Who am I really?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:44:28 -0800

Facebook has an application dedicated to Top Five lists called Living Social. I find it distressing that, when attempting to list five things – books, for example – according to how highly I rate them, I can’t seem to do it. Quotes, a particular love of mine, are also problematic. As are memories, foods and anything else you might feel compelled to ask me. Sure, most of the time I can think of something when asked that sounds convincing enough to at least convey a semblance of intelligence, but I can rarely come up with the ones that truly define who I am until often hours afterward - sometimes I can't even do that. Yesterday, when prompted to speak about classic films, I couldn’t even think of three when asked, despite having watched hundreds over the years. It’s as if my brain just shuts down and the harder I try to think, the emptier the space between my ears becomes and the phonier and more pathetic-looking this so-called personality of mine begins to appear. For someone so academically and professionally successful, on paper at least, this is starting to worry me. I just seem incapable of spontaneous thought without the aid of a trigger. Funnily enough, once stimulated to speak about an idea, they tend to flow and a magical process seems to take hold whereby one idea feeds another. I actually feel knowledgeable and authoritative. To what extent is this normal? In real life, my problem translates to embarrassing situations in which I’m asked important questions and am able to give only the vaguest of responses, though luckily, being reasonably articulate – a good bullshitter, according to friends – I am often able to make them sound convincing enough to satisfy my interrogator, but rarely ever myself. My greatest fear is that one day soon I am going to be exposed as the fraud that I almost certainly am. I just seem incapable of organising my thoughts properly and have even started to convince myself that any ‘success’ I have had has come about more from luck and my ability to bullshit than any truly innate talent. Re-reading my Masters dissertation today, I couldn’t help castigating myself with the phrase, “Throw enough shit, and it’ll stick,” whilst questioning the intelligence of my tutors who also appear to have been too stupid to have seen through my ruse.

This has all come to a head today and left me feeling thoroughly depressed. I’m teaching English in a leading Latin American business school as a way to kill time – and make money – before I start my first full-time job within a fast-paced, demanding multinational in November. One of my students, a 30-something, self-assertive MBA, asked me to give examples of British slang, something I should be more than familiar with considering that I’ve been using slang on a day-to-day basis since arriving in kindergarten. My mind just went blank – completely blank, as if a light had been switched off and every nook and cranny had descended into pitch darkness. After an embarrassing few moments where I felt his gaze almost begin to burn a hole through me, I laughed and said I’d prepare an activity using slang next week.

One other thing, you know on social network sites where it asks you to describe yourself? Forget it. I just can't do it. I end up feeling like a complete non-entity.

Despite the existence of a wealth of evidence to the contrary, by most people’s definitions I think I’d probably be considered to be of above-average intelligence. The dire predictions of my high school teachers, confounded by the fact that I never, ever seemed to do any work, in the end proved baseless and I went on to graduate with a respectable – but hard won - degree from Cambridge and, most recently of all, an even harder-won Masters from an equally respectable French institution. I mention this not to brag but merely to illustrate that I haven’t always been so dumb as I feel now.

What is wrong with me? ADHD? Depression? Early-onset Dementia? Brain tumour? Deficit Syndrome-predominant Schizophrenia? Just going bat shit insane? What? If not illness, how can I learn to think better on the spot.

Posting anonymously for obvious reasons.

Why can't you move toes individually?

fogster — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 18:38:55 -0800

Why can't you move your toes individually? I feel like I'm blowing my question of the week, but it's something I've wondered for a while. I can point with my index finger, give someone the middle finger, give someone a thumbs-up, etc., but I can't move an individual toe. (I have no reason to, but that's not the point.)

Why is this? Do we just not learn to control the muscles? Do the muscles atrophy? Is it just not possible for some biological reason? (And why don't more people wonder things like this?)

Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with atrophy

Who am I really?

Why can't you move toes individually?