Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with attention

clingy women rule?

TheOtherSide — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:37:54 -0800

Is it possible to persuade my new girlfriend to be more clingy? Yeah, I know, strange... So, I've been dating this new girl, and she's completely wonderful. I really can't find anything wrong with her, except for one thing: she's stoic and non affectionate.

Over the last couple years I've dated a number of women in their late 20s through mid 30s. Some of these relationships have lasted a few dates, and some have lasted several months. In the end they have always ended because of some lack of compatibility.

This new women I'm dating is completely awesome, in every way. There's nothing that I find incompatible with. We have the same interests, the same values, similar goals. We have a great love life and have a lot of fun together. Her personality balances out mine very well.

But, she's completely independent and doesn't seem to have any need for me. She'll go for days without contacting me. Sometimes I don't think she's interested in me at all. When I ask her about it, she always says that I am everything that she needs, and she's not interested in anyone else. Then I feel awkward for even bringing it up.

I guess this woman is completely different from every other woman I've dated. Typically when there's chemistry, the woman in my life will show me what she wants often and intensely. She will try to be in contact with me, and she'll want to know about my life, and she'll give me a lot of attention. This new girlfriend, she doesn't do any of that. I usually dislike overly-clingy women, but now I'm missing it. I just want this woman to show some affection toward me and to give me more attention. I want her to talk about me to her friends. I want her to seem like she cares.

Is she lying to me? If she's not, is it possible to get her to show me more? Should I write off this relationship entirely? Help

Looking for attention in all the wrong places

dentro — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:36:34 -0800

Why would a woman be jealous of the attention her girlfriends receive from their significant others? There is an answer, but the issue has formed a pattern in my life that I fear is getting out of control! I would appreciate anyone who could take the time to help me out by reading more...:) Hello all!

First a little about how this all began...

I am a single woman in her early twenties, currently studying and living on my own.

A few years ago, while I was still living with my family, I met my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. I had just gotten back from travelling so I was not there to see their blossoming "love" from the beginning.

My best friend and I are two people who have the potential to be at the same level, but because of my catastrophically low self esteem, and because we each grew up so different, it could never be so.
Up to this point in our friendship, I've always felt like I was batman's confidant.

Getting to the point...

When I met her boyfriend, I thought he was great.
Sweet, smart, successful (for his age). It was pathetic.
I began to think how unfortunate it was that I hadn't met him before she did! He appeared to be perfect in every way.

One thing that wasn't perfect of course was their relationship. This was his first serious one, and my friend was mentally abusing the crap out of him. She had just been in and out of getting her heart broken by someone else, and this new perfect boyfriend of hers was a new toy.

They fought day in, day out. THE FIRST FEW MONTHS of that relationship.

Their constant bickering could only remind me of why I chose to be single in the first place. It brought back unpleasant memories of old boyfriends and our old quarrels, it made me feel awful. I didn't want her to experience this pain that I had, and I knew she didn't feel that deeply for him.

THAT was another thing that got me super angry. Why are you with such a great guy when you can't even love him? How is he for you when you are just confusing your attachment to him with love?

(I know that I may sound evil and over dramatic. I don't feel good about it!)

I still remember how she was telling me about a fight they had and it was one of the first times she threatened to break up with him. She told me how it made him break down and cry and beg for her not to leave him. She felt bad for making him cry, but I could see that as much as she cared for him- she did not LOVE him.

After telling me about this, I recommended that she break up with him, to save each of them any future pain. He loves her, she doesn't love him- How is that fair?

They stayed together of course.

After a while I realized he had began to act weird around me, and after a group confrontation I found out that she told him what I said and they both suspected that I had a crush on him and was trying to break them up.

Truth is, I did kind of like him, as you can read! But I ALSO really cared for my friend and didn't want to see her tear things apart with someone she didn't love, even though she thought it was all fine and worth it because he was so "perfect."
I wasn't trying to break them up in any other way aside from giving that piece of advice, as much I had a little crush on him- she's my friend. I kept things kosher, yo.
Still, things were never the same for us.

I could never hang out with them again without it being awkward. Because her and I were so close, he had to deal with me and I with him on almost a daily basis.
I tried to confront him and apologize but he didn't want to hear it.
A lot of unfriendly words were exchanged, etc.
Anger and jealousy and trust issues between my friend and I went down because I had not made a very convincing case against not liking him and all. :-/

I should have spent less time with them, but because I felt guilty I tried to sustain our friendship as much as I could through being around her all the time (and he was always there).
I should have thought of myself first, and just kept my distance.

And yes, I noticed that I wanted to squirm every time they would show any public displays of affection. And it did pull at my heart strings a little.

This had been going on for the past few years, I suspect that after it happened I began to feel funny around couples. As though I subconsciously like the boyfriend of my friend and want him even if he may not be my type, even if he is a complete moron. I still want him or his attention for something. But specifically if he is a good catch, since I suppose it all comes back to the memory of my best friend and her "perfect" man.

