Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with anxiety

Is this legit or a bunch of hooey?

PuppetMcSockerson — Wed, 22 May 2013 04:27:11 -0800

Can anyone tell me if Audio Visual Entrainment (AVE) actually does anything? Does it actually help with depression/anxiety, or is it all just a bunch of hooey? Is it worth the money?

Going to the mental health clinic, what can I expect in the time ahead?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 May 2013 06:51:49 -0800

I made an appointment at a local clinic. Assuming things start well (right Dr.+ right drugs). What can I expect 2-3 years down the road? After years of fighting myself, I'll be going to a mental health clinic in about two weeks. I recently made a distinction between an unhealthy inability to have motivations/enjoyment and what feels like an "inner wall" which I always have social troubles with. But life shouldn't be a mix of depression plus whatever other condition one has. I want a family of my own, a place of my own, a supportive spouse, some friends, interests I actually eagerly follow... I have a job, great... but I have none of those other goals now and can't even imagine having any of that the way I handle myself now. It is just a black hole beyond being someone's good acquaintance.

So I'm getting help.

I don't want to waste more time fighting myself all the time to do even the easiest of things. Last weekend I set a very easy to do item for each day and did it fine. Every week before this was going to work every weekday, mentally exhausted back at home and just spending time at home trying to recharge my mind. This can happen for 3/4's of the year basically. Why repeat this for years and never get any actual personal life goals done? I don't get it. The main reason why I was able to call up the clinic I'm going to is that I finally argued myself on taking medication. I already take a supplement of sorts for another condition (life long one as well), why hesitate to treat another illness in the same way?

So I'm getting help. Finally after years of fighting alone.

I'm not entirely sure what my other condition is (the inner wall). The main thing is, I'm really "habit" or routine based and among a few other self-reflections I find that in recent years I have leaned toward Aspergers... But there are plenty of Aspergers who live fine doing what they like right? I can't even do that right now.

So anyway, I'm getting help. I dread all the time I might spend on this, but the time I waste fooling around punching myself is just as bad.

Due to my company's financials I do not expect to not have my job in 2-3 years. Besides all those personal goals, I need to be stable enough to look for a job again. I'm in my late twenties and yes, I wish I had this question years ago.

So for any of you who have had similar "co-existing" conditions looked at in therapy or at the psychiatrist... How did it go? 2-3 years down the road, is everything 180 degrees different?
Throwaway: yankoponpon@gmail.com

Please don't let middle school go on forever in my head.

silly me — Sun, 19 May 2013 08:33:12 -0800

People don’t like me. Somehow, I’m one of those individuals who rub most of the population the wrong way. All right, then. With that knowledge, how do I move ahead and have a decent life? I’ll attempt a quick summary: from elementary school on I’ve been that person that other people don’t like. I was and am timid, anxious, approval-seeking and oversensitive, with an unfortunate tendency to blurt out inappropriate remarks or non-sequiturs. I’m pretty sure that I have sluggish cognitive tempo, which may explain my difficulty with conversation—any kind of conversation, ranging from small talk to the “big issue” crap that introverts like me are supposed to excel at. As a result, I don’t enjoy social activities at all. This has been a lifelong problem. I'll spare you the description of my childhood experiences.

Now that I’m approaching middle age, I continue to rake myself over the coals for failing at this most basic task of being human: making connections with others. I frequently feel left out by coworkers, I lament my lack of solid friendships, I dread parties and unscripted social interactions, and am kind of a disaster professionally.

I’m perfectly happy when I’m alone and pursuing things that interest me (none of which are remunerative). I have issues I care deeply about, and I pursue them. At the same time, though, I must earn a living. I must go out into the world and face up to my awkwardness every day. And my consistent unpopularity leads me to believe that there is something genuinely off or wrong with me. This thought nags at me like a problem that can't be solved.

My question, then, is how to let all of this go and philosophically approach the fact that most people are not going to like me. I realize that everyone has people who don’t like them, but given my personal characteristics I seem to cast a wider net than most. I want to continue living; I want to have a decent life. I don’t want to drag myself around for the next 30 years all bummed out about my unpopularity. I’ve always thought of acceptance by others as being a prerequisite for having a good life and being a good person, but what if it’s not? Is it possible to hold down a meaningful job and have fulfilling hobbies and a full life while also being an involuntary loner?

(I’m really looking for attitudes about or viewpoints on the topic that I maybe hadn’t considered, and that proceed from the basic assumption that I’m never going to have easy relationships with others. I’ve already spent decades trying the usual stuff to improve my social skills: therapy, drugs, going to work five days a week, volunteering, not avoiding parties and family gatherings and other things that I’d rather stay home from. These are all great suggestions, but not what I’m looking for.)

Can you two just please introduce yourselves because I have no idea!

iamkimiam — Sat, 18 May 2013 01:21:37 -0800

I've had this silly and embarrassing little problem for years and I'm noticing that it's getting worse. Sometimes, when I run into somebody I know or if I'm introducing somebody I know to somebody they don't know, I truly blank out on the name of the person I know. This most always happens with people I know really well (close friends, family, etc.) and I really, really forget. It's like there's this big hole that appears in my head where their name used to be. I panic and try to grab onto anything in my head to lead me to knowing their name. It rarely if ever works. It's now happening about once-a-week, always with someone whose name I should know really well, always during social interaction, and doesn't ever seem to be related to stress or social anxiety situations. I usually need them to say their name (Atreyuuuuu...) or I need to go look them up to break the memory jam. At any rate, it's rather embarrassing and I never know what to do, e.g., my insta-panic and stuttering ramble that kicks in when I find myself in this situation. I'm wondering why this is happening, what I can do about it (especially classy ways to fess up when their name doesn't come to me), and if I should be concerned about it (symptom of a bigger problem)?

Just started anxiety medication, having severe anxiety attacks

Dynex — Thu, 16 May 2013 16:03:58 -0800

I just started taking 5mg of cipralex three days ago and am currently having the worst anxiety attack of my life. It's almost physically painful. Is this normal? I haven't felt like this since I had a seriously bad trip on mushrooms!! Mentally I feel mostly ok, it's just like there's an alarm going off in the back of my head freaking out and I'm sweating. It's a nice day out, nothing bad happened or is happening, this is surreal. I feel slightly stoned as well and have a bit of the stupids, which isn't helping.

If it is normal, how do I deal? Bad effects are supposed to wear off after two weeks, but I don't think I can handle this for that long. Honestly, the generalized anxiety and depression were much much easier.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay - therapist edition

guessthis — Thu, 16 May 2013 02:41:59 -0800

Should I find a new therapist when I'm only in town for 6 more months? I have been in therapy for about 2.5 years, twice a week for most of that time but in the last couple of months, only once a week. I originally sought treatment for anxiety related to my parents, who disapprove of my partner because he is of a different ethnicity. My therapist describes what she does as psychoanalysis. She never speaks before I do at the start of a session. She gently asks me questions about my feelings and experiences. She suggests ways of looking at things, but she never tells me what she thinks is the solution. If I ask her direct questions, like "What do you think I should do?" or "Was this out of line?" she won't give me her opinion, she will try to help me understand how I feel about the situation by asking more questions.

