Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with attraction

give me a sign! women and their ways to show they like you

sniperantics — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:29:15 -0800

i'm absolutely smitten by this girl. i find myself constantly thinking about her. but what are the signs of that she may an interest back? i've not been this attracted to someone since my last relationship. it's been almost a year since that break-up ... and lots has past. then along came this girl. we're members of the same church group but i actually met her at a church conference this past september. it was very civil, but it was an instance during a group dinner that drew me to her. we were discussing eyelashes (haha) and she added at the time that she thought hers were too short ... at that point i said, "hmmm, let me see ..." and she drew quite close to me while i 'examined' her eyes. what an ethereal experience! something so non-chalant, so inexpressive and simple just took my breathe away ... however I am not so certain she received the same type of experience.

since then it has been a series of playful conversations via mostly email and text, with select few phone convos ... i think she's making me jump hoops for her time and attention. and thru the method and nuances of my messages and the way I 'randomly' contact her, it must be obvious to her that I am attracted to her ... or is she? i need some thing concrete. I'm trying to be persistent but at the same not come out so needy. women, i need your insights. i really like this one.

She likes me, but does she like me like me?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:32:50 -0800

Late start at dating, and I'm worried that I don't/can't express attraction on dates or around people I like. Halp! I've gotten a really late start into the dating world. I'm in my mid-20s and have basically only gone on a handful of first dates (all arranged online), mostly in the past year or so, none of which have involved more physical contact than a rather chaste goodbye hug. A few times I've developed friendships with (single) women I've been pretty attracted to, but those have not morphed into anything more. (I don't know how to! Literally, don't know how those things happen.) Even aside from the mechanics of it ("touch her arm X times!" "mention Y!"--not that I think you can go by some textbook here), I don't know what happens if the "move" (physical or verbal) is unwanted/unrequited. Seems like it would be extremely awkward, especially if we've already become "friends." And it seems like friends is what I know how to do - I meet someone I'm attracted to and then when we hang out, I don't act like it's a date (I guess - how do you act like it's a date other than paying for someone?)

Relevant background:
-I'm a woman, and I'm pretty much only interested in dating women.
-I grew up (through high school) in a religious environment where no one dated and there was pretty extreme separation of the sexes. (i.e. lack of dating/flirting experience or exposure at a "normal" age, combined with developing the tendency to censor attraction since liking women wasn't really okay in that environment.) (But I have been away from that for >6 years at this point.)

I guess it would be perfect if I ended up on a date with someone who takes the reins and I'm attracted to, but:
a) I don't feel like I can/should count on someone else like that (as someone said in another AskMe: man who wait for roast duck to fly into mouth wait long time.)
b) I worry that I give off "not interested" signals, which might be stopping many people from taking the reins. I'm not an extremely physical person (would love to be more so) and I have these internal filters that seem to stop me from being really obvious about my attraction to people.

To my knowledge, no one, male or female, has ever overtly hit on me or expressed interest (excepting maybe the very occasional sketchy street dude), which suggests I'm either oblivious to cues or giving off some sort of "don't go there" signal.

How can I seem more receptive to advances? How do I express this stuff other than "hey, I like you?"

What happens when you try kissing someone (a friend suggested I just take the plunge and kiss someone I'd been hanging out with) and it wasn't wanted/expected? Or even if you grab their hand and it wasn't wanted?

Throwaway email since this is anon: askme.dating@gmail.com.

How can I stop this ridiculous crush?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:06:35 -0800

I met the most beautiful geeky girl I have ever seen or imagined. Help me get her out of my head, please. I went out for drinks with some new acquaintances who I hadn't met before and am unlikely to see again any time soon. A little way into the evening we were joined by a girl whose face seemed to be designed just to stimulate my brain's neurochemical pleasure pathways. She was so, so lovely. I spoke to her for about 10 minutes (~~and can now die happy~~) and found out that she's really interesting, has a cute accent, is studying nearby, and is into sci-fi. I'm not usually prone to this sort of thing at all, but despite barely having even met her, I'm crushing on her like a schoolboy. (Laying in bed last night I actually caught myself imagining how sweet we'd look as an elderly couple.) This is absurd. Help me stop.

