Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with attitude

Drop her like she's hot?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:51:37 -0800

What do I say to my friend about her bad attitude? I have this friend, I'll call her Sandy. Sandy and I met in my city a few years ago, through a specific local arts community. Sandy is avidly interested in this art form, and while she occasionally takes lessons in the subject, she mostly resides within the community as a sort of enthusiast. Sandy can be a very thoughtful, interesting person when she wants to be. The problem comes when Sandy's bad attitude turns up, as it inevitably does.

Sandy will be oddly antisocial when we go to functions, only interacting with the very short list of people she likes. She openly criticizes many artists in the community, their work/philosophies, etc. When debating the merits of one school of thought or another, Sandy has a terrible habit of throwing out "names" she knows and being quite arrogant about it. She is sycophantic to those who are known on a national level and has made some good connections doing so. She makes the point often that our local community is a "joke" compared with [other city] where many of her successful friends work. She will claim that some perfectly nice people have tried to "burn her" because they are jealous of her connections. She also gets great deal of pleasure in one-upping people on her knowledge of the art form, especially in a public space.

Certainly insecurity is an issue here. I am aware that she is nervous to spread her own wings artistically and have been very encouraging of her pursuing it further. I believe she falls back on her years as a semi-insider within the community as a way to earn her props. As I mentioned, she does have genuinely redeeming qualities, but overall l am frustrated.

I feel for her on many levels, as she is the perfect example of someone who is artistically blocked/fearful. I haven't said anything to her about it yet, but it's coming. She occasionally gets mad at me due to some small perceived slight (ie: not returning a call right away), or we might argue over her often irrational views of peoples' character/motivations. I don't want to pick friends based off public perception, but I think that going out with her socially may hinder my ability to make and keep relationships within the community.

Is there a way to give someone feedback about this behavior, in productive manner? Is it a waste to even try? I do value the parts of the friendship when we are bonding over our shared passion and I think that she does deserve a good friend, particularly if it helps her grow out of her bitterness. I don't shy away from ending relationships if there are no redeeming parts left, but I am hoping there might be some way to salvage this. Thoughts?

Doing well at a job I'm overqualified for

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:29:11 -0800

What can I do to thrive and forward my career in a job I am overqualified for? I'm about to start a job that I am overqualified for. Mind you, this isn't just my opinion - between the time I applied and when I was offered the position, the position was actually re-listed at a lower level. I have a decade of experience and an advanced degree in my field, while the position requires a bachelor's degree and 2-3 years of experience.

I took the job for a few reasons:

- The firm is well-respected, progressive and offers good opportunities for advancement.
- I would be getting in on the ground floor of a new project, so there should be lots of opportunities to prove myself and take on higher level responsibilities.
- I've been unemployed for the better part of a year: a bird in the hand, etc.
- I'm personally excited about working on this project for this firm - I think it has the potential to be very personally rewarding.

Despite all these great reasons to take the job, I am a bit concerned about the realities of working in a job I'm overqualified for. For instance, I'm worried that I'll get bored with my assignments, especially at the beginning, and that this will negatively affect my work. I'm worried that if I spend too much time on tasks that are fairly easy for me, I'll become stagnant in my career. At the same time, I don't want to be that annoying new person who thinks they're too good for the grunt work. How do I balance all this?

And then there's the ego issue. I wish this weren't a factor, but I'm only human, and there's a small part of me that feels like a bit of a failure for taking a job that I probably could have gotten five years ago. But I know this isn't my boss's fault, and I want to do everything I can to keep this from becoming a bad work attitude.

Granted, this is a better problem to have then "crap, my unemployment benefits are about to run out." I'm really grateful to finally have a job after months of unemployment, in this crappy economy, and I want to do the best job I can. So hive mind, do any of you have experience with this, either from my position, or from the POV of being a boss to someone in my position? Please share your wisdom.