I do feel I have gotten a lot out of therapy. I do understand myself better, and I can see very clearly how my childhood has shaped who I am. I have better boundaries with my parents, though our relationship is still more distant and strained than I would like, and I still find it very tough to enforce my boundaries or create new ones.

The trouble is, though I understand myself much better, I don't feel I have the tools or skills or whatever I need to actually enforce changes in my life. I feel like I need more direct, straightforward advice or some kind of action plan to follow, and therapy is not giving me that. I still feel anxious most of the time, my gut is usually cramped up with it. I'm not sure of the next step with my parents, my relationship of almost 7 years is going really badly - we're about to break up, partly because my boyfriend thinks I'm not direct enough with my feelings. I'm such a mess.

In addition, though I don't wish to self-diagnose, I think I may have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and this has never really been addressed by my therapist. For as long as I can remember, I have suffered anxiety over silly things like whether or not my teddies are touching the edges of the bed (as a child) or how the door mat lies in our hallway (as an adult). I also check things a lot - the lights, the oven, the sink - multiple times every time I leave a room. This got better for a bit, but right now it's worse than it has ever been and I'm worried people in the office are going to notice. My therapist knows all of this, but she has never said much about it other than to tell me it's a manifestation of my anxiety.

Typically, a full course of analysis takes four years to complete, says my therapist. I only plan to remain in this country (not my home country) for another 6 months, so I will not reach the end of the course. Is there any point to switching therapists now? It might take me several weeks to find a new therapist anyway - there are not that many native-English speakers here, and they are often fully booked. But on the other hand, after I move it will be a while before I can afford therapy again. Should I try a different approach to therapy while I still have the chance? Will I still get something out of it even if it's just a few months? Or am I unjustly dissatisfied with my current treatment - do I just need patience?

Bonus question: is there anything self-directed I can do to supplement my therapy which might bring about the changes I'm looking for?

Datapoint: I have never been in therapy before. At university (UK) I was prescribed antidepressants (Prozac) following an incident of self-harm after a bad break-up. I filled out a form, had a 15 minute chat with the doctor and left the office with a prescription - I can't really remember if the Prozac did much except make me nauseous, and I am angry at the experience of being fobbed off with drugs without being given other options. So I am hesitant and a bit mistrustful of the antidepressant option, but at this point so miserable that I would be open to it.

Thanks so much in advance for any thoughts you may have.

"Hey could you be sober for a night or two? I'd really appreciate it!"

Anonymous — Wed, 15 May 2013 20:46:36 -0800

Is there a polite way to ask my alcoholic parent to please stay sober for my college graduation, or is this an inappropriate subject to broach this late in the situation? Any tips for handling a visibly intoxicated relative without being rude or putting them on the defensive? Help! I have an alcoholic parent. I've spent my entire life making excuses for their weird behavior at anything that took place after approximately 3 in the afternoon, but now I am fed up. My college graduation is at the end of this month and I am worried that my parent will embarrass me at both the ceremony itself as well as a reception held the day before, where some of my professors will be present (this is a very small school, so if my advisor or other professors are there social interaction is inevitable). I've never been able to bring up my parent's drinking without them getting enraged and defensive, but I really desperately want this to not be a worry during my event.

I know from experience that, barring a serious conversation (although this has never worked before), them drinking is almost inevitable. From the embarrassment and the stress of dealing with this parent, I get incredibly grumpy and easily upset when they are drunk around me, and as I am extremely sensitive to their drunkenness I'm really worried that this will ruin a milestone event for me. Is there a way to approach an alcoholic about their drinking that won't risk ruining everything even more in advance? Because I am now of age and drink occasionally, their new tactic is to accuse me of being the one with the problem (I drink mostly socially although sometimes alone after an exceptionally stressful week, but it is not an alarming amount), which is wearing me down even more. If their drunkenness is inevitable, what is a good coping mechanism? I'm afraid that everyone will think I'm the weirdo with the obnoxious parent, as I've been my whole life. What do other people do to survive big events with alcoholic family members?

CBT headshrinkers in Pittsburgh

woolly — Tue, 14 May 2013 16:01:53 -0800

Can you offer any recommendations for CBT-centered therapists in and around the Pittsburgh area, ideally east end? I'm looking for a CBT psychologist to provide therapy in conjunction with meds. I have Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and symptoms of PTSD. I am looking to learn CBT skills to help me cope with these issues that stick their dirty hands into my life and soil everything that makes it good and fun and worth it.

So far in therapy I have tried EMDR (didn't seem to do the trick for me), as well as regular talk therapy - the kind that felt like not much was getting done aside from chit-chat type conversation about day-to-day occurrences in my life, which became frustrating when I didn't want to fork over the co-pays for casual conversation.

I take Effexor 150mg once daily, and my psychiatrist expects to potentially increase the dose sometime soon if my symptoms do not improve even more. I also have Ativan .5mg on hand for dire situations and/or panic attacks.

I have a tendency to put off finding a therapist because of the previous experiences not working out, and because it's all a bit weird and awkward for me, but I really need to get this accomplished as my life has been threatened by these things in recent history, I'm a lifelong self-injurer with two suicide attempts in my past.

My primary issue in life is currently my anxiety and a recent spike has me motivated to find a good, solid therapist who can help me learn CBT. Pittsburgh area, preferably east side. I have widely accepted insurance. Suggestions? Thanks.

Psych meds: taking my doctor at face value

mirepoix — Tue, 14 May 2013 15:25:26 -0800

My pdoc wants to decrease the dosage of a medication that has proven to work well for me, while increasing the dosage of an expensive designer drug that the jury is still out on. I'm skeptical. You are not my psychiatrist. You do not know my medical history. You do not have x-ray goggles to see inside my brain. Right, sorted.

I am in the U.S., insured on an HMO plan that is affiliated with my state's high-risk program.

I've been on Lexapro for depression and anxiety issues since late 2006. I've found it to be very effective in helping me function with day-to-day stuff -- it hasn't made all the depressive feelings go away, it just allows me to live my life and be productive, which is the most important thing for me. For a long, long time, it was expensive and not available as a generic. It finally went generic and I was thrilled. Finally, a happy nexus of efficacy and affordability!

It was right around that time that the pdoc added a small amount of Abilify into the mix -- I gave it a shot, although I didn't really notice a change. I continued to take Abilify until my insurance plan year started over and I had a new annual deductible to pay down. I got to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and all the blood drained out of my face when they told me my cost for a one-month supply would be $500 (out of pocket; my benefits won't start until I've paid off the deductible). So... no thanks, I've already proven I can survive just fine without it.

