Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with alcoholism

Help Me Help a Drunk Friend

snsranch — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:03:41 -0800

Where can I find drug and alcohol rehab and counseling here in San Diego with absolutely no funds. I'm asking for a very dear friend who has had a rough couple of years and will soon be homeless and destitute without help.

He had a major injury at home, was laid off, has no health care and started drinking to replace his prescription pain meds. He's since wrecked his car while DUI and has to face those legal problems as well.

I really want to help but don't really know where to start. Talking with him now results in tears and denial. He's drinking 24/7 (vodka) and rarely sleeps. His family is tapped out financially.

Who should I call and what are other ways that I can help him out? It's just my non professional opinion, but considering that he can't even talk about things, let alone go try to get a job it seems like rehab might be his best option.

No, sippy cups are not for scotch

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:57:42 -0800

My kid has a much beloved playdate buddy. Problem is; playdate buddy's mom is a drunk. A clingy, needy, whining, status-symbol addicted, country-club, drunk. I wouldn't mind if she was a fun drunk, or if she only drank after her husband got home, or if she didn't call me and want to come over when she was drunk...but suddenly, I've got this drunken crazy woman in my sphere. I don't much care for her, but our kids adore each other. I don't drink. I used to drink. I used to drink a lot. Then I realized I was probably an alcoholic, and I quit drinking for the most part. (I'll once every couple of months have a glass of wine, or an after dinner port or brandy, but I've trained myself to stop after one. More than one and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop, ya know?)

Anyway, I know all the symptoms of someone who is functionally drunk. The careful enunciation, the deliberate movements, the sort of sloshy head thing, and the overwhelming cloud of breath mint. She hides her drinking, but it's pretty obvious that she carries booze with her, on outings, she'll disappear every 15 minutes or so until she hits that "stage". Anyone who knows a drinker knows what I mean by the "stage".

All of that would be annoying, but tolerable, except for the fact that she wants to drive over to our house after she's called and I can tell she's "staged". Also, when we go places, she wants to always take her car, because she has a very expensive car, and she doesn't want to be seen getting out of my little economy car, when we could be driving in her status-mobile.

Thus far, I've been avoiding the issue by saying "oh, I'm sorry we're doing something" or by bringing my kid over to their house...but tomorrow is a big day. A bunch of neighborhood moms are scheduled to take the kids to see Santa and some other xmas events.

It will be an all day thing, starting very early. How do I tactfully suggest that she ride with me, rather than letting anyone else ride with her?

I despise drunk drivers more than I can express, for reasons I won't elucidate here. But she's kept her alcohol use hidden really well from those people who either aren't or haven't been around alcoholics. So, I can't just come out and say to the other moms "Look, she's a drinker, it's not safe, just take your minivan." I mean, I can, but it's going to cause a huge scene, at xmas, when everyone is already on edge, plus I'm not sure anyone would believe me. She's very good at hiding it, and she intimidates those people who are intimidated by wealth.

But, I'm afraid if I don't say something, then gods forbid, something happens...I can't knowingly put all those other people in danger.

Help me hive mind. How do I keep the drunken trophy wife out of her Lincoln?

Throwaway email: playdatemomdrinks@gmail.com

Is my boyfriend an alcoholic?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:00:24 -0800

I think I may have to leave the man I have made many sacrifices for, because he is an alcoholic. But I don't have the guts to do that, because it would kill all the faith I have in humanity, and because I love him, and care for him, so very much. He refuses to get help because he doesn't think he needs it. Am I being stupid if I decide to stay in this relationship? I apologize if I am long-winded, but I think I have come to the realization that I have to leave the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and who I love deeply.

We just got back from a party at a bar where he ordered ten large bottles of beer. These people were my friends, and he was loud, obnoxious, and when they said that he had ordered ten bottles and needed to pay for them because no one else was really drinking, he was insulting to them. When I tried to talk to him outside, he threatened to smash my head into the wall - he wouldn't ever do that, but the fact is the he disrespected me all night, and didn't care what I thought of his behavior. He drinks non-stop every time we go out... but he's only obnoxious with my friends, not his - I am pretty sure he feels insecure... he's the kind of guy that prefers dive bars over quiet(er) dinner parties that my friends like to have. However, when we're home, he doesn't drink that much - maybe one beer or a glass of wine and that's it. I know him very well, and sometimes it feels like he is really insecure about himself, and wants to impress me, and that's what makes him drink. He is by nature contrary, and often says that I drive him to, when we're out and I tell him he should stop.

