Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with anger

I don't want to lose my temper.

mokeydraws — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:26:50 -0800

My boyfriend has a tendency to lose shit. His wallet, his license, cell phones, keys, ipod, money. This mostly happens when he’s drunk but it also happens when he is stone cold sober. At first, I thought it was weird. Then it became annoying. Now it absolutely infuriates me. Despite his tendency to lose things, he still likes to borrow stuff from other people. And becomes offended when he gets refused. He is currently out of work. Money is so very tight, he has nothing coming in. I get transit cheks and decided to get multiple cards so that he would have transportation for interviews and so forth. This may sound stupid but getting my metrocards through this program provides me with a certain amount of stability. It is one less thing I have to worry about. I don’t have to wait in line at the train station, or spend any after-tax money on them. Despite this, and as a display of trust, I lent him my card. He lost it. I am so angry. This feels like an endless loop in loserdom. When he got in (drunk, at 6am), I felt capable of violence. I made him sleep on the floor in the living room (we don’t have couches) and held back from most of the viciousness.

How do I deal with my anger and communicate with him so that he understands where I’m coming from. I don’t want to cry or yell or throw anything and that is exactly where I am emotionally. I am normally very calm and able to deal with all kinds of situations without losing it. Right now I’m on the verge.

How do I cope with jealousy of other peoples' intimacy?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:02:45 -0800

I am a straight 29-year old male who has never been in a relationship or had any sexual experience. When I find out that other people I know are entering into relationships or getting frisky, I get slammed by a whole cluster of negative emotions, and I need help coping. These negative feelings include pain, like I got the wind knocked out of me and my chest is collapsing, extreme jealousy, anger, misogynistic thoughts like "all women are bitches because they'll hook up with that kind of guy but not me," and thoughts that I maybe my life isn't worth living anymore. (To be clear, I have zero desire to act on that thought, and I find it terrifying when it comes up. If I ever started planning ways to commit suicide, I would immediately seek in-person professional help.)

As I've gotten older and still been without any intimate relationships, these feelings have gotten worse. I used to only experience this when a girl I had a crush on would choose someone else, but it's getting to the point where finding out that anyone I know is sexually involved with someone or is in a relationship with another person can bring up these feelings.

I'm not asking for strategies to find a girlfriend or get laid, and so I'm leaving out the background of why my dating history has been non-existent. What I really need are some ways to keep these feelings from overwhelming me and to deal with the fact that other people get into relationships and have sex.

My EYES! What have you done to me EYES!

orville sash — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 09:33:57 -0800

I know YANMED (you are not my eye doctor) but why the hell is it harder for me to see after my prescription was updated? I went to the eye doctor about a month ago to get my prescription updated and get new glasses. After about a week and a half, I began to notice that things were actually al ittle blurrier than they had been (it was kind of hard to tell at first, because it's not a stark change, but I ride my bike to and from work, and I found myself feeling like I had a harder time figuring out what was going on when I was riding down busy streets because I couldn't focus as well.)

I made a follow up appointment with my eye doctor and had them recheck my eyes, and they basically came up with the same prescription (the doctor in question said it was a difference of "about a quarter," whatever the hell that means). She then had me put on my new glasses, set the eye chart on the other end of the room, and asked me if I could read it. I could. She told me "If you are able to read that, that's 20/20 vision."

She went on to explain that because I work with computers, it's possible that my eyes are tired from looking at the screen, and I should try resting them every 25 minutes or so. However, I just can't get over the fact that I went and got a new prescription and it is now WORSE than it was previously. I have tried the "resting my eyes" technique she suggested - staring out the window and focusing on the furthest possible thing for about 30 seconds before going back to work - but it hasn't really made a difference.

Can anyone out there explain to me what might have happened in this scenario? More importantly, what should my next step be? I obviously don't want to have diminished eyesight, but I also don't want to have to throw a ton of money at getting my eyes rechecked somewhere else.

His depression is making me depressed

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:44:40 -0800

My boyfriend is depressed, again, and I'm starting to get concerned that I don't have the patience to get through it with him this time. I want to help him, but I'm not sure how many times I can keep doing this. My boyfriend and I have been together for several years, and as in most long term relationships, there have been good and bad times. When he's doing well, he's smart and funny and kind and outgoing. The problem is, he has a history of depression, and for the last several months has been in a down phase. He went through this once before (while quitting smoking, which he's doing again) and got through it, but that was an extremely hard time in our relationship. For the past six months or so he's had a lot of stressful things to deal with. We moved in together just as he was starting a new job, and the job ended up being a terrible fit, so much so that he was having trouble eating and sleeping and actively dreaded going to work everyday. He's subsequently left that job and is back in one where he's happy, so I thought that would help with his depression, but he's now quitting smoking again, which has made things spiral out of control. In the last month or so his depression has gone from low-level lack of desire to be involved with friends or complete tasks around the house to suicidal thoughts or extreme anger.