It freaked me out recently because I started to three wheel with several other girlfriends, and I always get uncomfortable when they get too intimate with one another around me (even in simple conversation with one another in front of me).

I get kind of disappointed when I don't catch the guy looking at me, or purposely starting conversation to get to know me, or pay extra attention to me. You get the picture (Once again, I am not proud of any of this).

I went out with another good friend of mine and her guy for the first time recently, and while driving, I found something of interest in common with her guy. She decided to be funny by expressing jealousy and telling him, "Nooo! you don't like that, you like what I like!"
It was just a joke, but I swear my heart stopped.

I felt a series of nervous and familiar thoughts come into play. "Do i like this guy? why am I mentioning that I like what he likes? Next time I will just keep my mouth shut. I don't like anything. but I want to, I want him to like me!"
I continued to act kinda weird and faked fatigue later in the night to run on home sooner.

I do not want to lose friends over this.
I am dating someone that I like right now and it is going really well, though I still feel these unpleasant feelings. I just shouldn't three-wheel anymore.

If you have read this far ahead, thank you.
I appreciate it whether you hate me by this point, don't give a damn, or sympathize with me. It doesn't matter.

Writing all this down was therapeutic enough.
But boy, I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to hear a few words of advice on how to battle this!

- D

dealing with unwanted attention

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:52:22 -0800

I tried to do someone a favor, it backfired and now I cannot get rid of them. How can I make it stop? unwantedattentionfilter. I am a guy. A couple of years ago I reached out to an ex-coworker (female) who had lost her job. Invited her to live at my place so she could look for another job. I thought what the hell , I could use some help with the rent once she got back on her feet. It didn't happen. I changed my mind about the whole thing soon after. Several months passed. She began persistently emailing and calling as if infatuated. I started ignoring her communications but they just kept coming. I've taken every approach I know of to dissuade such behavior, indirectly through her friends, writing back plainly stating there was never any romantic intent to begin, you name it I did it. But soon realised this had no effect. A total blackout , ignoring campaign on my part followed. The emails and phone calls kept coming. It's as if this person has no pride or shame whatsoever and doesn't follow the rules of normal social contact. All my friends know about this and are bewildered. they give her a wide berth themselves. They cannot figure her out either and are at a loss as to what to do. I understand that people get lonely but this is beyond ridiculous. I never want to hear from this person again. (And that's something I've heard other people who know this person say about that person). Help MeFi , I feel hounded. What can I do to stop this once and for all?

sexual harassment and unwanted attention abroad

acidic — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:13:06 -0800

How can I, a young woman in a foreign country, stop men on the street from harassing me, or from paying me so much attention? I'm currently traveling through the Balkans, and I'm having a hell of a time dealing with sexual harassment. I'm a young woman of mixed (clearly foreign) ethnicity, and I'm constantly fending off romantic advances (no, I don't want to run away with you to Montenegro), and men have tried to grope me on the bus more times than I can count. Plus, since I'm traveling alone I attract attention for that reason. When I walk around, I feel as every eye is on me-- some stares hostile, some sexual, but all unwavering. I understand that this is to be expected, and there's nothing I can do to change my appearance or situation, but I'm getting really sick and tired of all the extra attention. How should I act so that I minimize attention, and what can I do when people are pissing me off, if I can't tell them off in my own language and don't want to make trouble in a foreign country?

Note: of course this is a problem even in one's home country but I think I'm being noticed because I am a foreign woman. The countries where I've had problems are Serbia and particularly Albania, and I'm going to Istanbul now (don't know how that will be). My wardrobe options are limited, but would it make a difference to wear shorts instead of dresses or skirts? I figure my legs are showing regardless..

How can I tell if I really want to date somebody, or I just want their attention?

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 15:29:00 -0800

How can I tell if I really want to date somebody, or I just want their attention? [i apologize for rambling, inside] Seems like a simple question. "If you wanted to date them, you would." My last relationship was all getting together-breaking up, repeat, because when I started dating that girl, I'm pretty sure I didn't really want to. I was just extremely lonely from having not had anyone in my life for so long. In the end, I still felt awful breaking up with her... surely we must have had some kind of bond by then, but 2 months after the last break up, I was pretty much ok.

Now I feel like I'm in a similar situation - I do like this girl, but for the first couple months I knew her, wasn't really attracted to her. Purposely tried to not spend a whole lot of time with her, and did not do one thing to mislead her into thinking I wanted anything but platonic stuff. No touchy feely, not lots of solo dates. After about 3 months of seeing her on and off at social things, mostly in groups, she told me she had a crush on me. I waved her off and stuck with the 'just friends for now' thing. However, about 3 months after that, I started spending more and more time with her when my health took a dive. I had been depressed from the health stuff, and umotivated to do alot on my own, proactively, so she kept contacting me saying "let's do this or that", and it was way preferable to hang out with her and do stuff than to sit at home and not want to do solo things.

