Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with anxiety

Is the chest pain I've been experiencing directly related to stress and anxiety? If so, how can I alleviate some of the discomfort and put my mind at ease?

Tenacious.Me.Tokyo — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:20:36 -0800

Is the chest pain I've been experiencing directly related to stress and anxiety? If so, how can I alleviate some of the discomfort and put my mind at ease? For the past 3 or 4 months I've been experiencing sharp pains in the middle/left of my chest. These pains often come without warning, last for for a few seconds to several minutes, and are sometimes accompanied by numbness and moderate pain in my left arm.

For several weeks I feared the worst. About a month ago I had a VERY jarring, sudden tugging sensation and sharp pain in the middle of my chest. I went to the emergency room and had an EKG, x-ray, blood work, etc. The doctor ruled out a heart problem based on the test results, but wouldn't give a firm diagnosis based on the numerous possible causes.

I'm 33 years-old and quit smoking immediately after my hospital visit. I am in reasonably good shape and maintain an average diet. The chest pains subsided for a while, but have recently returned. Every time I experience this I have a gripping fear that I'm experiencing a heart attack or have some kind of serious heart condition.

I have been under quit a bit of stress over the past several months (pregnant wife, birth of first child, promotion at work, studying for a course) and am somewhat convinced that this may be where the problem lies. I never seem to realize that I'm under stress until I reflect on it when I'm more relaxed months later. Am I OK? What are some tried and true methods by which to relieve anxiety?

How should I move forward?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 20:13:04 -0800

The New Year is approaching and I need some guidance on how to move forward with my life. I’m 27, male, straight, and British. I’ve only ever been in one relationship, kissed one person, and had one sexual partner. That relationship lasted from age 14 to 23 and included some long-distance time, and several years of living together and studying at the same university. Since then I’ve been completely single (no dates, no kisses etc), and I’ve also been socially isolated (no friends, unstable employment). I’ve also been depressed at varying levels of severity for who knows how long (the first serious episode being around 2004). I’m currently studying part-time, employed part-time, am trying anti-depressants, and am living with my parents.

Recently I’ve been feeling somewhat less depressed (though still moderately so), much more capable, and somewhat less socially anxious. I also have a few regular acquaintances through my studies (not friends by any means, but nice acquaintances). Also, I’ve gradually been becoming more interested in girls again. Specifically, I’ve been missing the intimacy (emotional and physical) of being in a relationship and have been feeling romantically wistful, lonely even. I rarely, if ever, receive any flirtatious signals from women and it’s clear that if I’m ever to meet someone I’ll have to take a more active approach than I ever have before. Things being as they are, I’d like to do this as gradually and tentatively as possible (in order to take care of myself as well as possible, and to work through my anxieties). My previous relationship taught me a lot of things, but I’ve changed so much in the last few years that in many ways I’m a very different person now. There’s little from that time in my life that can tell me how to move forward now.

In terms of my personal qualities, I’m essentially a good and kind person, quiet-natured, soft-hearted, and shy. Obviously, I have some problems, but I have a lot of good qualities as well. I’m a little arty, a little literary, a little pop-culturey, a little geeky, have a really good sense of humour, and people tell me I’m very intelligent. In person I think I come across as a fairly confident and capable, if rather quiet, man. I tend to keep people at a distance and I find it difficult to open up to others, perhaps for fear of rejection or negative judgement. I tend to crush easily on girls but have difficulty interacting with people whom I’m attracted towards.

Anyway, I’m sorry for writing so much and if my writing voice annoys you (as it does me), but if you have anything to say that might help me I’d be very grateful. It’s hard to boil this down to a specific question, so maybe we could start with these. Please try to read between them as much as possible.

- How should I begin working towards meeting women?
- How should I cope with my anxiety when interacting with women?
- How should I deal with my sexual and social inexperience?
- If you have been in a similar position to me, what has happened since?
- How do people make friends?
- How is it possible to open up to someone when talking, writing, or any form of personal expression feels like a distorted compression of the inner consciousness? (That sounds so pretentious – I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.)
- If you’ve been depressed or anxious for some time, tell me about the steps you took socially and romantically as you moved towards wellness.

Thank you so much.
(disposable: itoocannotthinkofausername@googlemail.com)

PS: I know - therapy, therapy, therapy! Maybe in the Spring.

Learning to empathize

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:49:16 -0800

How can I understand, and empathize, with my fiancee's psychological issues? And other difficult-to-articulate questions. Posting anonymously as this is a fairly private issue I'd rather not have linked to my username.

Background info: I'd say I'm a well-adjusted, psychologically healthy male. I was raised believing in the power of the mind, with "anything's possible if you put your mind to it" as the family mantra. I'm a positive thinker and my own life has been shaped by discipline and self-control. I'm pretty stoic and always try to keep my emotions in check (I rarely cry or get angry, but I'm also upbeat and happy most of the time). Because these values have been reinforced and proven effective for me so many times over, I consider them virtues. I'm a big proponent of setting audacious goals, following my dreams, and being a self-made man.

The downside to this mindset is my difficulty empathizing with my fiancee. She takes two different medications, one for ADD and one for anxiety. This is probably a topic for another AskMe, but these two ailments are things I've always been skeptical of. I guess it's because I have no firsthand experience with them. I tend to agree with people like Thomas Szasz and the "anti-psychiatry" movement that these conditions are real but not necessarily best treated medically. Perhaps they're conditioned by upbringing, compounded by years of self-fulfilling diagnoses, special ed assignments, overstimulation, and psychosomatic confirmation bias. I realize this is controversial, and I don't want to debate it in this thread. Just trying to paint a picture of where I'm coming from.

My instinct, my deep desire, is to try to wean my fiancee off her meds (which she freely admits to hating for a number of reasons) and transition to a better-structured, calmer lifestyle. To help her rein in her issues sans pharmaceuticals. I feel some urgency, because doing nothing is unsustainable in the long term -- she continues to increase her dosage every few years just to get the same effects. How can someone follow that trajectory for a lifetime? It pains me to see her chemically addicted to mind-altering drugs that, as far as I can tell, only mask the symptoms instead of addressing the underlying cause. I'm particularly concerned about side effects that may manifest when we try for kids in a few years.

Anyway, that's a discussion for another time. Let me get to my real question.

When we talk about going off the meds, my fiancee agrees with my motivations but is terrified at the thought. It's not just the addiction talking -- she's fully convinced that her issues are 100% chemical and that there are no viable alternatives to prescription drugs. This is where I find it very hard to put myself in her shoes: she insists that she has no self-control, that it's clinically impossible for her to take any responsibility for her actions. This is contrary to everything I've ever believed about free will and sounds to my ears like pessimism or defeatism. She's playing the victim and refusing to even TRY to resist whatever urges pop into her head. She feels like it's out of her control but I have trouble believing it really is.

An example... something unexpected happens and her anxiety flares up. I try to calm her down. "It's okay," I say softly. I put my arm around her and breathe slowly so she can synchronize with me. I remind her that it's not the end of the world, that we can improvise and work around the obstacle. Her reaction is unexpected to me. She gets angry. "I can't calm down," she snaps. She pulls away from me sharply and does erratic things. It's like my attempts to help are useless, anything I do or say only aggravates the problem. Later she apologizes and tells me that her "brain was going very fast" and she simply couldn't process any stimuli at the time. Trying to help only snowballed the problem and she got angry with me for adding to the noise in her head.

She spends a lot of time angry or worried, even on her medication. I desperately want to help her get past these emotions, which will eat her up inside and make her miserable; training myself to overcome them was one of the best decisions I ever made. I want my fiancee to share my optimism and desire for adventure. I love her and just want to see her happy, not just momentarily but as a general frame of reference for her outlook on life. It's just healthier, for both of us as we head into marriage.

We've done pre-marital counseling, which I thought was great. But all of the counselor's advice built off my supposition that talking through issues in a logical, respectful manner is effective. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, clear-headed discussion is impossible (which frustrates me to no end, because I try endlessly to work through every bump in the road, just as was recommended, and seem to end up worse for my efforts).