Why is it so absurd? Well, mainly because I don't know her or really anything about her, and nor does she about me. Also, she's about five years younger than me (she's in her early-20s), but I look about ten years older than her (like her older brother or uncle - bruncle?). Also, she's far, far prettier than I am (think Shrek and Fiona). Also, because of my living and employment arrangements, I'm hardly an attractive proposition right now. And anyway - why am I even thinking about these things? I sat across from her for a couple of hours and spoke to her for about ten minutes. This is crazy.

Please tell me how to un-do to my brain whatever her lovely face has done to it. I don't think rational arguments will work, but don't let that stop you.

(Oh, and before anyone asks... I wasn't drunk, and this isn't about sex.)

Disposable email: ohgodwowiloveyou@googlemail.com

Loss of libido with Levlen/Levora?

roxie110 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:32:13 -0800

Has anyone taking the birth control pill Levora/Levlen had a loss of libido? I've been taking this pill for a year now, and (along with some weight gain that kicked in about 6 months later, yuck) I've noticed a pretty steep drop in my libido.

This is the first time I've ever been on the pill, and I'm trying to figure out whether this may be related to the pill itself, or whether I'm just not that attracted to my boyfriend anymore (it's been 6 years)!

Any info or advice would be welcome.

What's this sexual lightning bolt that I feel?

KateHasQuestions — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:23:44 -0800

Whenever I am close to someone I am sexually attracted to, I feel this spark go through my whole body. Is there a name for it? Why does this happen and what's going on in my body? Ever since I first felt this spark when I was 13, it's how I know whether I am attracted to someone or not. I've kissed some guys I thought were ridiculously hot and not felt the spark and knew I didn't want to kiss them again, and then there've been times when I'm hanging out with some not so great looking dudes and I feel the spark even before there's any kiss or touching!

I've described it to a few friends and they always said "yea, it's the butterflies in your stomach" but it's not just butterflies and it's not just my stomach. It feels like a mini lightning bolt that starts deep inside below my stomach, or somewhere around where the uterus would be (I think), and within a second spreads throughout my whole body, down to my girly parts and my knees, and up to my hands, and it kind of takes over for a second and makes me a little dizzy and a little weak, at the same time giving me chills, and it feels so so good. If a spark-causing guy is holding my hand and doing that thing with moving his thumb around in a circle, the spark pretty much keeps going. If I think about the guy and the spark later I can re-create it over and over. It's kind of weird, but the spark is really easy to recreate if I have to pee and I'm squeezing to prevent that - so there's something there that's related to the pelvic muscles. After several months of being with one person the spark sometimes fades, but can be brought back with one really passionate kiss.

So what is going on physically when I feel the spark? Are millions of sexually excited neurons happily racing through my body? Is there a name for this phenomenon?

What's more important, a magnet's surface area or thickness?

howling fantods — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:27:53 -0800

What contributes more to the attractive force between a magnet and a thin piece of metal - the magnet's surface area, or its thickness? Suppose I have thin piece of metal and a neodymium disc magnet. With everything else being equal, will a thin magnet with a large surface area provide a stronger pulling force than a thicker magnet with a smaller diameter? In either case, the piece of metal is no thicker than the magnet itself.

A Saturday afternoon in the TDot

dnesan — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:02:22 -0800

Can you tell me something great to do this Saturday afternoon (Nov. 7th) in central/downtown Toronto? My friend is getting married, and we're having a pseudo (co-ed) bachelorette party for her. We already have the evening mapped out, but need something to do before dinner. Stripperobics (and that sort of bachelorette faire) aren't exactly our/her style.

We're all GTA residents (or close enough to it), and we're having both lunch and dinner in the downtown core. We'd like to find something to do between hunger pangs (say around 3pm-7pm), something that's fun and memorable despite the fact that we already spend a lot of time in the city. There must be some little known gem that I don't know of.

I'm considering the ROM, but think it might be too staid. The bride loves the distillery district, if that helps define her at all. I want to find something that feels special for her, she has broad tastes and interests over all.

We're all late 20's men and women, money shouldn't be the prime concern but none of us are millionaires. We'll have cars to travel in if needed.

Can you help us do something great?