I love my boyfriend very much, and remembering what our relationship used to be like makes me want to do whatever it takes to work things out, but I find myself sometimes dreading coming home because I'm never sure what kind of mood he's in, and I'm starting to doubt my ability to live through this whole roller coaster with him again. I've suggested therapy but he's been resistant to that because he says finding a therapist and going through all his issues will take months, and he doesn't feel he can take that on right now. He wants to start exercising more and working on developing healthy habits, but he says the only way that's going to happen is if he quits smoking. That's understandable, but for this whole depressive phase he'll quit for two weeks, go through horrible withdrawal, start smoking again, then start the whole process over, which I think is a lot of his problem.

I've brought some of this stuff up before, but I feel like I'm getting to the point where it's making me stressed and depressed as well, which doesn't help either of us. I want to talk to him, but in the past he's brushed off suggestions of working out or therapy because he says he needs to do it in his own time. I don't want to make it sound like an ultimatum, but I do need him to understand that this is really affecting me.

Does anyone have any suggestions of things he could do other than therapy or medication (he won't consider medication either because he's had bad experiences in the past), which might help him pull himself out of this? As I said, he knows that exercise would make him feel better, but he can't make himself do it. His emotional instability is making me emotionally unstable, and I'm not sure how I can deal with it.

Hi, I'm an incompetent moron!

A Terrible Llama — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:49:54 -0800

I have a new job where I'm going to get yelled at a lot. What are your tips for becoming comfortable with getting yelled at a lot, or your tips for defusing such a situation?
I have a new job, which I love, but which is going to involve me getting yelled at on a semi-regular basis for reasons that will sometimes be legitimate and sometimes be totally stupid. The person yelling* at me could be anything from some drunk who's retired and living his life surrounded by cats and empty beer cans and total incoherence, or it could be, oh, let's say the mayor of a medium-sized city, or an ordinary cop, or a PR person. Or a VP from my very organization. Or some college student calling to tell me I'm probably ugly.

Some people will be sober and have legitimate complaints. Generally the fault will not be mine, but institutional or technical. Those aspects aren't really important.

It's a 'temperatures sometimes run high' position, it's a basic part of the job. I'm realistic about this, but would like to get some more in my tool kit so that when I'm ready, I'm in the best position to deal with it that I can be.

So: what's how can I best manage the situation, emotionally and conversationally?

*I'm saying 'yelling' but mean the whole umbrella of abusive tirades, personal insults, general human venting, threats of violence, snarky insinuations of incompetence, and drunken rants. Really, the gamut.

Anger: Why Now? and What to do about it?

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:16:27 -0800

Why am I seething now that my ex business partner is willing to reconcile our differences? I was best friends for 12 years with my former business partner. She decided to end the start-up partnership after I had revamped her technology infrastructure, streamlined operations, and established our marketing campaign. I am ok with the dissolution, but have always been upset with the way she went about ending it -- she basically kept me on the hook building our business and operating my end of the business while she secured a different partner (friend of hers) to continue what I started. The deception (actual, outright lies as well as lies of omission) was devastating to me because I could not imagine her ever treating me this way after 12 years of close friendship. Anyway, it has been 6 months since the partnership & friendship ended on a very bitter note. By the end, there were hard feelings all the way around. I spoke to her today by phone and asked if we would ever get to a point where we could still see each other at business events without avoiding the other (don't know why that came out of my mouth). She said she really has no hard feelings and wouldn't be opposed to reconciling. After I hung up, I realized that I am angrier now that she would reconcile than I had ever been before she would consider reconciling. When the partnership ended I felt more blindsided and devastated by how she chose to end it than angry that she did it.
Btw, I am male, she and the new business partner are female and even though we were never romantically involved, the business dissolution felt like how a messy divorce/break-up involving betrayal might feel.

So, thank you for reading this far: Why does it piss me off more than ever to know that she would be willing to reconcile now? Is there anything you would suggest to help me get over these feelings in order to move on without expending additional energy rehashing the past in my head?

My Teenage Daughter Said I'm Untrustworthy. WTF?

dzaz — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 13:01:38 -0800

How do I cope with my angry teenage daughter? After an somewhat nonsensical rant about how hard her life is (I wanted to chat with her about applying to colleges and how the process was going), she dropped the bomb that she doesn't trust me and therefore doesn't have to talk to me. As briefly as I can make it: I'm a single mom, and she's 17 and the eldest of 3 (and 16 year old sister and 11 year old brother as well). Her dad left 6 years ago and lives down the street with his gf and her kids (same ages as mine). Yeah, this has caused serious pain and she and other daughter don't see Dad at all.

Over the years I've tried to get her to talk to a therapist but you know how it is: if she doesn't want to talk, there's no point. So no more of that. She's always been a reticent kid, not prone to being dramatic.

Of note is a few years ago she did try cutting herself; she immediately agreed to talk to someone and within a few weeks truly seemed all sorted out.

In the past few years, she's found a part time job she loves in the veterinary field, got her license (I bought her a used car), and bought a retired race horse. By all accounts, we see less of her but she's pretty happy. School is not her #1 priority, she doesn't want to be a veterinarian and is planning to go to college to learn to be a vet tech assistant.

So far, so good.

So today I asked her how the process was going, asking if she wanted help or anything, and she just went kind of nuts. Her rant ultimately included that she doesn't want to talk to me ever because she doesn't trust me.