But: I just checked in with my pdoc and he thinks the Abilify was working GREAT for me, wants to put me on even more of the stuff, while halving my dosage of the Lexapro. The same Lexapro that has been crucial to my emotional well-being for 6 1/2 years. I expressed concerns, and he said that the only alternative he could come up with was to try me on Wellbutrin, but he didn't want the weight-gain side effect for me. I already struggle with my weight.

Questions:

1) Like I said, you're not my doctor, but should I take at face value that this pdoc has my best interests in mind here? Now that Lexapro is generic, is he under pressure from drug reps to push the Hot New Thing on every patient that walks in? Do drug reps basically have doctors by the balls these days?

2) I honestly don't notice much of a difference with the added Abilify, although my doctor says he does. If I can survive with the level of depression and anxiety I have at present -- some bad days, but no suicidal ideation or anything -- is it worth the dent in my finances to be marginally happier? I know the cost will come down once the benefits kick back in, but I still feel like I'm being robbed of my ability to enjoy being on my nice little generic and the system is laughing at me and saying "screw you."

Anecdata welcome.

My feelings were hurt. Should I say anything at all?

orangutan — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:49:46 -0800

I told my friend about an experience that caused me anxiety in the past. I felt that her responses were tone-deaf and hurtful. Was it? And should I say anything, even though the moment has passed? If so, what should I say? I shared a well written and thoughtful post with my friend this afternoon. First, she responded to the article, "I don't understand why she was so scared of that guy. I wouldn't've been. He wasn't a threat -- he was a moron. Maybe it's because I know why guys do things like that."

I told my friend that I understood the author's fear. I also said that sometimes people who commit these acts go on to stalk their victims.

A year ago, a man followed me from my bus stop and stalked me for about a mile and a half. At some point, he approached me; though I walked away from him as quickly as I could, I didn't know what to do or where to go. I didn't want him to know where I lived, so I walked for miles through residential neighborhoods as he continued to follow me. Eventually I came across an outdoor party in someone's driveway/yard. I don't know why I did this -- again, I was completely paralyzed -- I went ahead and pretended to be part of the party. Poured myself some cold water, and stood in a circle of chatting people. After about ten minutes of very awkward conversation, I saw that the man had left. I left the party and walked back home.

Then she responded, "Good thing the BBQ happened, but why not call the cops?"

I'm not sure why I didn't call the cops. But I have some pretty severe anxiety. (I'm in therapy.) Also, once the whole thing was over I didn't feel up to going over it again with anyone else. I tried to explain myself and say it wasn't so simple. That I didn't know what he was going to do, and that I was just focused on getting away from him.

Then she said, "When you were at the bbq you knew what was going on and you were in a safe spot, that could be a good time to call."

I guess I tried to explain why I did what I did, but she offered possible solution after possible solution (lots of "you could have done ___"s) and after a while I just felt lousy over an event that happened three years ago. Finally, she changed the topic.

Perhaps I should've said something. I don't know. I feel like what she said was insensitive. If it was, what should I say?

What to do in Montreal?

GlassHeart — Sun, 12 May 2013 23:36:32 -0800

I'll be in Montreal and Longueuil, Quebec, Canada for two weeks. What budget-friendly things should I do there? In a few days I'll be heading off, by train, to Montreal and Longueuil, Quebec, Canada and am not sure what, other than chill with my family, to do there.

I want to avoid doing costly activities and don't plan on spending more than $1000 CAD (I'll likely be spending much less than that).

I'll be spending most of my time in Longueuil, but should also be spending much time in Montreal.

Though I can speak French, I'm not fluent in it. But that shouldn't be much of a problem since I'll be with bilingual family members of mine who can act as translators for me when in very French places (supposedly most of Longueuil is very French) which means I can go pretty much anywhere without worrying much about language barriers. So please don't limit yourself to recommending very English places.

Questions regarding Montreal and Longueuil:

What are some good liquor stores there that sell beers such as Hoegaarden, Duvel and Holsten Festbock? Is Holsten Festbock, a great, cheap German beer (IMO; many beer connoisseurs would scoff at me for saying so), easily found in Montreal?

What are some good vegan restaurants there (I'm not vegan, but my partner, who'll be there with me, is)?

What are some interesting Quebec-exclusive products I should buy there?

What are some must-eat-at, budget-friendly, non-vegan restaurants there (anyone here been to Restaurant Lou Nissart? It's one restaurant I'm considering dining at)?

What are some must-see things there (I hope to snap lots of interesting photos there)?

What are some places that sell high-end colognes like Zino Davidoff or Rochas Man (I want to smell good while there)?

Questions regarding trains:

Do you handle your checked baggage yourself, or does someone else do it for you?

I'll be transferring trains on the way to and on the way back from Montreal . . . do you have to do much walking when transferring trains?

What's it like taking a train across Canada (the train ride will be extremely long and I don't really know what to expect on it. This is the first time I'll be traveling alone and am scared I'll lose my baggage—something which would be a huge bummer)?

Where exactly on the train does your checked baggage go?

Would it be stupid of me to bring expensive (closed) semi-portable headphones with me on the train (I've cheap, high-quality "beater" headphones that I could bring with me. But they're open, leak a ton of sound and I'm quite certain they'd annoy people on the train which would prevent me from getting use out of them)? Would there be much risk of them breaking on the train ride? I fear I'll be bored out of my mind if I don't bring headphones with me . . .

Is a referral better than a cold call? How do they work?

mock muppet — Sat, 11 May 2013 13:12:11 -0800

My insurance doesn't require referrals to specialists. I've never seen a specialist for a specific problem that wasn't initiated and referred by my doctor. If I want/need to see a specialist for something, does it make sense to see my doctor first and ask for a referral, or find a (random) specialist myself? On the other side, when does a doctor not give referrals? Up until now, I've always been referred to surgeons and radiologist and other "procedural" specialists for specific issues recognized by my nephrologist. Until this week, I hadn't had a separate Primary Care Provider since I was a child. My insurance doesn't require me to have one (though encourages it), and I hadn't had general issues important enough to bother with getting one.

Recently I talked with a social worker about issues I've been having with depression and anxiety. She recommended I find a PCP and bring it to him/her in order to get referred to a psychiatrist and/or therapist. She wasn't able to get a referral for me to any specific GP, but gave me a (vague, eventually useless) list of doctors to try. After a couple of false starts, I eventually managed to get an appointment with a doctor who is now my PCP.

When I saw him at the introductory appointment, he said he didn't refer patients (or wouldn't refer me specifically? I'm not sure) for psychiatric issues, and I'd have to find my own. So I'm back to square one with that.

It makes me wonder, more generally, when you don't strictly need a referral for your insurance, does it always make sense to see your PCP first anyway, for a referral or a recommendation? When and why do doctors sometimes refuse to make referrals? Is it because the issue is too general ("depression and anxiety" vs. "consult for angiogram")?