If love is a battlefield, have I become a conscious objector?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:34:34 -0800

Heterosexual male in his early 30s after a long-term relationship finds himself not really interested in the opposite sex. Is this normal? Some Background: It's been about a year since amicably ending a 10+ year relationship[1]. I decided to do the 'smart thing' and not rush into dating or random one night standards, which I managed to keep to, other than 6 months ago I had a small fling with a female friend[2] (who I have known for a few years) that lives in another country. Barring that, in the past year, I've found myself not really 'interested' in women, dating or nsa-wise.

I'm still sexually attracted to women, I've not suddenly become sexually attracted to men. I do miss having sex, but every women I've met since the relationship ended just doesn't seem to 'pique my interest', so to speak. I've meet some beautiful, smart and funny women in the past year, but all of them just don't interest me in anyway more than friends or acquaintances.

My friends have tried to 'hook me up' with ladies from time to time, usually ending in semi-disaster usually caused by me not being interested and sometimes complete oblivious. While it all makes for funny stories at the pub, they are[3], as am I, starting to wonder what is going on.

I am happy going through life right now as things are, my work is great, challenging and feels really fulfilling. I don't pine for someone/anyone to be with me. But I do wonder, is this a normal reaction for most people out of a long term relationship to go through?
Questions can be asked at throwaway email account (thatyarrthere[a-t]googlemail.com) if required.

1. We have no intention of getting back together. Nor am I in a desperate search to find her exact replacement.
2. While we enjoy each others company, neither of us are interested in a long distance relationship.
3. They aren't pressuring me to get back in the 'game'. They are just being good friends and are 'concerned'.

Is it true that the first thing women check out on a guy are his glutes?

pu9iad — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 11:51:22 -0800

Is it true that the first thing women check out on a guy are his glutes? Hi everybody,

I recently heard that - after such things as the face - the one thing women check out first on a male are his glutes. Consequently, the butt seems to be the body part with the most sex appeal in the male body.

Is this true?

(Apart from anecdotal evidence I could not find any (scientific) information that would prove this claim. Also, I always thought male physical attractiveness was primarily determined by a v-shaped back.)

What is charisma?

decoherence — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 07:46:50 -0800

What are the qualities of the most charismatic or magnetic person you know? I'm interested in charisma. By this, I don't necessarily mean the attention-commanding, showy, "life of the party" sort, who always has a story or joke to tell. But rather, people who are genuinely, effortlessly likeable or magnetic, who both men and women seek to be around, and whose presence always enhances any occasion.

A good friend of mine fits the above description. He's instantly likeable, and while he's often not the center of attention in a group, his presence is always felt, and people are always seeking to have him around. But he has no single, standout quality that obviously makes him this way. He's not a great storyteller, and he isn't particularly funny. And while he's exceedingly bright, he doesn't often let this show in conversation, except in subtle and very natural ways. As best I can tell, the things that make him so charismatic are 1). He's very good-looking, in an all-American, non-threatening way; 2). He projects utter self-assuredness and confidence, in a weird way that somehow manages to straddle the line between modesty and arrogance; and 3). He's nice to people he meets and unfailingly polite, while often employing flattery in fairly subtle ways. I think the combination of someone who so obviously has it "together," but who also comes across as a good person who takes an interest in everyone he encounters, is what draws people to him.

Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing what the qualities are that make the most charismatic person you know the way they are. I'd also like to know whether you've ever tried to emulate these yourself, and what kinds of success you've had. Is charisma something that can be "improved" upon?

what makes you think someone is attracted to you?

gwenlister — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 08:10:22 -0800

Attraction detection: what makes you think someone is attracted to you? (not what makes you attracted to them) and how accurate are people's beliefs that someone is attracted to them? I don't just mean flirting, because lots of people (myself included) naturally flirt with just about everyone, regardless of actually being attracted to them. Its just how mode of communication is perceived or whatever. I also don't necessarily mean this in the context of a relationship. I'm frankly more interested from the perspective of acquaintances/strangers/friends/people you aren't dating.

I also know there are people out there who incorrectly think practically everyone is attracted to them, so I'm not talking about that. I'm making the assumption that you are a level headed, reasonable person.

So what makes you think someone is attracted to you? And how accurate are we when we think that someone is attracted to us?

How to Keep Steady?

