Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with arguments

How do you criticize without appearing overcritical (when you're not)?

matticulate — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 02:00:47 -0800

One of the problems I seem to have is coming across as overly critical, despite the fact that I am normally patient and tolerant with people. So I ask you all: How long do you tolerate an issue until you bring it up as a problem? And how do you communicate this so that the other person sees it as something to work on, without feeling "under the gun" all the time? I'd like to be a more assertive, yet easygoing person. For the most part, I am pretty tolerant when people “mess up” – when a friend is late, craps out on plans, forgets to introduce me to others, etc. I can brush these annoyances off fairly well, saying “it’s no big deal,” and we get on with the day just fine. Essentially I give my friends the benefit of the doubt (temporarily believing that they will adjust their habits next time) and don’t dwell on their mistakes for too long. I’m not the kind of person who likes or wants to criticize every little thing.

Yet after I give a friend multiple chances, and his/her "offensive" behavior persists, I find myself increasingly annoyed. It gets to the point where I have to say something about it, and this usually results in me taking a somewhat critical tone. I would think this is a natural and legitimate development. I feel I have a reason to be annoyed and I explain why. Unfortunately, despite how tactful I try to be in tone and content, my message isn't always taken receptively.

As an example, I used to get annoyed at my girlfriend (who is incredibly ambitious and a bit of a workaholic), who always seemed to make plans on the same days we had something planned. These extra plans would often cut into the amount of time we had to spend with each other, as it would lead to her being late, or my having to wait more than expected. The first several times I let it go, of course, because I was being a nice guy and didn’t expect this to carry on too often. Finally, after what felt like the 6th or 7th time that this happened to me, I reached my limit and called her out for continuing to schedule things so close to arrangements we had. “Things always pop up,” she would say, but I wouldn’t have it, and I contended that I had been patient and understanding for so long that I felt it was unfair for her to keep doing this. Now it has gotten to the point where my girlfriend feels like she is sacrificing her freedom to work to spend time with me, and she feels pressured by me because she thinks I would be upset any time she makes plans when I’m in town.

This is not the situation I wanted. I don’t want my girlfriend to feel pressure with me, and it has been very difficult for me to figure out how to reduce/eliminate the amount of stress that my girlfriend seems to have with me. I’m not entirely sure, but I think the solution to this problem is giving each other more space and being more accommodating towards each other's schedules (though, please offer any advice if you can).

Oftentimes I feel like I am being patient enough to let things go a number of times before I start to bring it up as an issue with the person at hand. I feel like I am being tolerant, but then my tolerance is abused, and when I bring it up as a problem, I feel like my tolerance is unnoticed or forgotten about entirely. The end result? I come across as too critical / picky about little things, which is the last thing I want to be, especially because I have been trying so hard to be tolerant. And strangely enough I find myself agreeing with the sentiment that I am being too critical (a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts).

I have become convinced that the best way to resolve this problem is by being more relaxed and accepting when people do things I don’t like or things don’t go the way I want them to, essentially be more easygoing than I am already. Let people figure things out for themselves, rather than have me tell them what to fix. Yet I am deeply concerned about developing the “doormat syndrome” and being taken advantage of if I adapt this mentality. I am also concerned about my criticisms losing potency.

What do I do?

Am I being tolerant and assertive enough already? Am I being too nice, or will being more easygoing make things easier? Again, how long do you tolerate an issue until you bring it up as a problem?

Furthermore, how do I express that just because I get annoyed at something once doesn’t mean I’ll get annoyed at it all the time (I just don't want it to be a habit)? I don't want to feel like I'm being too imposing or putting too much pressure on others, but there are obviously times when I need to express myself.

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Sorry for your loss and by the way you're a terrible person

green_flash — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:48:55 -0800

I've been told that it's not uncommon for friends to either ignore or drop you after you've been through the process of death/dying of a loved one. Good or bad, sometimes people just can't deal with that type of situation. However I've had 2 friends in recent months go off on me, tell me that I'm a terrible person, and that I'd said/done something that offended me so much that they don't want to be my friend anymore. Both accusations took me by surprise and I'm now wondering, did they wait to say anything to me until after my loved one passed? I just spent a really long and really draining/sad period of my life taking care of a dying family member. The grief process is hard and I'm learning that besides missing this person and the frustration of taking care of them, I have a lot of anger/depression just from watching them die painfully and before their time. I'm not the easiest person in the world to be around, but I've had a lot of wonderful people reach out to me to let me know that they've been through this experience and I will too. It's also been hard because like most people, I'm worried about what the economy could do to my job and I also just went through a cancer scare (false positive thank God). So I can be sarcastic, depressed and moody, but most people have told me that under the circumstances, it's a completely normal reaction.