My health stuff has been scanned and gone over with a lot of detail, and I'm getting that taken care of as best I can. Apparently this stuff going on for so many months and not getting a decent diagnosis has been taking a toll, since my sleep started getting erratic for the first time in my life, ever. Bad enough that I went to do a sleep study, and seek psychiatric assistance. I am not currently on any medication and don't have a history of needing much in that arena, although I come from a typically nervous line of folks in my family. : )

But a few weeks ago, after we hung out again, we finally did some light physical stuff, after which we both just went home to our respective beds. In the middle of the night I woke up super anxious and feeling extremely guilty that I had even alllowed that to occur.

Now while I realize I probably need therapy (been on the hunt for decent therapist for a while now, seen a few) about health stuff and whatnot, to me that was a clear sign that some part of me does not want to date her because it does not feel 'right'.

Since that occurred, and we talked about this, it is clear she is finally starting to reduce attention she gives me and not proactively contact me so much, even though she clearly still wants to be friends. I don't see how it can be easy for her, having given me so many chances to take the reigns, so to speak, and finally this.

Anyway, now that her spotlight on me, so to speak, is receding, I am having that awful anxious feeling you get like when somebody breaks up with you, and you don't want them to date somebody else - even though we have never actually 'dated'.

I want to say I feel like the problem is that I am in a bad place emotionally right now, and that I need SOMebody, and not her in particular, but I am not certain. The two of us discussed this and I told her (maybe stupidly?) that I really wanted to be able to say I wanted to date HER, and not just her because she is around and available.

I realize there's a ton of people that would say "stop overanalyzing, dumbass, and give it a shot", but I am wary of repeating the last dating experience I had. I have dated someone before where I felt really certain of it and good from the get go, and while that did not last, it did last 6 years! So, it seems like a bad idea to start something when you don't even feel right about a person to start with, no?

Vote yea or nay in the comments, please, MeFites, and why. Yeah I know I have to decide for myself, but I really seem stuck here.

My mind wanders too much. What's worked for you to make it stop?

jabronimus — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 14:10:15 -0800

My mind wanders too much. What's worked for you to make it stop? Hi everyone:

So, the question I posted above pretty much sums up my situation - my mind wanders too much, and I want to hear from other people who've had this same problem what they did about it and how they overcame it.

So, some background about me: I'm currently a 3rd year medical student at a fairly prestigious American medical school. All my life, I've been told I was smart - for elementary and middle school, I went to a private school where I was the top of my class, went to a "gifted" high school, and then went to a pretty good university for my undergraduate education. And now, I'm in medical school. So, I'm fairly confident that intelligence is not my issue.

However, I started to notice in middle school that I was having a hard time paying attention in class. I didn't have any trouble in my science and math classes, but I had a really hard time in my english/history/social sciences/foreign languages classes. I somehow did well in most of my classes (even the ones I had difficulty with), but this was a problem that carried on into my high school and college years.

So now, I'm in medical school, and believe me, it has been hell. There's so much to memorize, and my brain just seems to refuse to work with me. The problem got so bad that a year ago, I went to a psychiatrist who gave me a diagnosis of attention deficit, and gave me medications to help with my attention.

So, what's my problem? My problem is that the medications make me feel really sick, such as giving me a lot of unpleasant abdominal side effects. Plus, the medications don't help me concentrate that much, and they make me really anxious and depressed.

Plus, I kinda don't think I have an actual, clinically diagnosable case of attention deficit. The rate of attention deficit in the country is supposed to be something like 5%, so I really think it's doubtful that I would have been able to get as far as I have with a clinically diagnosable case of this disease. I think it's much more likely that I skated by on my intelligence for as long as I could while putting out a minimum amount of effort - and believed that it was "fine" for me to do so because everyone around me was telling me how smart I was. (If I'm smart, then I don't have to work hard, right?) I feel like I've never trained myself to concentrate as a person in my position needs to, since I've believed for so long that a person who's "smart" shouldn't have to work hard. (I also kinda believe that our technologically immersed culture has contributed strongly to the preponderance of attention deficit cases that we hear about these days, and I think that I'm no exception to that.)

So, back to the crux of the matter: has anyone else out there found any non-pharmacologic techniques to deal with this same problem? And if so, what were they? I've read a few good things about meditation (read carefully - that's meditation, NOT medication), which I've started to do a little of (even though I don't really know HOW to meditate). I figure that if Buddhist monks can train themselves to concentrate so intensely through this technique, then maybe it can work for me in some little way as well. But, I'm looking for any advice anyone can give to help me with this issue.

Thanks in advance, guys and gals!

How long is the average attention span?

cranberrymonger — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:44:38 -0800

What is considered a reasonable amount of time to be able to concentrate on one task? My job requires a lot of multi-tasking and I find it easy to quickly switch from one short task to another. Since working this job full-time for 18 months, I find it more difficult than ever to concentrate for extended periods of time.

