Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with awkward

Getting Past Embarassment

The Biggest Dreamer — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 14:55:10 -0800

How do you get past embarassment? Asking for a friend. Friend can't handle being embarrassed. If someone were to tell Friend, however kindly and gently, something which makes him feel embarrassed, it will ruin Friend's whole night: Friend basically shuts down, can't let go, can't get past it, wants to curl up into a ball and die.

Frankly it fucking sucks for everyone involved.

How can we not let this happen?

Friend will probably discuss this with a therapist, so no need to recommend therapy here, but any practical tips or sage wisdom on how to get past embarrassment and not let it ruin your life are much welcome :).

I don't really know why this has to be awkward.

flawsekno — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:38:49 -0800

College freshman drama: After knowing A. for a week, I dated him for two; I was the one who broke it off. A month later, I started dating D. It's been three weeks since that started and things have been fantastic, except A. still refuses to talk to either one of us. This is awkward because we all live in the same dorm. Is there anything I can do to make things smoother? Yes, this is fairly typical college freshman drama; my apologies, and I'll try to keep things short.

I think that A.'s overreacting, but I did make a lot of mistakes while dealing with him. It was the first time dating for him; I was coming off of a messy quasi-relationship/break-up from the summer, and I entered into this relationship with A. much too quickly (more or less right when we got to college) partially to reassure myself that I was capable of a normal relationship. I broke things off because I was feeling overwhelmed and because I wasn't really into him--I only told him the former. I also told him that I wouldn't be dating D. about a week before I started doing exactly that--oops. It wasn't a lie at the time, but I did change my mind awfully fast. I've apologized to A. about this--the only (short, awkward) conversation we've had since I started dating D. Basically, I acted horribly.

Still, A.'s an interesting person and I miss talking to him, or at least having him greet me back when I say hi; I also dislike feeling like I have to police how I act towards D. in A.'s presence (not in the sense of restraining myself from unbridled makeouts, but in the sense of avoiding couple-y in-jokes and hand-holding, etc.). Neither D. nor I have been avoiding him or actively trying to see him, and I say hi and smile when I see him, but A. doesn't respond and generally tries to avoid being in the same room as us. We all see a lot of each other since we live in the same small (50-person) dorm. These are minor annoyances, but I'd like things to be less awkward if at all possible. Is there any chance that A. and I can have normal conversations in the near future, and if so, is there anything I can do to facilitate that transition? Should I be careful about how I act towards or talk to D. in A.'s presence, or should I just have A. deal with it? I don't want to be any more of a jerk to A. than I've already been.

Again, this isn't a big deal, but thanks so much for all your help!

I am at a standstill. Have a done everything I should??

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:00:26 -0800

When I think about the situation, I think I'm doing the right thing. Then why do I feel so bad about it? Okay, this is really long. Please read though, I'd love some solid MeFi advice.

I am female, and have a close female friend. We have known each other since middle school and now attend the same college and live in the same apartment building in the same hallway. Normally, this would be awesome because we have been really great friends for many years, and we normally spend so much time together that people joke we're married. The problem is what happened a few months ago...

We were both studying abroad in adjacent European countries. She was nice enough to invite me to visit her in her city for a long weekend. I really looked forward to the trip, and was very excited to see her when I got there. The problem was when I get there it was like she was a different person. She was very standoffish, often giving my general questions "So how are your classes going?" curt one or two word responses. In public she seemed annoyed of me, and became really angry with me for minor things (e.g. I asked her, at a pastry counter, if she'd tried a particular type. She yelled "I haven't tried any of these, okay!" startling the people around us. She refused to go to out to any restaurants despite my repeated requests, and so I ended up having to make dinner at her apartment every night. The culmination of the strange behavior was her giving me the silent treatment for briefly chatting with my boyfriend on her laptop one evening, even though she had been chatting with hers a few minutes earlier. She was upset because, "you're here to talk to me, not him!"

This is not to say there weren't bright points. Sometimes everything would seem back to normal. We'd laugh talk about mutual friends, make our same jokes, and generally have a really nice time. But I was really uncomfortable the whole time because I didn't know when she would start treating me like a childish nuisance again. For the record, I tried really hard to make she I wasn't being annoying, rude, or demanding. I don't think my behavior merited this treatment at all. When she dropped me off at the entrance to the train to the airport, she quickly said "Hey, sorry, I've been a little weird this weekend. Hope you didn't mind." The problem is, I did still mind. I had a horrible weekend, felt on edge the whole time, and couldn't imagine what I'd done to be treated that way. I was really torn up about it, crying on the phone to my mom, and even having nightmares about being back there. I stalled on what to do, didn't talk to her, and she didn't talk to me for a few weeks. Finally I decided I should write her a letter explaining how I felt, asking for an explanation, and making it clear that I didn't want to be treated that way again. I really wavered on whether this was the right course of action, but read in a number of advice columns that this was.