He has two DUIs. His conviction obligates him to go to AA meetings, he has to do jail time (96 hours), and he has to do community service. Our relationship started out in the worst way - long-distance and complicated - and he blames the downfall of his life on us... he got laid off, failed the MCATs. I was going through a rough time in my life (a divorce) when we first start dating after being friends for years, and he was there for me long-distance, but in that period his life suffered and he now resents me more than a little for it.

All this said, I love this man with all my heart. I know how intelligent he is, how capable of achievements (we both met in grad school while working towards our doctorates) he is, and I know above all that despite the crusty exterior, he would give the shirt off his back for a friend if he was asked to. I also knows he loves me... I won't go into it, but his actions when he's not drunk are mostly kind and caring. He's a fiercely independent person, and is extremely selfish at times... but he's a decent, good human being who would never intentionally hurt someone.

I am beginning to lose respect for myself, both because I want to stay with him, and because I can't bring myself to leave. He might ruin my life, but I keep telling myself things will get better. We both made sacrifices for the sake of this relationship, and while things haven't worked out for us professionally, I'm willing to overlook things and work for it... he doesn't have as much faith as I do. I know if I told him that I made the biggest mistake of my life with him, he would agree (he thinks his life has hit rock-bottom) and tell me I should find someone that can make me happy. Has anyone else had a similar experience? What do you do when you have burned bridges, made personal sacrifices, and go out of your way for someone only to be constantly reminded that they are too self-involved/ beat-down with their own issues to realize your devotion to them? Please help. My insides hurt, and the pain is taking my breath away.

Thank you for your input.

How can I salvage a friendship when I can't be around her boyfriend?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:09:48 -0800

How do I salvage a friendship in an awkward situation? I live in a house with many people. One of our former housemates, my friend, let's call her P, came back to visit with her boyfriend, who she now lives with in another country.

While they were here, P's boyfriend did something that really upset another person living here, call her M. Without going into too many details, M has some mental health struggles that have made her difficult to live with. The boyfriend, while drunk, confronted M about how she has been really difficult, and he really violated her boundaries. Because M is struggling with issues from past trauma, she freaked out.

M's reaction might not be how another person would have reacted, but the boyfriend acknowledged that he crossed the line. He has done other things to make people uncomfortable in the past, always while drunk.

Because of this, mostly at my urging because I feared that I could not trust P's boyfriend when he drinks, which is often, we decided that P's boyfriend should not be allowed in our house again. M no longer lives here, she is elsewhere sorting herself out.

We communicated to P's boyfriend in an email that I did not write. I meant to write to P at the same time and tell her that this isn't about her and I still value her friendship. But because my work was so hectic this week I forgot to do that.

Now P has written an email to all of us in the house, and it's clear she's upset. I feel bad because I don't think I did a good job as her friend communicating with her.

So what do I do now to make amends and try to salvage my friendship with P, especially given that if they ever come to visit again, her boyfriend can't stay here? Even if it's not possible for her to want to be my friend in this situation, I want to do my best to be kind to her and make her feel welcome.

She's falling off the wagon. What now?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:49:47 -0800

I fear my sister is falling off the wagon in her ongoing struggle with alcoholism. Is there anything I can do to stop this slide? Challenge: 500 miles away. My sister is in her late 20's and, since college, has struggled with alcoholism, including but not limited to frequent blackouts and run-ins with the law following binges. We (the family) thought she had hit rock bottom this summer, when, at the end of a binge, she got into a car accident and was not sure whether she had been sexually assaulted. She said she wanted help then, promised she would stop drinking, and started going to AA meetings.

When drinking, she seems to exhibit what I understand to be the fairly common (alcoholic) tendency that she can never "just have one". That one leads to many, which leads to blacking out.