Email for follow-up questions, or if you want to share advice privately: askmethrowawaywastaken@gmail.com

I don't want your drama, miss thing.

wild like kudzu — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 20:16:52 -0800

So, I've been promoted at work and everything is going swimmingly except for some difficult interpersonal stuff with a few coworkers. I need help to decide how to handle these situations... Okay, so I work in a restaurant. I was a hostess, and after about a year of that I've been upped to server status. The transition is pretty smooth considering how well I already know the restaurant, staff and menu. I've made very few mistakes, and none have been more serious than needing to get an item comped off a receipt. My bosses are pleased and are looking to give me more shifts, and customers have already been asking to speak with my managers to tell them what a great job I was doing.

Though I am working very hard and trying my best to do right by the restaurant, the staff, my bosses and clientele, a few of my coworkers have not been completely nice to me.

Today for example, I ordered food from the bar to munch on during my shift. Someone had told me recently that there was only a certain time frame during which eating is okay, but today I forgot. The bartender neglected to inform me, and given that everybody else eats up there all the time, I didn't think anything of it. Later, though, my coworker approached me and asked whether I had ordered the food. I replied that I had a while ago, but I had gotten busy so I hadn't eaten any of it. She rolled her eyes at me and brushed past me, shaking her head. I really didn't know what she was upset about until a few minutes later when she told me I'm not supposed to order food or eat during the shift. Okay, I said, I'm sorry I just forgot. A few minutes later my manager came up to lecture me about it, I admitted my fault and apologized again. I know that #1, this coworker obviously went and told my boss, #2 nobody else really cared, and my manager was not upset at all, and #3, I promptly threw out the food once I realized my mistake.

But here's the thing-- I am really not difficult to approach. I try to do extra nice things just to be nice to my coworkers by helping them with their tables, covering shifts last minute, being respectful to my bosses, thanking them for any and all help and apologizing for any mistake or inconvenience I cause. All it would have taken was a brief "Oh, hey, don't forget we're not supposed to eat during this time" and I would have said "Oh right! Sorry" and that would have been all... instead I felt she gave me attitude and tried to get me in trouble. That bothers me.

Also, throughout the night her interactions with me had a distinct superior vibe to them which really got under my skin. At the end of the night when I was doing my closing sidework she said I had done a "half-ass" job and that she would let it slide this time, but not next time. She told me I needed to clean the wall behind the bus tubs, so I began to take the tubs off of the rack when she grabbed them out of my hands and said "I said it was fine this time!" loudly in my face. To prevent any further drama, I put the tubs back, turned around, walked away, finished my work and left for home.

As I was driving home I was so furious, but then the frustration gave way to tears. So what do I do, hivemind? I'm slightly frustrated with myself for not standing up to her and demanding decent treatment, but now that I'm home I feel that texting/calling/emailing her would be inappropriate. Now I'm wondering if perhaps I should confront her (nicely of course, I try very hard not to be snarky or mean) and telling her "I really don't appreciate the way you spoke to me on Sunday, I'm always open to constructive criticism but I respectfully ask that you tell me these things nicely. I want to do a good job, and I respect that you have been here for longer and know what you're doing, so please, if you must correct me, do so nicely." This would probably go down the next time we work together which will be Wednesday or Thursday.

Or perhaps I should let it go this time, let it roll off my back as some stupid drama that really doesn't matter at all in the end. If I do that, though, I want to be sure that I'm prepared for these situations to occur again and have a plan for how to handle them. I didn't involve the manager, I didn't even confront her about her snarkiness, I simply let it go and tried to strike up a regular conversation with her later in the evening. It worked okay, but what would you advise for me to do next time?

Sometimes a few of my coworkers look at me as if I'm stupid when I ask a question. I'm of the mindset that I'd rather ask if I'm unsure of something than to just improvise and then deal with the repercussions of inevitable mistakes, but I am getting really tired of this holier-than-thou attitude. Should I confront the servers? Should I involve my manager? Should I let it slide?

It's probably worth noting that I'm in school, and that this job is merely a stepping stone for me towards bigger and better things. I'm going to have a real job one day, but for now it's whatever I can do to pay the bills. I very much want to do a good job, and I take a lot of pride in my restaurant. I want to prove to my managers that I am capable of behaving appropriately when faced with difficult circumstances. How can I best achieve this?

Thanks in advance :)

Can circumstances change attitude?