However in the recent months since this death, I've had two different friends go off on me about things I've said/done and how I'm just a terrible/insensitive person. Now, one of the lessons I've taken away from this death is being aware of my shortcomings and striving to be a kinder, more patient and more forgiving person. So while I certainly did take the valid criticisms of these friends to heart and apologized for any pain I've caused them, in both cases I've been told "Well, you just don't get it."

I can understand not wanting to add to the stress of somebody who was in my situation and how sometimes people allow resentments to add up until it comes spilling out. And I can definitely pinpoint the shortcomings I have in my relationships and try to work on being a kinder, more patient person. What I can't understand though, is getting told off in this manner. If the situation were reversed, even if I were incredibly angry/offended by somebody, I just can't see myself confronting them in that manner if they'd just gone through the type of experience I just had. Or at least I would have said something in maybe more of a gentler manner, knowing that this person is already going through a pretty hard time in their life.

Also I would guess it makes a difference, but these are both very buttoned down personalities. It's pretty hard to get either one of them to be open about themselves and their feelings. So in general I feel like the friendship has sort of run its course because I'm the polar opposite. I like to be up front with people about what's going on inside my head, which may be the trait that each person is finally reacting against.

Too Hot Not To Handle

Ash3000 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:39:33 -0800

A friend, who leans Ron Paul libertarian, was recently trying to convince me that anthropogenic global warming is largely a myth. A central part of his argument was his claiming that there was recently a petition signed by 40,000 independent climate scientists saying that, in his words, "so-called global warming is bullshit." More inside. I'm no climate scientist, but I feel like I have a fairly good layman's grasp on the basics of climate change, and have heard of a few such "petitions" that generally end up being filled with non-scientists, or those on the fringe, or those who are corporate-sponsored - but I'd never heard of this petition.

I asked him to cite what exactly he was referring to, and he said he couldn't remember the sourcing at the moment (it was a loud bar night), but rest assured that the whole idea of a consensus about climate change is part of the push for one-world government.

The one-world-paranoia aside, does anyone know what he might have been referring to? I couldn't find anything googling for the number 40,000, but 30,000 yielded this. Might that be it?

I think he absorbs a fair amount of fringe-right media - can anyone give me the straight dope on the sort of things that are being circulated as "proof against climate change" that this may have been a part of, and what the common refutations are against this specific petition (if you know it), or such petitions generally? Or just a way to use this as an excuse to learn more? I'd like to continue these conversations with him, but I feel like he keeps on citing research that he reads in newsletters and the like.

(Also, while I'm here, he claimed that carbon taxation, especially in its current legislative form in Congress, is a secret tool to constrict all industry, and that Al Gore is just trying to profiteer for his private business. What're the arguments against these specific claims?)

How do I salvage a fractious relationship?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 16:26:44 -0800

Relationshipfilter: Is there any way to salvage our relationship once and for all? Me and my ex-girlfriend have been trying to work things out, but, lo and behold, we just had another huge argument.

This all started about 18 months ago. We were living in a tiny flat together, we were both getting a bit claustrophobic. We had a huge argument, the sort that starts earthquakes, and she left me. I thought that was it, and I'd never see her again. We didn't speak for a while after that, and both moved out of the flat.

Weirdly, we both moved to the same city because of our jobs. We got in touch again, and things went swimmingly. It was great.

At the time I lived with a guy I got on with well. He'd just broken up with his girlfriend, and seemed incredibly depressed about his situation.

The ex went on holiday, and we'd agreed that when she got back we'd find somewhere to rent together. When she came back, I got cold feet about the whole moving in idea. I told her I'd rather stay with my friend for a few more months, until the end of our contract. Neither me, or my girlfriend were under any pressure to move out of our then houses, and I thought she'd be fine about it.