EatTheWeak — Mon, 25 May 2009 11:43:48 -0800

Please help a fella out with the next stage of his Courtship Reeducation Program: How to stay cool when you can't stay ambivalent? Yup, DatingFilter, your favorite and mine.

A little over a year ago I got fed up with my poor romantic track record and set out to do something about it. The idea was to address the things I felt stood in the way of my having a fulfilling love life and the goal was to sort them out while I was still young.

That meant getting in shape, dressing better, disabusing myself of the impossibly high-pressure "soulmate" theory, curing myself of Nice Guy Syndrome and basically embracing the status of "single" as something that's actually pretty fun and exciting to be. This reeducation program is ongoing and I'm in no rush whatsoever to wind up in a comitted relationship any time soon. However, I have reached something of an impasse, and I was hoping to get the HiveMind's help with getting around it.

See, as a lifelong shy bastard, I recently learned that flirting is a total blast and, in spite of the panic you may initially feel, getting to know a woman usually doesn't put you in any physical danger. When I'm ambivalent about a gal, I have absolutely zero difficulty keeping these facts in mind. If I find a girl kinda cute and interesting, talking with her is super fun and easy.

If she's gorgeous and fascinating, however, it all falls apart. My tongue goes five sizes too big and maintaining eye contact feels like it's gonna blow my head off. That once-omnipresent panicking pressure to be funnyandinterestingandattractive at all times comes back and I feel like I gotta dive for cover. Which is what I usually wind up doing, which is a drag.

I'd like to make unraveling this malfunction my summer project. I've gotten pretty good at staying cool when talking and flirting with women I'm ambivalent about; how do I do this when a gal's really rung my bell? Mild attraction is no longer terrifying, but I've still got this situation going where, the more my type a woman is, the less likely I am to talk to her. The surest sign I really dig a girl is that I never say a word to her, and that's a trend I'd like to reverse.

I never knew I'd be thinking quite these thoughts

Anonymous — Fri, 15 May 2009 06:42:58 -0800

How to deal with feeling attracted to an underage teen in one's 20s? I'm in my 20s, and found myself attracted to an underage teenage girl, 15, going on 16, I ended up talking to over the internet. I responded to her flirtation by flirting back, fantasizing, and ultimately masturbating to a picture she sent me of herself in lingerie. Subsequently I felt sick and nearly vomited. Apparently she fetishizes older men and finds me attractive, and even after the wrenching post-chat epsode, I still felt attacted to her. I've been in therapy for other unrelated reasons, and I'll certainly be going back after this, but I thought I'd ask the community: how best do I cope with something I didn't really think I was capable of, and feel better about myself again in light of still feeling a combination of disgust and arousal?

More than just attracted to difference?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:54:22 -0800

Seeking advice and shared experiences from other people who are not attracted to people from their same racial/ethnic/national identity. I'm mixed. My parents, immigrants to the US, originally hailed from opposite ends of this earth. I (female) have never been attracted to men who are from either side of my parents ethnic/national identity. Never, ever.

I feel bad, like I'm not giving certain demographics a fair chance. Recently, a male friends of mine from x background shared that he is attracted to me. There's nothing really wrong with him, but it's as if I have some inability to feel sexual and/or romantic chemistry with men from either "side."

I've generally been attracted to a wide variety of backgrounds. Though, I am very frequently attracted to men who are mixed - perhaps its a shared experience of always straddling the in-betweens, and a feeling of sameness (of experience) through differences. I am, occasionally, attracted to men who share 1/2 of their background with my own - but it's because I see them foremost as mixed, rather than from a shared ethnic/racial/national identity.

But those that have "whole" backgrounds shared with one of my parents, I have never felt chemistry. No attraction. At all. Ever.

Does anyone have any reasons for why this is? I've occasionally heard of people experiencing similar - not being attracted to people of a same background - why is this? It is not as if I've had some terribly awful experience with people from either side; even from childhood, I had crushes on people from a variety of racial/ethnic/national backgrounds - just not on those where my parents were from.

How can I communicate to people that my lack of attraction to either "side" is not indicative of being a sell-out, racist, or evident of some kind of self-hatred?

I am not looking to change this, just merely ways of addressing this with other people ask, or kind ways of telling someone from either background that I am just not interested in them, and it is sincerely not personal or about them.