Out of the blue she sent me a one-line email joking about a guy we both know. I decided that this was the time, and so I responded to the joke, but also added my letter about her behavior, wanting to know if I'd done something, and trying to get an explanation. I had my mom and a close friend proof read the letter to make sure it was polite, non-emotional, and straightforward. And then she never wrote back. Months passed, and even though we'd both be online at the same time in our email system, she never wrote back. I was really hurt, but figured she'd decided we just weren't friends anymore or that I wasn't worth a response or something. I was hurt, and still am, but decided that I should just let things go.

Now school has started. And through chance, we live in the same building in the same hall. I didn't think she was coming back to school, but since we hadn't spoken in months I had no idea. I figured maybe she'd come talk to me, but she never has. We pass each other in the hall, and she always smiles really big and says "Hi!", which I reciprocate, but don't say anything more. My thinking being if she actually wanted to be friends she'd reach out with more than that.

So, its awkward. The worse part though is that we were two friends in a close-knit four-person friend group (part of a larger ten-or-so friend group). No one has ever asked me about the situation, but I can tell they know someone is going on, because they look sheepish if I ask what they did last night and they say hung out with her. I don't want them to stop hanging out with her, but I also don't want them to think I'm ridiculous. I know she has told them her side of things because a close friend said to me "I know about your stupid little feud. You need to get over that." He also mentioned that she "didn't write back to your letter.", so I know she got it. I got really flustered, actually teared up, and said that I think it should stay between the two of us, and that I didn't want to get other people involved.

Bless you if you have read this far. Since then nothing has changed. She sent me a text message a few days ago inviting me to a group get-together at her apartment, but I didn't want her to think that things were okay with us. I told her that unfortunately I was busy, and thanked her for the invite. Okay, so my specific questions.

-Am I wrong for thinking that the ball is in her court, and that if she wants to stay friends its her turn to do something? Should I just drop the whole thing?

-So far I've avoided talking to this about any mutual friends. Everyone only knows her side of the story. I feel like everyone things I'm being ridiculous, but still don't think I should say anything. What say you?

-How can I make this less awkward for everyone? At this point, I have doubts we can be friends, so I just want to move on. Has anyone successfully navigated a similar situation?

Thank you for so much of your time. I eagerly await your advice.

No I AM NOT JEWISH!!! Have a nice day.

Phalene — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 12:58:52 -0800

How do I deal with the fact that I apparently look Jewish enough I get assumed to be one by Jews and non-Jews? I'd find it sort of funny if I didn't keep having negative interactions based on this. About once a month (and I don't exaggerate about this), someone approaches me and suggests that I should go to the local synagogue, or asks if I'm Jewish, or suggests I should do a birthright tour. Strangers imply they are trustworthy to me based on this non-existent shared link. It would be sort of funny, if every time I gently point out I'm not Jewish I get an instant negative reaction, the conversation shutting down and the person shuffling off in disappointment.

I'm pale skinned, dark wavy hair, big nose, bottom heavy figure, so I think it's in part because I look like a visual stereotype. I take after my Ukrainian-Canadian grandmother, with shades of my Yorkshire English mother. We think there's a small chance my paternal grandmother's father was Jewish, but it's more family supposition than anything concrete, and largely irrelevant in the context of people going OMG BLOOD KIN, COME DO OUR FAITH ORIENTED ACTIVITY!!!

I wouldn’t mind being Jewish if I was, since my mother’s side of the family routinely inter married and a lot of cultural traditions bled over (we celebrate Chanukah), it’s the fact that people want to be nice to me based on a perceived ethnicity and then act sulky and awkward that I’m a goya. Is there a polite way of getting these people to not approach me, or handle it when they do, or should I grin and bear it? ‘Cuz I’m getting to the point where I want to start being impolite and saying things like: “No, don’t be racist!”

me: "Hi!" you: "Hello" me: "um.." you: "...." me: "..." -> infinity

wiretap — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:16:09 -0800

How do I stop acting like a complete weirdo? It freaks people out, which freaks me out, which freaks them out more on and on in an infinite cycle. In many situations I seem to cause a lot of tension and nervousness/awkwardness to the people around me. I sincerely don't mean to but I'm not sure what to say/do or how to behave to put people at ease.