She wasn't. She totally flipped out, saying me not wanting to move in meant that I didn't love her. To me, it just felt wrong. My friend was really down about splitting up with his girlfriend, and I felt sorry for him. He was easy to feel sorry for. I wanted to see him through the next few months, as he was talking about moving to a bigger city and having a fresh start (he did move to a big city, and I've never seen him so happy).

Months passed with me and my ex not talking. Then, out of the blue, she contacted me. We met again. I was overjoyed to see her, and there were obviously romantic sparks between us. She told me she'd bought a flat. After years of renting, she'd managed to get on a scheme to get a mortgage and a flat on her own. I was unbelievably happy for her.

We got on well for a bit longer, but then things went wrong again. It was great when we were together, but we were ignoring the bigger issues. I hadn't seen her parents for ages, and they'd soaked up most of her tears when we split, so understandably they didn't want us to be together. She had a new set of friends she didn't want me to meet.

The whole flat thing didn't help as well. I was (and still am) renting a place - I don't earn enough to be able to afford to buy. We discussed me moving in, but it's tricky because she owns the place and I'll be paying rent to her, so she won't let it happen.

Every time we argue, though, she brings up the fact that I had a chance to move in with her, but didn't. I do love her so much, and I know that she's the one for me - I really do want to start a family with her. For all the arguing, 99% of the time has been the best, happiest days of my life.

But it just seems to be going round in circles. We'll get on really well, then we'll have an argument about something petty, and it'll turn into a full-blown fight (not physical). Then we won't speak for a month or so, then see each other again, repeat ad nauseum. We had relationship counselling a few weeks ago, and it seemed like we were getting somewhere. But tonight's argument threw me off balance. It's a horrible situation to be caught in, each time we argue it becomes more and more painful for both of us.

What can I do to restore her faith in me? And how can I sort out the housing mess? I've said I'd be happy to pay her a lump some of cash to cover what she's spent on the flat so far, and I really don't mind about the whole paying rent to her thing. The way I see it is that I'll be investing in our future.

I apologise for rambling, and I hope this all makes sense. And I hope I don't come across as too much of an asshole.

Thanks in advance

Dating a drug-user?

clown-mustard — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 10:17:35 -0800

I've been seeing this guy for over 6 months now, and everything is absolutley wonderful, except that he's part of a circle of friends that are very much into recreational drug taking.. I have some experience of drugs, but am now firmly anti-drugs because of the health risks etc. The issue is, we keep having quite bitter arguments about drugs - where i'm arguing its too risky and that there arent enough advantages to recreational drug use, and he argues that they are used for temporarily removing the ego and personal growth and development, which cannot be attained (or not as easily attained) without tripping or getting high. His friends have also preached to me about the same things, and despite the fact that i feel like they are being the immature ones... i find myself being treated like this immature, "brain-washed" person who isn't at all open-minded.

I'm hoping this is something we can eventually both be mature about and just accept each others opinion.

Is there something i am obviously not understanding about drugs? (i have dabbled in the past)... This is now involving his friends, what can i do?

I have a people problem. I have no idea what it is.

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:59:16 -0800

I have a people problem. I have no idea what it is. A lot more inside. I have a people problem and I have no idea what it is. I'm late 20's, just married, an expat in China, out-going, friendly, and intelligent. I have been described as having a "strong" personality. I know I talk too much (as the length of this explanation attests). I get passionate about things. I don't easily let things go. Though I wouldn't call it a grudge, I can hold one for months and years but am willing to let them go if the other party can show even a hint of remorse, or acknowledgement of how I might have seen things, for previous wrongs. I try to make the first move, usually rebuffed, in those situations.

I'm defensive. I've been called a know-it-all and I would agree in that I rarely claim to know something I don't and will happily check Wikipedia on my phone at that very moment to see if I'm right. I hold my ground but can quickly let go in proportion to the amount of truth offered to show me wrong.

I think of myself as very logical. I'm defensive, but with a thick wall and many doors that open with a little bit of cool (or) reasoned thinking by the other person. In college, as one of the top lefties on campus, some of my best friends were the leaders of the College Republicans. I easily let myself be proven wrong if someone else is willing to "argue" (again, not my word of choice - "discuss" is more appropriate) it out with me. I admit that I really enjoy a discussion/argument that makes me think on my feet and ends with me knowing something, or seeing something, I didn't know or see before.

