Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with assertiveness

How do you criticize without appearing overcritical (when you're not)?

matticulate — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 02:00:47 -0800

One of the problems I seem to have is coming across as overly critical, despite the fact that I am normally patient and tolerant with people. So I ask you all: How long do you tolerate an issue until you bring it up as a problem? And how do you communicate this so that the other person sees it as something to work on, without feeling "under the gun" all the time? I'd like to be a more assertive, yet easygoing person. For the most part, I am pretty tolerant when people “mess up” – when a friend is late, craps out on plans, forgets to introduce me to others, etc. I can brush these annoyances off fairly well, saying “it’s no big deal,” and we get on with the day just fine. Essentially I give my friends the benefit of the doubt (temporarily believing that they will adjust their habits next time) and don’t dwell on their mistakes for too long. I’m not the kind of person who likes or wants to criticize every little thing.

Yet after I give a friend multiple chances, and his/her "offensive" behavior persists, I find myself increasingly annoyed. It gets to the point where I have to say something about it, and this usually results in me taking a somewhat critical tone. I would think this is a natural and legitimate development. I feel I have a reason to be annoyed and I explain why. Unfortunately, despite how tactful I try to be in tone and content, my message isn't always taken receptively.

As an example, I used to get annoyed at my girlfriend (who is incredibly ambitious and a bit of a workaholic), who always seemed to make plans on the same days we had something planned. These extra plans would often cut into the amount of time we had to spend with each other, as it would lead to her being late, or my having to wait more than expected. The first several times I let it go, of course, because I was being a nice guy and didn’t expect this to carry on too often. Finally, after what felt like the 6th or 7th time that this happened to me, I reached my limit and called her out for continuing to schedule things so close to arrangements we had. “Things always pop up,” she would say, but I wouldn’t have it, and I contended that I had been patient and understanding for so long that I felt it was unfair for her to keep doing this. Now it has gotten to the point where my girlfriend feels like she is sacrificing her freedom to work to spend time with me, and she feels pressured by me because she thinks I would be upset any time she makes plans when I’m in town.

This is not the situation I wanted. I don’t want my girlfriend to feel pressure with me, and it has been very difficult for me to figure out how to reduce/eliminate the amount of stress that my girlfriend seems to have with me. I’m not entirely sure, but I think the solution to this problem is giving each other more space and being more accommodating towards each other's schedules (though, please offer any advice if you can).

Oftentimes I feel like I am being patient enough to let things go a number of times before I start to bring it up as an issue with the person at hand. I feel like I am being tolerant, but then my tolerance is abused, and when I bring it up as a problem, I feel like my tolerance is unnoticed or forgotten about entirely. The end result? I come across as too critical / picky about little things, which is the last thing I want to be, especially because I have been trying so hard to be tolerant. And strangely enough I find myself agreeing with the sentiment that I am being too critical (a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts).

I have become convinced that the best way to resolve this problem is by being more relaxed and accepting when people do things I don’t like or things don’t go the way I want them to, essentially be more easygoing than I am already. Let people figure things out for themselves, rather than have me tell them what to fix. Yet I am deeply concerned about developing the “doormat syndrome” and being taken advantage of if I adapt this mentality. I am also concerned about my criticisms losing potency.

What do I do?

Am I being tolerant and assertive enough already? Am I being too nice, or will being more easygoing make things easier? Again, how long do you tolerate an issue until you bring it up as a problem?

Furthermore, how do I express that just because I get annoyed at something once doesn’t mean I’ll get annoyed at it all the time (I just don't want it to be a habit)? I don't want to feel like I'm being too imposing or putting too much pressure on others, but there are obviously times when I need to express myself.

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

How do I be an ally to the conversationally overpowered?

baxter_ilion — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:26:25 -0800

How do I be an ally to the conversationally overpowered? I went back to my homeland (Minnesota) for the July 4th weekend, and participated in festivities with my extended family. During a picnic, I sat down with my aunt and uncle and we talked for a while. I noticed a few minutes into the conversation that my uncle would routinely talk over my aunt, often while she was in mid-sentence. Since I was interested in what she had to say, I started picking up where she left before she was interrupted by my uncle. She would begin again, and a few sentences later my uncle would jump in again. I then tried addressing questions directly to her, but the same thing would happen - my uncle would jump in and answer.

I feel that in that situation, I did all that was possible to make sure that my aunt was able to talk freely, but to no avail.