How to deal with flirtly roommate & his female conquests?

afabulousbeing — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:43:02 -0800

What makes more sense when trying to deal with feelings of irritation and jealousy towards someone who just so happens to be your roommate - coldness and avoidance, or cultivating a veneer of warmth? I'll refrain from revealing every last detail about the situation, but not too long ago one of my roommates became exceedingly flirty and came onto me all in the same night. I soon learned, however, that his intentions were anything but serious and he basically only wanted me as a fwb. Since I find him very attractive and had already been toying with the idea of having a casual hook-up just for fun, I gave him some pretty clear hints that I would probably be up for that. But before anything else happened between us, we, okay mostly he, decided that we didn't know what we would be getting into, being roommates and all. Thus, it was determined that we would simply put what happened behind us.

Immediately thereafter, he started bringing another girl home with him during the nights, and although I feel that the situation has surely now been resolved, I find myself resenting him for having stirred up my interest in him, and frankly, my lust. Prior to this, I had tried not to think of him in that way, but now it irritates me that he's so blatantly having sex with someone else under the same roof. My plan now is not to dwell on it, and just continue meeting and dating guys who are more mature, if not necessarily quite as hot as the roomie.

What I don't know though is how to handle myself when I run into him either when he's alone or when he's with this girl. He often acts quite friendly towards me, and dare I say flirty, after what happened. Should I protect myself by acting cold and disengaged, or would it be better for both him and me if I make it a point to seem bubbly and care-free? If I didn't live with him, I would be so completely over this by now, but as things are, I'm somewhat worried that my resentment or whatever is going to have some longevity.

Good sex, good friendship but no love, why?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 13:03:18 -0800

Relationship Filter: I am dating someone that I love as a person, love as a friend, and I am extremely sexually attracted to her....however for some reason or another I cant seem to develop "romantic" feelings for her...Should I let this thing go? (Apologies for the long post which I made anonymous because sometimes she logs on to this website)

We've been dating for about 8 months now. At the beginning of our relationship it was casual and very open and exclusively of the physical type (I had just gotten out of another relationship and did not want anything serious).....As the relationship progressed things have become a little bit more complicated....About 2 months ago she told me that she wanted me to stop seeing other people and I agreed mainly cause, well I really was not seeing anyone in the first place and sexually she's kept me very satisfied (and to me this is a big part of the reason we are together).....We are now dating exclusively...and not seeing/sleeping with someone else. Valentines day is quickly approaching and in the last few months I've seen the following two developments:

1) Her biological clock is ticking and going crazy, the only thing she talks about is kids, marriage, and almost everytime I see her makes a complaint about remaining "single" for the rest of her life (I should mention now that she is only 24 years old).

2) I've found out that I genuinely like her, aside from the talks of marriage and kids, she gets me on a deeper level than most people do, we've become best friends, and the sex is amazing and this is very important for me as i havent been able to have this level of intimacy with anybody else. .....However everytime i think about going steady with her, or making our relationship official i find myself unable to do it.......It is as if something within me doesnt let me do it.

It seems as if I am lacking some sort of attraction towards her...I told her from the beginning about this issue and the plan was to give it a try and just see what happens since we were very compatible in everything else and the basic sexual attraction was there.

I should mention that physically I believe she is very pretty but not exactly my "type" (I mean this in the way that I could tell Angelina jolie and Pam anderson are hot but they dont do it for me). This is probably part of the issue but I have been known to fall for people only based in their personality in the past regardless of their looks and was hoping for the same here...I also want to think of myself as not shallow so I was hoping this not an issue.

I also thought that I still had feelings for the ex but I know that in the time we've been dating I met at least one girl that I definitely would not have had second thoughts of being with (well more like I had a crush on her), but didnt pursue her because I wanted to see what happened with the current person I am dating.

Finally and maybe more telling I should mention that I have dated this person before (about 5 years ago) when were both in high school and that time around I did feel as if i was in love with her and we had a very passionate relationship. Somehow I am unable to replicate the feeling now.