I am very informed. I spend way too much time in any given day keeping abreast of current events and nearly anything of interest to me. I used to pride myself in being able to have a conversation about almost anything, so long as it wasn't pop culture.

To recap, I feel I have embedded safeguards against being accused of being too aggressive, pig-headed, know-it-all or whatever. I hold my ground but move with my "opponent" if they have any real interest in fact-finding.

Despite this, though, relationships are exploding all around me. I'm tired of these blow-outs. I never seemed to have them in college but they're happening a lot now.

I'm convinced there's something with my personality type that just fundamentally rubs a lot of people the wrong way. I, mostly, like myself and can't see what anyone wouldn't like (except discussion about politics and any sort of argument, which I try to limit when I think it's trivial or going negative). I'm just blind to it.

The closest I can get is this: people (especially me) are emotional creatures and not inherently logical. However, the idea of trusting logic and debate/argument/Socratic dialogue over our emotions in everyday life as a way of resolving issues just hasn't caught on anywhere outside the political science and philosophy classrooms of America. My "enlightened" way is just pissing everyone around me off all the time and I'm treated in much the same regard as a fundamentalist Christian by many people - outside the mainstream culture, speaking an entirely different language, and using a different social code of conduct that frequently breaks down when used with people who aren't practicing a similar code.

I think my need to “call [things/people] out” is something I know most socially healthy people don't have. I go crazy though when I hear people say something that just isn't true – especially if it's easily verifiable. I regard sticking to a key “fact” or strong opinion while being unable to qualify, back down from, or verify as one of the worst character traits possible. In other words, I know I respond negatively to arrogance with a dose of my own unwelcome, but verifiable and condional, “truth”.

For what it's worth, I think a lot of this comes from surviving as a child in a household where black was frequently called white. My father and stepmother have a very fundamental problem telling, and maybe even knowing, the truth. Untruths and irrationally were frequently thrown at me and I had to teach myself to stand up to it. I developed a strong and rigorous "bullshit detection" system to stay sane. The residue is that maybe I just don't automatically trust the information in conversation as much as is likely normal.

For reference, recent “blow ups”

---helped a friend who had a computer he wanted to throw out that kept crashing. I offered to install Ubuntu as a dual OS (wubi), work out all the kinks, test to make sure there was no crashing , and explained the pro's and con's before the installation. He agreed. He proceeded to never use it and tell people I did nothing to help him. When I confronted him, he let me work on his computer to save face. The words “you're unable to live your life with any dignity” were used after the relatively polite “please stop talking shit” message was sent. Two weeks running now. He's my best friends roommate.

---a friend came over with his visiting mother with some take-out dishes of a specific regional cuisine. I really enjoyed one of the dishes but forgot the name. I asked him. He told me the name was X, but X is the name of a very different dish. I tell him it's not. I get a “fuck you” within a minute even though I never raise my voice and only offered to check online and ask my wife. Go to Flickr and Google Images, all confirming what I'm saying, but he won't buy it. He tells me people don't even want to meet me because they hear I always start fights over little things. Left unresolved and brewing.

---My sister skips my wedding. She tells me she can't afford to fly overseas. The whole trip would cost maybe $1200. She invokes her son, saying he would be hurt if she came and demanded my wife and I pay for her ticket if she were to come and that she could never ask her Porshe-driving fiance for a loan or any sort of help. Big fight. Later we offer to pay for half the ticket. After that I find out she got breast implants at the same time. She had paid for it up front but her new husband was going to re-reimburse. I call her out and say I felt betrayed. HUGE fight, no contact for months now.

---My father decides to sell my car after sitting on it and letting it rot for two years. My stepmother and he transfer my title over to my step brother-in-law for a shockingly small sum of cash. They determined the value of my car without contacting or consulting me at all. I try to find at least some rational and cross-verifiable method of verifying the “fair” cost using any online pricing book (kbb, edmunds) they'd like. They never agree. They get many details wrong, including basic things like the trimline (they chose basic instead of luxury). I, and wife, offer tons of proof to what we're saying. I finally provide irrefutable proof (Carfax) and never hear a response back. They never change the sum they're offering. Haven't spoken in months.