Though I can read fiction for hours, I've always had difficulties focusing on anything 'mandatory' and I'm presently taking a course with a lot of readings. The articles are 20 + pages long and moderately dense - about average for most liberal arts degree type articles.

I read this thread which has a ton of great ideas about improving attention span but I want to know what I can reasonably expect of myself. I've heard people say they spend hours in the library reading and studying textbooks. Are they exaggerating? Are they reading every word? How long is the average attention span? How much time can I expect to devote to studying?

The interweb killed my attention span.

pseudostrabismus — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:41:51 -0800

I have the attention span of a gnat. I find it incredibly difficult to get any meaningful work done. I seriously cannot even get up from writing simply to change a CD without being distracted by something shiny and then falling into a two-hour timewarp and then I look up and it's 5pm and instead of working I'm brushing my cat and I still haven't even changed the damn CD, and nothing gets done.

I think my attention span fell apart for three reasons:

1. I went freelance and now have less external structure to keep me productive.

2. I got a laptop and now spend about 6 hours a day online, sometimes working, but more often clicking around the internet. The ability to keep switching my focus by clicking to a new page seems to have trained me to change mental channels constantly, and drastically shortened my tolerance for boredom. I read an assload of stuff online, and can easily get focussed on something interesting, but if it's boring... NEXT.

3. The work I do now is much harder than the old work.
I did okay when a prof or boss would give me an assignment and a deadline. I could just cough something up, revise it, and get it in on time and reasonably well-done, without caring too much. All my writing was a re-explanation of something I already knew or had just researched, no problem- there's pretty much a "right answer" for that kind of work, and the job is just to write the right answer with some finesse. That I can still do.

But now I'm trying to shift my work, so that I mostly write fictional things that I have to generate myself. There are so many possibilities, none are right or wrong, and just considering the ideas daunts me, let alone writing iterations of those choices. And I really want my writing to be perfect, so the easiest way to do that, obviously, is to procrastinate. There's no deadline, no accountability, and the work itself isn't fun. Sure, the reward of "having written something" is great, but the process of "writing something" kicks my ass.

This is the real problem, I think; how to kill the brain-imps who would rather I have a sparkling clean apartment and an unwritten screenplay forever?

I've read articles on many major productivity websites and the GTD book. They didn't really help. I would rather not go on prescription stimulants (even though I probably do have ADD). I have no substance abuse problems and I'm in excellent health.

So far, the best I can do is earplugs + coffee + a very granulated to-do list + a timer set for short increments of time (10 minutes) to keep me on-track in bite-sized amounts. Those work OK, but there must be more good tricks where they came from.

So hive, what do you do? How do you motivate yourself to work on rewarding long-term projects that are boring in the short-term? How do you avoid the sugar-high that is MeFi and the rest of the web, and focus on the insoluble fibre that is your pet project? How did you train yourself to have discipline?

Thanks.

Is my vegan diet causing memory and focus problems?

davathar — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:22:22 -0800

My diet is almost totally vegan. I can no longer think straight and my memory is getting worse all the time. I'm struggling to regain mental clarity and control. I'm not willing to give up veganism. But I need solutions. For the last three years I've been practicing a vegetarian diet that is almost totally vegan. I occasionally eat dairy and egg products when other people cook for me as a concession to the difficulty of cooking vegan without experience. That, and I love cheese.

My decision to practice a mostly vegan lifestyle is morally motivated by my feelings about animal treatment. So I don't plan to ever go back to eating meat or fish of any kind. And more and more I'm cutting out dairy and eggs as I prepare more meals at home and seek out vegan friendly restaurants.

The problem is that I've noticed that my mood, mental clarity, and energy levels are poor these last few years. And I noticed the same thing when I was vegetarian about 10 years ago, but my diet was quite loaded with bread and cheese back then, so I figured that accounted for it.

I can read the same paragraph 5 or 10 times before realizing that my mind was elsewhere the whole time and I don't remember what I've read for the last few pages. The feeling that comes with this is the same thing all day long in all activities. My days end up being like a scattered random series of events that I'm in control of, but don't always remember initiating.

My memory has gotten so poor that I can watch a movie that I saw just 6 months ago and absolutely know that I saw it and remember scenes after I see them happen again. But I can't remember anything about what will happen for the rest of the movie at any point. In my programming work I struggle to remember the names of functions and the structure of the framework I'm using, or the code I've written already. In the past I used to be able to remember whole stories in great detail and keep complex programming structures in my mind while I worked on them.

I'm in my head all the time.

My Diet:
I currently take Omega 3 supplement in the form of Flax Seed Oil with added vegan source EPA. I have a spoon full of Lecithin daily, usually with pulpy OJ that makes the lecithin granules almost disappear. I take a high quality but low dosage whole food vegan multi. I take a B complex. And occasionally I take C, B5, Magnesium, and Zinc supplements also.

