place and the people I loved and have lost.

What should I do?

How do I turn a one-night stand into more?

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:29:25 -0800

How do you turn a particularly enjoyable one-night stand into something more? Lots of overanalysis and fairly NSFW details inside. Background details: I am female, straight, and in my early 20s.

A few nights ago, a close friend of mine had a few people over for drinks. One of them is someone I've met on multiple occasions. I'd call this guy a close acquaintance, but not a friend, since we don't see each other outside of social situations involving our mutual friend. We've always had things to talk about, though, and we flirted pretty egregiously at a party last year, but nothing came of it because I was seeing someone. I really enjoy talking to this guy, and it seems he enjoys my company as well. We have a lot of common ground, and tend to settle into an easy banter.

Aaaaanyway. So we're at our friend's apartment, and the booze is flowing pretty freely. At some point this guy and I make a toast to rough sex, though now I'm not certain how that particular subject came up. Oops. Someone pops a movie in, and all of a sudden we're holding hands (which has never been a part of any drunken hookups I had hitherto experienced, so I mention it here fwiw).

Long story short, we go back to his place and proceed to have the roughest, most violent sex of my life. I'm talking slapping, punching, biting, the works. I've been hit during sex before, and knew I enjoyed being submissive, but I've never reciprocated the beat-down before. It was more wrestling than sex, and it was awesome.

We exchanged numbers in the morning, and he kissed me thoroughly when I left. I would really, really like to see him again, but don't really know the protocol for turning a one-night stand into a more. Do I just come clean and say, "Listen, I still have bruises and would like more, plzkthnx?" or should I suggest something more along the lines of an actual date? I would not be adverse to a real date, since he's a pretty cool guy, but I have no idea how well that would go over. Should I take the fact that he's made no further overtures save responding to one of my texts as a sign? Should I wait a couple of days and see what transpires? Guys, when you have one-night stands, do you allow for the possibility of more? Should I just chill the fuck out and write it off as a learning experience?

explain to me this... mojo.

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 09:55:29 -0800

Please explain the basic principles of flirting to me as if I were an alien who had recently landed on Earth trying to describe the phenomenon for my anthropological records or something. Because advice that seems to make sense to everyone else on such matters is completely lost on me (e.g. "be confident" -- but how?).

I'm a 24-year-old straight male, living in new york city, I'm successful, bright, reasonably attractive, and I have scads of friends, but my romantic history is laughably abbreviated.

I don't know how to read non-verbal communication, I don't know what to say (or, indeed, what not to say) to a girl to indicate I'm interested, nor how to steer a conversation towards a situation that might lead to make-outs. Or at least a phone number.

It is impossible to dumb down your explanation too much. Really.

Touchy, touchy!

coppermoss — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:47:01 -0800

I feel like I might be a closeted touchy-feely person. When I don't get frequent hugs/cuddles/human contact, I definitely feel the loss. Yet I find myself almost completely unable to initiate friendly contact with people unless we're intimately accquainted. How do I go about avoiding feeling physically isolated? Longer explanation, examples, etc. inside. So, I'm recently single. My previous relationship was full of hugs and cuddles and lots and lots of physical contact, so I never craved touch. Prior to that, I was in an arts high school, where hugs were the standard greeting, and would often occur for no other reason than to express appreciation for something said in idle conversation. At the very beginning of college, before I met the ex, I felt very isolated and strange, and now it's happening again.

My roommate and I don't have a physical relationship, save the occasional hug when disaster strikes. His hugs barely qualify as such, since they're so flimsy. My best friend who is a good hugger is in Europe for the quarter. I'm making a bunch of new friends, and would like to make these relationships similarly touchy to the ones I had in high school, but run into some problems: I find myself almost entirely unable to initiate physical contact, and since all of these new friends are men, I don't want to give the wrong impression.

How do I fix this? How do I make touching people (and I'm talking anywhere from a high five to a hug) as unawkward as possible? I'm not looking to become one of those people who have no respect for others' personal space, but I'd like to do something to keep myself from feeling so isolated.

I don't have any real life friends. What should I do?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:57:41 -0800

I don't have any real life friends. What should I do? I was a fairly lonesome kid: the only friend I ever made myself was before elementary school, and the rest I either met through him or online. Even though we all saw each other almost daily in school, I almost never socialized with them: when we got together for lunch, I usually sat by myself, instead opting to communicate with them on an online forum after I got home. I'm still friends with a lot of these people, but we vary rarely talk or meet in real life.

Things weren't any better in college. I made a few acquaintances during the first half of my freshman year, but we haven't really met after I moved. During the second half of my freshman year, I made absolutely no friends and had almost no meaningful conversations with anyone. My sophomore year was a bit better, as I lived with a roommate and gradually learned to be open with him.