When is it not appropriate or unexpected to call your PCP's office and ask for a referral to see a specialist, when they'll just tell you to find one yourself and make an appointment?

How to quell baseless anger and anxiety?

A god with hooves, a god with horns — Wed, 08 May 2013 10:10:45 -0800

I've been randomly angry and anxious lately and I don't want to be. What can I do? Over the last few weeks and especially this week, I have been randomly anxious and angry. It does not make sense because my anxiety is under control (I am self-aware and comply with my medication and "graduated" from CBT) and anger is not an emotion I usually have or know what to do with. This has been interfering with my sleep and causing a vicious circle. I'd like to take care of this without either going back to therapy or upping my medication.

My life is better than it has ever been before. I have a lot of important stuff on my plate, but I have complete confidence in my and my partner's abilities to deal with it. I deal with problems by either dealing with them and knowing I did the best I can or letting them roll off me if they're not the sort of problems I can deal with. Lately I am angry as a baseline and it is making me angry at life's little jabs (someone saying something stupid, a commercial I do not like, being stuck in traffic) which isn't something I'm used to or comfortable with, or a productive way of living IMO.

I vaporize (not smoke, FYI) pot as a nightcap on weekdays (but only after getting done at home what needs to be done) and sometimes on weekends. It's never very much. I also occasionally use it instead of taking lorazepam. My diet is better than it has ever been, and I am eating healthy most of the time. I do not exercise as I have a ligament issue in my knee which makes many kinds of exercise very painful, which is not an excuse I know.

I am unhappy with this and the apparent baselessness of the anger and anxiety is contributing to the vicious circle. What can I do?

Big life changes and feeling unsettled

brambory — Mon, 06 May 2013 14:49:56 -0800

Do I need professional help or just time? I've been feeling anxious and stressed for the past three months, and I'm having a hard time parsing if this is due to this being an exceptionally...erm...challenging point in my life or if some sort of anxiety or depression has settled on me. In short, in the past 3 months I've: redecorated and put our house on the market, moved overseas, started living with my in-laws, submitted my PhD, possibly bought a house here (dependent on the bank finally sending the money), and started a short-term consultancy position. Midway through all of this, my husband developed a quite serious infection and spent a week in the hospital (although he's better now). Currently, we're living in my in-law's house, and it's generally going ok, although it's been a bit of a shock to go from living in our 3-bed house to having just one bedroom in a house that's not ours. Oh, and we also have a 1 year old son. (And two cats, though they require considerably less work).

For the past few months, I've felt run down and struggled to be my 'normal' self. I feel like crying often, and would love to sleep and do....something, though I'm not sure what. I feel lonely and like my reserves are all gone. I'm having a hard time feeling any enthusiasm for the future. Since the PhD has been submitted, I've had some time to do relaxing things (dinner with Mr. Brambory, a morning of sketching, some sewing), but the feelings haven't really lifted. Part of me is excited to start this new phase in life, but it's fighting against a much larger beast of concerns, worries, and exhaustion.

I've been putting this down to the all-nighters I put in to finish my PhD, the stress of moving, and everything else listed above, but I also have a history of mild anxiety and depression (though only partially dealt with professionally). Also, I've had a week since my PhD was submitted and a very nice morning on Sunday all to myself, but still this unwanted cloud is here.

So, how much of this is a normal reaction and how much of this screams, 'find a doctor'?

What do I do with these very, very strong feelings?

My Famous Mistake — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:21:03 -0800

I just had a weekend (non-adulterous) affair with someone who lives halfway across the country. It went well, incredibly well, so well, and now she has gone back home and I am experiencing a massive onslaught of feelings and I am not sure how to proceed and maintain my sanity. Details inside. This is someone I knew a long time ago and last week reconnected with through facebook. She happened to be visiting my town over the weekend and we agreed to meet. We are both in the 30 years old area.

After the break up of a 7 year relationship three years ago I got put on a hard, depressed road. I have always had very strong anxiety and I repressed a lot of fear (not abuse-related) as a child, and being without a partner left me exposed to those elements in an occasionally terrifying way. Since then I have turned up my collar and slogged for the last three years, and read about my anxiety, and worked on myself, with lots of meds and therapy and self-reflection and I am finally starting to see how I might make a life for myself. I still have a long way to go but I am starting to learn how to get what I want and how to have a real social group.

And that progress is what allowed me to be as open and free and sincere with this woman, R., these last few days. We found a common space almost instanty, after being at a bar for 6 hours we were shocked to find out it was closing time and we had been there that long. And it just blossomed from there, in the little time we had.

This was a huge deal for me for many reasons. One big one is that my sexual confidence had all fallen away, and this woman made me feel sexy and like I belonged there and like I was wanted. I had also just generally forgotten that I deserve love. But her openness and kindness destroyed those bitter lies that I had been telling myself.

I have no idea what to think about the possibility of a long distance relationship, and I certainly don't know what she thinks about that. But I DO feel quite sure that what we felt was stronger than just sex, and that if we did live in the same place we would without question continue to see each other.

So, my problem now is that being exposed to such an incredible feeling has left me frightfully aware of how lonely I've been for so long. She opened some doors in me and some of my old grief, from all the fear I've repressed all my life, is coming out and I feel really intensely that I don't want to go back to being alone.

The feeling is very strong, and it is a little scary, but I think I'm handling it. So my question: Where do I put these feelings? I want to try and maintain a connection with her, whatever it may be, but I don't want to dump my baggage on her, and I don't want to frighten her with the intensity of my feelings. They feel very heavy and potent in my chest and I feel really extra scared to be alone right now.

How do I deal with this painful sadness of being suddenly alone again in a safe and healthy way? Is there some way I can refocus on all the incredible positive feelings I just experienced? Have you been in a situation like this?

In therapy, on meds, called my therapist to try and schedule and early appointment, called my mom instead of panicking---I'm trying really hard to do this stuff right but man this is intense.

Going Home to Toxic Family--How to deal? Help me help Mom!

rhythm_queen — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 14:12:55 -0800

I am currently finishing up my exchange in France where I've had awesome experiences and faced life-changing learning curves. Now I'm returning home to my extremely estranged parents who have been fighting all my life--deep, disgusting trenches of arguments that seem never-ending. Their fights are due to their incompatibilities and their own intense depression/anxiety issues. However, my father will never get help--he also will never allow my mother to leave him. He's emotionally holding her hostage, manipulates her every move and even tries to control her thoughts. Creepy.

I feel for my mom, who is an incredibly vivacious woman with a big heart, great smarts, good job, and tons of friends. However, she is practically a shell of who she was. She has made mistakes in her marriage in the form of emotional affairs, but my father's enraging antics were definitely the catalyst of them.