Some background and examples:

First of all, I've always been shy and introverted and have had issues giving off "mean" vibes growing up due to rarely smiling, and basically being that weird kid that everyone wonders what happens to after high school. I've had tremendous trouble making and keeping friends my whole life (while there is no shortage of people who are friendly to me, in the long run most people can't stand to be around me too often without being severely annoyed). In my early 20's I finally learned how to be a little more friendly and smile more and have obtained a large handful of acquaintances, but still have difficulty creating any sort of close intimate friendships.

I realize this is due to the way I act; there are many social rules I'm only learning now through the power of the internet. Sometimes I read about certain unacceptable behaviors and suddenly realize why entire groups of people have frozen me out of their lives in the past.

I've learned to dress more flatteringly, and apply makeup and style my hair, so at least I appear to be a normal person at first, but then once people start talking to me I say and do things (and probably have weird body language) that creeps people out. Examples:

When I see people I know I blurt out "Hi!" to them, which creates some sort of awkward moment. Usually they make an uncomfortable face and say "hi" back, but seem pretty weirded out regardless. I usually smile and if they're a little far away I'll throw in a wave which makes people even more uncomfortable, and sometimes they nervously laugh or look away. It seems rude not to say hi to them, but is there a different way to greet people that won't freak them out? This happens extremely often and makes me feel embarrassed and sort of sad. Am I being too enthusiastic?
Any place I go to get my hair or nails done I struggle to make small talk with the person doing my hair or nails. I'll laugh too much at small things (mostly out of nervousness) and smile a lot (too much) and not have anything interesting to talk about, then the remainder of the appointment is conducted in mostly silence. The hair stylist/manicurists are always nice to me but seem extremely relieved when I leave.
My "closer" friends aren't afraid to crack jokes around me, but I never have any funny things to say in response. I usually just laugh the whole time, and then they get irritated that I'm laughing too much. I have no clue how to spontaneously make funny observations (when I do, nobody laughs). Sometimes they get so exasperated that they start to pretend that I am no longer there.
I've never had a romantic relationship, ever. Guys have expressed interest but recoil once they get to know me a bit better. Unless I have something specific reason to speak, I am terrible to talk to on the phone and in real life. My conversations have a lot of long, awkward pauses for which I have nothing to relieve with a joke or anything at all.
I especially freak out mid/upper class and highly educated people. If I'm with my sister they're very receptive around her but alone, they try to avoid me. Admittedly, I start to get more nervous when I realize my presence is making other people uncomfortable which makes me even more nervous which makes THEM more nervous, etc.

I'm awkward! This is not normal human behavior. It annoys everyone and it's affecting my social life, my professional life, everything. I get the same reactions around my family as well.

How do I even begin to stop being so weird?

An awkward moment lead to an invitation ... should I accept it?

TheyCallItPeace — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 16:31:50 -0800

I have been invited to a party just in order to make up for the faux pas of having it mentioned numerous times in my presence when I was not yet invited. Should I go? If not, how do I do so without burning any bridges? I was invited to my neighbour's place the other day, while some of her friends were there. During this visit (imagine a relaxed conversation on the porch in a summer evening), numerous times other people mentioned a mid-week party ("What should I bring?"), which I had not been invited to. Although I felt it was a bit rude for these people to bring up said party, I did not expect to be invited (I barely know these people), neither did I express any awkwardness.

However, eventually the people that will throw the party moved inside to get something, and it is my impression that at this point they discussed the faux pas (they were not the ones who committed it), and when they reemerged to leave (at which time I was leaving as well), they invited me to this birthday party. Not knowing what to say, I thanked them, and said I'd be glad to go.

However, because I have met these people only a handful of times, and because it seems they made the invitation out of politeness as opposed to genuine desire to have me attend, I am inclined not to go -- I am also a bit shy, and while they all speak English, I believe the party will essentially be in the local language (the native language of the birthday person and of most of his friends, I assume), which is very new to me, and which I can barely buy groceries with.

I only hesitate because I am in a new city where I don't know anyone, and these people are some of the very few people I have met in almost a year (and they are nice, but it is not like were have all connected ... we just happen to have the same mother tongue). I would hate to offend them, although I suspect my absence would be a non-event.