Today, her boyfriend posted to his Facebook page pictures of my sister a few weeks ago. In one picture (clearly from the big game a week-and-a-half ago), she is holding a can of beer. In another, she looks quite flushed.

I spoke to our mother earlier, and learned that my sister is no longer attending AA meetings because the people there are "not like her" and "have different kinds of problems". My sister also has apparently offered that in social situations, she feels awkward saying no to her friends when they keep on offering her a drink, so she says she accepts the drink and just holds it. In previous years, she's lied so much about her drinking that I just don't find this explanation to be credible.

What can I do to support my sister? My particular challenge is that I'm over 500 miles away from her (we work in different cities).

Broke and Drunk in Montreal. Help.

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:00:20 -0800

Broke and Drunk in Montreal. Help. Things are rough. My lifelong romance with booze has really gone sour. After a few feeble attempts at getting my act together, I’ve decided I really need help.

Problem is, I’m not sure where to turn. Everything I’ve learned about AA sounds really repulsive, and the prospect of talking to a shrink makes me want to barf. I know that being sort of a misanthrope is part and parcel with my alcoholism, but everything I’ve seen or learned of the experience of getting sober makes my stomach churn, both literally and figuratively.

Drinking is basically destroying me. Booze has infiltrated and poisoned every facet of my life: friends, family, finances, and my relationship with my girlfriend. I haven’t been to a doctor in about a decade, but I’m sure at this point my liver is looking like a decomposed squirrel. I used to think of myself as somewhat bright, but I’m seriously starting to feel that drinking heavily since I was about seventeen (I’m now thirty-four, yikes) has turned my brain to mush.

Also: I’m broke. I just moved to Montreal for grad school, and as you can imagine being a mostly-unemployed student and aspiring writer with massive debts—along with the expenses of a daily drinking habit—does not leave much money or leisure time left to check into a posh rehab facility. Actually, it leaves zero. As you can imagine, the combination of being a wasted lush and being monetarily fucked is not so good for an already crushed ego, leaving one longing for the temporary relief provided by drinking.

The positive side of it is that my girlfriend and closest friends are pretty supportive and understanding, but I know they’re losing patience as I continually fail to clean up my act. I’ve made an appointment to meet with a counselor through university, but that’s weeks away and I’m feeling pretty distraught. I’ve never been to therapy or anything like that before, and even calling to make that appointment drove me to tears.

What can I do? Can I get help that actually helps and doesn’t make me even more cynical and depressed? Is there a program that actually works and is accessible to a poor-ass schmoe like me? To be somewhat coarse: is there an AA for cool people? I’d love to hear anyone’s experiences of addiction treatment that actually inspires me to think positively and not wallow in self-pity. And to try and actually enjoy quitting drinking, rather than feeling like I’m being punished. Or is that completely the wrong attitude to take? But please: no lectures or platitudes. Real, concrete advice. Thanks.

I want to want to stop drinking. And I sort of do. But I don't.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 19:57:43 -0800

How can I make myself actually *want* to stop drinking, rather than just intellectually *know* that I should, then feel guilty for not even trying? How can I motivate myself to keep attempting to quit? I am a 26yo female who has been drinking for around 10 years. During this time I would estimate that I have been quite drunk around once or twice per week, on average (so maybe 10 drinks). I don't drink daily by any means, but the longest I've ever gone without drinking is probably a month or two - and that's only happened maybe twice. Sometimes I'll just have one or two but I mainly get very drunk. I'm guessing this is considered to be heavy use, although many of my friends probably have similar levels.

Over this time I have gained a reputation as a bit of a party girl / loudmouth which, oddly enough, used to be a source of pride... but increasingly is a source of shame. As my peers mature I am stuck in silly adolescent behaviour and am more aware of how selfish and attention-grabbing I am when drinking.. and sometimes sober I suppose. The line between the drunk me and what I think of as The Real Me is now almost completely blurred. Now, the mornings after, I have very strong 'emotional hangovers' with a cringeing regret about whatever I did last night. I have little idea these days about whether this shame has any basis in reality, but it doesn't really matter, because I feel so guilty in general for continuing to drink. This horrible feeling of being out of control, not myself, is the major reason I would like to stop (I have also habitually done many stupid and dangerous things while drinking, such as driving, random drugs, chain smoking and unsafe sex. My professional network is also quite small in this city and becoming increasingly aware of how drunk I get.)