Among their arguments is the fact that my grandparents live with us--you guessed it, my Dad's parents. They've been horrible grandparents to me, doting on the male off-spring of my father rather than me (ever) but Dad doesn't see it. They're also generally completely unappreciative and entitled jerks. Nothing my mother does is ever good enough.

My mom is depressed and wants to leave this marriage, but my dad threatens to tell everyone about her emotional affairs if she does so. I've told my mother to SEEK THERAPY AND COUNSELING for a very long time, but she seems VERY afraid to do so. It's frustrating because she has SO much initiative and motivation for everything in her life EXCEPT this step.

I just spoke to her and she says she'll give counselling a chance. But in about a month, I'll be returning home, and I don't know what to do. I listen to my poor mother's silence or can be the victim of everyone's shouting. I don't know how to help more than this.

To make matter's worse, my dad's sister is coming to visit. FOR A WHOLE MONTH. Turns out, all she did was send an email to my Dad, saying her itinerary, saying "FYI I'll be staying at your place for a month. Forward this message to your wife". No request, no niceties, JUST entitlement. It's my MOM'S house that my MOM pays for! How dare you say you'll just show up? Whenever she shows up, she also makes us go on shopping trips for her--it's such a financial burden, but she doesn't care. It makes my blood boil.

However, my Dad will never listen to anything wrong with his side of the family. He's been that way all his life. He's crazy, as far as I'm concerned and his crazy behavior is making me go sick. My mom tries to stand up for herself, but she is overtaken by my dad's obtrusive and unappreciative behavior. I do believe this is deep emotional abuse.

How can I deal? So much more to say. I want to help my family. Help me help them!

PhD thesis woes - what do I tell my supervisor?

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 10:37:24 -0800

I am in the final year of my PhD. I suffered from many months of depression and an inability to get my writing done in a timely fashion. I am now playing catch-up. I have a telephone appointment with my supervisor next week, and wonder if and how I should disclose the difficulty I faced, and am still facing. I don't want to burden her with my personal issues. How do I, or should I, discuss this? How do I regain her faith in me? I am currently in the 4th year of my PhD in the humanities (at a British institution), and am about a chapter and a half away from completing a first draft of my dissertation (I still have to write the intro and conclusion, as well). I plan to submit in November. I moved back to my native country two years ago, as I was hemorrhaging money in the U.K., and moving home was a means to save money as I write the dissertation. My supervisor was supportive. My issue is that I suffered from (undiagnosed because I cannot afford therapy) depression for about 8 months after an awful breakup and general dissatisfaction with my chosen topic and career path. I could not work. I don't know how to explain what I felt or thought, other than I felt like it was impossible, that I had no clue what I was doing, and that I was a complete failure. I would try, to no avail. Months and months went by, and the anxiety grew and grew, and I could not face up to my project. I could barely even open the files on my desktop. I felt nauseous and anxious and so very overwhelmed. In many ways, I still do.

After the holidays, my supervisor got in touch with me as she was worried about my progress. She mentioned how important it was to stay on track and not get behind. Something snapped inside of me, and after much crying and the crushing realization of the situation I have put myself in, I made a promise to myself to right this wrong.

I now feel as if I've woken up from a long, sad nap. I have been getting up early every morning, and making it a point to write 500-1000 words a day. I am looking out for conferences, fellowships, post-docs. I feel re-engaged. But the guilt of my prior laziness haunts me. I feel so overwhelmed, I feel as if I wasted so much time, that I am lazy and incapable of completing this project. I am currently in a lot of debt from undergrad-Phd, and I think about this constantly. It keeps my up at night. I sometimes feel as if I have ruined my life, with debt and potentially no job prospects. I have yet to publish, and this worries me so much. I cannot fall asleep at night without a distraction, my anxiety levels sky-rocket at night.

I have a telephone appointment with my supervisor next week to discuss the work I have recently submitted to her. Though we've been in frequent touch via email, this will be the first time I have spoken to her in months. I don't want her to think I am difficult to work with, or incapable of finishing this project, or a burden. I worry, or strongly suspect, that she already feels this way. How do I convey the trouble I went through to her? Do I even bring it up? I know apologizing is not the correct tactic, after all I am (for the most part) only hurting myself, and my career. I'm not quite sure if I should even bring up the trouble I went through in the summer and fall. Won't it just sound like making excuses? And if I don't bring it up, will she not wonder what my problem is? I worry she has already lost faith in me, and rightly so.

*I am looking into counseling to deal with my anxiety and possible lingering depression. I know my supervisor cannot help me with these issues. I'm just unsure how much I should disclose about how this has affected my work. I know I should have brought this up, dealt with it sooner. I wish I had, and that is part of the issue, part of the guilt and anxiety I now feel.*

Two more points to mention 1) She has been very kind about my writing (and slow progress) and writes things such as "I'm sorry you're having trouble with your writing," "Please let me know if you are stuck and need help." Furthermore, on the work I have sent her, she has exclaimed "This is fascinating!" "Very well written," "Reads like a book," etc. etc., in addition to constructive criticism and additional questions. However, I feel as if these exclamations aren't true; that she is just anxious for me to finish this thing up already and so is simply trying to push me along so she doesn't have to work with me anymore.

2) I have been working part-time with a non-profit as a consultant for the entire duration of my studies. This has of course delayed my writing. Because this was not academic work, my supervisor hasn't said much, or did not appear supportive when I mentioned working for them for a few months one summer in order to make ends meet. And so, I have not brought it up since, even though it often does explain why I have not progressed as far as I would have liked at this point. I know that it is not as if I have nothing to show for, in regard to my time spent as a phd student. I have won a number of national fellowships, as well as two fellowships at research institutions in foreign countries. My supervisor is always very supportive in writing letters for me. I know my c.v. is not abominable.

TL;DR-- Should I tell my supervisor about the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with that has dramatically halted progress on my thesis? The writing is flowing now, but I don't know how to explain the slow progress. How do I (or should I) talk to her about how I messed things up? And if so, *what do I say?*

So very thankful for any input.

The hopelessness, it's bothering me.

maffechr — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 20:51:54 -0800

How does somebody not let their miserable job situation and constant failure in seeking new employment affect their judgment? How does one acknowledge and address these feelings? Next week, I am graduating with my master's degree (public administration/health care administration) . Should be a momentous occasion, but I can't stop thinking that I do not have a job lined up at this point. I have worked a dead-end part-time retail job for the past five years (same place), and it is driving me crazy to think that I'll have to spend anymore time at that soul-sucking place. In theory, I should be hire-able - I have great grades, have done two good internships (one of which will be done in July), but I have not had any luck on the job market.

How does one not let this feeling of constant rejection and hopelessness seriously cloud your judgment? You are told you are doing the right things, but it's frustrating to be at the same place you started (but with more student loans). I have a great support network who has been my saving grace, but I want to become independent with my finances and that is just not feasible at this point.