My questions are:

(1) Should I go? Is it a good idea to go to a party where you just kinda know ~5 people, and when you were the invitation sprung out of an awkward moment?

(2) If I don't go, how do I make sure I don't offend anyone? I was thinking of making a lame excuse ("I have collaborators in town from abroad (which is true), and I am expected to entertain them (which is not)"), dropping off a bottle of reasonably nice wine at the neighbor as asking her to give it in my place along with apologies for the absence. Would that smooth things out and not make me look anti-social and rude?

My Mouth Feels Awkward

Anonymous — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:53:26 -0800

When I get nervous my mouth feels awkward. My tongue doesn't sit right in my mouth and I can't keep my mouth still. I come to the hive for advice. In anxious situations I can't find a position for my mouth to stay in. Everything in my mouth area feels awkward, and this throws off my otherwise comfortable confidence. I have tried fixing my mouth in certain positions (but it still feels uncomfortable), pushing my tongue against the roof of my mouth and releasing it (to relax the mouth), etc.

Holding my mouth still and relaxed likewise feels uncomfortable.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, as I don't think this bothers anyone I encounter too much, but it drives me crazy and throws off my groove.

What should I do?

throwaway email at mymouthfeelsawkward@gmail.com

Thanks in advance.

uncomfortable film suggestions?

beerbajay — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 05:28:28 -0800

Moviesuggestion-filter: Looking for eerie moody films like Crash (96), The Game, Cat People (82), Possession, The Fury, After Dark My Sweet... Some of these are neo-noirs, but not all of them. I think I like the slow action, the unobtrusive music, and the overall sense of uneasiness.

I'm already pretty well informed about directors like Polanski, Cronenberg, De Palma, Lynch, and the Coen brothers.

How to maintain my sense of self while dating?

plungerjoke — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 01:00:16 -0800

How do I maintain my sense of self while dating? I am a 23 year old male with limited relationship experience. Here is how it usually goes down: I meet someone who I am compatible with and interested in becoming involved with. Things are great for a little bit, but I spend ALL of my time thinking about the other person. I ended up dropping out of college one time in part because of allowing one month relationship to monopolize my time. (THINKING about it, not necessarily actually being with the other person). After a while (and in the case of the last successful date I went on, immediately), I completely forget how to be myself. Gone is the hilarious, charming person I know I am capable of being and in his place is a boring, edge-less softie who I wouldn't want to hang out with let alone BE. Then, you guessed it, I get dumped, and I understand why at some level.

My friends all seem to think very highly of me, and on most days, I think very highly of me too! What worries me is that maybe a whole lot of what makes me great to know is tied up in being single, rarely having sex, and not getting inordinately upset over either of these things. It sounds like maybe I am answering my own question here, but I'd love it if there was a less gloomy explanation. Is there any way I can maintain who I am when good things are happening to me in the romance department?

related: I would LOVE to date more, and I feel like I am capable of finding people to do it with. However, the amount of thought time I dedicate to it is not practical. People always say things like "you're overthinking it," but I do not know how to NOT do this.

How do I get better at holding conversation?

tealsocks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 15:00:35 -0800

So. How do I get better at holding conversation? So I'm not very good at holding a one-on-one conversation. Face-to-face, online, on the phone, whatever. This isn't always the case but I run into awkward silences with everyone (acquaintances, dates, family, my closest friends) often enough that I'd really like to try and do something about it. Sometimes I can talk and talk for hours but more often than not I can't think of anything to say. I'll start a conversation with a friend, get as far as "hi, how are you, what's new?" and then realize I can't think of anything to talk about. I'll kind of panic and start to wonder why I started the conversation at all, say something mundane about the new Bob Dylan album or something, and the conversation soon dissolves into awkard silence. I tend to assume it's a failure on my part.

I've got some self-esteem, depression & anxiety issues that probably have something to do it but I've come a long, long way with all that in the past few years. I'm a pretty quiet and reserved person by nature but I'm not particularly socially awkward or anything. I'll note this isn't as much of an issue for me in group situations (even just three or four people, whether I know them all or not) or in public (seminar groups at university, etc).

SO I'd like to know if you all have any tips for carrying a decent conversation or any recommendations for measures I might take to address the problem.