Add to this tons of people I meet, think I have at least a small connection with, but the friendship never goes anywhere and I can just feel they don't like me.

What am I doing that's pissing everyone off so bad? I'm a friendly guy, really, but I feel like I drive a lot of people away.

How do I cope with this with fundamentally changing who I am? Do you have experiences with people like me? What rubs you so wrong? Are you like me? What are your coping methods?

When Google just isn't enough.

valkyryn — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 10:58:49 -0800

Can anyone recommend a powerful textual search tool I can use on anything I want? So I'm looking for a powerful search tool for academic research. To clarify, I'm not having trouble finding sources. I want to be able to search within sources for inexact phrases.

As it turns out, Google is powerful in the sense that it can find terms almost anywhere, but the search engines on WestLaw and LexisNexis are ridiculously powerful in the arguments they allow you to use. For example, x /s y finds x in the same sentence as y; x /p y finds x in the same paragraph as y, x /5 y finds x within five words of y, etc.

This is incredibly useful, especially if a term is used in more than one way but I'm only interested in one of them. I would like to be able to do this with arbitrary text documents from sources like Project Gutenberg, but I can't seem to get Google (or Google Desktop) to do this. Does anyone have any ideas to either improve my google-fu or for an alternative search tool?

Web-based or Windows-compatible is fine, but I'd like to avoid paying for it if at all possible. Help me, hive mind!

Acquaintance of mine demands $210 from me immediatey...what to do?)

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:32:51 -0800

An acquaintance of mine insists I owe him $210 for a bong of his I broke. And to come up with the money NOW. Help! A short while ago, I was smoking out of a bong that belong to a friend of the person I was smoking with. I set it down to look up something on the internet, then when I got up my foot accidentally hit the stem and broke it. I told the owner (who was not present in said room at the time) that I broke his stem. He wasn't happy, but he thanked me for telling him. Shortly thereafter I left and went back to my place. The next day I get an email saying I owe the bong owner $210 for breaking his bong, since I apparently chipped the thing the thing that holds the downstem and it's beyond repair. Needless to say, as a poor college student who was just given a $382 ticket for M.I.P, I can't come up with that money; especially not in a few days.

How do I deal with an angry friend?

Surfyournut — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 12:26:36 -0800

After being refused a girl's phone number by a friend (on rather shakey grounds), I decided to get in touch with her via a social networking site we're all on. She's got a boyfriend, oh well. Meanwhile, said friend sees that we're now 'friends' on the site and sends a bunch of angry messages. Am I in the wrong, and how do I deal with this guy? [long] A mate introduced me to an amazingly hot girl in the supermarket, who seemed really nice. After he says he used to see her for a month or so back last year and tells me all sorts of things about how hot she is. As we're talking his current girlfriend (who he's head over heels for) comes over and we don't talk about it for the rest of the night.

A few nights later we're in the pub and I ask if I can have her number, give her a call, take her for a drink etc. He refuses to give it to me, his reasoning (contrary to the logical) was this:
Although he has an amazing girlfriend who he's very lucky to be with, he'd be gutted at the thought that he wasn't getting to sleep with said hot girl, whilst I was.

[I had expected something more like 'we used to go out, but it didn't end well, sorry man, I'd rather you stayed away from her. - which I could have accepted]

So he refused to give me her number, and we leave it with me being annoyed at him and saying 'I'll meet her some other way then'.

I got in touch via the social networking site we're all on and said 'hi, remember me, fancy a drink?' To which she replied that she was flattered, but has a lovely boyfriend. Oh well. Added her as a friend, haven't bothered with her since.

Upon seeing that we're now 'friends' on the site, my friend flips out, writes on my page:
you sly, deceiving snake in the grass! I see what you've done. nothing gets passed me you little tinker! now I’m pissed off with you!

Then another text today saying:
Dude, what's with you adding [hot girl] on [social networking site]? Bit harsh man. You know I wasn't cool with it. Bit fucking sly man, not cool. How's tricks anyways?