I was pretty calm and said that must be a pretty miserable feeling (she agreed) and asked if she could explain what incidents she was referring to because if anything, it was a pretty big thing to say without giving someone a chance to understand.

She refused, continued with her "I have no reason to ever trust you," etc. and told me to leave her alone.

So I did, but now I'm sitting here just wondering, WTF do I do about this?

I have NO IDEA what she's talking about. I honestly cannot recall ever saying one thing and doing another or anything like that.

Help?

Why do I get so angry when I drink?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 12:19:24 -0800

Why do I get so angry when I drink? Every time I drink around my boyfriend, I behave very poorly. I get upset over nothing and end up berating him for things that aren't his fault and things that he can do nothing to change. For awhile I was getting upset over his sexual history. I vowed to never do it again, but last night I ranted at him for being a white male who has it easy. I also probably said a lot of other things too. I go on tirades for hours, no joke. I don't do this when I'm sober (although I do get bothered by things, I would never behave like this normally). He's made every effort to rationalize with me about things that upset me-it isn't like he tries to shut me down. We have a good relationship otherwise and talk about our problems very frankly.

I know that it needs to change and I'm not looking for DTMFA answers. I have a therapist through school and I'll definitely be talking to her about it when school starts again. I just want to know why it only bubbles to the surface when I've been drinking. I had a pretty messed up childhood and I'm sure that has something to do with it. I was just able to admit to myself that I'm angry about things in general. Will I be able to get over this? What is happening to me? It feels scary because I don't feel like myself when it's happening and I don't like who I turn into.

Eurekaaaaarrrrggghhhhhhh!

RokkitNite — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 07:08:32 -0800

Have any things ever been invented because someone lost their temper? So, while doing some research, I read the origin story for Scottish macaroons on Wikipedia, which says that, in 1931, John Justice Lees lost his rag when he messed up making chocolate fondant bars, threw coconut all over the mix in a fit of pique, and - hey presto - macaroons.

Are there any other famous inventions or innovations, either foodstuffs or gizmos or theories, where they were discovered by the inventor throwing a wobbly? Something about it really appeals to me, but I'm not sure where to start looking! Possibly apocryphal stories still welcome!

Healthy ways to get anger and aggression out of my system?

heatherann — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 05:38:38 -0800

Things have been super-stressful at work. My therapist keeps asking if I have a way to get all this anger and aggression and stress out of my system... and I don't! I usually just rant and get more angry. What are some better ways to get the frustration out? I'm trying to avoid going full-on into burn-out mode, but the stress at work has been high enough and lasted long enough that my fuse is really short and I come home frustrated and irritable. It's disturbing my sleep because I can't seem to relax. I'm working with people at work to change the things that are causing the problems, but that's going to be a long process, and I'm at the end of my rope now.

Rather than ranting at my partner for hours (which just gets me more worked up), how can I get all this adrenaline out of my system? I'm usually a "sit and stew and rant" sort of gal, and that's really not working for me. I need to figure out a way to let myself be angry and actually get the adrenaline out so I can be tired and get some endorphins and maybe even move on and think about other things.

My therapist says he has another client who has an unfinished basement who throws plates at the wall. I live in a condo and I'm pretty sure the neighbours wouldn't be down with that. I thought of learning to shoot guns and going to a shooting range, but there are none in downtown Toronto, so it wouldn't be an accessible "had a bad day at work" kind of thing. I don't usually play sports, and don't have a gym membership, but would be open to those suggestions. But I would probably be more open to non-sports options, if I could only think of any. Let's be inventive!

And before we diagnose me, yes, I have anxiety and depression (and perfectionism and INTJ-ness and first-child-syndrome, etc), and my psychiatrist is fabulous and my meds are good. I just need to get the anger and frustration out of my system.

What will happen in counseling?

dilettante — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:09:52 -0800

What can my friend/former SO expect from community mental health counseling? Long background explanation: I have lived with someone for 9 years. He has mental health problems, with an ever-shifting diagnosis. This shrink it's Bipolar I with features of personality disorder, last was Bipolar II, before that...well, assorted nuts. All his previous treatment has been pharmaceutical, barring some short-lived and disastrous attempts at counseling when he was a teenager.

Most of the time I don't mind having him around and may actually like him to be present, but sometimes he gets angry, and turns it on me. For example, his computer desk breaks, and this turns into screaming, getting in my face, and calling me names, with screaming soliloquies about my assorted personality traits as viewed by him. This has happened occasionally as long as I've lived with him. I find it unacceptable, possibly abusive, and after several years of broken promises and apologies, he is to move out very, very soon.

I have suggested he go to counseling for (what I see as) an anger problem, and he says he will ask his shrink next week. He is on SSI, so his options for counseling will likely be limited to a community mental health system we have here. What can he expect from this, assuming he makes it through the waiting list? They say they use CBT - does anyone have any personal experience of whether this is effective with anger problems? Are there any other useful alternatives for someone with questionable motivation and no money?

Note that SSI leaves people desperately poor, and we are leaving open the possibility that he can move back in when his new lease is up if this helps (although he says he's not convinced this is his problem). He has not been an SO for several years now, but he is still my good friend and I do not want him at any risk of surviving in shelters or starving naked in the street.