What are some tips for making sure all people who want to participate in a conversation are able to?

I have noticed this pattern with other people as well (mostly hetero couples, with the man interrupting the woman.)

Is there any way to change this behavior in the long term? Is it gauche to point out that one person rountinely tramples on the other person's attempts at communication?

Help me become assertive, please

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 11:11:23 -0800

People-pleaser wants to transform, seeking self-help books and inspirational books/movies I was raised to always, always, always attend to everyone else's needs and then maybe, if there is time, think of myself. According to my parents, this is called "being a good girl." According to an awful lot of people (including boyfriends), this makes me a doormat to use and take advantage of.

A friend lent me the book Why Men Love Bitches and I was pretty skeptical at first, but I read it anyway. If you ignore the silly sexist parts of the book, it is fantastic! It made me realize for the first time in 34 years that it would not make me an awful, horrible person who is going straight to hell if I just stop bending over backwards to please everyone. It also made me realize that I decide my value, not everyone else.

Unfortunately, the book only got me started on what I think is quite a long path of transformation, so I was hoping that someone would please recommend some more? Self-help books would be great, but I would also love to see some inspirational stories about a woman like me transforming into the woman I am trying to become. Two recommendations I got from friends are Beautiful and Fried Green Tomatoes, so I'm going to rent them tomorrow night.

How can I develop a more dominant personality?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:58:38 -0800

How can I develop a more dominant personality? I recently came out of a relationship that I feel ended because I didn't know how to deal with my (self-described) submissive partner. I'm interested in learning some day-to-day things I can work on in order to learn to be more dominant.

Things I've tried so far:
1. Being more assertive about preferences - I'm always the guy who doesn't care which restaurant we go to, etc.
2. Trying to take more risks - I'm always afraid to go for the first kiss in a relationship, etc.

I'd appreciate tips on how to improve skills like these and associated with more dominant or alpha type personalities.

No More Sassy Ladies

pauldonato — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 20:09:08 -0800

I think I may be the male version of women who keep dating jerks. I've noticed a pattern in me. I'm attracted to girls who are combination of sassy, neurotic, and bossy. The origins probably have something to do with my mom being like that. However, there's a functional reason too, perhaps, in that I find myself more stimulated around those girls. They're more likely to speak up when there's silence and they're easier for me to make jokes with. I also find that I have somewhat of a debating style of conversation, and a lot of my conversations are extended point-counterpoints.

However, ultimately, when I get into a relationship with these sassy girls, I get turned off by their assertiveness. I start to feel insecure, and I start to yearn for someone more supportive. I find that they don't go with the flow as well, and that coming to easy agreement seems like a struggle that also exacerbates my insecurities.

I've noticed this pattern over the years. Girls who aren't like that do show interest in me, but then I find myself bored and understimulated around them.

I find this similar, perhaps, to women who can't get out of a cycle of dating "bad boys." Perhaps because the "good boys" seem so dull.

How have people navigated through harmful dating patterns? Should you just force yourself to try dating other types? (or is using others as an experiment a little immoral?) Or maybe there's something more specific that I'm not getting about being in a relationship with non-sassy types.

What causes non-assertive behaviour?

darsh — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 11:12:22 -0800

Please point me to online sources of information or research about the societal / cultural causes of non-assertive behaviour! Looking for research which looks into this type of behaviour in women, but open to non-gender specific information also. Googling points me to plenty of assertiveness training sites and 'how-to' sites, and those are great, but really, I want to understand underlying factors. I remember reading articles several years ago which described cultural norms which lead to women lacking assertive skills / behaviours in the workplace, which I found immensely helpful in understanding my own behaviour.

However, I am now fuzzy on details, and even on sources, and I want to provide a colleague with some of this type of information. Any sources, or ideas on google search terms I should use would be much appreciated!

Breaking up is hard to do... Why?

Phalene — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:59:09 -0800

Relationship Psychology Filter: How to DTMF already, when you have major insecurities? I seem to be labouring under the mistaken belief that I can't do better than my current boyfriend (whom ever he is) and that giving him the door would leave me alone in the world. This tends to be the case with previous relationships, where things get progressively worse and I passively sit it out for fear of being alooooone. I’d also do this with social situations, and in both cases I’d grimly plug in hours of time into the commitment, keeping my mouth shut because I’d internalized half the bit about not trying to change people, without the bit about getting away from people who are bad for you.