And a third message today reading:
I text you dude. you know whats up. god is watching, and knows you are a bad friend. GOD IS WATCHING!!
(which was a little weird to say the least)

ANYWAY, had he actually forbidden me to ever meet this girl again I would have been rather annoyed, but would have stayed away. Had he said anything when I said I'd talk to her some other way, I'd have probably taken him a little more seriously.

My thoughts: He's being a greedy kid. He has an awesome girlfriend who he is very lucky to have (considering how much of an arse he can be) and is being unbelievably selfish. Then again, was it selfish of me to go after her regardless of the fact that he had used to see her? From what I could gleam of his relationship with this girl she was great for a month or so, but she was too immature for him and very clingy, so he finished things.

I'm left not knowing how to even approach this with my friend. I've been at work all day and am working late and can quite frankly do without him getting on my case about talking to a girl. I've nearly rung him a couple of times today but actually can't be bothered with the argument I know we'd have as I don't think he'd even be rational about it. We'll have to talk about it sooner or later and now I've delayed my response he's even more annoyed.

On another note, the first and third message were posted on my page on said website, which his current girlfriend can easily see. I'm genuinely confused as to why he'd want to even risk the chance that she'd gain an inkling of what's going on as if she knew what he'd said he'd surely be for the high jump.

So the question is: Was I wrong to ask this girl out? And how do I deal with my angry friend?

Everyone loses...except the audience

Christ, what an asshole — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 12:02:23 -0800

I'm one of those people who takes "teh internetz" seriously, and nothing turns me on quite like a verbal smackdown for the ages. What are some of the most memorable instances of rhetorical tai chi you've come across that can send my libido into overdrive?

Fight fight fight.

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:54:10 -0800

Help my girlfriend and me end this stupid and (I suspect) fairly common dynamic of arguing. It's pretty straightforward. I have something of a quick temper and she tends towards defensiveness. Thus: we disagree about something, I get too angry too quickly, and this causes her to "shut down" to any points I'm trying to make, however valid. This, of course, makes me angrier, and so the fight escalates cyclically, each of us feeding the bad behavior of the other. And duh, it's only happening more frequently since we moved in together.

I unhappily suspect that I'll always have something of a short fuse. Her defense mechanisms often cause her to use hyperbole, misdirection and other such "dirty argument tricks" which, again, only frustrate me further. In all honestly, I'm happy to keep chiseling away at my little mountain of anger and I look forward to learning how to better manage it. But trying to rewire such deep-seated personality trait will be much more rewarding if I know that she's trying to help by trying not to do some of the stuff that I find so frustrating. So then, I'm looking for advice for either/both of us.

I should add that we haven't tried the "just walk away" maneuver. Part of me suspects that we'd just pick up where we left off when we walk back in, but I'm open to consideration if you folks have had good experiences with it.

Okay, so what are some things I can do to control my angry outbursts, and what are some things she can do to control her tendency to shut down in the face of them?

Is it me or is it you?

gadha — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 16:41:48 -0800

I am having difficulty figuring out whether our arguments are normal in a relationship or whether they're poisonous. I'm in my late 20's in my second serious relationship with a girl, the relationship has been going for about six months so it's still fairly new. I have some questions regarding arguments/discussions/conflict resolvement in a relationship. These questions are very difficult to formulate clearly so I will try and use specific examples to illustrate my points. I am looking for general advice (any level) drawn from literature and/or personal experience.

We generally get on well, however, sometimes arguments are triggered on perceptions on her part of what I *might* be implying

Example: Last week where I went to see her for valentines -- we were sitting at a table in a restaurant and I had been with her for 2 days.

I asked her "how much have I spent in the last 2 days?" and went on to recount. The idea being (honestly) that as she was with me she would be able to plug any holes in the recount.

I then proceeded to total up (verbally) the amounts. Her reaction was a very sharp, spiteful "don't worry, I'll pay you back", at which point I reassured her this had nothing to do with me outlining my spending it was just me working out numbers so I have a rough idea of what's in my account.

While this is a specific example, I find myself having to defend myself on many similar to this -- where I have no ill intention and it seems to be perceived as a direct attack and/or accusation.

b) Actual arguments. There are some things about the arguments which I find a little bit insulting:

i. She will always call me to attention like I'm a schoolboy. "Come here right now, stand here and tell me what you meant about x,y,z".