I have about a cup a day of Soymilk and tofu maybe once a week. Though that will likely increase soon since I just got a Soymilk Maker to save on costs. I'm a little worried about all the contriversy about Excessive Soy consumption.

I do eat a lot of bread, and consequently a lot of Gluten and high starch food. A friend of mine only buys "Sprouted grain bread" saying that it doesn't have the same tiring effect on her after eating that more refined and non-sprouted grain breads do. That stuff is very expensive ($4 or $5 a loaf) though, so I haven't tried it at home.

Due to not living near a good source of fresh foods and usually eating single course meals, I don't eat a lot of greens or other fresh veggies. I eat cereal for breakfast every day. And I eat a lot of dishes with beans and rice. Usually it's black beans or chick peas. Onion and green pepper are about the freshest I get with veggies.

I drink about 6 beers a week (one or two at night occasionally) and a few times a year I might actually get drunk. I drink about 3 cups (8 oz)of coffee per day mostly to keep from getting withdrawal headaches and because I like the taste. I don't think it helps with my clarity. It may even hurt.

My activity levels:
I work from home and almost never leave except for shopping or dinner with friends.

My exercise habits are that a few times a week I'll do a few sets of push ups and maybe sit ups. I stretch almost every day. And I walk my dogs in the yard a few times a day for 5 or 10 minutes. I haven't worked up a sweat in months.

Stress:
I sleep well most of the time, getting about 8 hours a day on average. My schedule is mostly consistent but I take naps occasionally when feeling particularly down.

My business has been crushed by the real estate economy the last few years and the stress has been overwhelming at times. The business hasn't gotten better yet, but I've settled into a pretty constant stress level. My lack of energy combined with the stress often leads me to feel depressed and hopeless.

What I try already:
I've taken the strategy of isolation from friends and family and even business associates in order to combat the growing challenge of mental distraction that seems to consume entire days and weeks with almost nothing to show for accomplishment. In the process I've given up my personal homes, my vehicles except for an old van, and most of my possessions like my tools. I've broken up with two good girlfriends and resisted new relationships from forming. Thinking about all that adds to the feeling of depression. But if I regain control of my mental clarity, I expect it will be worthwhile and recoverable. And I'm not much help or fun to be around when I'm stressed and scatter brained anyway.

I'm at my most clear when writing something like this or writing to a friend or in my journal. But it's incredibly time consuming. I limit my writing so I don't end up doing it all day long.

I've dabbled with Meditation, but as with exercise I've lost focus to develop the habit and it's a rare thing for me to sit still doing nothing unless I'm going to sleep.

I have almost no emotional content to my feelings lately. I'm holding on to sanity for the most part. But the days are passing and I'm aging with nothing changing for the positive in my life. I only keep going on the hopes of something more interesting being around the corner. But daily motivation to do anything is such a struggle that it's seeming less and less likely I'll get over the hump to that more interesting life I've enjoyed in the past.

The major potential factors I see as being responsible for what I consider borderline schizophrenia and severe memory loss are Lack of Exercise, missing nutritional elements, and stress.

I'm trying to fight the stress by simplifying everything in life and removing the distractions so I can focus better and get back in control of my daily life.

I'm trying to satisfy my dietary needs while staying vegetarian, but there's so much conflicting information out there that it's confusing and I may be missing something critical.

Exercise is probably the area I have the most trouble with. I just never have the energy to "feel like" doing it. I know it's sort of a chicken or egg argument. But I find it so incredibly boring that it takes a ton of motivation to get me to even spend 5 minutes working out. And the whole time my mind is screaming out to be doing something productive instead.

The challenge:
I almost hate to waste the time of readers here with all of this. I feel like I already answered the question of how I can improve my clarity and get my brain back. Diet and Exercise. Just do it. Stress will take care of itself if I take care of myself... But there is obviously something missing. Every time I try to do something, I do it once and the next day I forget, or don't feel like it, or get distracted by something new to try.

How can I become consistent in doing something that works? What mental perspectives may work well enough to stick with this rattled brain long enough to develop good supportive habits? Are there any quick fixes in diet or otherwise that may help in the mean time?

Thank you.

Energy Follows Attention?

jimmyjimjim — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:29:19 -0800

Is there anything in western psychology shedding light on the martial arts truism that energy follows attention? Martial artists (and also eastern doctors) say that "energy follows attention". That is, by focusing your attention, you are also focusing your energy. The more focused you are, the more vital energy is applied via that focus. Concentration, in a sense, IS energy.

My question is: Is this just a trippy Eastern thing, or is there anything similar in western psychology? I'd imagine, for instance, that it may have been verified that obsessive thinking mis-applies energy that would otherwise be used in day-to-day living. It takes energy, after all, to maintain very tightly focused behavior. Delusions are surely exhausting!

Sorry this is a little murky...it's fuzzy trying to translate between eastern and western paradigms. I'm hoping that someone with a background in western psych might cough up a few leads I could follow which resonate somehow with the eastern way of understanding focus and energy.