I'm sorry!

wild like kudzu — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:58:10 -0800

How do you deal when you know you've angered someone? I usually analyze our recent exchanges to try to determine whether I've done something nasty to them. If I have, I contact them, pull them aside and apologize for my behavior. This method works well for me most of the time except when the other party doesn't respond to my attempts. I know sometimes people need space, but my little brain keeps on chugging away trying to figure out what I did/what to do until the problem is resolved.

How do you cope with the cold shoulder from someone you've angered? What if you don't know what you've done or if you don't agree that your actions were wrong?

Just curious, thanks in advance.

Party foul, or reason for jihad?

dejah420 — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:41:46 -0800

Party foul, or unforgivable etiquette breach? My best friend was having a birthday party, and my present to her this year was going to be a decorated cake. (Sorry, no pictures of the finished cake...reason to follow.)

So, for about two weeks, I got ready for this cake; trying different recipes to get the flavor she wanted (it was a chai spice butter cake, with hazelnut cream cheese icing), I made tons of sugar flowers, flow-in butterflies, fondant bees, etc.,etc. Most of the cake parts had to be transported separately, because these things don't travel well, so I drove down (about 4 hours) to the party a half a day early to put the cake together, which took another 3 hours.

The birthday girl wanted to cut her cake after the pot luck dinner, and after everyone had a chance to go swimming.

I came in from the pool, and found that one of the guests...known for her rather tacky behavior, had disassembled the cake...put the sugar flowers all over the house, and had taken what looked like a huge handful of cake out of the cake itself. I didn't even get a chance to take a picture of the final cake, the birthday girl didn't get a chance to cut her cake, and nobody else at the party got the experience of the whole cake ritual. (singing happy birthday, etc.)

I was furious. Livid, even. My exact words were "What the hell is wrong with you? Were you raised by wild animals? Under what circumstances does this qualify as acceptable behavior?"

The woman who did all the damage ran out crying, and her husband came in to berate me for making his wife cry. At which point, I just threw up my hands and walked away. Now, keep in mind, these are not kids. These people are all over 40.

I feel like I have every right to be angry that some twit destroyed my present and hours and hours and hours of work, and that I should never have to do anything but be country-club polite to her ever again. (Yes, I know that it is a particularly vicious female tactic. I only use it when jihad seems too kind.)

Other people say that it was an egregious party foul, but given that the person is socially clueless and inept, that I should forgive and forget. (Other than randomly seeing this twit at parties, I have no contact with her, and I'm not demanding that anyone else stop seeing her, I'm just saying that I will no longer be friendly to her, especially since she feels like she shouldn't have to apologize "because I yelled at her". )

So, your opinions: Am I over-reacting to an egregious party foul?

Make me a better boyfriend. Please?

the NATURAL — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 04:21:50 -0800

Anger Filter: How do I treat my girlfriend better? So... I've got a temper.

I'd say 90% of the time, I'm cooler than the other side of the pillow (even despite my misanthropic tendencies), but when I get riled up... I get riled up.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year, and we are both very much in love with each other despite being on opposite coasts for the time being. When things are going well, she is the kindest, most thoughtful girl that I've ever spent time with, and I can barely quantify how much she cares about me. I find her adorable and incredibly sexy at the same time.

However (and you knew there was a however somewhere in here), when we argue over one thing for too long, I lose my shit (pardon my Turkish). This has mostly been since we've been apart - going on five months now - and has been over the phone. (Mind you, I've never struck her or done anything quite so drastic.)

It seems like when I blow up, I forget who I'm talking to, and how much I care about her. I'm prone to yelling and using harsh language, though she doesn't deserve it -- which, over the phone, is pretty much the worst thing ever.

The pattern I seem to follow when we argue is an overwhelming reluctance to talk at first, for what I think is a fear of saying something that will adversely affect the debate -- much to my girlfriend's frustrations. I remain levelheaded during this part. As her anger escalates -- or, as the argument begins to snowball into a genuine fight -- I start losing my temper and saying unkind things.

What's wrong with me? What can I do to keep my cool and manage my frustrations yet advance the situation? Please help me love her like she should be loved.

How do I manage my depression without insurance?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:53:29 -0800

I need some help managing anger, depression, and sadness. More specifically, I need to figure out some way for my boyfriend to control his urges to beat the crap out of random people and for me to control my deep depression. The back story is that we are both recent law school graduates. My boyfriend has been totally unable to find a job since ending a temporary job in November. I was laid off in December and my severance ran out in February. We are both saddled with a huge amount of debt and I've been supporting him for several months now.
We spend our days sending out resume after resume, writing cover letters, and looking for jobs. We are now contemplating moving out of the New York area and into my boyfriend's parents' house in Virginia.
All of this is a fairly normal story, I'm sure, and one that lots of people are going through at the moment. The problem is that my boyfriend is angry -- really angry. Angry enough that he tells me he's afraid to leave the house because he doesn't want to get into a fight and really hurt someone. He is also now beginning to have serious stomach problems as a result of worry.
I am barely functioning. I know that it will probably be a really long time before I get a job (as a newbie lawyer with no experience) and moving into the parents' house feels like terrible defeat. I cry a lot and feel listless and upset. I try to exercise but can barely muster the energy. I avoid friends because interaction with other people is becoming difficult and also because I am ashamed of my situation. I realize this is irrational. I talk to friends and family sometimes, but feel that I am burdening them with my problems when so many of them have their own troubles.
We have no health insurance so counseling is not an option. We are in the NYC area, but I haven't found many resources for people in our situation. I'm not looking for job resources, but for a way to save our mental health while we get through this tough time. I am afraid that if things continue the way they are, my boyfriend will end up in jail for beating someone up.
Any suggestions or strategies are more than welcome. Thanks, and please excuse the very long post.