CollectiveMind — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 05:12:19 -0800

Can someone who seems embittered by their experiences with the world in general, and with people, institutions, religion and relationships in particular, improve their view with a change in circumstances? Or, is how they handle the feelings from those experiences more about character, with a change in location or fortunes not having much long-term emotional effect? I was going to give an long explanation of what I know of a friend person's history. Over the years, me and other have seen their attitude worsen as their own fortunes have changes. But I realized explaining the context might not be that necessary since I think the questions is pretty straightforward. If the responses indicate context is needed, I'll add it.

So, again, is there any thinking or research that answers the question, in general, of whether changes in scenery or circumstances help people become better, happier selves, or can negative experiences in life twist people to where they are permanently unable or unwilling to be more accepting of or optimistic in the world?

Changing someones attitude

deeman — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 05:51:41 -0800

My girlfriend is a negative person. Either she changes her attitude or I'm going to leave her. I've dated my girlfriend for about 3 years and I love her very much. I'm generally a very positive person, shes generally a negative person. She has a great sense of humor, is very nurturing, and we have a great relationship. Although our attitudes differ and we do get into bickering matches, we overall have a great relationship.

She graduated last may and is going to grad school this fall and I've been out of college for 3 years. I'm a little older and a little wiser (hopefully), and I'm at a time in my life where I want to start setting goals and ridding myself of all negative influences.

Some days shes in a great mood and has a lot of energy, but most of the time she's tired and can be draining to be with. I guess you could classify her as an "energy vampire". However, she's really brought a lot to my life and has helped me out of some tough spots. If it was some girl I had just met, I'd probably leave her but after three years she's become a huge part of my life.

I know this sounds like the usual "guy over-reacting" or "nice guy is dating a bitch" story but I'd really like her to change her outlook on life and her attitude because I care about her so much. Is there a way I can move her into the "light" and change her way of thinking? Is this even possible? Should I even bother or just move on to find a girl that has the same positive outlook on life that I do?

Sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:49:07 -0800

How to deal with a bad aesthetic environment whilst bringing up a child. To cut a long story short, I am married and father of a 2 year old baby girl. Both me and my wife are degree educated and were both privately educated. Unfortunately both of our families circumstances took a turn for the worse and whilst our peers have been assisted with house deposits and the like, we are struggling and now both supporting our parents as opposed to the other way round. I am not looking for sympathy but trying to explain the background to our present circumstance. We are living in a relatively run down part of town and whilst we both work, those surrounding us invariably do not. We both suffer from mild depression and are sensitive to our environment. Some people do not seem to notice the impact that living in a run down location has. We go to sleep to the sound of police sirens, I have been accosted by prostitutes on my walk home (though couldn’t bear to tell my wife) and am offered drugs and/or pan handled with alarming alacrity. As father figure, it breaks my heart that we are brining up our daughter in such an environment though I am doing everything within my power to try and get us out of this situation (disciplined financial budget, no credit cards, no mortgage). I am well aware that many have it worse but to be told that I should just be grateful for what we’ve got does not cut it. I know that as long as our daughter is loved that she is too young to pick up on the environment but I feel terrible. As I’m sure any of you who are parents know, you want to mollycoddle your offspring and protect them from the world.

What I am looking for is practical advice, especially from anyone who has been in a similar situation, as to how you make the best of living in such an environment.

I doubt it...

Hands of Manos — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 08:18:44 -0800

How can I be less cynical? With each year that I get older, I get a little more cynical. I can't even watch TV without spitting nails with all the product placement, I hate most movies, I lost faith in the God I was raised to believe in as a child and I find very little joy in most things now a days.

My wife is pissed because I'm so negative and doubtful of everything. She'd like to see me a happier. I've been the counselor route before but most don't understand me so I want to explore other ways to be less cynical (I'm open to books - I love to read)

So does anyone have a way I can start to change my attitude, accept the fact that around every corner someone is going to try to sell me something and maybe restore some faith in *something* (I'll take humanity since I've pretty much given up on a god).