I am willing to do anything (in the United States) at this point - I have no kids and am willing to pack up to whomever will offer me a job that is worth traveling for. (BTW, I live in New Jersey and turn 26 in two weeks)

And yes, this situation isn't doing much for my anxiety - it gets worse, but I am able to somewhat manage it by exercising frequently (another thing that has saved me from utter hopelessness)

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? How did you get over this hump? You try your best to improve your working situation, and you end up feeling like a miserable failure. What can be done to stop this cycle, given limited finances?

How to stop ruminating on "what could have been"

Seeking Direction — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 12:55:09 -0800

I chose a degree path that ended up being much different than I expected, and regularly beat myself up for not choosing a certain other one four years ago. In all honesty, the "other" choice would have definitely come with its own problems, and may have even been worse. However, I constantly get tempted into thinking "what could have been". How do I accept that both choices probably sucked equally, and that you never know what life is going to throw at you, good or bad? I generally believe "everything happens for a reason", and am trying desperately to focus on future possibilities rather than foggy, idealized past circumstances, but I keep ending up in this loop of "what could have been".

I guess you could call it the contrived, perverse illegitimate sibling of nostalgia.

I should note that I have an anxiety disorder.

Any advice?

Advice on what to do before/during an interview to assess my Spanish?

EmilyClimbs — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 09:58:56 -0800

I'm an intermediate Spanish speaker, and I have an interview in a couple days to assess my Spanish level. How can I be as successful as possible, both as far as brushing up/practicing, as well as keeping my nerves under control? After a long break after college, I did a one month Spanish immersion program a few years ago that got me roughly back to the intermediate level that was my high point previously (around a B1 level or maybe somewhere between B1-B2.) Since then, I've tried to keep current/improve mostly by reading, with a modest amount of watching Spanish TV (and keeping up with a big deck of vocab flashcards I made right after), but I've barely spoken at all since then.

At this point, I can generally understand almost everything I read in Spanish (there are often words I don't know but I can almost always figure them out from context.) I can understand most of what I hear either on TV or overhearing people on the subway/etc, although I can definitely get lost from time to time when there's vocabulary I don't know, and I have some trouble following people who speak particularly quickly or have certain particularly strong accents (or if they're speaking quietly, there's background noise, etc.)

So now there's an extended volunteer program I really want to do where they say they require an advanced level of Spanish (just for the purpose of smooth interpersonal communication as far as I know.) I told them I was willing to take intensive Spanish lessons (20 hours+ per week) before I begin and/or alongside the 20 hour/week volunteer commitment, and they asked to do an interview with me to talk and see whether they thought it would work. (It's in Argentina... Argentina-specific language advice is definitely appreciated!)

I feel like my weakest point in speaking is grammar, particularly conjugating verbs. A lot of tenses like present (and the compound tenses/"ir a" future that just build off present) and conditional come basically naturally/automatically, but I sometimes have to hesitate picking between imperfect and preterite in some of the fuzzier cases, and it can take me more time than it should to make sure I'm conjugating preterite right in the 1st and 3rd person singular. And I'm not solid on subjunctive at all... we didn't get to that in my immersion classes, and although I've done some self-study on the conjugation and usage, I haven't practiced it much and I definitely have to think about it.

So what's the best use of a few hours between now and then, and then a couple immediately before the interview? Drilling on the preterite and/or subjunctive? Thinking of sentences I know I'm going to want to say and looking things up to make sure I get the grammar and vocabulary right? Trying to find the fastest Argentinian speech I can to practice listening to? Try to distract myself and ignore Spanish altogether so my nervousness doesn't spiral?

And then during the interview, should I try to use subjunctive, or is that going to have me second-guessing everything I say? How bad does it sound to skip it? (I'm already planning to skip using vos because I'm just not used to it and it seems like it would make me nervous about even the grammar that should be easy for me... unless focusing on a few hours of drilling that instead would give me the most bang for my buck?) What kinds of mistakes or flaws make you think "okay, she needs a bit more studying and practice/immersion, but she'll be fine" and which send the message "she's got a long way to go to be fluent and even with a month of lessons and immersion she'll still be a hassle to communicate with"?

And how do I keep calm and do my best during the interview? I'm an anxious and self-conscious person generally (and kind of a perfectionist), and I really want to do this program, so that adds to the pressure. Any tricks to keep from overthinking words that should come automatically? How important is it to keep talking fluidly versus pausing to get the word right, and if I need to keep talking, how do I quiet the voice in my head that says "That's wrong, you idiot, you sound stupid?"

Thanks so much for any advice.

Toys and objects to deal with physical stress.

shimmer — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 11:34:33 -0800

So there is the stress ball. That one I know. Does anyone have any other ideas for dealing with nervous energy from stress and anxiety in the office that won't bother people around you so much (esp those moments when I can't just go for a long walk or to the gym, etc). It’s a fairly routine problem for me that even after the stressor is long gone, the nervous energy sticks around. I don't so much need the 'take a deep breath' or 'think positive' type of thing, I might not even be actively thinking or worrying about anything; and I already have a good doc for the long term aspects. Just looking for some ideas about the tactile and physical side of this thing, which tends to stick around for a while and can be pretty uncomfortable.

How do I gain the courage to see a therapist?

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:13:19 -0800

I have pretty severe social anxiety. How do I gain the courage to see a therapist? I am mostly afraid of my parent's reaction. I wrote this post a dozen different times, unsure about which problem to focus on. But the truth is that all of my problems boil down to social anxiety.

I just turned 22 and I live with my parents. I was always very shy, but it got really bad in high school. I am fine small talking with people my age for the most part, but I will still avoid it at all costs. I have been in college for 4 years and I have absolutely zero friends. I hate to be seen out in public (I don't like the way I look) and dread the warm weather because I can no longer hide under a big coat. I will take the longest paths possible to get around campus so I won't be seen. I come right home after my classes instead of staying in the library (where I am thousands of times more productive than at home).

I have never spoken to a professor in FOUR YEARS of college, with over a hundred credits earned. That's about 30 different professors I've had and I've never spoken a word to any of them. I have no internships and no job experience except one job when I was 16. I've been putting all of this off for years, but now that I only have one year of college left I really need to take action.

I want to be normal and have friends. I want to be in a relationship. I want to get a job. There is no reason why I should live like this. A new club that is extremely relevant to my interests just formed on campus, but I'm too afraid to go to a meeting. I also desperately need to officially my major but I am terrified of speaking to the department head that needs to review my transcript and sign the form. I REALLY!!! need to do this, within the next 2 weeks, but I really don't think I can.

I was previously in therapy as a young teenager and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I could not get out of bed, constantly felt like I was going to die and had panic attacks for months. I was put on medication and stayed in therapy for a few months until I was functional. My parents are fairly toxic and they have very skewed ways of thinking. I've been told several times that it was completely unnecessary, that I insisted on seeing a therapist for no reason, that all teenagers are depressed.