How can I stop being so ticklish?

giraffe — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 11:14:59 -0800

How can I stop being so ticklish? As far as I know, I've always been incredibly ticklish. As in, will scream and flail about if my skin is lightly touched. I haven't conducted any major research or anything, but it doesn't seem like I get more or less ticklish when any sort of conditions change (tiredness, drunkenness, whether I know it's coming, changes in weather, phase of the moon, level of intimacy with the tickler, how long I'm being tickled). It's pretty much all over my body, except my breasts (reduction), calves, feet (weird!), hands, and very occasionally my neck. Since it will probably come up, I do have PTSD, which would suggest hypervigilance, but I've always been this way.

The tickling sensitivity has officially become A Problem because it's interfering with my ability to be physically intimate with my partner, who I really, really like and would prefer to not instinctively swat away.

So, what are my options here? Also, is there a name for this, and that's why Googling has failed me?

How to sensitively break the news?

po822000 — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 06:27:09 -0800

How to share news of our pregnancy? (With a wrinkle.) Mrs. po822000 is pregnant, and we couldn't be more excited (and scared - enter your own Jesse Spano reference here. (Minus the caffeine pills, of course.)

We're to the point where all our family knows, as well as our respective best friends. We want to begin sharing the news with our wider circle of friends, but we found out a few weeks ago (3 weeks?) that two of our closer friends recently found out they were pregnant and lost the baby very early on (less than 8 weeks along in the pregnancy).

While I believe they'd be happy for us, I don't want to be insensitive to what they've gone/are going through. I know my friend's wife has taken it especially hard (she dropped out of her program for the semester because she wouldn't be able to participate in the labs.)

What should we do? We would like to start telling friends when we get back from visiting my brother in Austin this weekend, but perhaps that's too soon and we should wait a couple of weeks?

Your advice is much-appreciated.

Nice to meet you! Your son died? Okay, so...

abdulf — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 21:53:36 -0800

What should I say when people who I don't know well or recently met share personal, usually tragic, information about their lives with me? So I'm out there, working, volunteering, socializing and I find myself in awkward, but very human situations.

After the initial smalltalk, I seem to end up learning something about the person that's not happy news.

For example, "I moved here because of my sister, but she recently passed away," or "I work at this company mostly because my wife has disease X and we need the insurance"

I think my usual response is a frown and, "I'm sorry to hear that". I don't really know what I should be saying. I don't know if them sharing that part of their life is an invitation for me to ask more questions about it or just a fact of their life or what.

I know sometimes it doesn't really matter what you say, but how you say it. So teach me what to say and how to say it, because I don't want to come across as a man with no heart.

awkward wedding situation

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 16:29:03 -0800

What's the etiquette for forced social interaction with a quasi-ex/hookup? I met this girl through mutual friends and we had an ill-defined, months-long relationship/hookup that awkwardly fizzled about a year ago. (We lived in different cities.) I'm not even sure who's responsible for it ending, cause we just sort of fell out of contact. Well, now our mutual friends are having a wedding and this girl and I are both in the wedding party. My guy friends who will be there either don't know or won't care, but she'll have lots of friends there who I'm pretty sure are at least somewhat aware of the situation. What is the etiquette for this? What do I say to her? I don't really know how she feels about what happened so I'm going into this blind. Mostly I just want to not feel awkward the whole weekend.

How do we deal with an abusive brother-in-law after my sister decides to take him back?

csimpkins — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 13:28:11 -0800

My brother-in-law's domestic abuse is tearing my family apart and I really don't know what to do or how to handle the situation anymore. I need some advice. Preface:
I come from a relatively small family. It's my mom, two sisters and me. My sisters and I are all married (them with kids) and all live separately.

The story:
A couple months ago, one of my sisters (Sister A) was choked by her husband in front of the kids. She left, and returned a short time later with my other sister (Sister B) to get the children out of there. He wound up assaulting her as well and breaking her phone when she tried to call for help. They left, the cops got involved, charges were pressed, restraining orders were issued and he went to jail for a day. After about a week apart, Sister A decided to let him back into the house and her life on the condition that he attends anger management classes and counseling.

This wasn't the first incident. He has a history of violent and abusive behavior over the 15+ years they've known eachother and have been together. He's an alcoholic and drug addict and continued drinking when they got back together. Nobody in my family has ever liked him, even though we've always been friendly and accepting. Until now.

Both myself and Sister B have adamantly avoided being around him since the incident, which also means we've missed one of their kid's birthday parties.

Enter Christmas:
Christmas has always been a special time of year for my mother. It's when her Mom died and it's one of the rare occasions where we get together as a family - just us.