Help me keep my cool.

photoslob — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:33:41 -0800

I yelled at someone tonight who deserved to be yelled at but I now really wish I could have kept my cool. How does one keep their cool while getting the point across to someone that they're incompetent? Here's the background: I've been doing preproduction for a job while juggling other jobs for the last week and a half. To say I've been stressed out is an understatement. I've dealt with so many people over the last few days that have been professional and in some cases not extremely easy to deal with but we've all worked together to get the job done. But one guy, just one guy, has been a total tool. He's a vendor that I was renting gear from and when I called him this week to talk he gave me the big blow off - he acted like a total jerk. This is not out of character for him. I decided I didn't need to deal with him since there was another rental house I could deal with.

Tonight he called and was pissed that I didn't call him back to secure the rental. I simply stated I didn't need his gear. He then decided to dress me down and I finally blew a gasket and told him he wasn't the only game in town and that he was a jerk. I was screaming at the guy. Kind of embarrassing now that I think about it.

So, my question is this - how does one suffer fools professionally without losing it? I'm a nice guy but I have a temper - not a short fuse but I will blow up when pushed. Doesn't happen often but when it does I always think later I should have handled the situation differently.

Any advice?

Why am I so grumpy today?!

SansPoint — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 07:47:30 -0800

Why is everything pissing me off today? Well, almost, everything! I'm about to flip. As of last night, almost everything has been pissing me off. While trying to replace a makeshift heat curtain over some leaky windows in my apartment, I got testy on the phone with my father, and broke a set of window blinds after the damn thing fell off again. That's, I guess, when it started, but I figured it was just fatigue, as I'd slept very poorly the previous night.

I got plenty of sleep last night, and I'm still pissed at minor things. I'm pissed at the delays on the trolley this morning, pissed at the interruptions at work, pissed at the sound of the window cleaner raising and lowering the blinds, pissed at the banal emails I'm getting. Pissed at the slow service at Dunkin' Donuts, and the customers who don't know how to move out of the way... the guy sitting behind me snorting his snot... the guy who sits next to me's voice... everything is a stressor this morning, except my IM with my girlfriend.

This is very unusual for me. While I get angry like every other person, I'm usually pretty slow to rage. Most stuff bugs me for only the time it takes to deal with it. I can't figure out what's causing this, or how to stop it. Please help...

How can I help my fiance?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:19:46 -0800

My fiance is contemplating quitting her Ph.D. program and refuses to either address her problems with her advisor, seek counseling, seek the help of friends, or discuss the issue with me. She prefers instead to drink wine and watch crime shows. She knows that she does not take criticism or advice well, and she knows she's being immature and needs help, so what can I do? This will be somewhat long.

My fiance is 31, I am 28. She got accepted into the Ph.D. program of her choice last fall and, after getting engaged over the summer, we both moved to this remote but large university town to begin her program. She already had her masters degree in her field, but very few of her classes transferred. Her thesis did not transfer. She has already taught university classes in her field - when we met she was teaching a full course load at a branch campus of a big university - but now that she's in the program she has to work to get her masters like the other first years, and so there is a bit of a chip on her shoulder in that she thinks she should be treated as being a bit more advanced.

Her biggest problem is that she and her advisor are always bumping heads. She complains that her advisor refuses to read her research ideas and so whenever they have meetings they get into the same argument which goes:

-I don't understand what you're trying to do here.
-I'm trying to do X.
-Well, maybe you should write that out and hand it to me at the next meeting.

It drives my fiance crazy because she claims she HAD written X out, and keeps writing it out, but her advisor simply won't process the material. What's frustrating to me is that my fiance won't simply address her advisor and say, "Actually, I wrote that in my first proposal, see, right here, line 8..." Because even though she despises her advisor she also feels like her advisor is busy, insecure, and would get angry with any hint of criticism. My fiance does not handle conflict or disagreement well, and so has a habit of avoiding uncomfortable discussions if possible. She has consistently felt like her only options are to continue on miserably or to drop out. The other two options, get a new advisor or reasonably discuss her issues with her current advisor, are things she doesn't want to or will not consider.

Part of this is certainly the advisor's fault - she has a reputation for driving nearly all of her students either out of the program or to different advisors. Her retention rate is something like 1 out of the last 5 students.