What you don't know may KILL you.

sixcolors — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:31:20 -0800

How is paying attention to detail an extremely important skill in the military? I know "why", not doing so can get you or somone else killed, but I don't know "what" people are referring to. Lately, I've been developing interest in learning about the military. A phrase that comes up over and over is "paying attention to detail is crucial". I'm curious what people are referring to. Is it ike noticing that moving green shapes in the plants/trees/bushes are actually your enemies in camoflage? Or something more complex?

More.. a little more... a little m... no, too much. Too much! ACK!

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 08:12:56 -0800

Long-distance-relationship with a boyfriend who is more clingy than me, while I need more personal space. We're crazy about each other, but his desires to spend more and more time talking are making us both rather miserable, and I have no idea how to handle this. In my previous relationship, I wasn't getting enough attention from my partner. Now I have a bit too much, and somehow this needs to work out. Because we are continents apart right now, our time together is spent on messengers and webcams. Lately however I've been hit with more work that leaves me tired whenever I have free time to get on the net, and I'm also tiring of this rather monotonous work/talk-with-him/nothing-else routine.

When we're talking, it's almost a given that we do nothing else distracting on the side. So I can't load a movie at the same time, or play a game, as my love gets rather hurt if I'm not giving him all my attention. I definitely understand him - we have only a few hours in a day when our schedules coincide. But I just need to do other things now and then. I'm a huge gamer and work in the game industry itself, and I badly miss being able to lose myself in a good title for a couple of hours as well. I miss being able to relax with a good book, or take very long walks in the mountains where I live. Basically, I miss having "me" time. All the free time I do have is going into staring at a messenger window, and I'm ashamed to say that even his excited "My webcam is on! Go take a look!" invites are starting to feel like a chore.

If only he was into doing any of the fun activities I like with me online, this would almost be a nonissue. But he hates watching movies together (at the same time), as he feels almost forced to comment on them or can't concentrate on them fully, and he can't seem to like any online games. And I'm running out of things to talk about, which makes the hours we spend together sometimes seem a waste.

We brought some of this up today, although not in detail, and we just don't know how to handle this sort of situation. Should we compromise and stick to the weekends for lengthy interactions? How do I help him hurt less when he wants to have me more? Someone is going to have to sacrifice something, but I don't know how to make it as painless of a transition as possible.

Please throw some suggestions my way!

Chess and ADD

2or3whiskeysodas — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:35:57 -0800

I'm kind of interested in learning to play chess. I have ADD. How's that gonna go? I usually can't, say, read a single page of a magazine article without my mind wandering and losing my place, without me noticing it's happening. But I've always found chess intriguing and would like to give it a shot.

I'm wondering if the sort of concentration required to play chess at all well is beyond the ability of someone with untreated ADD (occasional capacity to hyperfocus aside). That said, I'm also wondering if chess is the sort of activity that would help me increase my ability to concentrate, or if I'd just find it impossibly frustrating. I'd be willing to flex my brain like that if it wouldn't just piss me entirely off.

Of course, it would be great to hear from ADD-ers who've given chess a shot.

Talk to me about talking to my doctor about ADD.

fedward — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 10:13:13 -0800

I think I have ADD. I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow. How can I best take advantage of the visit? I'm 37. Ever since I was a camp counselor in college, I've suspected that I have (and have always had) ADD. I didn't get into any trouble in school, but I also got by mostly on my wits. I learned fast, did well on tests, and did as little homework as possible (often none). The kids at my camp taking Ritalin were the ones just like I had been, except I had gotten away with it. I haven't since learned anything about either myself or ADD to make me think my approximate self-diagnosis is incorrect, but I've also mostly been able to get things done in spite of it.

In addition to the suspected ADD, I have had sleep problems all my life. I finally saw a doctor (a neurologist, as it happens) about that and have gotten my sleep issues somewhat managed mostly with a combination of light therapy and melatonin, and a fallback prescription for Ambien (although I prefer to reserve that for when my sleep patterns get very out of whack).

Recently I have found, however, that even though I'm sleeping better and more regular hours, I am still often unable to concentrate on work. Since I'm basically self-employed, this is bad, because hours I don't work I can't bill for, and that adds up. So after a really bad brain week I called my sleep doctor's office for a referral to somebody to ask about ADD, and it turns out my sleep doctor does the screening, and then refers patients internally to neurology or psychiatry depending on what's appropriate. So I'm seeing a doctor I already have a relationship with, and I'm armed with a general understanding of how I've probably had ADD all my life and mostly managed to get by in spite of it. I've talked to a few friends who said, "um, YEAH" when I asked if they thought I had ADD, and I talked to my mom, who said she didn't think that ADD was it, but who also said she was glad I was seeing somebody about it (she also recounted a few things I didn't remember, but that will probably help a doctor with his diagnosis).

What questions do I need to ask my doctor? What answers do I need to beware? I plan on going in with an open mind, since he's the doctor and I'm just a geek with internet access, but I'd like to come in as well-informed as possible on how I can best use his time.

