Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with anorgasmia

Death grip has me in a tight spot.

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 17:49:06 -0800

How can I resensitize my penis after excessive masturbating? (NSFW) Over the past year and a half, I've been masturbating daily to porn. Unfortunately for me, I use a death grip. I also don't use lotion or lube when jacking.

I also started taking SSRI's, which made it harder for me to cum. Thus, my death grip got even tighter.

I've now met a lady, and she wants to have sex. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't think I can orgasm without the death grip.

How can I resensitize myself so I can have sex with my new lady?

For followups, please contact me at chronicmast at gmail.com

Help me celebrate global orgasm day!

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 08:56:39 -0800

Happy global Orgasm day! There's your excuse, now - any advice? ;D I'd like advice on orgasming! Set, setting, & even product recommendations for sex toys.

I don't want to limit it to advice specifically for myself, because maybe I'll be able to adapt it, so I'm asking for
a) general advice &
b) Advice for me - I am a late-twenties female, who has never orgasmed. Not with partner, alone, or in my sleep.

Aka I'm one of the 10% of women who seem to suffer from Primary anorgasmia - It's been a while since since it's been covered.

(Re: never: *cough* I think? Popular opinion says I'd know... others disagree - lets just say there is wow, wow, and wowowowowowwww! but I've never noticed any particular 'peak' or 'release'?)

To dispel common 'causes': Physically, I seem to be pretty normal, according to Family Planning exams etc (& incidentally, normal thyroid, free testosterone levels etc, no medications). No horrible trauma that I know of. Healthy sexual attitude, towards sex and masturbating.
Many lovely partners over the years, some fantastic sex with skilled partners in & out of LTRelationships. No issues with masturbating, although a partner is much better, or at least a vibrator - otherwise it's a bit non-effective, kind of like trying to tickle myself.
Sex-drive - I think I have a fairly healthy sex drive, e.g. even after a year in a LTR, I probably prefer... well, a couple of times a night*, every other day, or at least 3-4 times a week.
(* I think because I don't have a 'release' reaction, after having sex initially and going 'flop' for a bit, if I don't go to sleep or my partner touches me I just want to go again! And again, and again, and again....). I've been ridiculously into literature erotica at various times, and comfortable fantasising etc. I've used at least a dozen different vibrators and toys, current favourites is using this as a set, especially the bullet, however I've never used a 'rabbit' style, or been able to get hold of a Hitachi magic wand for our type of power outlet. Worth it to try? Apparently I already have really good pelvic floor muscles.

One final note - I've managed to try pot, and wow! It does help. See my above note about masturbation not doing much for me? Change that to 'except when on cannabis'. For normal sex, makes it about twice as good (but most of my best sex has still been when NOT stoned!).

Sorry for the long list! Hope it doesn't quell responses. Anything that you've tried, or heard of that's been effective would be thoughtfully considered.

P.S. There'll be no disappointment if I don't get off on the 21st Dec, I have a lot of fun just trying. ;)
I'm just occasionally a little put out that I'm 'missing out' on something cool.

Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 20:30:18 -0800

A not uncommon sexual quandary, but with the typical gender roles reversed. This fortyish M has just started a friends with benefits relationship with a fortyish F. We first met in university where we were acquaintances but our lives spun us off in two different directions. Now those orbits have brought us back together, in a memorable collision. We got together for drinks and the obligatory catch-up chat earlier this summer and had fun. A few weeks ago we started bedding down together and it was good. The only problem: I can't come.

After the first night with no closure for me, neither of us was all that worried about it: this had happened once or twice before with me (see below). Last weekend we spent 72 hours in bed together, and despite effort and creativity and innovations and great enjoyment all around, I still can't come.

Background: the most obvious culprit is internal to my body: I was diagnosed with MS fifteen years ago and while I have lost no coordination or strength, I have lost some feeling. I can still reach orgasm when flying solo, but what I could do as a ninety-second sprint at twenty is a ninety-minute marathon at forty. Still, it's not like I am totally benumbed -- I enjoy the sex quite a lot, but it's not getting me there.