I still live with them and I'm on their insurance. There is no way to hide this from them. I just really don't want to deal with the eye rolls, my mother telling everyone in the extended family, "this is unnecessary" and "why would you need to go to therapy?". They can be mean, but I still value their opinion (seeing as they are pretty much the only people I interact with). My college offers 3 free therapy sessions and then has a list of low-cost therapists in the area, but I'd rather just go to one on my insurance plan instead of switching around after 3 sessions.

How can I go about telling them I need to go to therapy? How do I deal with the aftermath?

And of course I am afraid of actually going to therapy, but not that much. I feel like it will take a few hours just to outline my problems and history. Any tips on how to deal with that?

I would appreciate any advice on any aspect of my situation at all. Thanks for reading all that. You can contact me here: anonymous4222013@gmail.com.

Planes, trains and automobiles: Make me a better traveler

kat518 — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 08:36:28 -0800

I travel on a semi-regular basis and would like to become a better traveler, both in terms of trip planning and packing/unpacking/repacking. If you travel frequently, how do you do it? How can I up my game? TL; DR: I would like to know how I can spend less on travel (short of traveling less) and/or make it less stressful for me and my husband. We're in a position where we can afford to pay for things that are a little more expensive if they will be less stressful. I am interested in hearing about loyalty programs, credit card rewards programs, helpful websites, packing tips and general travel strategies (if you buy a plane ticket during a full moon, the security line at the airport will be nonexistent).

I'm also interested in hearing tips on getting cheap airfare and vacations abroad. A friend explained that the trick is to travel when you can get a deal, not when you want, but if you have more advice along those lines, I'm interested.

My husband and I frequently travel short distances (less than 400 miles) to visit family or have fun for a few days at a time (usually long weekends) several times annually. In the first 5 months of this year, there will have been 6 such trips as well as a week-long work trip and a week-long vacation.

We usually fly where we're going except when we go to NY because the bus is so cheap. Southwest is often our airline of choice because they fly to my dad's town though we've flown a few times with US Airways recently. We usually rent a car when we go to places where public transportation is lackluster. Since we're usually visiting family, we don't need hotel rooms unless we're going on vacation.

Specific questions:

- Rental cars: I usually just book the cheapest one which I find using Priceline or Hotwire. I recently joined Alamo's membership thing because it's usually the cheapest but our minimal interactions with customer service are almost always unpleasant. Is there a rental car company program for which I can sign up that will give us points and where they won't behave insanely?

- Flights: We're members of Southwest's frequent flyer program but to fly with Southwest, we have to go to an inconvenient airport so I've been interested in flying more with US Airways, which flies out of a more convenient airport. However, I don't understand frequent flyer programs. In general, how many miles do I need to get a free flight? What does that mean in practical terms (10 short RT flights?)? Do you just need to check to see if you have enough miles for a free flight or do they let you know? Is it worth buying miles?

- Hotels: Similar to rental cars, are there loyalty programs or such that are reasonable and have good benefits? I usually pick hotels based on price but if say, the Holiday Inn offered a really nice rewards program and people who go to the Holiday Inn in any city generally have a good experience, I'd be interested in joining.

- Trains and buses: We usually take MegaBus or BoltBus to visit family in NY because holy crap it's cheap. That said, it feels like it takes forever and I have a hard time using that time productively, plus when I get where I'm going, I feel exhausted so I feel like by taking the bus, I am losing days of my life. I don't mind flying but the bus. is. so. cheap. Is there a way to get cheap flights from DC to NY? I feel like I heard that you could pay for a few trips on the DC to NY shuttle and get one free but maybe I made that up. I've also been told that you can take the train for cheap occasionally but I have never been able to find a train fare that was anywhere near reasonable (~$100 RT) unless I take the train at 4 a.m. Is everyone who says that you can get a cheap train a total liar or am I doing something wrong? How do you sit on a bus for 4-6 hours without going crazy? I take anxiety drugs and nap for a bit, read, listen to podcasts, but after about 3.5 hours, I am done and I start getting cranky.

- Packing: Since I run, I plan to leave pairs of semi-retired running sneakers at my dad's and in-laws' homes so that's one less thing I have to pack. I use packing cubes yet packing always feels like an ordeal. There is a spot in our apartment where I put our suitcases when we return and it feels like stuff just sits there. I am trying to be better about it - we returned from a trip Saturday night and I already put our suitcases away - but it feels semi-exhausting. I don't think I over-pack much and am trying to get better about re-wearing clothes but it's a work in progress. What are your tips for traveling lightly and packing easily? I am thinking of just putting aside all of the liquid things I take on trips that I can in one of those liter bags so I can just grab it. And maybe buying more underwear. I feel like I never have enough underwear. Should I make checklists? What do I tell my husband when he makes fun of me? (kidding. sort of.) Do you have cool products that do double-duty? I LOVE cool products that do double-duty. Please tell me all about them immediately.

- Anxiety: My husband and I both just get anxious about traveling. We take medication for it occasionally and I try to alleviate it by starting to pack a week ahead of time so then we don't have to think about it but then I worry that I'm just stretching out the amount of time during which we feel anxious. I also try to tell him, dude, we're visiting our parents, we don't have to impress people, but anxiety is irrational. We used to have a terrific way of dealing with travel anxiety but the burrito shop at the airport stopped selling margaritas. How do you manage travel anxiety? We also become a negative feedback loop between us.

- Credit cards: Are there rewards cards that would give us points or magic beans for flights, rental cars, hotels, etc.? I just feel like somehow, my friends all have platinum status on different airlines and I'm like, I check two bags for free on Southwest! Which is fine and I don't really care but if I could do something small differently that would improve our travel experience, I'm up for it.

God bless you for reading this far. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Where did my brain go?

avocet — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 13:02:09 -0800

Help me rescue my analytical faculties so I can survive the last months of grad school with my dignity intact. I'm in my final semester of a research-based MA program in the social sciences, currently trying to get my thesis written so I can defend by a September deadline. My project has been incredibly intellectually and emotionally challenging – I'm researching the public commemoration of violent death among two populations in Canada – and a portion of my fieldwork was downright traumatic. That said, I know I have a compelling, stimulating and fairly original project on my hands, and numerous people both inside and outside of academia have been very supportive of my work. I'm just really not sure I'm able to carry it out.

While completing my coursework last year, I suddenly lost all confidence in my ability to comprehend and synthesize everything I was reading – I'd come to class having done the readings multiple times and always seemed to be on a totally different page from everyone else, many of whom didn't have the advantage of having a background in the discipline like I did, which led to great doubts about my abilities to critically engage texts. The crippling anxiety associated with getting it/not getting it led to me feeling totally unable to participate in what was actually an incredibly supportive small seminar environment. Everything that came out of my mouth was rambling and incoherent and frequently irrelevant. Through some miracle I managed to submit some decent written work and received As in all my classes, but the psychological barriers persisted and seemed to get worse.