Teach me to appreciate music..........again.

Rabulah — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 07:50:38 -0800

How can I get "reverse earworm"? I have a song that I really like, but I've listened to it so many times, I seem to have lost the ability to hear it. The song is Feels Like Home, by Chantal Kreviazuk. Youtube video. When I first got a copy of this song, I had it on repeat pretty much constantly. Now, when I put it on, I tend to zone out, and not pay attention to it. It's almost like I've sickened myself of it, but I still really like it, and I'd like to be able to appreciate it again. I listen to the first few bars, and then drift off to something else, where before I'd have to listen to it again.

I know tastes change, but I know if I could really hear this song again, I'd love it. I still really love the first few bars, but I just can't seem to pay attention to the rest of it.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this happening.

How can I learn to listen to the song again, and enjoy it as much as I originally did?

Coping with ADD?

fogster — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 19:31:34 -0800

I have ADD. What are some specific steps that can help me focus on getting a task done? I was diagnosed as having a 'borderline' case of ADD: I showed some symptoms, but not enough that they thought it was worthwhile to treat at the time. Consequentially, I am not prescribed anything to help, nor am I seeing anyone to help.

I function well most of the time. But periodically, no matter how hard I try, I just can't concentrate.

So how do I cope with situations where I can't put the task off for another time, but I can't get myself to focus? Surely there are some tips out there.

My son has ADD - what next?

greedo — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 17:10:27 -0800

My 6 Year Old has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. We are not going to drug him. How can I help him? After 2 days of testing, my 6 year old son has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. (I already hate the label). After some quick research on the web, the diagnosis seems to make sense. (His disorder seems to arise from food allergies which we have been dealing with for 4 years) He is bright, does well in school (B student) and not aggressive or "bad". He has many of the hallmarks of ADD that are described in the literature, and he is often disconnected from the world. As a parent, I want to do everything I can to help him, but I have no idea where to start. One recommendation was that we get a family dog (he loves dogs) who would ideally be an unconditional friend. There must be others in the hive going through this. What has worked for you?

Books that are easy to read for those with attention problems?

mjao — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 08:26:47 -0800

What are some good books for people with mild ADD? By this I do not mean, books about attention deficit disorder, I mean books that are short, or easy to read. My boyfriend really wishes he could start reading books. I'm also a huge reader, so I want to be able to nurture this desire by recommending some suitable reading material. He was medicated for ADD in the past, but he is 30 now, and I suppose it has mostly worn off (if that's possible), but he still has the same type of internet-induced distractability discussed in this previous thread.

I'm specifically hoping that people with attention problems could help me out here. Have any of you even found 1 or 2 books in your life that are of the proper format to suit your attention span?

My boyfriend reads TIME magazine compulsively, and the only book I have seen him read is Nietzsche's "Human, All Too Human". He loved it, so I'm thinking the short aphorisms suit him well. He wanted to read The Tipping Point quite badly, but couldn't concentrate on it for long enough. He also loves Dr Karl Kruszelnicki's pop-science books, because they're broken into easy-to-manage sections as well.

Any more books in a similar vein? Written in blog-sized paragraphs, and so on? Any cool anthologies or books of miscellany? Anything relevant to TODAY'S WORLD, so that it's easier for him to digest?

(If this will help with suggestions, he's interested in the usual things: computers, science, martial arts, general world affairs...)

Every night when my man goes out...

skjønn — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 17:35:02 -0800

Women who stray because their men don't pay them enough attention... The last time I needed help compiling a list of songs about an obscure topic, ask.me was awesome. Pease help me again!

I need a list of songs sung about women who stray or contemplate cheating because they are being ignored/not taken care of by the men in their lives. Here's what I've got so far...

"Sick of being lonely" -- Field Mob
"Creep" -- TLC

Thanks so much!!!

Autophobia!

ZackTM — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 12:36:51 -0800

How can I deal with irrational attention craving issues when I'm out at the bar with my girlfriend? Not unlike this poster, http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/18620, I am having a problem 'chilling out' when it comes to my girlfriend. Luckily, I only have the problem in specific situations.

Background: We've been together for a month and definitely have a high level of infatuation. We get a long great, and my closest friends think she's great for me. They don't see it as a one-sided relationship. 90% of the time, I am cool, and laid back. I don't worry about how to behave around her or anything, I don't worry (too much) about whether she likes me.

Yet when we go out to bars, more often than not I get bad anxiety that I'm not getting enough attention.

I have no suspicions that this girl is talking to other guys or even coming off as single to people. Rather, we go out and she doesn't give me the 100% attention level I seem to crave. She's not anti-PDA normally but often at bars she loves to be independant from everyone. She's a wanderer.

Now, I am well aware this is stupid of me. She pays me plenty of attention usually. She just wants to have fun at bars. She's not hitting on guys. Part of this is that I'm really head over heels infatuated, and she's pretty much amazing to me-- i dont want to do anything to screw it up.