I'm sorry this is so long. I don't really know how to frame this as a question but I'm getting exasperated. How can I help my fiancee? How can I come to understand her feeling of powerlessness? How can I actually make progress toward helping her overcome it?

My mind is open to new ways of looking at mental health, but it's still difficult for me. I feel that on some subconscious level, she's just lacking confidence in herself, being stubborn, and refusing to take responsibility for her behavior. She's not doing it intentionally, I know. If you think I'm wrong (and I'm sure many here will), how can I internalize the fact that some people literally cannot will themselves through adversity the way I've always done? It's almost impossible for me to accept, as it flies in the face of a lifetime of personal experience and seems ludicrous to me.

Any advice or related info is much appreciated. Throwaway email at empathytrouble@yahoo.com if you need it.

I am terrified of talking on the phone but my job responsibilities will require me to do so.

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 16:06:15 -0800

I have a near-pathological fear of talking to strangers on the phone. My expanded job duties will soon include calling clients. How do I get past this fear? I am already looking for another job for unrelated reasons, but it is likely that I will be in this one for another few months due to the economy etc. Plus this is just a fear I'll have to get past in any job.

I think this mainly stems from the fact that I am hearing impaired and had speech therapy for years. I can function perfectly well with people I know, and I don't have too many problems in person, but over the phone I have trouble understanding people, and they have trouble understanding me. I get embarrassed when I have to repeat myself or ask them to repeat words. It is not a volume level, I have devices to help me with that. In my non-work life I try my best to use email wherever possible when I have to contact businesses or other people I don't know.

I will not be making cold calls, I will be calling existing clients to verify information, confirm orders, etc. Normally I will only talk to them once or twice so it is not as if I will be building an ongoing relationship. I expect a large proportion of clients will not speak English in the way that I do (accents, dialect) which increases the frustration in trying to understand each other. Up to now I have not had to make phone calls in this job. They are expanding my duties.

I really need to get past this because I think it will hinder my future career. The anxiety is such that my stomach tightens even writing this.

It's the least wonderful time of the year

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:43:51 -0800

How to handle an abusive, alcoholic family for Christmas - now and in years to come? I am 25 years old, and have managed to (mostly) escape my emotionally abusive, alcoholic family. I only go home once a year...and that's for Christmas. Needless to say, this is my least favorite time of the year, and I'm freaking out about heading home in a few weeks.

I don't have many friends in my hometown anymore, and my family doesn't really venture outside the house. Basically, each Christmas is three or four days of drinking, screaming, weeping, cursing, falling over, and general angst.

Although I hope to eventually not go home for Christmas, right now it's just not an option. What I'm looking for are some good coping strategies to deal with holidays at home. How can I reduce my stress and fill the endless hours? How do I prevent myself from getting hurt when situations like the following happen?

- my grandmother gets too drunk to stand before dinner even starts
- my father screams at my mother to go lay down because nobody wants to look at her anymore and she's an embarrassment to her children
- my mother hides weeping in the basement and when I go to find her, she begs me to "throw her in rehab" if she ever gets as bad as my grandmother

(This was all last Christmas, by the way.)

Things I've done in years past include watching a lot of TV, playing on the internet all day, and altering my sleep schedule to limit the amount of hours my family and I are mutually awake.

One note - I don't drink during the holidays, because I see what it does to my family, and I also have an intense fear of losing control around them and bringing their wrath onto me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know this probably doesn't sound too terribly bad, but it hurts me a lot every single year and I would love to learn how to make it hurt less. Throwaway email is drunksmas@gmail.com.

My job has broken me; please help me leave.

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:15:56 -0800

My (UK) job is intolerable, and I am on a week's sick leave for work-related anxiety. Please help me work out how to leave forever. Sorry - this is long.

I work for a small UK manufacturer and retailer. The company I work for is pretty awful - it produces a frequently substandard product, misleads customers regarding lead times, tolerates workplace bullying, and runs slipshop over health and safety. I have been there three years - at first I thought I could help change things, but I eventually realised that not only are the problems systemic, they are top-down, and begin with the owners.

My job role has changed a number of times, but for the last year I have been responsible for customer service, on top of a full set of administrative duties. This an impossible amount of work (my work colleagues all acknowledge this) and I have been failing at it all year. It's worth mentioning that the "customer service" role mainly consists of dealing with customer complaints. Because the company frequently delivers its (fairly expensive) products late, damaged, incorrect, and/or incomplete, it generates a huge number of complaints, in the form of angry, screaming phonecalls. Because I have a full administrative job to do in addition to this, it is not physically possible for me to attend to all the calls, let alone resolve the problems. I receive virtually no support from the owners. My experience of work is that of being under seige, receiving huge amounts of verbal abuse from all directions, and having to fail my job every day.

A few months ago, another person - an employee from elsewhere in the business who has been with the company for ten years - was brought in take over part of the role. Although he arrived with a somewhat arrogant attitude (assuming that I was simply crap at my job), he too became overwhelmed by the volume and impossibility of the work. He resigned, and last week was signed off by his doctor for work-related anxiety and depression.

In the time that the other person was working with me, even more tasks were assigned to us. The role really requires three, perhaps even four people, so we were really struggling with two. Now he has left, and the owners have made no move to replace him. The owners are fully aware of the situation, but have traveled overseas without speaking with me about how I am supposed to do his job, as well as my own - when it has already been established that it's already too much for two people.

And so, the inevitable has happened, and the breakdown I have been anticipating all year has finally hit me. I have been crying, hyperventilating, and in a state of panic since Friday night. On Monday I called in sick and saw my doctor, who has given me a note and told me not to go to work this week due to work-related anxiety. She has also given me a very small amount of diazepam and put me on the (three-week long) waiting list for some talk therapy. She told me to come back next week for re-evaluation.

I have two problems:

1. I need to leave this job. Immediately. I need to somehow never set foot in that building ever again. How can I resign? The owners are both overseas - one of them returns to the UK on Friday. I am salaried (paid monthly) but have never been given a contract, I have no idea how much notice I have to give. I have given up all hope of a good reference at this point, but need to be able to put this job on my CV. Can you give me any advice on how best to leave? How can I do this legally, and with the least damage done?

2. How do I deal with the guilt and shame of leaving? The company is so understaffed that I am leaving the few staff that are left with a huge problem to deal with. Despite my having informed them of my breakdown, and doctor's note signing me off for the week, I am still getting calls from them trying me to come in to work. I feel terrible about leaving them in the lurch. I feel a failure, and a traitor. But I know I can't return. For a long time I was able to compartmentalize the stress of this job, but now I am just a total wreck.

I'm sorry this is so long; I am finding it difficult to thing straight about this issue. I would be very grateful for any guidance you can offer.

If you want to contact me privately, try mefiworkcrazy@gmail.com

(Oh, and in case it matters: I will not be claiming any benefits when I leave, and the company does not give any paid sick leave [not even statutory, which I suspect is not entirely legal]. My husband will be supporting me financially, and we have some savings.)

Anxiety and unexplained pain?

Kosh — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 19:22:48 -0800

Seeing my doctor for this (again) on Monday, but in the meantime, YANMD filter: recurring, infrequent abdominal discomfort on the right side, roughly above the pelvic area, that correlates with times of stress in my life. Anyone experience anything like this, and if so, what did you do about it? Since April, I have experienced an infrequent-but-recurring tightness/pain in my abdomen, right side. The pain itself is rarely more than "mild," and often it only manifests as a feeling of tightness or tension. And this itself is the only symptom. I've had no issues with bowel movements, no fever, no change in appetite (other than that brought on by the concomitant anxiety), no rebound tenderness, no pain when coughing/sneezing, no difficulty walking, etc. A CT scan back in August confirmed that all the internal organs in the scan area, including my appendix, were normal. No evidence of hernia, either. It appears to be at least somewhat muscle-related, because I've triggered it via working out before (specifically while doing machine leg curls), but it flares up sometimes even during periods where I haven't been working out or even doing anything physically strenuous at all. I have had surgery in the area (about ten years ago), so I'm aware of the possibility of scar tissue causing problems, but I don't know why it would take so long to start getting irritated. The "episodes" usually last a few days to a week, and, again, seem to correlate with times in my life where I'm feeling really stressed. (It does not respond to any OTC pain medication; I was given Vicodin for it once when it started, and that took away the pain but the feeling of tension remained.)