I really thought Sister A's husband would have the common sense / decency to excuse himself from showing up when nobody wants him there. But now it's turning into a 'thing'. Sister A told my mom that she doesn't know how to tell her kids that "daddy can't come to Christmas". And Sister B hung up on my mother when she made a plea to put it aside for a day so we can all be together. Personally, very reluctantly willing to go if he's going to be there, though I'm really not even sure how to handle it and afraid of what I might do to make it even worse.

And while I'm afraid it might be too late to do anything to save Christmas, this is something that I can't see an end to... unless she leaves him. But as long as she chooses to try and make it work, it's something the rest of us are going to be forced to deal with one way or another.

My mom has been crying about the whole thing for a month now. Tensions between everyone are through the roof. I can't help but feel like his abuse has extended beyond my sister and he's now abusing my entire family by virtue of his mere existence in our lives. To top it all off, my poor mother is in the midst of possibly being diagnosed with breast cancer. Everyone is so upset and angry about everything right now, I really don't know what to do.

Any advice?

Awkward parental relations: how to prevent?

Anonymous — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:07:03 -0800

My divorced parents are both going to be at my college graduation party. How do I deal with this? My parents divorced when I was in grade school. It was not a friendly divorce; there was animosity on both sides and all of the "how divorced parents should speak to their child" rules were broken as both mother and father openly squabbled and berated each other in front of me. They still do this, making nasty comments about each other when opportunity arises, but now I am old enough to remove myself from the negative situation.

This weekend, both will be at a smallish graduation party at my apartment. Originally, one parent was not going to attend but when that parent's friends indicated that they would come, that parent felt obligated to attend.

I don't know how to interact with both of them at the same time and feel like the situation will be horribly awkward. For example, what if one parent's friends are all there and the other parent's friends are not? Do I just leave one parent sitting on a couch while I interact with other people/other parent?

I am sort of hoping that the parent:parent friends ratio is equal and that they will both be able to occupy themselves and completely ignore each other. But, if that doesn't happen, how do I deal with this other than just getting really drunk?

How do I switch stylists within a salon?

Joey Buttafoucault — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 18:06:10 -0800

So what's the protocol on switching stylists within a salon? I've been getting my hair cut by J for about 6 months now, and I'm a pretty big fan of what he does, but this week I had to make a last minute appointment and the receptionist said "J is booked, would you like to see S?," and so I did. I'm not sure they conveyed to J that I tried to make an appointment with him, because when I went in it seemed like he was trying to avoid talking to me. Turns out, I like S better and I would kind of like to switch to her permanently. Is this kosher? Is there a protocol? What can I do to be nice about it instead of coming off like an asshole?

How do I start a conversation with someone?

als129 — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 16:46:33 -0800

There is a boy. I work at the same place as him, but in a completely different department. Face time is minimal -- what is the least freakish way to start a conversation? I barely see him around the office. Just occasionally. But I do know his name. Would it be weird to e-mail him? Should I just stake out the bathroom and hope to run into him?

PS: I am terrible at starting conversations and I am scared crapless. Tips on good, flirty first impressions would be appreciated. Thank you.

Should someone ask a coworker to crack their back?

TheManChild2000 — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 21:15:54 -0800

Should it generally be considered inappropriate for a coworker that's just an acquaintance to ask you to crack their back from behind? The crotch-to-ass contact made me really uncomfortable, but maybe it's just because I'm generally super uptight. I was the cracker, she the crackee, in case it matters.

I DO SO HAVE MORALS! WAAAH! YOU'RE JUST MEAN!

Phalene — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:16:45 -0800

Atheism filter: How do you deal with the awkward un-comfortableness and sense of betrayal when someone indicates complete non-belief is cuckoo, or inherently immoral? This sort of statement is never made with malice in mind, but it hurts my feelings. I am an atheist. It's never been a big deal to me, because I live in mostly secular Canada, my parents were atheists so I had no big rejection/coming out odyssey. I have religious friends, and while their habits may seem a bit strange to me, I have Aspergers so everything- humans do is strange. But throughout my life when I make friends, the conversation may turn theological.

At which point, the person will usually declare equal toleration for all beliefs, except you know, people who don't believe in some sort of universal great spirit. Because you know those people eat babies and they couldn't imagine being friends with an atheist. While not knowing I am an atheist because it's never been an important part of my life.