I have been to AA (and decided, unequivocally, that it's not for me), various therapists, tried naltrexone for a couple of months with varying success, and I've read and tried to research almost everything I can find on addiction. I've sought out non-AA support groups but they are not available in my small city. I'm currently in therapy one hour per week (I've had about 5 sessions so far), which is helpful insofar as I am expressing my feelings about minor family dysfunctions (nothing terrible, just your average childhood really); dropping out of grad school; my relationship/s; my drinking behaviour; my identity; my run-of-the-mill graduate career crises etc. I'm not depressed, I'm in reasonably decent health (I hope) for someone who puts so much poison into her body on a regular basis, and most things in life are, on the balance, objectively pretty good.

Yet I STILL feel this compelling drive to get drunk at least once per week, always followed by a day or more of sickness, apathy and depression. It's getting to the point where I am extremely concerned about the effects on my health and wellbeing, on my reputation, my mental health and of course on the people around me. The thought that this could go on for another 10 years is utterly terrifying.

But it's that old conundrum - am I unhappy because I drink, or do I drink because I'm unhappy? After all this time, I just don't feel any closer to quitting drinking. It's like some part of me just doesn't even consider stopping. I can't seem to make a decision and stick to it (even as I say that, I realise it's just my own self-defeating voice speaking, yet from my experience, it seems so true.)

So my question is NOT a general, what should I do about my drinking, or, is it a problem. I feel like I am pretty familiar with the answers to those questions already.
What I want to know is, how do I make myself WANT to stop, to want to try? How do I differentiate this attempt from numerous others, whereby I actually believe it is possible? How can I best help myself? Is there something specific I could be asking my therapist, my boyfriend or my family to do to help me? What are the ingredients of a successful change to sobriety? (Please no Big Book quotes!)

Thank you all so much for any advice you can give - I am desperate to hear anything new on what, for me, has become a very old and tired theme.

Keeping the morning promise in the evening

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:30:19 -0800

For those who have successfully changed their lives from a decade or more of work plus drink minus friends: Apart from meetings and therapy, what did you do to keep from drinking? What did you do with your evenings instead of drinking? Emphasis on the early days of sobriety appreciated.

Book suggestion for girlfriend of longtime alcoholic?

Household Tipster — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:46:25 -0800

Can you suggest a great book to help the girlfriend of an alcoholic who recently relapsed after 2.5 years sober? My boyfriend had been through the mill with alcoholism--years of denial, then his wife leaving him over the drinking, him drinking himself into homeless-style dysfunction with many ins and outs of rehab and detox and AA for three straight years, and then finally picking himself up, going to rehab and committing to AA. He was sober for 2.5 years, and recently relapsed. (He's been drinking on and off for the past three months, currently clean, but obviously i'm nervous enough to be posting.)

I'm really looking for a book that can tell me how I can help him, and also really address later-stage alcoholism. I've found "Marriage on the Rocks", "Codependent No More" and the Al-Non book, but both seem to lean toward helping women get out of denial and living in their husband's shadow, dealing with earlier stage alcoholics (he's very, very clear that's he's an alcoholic and that this could kill him--denial is not the problem on either of our parts), and relationships that are heavily codependent. Not to say that we're perfect, but given the circumstances, we treat each other pretty damn well (no violence, little resentment, i'm relatively good at detaching when he's drunk, etc etc).

So I'm looking for a book that's less self-help for me, and more information-oriented and just plain helpful. Suggestions?

I drink 12 beers a week, am I an alcoholic?

Anonymous — Sun, 31 May 2009 08:43:09 -0800

I drink 12 beers a week, am I an alcoholic? Between 18 and approx. 25/26 y.o. I used to drink a lot. I was going through college and as the city where I lived didn't have much to do, we used to go to sports bars, chat and drink. My average consumption at the time was 20 to 24 beers (cans) per weekend. When I finished college and moved out, my consumption was cut by half, and has remained stable ever since.