Naturally, having any sort of pain in this area causes me a lot of anxiety. I have some meds and relaxation techniques that help with the anxiety, but once it escalates past a certain level, I have a really hard time accepting that I'm probably okay, and that if it were something life-threatening it probably would've shown up on any of the myriad tests that have been run on me since it started, or at the very least it probably would have escalated. The anxiety has a way of intensifying the discomfort, and the cycle takes off from there.

So, I guess what I'm looking for here is not so much medical advice but experiences. I think that the thing that makes this so hard for me is not really knowing what it is, even though I can be reasonably confident as to what it isn't. How common is it to have recurring physical comfort that seems to be tied to stress? What do you do about it? How do you deal with the anxiety you have over it, if any?

For what it's worth, I'm a 28-year-old male, a bit overweight but otherwise no issues.

How to mend a broken heart

mesha steele — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:11:51 -0800

HeartbreakFilter: Help me come to terms with the end of my relationship and quit being in denial. I’m a 23 year old second year law student, and he’s a 26 year old grad student. We’d been together for a year and a half (the longest relationship for either of us by far) when he dumped me last Sunday. I’m completely devastated after my Thanksgiving was ruined (I was supposed to have spent the day at his mom’s house like last year) and with finals starting next week, I’m a wreck. Help me adjust to my new situation.

He was my first real love, and I was not expecting the relationship to end, especially not so suddenly. We seemed so compatible, with similar tastes in movies and tv and we got along great even when just hanging out together. We met on OkCupid but had real life friends in common. It was just a fabulous connection both physically and mentally when we started dating right before I started law school and he went back to school for his PhD.

Some problems starting cropping up in my second semester of 1L year; I’ve always been fairly high strung with some issues dealing with anxiety. I would get really upset over little things, sometimes related to him but often just situational stressors from school. I mean, he was my best friend and I felt safe revealing my insecurities and fears to him. Conflict is rough on him, but he was always super sweet and calmed me down when I got upset and cried over something small.

The anxiety issues kept happening, where I’d pick a stupid fight over something ridiculous maybe once a month or so. To me, I’d get mad really quickly but it would also blow over quickly, and I didn’t hold grudges. Apparently, he struggled more with the conflicts and thought I didn’t seem happy with him. I was, and I tried to assure him of that. We had a fight in mid October about this, where we agreed to try taking a break, since he wanted more space (we usually saw each other everyday, and spent most nights together). After we agreed to the break, the next day he called me and apologized and asked me to come over. Everything was fine for a month until last Saturday.

The same sort of stupid fight happened Saturday, but instead of blowing over, on Sunday I went over to his apartment to see him and apologize, and he dumped me. He said that the relationship didn’t feel quite right and that if it were meant to be it wouldn’t be so hard. He said he needed space and that he kind of felt like he was losing his identity. But at the same time he kept telling me he loves me and hugging me. We were both crying, and I’m ashamed to say I begged him to give it another chance, but he refused.

Now, a week later, I’m still devastated. I’ve tried to contact him a few times, through calls and texts, but he won’t answer his phone. I know that I caused these problems by leaving my anxiety untreated for so long. I started back on Lexapro which helped me through a tough situation a couple of years ago; with the anxiety medicine, even after only a week, I’m not so concerned about the little stressors that used to bug me. I just want to give the relationship another try when I’m not so hung up about the little things. It was always just little things we fought about, nothing major.

I’m still majorly in denial about the breakup, too. I dream about him every night, and getting back together. It just doesn’t seem real to me, and so many things in my apartment and just life in general remind me of him.

After this long saga, my questions are mainly, how can I get over this sense of denial? I really want to get back together, but objectively it seems pretty unrealistic. How can I convince myself that he’s no longer my boyfriend? How can I stop myself from dreaming about him and reconciliation (I wake up so excited in the morning at first because I think the dream was real)?

Alternately, does anyone have any advice for how to approach him about giving things another chance? I really think the anxiety medication helps me, and I’d like the chance to show him that I’m not going to freak out little things anymore. How can I show him that I’ve changed? I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.

Scared to death of traveling. What do I do?

Takeyourtime — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:55:38 -0800

Scared to death of traveling. What do I do? Ok so first off a little about me (male 28)

When I was little (around 2 years and all the way to 16) I traveled to Mexico on a yearly basis. I thought nothing of it and somewhat enjoyed my company there (mostly family). I stopped traveling after 17 due to some money constraints and finishing college, starting a life etc. Well at about 25 years of age my family in Mexico was tried of not seeing me so they booked a flight and of course they wanted me to go. At the time I was incredibly stressed. I was about 26k in debt, going to college and working to support myself because I had my own apartment. I barely let myself have a weekend as a vacation little alone taking a whole week off for something that I didn’t really want to do in the first place.

I also was expected to use my own money for fun and entertainment down there. Again having so much debt and spending money frivolously scared the crap out of me. Anyway, so against my gut instinct I took the trip, mostly because of guilt of not seeing the family. I got to about Phoenix and can only describe what happened to me as a mental breakdown. I was super super anxious. Didn’t want to go. Couldn’t stop worrying about my problems at home. I saw tons of my hair on the pillow while lying down and immediate thought I am going bald. How was I going to explain taking a week for myself doing something that I didn’t want to do. Etc etc. Well I called my mom and she suggested me just tough through it. I immediately broke down sobbing more then I have ever sobbed in my life. The tears just kept coming. At this point I knew there was no way I could complete the rest of the trip. I told her and she again told me to try and tough through it. I hung up on her and am still mad at her to this day for that (im 28).

On the way back to my home town, I started having what I can only describe as a panic attack. I starting “thinking funny,” that mole on my arm suddenly because melanoma, and I was to die right and then. Vision of me dieing to some internal parasite finishing me off etc. Basically just crazy thoughts. I didn’t act on them do to having a very rational logical mind that I relied to on to make me realize there is no way these were the classes. Despite my logical minds best efforts the shear trauma made me just accept my fate and at this point I just gave up. I fell into my feelings and gripped my seat like I was holding on to dear life the whole way back to home. I was pretty stressed out for next two weeks just recovering from this one day.

My next trip was 3 years later at the beginning on this summer actually. I was extremely nervous about it but I knew I couldn’t continue to live in fear for the rest of my life (I didn’t travel before because of anxiety and panic). I finally felt like I was in a more comfortable place to try again. I had less debt, no job, free rent, still debt but manageable. School was still a huge stressor (still in college, harder classes this time). I actually took the flight immediately after my finals. Needless to say I could focus on anything, paniced weeks in advance and was extremely terrified the whole time. But the difference is I actually wanted to go this time. No one was pushing me, this was all me. Yet I still felt scared for reason I cannot describe. I didn’t have the crazy thoughts just a feeling of anxiety. Which honestly I probably misinterpreted excitement as anxiety.

Anyway I took the trip and nervously doubted myself a week in advance. I had to call just about every person I knew and talk to them about my situation to convince myself I should go. Everyone I talked to was supporting and told me that this was a great idea for me and at a perfect time. So I went notifying my flight attendant that I will probably puke at any moment due to the stress. I got to my destination and felt fine for a bit, but wow the next 3 days I just couldn’t relax. I had to listen to mediation tapes for about 3-4 hours just to feel normal again. Mornings were the worst. Over the course of those days things did get better though. And by the 4th day I was pretty much back to normal except tired. Once I relaxed the rest of the trip was amazing. I loved every minute of it. I traveled around, met an awesome friend. Ate good food, had good company, just loved it.