For example my university prof declared that atheists are arrogant in tones of disdain. Now while I'm willing to say that the universe is indeed subject to debate, I was hurt. If he'd said 'Christians are arrogant' he'd be pilloried, but for some reason just because the Great Spirit all these people believe in refuses to talk to me, my beliefs are somehow intolerant and inferior. :(

Some friends have made the matter even more awkward by flat out asking “You believe in god, right?” Coworkers earnestly tell me that they believe all religions are wonderful and that you ‘just have to believe in something’.

I've sort of stopped attending the prof's class, which will kill my logic mark, because he made me so uncomfortable with repeated 'atheists = hidebound and unable to think outside the box’ that even after figuring out that his problem was that he’d been reading Dawkin’s work and extrapolated it to all atheists, I don’t want to see him again.

How can I handle irrational arguments like ‘You need god to be moral’? I don’t like being called immoral. I have morals because I have empathy. They wouldn’t like it if I questioned their morality so whatever happened to ‘Do unto others?’

I feel scared, isolated and just a little teary eyed just thinking about religious ostracism, which I also feel embarrassed about. Maybe it was childhood where mistakenly mentioning ‘atheist’ on the schoolyard led to earnest admonitions I was going to hell that makes me anxious, but I feel like I’m in social hell right now when people I like or want to be friends with keep making innocent exclusory statements.

So, how do I handle it? Crusade for atheist rights? Nod and smile? Therapy so I won’t feel so insecure? Fake a conversion?

How do I tell my (girl) friend about my girlfriend?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 16:04:16 -0800

How do I tell my (girl) friend about my girlfriend? At the beginning of January I started hanging out with a woman who is clearly interested in being in a relationship with me. At the time, I told her I wasn't looking for a relationship any time soon due to recent personal drama I was trying to put behind me. Since then we've gotten to be decent friends, doing friend-type things (watching football, bars, etc.), but I have the uncomfortable feeling that she's hoping for something more to happen. I certainly could have handled the initial conversation about just being friends better, since I think it implied that it would just be a matter of time before I was open to being together with her. She has tried to gently nudge things along a couple times, but I've been good about maintaining my "keep it friends" position (declining to kiss her when she asked me to, for example).

Although at the time I sincerely meant that I didn't want a relationship with anyone for the foreseeable future, it turns out I was mistaken. I met another woman I'm extremely attracted to, and it's been getting increasingly relationship-y. Not really something I had anticipated. It's getting very close to the time when I'm going to need to talk to the just-friends girl about this, and I'm at a loss as to how to do that. If I read the situation right, my friend is obviously going to be hurt about it. I do like her, and I'd prefer not to make her feel worse than is inevitable, and at the same time I feel like I'm partially at fault since the way I phrased it initially may have implied to her that at some point I'd have my emotional shit together and be ready to jump into a relationship with her.

So... what are some good strategies/tactics for talking to the friend about this which would minimize the hurt feelings? How do I approach or address the (possible) issue of her feeling like I led her on or somehow lied to her about my readiness to be in a relationship?

My best friend's girl on my other best friend's knee

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 23:23:40 -0800

So I saw a best friend's leg adorned by another best friend's fiance's hand. This is not the first time I have witnessed this, but it is the first I have independent verification. I have mentioned that I saw this to the leg'ed friend. He claims it would be rude to refuse. I asked about how rude it would be to her fiance if he found out. Awkwardness ensued. Both these guys were groomsmen at my wedding, I love and trust the both dearly. Where do I go from here?

I need a first chance to make a first impression

Anonymous — Tue, 01 May 2007 06:47:23 -0800

What should I put in my first email to someone I found on an online dating site? I've read through lots of the Ask MeFi threads on this subject (13 tagged onlinedating, 4 marked dating and online and a slew of others), but still haven't really found the guidance I'm looking for, so here we are.

I have an account on an online dating service. I log in, view lots of profiles, read about many women who seem very interesting to me, and then.... I do nothing.

I find the first email to be just as awkward as going up to a stranger in a bar, which I never do, except I know a lot more about her than if we were in a bar, and she will know more about me. In fact, it's even more awkward, because there's a lot more information in play, which means the rejection might actually be based on something. (Although, I don't always know useful information, since lots of women all share an interest in going out or staying in, dressing up or dressing down, and family and friends! But that's a separate discussion).

This is not a minor hurdle for me, for some reason. I've been a member of the site for a few years, and have only emailed or IM'd complete strangers a handful of times.