Sometimes, like everybody, I go a little over the limit in parties or gatherings with friends, but I usually have 6 beers on Friday night and six on Saturday. I don't drink on Sundays, nor mix different kinds of drinks, and avoid drinking that much if I am not at home. Speaking of which, I stay at home quite a lot during weekends, so I basically drink alone while surfing the web, watching videos and listening to music.

I have recently gone back to the city where I went through college and found out my friends still drink like and Oldsmobile, and I could not keep up. Watching them drink raised the question in my head about I was too drinking in excess, so I checked by average consumption and came to 12/week, and very rarely (once a month) drinking on weekdays.

Am I following a dangerous drinking pattern? What are the odds of my becoming an alcoholic? (a friend once joked I had many of the typical characteristics: drinking alone, without eating much, recovering fast, etc.)

Background: I do have family history of alcoholism. My mother drinks about 3 to 4 beers a day, my father 1 Jack-and-coke a day. My uncles on the mother's side are alcoholics

Please help me help my uncle

Anonymous — Wed, 27 May 2009 10:37:08 -0800

Please help me help my uncle, who is drinking himself to death. I have an uncle in Canada - Alberta, actually - who has had an alcohol problem his entire adult life. Apparently things have taken a turn for the worse, even for him, and his wife and kids are concerned that he could be heading towards severe physical damage if not death.

I have no problem confronting him and performing some sort of intervention, and as there are a number of alcoholics in my family, I know that they can't be helped unless they want help. So I don't need that pointed out to me. I think, based on what his wife tells me, that given the right push from his relatives, he could get some help. What my concern is, is this:

I'm an American, and I don't know what resources apart from AA meetings are available to him in Canada. Are detox centers covered by national health, for example? Any and all information would be very helpful and much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Should I be planning to live past 50 anyway?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 May 2009 12:17:06 -0800

Am I headed towards liver cirrhosis at "normal" alcoholic speed? I'm a male in my early 30's, and I drink daily, with a history of alcoholism in my father's side of the family. Long story short I had a traumatic event ~10 years or so ago and subsequently lost most of my ability to sleep. Therapy didn't help (years of it) and I don't like taking normal medications.

So, to sleep, I drink. I usually eat late in the day anyway given my long work hours, so I usually have one strong mixed drink, but a large one - probably the equivalent of 2-3 regular mixed drinks. I don't really try to drink to be drunk so much as to get the brain to turn off and be sleepy enough that I'll actually sleep.

The habit's pretty regular, and when I don't drink, I sleep very poorly or little at all. Approximately once every year or so I'll take a quarter (3 months) and go on the wagon, pretty much just to see if I can, and I get little and poor sleep and my work performance plummets in those periods.

I know I should get rid of the habit, but let's assume that's not going to happen in the next 5 years. My question is - am I causing long-term damage at the same rate that the average alcoholic does? (Am I an average alcoholic? So far its not affected my work or personal life in any even minor ways that come to mind - I have no SO or dependents.) I almost never get falling-down stupid drunk (once last year, the prior time probably 2 years before that), but my consumption is very regular.

I'm not looking for ideas or encouragement to quit so much as a real idea of the potential health issues I'm setting myself up for, and how much I really need to fear them and react accordingly. I know - YANMD, but I'm still interested in resources you might be able to point me towards or anecdotes from your own life.

my laptop isn't dirty, its thirsty.

yonation — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 09:08:15 -0800

spilled wine on the corner of my laptop, everything works, but there's a small "permanent" stain just on the LCD display! ok, the librarians all told us not to drink near a computer but this was a total accident and just a little got on the "upper right" (ie where the delete key is) of my laptop and a few drops splashed to the lower-right of the display as well. problem is, there's now a permanent stain and i can't seem to get it off.. am i totally fucked or is this something that will work itself over time?