I'd like to stop doing this, but it seems to be very hard to say: "Mothboy, you treat me like crap. I don't want to see you again if you act like this."

It scares me, because I feel open to abusive reputations and exploitive relationships. I also note crazy person patterns. When the relationship goes sour I don't talk about it for fear I might be told to break up with the offending party and I feel ashamed I'm letting myself be treated that way. I also won't call a person in a relationship with me on their bad behaviour, because if they refused to change I'd feel compelled to break up with them... And for some reason I can't face the finality of that.

It's perceived scarcity, and the belief that I'll be alone that seems to be at the root of the problem. For most of my life I've been a miserable outcast who feels unattractive, so if I form an intense bond with someone I think that they are scarce and must be pleased like a puppy. I'm lonely a lot of the time, and have terrible self esteem. On the other hand I'm 22, and that's too old to be a victim of a pattern of my own making.

How can I make myself feel good enough about singleness or escaping a toxic group of friends, that I won't let a relationship drag on until it starts damaging me? I wanna be a happy, serial non-serious dater, with many friends to choose to spend time with, not a miserable obsessive fretting over resenting a significant other or someone who can't stand to leave an insular group of friends because they might not want her back if she even took a vacation?

Learning assertive communication

mintchip — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 19:35:46 -0800

Can you guys recommend any resources for learning assertive communication? In my family I learned to avoid conflict at all costs. Therefore, I don't know how to approach "difficult conversations" directly. For instance, if a friend flakes on me at the last minute, or says they will call me to make weekend plans and then don't, I simply don't know how to broach the topic and tell them I don't like it without sounding like a b*tch. On the flip side, when I don't say anything or am too nice about it, I'm at risk for being a doormat.

I really want to learn the way to address these issues assertively. What works for you? I feel that the issue would be pretty easy for me to resolve except that I don't always have the verbal facility--the actual words--that will let me get my point across in the right way. Whenever I do address something it always sounds "mean" to me.

I will consider books but am hoping there might be resources I'm not aware of (online videos or tapes, etc.) that others can recommend.

How do I know when I'm being self-assertive vs. being a jerk?

treepour — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:00:36 -0800

How do I know when I'm being self-assertive vs. being a jerk? This question has plagued me for a long time, but I currently find myself in a job where it's become pretty central. For the first time in my life, I'm working in a relatively small and pretty unstructured environment where there's no clear path to making my needs/wants known.

I feel like I'm missing some sort of internal barometer here, that I lack an innate sense the difference between not speaking up and being too much of a "squeaky wheel." As such, I almost always err on the side of not speaking up, but I feel like this needs to change in order for me stay afloat -- if I don't assert myself, I feel my requests for support/help/assistance/etc. will remain at the bottom of everyone's priority list, but if I'm too overbearing, I fear I'm going to come across as a jerk, overly sensitive, or both.

What social cues or internal signals should I look for to help me determine whether I'm being appropriately assertive or too demanding?

Learning assertiveness?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 09:29:53 -0800

I need to find an assertiveness course or workshop in London. A good one. I don't need self-help books, or tapes, or lectures. I need a course or workshop which will teach me how to assert myself at work and in relationships, instead of just going along with the majority view, deferring to others through 'politeness', or not speaking up at all. I'm not sure if this is a skill I never learned, or if a combination of bad schooling, a succession of shitty employment experiences and a vile divorce have ground it out of me. Probably a combination.

I'm self-funding this so cost is an issue, but I'm not poor so it's not crucial.

Assertiveness 101

justonegirl — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 07:17:57 -0800

Armchair psychologists and lifehackers: Please help me develop some basic assertiveness skills. (My apologies in advance for the length of this; it just has been eating at me for so long and I want to provide all the information needed to answer my question.)

I seem to have a very difficult time asserting myself in many situations, and it’s causing me a lot of distress. I have always taken great pains to ever avoid embarrassing someone, putting them on the spot, hurting their feelings, or making them feel defensive. This causes me to not say anything when something bothers me and to ignore situations that clearly need to be addressed. The stress I feel while trying to spare others any bad feelings is really eating at me, and I’d like to learn what should probably be a very basic skill of adulthood.

Background: I’m 32, married with a toddler son, and run a company with my husband. I’m a little shy sometimes, but not a timid person by any means – I have no problem leading meetings or speaking in front of groups, for example.