I don't really drink all that much around her at bars, luckily (thank god) my irrationality hasn't been too affected by drinking thus far. I'm just as crazy sober. Actually the one time we had a
great evening together (where she was wandering), I was quite drunk and didn't even notice.

Part of my problem is I've only been in this town for 9 months. I don't have any go-to best friends who I have the for-life connection with here yet. I don't have a social network of people I'm excited to run into at a bar. Before the GF, my bar time was spent searching for babes.

This Sunday is her birthday. I freaked out last night at the pre-birthday celebration and gave myself my first ever panic attack because I got into a loop of being anxious and being anxious I was anxious. This cannot happen again. I have never been Geronimo Jealous like this before, and if thats the guy I become in this relationship, I need to end it for both our sakes. But she's amazing and I need to grow the hell up. (I wish I could just pop a xanax and relax but the non-prescription route is a lot smarter in this situation).

How do I calm myself down and relax enough to have fun and not being Professor Clingsalot at the bar?

"Hmm, that's very interesting...or not."

booksandlibretti — Tue, 29 Nov 2005 20:57:31 -0800

How do you get a doctor's attention? I'm having lots of problems with my branemeats. (Briefly: A few years ago, I scored an 800 on the SAT Verbal and today I can't think of the word "pencil"; I'm sleeping about 14-18 hours a day and am always desperate for more; I have a constant medium-level headache. None of this is caused by depression, Munchausen's, or hypochondria. I've had all brain-related tests short of a spinal tap, but the only test with an abnormality was a PET scan, which showed "severely decreased metabolism in the temporal lobe.")

Anyway, I originally went to my GP, who was very sympathetic. I've since been referred to a neurologist (awful), a neuropsychologist (nice), an ENT (neutral), a dentist (neutral), and still more specialists. All of them have said "Yes, this is definitely a real problem," but once the basics were ruled out, all suddenly became disinterested -- to the point where they aren't returning calls because they have nothing to say.

I've had doctors tell me that if I were a child, I'd get the attention I need because I'd be a "cause." Unfortunately, I'm 19 and a very busy college student who is not used to being stupid. I'd be down with taking medical leave next semester or next year if I thought anything would be done with this time off.

To sum up: I have brain problems that need attention, and although most of the specialists I've seen are sympathetic, none are actually interested enough to really help. How do I get my doctors to work towards a diagnosis?

Attention Deficit Disor... what?

five fresh fish — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 20:37:00 -0800

I've got a kid 'round here recently diagnosed as very likely ADD. What now? Let's all assume that this is, indeed, a valid disorder and correct diagnosis, so that we can usefully relate experiences and solutions without getting in a sideline discussion.

I am interested in personal experiences, both from parents and from childhood memories. I am interested in any ameliorating habits or behaviours you developed. I am a interested in any changes in diet, activity, sleep, or whatnot helped you to have an effective life.

I am not much interested in drug therapies at this time. I am not interested at all whether you feel ADD falls within the range of normal human behaviour.

Thank you, especially to all for whom this is a very personal question!

Reading attention span.

trey — Fri, 11 Mar 2005 13:22:59 -0800

I used to be able to read for hours. Now I'm lucky if I can read for ten minutes before checking my e-mail. What to do? In my teenage years and early twenties, I would lose track of time because I would become so engrossed in my reading. In the past five years or so, I find it impossible to read. My main problem is focusing/attention. I don't meet the criteria for "Adult ADD" and I don't imbibe an abnormal amount of caffeine. Every ten minutes or so, I find myself wandering back to the computer to check the news, check my e-mail, etc. (I also don't meet the criteria for so-called "internet addiction.")

I chalked this up initially to the fact that my reading has become increasingly dry and complicated (I'm a graduate student) but I find that the same thing happens with fiction. What are your strategies for becoming more focused for long periods of time?

The catch: I'm a graduate student in PSYCHOLOGY so I'm immediately skeptical of most suggestions, but I'm going to keep an open mind here.

ADD or ADS?

timyang — Mon, 28 Feb 2005 03:49:14 -0800

What is the difference between "attention deficiency disorder" and "attention deficiency syndrome" and how are they related? It seems as if they are interchangeable, but I don't want to make the mistake of referring to either one if they are not. Please help.

Should I communicate to other that I have ADHD? If so, how?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Dec 2004 21:08:07 -0800

I've just been diagnosed with Adult ADHD. (No, this isn't the person who inquired earlier, although it inspired me to get it checked.) I'm going to be getting therapy to get better, but I wanted to know how you would view a person who admitted he had ADHD to you? It's apparent to me now that I've messed up a lot of things in my life because of it (Failing out of college, frequent job changes, crappy social life). I want to be able to say, "Hey, I messed up because of this, but I'm changing for the better." If you were an employer or even a guy/girl I was asking out, would you accept this as an excuse for my prior mistakes? Should I even mention it at all?