Once I got back home though, I took a new job the next day. Seriously got home at 11 pm and started a new job at 2 pm the next day. I worked that job for about 3 weeks before I got food poisoning from a pot luck. It was really bad I felt horrible for 3 days. And for some reason this triggered a whole slew of anxiety. I no longer could function day to day, I was having panic attacks left and right, anxiety every moment (about things like debt, making a living, finishing college how I was going to survive if I didn’t keep this job). I had to quit 3 week in because it just got so bad all I could do all day was take walks to keep myself calm. I should also mention that this second trip was also a way to “combat” my fear of traveling for 3 years. Something I was hoping would work. Instead it backfired. I spent the next 3 months with generalized anxiety and just barely making it through a job. Of which since I had to make for lost time took up another job. So I was trying to manage 60+ hours a week. Yes I push myself way to hard but honestly the stress of piling debt is worse than working that much.

Ok so here I am. I am about to travel again. I have over 1.5k in the bank for needed emergencies. I have a car that is not a piece of crap that actually brand new. I am almost done with the semester (I have 2 finals in 2 weeks). I am taking less school. Still working part time but took all of next week off. I have Xanax incase I freak out. I have hotels books. I am only staying for 3 days total. I am not flying but taking my car instead. And even though I didn’t have therapy for the above. I have done severaling talkings with friends and family to find out what the causes of my anxiety are and why they seem to be coming. So I think I have that somewhat solved. Although I will be taking therapy again soon since I finally have medical coverage.

I am leaving tomorrow. Didn’t have stress until today (had to take one xanax though). Hotel is booked. I will be driving the whole time. So no plane. (8 hour drive). I have plently of money incase of anything. Everything seems to be in place. I am alittle worried about my finals but I could walk in blind and get a 60 to 70% on them. And I have no work for 2 weeks, plently of days to recover once I come back. O and the whole trip is 3 days total. So nothing major like a week or more.

So why do I still feel anxiety? Its greatly dimished but I still wake up with nightmares and didn’t sleep well last night or this night. I feel like I have gotten things in order. And have emergency on top of emergency plans in case of any possible mishaps. I do still need to pack though but for 3 days that should be easy. And above all I am doing this trip for myself to have and also to make it so I am not afraid of traveling anymore. I refuse to let myself get carried away into thinking I can never travel again because of anxiety.
So still I am feeling anxiety, should I go at all? It took a long time to recover last time and this time I doubt it will be as long. But still I am at a loss if I am doing the right thing. I will be seeing great friends there that I met last time so I won’t be alone. I just wonder if maybe I should cancel. But then I think I gave into the fear which is probably worse honestly. Anyway have any ideas about this whole situation?

Managing the damage. But how?

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:05:38 -0800

Anti-anxiety medication: blessing or cop-out? About a year ago, I had my first panic attack. It didn't happen in response to any specific situation or trigger; I believe it was more the aggregate response to a lifetime of small but persistent stressors which I could no longer deny or put aside. After a few more episodes, I started seeing a psychiatrist, who eventually put me on 10mg/day of Celexa on the grounds that I was over-thinking myself into a spiral about it and needed to see what it felt like to live without the obsessive, tail-eating thoughts that anxiety disorders produce.

Now, I also have a close friend who has suffered from anxiety his whole life. He has experienced many hundreds more attacks than I have (in addition to managing other factors such as OCD and social anxiety). He, however, has chosen to forego medication altogether, choosing instead to conduct his own personal form of CBT with no medical or psychiatric input.

While I believe he's made very good strides through his own method, and I can admire him for his dedication to staring this thing down through sheer force of will, I also see him succumbing to it again rather more than he wants to admit. I trust his years of experience in this matter, but it seems to me that he ultimately forces himself to suffer unnecessarily.

I feel the Celexa has allowed me to "get out of my own way" and lighten my psychological burden in a way I'm not sure I've ever actually experienced before. Also, panic episodes are so debilitating that I think I've occasionally become sick (flu-like) from the sheer physiological drainage they cause when I let them run roughshod over me. He, meanwhile, believes that drugs simply turn people into "robots" and that they only enable people to hide from themselves and their issues indefinitely. He sees medication as a cop-out and an act of emotional cowardice. He also thinks there is no way to actually confront or reconcile panic disorder while on medication, believing that direct exposure to panic episodes is the only thing that allows you to get comfortable with and work through them.

I recognize the necessity of CBT and working with a therapist to address the individual underlying issues and stressors that cause anxiety triggers to begin with. And I can admire the purity of my friend's method, even if I think he'd get a lot farther by doing it in a more guided capacity outside the vacuum of his own mind. But I can't see any downside (cultural judgments aside) to keeping the attacks at bay through medication until I can afford actual CBT.

So, what's the reality of the situation? Is the use of medication for anxiety disorder just a cheat? Is the best thing just to suck up and let the panic batter you around until you can retrain your own brain? Obviously I'm also dealing with the feeling of being judged by my friend, but I'd like to know what the latest word is from the medical community on the subject. Articles and citations are endless on the Web, but I'd sorta like a boildown from someone with a better handle on reliable information.

What can today's fat man do for tomorrow's fit man?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:59:37 -0800

Is it possible to ask someone out several months in advance? I've met someone great, but I've met them too soon! Timing is everything, and I've managed to meet someone fantastic several months prematurely. She's kind and curious and beautiful and there's some attraction and chemistry between us that I'm botching because I like her so much that I'm a complete nervous wreck. And the thing that's making me nervous, the thing that prevents me from just making a move and asking her out properly has an expiration date.

My anxiety-from-attraction problem is actually a weight problem, in that I'm just fat enough to not really be a genuinely viable dating option, and I'm so revolted by the current state of my body that, even if a woman is honestly telling me that I turn her on, I'm incapable of believing her. The solution, obviously, is to lose the weight and I've been working on it long enough to have my fatness on the run, to have it contained to a few final key areas. In about a year - perhaps as soon as midsummer, even - I should be down to my goal weight.

If I had a time machine, I'd fix so it so that I hadn't met this girl until then. Because while I love spending time with her, while there's always this gentle flirty undercurrent to our interactions, while there's reason upon reason to believe that she and I would be a good match, I'm just not ready to make a move. When we hang out, the embraces and little touches and lingering looks she gives me, which should be a thrill, make me tense instead because those are all excellent ways for her to gather more evidence of my flabbiness. I feel so strongly about this girl that I don't want to expose her to my anxiety-tainted affections and I don't want to make her contemplate embracing the flabby mess that I am today. I've got to lose the last of my fatness to be the kind of guy she deserves.

But midsummer or next year is a long way off, and having this secret is really messing me up around her. Just yesterday she was lobbing all these softballs and asking one leading question after another and I botched the whole interaction. The conflict between my attraction to her and the strength of this mental block I've got going leave me a nervous, stammering mess in her presence. I feel like I gotta get this off my chest or make some kind of move or something soon, but not with this body. But the time it'll take to escape this body is plenty of time for my awkwardness to torpedo this relationship or for her to meet someone else and get serious with him.

How should I navigate this situation? Is there any way to tell someone that you're dying to ask them out but can't do it until you've got your weight problem handled? Would it just be the weirdest thing in the world to tell someone that you like them so much you can hardly stand it, but you're not going to act on it for months? Is there any way to make her not think of dating me, but me minus this last fifty pounds? Would it be creepy or flattering to find out that taking you out was the goal driving a friend's last push to get into shape? I'm so glad we met, but now is the worst time! What should I do?

(in case it's needed for any reason, ensignaleksandr@gmail.com is my throwaway gmail for this question)

Mom at her wit's end / Therapy in San Diego

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:49:55 -0800

My mom has always had high anxiety, been prone to fear and pessimism, and has tended to focus on her fears in a very repetitive, verbal way that is often tiring to those around her. Her situation has worsened recently for several reasons. I want to help her find help. This question is both about therapy in general and for recommendations in San Diego in particular. I've been thinking about writing this question to metafilter for several months. This was pushed over the edge this morning when, upon arriving to visit for thanksgiving, my mom opened the floodgates to me, telling me that she now wants to finally take antidepressants after resisting for many years. I told her that I'd like her to at least consider trying alternatives beforehand, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation techniques, as I (and in the case of the latter, her former therapist) have been encouraging her to for many years. I think both of these hold a lot of potential, as her current method for coping with stress largely involves focusing an incredible amount of mental activity on the problem, usually spinning it out to catastrophic fantasies, and telling stories about both the facts of the situation and her imagined scenarios repeatedly to family members, friends, etc. She seems open to cognitive behavioral, but is skeptical about meditation, as she thinks it is useless because she can't stop thinking when she tries to meditate. When I tell her that is exactly WHY she should keep trying, she gives me a tired look. Part of the problem here, really intertwined with all of the problems I'm talking about, is that I know my mom is a perfectionist and cannot stand the thought of failing at anything. She'd usually rather not try.