I have talked to her about this but it doesn't change. My hackles rise considerably when I'm addressed like I'm a little kid. However, I'm open to the idea that this may actually be the way she initiates a discussion/argument. She says it's so.

ii. Arguments always seem cyclical and never-ending. I hate to say this but I sometimes feel like no matter what the starting issue I am going to end up hammered. Usually she starts off on something small and recent then progressively brings in things that happened longer and longer ago, some of which have been discussed and (allegedly) resolved long long ago.

It only ever stops when it turns into a blazing row where I take a time-out to go sit somewhere else as that changes the focus of the argument. Then, a regroup is called for, and things slowly sorted out.

iii. Nothing is ever let "go". I grew up in an environment where my parents would let small petty issues or arguments just go without discussion of every single detail. Example, a discussion/argument on the dinner table about my dad getting home late may end up in a change of subject and generally forgotten. With her she will bring up every single small issue for MAJOR discussion, sometimes weeks later. Again, I accept I have seen one p-o-v and other argument/resolvement models may work this way.

iv. In the argument she will attack me transitively. "Oh, you think because you went to XXX you are soooo clever" or "oh, you think you're the only one who can do ABC" etc... -- these attacks are SHARPLY attacking me as an individual and my character/personality.

Sometimes I take the bait (more out of frustration) and respond with "yes, yes I can -- so what?" which escalates things a lot.

v. The thing bothering me the most -- when we argue, she often ends up in a flood of tears and very very distraught when in actual fact the argument is NOWHERE as serious.

Case in point, the above example of the money count had her crying almost hysterically and me feeling really bad but not knowing why she was so upset about it. Even worse, sometimes she strikes out (half-heartedly) when upset. It's never intended to hurt so I'm not accusing her of being an abuser but I can't help feeling a little bit shocked at how upset she seems to get over seemingly not-so-serious things. Her response to this is that she is a very passionate person who feels deeply about things, which again, I am willing to accept because it seems plausible

I realise this is a long, open-ended question but I would ask for advice. Have other me-fites been with people who have exhibited this sort of behaviour? I would like to think yes, this is normal and she just comes from a different background/upbringing as myself. However, the reason I ask is because I'm not so sure anymore.

How to deal with a stubborn friend

furtive — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 08:27:25 -0800

How do I deal with a friend who is adamant that the moon landings are faked? I've asked my friend that we avoid the topic of the moon landing in our regular conversation since we're obviously at odds on the subject, unfortunately it regularly creeps in when third parties are involved and quickly escalates to a serious degree of frustration.

I'm well aware of badastronomy.com and have seen the Kubrick mockumentary, but these have little impact on my friend. At this point I'm either looking for more succinct "stop and think" points, or points that might make him realize that consternation does not triumph logic and science. Otherwise, I'm looking for suggestions to just have him let the topic go.

For the record he is a good friend of mine but not necessarily an intellectual peer

How do you respectfully tell someone they're nosy?

IndigoRain — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:26:42 -0800

How far must you go to be kind to your elders? Details inside. My grandma (dad's mom) is the family gossip, and recently inquired to my dad about some personal business of mine. My dad said, "it's no one's business," and my grandma, unaccustomed to this, said, "what did you say?!" My uncle was there and said, "I think he said it doesn't concern you." She said, "oh," and there was nothing more said about it. I was not present when all this happened.

However, we have a family gathering tomorrow, and I expect her to ask me about this personal business of mine. I said to my parents that if she asks, I simply intend to (calmly) tell her, "I think my dad already said it's none of your business, didn't he?" (I'm 26). I did not intend to sound angry when I say it.

My parents are acting like this is horrible. My dad said something like "just let her go to her grave... don't say anything." She's 87, and her health is fine... we have no indication she's going to go any time soon. Furthermore, just a couple of weeks ago, my dad told her off for something else entirely... so I hardly think it's his place to tell me to be nice to her. He didn't scream or curse, but he told her he was very annoyed about how when he came to visit, all she did was complain about what was on TV, or some such stuff. My grandma told everyone else that "he read her the riot act."