What to do about my alcoholic father?

gman — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 11:20:46 -0800

What to do about my alcoholic father? Alright. Here goes. I very recently had to venture down to Florida to take care of my father who has had a total of 3 or 4 bouts of alcoholism in his life. About a year ago, I had to cut a trip to Colombia short in order to come here and check him into an emergency lock-down detox facility. By the time I got here he had downed 6 - 60s of vodka and 2 - 40s of rum straight from the bottle in like 2.5 weeks. I left him in the care of his enabling girlfriend soon after he was released. As goes the system here, visits to the psychiatrist consisted of, "How many more pills do you want sir?" He was able to stay dry for a few months, but soon turned to wine (what he considered to be the most innocent form of alcohol). I knew nothing of it until very recently. His girlfriend has been completely fuckin' useless as she is afraid to piss him off. Even though I begged her to inform me if he started drinking again, she did not. He is adamant that he'll not go into AA, and because of this, I am left here to babysit 24/7.

What I'd like to know, from people who have had similar experiences, is what I can do to make this whole process easier? He's also gone so far as to ask me not to remove the booze from the house in case guests come over. This is a fairly transparent excuse and there are no bottles in the house that I can find.

The other two times this has come up was during my parents' divorce when I was 13, and when my best friend was killed at my dad's factory when I was 18. Both those times, he claims to have been able to overcome this illness because he felt he had something to live for - his kids. Now that we are all grown up, he sees no reason to care about his life.

He has no hobbies, and due to some unforeseen circumstances, has gone into an early retirement. By that, I mean, he's a workaholic and basically planned to work until the day he died. Yes, his life was turned upside down very suddenly, but he's by no means destitute i.e. money isn't the issue even if his lifestyle won't be as materialistic in the future. I am removing him from the US at the end of the month and taking him (and his girlfriend) home to Toronto with me.

My main question is what I asked above. Thank you in advance.

Quitting drinking: are the withdrawal symptoms I'm having from giving up alcohol, or caffeine?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:35:08 -0800

Quitting drinking: are the withdrawal symptoms I'm having from giving up alcohol, or caffeine? I'm a female in my early 30s, and I've been drinking heavily for the better part of the past 10 years. Up until about 5 years ago, I would go out with friends around 5 nights a week, and drink a lot (enough to be heavily buzzed/drunk). When I moved to a new city, I still kept up the drinking, but not so much with the going out part, since I didn't know anyone in my new city. My drink of choice was always something mixed with cola (rum, usually).

I'd drink most days (6-7 days a week), skipping a day here or there if I had a really bad hangover. On normal days, I'd go through at least half a liter of rum, and a two liter bottle of cola. If I ever tried to go more than one day without drinking, I'd get a splitting headache that Advil couldn't touch.

I had my last drink this past Wednesday, and sure enough, last night (Friday) and today (Saturday), I had a splitting headache that a full night's sleep, advil, and lots of water didn't help (in fact, it just got worse). I took some Advil again this morning, but it didn't help much. This afternoon, while visiting with a friend, I had a cup of coffee, which I rarely drink - perhaps once a month. Before I was done with the small cup, my headache was gone. (And it still is, about 8 hours later.)

I can't help but wonder if the headaches I get when I don't drink are from alcohol or caffeine withdrawal. Apparently, cola has only around 1/6 the amount of caffeine of coffee, but since I was drinking so much cola every day (mixed with the rum), could this have been the real source of my headaches? And if so, why is quitting caffeine physically harder than quitting liquor? As far as I can tell, if the headaches are from caffeine withdrawal, then the only physical side effects from giving up liquor have been positive - restful sleep, more energy, etc.

(I know that drinking like that is Bad For Me, I know I'm still in the super super early steps of dealing with this (today is day 3), and I'm laying the groundwork to start working on the personal issues that I need to, and that alcohol addiction is more than physical, and that I need to be REALLY careful not to be all "wow, this is easier than I thought!!" BUT STILL...caffeine?? Really??)

(If you'd like to share your experiences, I'm at not.a.social.drinker@gmail.com)

How can I tell when it's alcoholism?

reticulatedspline — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:28:07 -0800

How can I tell when it has crossed the line from heavy drinking into alcoholism? (Apologies in advance for the long post)

I've recently begun worrying that my boyfriend is becoming an alcoholic.