However, my fiance could also be a bit more proactive, I think, and a bit more mature in how she handles the relationship. For example, today there was a group meeting in which she presented her materials - it got heated, her advisor asked the same X question, and so my fiance started crying and hid in the bathroom for 15 minutes. Eventually the advisor came in and started talking to her, trying to clarify what she meant and trying to smooth over what happened, while my fiance told her to just go away and that she couldn't talk about it anymore. I understand that she is in a lot of stress but obviously there are better ways to handle this situation. To me, it is troubling that a 31 year old pre-professional would act like this in front of a person who is essentially her boss. However, I understand that I don't know what it's like to be in that environment and dealing with the stress that she's going through.

Today was not a one-off either; occasionally she has episodes like this, where she just completely breaks down and disengages with the people she's dealing with - one example is that she simply cannot talk to customer relations people on the phone without getting incredibly angry, crying, and throwing things. Then she'll hang up, look at me, be like, "what the fuck is wrong with me?" and tell me that she knows she needs help. The problem is that she has health insurance through the university and all help she can get will be with people associated with the university and, worse, within her program. We don't have enough money for her to go to a professional outside of her health insurance. She is, I should mention, on anti-depressants and if she goes off them for more than three days she will completely break down because she thinks everyone is judging her all the time.

She also has a drinking problem. On occasion, she acknowledges she has a drinking problem. It's not always an issue, i.e., she doesn't drink every night and in fact she can go a week without drinking, but as soon as a problem flares up she hits the wine and can easily down two bottles in one night. This is how she deals with things. She drinks and watches CSI with the cat, while I got the Y or read or mess around on the computer. When she gets really good and sauced she'll try to pick a fight with me, talk about how awful her childhood was, and tell me that I don't love her enough and that I don't appreciate her. It's hard to discuss this stuff with her at a later time because she doesn't really remember it the next morning, and if she does, she's very apologetic and acknowledges that she needs to get help. I drink but I very rarely get drunk and when I do I'm a very happy drunk. I've never been around angry drunks before and when she drinks I get a lot of anxiety because I'm watching her drink, hoping she doesn't get too drunk and become Angry Fiance.

She has friends who have gone through other Ph.D. programs and she has friends within her Ph.D. program. She doesn't want to talk to them. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to talk to anybody. She doesn't talk to her family. There's no valve.

I feel like she needs help but I can't be the one to get her to go. She has to make that decision. I love her and she can be the sweetest, funniest, most charming person in the world. But she has a dark side, and it is seriously jeopardizing her success in her program. I also sort of selfishly want her to continue on here because I quit a comfortable job to move with her, at her insistence, and I feel like she owes me more of a fight than this. I have not verbalized this to her, because I know it's quite selfish and would just add more guilt to the fire that is her sort of eternal self-doubt, but really, I feel like I made a sacrifice to come here and that she can do more to try to make this work. At some point, of course, if all options have been exhausted, I would be willing to move again to make something else work.

Have any of you been in my position or the position of my fiance? Perhaps I am being overly critical and she does not need help, she just needs my support. Fair enough. But it is very frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who won't talk about these issues. I like making plans, talking through problems, trying to set goals, etc. She thinks making plans only leads to disappointment when you don't achieve your goals.

Ultimately, she acknowledges that she needs therapy, and often mentions that therapy helped her in the past - she just will not do anything about it now. She simply wants to ignore the problem and drink wine. I really don't know what to do. Please help.

I feel cranky, oh so cranky

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 10:22:40 -0800

I spend much more time feeling cranky than I would like to. When something makes me angry, I don't just get mad and then get over it. I brood on it, and at random times over the next few days, that cranky feeling will pop up and I'll relive the incident that made me cranky in the first place, and all of the original bad feeling comes back. Does anyone have some practical solutions to help me break out of these persistent crabby moods? I'm generally in a pretty good mood unless I feel crabby. Normal relaxation techniques, which I use and love when I'm just feeling a little stressed, don't work here. This crabby mood is so strong that sometimes I even get broody in yoga class. A remembered insult will pop up, and even as I'm holding a pose and breathing deeply, I feel brooding and cranky.

Talk therapy didn't work, but maybe some other type will. I'm open to suggestions.

How can I stop feeling resentment toward my ex?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 06:22:41 -0800

I'm troubled by unresolved ex issues. How can I move on from these feelings of resentment? My ex and I broke up over a year ago, and I still feel angry because of things I never got to say. I put up with a lot in the relationship and got very little, and the breakup was sudden when I woke up and realized I was wasting my time. It was liberating for me, but maybe traumatic for my ex. I hardly grieved over the relationship, but my ex clung to what was for a long time, to the point where I felt I was being harassed and cut off all communication.

Now that I have had all this time to think about the situation, I realize I'm still resentful and angry because I never got to express to my ex exactly what I had been unhappy about for so long: my ex's serious faults, and how neglected and lonely I felt in the relationship.

I want to pour this all out to my ex in an attempt to share what my perspective was at the time. But I also remember how hard it seemed to be for my ex to let go, and the great effort I went to in breaking all communication between us. I feel that re-establishing contact might set my ex off again, and create the impression that I want to talk it out, start up a friendship again, etc.

I really just want to tell my ex off like I never had the chance to do. But, this doesn't seem wise. I would like to resolve some of the feelings I am having... how can I do this?

