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New job prob

showbiz_liz — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 07:42:14 -0800

I just took a new job, which starts in two weeks. Upon accepting the job, I asked for a day off on June 7th, which is the day before my friend's wedding (in which I'm sort of a bridesmaid). I'd already gotten that day off with my current employer. This was fine with the new job. Now, I've realized that to make it to the bachelorette party, I will have to leave early on May 17th too... on my third day of work. How and when do I bring this up? Can I, even? By 'sort of a bridesmaid,' I mean she isn't having bridesmaids, but I am helping out in various ways and have promised to help set things up for both the wedding and the bachelorette party.

The new job starts on May 15th, and it's in a very small nonprofit office. The friend getting married lives in a small and inaccessible-by-public-transit town in Virginia, and I'm in NYC. It'll be easy for me to get to the wedding because I'll be splitting a car with friends, but that's not an option for the bachelorette party- no one else from NYC is going, and I don't drive.

Therefore, the only possible way for me to get to Virginia on time for this party (which takes place on Saturday) is to take a Chinatown bus from NYC to Fredricksburg on Friday night. The Saturday bus would arrive too late. The bus I want to take leave at 5pm on Friday.

This will mean that I have to leave work an hour and a half early on Friday- my third day of work- in order to make it to the bus in time.

I'm really worried about this. I mean, if I ask and they say "no," I'll live, but I don't want to get off on the wrong foot with my new employers, especially since I did already ask for one vacation day.

Is there a good way to ask for this? Would it be better to do it by email now- risking them thinking that I'm the sort of person who constantly asks for days off? Would it be better to ask in person- even though it'd be three days before the requested time? What can I do here?

How to cope with feeling "outside" company

Lotsofcoffee — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 09:02:56 -0800

How to cope with feeling "outside" company Situation: When others joke together or just talk and don't include me for a while, I feel outside. I can cope with that in single situations, we all have to. But for example at dinner at my job, I feel like a bit of a quiet outsider while my colleagues chat. Usually, before we hit the lunch break, I feel like I'm part of the sociale sphere. But after the experience of suddenly having been the "outsider" I have a hard time not judging myself a bit, as "not like them"; while when I'm satisfied with the situation, and I connect with what's going on, I just feel like any other human being. The situation of sitting at a table, dining, somehow makes me uneasy because: 1) the formailty of it. 2) the chatting which is often about things I can't say much about like echonomic stuff, or other things that don't interest me much in my sparetime. Now, I'm very quiet in these situations, so quiet that it's clear that I'm not part of this situation, just a listener, but a listener for the whole 30 min. lunch break. And people wonder about this change of character in these situations.

The problem is, I think a LOT about things like this, because I get an intuitive feeling of uneasiness. And after the lunch break I feel a bit different in a way, since I don't engage like they do. Man is a social animal, and when I'm put in a situation like this, I feel like an observer of the others rather than a part of it.

I can function perfectly socially, it's almost like it's either 100% confident, and self-secure, or the other way around; like the situation is anti-me, and that I don't know how to handle it.

How do I cope with this?

haha, I need a massage ... NOT

seesom — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 19:19:42 -0800

How would you handle this inappropriate work scenario? This event happened many years ago. For some reason I thought of it today but am sure not sure of the best way to handle it.

My work team was at a several day long event with our clients. The work involved involved our project team spending many hours with the client team, and people became friendly and chatted and occasionally grabbed coffee together, but that was the extent of it.

One day our team member "Pat" walked to a client and started massaging "Chris"'s shoulders. Pat is known as someone is socially awkward, but not aggressive or sexually harassing.

What you do in the following scenarios?

1. Pat is higher/more senior than you but not your direct manager
2. Pat and you are at the same level
3. Pat is less senior than you, but not your direct report
4. You are Pat's manager

Does the gender matter to your reply? If so, then let me know in the comments and I will clarify. Thanks in advance.

(in theory) I'm a manager, how do I get my staff to start treating me like it?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 12:05:48 -0800

(in theory) I'm a manager, how do I get my staff to start treating me like it? When I started this job a year ago, I had no managerial experience. The staff is very small (besides myself, there is the owner, a manager and 4~ other staff members).

I was asked if I'd like to become assistant manager after the current one started to act flaky. At the time, another coworker, who'd been working there for about a year before this, thought he was going to take that role.

His work performance began slipping though, and so they asked me. I accepted, and was very excited. I learned how to manage the safe, counting the cash and dealing with the bank stuff. I learned how to do the labor logs. I've been doing the stores inventory sheets for the week by myself for 6 months now.

But the coworker who assumed he'd be taking the position I did was pretty resentful, and made this clear pretty passive-aggressively. He was nice to me, as long as it was not mentioned that I held this position. And any time it was mentioned he would launch into a rant about how he should have had this position, to any of the other workers who were around (this was not necessarily true, he really wasn't all that great. He was quick! But he did not do any work without specifically being told to do it, but because he never got in trouble for any of this from the other manager or the owner, I never wanted to complain about him. It was clear they both really liked this guy.)

He pretty much made it clear that I was only manager by default. And I'm pretty sure the other employees came to believe this too. And now I find myself believing it, whether it is true or not. (He was eventually fired, but the whole staff who works here were there when he was treating me this way as well).

And it's affecting my interactions with the staff, and with my management. I'm not especially socially adept to begin with, and now that I feel everyone's judging me and feeling that I'm not really in charge I find myself faltering anymore. And they've asked me to do firings, and I've helped with hirings, and training, so I do believe this role is more than just a title.