I'm not normally shy or particularly introverted. I do well in groups, and fine with individuals once I've met them. It's the meeting and making a first impression that I'm stuck on.

For those of you who have tried online dating (match, yahoo, nerve, okcupid, jdate, whateveryourkinkis.com, etc.), what makes a good first email? I'm a guy looking to meet a lovely lady, but I'm happy to hear from anyone with thoughts on the issue.

How long should it be? Should I mention if I think she's cute? Generally, I've had good luck with sincere compliments in person, but another thread said that was a generic thing to put in an email. Will that sound like every email she gets? Should I comment on specific things in her profile? What do I say about me? She can click on my profile for the basics, so I don't want to repeat it all, but it seems presumptuous to assume she's going to read the profile, right? Should I specifically ask her to read my profile? Do I say i hope she'll write back, or that I'd like to meet her, or that I'd like to chat?

And so on... I get all wound up on what to say and end up never saying anything. Help!

Dispensing the awkward since 1983, or, How to Remain Friends?

Eudaimonia — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 21:49:04 -0800

I poured my heart out and all he did was throw me a mop to clean it up. How to turn this awkward situation into a friendship? So there's this boy (isn't there always?)

Long, *embarrassing* story short, I liked him. We worked together and always had great banter. In fact I thought I got a lot of signals from him that I and everyone around me thought were indicative of interest...

I pursued, we hung out once (I never considered it a date), he seemed genuinely interested in hanging out again and told me to call him when I got back in town. Yay! So, here comes the pathetic: I try and contact him multiple times but I hear nothing back. I rationalize a bunch (he may still be out of town!, maybe he didn't get my message!, whatever). Still thinking that he liked me, I eventually write him and let him know that I liked him and thought he liked me and call him out on the fact that he never got back to me which I think he could have done even out of consideration for a friend. Wish him the best of luck in life, yada yada (yes I have a propensity for the dramatic).

He writes me back and lets me know he has no feelings for me *in that way* and claims he's upset about not being friends anymore. Well...ok. I write him what I consider to be a funny email with some advice on an interview he's got, and tell him to keep me posted on life and maybe we can hang out in a while. I fully expect not to hear back but much to my surprise, success! He seems amused by my advice and says he definitely wants to be friends, and to contact him. And so I figure at this point, he didn't need to write me back so maybe he really does want to be friends with me (he doesn't need to save face or anything...I don't work there anymore and we really don't know the same people).

Ok, sorry for the lengthy backstory, but here's my actual question. I do really want to be friends with him. What kind of time frame/situation should I consider in this situation? How long should I wait to get back in contact with him, and when I ask to hang out with him again, in what manner should I do it? Is it ever going to be salvageable or unawkward?!

Whoa, that was embarrassing, but that wasn't short. Thanks to anyone who read all that and I appreciate any suggestions/advice on the situation!

I realize some of you will say that perhaps my motives are not friendship but remnants of crush and I all I can say on that subject is: there was a reason I liked him. I do think he's cool, I do think its worth it. A potential problem is that he thinks I liked him more than I did, and although we haven't known each other for that long, I really do think we could be good friends (and I just moved here so I'm trying to make as many as possible). Of course I'm still attracted (I can't turn it off that quickly), but I'm hoping that this charred wreckage of a crush can eventually turn into a beautiful, er, flower of friendship.

He's nice, but I don't want to be friends with someone I don't really want to be friends with

greta simone — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 21:46:40 -0800

How do I go about NOT making friends? So about a month or so ago, I was out with a group of friends. A guy I had met a few times before was there. Nice guy, whatever. He asks me out. We go out twice, no chemistry, I'm not really looking for a relationship anyway. I send him a message essentially saying "hey you are a nice guy, but I'm not really interested, I'm sure I'll see you around". He writes back saying "yeah, I'm not all that into it either, but let's hang out as friends, let's get coffee".
Thing is, we have nothing in common as friends either. Our conversation is awkward and forced and I don't really want to be 'just friends' with him either for two main reasons A) I'm pretty busy and I'm happy and pretty solidly socially booked with the friends that I have and B) he runs in the same crowd I do and I don't totally want to blow him off bc I don't want to have an awkward run in.
I've already cancelled on one coffee date last minute hoping that he would kinda get the hint, but he hasn't. I really don't think he's trying to try and weasel his way into a dating situation or anything bc I know he goes out with lots of different women and he's not lacking for company and he's just a really nice guy. I just don't think he feels as awkward as I do.
So, what do I do?