Everytime I hear this question is something along the likes of "Oh I am not attracted to my husband/wife gf/bf and cant have sex with him/her" but in my case the sex is the amazing part of the relationship, and the friendship is better.....so I am not sure exactly what is wrong with me? It has been 8 months and i am not sure that giving it more time would make this better for the both of us....I am beginning to think that something is wrong with "me" as I really want to like her and commit to her but cannot.

Amazing relationship, no sex

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:33:53 -0800

I love my SO but I'm no longer attracted to him. I've been with my boyfriend 3 1/2 years, and we are both in our late twenties. He is intelligent, gentle and creative, and even after years together I still find myself thinking of him throughout the day, and looking forward to seeing him when I finish work. He is a remarkable person and I cannot imagine my life without him. We don't live together, but he has moved into my part of the city, so we see each other several times a week.

Over the last maybe eight months however, I have felt less and less like sex, which I originally attributed to various changes in my life - I haven't been stressed out, but I have been busier than ever before with my (new) day job and my own artistic pursuits. Being the wonderful man that he is, my boyfriend has accepted this, and we have continued to be happy together.

Unfortunately, I've slowly started to realise that my libido hasn't really changed that much - I still experience attraction to other people, still have sexual thoughts, and still masturbate about as often as I used to. The problem is that I no longer want to sleep with my boyfriend - when I look at him the love I feel is stronger than ever, but any sexual feelings are completely gone.

We had the usual whirlwind of being sex-mad when we first started seeing each other, before settling into something less intense but still very satisfying, so I know that at one point I was absolutely crazy for him in that sense. My last relationship lasted nearly 5 years but hit a similar decline at about the 3 year mark, and realising the pattern I have tried to be more adventurous in bed in order to avoid the heartache this same problem caused the first time around. I've cast the net pretty wide with the things I've tried to introduce, but I just can't seem to get the feeling back. Part of the reason my previous relationship went on so long after the sex was dead was because I thought it was a phase, and stayed expecting things to turn around, which they didn't.

To be honest, I have been tempted to cheat on him - I miss sex and part of me feels like I should be having lots of it. But I think about how much it would hurt him if he knew I even thought about doing something like that, and I know I couldn't live with myself afterwards. But how will I feel a few years down the line? The thought frightens me.
I've thought about breaking up with him too, but as much as this situation sucks for me, life without him would be so much worse. It seems so stupid to ruin an amazing relationship over sex. He is still the (both inwardly and outwardly) beautiful man I fell in love with, and while he has been nothing but supportive, I know that our diminshed sex life has been difficult for him too. This has become more and more of a big deal for me as the months have gone by, and I'm tired of feeling guilty, frustrated, deceitful.

This is not a problem I can discuss with him, so I'm hoping some wise Mefis will be able to give me some insight. Can I get that feeling back? Is there some way I can approach thinking about this that makes it easier for me to live with? How have other people dealt with this problem?

Is it possible to gain a man's attraction once it's lost?

freshsprout — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 21:43:12 -0800

Is it possible to gain a man's attraction again once it's lost? Or is it done / irreversible? This recently happened to me - where my ex broke up with me after only 1 month stating that he didn't "feel" it for me anymore. I realize I posted about this earlier (that was more about the situation) - but I want to now *understand from men*... if the attraction is lost, is it really over? There is no way to reverse the attraction?

I've read in books that it goes both ways - the attraction will never come back and men move on. But then sometimes the guy will come back begging to try it again. Can you guys explain this to me? And can you explain the logic of what a women should do if a guy doesn't feel it anymore?

Thanks.

He wants to be "friends" but still likes me? Did I kill the attraction?

freshsprout — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 14:23:29 -0800

He likes me.. says I'm cute, smart and does want to be intimate.. but doesn't want a relationship. What is wrong? I'm 30 from Ca., he's 36 originally from the UK now also in Ca. We dated intensely for 4 weeks, had an amazing time and connected very well - physically and mentally. He's even introduced me to his friends. But after having a few beers, we got intimate (did not go all the way, I did tell him I can't sleep w/ someone until I got a commitment.. maybe that was a bad idea) and a week later, he broke up with me, asking to be friends saying he didn't "feel it."

I refused to talk to him for 3 wks. After a while, I gave in as a test and he was happy to hear from me. So now we're building as "friends". But the weird thing is, he still cares for me, and has said that I'm smart, cute, everything he is looking for. We hung out at a museum last week and he never left my side, he kept looking at me and I still felt that spark. Recently he admitted that he still thought of me, even sexually but he doesn't know if he sees us long term. I don't understand?