I love my mom deeply and don't want to understate my empathy. In the past, it seemed that she had a tendency towards what some call "destructive emotions," forming perceived rivalries with co-workers, losing friends and allies (professionally and personally) through acts that she (often understandably) perceived as deeds based on good principle, and being constantly hurt and dismayed through these processes. It's one thing to be stubborn, quite another to be stubborn AND insecure about people's perceptions of you at the same time.

Recently events have pushed her stress to a boiling point. Her brother died last year at 61 years old of lymphoma. Even though she was never very emotionally close to him, and in fact considered him worth a large part of the blame for the development of her insecurities (he really wasn't a very nice brother when they were young, in terms of self-esteem - putting her down, excluding her, etc.), she says that she still cannot stop thinking about her grief, primarily because she cannot accept that she will never speak to him again. These events have also combined with the condition of my 91-year-old grandmother, living in a condominium in Florida, who seems to perhaps be finally entering a real cognitive senescence, probably not coincidentally as her friends and other points of social contact progressively die and move away. My mom feels great guilt at leaving grandma out there, does not know if she can afford to take her in, and is disturbed by some dementia-like events, such as grandma becoming convinced that her son's (my mom's brother's) body was misplaced and that he is somewhere other than his grave.

I almost hesitate to even describe the next. About two weeks ago, my mom found my dad nursing a bottle of vodka in the garage. He had apparently been going like that (not every night, but consistently) for 2-3 years. Dad called me and my brother to tell us he had a problem, but has insisted to mom that he resolve this on his own, in private. In general, dad is not very emotive (this is largely due to his having a very abusive father), which does make he and my mom an odd couple in many ways. I do not agree with his method and plan to talk with him about possibilities such as AA, as I take his alcoholism to be related to a self-isolation that he should deal with more head-on (an issue perhaps worth its own mefi question, but not just yet.) In the meantime, mom also tells me that my life choices have been grieving her. In particular, as a PhD student, I have taken up field research on the US-Mexico border. Suffice to say for now that I think I have taken the right precautions, but she thinks the whole endeavor is unnecessary, that I am naive, and that it is appropriate on her part to respond by staying up at night worrying about me. Regardless of the impact of each of these individual factors, she tells me that she can barely get to sleep at night these days, and she shows many signs of fatigue and emotional fraying.

Now that I have aired an incredible amount of dirty laundry: do people think that I am right to suggest that she try other things before antidepressants? My main issue is that I see a coping problem. I think my mom is deeply, problematically "in her own head," and that if she could spend time with someone skilled at disassembling her kneejerk emotional pathways, that maybe she could begin to deal with her problems differently, find more empathy with others, take solace in what she has, and not dedicate so much mental energy to catastrophizing. She has always been an extremely high-stress person; she has also alienated herself from people, for as long as I can remember, due to her way of turning social interactions into a forum for a sort of firehose-let-me-tell-you-about-all-my-problems activity. (Her immediate family members deal with this differently. She considers me the only one who consistently listens and actively talks with her about it. My dad and brother both tell me that they frequently tune out because they feel unable to grapple with all of it.) It seems to me that this is about more than antidepressants, and that if she took more time to step outside her normal pathways of mental storytelling, maybe she could gain perspective and deal with these things differently.

So, depending on your answer to the question about antidepressants, I wonder if anyone has advice on therapists in the San Diego area who might be good for this situation, whether because they specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, work on mindfulness techniques, or something else. I thank you for even considering the situation and apologize for the lack of succinctness. It's a tough one for me.

All the lonely people

Ziggy Zaga — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:41:12 -0800

The world is full of lonely people. I'd like to bring some of them together... at least the ones in my general vicinity. But I need your help in finding the best ways to go about this. I was thinking about starting a meetup.com group or something for my local area catering specifically to the shy/socially anxious/avoidant demographic. I know there are lots of shy people out there but aside from the occasional support group, there's really not much bringing us all together. My hope is that a group targeting this demographic will help draw them out of the house and into an accommodating social environment.

I haven't quite settled on a particular "theme" or type of event that we'd do, but ideally the meetups would facilitate some degree of interaction between the participants without pushing anybody too far beyond their comfort zone.

So, I'm looking for games, activities or workshops a (presumed) group of 7 or 8 could do that are fun (no worksheets/self-assessments), social (no movies), and cheap (because I don't want money to be an excuse for someone to not attend). I can host in my own home if necessary. We could sit there and talk about our problems (which I'm not too keen on since I'm not a therapist) or we could play social games (Apples to Apples or Pictionary may be good for starters) but I need more ideas than that.

Thanks!

(Damn, no benzos. No wine.)

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:11:41 -0800

My unplanned-pregnant soon-to-be-single-mother friend was unexpectedly invited to Thanksgiving dinner with the, err, donor and his parents. She is freaking out, convincing herself that it will be terrible, etc. Suggestions? My friend is just past her first trimester. Her pregnancy was unplanned, the guy is kind of a d-bag (as for what the "d" stands for, reader's choice). She understandably has mixed (putting it lightly) feelings about him. The enormity of impending motherhood is stressing her out, and leading to some serious depression, and exacerbating existing anxiety.

In his defense, her raging hormones don't make civil discourse easy for me, her friend, much less the guy, who comes across as a little dopey, a little selfish, often insensitive but also just clueless. He's got a Peter Pan thing goin' on, and hasn't had much in the way of long term relationships. He has made little overtures that seem to me promising, but in a spectacular refutation of accepted animal training methods, she seems to opt for bypassing positive reinforcement and goes with reminding him that he doesn't get it.

She is in dire need of a support system outside of, well, me. She works (indirectly) with his father, and has briefly met his mother (pre-pregnancy), and seems to think highly of them both. She has (and I have) hopes that his parents might be supportive.

She really wants to reach out to them, but is overcome with anxiety when crunch time comes around - she described hiding when his father stopped by her area of the building. She had another chance to meet them (painting at his house) and stayed in bed all day instead.

In a surprise move, he invited her to Thanksgiving dinner with his folks. And now she is on the verge of freaking out and missing another of a diminishing number of opportunities to connect with her child's grandparents.

So, sans benzos, or a glass of wine (she has really bought into the "we don't know how little alcohol it takes to harm your baby"), what can I do to assist her in being up for Thanksgiving?

(junk email account: askmefiquestion1000 at gmail)

What are the negative unintended consequences of medical marijuana?

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:03:47 -0800

What are the unintended, negative consequences of having a medical marijuana prescription? I've hit a point with my anxiety where I literally cannot function anymore. I am on antidepressants already, and have sedatives for when I anticipate an anxiety attack, but they aren't working- I feel like the antidepressants don't do anything at all, and the sedatives knock me out cold- and I'm already on the minimum dose.
In the past I have been a non-user, a full-on stoner, and an occasional, recreational user of marijuana. I mean this honestly (and I type this while sober)- the happiest, most productive time of my life was when I smoked on a daily basis. It was the first time I was ever able to hold down a job, I was in the best shape of my life (I had a six-pack!), and my anxiety attacks disappeared. So, now I am considering getting a medical marijuana prescription. I'm not trying to get high- I am hoping to consume low doses of edibles, just enough to get rid of my anxiety.

However: the whole thing just seems too easy. Even though it is now legal in California, are there consequences I'm not considering? Will this show up on background checks? Can I be denied a job for using medical marijuana? Somewhere, I remember hearing that if you have a medical marijuana prescription, you can be denied financial aid for college- I just applied to graduate school, and I'm going to need financial aid.