My main problem is that I'm extremely anxious about my social partner(s) being comfortable with my presence. I hate awkward moments, and I hate being in situations that I can't easily get out of if I screw up. This fear prevents me from being in situations in which I'm a "host" - phone calls, parties, hanging out - or where I'm invited by myself, such as meeting someone over coffee.

I'm also not a very good conversationalist. My interests are a bit obscure, so finding stuff to talk about often takes effort and leads to awkward pauses. If the other party stops talking, I'm not very good at picking up the conversation. This doesn't happen when I'm totally comfortable with the other person, but so far nobody has met this criterion aside from my family and roommate. I can't be comfortable with someone if I'm trying to make them like me!

Group conversations are much easier for me, but my personality and hobbies seem rather niche (apolitical, moderate, whimsical, and geeky), and I don't really know where to find groups of people who share them. I also vastly prefer socializing with women, but I'm extremely awkward around them and often end up blushing and tongue-tied.

People say I should join in conversations, but it always seems like I'm intruding. I tried joining a few college clubs, but ended up never saying anything.

I have absolutely no trouble making friends online, by the way. In fact, I used to instant message random people just to talk to someone when I got lonely.

So my question is: how do I make friends? And not just acquaintances, but intelligent, interesting friends who unconditionally want to be around me? How do I fight my fears and become a better conversationalist? How do I join in conversations without being awkward? How do I become more confident around women?

Sorry for this heap of neuroses.

Am I prejudiced about friends working in service jobs?

divabat — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:36:35 -0800

How do I get over the feeling of awkwardness/guilt/prejudice when I encounter my friends working in service positions? I grew up in an upper-middle-class environment - my dad had a high-profile job, which meant a higher status amongst the local community, perks and privileges (such as a chauffeur and regular maids), and frequent events with the Who's Who of his industry. My mum always told me to "be part of society" and "remember, you are the MD's daughter".

I rebelled against the whole idea of "high society" (I didn't care much about class) but I didn't realize just how ingrained the whole thing was until I followed my family to dinner at a formal Chinese restaurant some years ago. One of the waitresses for our table happened to be an ex-classmate. I said Hi and she was pretty friendly back, but somehow I felt really embarrassed that she was serving me. Then I realized that the idea of her "serving" me seems rather embarrassing in itself.

I don't feel nearly as awkward when I meet a relative stranger working in service - as a cashier, waiter(ess), customer service, etc. I have also done some service work before (info booth, usher, etc) and generally enjoyed it. Yet when I see a friend behind the counter, I get really awkward and guilty, and the whole issue of class/social status/"omg they are SERVING me" gets muddled in my head. (I felt ultra awkward when I went to a local theatre to watch a show and had to buy tickets from my tutor!)

Often my first instinct is to go "oh, no, let me do it myself" - though in many cases this is not possible, such as when I'm trying to buy something. I first feel embarrassed for them, then embarrassed at myself for thinking that their job is embarrassing. I feel guilty that I have to use my friends to get what I'm after. I don't want to be served!

I know it's ultimately just a job, and my "serving me" complex is just me being silly. But how do I get over this awkward feeling? How do I not feel like my friends are working for me, that I am somehow better than them, when I know this is definitely not the case? How do I clear myself of this ingrained prejudice?

Distill my bleeding parts

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:52:14 -0800

I've been putting off this post for fear of not getting everything across, I almost completely lack confidence and a sense of identity. Over the last four years or so I've found myself becoming more and more painfully aware of shortcomings in my personality. I will begin with a summary of various feelings that plague my everyday life:

-To begin, I feel like I've lost some intelligence and cannot connect things like I used to.
-In correlation, I feel like my sense of humor has become very poor.
-This makes it difficult for me in one-on-one interactions, and I panic to say something in silences.
-When I cannot think of anything (maybe I'm thinking too hard), I begin to feel really boring- worried that I will be deemed so.
-That makes things awkward for me, and I find myself letting my self worth ride on other people or things outside of my control.
-I don't feel respected, and sometimes not even worthy of respect.

I have been to several therapists, but they've always disappointed me in diagnosing these problems. I would say I'm depressed, but not in the clinical sense- I still have fun around people, I just feel like I'm always on trial. That coupled with my already low self-esteem makes things very difficult for me socially. Being so focused on this, I think I tend to fuck up more- like I'm over-thinking it. You can see how this would lead into a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

I've tried developing mantras and reading about self esteem improvement, however as I said I feel my intelligence has slipped and with it has gone my retention. I feel like I'm always forgetting what I've learned, and when situations arise from which I should be learning, I try to remember them as best I can. Usually they are forgotten.

So it's kind of a giant fog of miserableness. But I feel like I could actually do something about all of this- I'm going to go back to school in the fall to start exercising my mind again. I want to study philosophy and psychology for very obvious reasons.

The reason I'm posting this to AskMe is to reach out and see if anyone has ever dealt or is dealing with similar reasoning behind what could be called social anxiety or depression.

throw-away email: sociallydefunct@gmail.com

Thank you.