In the past, he's had his nightly martini when he got home. While it was pretty much an every day thing, he usually kept it limited to just one drink. He was regularly tipsy, but not regularly drunk.

Over the past few months it's gotten worse. Every night, without fail, the first thing he does when he gets in- even before taking his jacket off- is to fix himself a drink. His drinks are always straight up booze. Either a glass of whiskey or a dry martini. When he finishes that, another follows it, and another, and another. This continues until he passes out on the couch. Over the past month, there have been perhaps one or two nights where he has actually gone to sleep in our bed, rather than falling asleep on the couch. This happens whether or not I'm home. Whenever I come home late, I find him sprawled out on the couch. Two times he's been on the floor.

On the weekends, he usually starts drinking a little after noon, and is out like a light by 4 or 5.

The worst instance was recently when he invited a friend of his over for dinner on a Friday. He got out of work early, at around three, and started drinking as soon as he got home. By the time his friend got there, he was barely coherent. He made it through dinner, but immediately afterward he snuck out of the room and went to sleep on my roommates bed. When I found him and woke him up, he came back in for a few minutes before sneaking out again to fall asleep in our bed. I woke him again, and a few minutes later he went into the bathroom to throw up, and afterward went to sleep in the bath tub. His friend eventually got embarrassed and left, with my profuse apologies.

There have been a *lot* of other lesser incidents. Throwing up, drunken shouting matches, that sort of thing. Nothing violent and no medical emergencies, just a constant state of sloppiness whenever he is home.

He is still keeping up his professional obligations. I'm sure he isn't drinking at or before work, as he is always sober (briefly) when he gets home. His life isn't visibly suffering because of his drinking, so it doesn't seem like it has quite crossed the threshhold of becoming a really serious problem. Our relationship is suffering, though, mostly because I rarely get to see him sober anymore.

As far as I know, I'm the only one who really has been majorly impacted by this. My roommates joke about how he's such a lush, but they haven't voiced any serious concerns about it to me, even when I've asked them about it. If we were to have the traditional intervention, wherein everyone takes turns explaining how his drinking has negatively impacted their lives, I think I'd do most of the talking.

I've brought it up with him very non-judgmentally several times, and it always makes him angry. He says that he isn't doing anything wrong, and that I'm just trying to make him feel bad (to "shame him" as he puts it). If I push the issue and raise specific instances where his drinking has caused problems, he gets angry and we start fighting.

So does this count as alcoholism? Am I needlessly worrying about this? My father was an alcoholic until I was 13. I'm not sure whether this means I'm ignoring something which is quite obviously a problem, out of desire to not have another alcoholic in my life, or if it means I'm imagining a problem where there isn't one.

If it isn't yet alcoholism, but is simply heading in that direction, what can I do to keep it from getting to that point?

If it is alcoholism, what should I do?

How can I help my fiance?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:19:46 -0800

My fiance is contemplating quitting her Ph.D. program and refuses to either address her problems with her advisor, seek counseling, seek the help of friends, or discuss the issue with me. She prefers instead to drink wine and watch crime shows. She knows that she does not take criticism or advice well, and she knows she's being immature and needs help, so what can I do? This will be somewhat long.

My fiance is 31, I am 28. She got accepted into the Ph.D. program of her choice last fall and, after getting engaged over the summer, we both moved to this remote but large university town to begin her program. She already had her masters degree in her field, but very few of her classes transferred. Her thesis did not transfer. She has already taught university classes in her field - when we met she was teaching a full course load at a branch campus of a big university - but now that she's in the program she has to work to get her masters like the other first years, and so there is a bit of a chip on her shoulder in that she thinks she should be treated as being a bit more advanced.

Her biggest problem is that she and her advisor are always bumping heads. She complains that her advisor refuses to read her research ideas and so whenever they have meetings they get into the same argument which goes:

-I don't understand what you're trying to do here.
-I'm trying to do X.
-Well, maybe you should write that out and hand it to me at the next meeting.