I don't really know what happened this year, but it feels like I no longer understand the theory at the core of my project (and I think I've kept it pretty simple, theory has never been my strong suit) and my abilities to analyze and argue seem to have completely disappeared. I don't know how to explain my way from A to B anymore. I just got a big unsettling load of major edits back from my supervisors on everything I've written so far, pointing to an overreliance on empirics and lack of theory and absence of analysis throughout the chapter – yeah, I should have known this was coming. I've apparently totally misunderstood key texts, elided major theoretical arguments, and the whole thing reads as just so facile and simplistic. I've been following my supervisors' cues when they explain to me what my argument is all about, furiously scribbling down things I need to write about when we're in meetings together, then getting home and looking at my notes and realizing I don't understand what they said at all. This all just seems to big for my brain to process, and my mind is becoming increasingly sieve-like with respect to everything I read. I seem to forget and misunderstand so easily.

My supervisors have been wonderfully supportive but I fear they're getting really sick of me and my lack of intellectual progress (or even regression – I feel like I wasn't always this bad). I'm hugely embarrassed by the fact that I can't answer ostensibly simple questions about my project on the spot – how will I manage to get through a thesis defense if I can't string together cogent answers in meetings? I've done very good work for both of them before – it's not like I was admitted to the program by mistake – but I'm ashamed by the fact that I feel like I'm starting to waste their time. It just feels like everyone around me knows my project much better than I do. (I feel like the academic version of Guido, the protagonist of 8 1/2.)

How do I relearn how to think critically, analyze and argue in a really short period of time? I've got a big pile of substantial edits (more like a massive rewrite) due at the end of the month, and the whole thesis (most of which remains to be written) needs to be done by the beginning of August, at the latest. The government and the banks will not give me any more money if I'm not done by then, and I'll have to drop out if I'm not ready for a defense/get to a defense and end up failing.

I know this is all just a bad case of performance anxiety/impostor syndrome/self-defeating thoughts at its core. Through CBT I learned how to shut certain depression-related self-defeating thoughts down, but I don't know how to suddenly reconfigure my thought patterns to understand texts and theory and logic again. I sit down to write/lie awake at night and attempt to logically think through the questions that have been presented to me in the simplest terms possible and my mind gets stuck in this endless 20 GOTO 10 loop in which I can't think past step one of my argument, let alone follow it through to its conclusion – it's not like I've got a negative thought that I can step in and interrupt. My mind is a mess. (And yes, I'm on medication for depression, but it doesn't seem to be doing a damn thing these days. Given my previous experiences changing drugs, having to taper off and start on a new one does not seem like a good idea right now.)

Is there any way to salvage my confidence and mental faculties from this mess in time? MeMail me if you need to. Thanks for listening.

How to not feel like shit when you can't get no satisfaction

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 13:57:15 -0800

How do I get rid of feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and distance in my relationship that seem to occur when I'm not having sex? Sorry, this will be long; but I'm posting anonymously and so I don't want to leave anything important out.

Periodically, I go through days of feeling emotional, vulnerable, bad about myself, and anxious about my relationship with my boyfriend. This seems to coincide with the periods when we don't have much sex, which are often periods when we're busy and stressed. These episodes interfere with the rest of my life and I'm really, really over them. We've been together for about a year, and I've experienced this for the last seven months or so. I've had comparable feelings in other relationships but never to this degree.

I have trouble focusing and become antsy and unproductive during these times, exacerbating my feelings of worthlessness. If I'm with him, I find myself wondering constantly when we can have sex and even unconsciously contriving situations to get us alone together (which when I look back on it and realize what I was doing, seems unfair to him). Even when I hang out with friends or work to distract myself, I find myself wondering when I can find an excuse to be with him again. I often get insomnia during these periods. I journal to try to get rid of my bad feelings, but it only seems to focus my mind more on (what I have identified) as the source of the problem--sex. I often have distinct, sorrowful feelings of being distant from my boyfriend when these periods hit, as this is difficult for me to talk to him about.

In the past I have tried to communicate during these periods--just to tell him I'm feeling anxious and down and that it seems connected to not having sex. I've done my best to be respectful and make it clear that he's not doing anything wrong and that rationally, I think our relationship is great. Still, I think it's hard for him not to feel inadequate and bad about himself if I bring up something like this. This has come up enough that I'm sick of the conversation about it (and it seems to make the problem worse) and I find myself avoiding talking to him about my feelings in these periods, or just telling him that I feel bad for no good reason and that it will go away eventually. Normally we have much more productive conversations, but this one just never works. Plus, our dry spells usually coincide with times when he has a lot of work, is stressed out and exhausted at the end of the day, and doesn't usually feel very sexy--so even when I do bring it up, it's hard to fix and I feel like it frustrates him to know about it.

I know the solution to having different sex drives is usually for one partner to masturbate more. In my case, I haven't felt satisfied with this solution. What I get from sex is an emotional connection just as much as a physical sensation, and masturbating to solve this emotional problem has made me feel even more lonely, pathetic, and distant from my boyfriend. Once when I was having insomnia and really going crazy, I masturbated in bed next to him--but, I'm ashamed to say, I did it without his consent while he was asleep (thinking I could just get the feeling over with without waking him up when he had to work early the next day). This really hurt him (and now that I'm not in that state of mind, I can certainly see why) and I don't want to repeat that.

I feel even worse about the situation because I am a woman, and the sensation of worthlessness and lack of value that I often get during these periods seems to indicate my own internalization of gender norms that force women to depend on male attention for self-worth. My boyfriend does lots of great things for me that aren't sex (compliments, massages, little favors, even the heteronormative option of flowers), but these periods of negative feelings and anxiety seem to keep recurring even though he does an awesome job making me feel loved and wanted.

My hormones feel like a teenager's when this happens and it makes me sort of disgusted with myself when I look at it from the outside. I feel not-myself, and even if the "dry spell" is only a week, it feels interminable. The only current fix is for me to ride it out until we eventually have sex. The only other time it goes away for long periods is when we're long-distance; when I know I can't see him, this pattern doesn't happen--perhaps significantly, it seems to be connected to being near him, but not having sex.

I keep searching for some etiology for these feelings that isn't "feeling sexually undesired makes you feel worthless" or "you physically need regular sex to function" because the implications of both kind of disturb me, but I'm not sure where else to look for the source of this problem. Part of me thinks the solution would simply be to explain all this to him and ask him to take an hour out of his day to have sex with me during these times, but that seems really demanding. Whenever I imagine this whole situation if we reversed genders, that (and many of the other behaviors, conscious or unconscious, that I have resorted to) seems even more unfair and kinda creepy.

So what should I do? How should I talk about this with my boyfriend, if at all? How should I try to make these crappy feelings go away without hurting anyone? Have I prematurely ruled out solutions that might actually be a good idea? Maybe the solution is just to do some exhausting exercise and/or take a cold shower?