Get out of rut

Penelope — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 08:11:13 -0800

Stop feeling sorry for myself and lighten up. Help me stop feeling sorry for myself and be able to see beauty and feel peaceful again. It's been 9 years now, with a year inbetween when I felt fine. Suffice to say that at that time I had to make a decision, which I did in an informed way. However I then proceeded to wallow in it quite a bit, probably because (excuses, excuses) at the same time I was getting off my 2nd job post-university and maybe my dad's illness was a contributing factor. He has since passed, about 2 years ago. Anyway I did myself no favours at tha time, rather than getting my butt in gear, I freaked myself out, getting a little housebound, and going to a shrink who I can assume as going by training, but I used his words to freak myself out more. (Rather than reassure me and put things in perspective, he suggested that perhaps I was x,y,z horrible thing, and I really internalised it, as well as all the wacky things my friends said to me. I know it's not their fault, they were only reacting to the wacky way I was acting) It was a pretty nasty spiral, and I've lost touch with my old friends (most of whom moved away anyway), and didn't effectively make closure with my ex, who was at a partner in the decision I made which precipatated the "breakdown". I feel all right now when I take a mild tranquilizer, but it just makes me feel ok in the moment and doesn't spur me on to better places. I think it's not prescriptive, the solution, but rather something within me. Please help me get out of this rut.

Help me and my bruised hands.

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 19:17:59 -0800

How do you control a ridiculous temper? 26 yr old female here, on Paxil and Clonazepam, for what it's worth. I have always had a short fuse but in the last few years it seems to have gotten much shorter. I don't know how to deal with frustration. I get pissed off at people who drive like crap, people who are slow in lines at the store, and when something is continuing to thwart me so to speak.

Yesterday my partner and I bought a Christmas tree that was way too tall. We spent hours with a hacksaw trying to get this thing cut down to a manageable size. We fought and fought and fought it. I am known to scream in frustration occasionally. Or throw things (not at anyone or anything, just throw it down to the ground). I was frustrated to no end after hours of sawing that damned tree and I stood up and whacked my head on a shelf on the wall.

Then I just lost my shit. I slugged the wall (5x according to my wife) in sheer rage. Afterwards I cried my eyes out because it overwhelmed me and I was scared and shaking. As if this ridiculous display isn't bad enough, my partner's last relationship was with an extremely abusive woman. Needless to say when I turned into a spaz and slammed the wall I scared the shit out of her.

She told me she was scared of me at that moment and couldn't handle that feeling again, which I totally understand. She's been through way too much to have to deal with tantrums from me. How do I learn to control these feelings? It builds up inside me and seems to boil over. The smallest frustrations seem to lead to outbursts. Please help. I don't want to be like this and I don't want to drive my partner away.

I need to find meaning in life

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 07:26:29 -0800

I have managed to screw up my life repeatedly for years and officially hit bottom recently. How do I escape this descent into nihilism and find meaning and success? Hello MeFi. Long time visitor, first time poster, and anonymously at that. Apologies in advance for the length, I'll try and keep it concise.

I'm almost 25, male, living in a big city, by all superficial measures should have a good life, but I'm finding myself slowly sliding into some sort of nihilistic state. I wrote up a long backstory, but to make it a bit easier to follow here it is in a more PowerPointy fashion:

College: spent the first couple years reaching new depths of depression and loneliness, struggling to figure myself out. This was mainly due to emotional/social immaturity, some passive aggressive behavior, and never finding a group of friends I felt like a real part of. After hitting rock bottom, slowly channeled that depressive energy into work, classes, working out - basically trying to stay resilient, angry, and to improve myself. This was perversely a good thing, because it gave me something to work for.

Post-college: started work, life slowed down, settling into a rut. I think without the variety of demands and social opportunities (few that they were) that college offered, I started losing motivation. It wasn't emotionally terrible, but I knew I didn't love the way my life was going.

This year: job got particularly frustrating and stressful, started playing (read: gambling) in the stock market several months ago, lost almost everything in my brokerage account (half my total savings). I kept hitting new lows (financially and emotionally), kept making bigger bets to try and make it back, and plumbed new depths of self-loathing, depression, and anger. Much of this has faded away with time, but the effects are there.

Upshot: social relations severely dysfunctional. No close friends, not emotionally close to anyone, very untrusting of everyone and strongly hesitant to reveal too much about myself. Significant loss of self-confidence and frequent feelings of shame. No motivation to do things, can't over my defeatist side to even try, and enjoy virtually nothing in life. Can't concentrate at work, can't clear my mind to sleep well. Occasional feelings of noticeable but not overwhelming anxiety about nothing in particular. I have no perspective on what's "normal" in any element of modern life. Not that it matters, because life is meaningless for me.

Strangely I'm not depressed, but sort of in a stoic despair. I'm basically running on innate survival instincts now. I used to be able to justify and rationalize my mistakes, but this one is eluding me. I want to say to myself that I'll rise from these depths and become wildly successful, but this time I don't think I believe it anymore. I want a break, something amazing to happen to me. But I can't rely on that kind of thinking anymore.

I've always been very stubborn, but now I'm asking for help, some real-world advice. What sorts of things can I do to feel that fire I felt back in college that kept me going? I know I want to be successful, and I continue to call myself very ambitious, but how do I prove it to myself? Are there things I can do to change my thinking so I can try and create something of value in my life? Can I ever achieve anything socially given how much "baggage" I have in my past? How do I figure out "who I am" so I can change for the better without feeling like I'm lying to myself?