Also, for better or worse, I am kind of a hopeless romantic. I decided long ago (pre-MS) after a couple of lackluster encounters that I was going to stop seizing every opportunity to get laid and hold out for women I felt a strong emotional connection with. The quantity of partners went down and the quality of the encounters went way up. Several years ago I became totally smitten with someone who (for reasons extraneous to our topic here) I couldn't be with. I didn't want anyone else, so I was celibate for well over five years (beating my old record by about four years). When I finally moved on, it was when another friend dragged me into bed for a two night stand last year. No orgasm that time either, but I counted this as due to my being rusty and the fact that I am kind of reticent the first time out with someone new. With couple of women pre-celibacy, it had been something that didn't happen until the second night. I was never goal-obsessed, so I was fine with that. Well... okay with that. So maybe it is still in the offing, it is just taking longer than before.

Something that may be directly connected to that is the fact that my new partner is the first woman I have been to bed with in twenty years whom I was not in love with at some point in my life. The aforementioned two-night stand was a major crush for me circa 1991. Last weekend we talked and were quite clear that this was not a romance, just fun. Maybe I am still looking for that connection?

Other possibilities: maybe my testosterone level has dropped? I am not hounding for women the way I once was, but I thought maybe that was a combination of adulthood and the five years when I slept alone. I am having a blood test next week.

Deeper background: my general health is fine. I have the paunch typical of a middle-aged man who works at a computer all day but my blood sugar and cholesterol levels and so forth are great. I avoid red meat, eat whole wheat bread, and take my vitamins.

My new partner is GGG, and she says she is not worried and that we will get there. She seems to appreciate that I am focused more on her than me. She is very generous: I appreciate her support and her efforts, but it is frustrating when the Point Of No Return always dances just slightly out of my grasp. Our weekend of debauchery was incredibly good, and I was able to get 95% of the way there several times. But that is as far as it goes.

So, what to do?

Pop culture and everything I have read in medical literature on the topic in the last few weeks suggests this is much more common in women than men. There seems to be no shortage of advice for women, ranging from the possibly relevant ("Just relax and don't worry about it and it will be easier.") to the dubiously useful ("Kegel exercises are the cure for what ails you.") to the anatomically inapplicable ("Make sure you partner stimulates your clitoris.") While I will happily take advice from people on both sides of the aisle, I am more interested in hearing from guys who have been here and found their way out, and women whose partners have been here, and what they did to conquer it.

I am not hung up on this overmuch, but I worry that my partner is going to feel inadequate or that she doesn't excite me. Still, the last time I had an orgasm with someone else in the room "Ground Zero" referred to Hiroshima or Trinity. I miss it, y'know?

Understanding that this could be a touchy topic to bandy about in public, feel free to drop a line to notquitemyself@live.com

Cumming but not cumming

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 19:31:13 -0800

Sexual anhedonia is a condition where you 'cum,' but don't have an orgasm. I have it, and would like to not have it. Okay, so the pretext is that I'm male, 20ish, healthy, and in a moderately serious, but non-sexual relationship. I last had an orgasm maybe 7 months ago.

Basically, I ejaculate (when I, yes, masturbate), but don't have an orgasm - none of the feeling, it can happen with my eyes open, like anything else.

The possible causes of anorgasmia (thanks to Wikipedia) are like

* Hyperprolactinaemia
Seems to be more common in women. I don't have any of the other side effects.
* Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), also called inhibited sexual desire
Uhm... I have a little bit of sexual repression thanks to a Catholic upbringing, but it doesn't seem active. And with this relationship.. I'll get to that later.
* Low levels of the hormone testosterone
Not really.
* Spinal cord injury
Nope
* Use of SSRI antidepressants
I've also seen depression as a cause. I'm neither depressed or taking SSRIs. The only thing I take is a multivitamin.

More: I've been getting some odd reactions. For one, I've prematurely come (came, whatever) twice in the past month, so that kind of knocks out the hypoactive sexual desire possibility. I'd like to figure out how to prevent that, too. The first time happened after I didn't masturbate for a month (after having a habit of 4-7 times a week), so I thought it was a result of that, but after changing back to what I used to do, I still did it once, and now, at odd times, I feel like I'm on the verge of an orgasm. Basically, that warm, sort-of-itchy sensation 'down there' - and, on (weird) occasions, I'll get a feeling like I'm flushed, and blood is rushing around, I can't think, and basically having a very weird sort-of-sexual thing without any stimulation - really, nothing. Sitting in a chair, and then getting the feeling that if you move, something bad will happen.