Do other men on here understand what's going on? I'm totally lost. I thought maybe the attraction died, but apparently it hasn't? Or did it? Did I initially scare him off? We plan on talking about things this week, as I want to make this work, but I don't want to be put in a compromising position.

Thank you.

Shy vs. not interested vs. passive?

Anonymous — Sat, 31 May 2008 21:03:33 -0800

Is this guy is shy, not interested, passive, or any combination of thereof? (Long explanation provided, naturally.) [Note: I've read many threads re: actual/perceived shy boys, crushes, mixed signals, and the like, though they weren't totally applicable to this situation. Please be gentle :)]

I'm insanely attracted to a boy I met through a mutual friend a few weeks ago. Boy and I clicked almost instantaneously, as we have many shared interests and are dorky in the same way. We chatted for a few hours and discussed making each other mixtapes, though when I got up to leave he didn't ask for my number. No problem, I thought, as I was almost positive I'd see him at a party later that evening.

Boy and I see each other a handful of hours later at said party and dorkfest continues. Reciprocal disclosure of random self-details ensues. I realize I may really like Boy. We go back to his and mutual friend's apartment building and listen to music. Mutual friend goes home to her place and Boy and I sit on his couch, knees touching and talking for an hour. I suddenly tire and stand to leave. An awkward pause occurs, during which I ask for his number. He obliges, and I call him with mine.

A week passes. No Boy peeps. Dopamine-crazed, I initiate messaging regarding our dorky passions. This message tag continues for a week, during which I hint I want to hang out. He doesn't ask but keeps up the quid pro quo banter. I ask mutual friend for her insights, and she says a) he's not (to her knowledge) seeing anyone, b) he doesn't have girls over (she would know) and c) he's not gay. Mutual friend mentions she thinks Boy is flaky and has bad luck with women, though.

Yet another week later, I run into Boy with mutual friend and everything feels fine, as I'd somewhat tempered my attraction neurochemical-addled brain. We all meet for lunch next day and then go back to his and mutual friend's building. After spending some time with mutual friend, I saunter into Boy's apartment to say hello and we end up talking about shared interests, our pasts, and our personality quirks for the next 7 hours. He shares things with me he says he's never told anyone. I am blissed out. He offers to buy me ice cream. We allude to hanging out in the future. Tension is palpable. We hug and kiss cheeks goodbye with gooey eyes. My brain is officially turned to mush.

The next day, I text Boy asking him a question about our dorky passion with the intention of asking him to a relevant event a day later. He doesn't respond until event is moot. Because I didn't actually ask him to join, I play it off by saying "too bad, I think you would have liked this thing yesterday." A few days have passed without Boy peeps, and I'm not initiating further contact because I feel like he should make an effort to hang out if he does, in fact, like me.

I've gained a decent understanding of shy male behavior as I'm friends with many shy boys, so I get that they don't get it sometimes. What's killing me is that I've met a number of guys lately who ask for my number and ask me out right away. I'm not into any of them, though, because I like Boy, and I don't want to lead anyone on.

I've been doing this long enough to intuit reciprocal attraction, and my gut tells me that Boy likes me. Why, then, would he be acting like this? How to proceed, if at all?

Thank you!

Feminist commentary on female sexual preferences

Cucurbit — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:14:25 -0800

I'm interested in reading feminist commentary on female sexual preferences, especially on the near-universal (?) preference of women for taller and older men. What does the range of opinions within feminism look like, and what books or articles or essays ought I search for? Suggestions for materials that respond to feminist perspectives on this topic are also welcome.

The Rules of Attraction

Anonymous — Sun, 04 May 2008 12:05:53 -0800

Should I end things with a girl I've started dating who I like a lot, but whose body doesn't turn me on? I'm a 23 year old male and she is a 21 year old female. I've been on about four dates with her which have all gone very well. I like her a lot and she seems to feel the same way. I'd been on dates with a few other girls of late and I didn't click with any of them the way I clicked with this girl.