In short, I need to know every negative consequence that they don't tell you about when you want to become a medical marijuana user.

Relaxing alternatives to marijuana use

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:03:53 -0800

How can I unwind in the evening if I give up pot? And no, alcohol is not an option. I'd like advice for sober ways to unwind, as well as tips for making the transition. I'm an intense, hard-working person who often puts in 12 hour days at work, runs and lift weights, volunteers and has a robust social life, and most of it does not involve pot. I've also smoked weed in the evening probably 5 or 6 nights a week for the past decade.

It doesn't take much. I go through an eighth of an ounce every month or two. I also go without a few weeks a year while traveling, and have quit for months at a time during job searches. But when I have it on hand and I'm having a tough day, it's better than anything else. When I'm having a normal day, it's still pretty nice.

I'd like to stop smoking except when offered by others (a rare event in my life), and I don't want to replace this drug with something else. But I have a constantly-whirring brain that sometimes goes off the anxiety rails, and I'm worried about controlling my worry. I know that pot increases anxiety in some people, but before I started smoking I was WAY more stressed than I am now. Nights when I don't smoke, I often wake up in the morning with a sore jaw from grinding my teeth in my sleep, which is something I've been doing since I was three years old.

Can anyone suggest new, intoxicant-free rituals that might help satisfy the role that marijuana has played in my life? I'm already exercising regularly after work, which helps me relieve tension, but it doesn't shut off the brain churn. I'm thinking meditation might be a good thing to try. What else? I don't want to take on activities that will make me MORE productive. I think I'm inclined to be too productive as it is, which is what leaves me seeking shortcuts to relaxation.

I'd also appreciate tips for sticking with this plan. Pot has become an important part of my life, and I know that it will be psychologically hard to give up. Will I still be able to smoke once every month or two when I get together with my brother or visit my pothead friend? Or should I worry about "falling off the wagon"? Can you share your experiences with giving up or cutting back on pot?

(Nod to this thread.)

She likes me, but does she like me like me?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:32:50 -0800

Late start at dating, and I'm worried that I don't/can't express attraction on dates or around people I like. Halp! I've gotten a really late start into the dating world. I'm in my mid-20s and have basically only gone on a handful of first dates (all arranged online), mostly in the past year or so, none of which have involved more physical contact than a rather chaste goodbye hug. A few times I've developed friendships with (single) women I've been pretty attracted to, but those have not morphed into anything more. (I don't know how to! Literally, don't know how those things happen.) Even aside from the mechanics of it ("touch her arm X times!" "mention Y!"--not that I think you can go by some textbook here), I don't know what happens if the "move" (physical or verbal) is unwanted/unrequited. Seems like it would be extremely awkward, especially if we've already become "friends." And it seems like friends is what I know how to do - I meet someone I'm attracted to and then when we hang out, I don't act like it's a date (I guess - how do you act like it's a date other than paying for someone?)

Relevant background:
-I'm a woman, and I'm pretty much only interested in dating women.
-I grew up (through high school) in a religious environment where no one dated and there was pretty extreme separation of the sexes. (i.e. lack of dating/flirting experience or exposure at a "normal" age, combined with developing the tendency to censor attraction since liking women wasn't really okay in that environment.) (But I have been away from that for >6 years at this point.)

I guess it would be perfect if I ended up on a date with someone who takes the reins and I'm attracted to, but:
a) I don't feel like I can/should count on someone else like that (as someone said in another AskMe: man who wait for roast duck to fly into mouth wait long time.)
b) I worry that I give off "not interested" signals, which might be stopping many people from taking the reins. I'm not an extremely physical person (would love to be more so) and I have these internal filters that seem to stop me from being really obvious about my attraction to people.

To my knowledge, no one, male or female, has ever overtly hit on me or expressed interest (excepting maybe the very occasional sketchy street dude), which suggests I'm either oblivious to cues or giving off some sort of "don't go there" signal.

How can I seem more receptive to advances? How do I express this stuff other than "hey, I like you?"

What happens when you try kissing someone (a friend suggested I just take the plunge and kiss someone I'd been hanging out with) and it wasn't wanted/expected? Or even if you grab their hand and it wasn't wanted?

Throwaway email since this is anon: askme.dating@gmail.com.

Tell me about your experience on Citalopram (Celexa / Cipramil).

SebastianKnight — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:58:53 -0800

I'm about to start a course of Citalopram (Celexa / Cipramil). What should I know in advance? Despite some serious misgivings I've decided to try antidepressant medication for some ongoing depression/anxiety issues. I've been prescribed 20mg of Citalopram to be taken every morning and will be seeing my GP (in the UK) for supervision at regular intervals. I'm hoping that after a few weeks my sleep pattern will be back under control and my judgement less impaired by low mood, anxiety, and exhaustion. If that works out then I'll be in a better position to tackle any underlying issues and generally stop making so many dumb decisions. Here's hoping, anyway.

If you have any experience on Citalopram (Celexa) or similar SSRIs, is there anything you wish you'd known before starting? I'm aware of the potential side-effects and withdrawal symptoms and at this point I'm prepared to take my chances. I'm most interested in your thoughts on the first 8 weeks or so of being medicated. If you'd like to add a comment anonymously, send me a mefimail and I'll paste it in below.

I'll take the first dose this Saturday after asking a GP friend for a second opinion. Can you think of anything I should ask that hasn't been covered above?

(I'm not seeing a therapist, but I am going to start working through Feeling Good as soon as I can. Previously I've used online CBT but found it overwhelming. If you want to talk about therapy, could we do that by mefimail instead? My diet and exercise regime are okay and pretty crappy, respectively. My family/social support network is good.)

How to perform better in public

stenoboy — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:34:51 -0800

How can I better my live performance? Just for explanation, I'm not a musician but a realtime captioner - I make live captions via a shorthand machine that I write live to television programs or for Deaf and hard-of-hearing people in meetings, etc.

The job entails being able to type on the steno machine at verbatim speeds and be able to write cleanly and accurately (choosing correct homophones and conflicts) so the computer can read the steno and translate it back into English via a dictionary I've prepared.

The usual requirement is at least 99% accuracy - and that includes punctuation, correct speaker IDs, etc.

My problem is I'm usually fine, but sometimes I make a load of mistakes. This can be because a speaker can't be heard, I hit the wrong keys, tiredness or difficult material. Once I make a mistake, I often start to go downhill and screw up more. I suppose the job could be best compared to a realtime interpreter in that you only get one go at it and it has to be right the first time.

Does anyone have any tips or tricks to improve accuracy, nerves, and ability to stay on top of a difficult situation mentally? How do performers do it, especially classical performers who have very critical ears listening to them? How do interpreters manage to keep going? How do you cope with a job where people comment more on what you get wrong than what you get right?

Should I mention I'm mentally ill on a graduate school statement of intent

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:35:36 -0800

Should I mention my mental illness on my graduate school statement of intent? Brief background - I have social anxiety, depression, and Asperger's syndrome and a year ago, I graduated with a B.S. in Economics from a fairly prestigious technical school. I really want to go on to get a Master's in Economics, followed by a PhD.

However, mostly due to depression and anxiety, my grades were not that fantastic, 2.6 or so overall and my grades in some of my econ courses were not that great (for instance, I got a C in my Math Methods of Econ mostly because I had to miss a week of class since I was in the mental ward at a hospital because I was ready to kill myself). I do have support from one professor who I actually talked to when I was in school who would be glad to write letters of recommendation to some schools I'm looking at he thinks are realistic options given my background, not to mention I did pretty alright on the GREs (though only a 670 on the Math and 580 on the writing).

However, it was suggested to me by someone that I mention the fact I have mental illness, especially Asperger's, on my statement of intent, that is my essay on why I want to attend graduate school. I've been told that schools like to let in disabled applicants because it makes their departments look good, and that having Asperger's would be an asset as people would think I'm some kind of genius (to be honest, I really wish I had that super-Aspie power of concentration on academic subjects, as I tend to obsess over the Internet and more useless topics). Likewise, someone else suggested I use it as saying that I've "overcame adversity."