How to be grateful but to no one

lahersedor — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 05:39:40 -0800

Can one be grateful without any recipient ? I was trying to calm down a friend who is angry with her life, the economy, her job and everything else. I advised her to show some gratitude for other positives in her life and she kept asking "to whom". (She is an atheist if it makes any difference).

Why do surgeons have attitude?

Robert Angelo — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 15:35:29 -0800

Why do surgeons have "attitude?" I know the question relies on a cliche: The all-knowing, all-powerful, god-complex surgeon who lords it over patients and other members of the medical community. You see them on TV and sometimes encounter them in person. And of course this is not true of all surgeons, perhaps not of most, perhaps even of just a minority.

To the extent that there is a grain of truth to the cliche, why are some surgeons like that? Is it a result of their training? Or a lack of empathy? Or does the profession simply draw those who are more self-confident or ego-driven? Is there a generational change between older and younger surgeons? Are there studies of surgeons attitudes and manner, as perceived by patients? And if so, have those studies caused any change in the training of surgeons?

(And my apologies to any offended surgeons out there: Of course you aren't the one I'm asking about. And my sympathies to patients who have encountered one of these...)

How did you turn your life around?

DarkForest — Sun, 13 May 2007 19:55:57 -0800

How did you turn your life around? I'm looking for inspiring stories and general patterns. Be as philosophical or as specific as you like. I'm not looking for things like giving up drug/drink/abusive mate; those don't apply in my case. I'm also not looking to find religion, except perhaps in some metaphorical sense like finding a mission in life.

Closer to it might be your attitude toward life and people, liking life and facing the stuff that happens everyday. Changing from wanting to stay in bed to being one of those people who can't wait to get their day started.

How did you do it? What really worked for you?

Thanks.

How to be impervious to the suck of people. Suggestions?

iamkimiam — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 15:27:29 -0800

How to be impervious to the suck of people. Suggestions? I find myself to be a pretty joyful person. I get down like the best of 'em, and I'm not perfect, but I think overall I'm pretty optimistic, realistic, and happy. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay that way. I'm looking for suggestions on how to maintain and cultivate more of a silly, joyful attitude...especially in the face of so many people around me who tend to want to bring others down, unintentionally or not. It's getting really hard to stay realistic about the facts of life, and not become jaded.

One thing that has contributed to this increasingly cautious outlook lately are lots of stories and information I've learned about men who are unfaithful. I know women cheat too, but that doesn't necessarily effect me directly. I don't want to start a war here—I'm not attempting to make any claims about whether men cheat more than women, blah, blah, blah! I love men, and would like to eventually find one that is as awesome and joyful as I think I am. How do I keep up my trust (and not blindly so), when it turns out that ~95% of the men I know cheat? These are otherwise fantastic men (IMO). While this is bothersome, I am using this as one type of example that chips away at my happy, go-lucky attitude.

I'm getting a bit discouraged here. I'd like to hear suggestions and stories of how the hive stays happy and peaceful. How do you all just let it roll off? How do you disregard negative examples and bad behavior, and focus on/find the positive ones?

Disclaimers: I have had a lot of hardships and hurts, just like you all. IANADoctor/Lawyer. I have a healthy social network (small, but meaningful). I attend a lot of social events. I exercise regularly and eat well.I am not depressed. I'd like to keep it that way. :-)

Getting a positive winning attitude through music and movies

dropkick — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 18:34:42 -0800

Keep your eyes on the prize. Never give up. Fight until the end. This is the kind of positive message I'm looking for in music and in movies, and I'm asking for recommendations from the hivemind Specifically, the kind of music I listen to is alt/rock/metal but I'll listen to rap as long as there's a no "N" word or swearing. Same goes for movies: I'm looking for inspirational family movies like "Remember the Titans" and Rocky which convey a strong message of winning.

Help me adjust my uncompromising attitude

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Jan 2005 10:55:23 -0800

I need help with attitude adjustment. I have trouble making compromises, it is usually all or nothing for me, especially when it is something important. As a result I often hurt the ones I love the most because of this flaw in me. I have tried to find ways to focus on what is more important, the love of the other person over having things my way. I know I cherish the love more, yet I can not seem to make compromises. How do I change this?