Admittedly she's sensitive, but how is it so rude for me to simply say, "it's none of your business?" My mom said it would be polite to say I don't want to talk about it, but why should I have to bend over backwards to be polite when everyone else also complains about her nosiness and gossip?

THE UNIVERSE etc.

iced_borsch — Sun, 08 Jan 2006 22:12:13 -0800

Do we live in a natural world or a supernatural world? These days, I lean towards the former, but I could be convinced otherwise with a solid pummeling of persuasive arguments, essays, rants, websites, diatribes, etc.

Where do you stand in the debate? Are you a theist? An atheist? An agnostic? Why or why not? Does the possibility of a godless universe depress you or excite you?

Similarly, is the universe a cold, lonely place with only rare occurences of life, or is it teeming with life? Why or why not?

When is enough enough?

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Oct 2005 07:03:57 -0800

In an otherwise great relationship, is it normal to have moments where you feel completely fed up? I'm not posting to have everyone pat me on the back and make me feel warm and fuzzy, I'm after the sort of large sample size response that asking a handful of friends just doesn't achieve.

I'm in a relationship that I would say is the best I've been in, but there have been times when I just think, "that's it, this is unacceptable". It's never things with a history, or things that have been a long time coming, it's inconsequential stuff. Foe example, she might be in a bad mood, over-react at me, and I'll be so mad at the (perceived) unjustified attack that I'll want to call it off then and there.

Given that this isn't a frequent thing, am I just over reacting myself? Maybe the answer is that the only way to avoid this is to never be in a relationship -- it comes with the territory, and it happens to everyone once in a while. Or maybe it's masochistic to think that this is normal relationship material.

I'm 20 -- I don't have a lot of relationship experience. So, from what only experience can teach, how normal is this?

How do I learn to pull my punches?

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Oct 2005 22:24:07 -0800

How do I learn to fight fair? Once or twice a year, I end up completely flipping out over a completely insignificant event that results in a drag-out, no-holds-barred argument. I'll be the first to admit that hormones are a major factor in these cases. When this happens, I find myself completely unable to behave in a rational manner. I drag in previous relationship drama, I make statements that I know are deeply hurtful and unfair and essentially commit emotional blackmail. After a few hours I come to my senses but I would much prefer that it not happen in the first place. Let me completely clear here: I love, cherish, and respect my spouse of many years. 363 days out of the year we are happy, we resolve our issues with moderate maturity, and while there is good-natured ribbing and occasional bickering, the household is peaceful and happy. This is not deep rooted passive aggressiveness bursting out. As far as I can tell, with as much candor as is possible in self-examination, I learned how to fight dirty from observing my very unhappy parents. I cannot seem to shake the reflex to go to the mattresses when an argument escalates. When I became aware of the behavior, I made a conscious effort to stop and have been mostly successful in keeping fights about the issue at hand and keeping PMS from causing a fight every month. The problem is when I fail to keep my emotions in check. On these occasions I find myself deeply hurt over small things and unable to restrain myself from using every emotional weapon available to me. I hate it. After the fact I can recognize that I was unfair and cruel but in the heat of the argument the reality that I am hurting the person that I love does not register and I lash out.

This is not a common occurrance, but I would like to make it a nonexistant one. The "just do it" attitude works most of the time but there are still instances when my reactions are not based on that of a reasonable person but that of a cornered animal and my instincts in that situation are abysmal. I am apparently an excellent pupil and am all too good at making devastatingly hurtful comments. My spouse has been patient and understanding and does not engage me in these arguments. He endures it until the wrath wears off and I am human again, which only makes the guilt worse. In retrospect, argument may be the wrong word to use as it is more of a one sided assault. I know rationally what must be done, the problem is actually being able to do it when I am feeling nothing but rage. How can I keep from acting and speaking out of spite in my worst moments? My honest feeling is that most couples experience occasional strife and I truly believe that we are not unusual in this regard. I know that sounds an awful lot like denial, but in the interest of getting useful feedback, I have attempted to lay down the soul baring truth as I know it. I am very good at fighting, but it is not a sport that I wish to excel in.

Picking Sides

gottabefunky — Fri, 23 Apr 2004 14:39:29 -0800

Your significant other is in a disagreement with someone and looks to you to back him/her up. You think the other person is right and your s.o. is wrong. Quick: what do you do?