So, is there anything that I can do, at all? I'm wondering if this is psychological or sometime else. My current doctor had no idea when I described the fact that I didn't have orgasms anymore. Other than this thing (which is, really, messing with my mind, obviously) I don't have any prominent mental problems, OCD or whatnot. Could it be a prostate problem? That's been occasionally mentioned in other places. And, of course, this is all the more awkward because I'm not in a sexual relationship, so it's like I'm getting help for a problem with masturbating.

If anyone wants to say something anonymously, send it to anon159@gmail.com

Thanks for any help/guidance for getting me out of this ridiculously crazy situation.

Can't stay on my antidepressant.

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 21:47:39 -0800

Can't stay on my antidepressant. I've had a long history of therapy and have been taking medications for years. My symptoms are basically depression with some more aggressive symptoms (anger, outbursts) as well as intense anxiety. I have tried a number of different drugs (Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac, Paxil, etc.). The only drug that makes me feel like "myself" is Celexa.

When I am on Celexa, I feel calm. I have no temper to speak of. This is important because feeling angry, even if I'm able to keep it inside, I feel really horrible. With Celexa, I'm just "me" and I'm able to laugh things off and not let them get to me. I feel like I'm a nicer person to be around when I'm on the medication. I like myself, and this helps my self esteem.

Problem is, I cannot tolerate the sexual side effects I experience with this medication. Basically, I feel completely numb down there and orgasm is an impossibility. What this means is that I don't stay on the drug. My doctor has tried to wean me off Celexa and try other meds, like Wellbutrin, but every time I start to feel the scary bad feelings and I run back to Celexa. Then I have the side effect and feel the need to go off it.

I guess my question is this. What diagnosis do my symptoms indicate (ie. the depression along with my activated, angry symptoms) and what medications would be more likely to help? Also, what neurotransmitters is Celexa working on? Might there be an antianxiety or mood stabilizing med that would give me the calm, relaxed feeling I have on Celexa? Lastly, has anyone dealt successfully with a situation like the one I'm describing?

How do I enjoy sex more?

mercurysm2 — Tue, 24 Jan 2006 14:30:14 -0800

Save professional psychiatric help, how do I learn to enjoy sex more? (ProbablyNotSafetoRead@Work...) Just to clear this up, I am seeking professional help (with first appointment in a few weeks), so I'm not anti-psychiatry or anything... Just want some personal opinions and advice.

I'm a 21 y/o bisexual male who has had a few male partners (mostly ltr), no female partners, and is still fairly inexperienced sexually. I have had oral, anal, and mutual masturbation a few times with these few guys, but I've never orgasmed with a partner other than masturbating myself to orgasm. I tend to get very nervous, can't stop my mind from running/wandering, and tend to think only about the other person's stuff... So I'm not getting any complaints from partners (lol), but I feeling more and more unsatisfied with not being able to perform properly.

To make matters worse, in American society all I hear about in the media and from other guys (it seems) is that it's hard to *not* cum during sex and premature ejaculation is more common than anything. Kinda makes me feel like I'm the only guy in the world who can't do "it" right sometimes. Lol.

Has anyone else dealt with this problem or had success with a partner who has this situation? Am I thinking about this the wrong way? Any input would be appreciated at this point!

Anorgasmia: is it genetic?

twine42 — Mon, 26 Jan 2004 03:35:27 -0800

A question on Anorgasmia. [More inside][TMI?][NSFW?] Four years after losing her virginity, my wife still hasn't reached orgasm. This triggered all the predictable thoughts that something was wrong or that we were just crap in bed.

But a month ago a drunken conv with her sister made me realise that she'd never had an orgasm either. Nor her mother. Inappropriate comments might imply that her aunt is in the same boat.

The problem is called Primary Anorgasmia, and I can find lots of information about getting therapy to treat it, but this looks like it's genetic to me. I can't find anything about genetic anorgasmia on the net and the NHS just pointed me towards a collection of web resources I'd already seen, so I'm turning to you guys to ask for suggestions.

Has anyone met this problem before? What's the 'cure'? I really want to find out how to solve this. I just hope to god it's not new and gets named twine42's syndrome. ;)