But I'm concerned about the fact that there's a stigma associated with mental illness and that an economics department might be reluctant to accept me into their program because they think I'm sort of skizo who hears voices or has multiple personalities or more or less just flake out. I'll also be honest - I really don't think I've "overcome" my mental illness. I wish I could give an inspiring personal account how I overcame it but it's something I struggle with everyday but if I mention it, it would explain why my grades were less than stellar. I think that they might view the fact I'm mentally ill as more of a liability than an asset to their department.

As a tangential issue, I'd like to have the aforementioned professor look over my statement of intent since I can't think of anyone else to do it, but I'm afraid if I do mention it, he'll find out I'm mentally ill and that would ruin our relationship and he'd stop wanting to help me.

So should I bother mentioning I'm mentally ill in my statement of intent? If so, how should I go about it?

I'm not so much ashamed that I'm mentally ill, only that I don't want to be rejected on the account of the stigma associated with mental illness.

As a final clarifying note, yes, I do realize that graduate school will be harder than my undergraduate program. However, I do want to get a PhD eventually because I love doing research and that's something I'd like to do for the rest of my life because it actually makes me happy.

Is having "it" together an unrealistic goal?

dumbledore69 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:44:47 -0800

As a 30-year old who is a part-time grad student and a full-time office worker, are my goals to get control over my life (weight loss, finances, home, work, etc) really unrealistic? Is there a way to just be NORMAL and balanced, or is it really just normal not to really have things together, even as an adult? I am a 30-year old woman, and while working through a number of issues (depression, anxiety, ADHD) I have come to realize that I am deeply unhappy with how I manage my life. I thought medication, which does help, was going to be a magic bullet somehow, but of course that was kind of a stupid assumption for me and I still have a lot of the same issues.

So...the things I am most unhappy about are:

1) My weight. I need to lose at least 80 lbs, but probably more like 100. My general physical health (blood pressure, cholesterol levels, etc) are fine, but I think I've got a genetic disposition towards diabetes and cancer, so I feel like my healthy days are numbered if I don't get things under control. Plus I'm endlessly depressed that I have to wear plus-sized clothing and get these awesome doses of extra low self esteem (to supplement my generally low self-esteem) every time I remember how fat I am because of pictures of me that suck or clothes that don't fit or things I can't do because of my weight. I know that I *can* lose weight, and I have (but regained most of it). Sometimes I get really into my weight, and when it's my top priority, I lose it. But then when I try to focus on something else important, I gain it back because I lose focus of whatever isn't my current pet project.

2) My house. Unless my obsession du jour is cleaning/organizing, I am a slob. When my house is clean, it's very very clean. And it makes me so happy to have it clean. I can't accept that I am a slob, because I feel so stressed when my house is messy, and I can't find things or have people over. I love being home when my house is clean, and I generally enjoy cleaning tasks, believe it or not.

3) My finances. I have also made good progress in paying off some of my credit card debt ... it was $17k, and now it's down to $11k. But I still feel like there are times when I'm really good about money and think before I purchase something and don't spend more than I have budgeted, and there are times when I am focused on other things and go crazy and spend what I want to (or feel that I need to) without regard for the big picture or the balance in my checking account. Some months I pay a large chunk of debt off, and some months I amass hundreds of dollars in overdraft fees because I was focused on something else (like losing weight ... in a weight-loss fueled time period, I'll spend a lot more on groceries and fitness gadgets and workout clothes and justify the spending because "I deserve whatever will help me lose this weight!"). I badly just want to pay off all this debt and be able to stick to my budget.

4) Work ... I get distracted at work, I am sure often because of my ADHD and some perfectionistic tendencies towards my larger projects (and resulting anxiety), but I also tend to get distracted by my current obsession (weight, organizing, cleaning, etc). I just want to be able to focus on WORK at work, all the time, or at least most of the time. And then when I leave work, I'd like to not think about it much anymore (within reason, at least). When I get into SUPER AWESOME WORKER ME mode, I tend to obsess, bringing work home, and just thinking about it all the time. And I might let other things slip because I'm so focused on making things as comfortable and easy as possible for me to do the best work I can.

5) Mood. Not sure if this belongs in this list, because I don't have a history of obsessing about this. But because of all the stress and frustration and all, I know I need to make taking care of my emotional health and mood a higher priority. My plans have been to set aside Sundays to do fun/relaxing things instead of errands / homework / chores, unless I absolutely have to. And making more time to just READ. And I know exercise and supplements will help, too, just like they will with weight.

In talking to both friends and a therapist, a common thread is that they think my expectations for myself are unrealistic and that I need to pick and choose priorities. My argument is that all of my expectations are vital and that I cannot drop any of them.

Also, it's not like I've never tried to focus on one or two goals at a time. I mean, I'm always trying to fix the things I am unhappy about, as I've mentioned above. At any given time, I feel obsessively focused on fixing one area of my life. And I do GREAT at it.

Like, last winter I was all about weight loss. I lost 40 lbs and 2 sizes in about 2-3 months by doing an hour of hard cardio a day, plus yoga twice a week, plus eating very regimented, pre-portioned Weight Watchers-pointed meals. I was a superstar, right until I simultaneously burned out on weight loss and panicked the hell out about something else I dropped the ball on, my finances.

I quickly got all psyched about fixing my budget, so I worked to correct the damage to my bank account caused during the weight loss bit (having spent a lot on assorted special diet foods and supplements, lots of workout clothes, etc), amassed and paid up any neglected bills, automated a lot of my bills, eliminating some expenses, and just doing a really good job there, and learning about finances a bit. It was great until it came time to maintain that. Then it was boring and I was off to the next thing.

It frustrates me so much, and the more I learn about ADHD the more it seems to make sense that I do this. I love the excitement of swooping in and making great plans and implementing them and getting stimulated over sparkling challenges and quick rewards.

But I can't live like this anymore. I just want to work on making some moderate changes to all of these parts of my life. Everyone keeps telling me to PICK something to focus on, and I'm scared of that. I think it's just going to land me right back where I always am ... obsessed with something until it's no fun anymore.

Can't I just be a NORMAL chick who is at a reasonable weight (I don't need to be really skinny, I just want to be in normal US Misses sizes!), who does work consistently, who keeps a reasonably neat house, and who can spend money and save money like a grown up? And who isn't a total basketcase all the time?

I just feel like what I want for myself isn't unrealistic, and that I just need to find a way to build moderate habits in all areas at once, building on them until I get close to my goals. But at the same time, it almost seems like having your shit together is an unreasonable expectation to everyone else.

So what do I do? Do I really have to drop some of my expectations? Or is there a way I can get closer to where I want to be?

I can remember how to do this question...after I remember how to breathe.

Hakaisha — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:43:42 -0800

Help me stop freaking out during my exams. I'm an undergrad in a chemistry program. I think my woes is probably shared by quite a few people out there.

To put it plainly: I have exam anxiety. Bad exam anxiety. I took time off of school to do work experience related to my program; coming back to exams and reports ad infinitum is not doing much for my nerves, which were used to overtime and work stress but also the ability to leave stressors at work instead of taking them home with me (ie. homework).

I've always been the anxious type, but my nerves go into overdrive during exams. My hands were literally shaking when I was writing my midterms last week, even for a course I knew pretty well; I had to keep talking to myself that "calm down, I know this shit, it's just blah blah..." to keep myself from going into full out panic mode. A friend who had sat beside me remarked to me after the exam that "geez, you were loud, I had to divert part of my focus to tuning you out" (note: I'm not loud enough to make anyone suspect I'm cheating; it's more just background mutterings that's annoying but not intelligible).