Especially now, because the other manager is leaving, and I'm going to be learning how to do the weekly orders, which is the only thing I don't know how to do. I will be manager, not assistant manager, anymore. And yet part of me can't help thinking this is circumstantial too, like I'm only getting this promotion, again, because I'm the only one available.

So what I need to learn asap:

1) how to interact with my bosses (and coworkers) without being so awkward. I have a hard time even striking conversation (small talk, even) with the bosses lately, and a hard time taking myself seriously with the staff

2) how to be a boss, how to take myself seriously so they will take me seriously too. Things to say, how to act. Mantras to repeat to myself, or something, when I start to doubt myself.

As an aside, I know my performance is not a problem, which makes this even more frustrating. I know that I do a great job, they leave notes for me telling me how I've done such-and-such well, and yet I still feel awkward around my bosses.

co worker constantly texting me

owlrigh — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 17:11:46 -0800

Last week a coworker said,"hey, we should catch up for a coffee outside of work sometime", and so we swapped numbers. Since then she's constantly texting--from first thing in the morning ("Good morning") to last thing at night ("Good nite and sweet dreams, going 2 sleep now"). Anyone else had such strong friend-making attempts from coworkers? How did you deal? It's been some 80 texts since Tuesday. We're in our 30s, she's married, she thinks I'm straight, so it's not her hitting on me. I think. Everyone else at work knows I'm queer, but she never seems to twig on anyone. My workplace is very queer.

"you're so funny and nice", "I will text you after gym class, thinking about you", "good morning, I had a dream about you last night", "feel free to text me anytime for anything if you want to talk about stuff", "I would love to go out for a coffee for you", "when are we going to see (a particular) movie" and on.

We don't even speak that much at work! I interact more with the younglings, because they're more prone to understanding my sense of humour. We have the sort of job that only constant horsing about makes at all bearable. She's a fairly soft person--my rather, uh, rough way of joking has gotten me a vaguely hurt look at times, until I realise she's thought I was serious and quickly fixed that.

I know she doesn't mean to, but it comes over all flirtatious and it's making me highly uncomfortable. She's mentioned that I'm the only one to give her my number from work. I guess I'm trying to look for a way to make her realise that she's freaking me out without making workplace relations strained?

How to help a girl who is being made to feel uncomfortable at work?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 07:42:21 -0800

This afternoon, a girl at work confided in me that a male colleague of ours has been making her feel uncomfortable. I want to help her, but I find myself questioning my own motives. I don't want to be one of "those" guys... Today, at lunch, this male colleague made some comments that were out of line. He asked this girl, "if someone dreamt about you, would you want to know?" - then, before she could answer - "Because I've dreamt about you". It was awkward, so I jumped in and said to him, "I dream about you all the time [wink]", in an attempt to break the tension.

After lunch, the girl came to me to tell me that he was making her feel uncomfortable. She told me that this wasn't the first time he'd made comments like this. I advised her to tell her (female) boss, and she said she had. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, I told her, someone superior needs to tell him to lay off.

I have lunch with them both (and one other guy) at least once a week. Whilst the conversation is usually friendly and innocent, I've heard similar comments once or twice before, from both of them. They make me feel uncomfortable, let alone her. I wish I could say I call them out on it, but instead I just wince and change the subject. That said, I don't think it would help the situation if either she or I were to confront this guy. Really, that's for his boss to do.

They go for lunch together almost every day. She explained to me that she sometimes feels she is being forced to go against her will. He calls her every day, and won't take no for an answer. I think she also feels trapped in the routine - the three of them joined the company at roughly the same time, hence why they became friends - and I think that's why she's asking me for help/advice. I told her to do what I do - make your excuses, say you have too much work, and sit and read metafilter instead - and that, in time, they would stop asking. Or, since she doesn't know many people there, I told her she could spend her lunch walking to the shops with me, if she wanted to.

The trouble is, I've had a minor crush on this girl myself for a while now. She's incredibly attractive, and probably has to deal with this kind of behaviour from guys all the time. I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone, so I've kept those feelings locked up the whole time, but I still question my motives in wanting to help her. In short, I don't want to be one of "those" guys. She's shown she trusts me: I don't want to betray that inadvertently.

Best suggestion I can come up with is that she try befriending some of the girls from the office, and hanging out with them instead. Ideas?

If it's of any use: throwaway.login.name@gmail.com

Difficult email filter:

Hydrofiend — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 14:30:14 -0800

I need to send an email to someone I don't know very well about a death. Please help me... Background: I recently started a new job. One of my responsibilities is to attend board meetings. At our last meeting, the newest board member was introduced. I have interacted with her before (at a social function for the org. I work for) and our interactions are friendly but professional. In other words she is not my BFF and our conversations generally are around the org. I work for. We are currently working on a project together and in the midst of that, her Dad died. She tells me this in an email and cancels a meeting we were supposed to have. The Executive Director wants me to ask about funeral arrangements but I'm having a hard time composing this email! I don't know, it doesn't feel right just flat out asking "have you made funeral arrangements yet? We wanna come" Am I just being a pussified dweeb or is there a way to ask this without it offending or sending her into a fit of tears or better yet, having to deal people who she'd rather not be there? Please help me. Thanks

Should someone ask a coworker to crack their back?

TheManChild2000 — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 21:15:54 -0800

Should it generally be considered inappropriate for a coworker that's just an acquaintance to ask you to crack their back from behind? The crotch-to-ass contact made me really uncomfortable, but maybe it's just because I'm generally super uptight. I was the cracker, she the crackee, in case it matters.