I'm not expecting a magic solution here, but there's still a glimmer of hope inside me that's keeping me going, and if I can truly convince myself that I can achieve my ambitions if I just invest myself in moving forward, I think I can make it. To pre-empt some comments, I am actually looking for a therapist after all these years, but until I find someone I can connect and make progress with, I appreciate any real-world advice anyone can offer.

To A Near-Disabling Extent, I Wear the Opposite of Rose-Colored Glasses

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:51:26 -0800

I see the world, and all in it, as something vicious and ready to attack me, and that influences far too much stuff in my life. Help. As a pre-adolescent and young adolescent, I was badly bullied; one bully was so out of control he went away for a few weeks to a mental health facility; in another case, older Scouts in my Scout troop did such things as shitting in my sleeping bag, as well as worse things I just can't remember. As an older adolescent, my family saw bankruptcy and foreclosure thanks to unethical actions by people my father worked with. I remember feeling so helpless to stop the world's attack of my family, trying to do small ineffective shit to try to help my family (dishes, vacuum, etc.), trying to talk Mom down from her sobs. At college, I was stuck on a geographically remote campus (30 minutes from even a diner) and while there they destroyed any confidence I had in myself.

The problem is that I expect the worst from everyone I ever interact with, and from Fate. It colors everything everyday. If we have a pleasant conversation, you're merely tolerating me. I can't rustle up the desire to form new friendships, because if we become friends, something will happen. If you're a girl, you certainly won't think I'm funny, or interesting, or cute. Ask me whether I really believe I'll ever reach any of my Major Goals, or when I last had fun. If something bad can happen, it will. When the worst happens, I take it as confirmation. When it doesn't happen, it doesn't really penetrate; I simply grimly prepare for the next shot. My rational mind can and does counterargument, but it's not a match for the feeling, it just lessens it. Occasionally.

This issue's been so stubborn it's made therapy last years: perhaps because when something bad happens in my life, big or small, that part of me seizes upon it as "evidence" it's right, reinforcing itself.

What do I ask? Well, how can I go about really disabling this thing, since it's so well-planted in my head, coming from so early in my life? It's not part of the back-and-forth thoughts I hear myself think; it seems to be part of the inherent, automatic assumptions I make about everything around me (on the same level as "the sky is blue," just assumed). Others got help breaking their lifelong self-delusions here; I'm hoping to get the same kind of advice.

I want to start assuming the best of people, and view new possibilities with freshness and the desire to explore, not thinking everything is predisposed to end badly. I'd like to be as confident in others' friendship (or maybe love) as I am in my cat's affection: feel that same peaceful security in others.

I'm at UtterlyAnonymousEmailAddress [at] gmail dot com, if needed. Thanks in advance.

Unwelcome flashbacks

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:10:58 -0800

My past experiences are coloring my perception of the present, my personal life is crashing into my professional life, help me make it stop. Things are changing for me at work. I'm moving to a position that's a much better fit for my skills and interests. I'm in academia, so things like this don't happen often. It's awesome, and I'm grateful.

However, it's causing some anxiety and hurt feelings in the area I'm leaving, particularly with my immediate supervisor, who, along with his wife and children, have been close personal friends of mine. I expected some of this reaction from him, mostly because from his perspective, the change came out of the blue, and he feels that more notice would have been better, particularly given our friendship. I'm willing to take responsibility for the choices I made in that regard.

The problem is this: his obvious and oft-stated disappointment/anger/hurt feelings are taking a form which is eerily evocative of behaviors and attitudes belonging to a long-ago (more than 10 years) ex who was often emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. This makes my reactions and emotions respond at a level completely out of whack with the actual situation. Yes, it's stressful and sad, but no, I don't need to find a place to hide, or pack a "just in case" bag to be ready to flee when he approaches.

Now I've started having dreams where I'm in unhappy past places and situations, but he's taking the place of my ex who was really there. I have to consciously remind myself at work that all he's done is yell and say some unkind things, that he hasn't actually, and wouldn't ever, hit me. This seems ridiculous. I'm starting to feel like a tv movie Vietnam vet, leaping behind couches when a car backfires outside.

He doesn't know about the ex, and now is not the time to tell him. (Before all this happened, I would have been perfectly comfortable telling him about it, there just wasn't ever any reason to. I've had therapy, moved past it, gotten support, had subsequent healthy relationships, so, it's just not something that tends to come up in everyday conversation.)

My question is, how do I deal in the short term, since we'll be sharing office space for at least a few weeks longer, what's the best way to cope should additional confrontations arise (again, this is academia, drama tends to run higher than it did in non-academic jobs I've had, so confrontation is decently likely), and, is there anything I can do in the long term to more or less "unlearn" this association between my ex and this guy so I can have some hope of rebuilding the friendship?

Thanks, AskMe. You've always handled my non-anonyme questions so well, I have high hopes you'll be able to help me fix this, too. If I've been unclear, email followup to HeIsNotMyEx@gmail.com.