I think she has a very pretty face and I enjoy making out with her. The problem is that I don't feel very attracted to her body. She isn't fat but she's on the soft or slightly pudgy side, and I suppose I'm into more of an athletic body type. I'm a very lean guy myself.

On our last date we ended up making out and touching naked in my bed and I just wasn't very turned on. So I went down on her which she seemed to enjoy and after that we just cuddled and made out some more and she left at the end of the night. We didn't really discuss it, but I asked her if she expected to have sex with me and she said she was hoping she could wait as she tends to have sex with men very quickly. So I guess that's why she seemed fine with it and there was no awkwardness. I, however, had hoped before the date that we were going to have sex, but then I didn't get an erection and I felt bad. I was buzzed but not drunk and I didn't feel particularly nervous at the time, although I had been a little worried that this is exactly what would happen.

I've only had sex with one person and I experienced very similar issues with her. We were in a years-long relationship in college, I cared for her very deeply, but had trouble being turned on by her physically. We stayed together and eventually had a decent sex life, but it was never adventurous or totally fulfilling for either of us. I know that I'm into women and I don't think there's anything wrong with me physically. I have some kinks that I think are unusual but I feel like I can get turned on without them and that I shouldn't bring them up at the start of a relationship.

So should I break it off now, or give it another try? What should I say to her? I feel like this is embarrassing for me and potentially moreso for her and it makes me feel awful. Is it weird that I seemingly can't get aroused by a woman unless she's just right physically? Should I not let things get to this point with a woman in the future if I feel like this might happen? Am I a shallow bastard?

Throwaway e-mail address if you need it: luisborges.jorge AT gmail

How can I get over my fear of hurting others?

specialfriend — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 12:54:53 -0800

In relationships, I'm very, very afraid of the possibility having to break up and hurting the other person. DTMFA threads like this make me want to hide under my bed. I often don't get into relationships or pre-emptively end relationships quickly -- even if things are going great -- if I can imagine a time in the future when things won't work out. The fear makes it hard for me to know myself how I really feel. So my question to you all: can you give me advice -- maybe links to psychological studies or just from your own life experiences-- on how someone can know if a relationship is worth pursuing. Not looking for guarantees of eternal happiness and marriage, just the knowledge that even if things don't work out, I'm pursing the relationship in good faith... and not being an asshole. I'm 29, straight, male, and my longest relationship was 4 months... 3 of those months wondering if I should just "end it now". In my past 2 relationships, we never had sex because I knew I would feel like a terrible person if we did and then things didn't work out.

The only times I've been able to feel sure in my feelings for someone was when it was clear that they weren't that into me... because the danger of potentially hurting them was removed.

This is a fairly deep-seated fear, so if your advice is just "you can't worry about things like that", I'd appreciate your best effort to convince me.

Generating attraction

philosophygeek — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:35:34 -0800

I am a 26-year old straight male, and I do not seem to inspire attraction by women. While I am generally liked and appreciated as a friend, I am consistently told by women that they are not interested in me romantically. What can I do to change this? I posted previously about my lack of dating experience and my desire to begin dating. Since then, I have attempted asking out a number of women I know through various social groups. However, all of them have told me that they did not find me romantically interesting. While this set of attempts is a relatively small sample (n=3), I have consistently heard the same thing in the past when I have tried to date previously. I am concerned that I might be doing something wrong so that women are not seeing me as a potential romantic interest.

To be clear, I have a number of female friends, all of whom tell me that I am not ugly, do not act in bizarre ways, etc. I have a number of hobbies and activities, am a generally interesting person, and am a good friend. Given the length of time that I have been unsuccessful in dating, I am disinclined to attribute my difficulties to a series of "bad breaks," and advice along the lines of "it'll happen when the time is right" tends to be frustrating because I already feel extraordinarily behind socially.

Looking for an alternative to Nerve Magazine

haasim — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 20:56:24 -0800

I am looking for a magazine that would be interested in a story I've written about being in love without sexual attraction. Nerve is the only magazine that I can think of, but from the looks of things, I doubt they accept anything from writers outside of sunny California. My story isn't sexual explicit, but I don't think a mainstream/family-friendly publication would be interested in this. Does anyone have any suggestions for a Nerve-esque magazine (or zine) that accepts non-fiction that isn't supposed to make you horny?