I just got back a midterm that I had spectacularly failed; it doesn't make me feel much better that 54% of the rather large class failed with me. It's my second time taking the course (failed it once previously during a very bad year); I need this course (quantum, which I've always hated) for my degree, and the thought of me not passing it is...rather terrifying. But when I look at the midterm, there are several parts I knew perfectly well how to do...just that in my nervousness I completely forgot basic rules of differentiation and looked like someone who never even took Calculus 12. I'm not great at the course and probably will never be, but at the very least, even if I won't ace it, I want to at least pass it. And blanking out over math I know how to do is not gonna do my grades any favours, for quantum or otherwise. (It perhaps doesn't help that I'm in a hellaciously stressful term and regularly spending 18 hours a day or so at school, out of necessity.)

So, Mefites: what do I do? Are there calming vitamins to take? Meditation? Something to at least get me through exam times? (Note: I'm not exactly into the drugs scene, so I don't think suggestions of pot will help me here.)

Also: I know the stuff about getting a good meal and a good night's sleep before the exam, and, well, studying to begin with. Can't say I can promise on the sleep bit (my anxiety for the quantum midterm kept me from getting a good night's rest...I'm thinking of dosing myself with Benadryl come finals), but I'm pretty good about the rest.

Feel free to ask for more details if necessary.

Why can't I give it a rest, already??

wild like kudzu — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:01:06 -0800

So, as some of you may remember, I have a roommate. Usually we get along great, but we bicker about once every two months and every time we do it triggers all sorts of anxiety for me. I'd like to hear some advice from people who have similar issues. It seems that no matter what I do we inevitably argue over something small and insignificant at least once every couple of months. I don't even bring up the things that bother me most of the time (like 99% of the time) because I've realized that, as an inherently anxious person, our fights trigger all sorts of bad feelings in me. I've realized that peace and harmony in my home is far more important than being right, or even feeling that everything in our relationship is fair.

I try to let the small things go whenever I can, and try to be really receptive to any issues she has with me. Here's the thing, though, she doesn't seem to like to talk to me. So, she ignores me. And I implode emotionally.

I know that this is something I'm going to need to address and deal with, because people will give me the silent treatment from time to time. It sucks worse because she and I live together and we usually get along so famously, but I know this is something that should not be ruining my life.

I can't force her to talk to me, but this leaves me completely in the dark as to what I've done (if anything). It seems like these phases never end until I muster up the courage to confront her and openly apologize for being alive (it feels like that, anyway). She's giving me the cold shoulder right now, and though she's exchanging pleasantries with me like hello and goodbye she hasn't asked me a single thing about my life or tried to be at all friendly.

I'm trying very hard also not to repeat my past reactions, which were absolute panic and an overwhelming desire to "make things right" by bringing her peace offerings and begging her to speak with me. It seemed like those things never really worked all that well and just prolonged the suffering. If and when they did bring tensions to an abrupt halt, I felt that the result was that I looked like such a weak person, and she always feels she's in the right.

I want to be strong enough to let her be in her foul mood, and do those things which I find insulting (like locking her door while I'm in the apartment... hello, what is she thinking, that I'm going to break down the door and attack her with a kitchen knife?) and which put me into a state of absolute panic.

My palms sweat when I hear her coming home, my chest feels tight, my instinct is to retreat to my room, lock MY door and blast music until she leaves again.... I know these are bad coping mechanisms and, though I'm young now, I know that being under this much stress is hard on my body. My mother developed a stomach ulcer form stress that very nearly killed her when I was young, and I definitely don't want to go down that path. I want to learn how to deal with it when people are distant and cold to me so that I'm not always fighting this ridiculous anxiety.

This time I can't think of a single thing I could possibly have done wrong, and since the fighting started I've been mostly in my room, keeping the house clean, even offering to make her dinner tonight. I just want things to be normal, even if we're not excessively friendly. I asked her via text if I had done anything to bother her, and her lack of response is driving me NUTSO.

I know this is irrational, and I know there's not much I can do to make sure everything is A-ok, but does anyone have suggestions for curbing my anxiety? So far I've tried journalling, being out of the house, drinking... all to no avail.

It also may be relevant to note that these days she has been smoking quite a bit of pot and has been periodically fighting with both her family and boyfriend. I know she vacillates between the three main people in her life (her boyfriend, her best friend, and myself) and so I should probably just relax because there's a very good chance that there's more going on beneath the surface, and she inevitably comes back around to whomever she's fighting with at the moment.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but I just need to give it a rest! Anybody have any suggestions? I'm not asking you to decipher the situation, more to advise me on how to control my anxiety. Also, I know, YANMT, YANMD.

I am living a wasted life. Tell me how to live.

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:56:01 -0800

I am living a wasted life. Depressed and stuck. I know this question has been asked a million times in a million different ways by a million different people. But I want to ask it myself, and hear what you say to me, because I am at the end of my rope. I am weeks away from my 33rd birthday. I am 200 lbs. overweight. I am separated from my husband of 5 years, and in the midst of getting a divorce. I never really was in love with him (he was a good friend, but not a person I ever was sexually attracted to. I am sure he was never attracted to me either). I think we married each other because we were both lost and didn't know what else to do.

I am sad over the end of the marriage, not because I fell out of love, but because it is a wake-up call that I wasted years of my life. I lived years of my life in a marraige, and now that it has ended, nothing has changed. I failed, and I am still the same paralyzed, reclusive, anxious, undependable, scared girl.

Earlier this year/late last year I was out of work for about 3 months due to depression, and luckily I still have a job. I just missed 4 more days of work. I don't know what happens to me. I am fine for months at a time, but then I wake up one morning and just. can't. get. in. the. shower. I sit in bed paralyzed with the thought of facing the day. That leads me to a downward spiral of missing days and days of work. I was suicidal late last year, I'm not now. I'm stuck.

I can't get myself to do even the most simple of things, like changing the cat litter, cleaning the apartment, answering the phone. I have mental blocks. If I have to pee, I will literally sit and debate with myself for an hour over whether to get up and go to the bathroom. I will sit for days knowing that I should get out and exercise, but instead I will watch tv, or lurk on mefi. I love food, and have an emotional relationship with food, but the thought of having to cook a healthy meal makes me tired before I even start.

While I'm at work or forced to be in a social environment, I am different. I am "on" - I talk and joke and do quality work. But it's just a shell that can be so easily broken, and has been.

I have friends but I loose them because I don't communicate with them because I can't bear the thought of leaving my home to meet with them or pick up the phone and call them.

Things you should know:

1. I am currently on anti-depressants, and see a psychiatrist about once a month for medication management. I have been on and off various anti-depressants for about 10 years and will continue to work with my current doctor to get the right combo of medication that works for me. But I also know that drugs can't solve everything.

2. I know I need to go to therapy. I KNOW this. I go, once, twice, then I stop. I think I found a good therapist, so how do I make myself go?

3. I know I need to go to bed earlier. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to eat less and eat healthier. I know I need to maintain relationships. I know I need to find activities. So far I haven't been able to do any of these things for extended periods of time.

I want your advice on how to live my life. I am like a 33 year old infant. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to function as a human being. I think I will die and I will still be the same stale, lifeless person. I will have lived a wasted life. I'm really am not living, I'm only breathing. Can you tell me anything to help me?

email: wastedlife1@gmail.com

Staunching a potential anxiety attack?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:01:45 -0800

How do I prevent an anxiety attack in a specific situation that is likely to trigger one? I am interviewing for professional school in January. I have not had problems with basic job interviews before, and I don't fear presentation or public speaking in general. I have done those things in the past completely without panic or anxiety, even with enjoyment (I did competitive speech in high school).
However, I get anxious just thinking about being questioned about my knowledge, general intelligence, and potential for success by people who hold advanced degrees and know more than I do. I can manage the interviews, but only if I am able to focus on the conversation above those fears. I'm very concerned someone will ask me a pointed question and I'll just start crying or go silent, even if objectively I know I could give a reasonable answer- this has happened once or twice to me before, and once the fear of being judged takes hold, it's hard to stop the physical reaction of panic.

Do I need a full course of CBT in preparation for interviews? Will a one-time use of benzodiazepines be appropriate, or will it make me so loopy that I'll perform poorly anyway? I don't think the usual hacks like deep breathing, stopping for a sip of water, etc. will be enough if I start feeling anxious. I have to go in knowing I am well-armed against that happening. What's the best way to do that?