I was raised an only child by a father who was pretty reserved and unemotional, and a mother who was chronically depressed and extremely hypersensitive. I made her cry on numerous occasions, during what I now think were normal parent-child disagreements. My mom is bothered by lots of things, but rarely if ever addresses it with the person with whom she has a problem, a classic martyr. She also used to rant and rave about how much she hated passive-aggressive people (ironic, huh?) and scoffed at anyone’s attempts to “nicely” bring up a problem.

Also, we moved frequently due to my dad’s work, and I had a very hard time making friends. And like many young women (maybe guys do this too, I don’t know), I lost many “best friends” over my childhood/teenage years due to stupid disagreements. All of this led to some deep-seated self esteem issues on my part, and a fear of not being liked.

All of this has probably contributed to my current incapacity to tell someone (in a polite way) when I’m upset about something they’ve done. I recognize the problem, but I can’t seem to do the obvious thing (duh): tell someone (in a polite way) when I’m upset about something they’ve done. Instead I seethe and stress out and harbor resentment, all while forcing a smile and trying to just go about my business. This makes me feel like a gigantic failure as a person. I know I just need to get a grip, that the world won’t end if someone doesn’t like being called out, but I guess I’m just really afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, embarrassing them, or having them walk out on me.

This is embarrassing, but here are a few recent examples of situations I’ve been unable to address:

1. Our regular nanny is late almost every day, sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes 20. My husband and I really need to start our work ASAP in the morning, but we can’t count on her being on time. Yet I can’t seem to bring it up to our nanny because I don’t want there to be awkwardness, and I don’t want her to decide she’d rather work elsewhere, because it was really hard to find someone good.

2. My best friend has been kind of distant lately, taking a really long time to return calls. I called her a few days before my birthday (Christmas Eve) asking if there was a time I could bring over Christmas gifts for her family, and she didn’t call me back until mid-afternoon on my birthday itself. I was really anxious about it and it hurt my feelings. Yet I didn’t say anything because I don’t want her to be angry at me.

3. A babysitter we had over here yesterday spent a good part of the day gossiping on her cell phone rather than interacting with our son. He was whining and clearly demanding her attention, but she was just yapping away. Eventually I did just send her home, but I should have been able to work up the nerve way earlier instead of being angry all day. I felt tremendously guilty later that my little boy had a bad day due to this person’s inattentiveness.

4. The company my husband and I own is basically a subcontractor agency, and most of the subcontractors are friends of my husband’s. I have a difficult time bringing up performance issues or pointing out to them when they’re falling short of our standards, and I imagine it’s because I don’t want them not to like me and I don’t want social occasions to be weird.

If you have any suggestions on how to confidently and politely assert oneself in these types of situations, I would really appreciate it. If you’ve gone through something similar but were able to make a positive change, even better. I just ask that any responses be a little more detailed than “Just say what’s on your mind,” because if I knew how to do that, I would. I’m not stupid; I’m paralyzed by a bunch of psychological crap that I don’t know how to get past. Thanks so much.

Banana? Yogurt? Bagel?

mpls2 — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 17:41:39 -0800

Should I confront my coworker about his smelly food? There's a guy at work who cooks up maple-and-brown-sugar oatmeal and brings it to his cube every morning. It's pungent, but only for about 5-10 minutes. It kinda drives me nuts, but it seems like a relatively petty thing to complain about.

Is this worth being assertive about? Any suggestions about how to go about it? When I imagine myself being "assertive", I only hear anger.

Thanks for your advice!

Help with workplace assertiveness

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 21:16:02 -0800

How do I become more assertive at work? You wouldn't think I'd be such a wuss. I'm a lawyer, a litigator actually, with a big firm. And when it comes to actual verbal conflict--whether with opposing counsel or with some other adversary--I do well and people would probably say I'm aggressive or tough. But, when it comes to people that I actually work with every day--co-workers, assistants, subordinates, etc.--I am a pushover. I get walked all over, actually. When someone does a bad job, I say "it's pretty good," and then I fix it myself. When my assistant makes multiple terrible mistakes on important things, I give her a good review and can't bring myself to get a new assistant (which I really need). My problem, as best I can discern, is that I have no "middle gear" when it comes to dealing with people. I'm either Mr. Pushover, or I am in battle-mode and having a serious confrontation. I don't want to go into battle-mode with co-workers, assistants, etc. And I can't find a good, natural way to just assert myself without (my fear) having a total scene where I come on way too strong. How can I tell people that something's not OK in some friendly-constructive-critical way without causing a huge rupture?

I'd appreciate any advice.