It drives my fiance crazy because she claims she HAD written X out, and keeps writing it out, but her advisor simply won't process the material. What's frustrating to me is that my fiance won't simply address her advisor and say, "Actually, I wrote that in my first proposal, see, right here, line 8..." Because even though she despises her advisor she also feels like her advisor is busy, insecure, and would get angry with any hint of criticism. My fiance does not handle conflict or disagreement well, and so has a habit of avoiding uncomfortable discussions if possible. She has consistently felt like her only options are to continue on miserably or to drop out. The other two options, get a new advisor or reasonably discuss her issues with her current advisor, are things she doesn't want to or will not consider.

Part of this is certainly the advisor's fault - she has a reputation for driving nearly all of her students either out of the program or to different advisors. Her retention rate is something like 1 out of the last 5 students.

However, my fiance could also be a bit more proactive, I think, and a bit more mature in how she handles the relationship. For example, today there was a group meeting in which she presented her materials - it got heated, her advisor asked the same X question, and so my fiance started crying and hid in the bathroom for 15 minutes. Eventually the advisor came in and started talking to her, trying to clarify what she meant and trying to smooth over what happened, while my fiance told her to just go away and that she couldn't talk about it anymore. I understand that she is in a lot of stress but obviously there are better ways to handle this situation. To me, it is troubling that a 31 year old pre-professional would act like this in front of a person who is essentially her boss. However, I understand that I don't know what it's like to be in that environment and dealing with the stress that she's going through.

Today was not a one-off either; occasionally she has episodes like this, where she just completely breaks down and disengages with the people she's dealing with - one example is that she simply cannot talk to customer relations people on the phone without getting incredibly angry, crying, and throwing things. Then she'll hang up, look at me, be like, "what the fuck is wrong with me?" and tell me that she knows she needs help. The problem is that she has health insurance through the university and all help she can get will be with people associated with the university and, worse, within her program. We don't have enough money for her to go to a professional outside of her health insurance. She is, I should mention, on anti-depressants and if she goes off them for more than three days she will completely break down because she thinks everyone is judging her all the time.

She also has a drinking problem. On occasion, she acknowledges she has a drinking problem. It's not always an issue, i.e., she doesn't drink every night and in fact she can go a week without drinking, but as soon as a problem flares up she hits the wine and can easily down two bottles in one night. This is how she deals with things. She drinks and watches CSI with the cat, while I got the Y or read or mess around on the computer. When she gets really good and sauced she'll try to pick a fight with me, talk about how awful her childhood was, and tell me that I don't love her enough and that I don't appreciate her. It's hard to discuss this stuff with her at a later time because she doesn't really remember it the next morning, and if she does, she's very apologetic and acknowledges that she needs to get help. I drink but I very rarely get drunk and when I do I'm a very happy drunk. I've never been around angry drunks before and when she drinks I get a lot of anxiety because I'm watching her drink, hoping she doesn't get too drunk and become Angry Fiance.

She has friends who have gone through other Ph.D. programs and she has friends within her Ph.D. program. She doesn't want to talk to them. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to talk to anybody. She doesn't talk to her family. There's no valve.

I feel like she needs help but I can't be the one to get her to go. She has to make that decision. I love her and she can be the sweetest, funniest, most charming person in the world. But she has a dark side, and it is seriously jeopardizing her success in her program. I also sort of selfishly want her to continue on here because I quit a comfortable job to move with her, at her insistence, and I feel like she owes me more of a fight than this. I have not verbalized this to her, because I know it's quite selfish and would just add more guilt to the fire that is her sort of eternal self-doubt, but really, I feel like I made a sacrifice to come here and that she can do more to try to make this work. At some point, of course, if all options have been exhausted, I would be willing to move again to make something else work.

Have any of you been in my position or the position of my fiance? Perhaps I am being overly critical and she does not need help, she just needs my support. Fair enough. But it is very frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who won't talk about these issues. I like making plans, talking through problems, trying to set goals, etc. She thinks making plans only leads to disappointment when you don't achieve your goals.

Ultimately, she acknowledges that she needs therapy, and often mentions that therapy helped her in the past - she just will not do anything about it now. She simply wants to ignore the problem and drink wine. I really don't know what to do. Please help.

Can you "help" an alcoholic friend?

uxo — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 15:30:10 -0800

How do I help a friend who is an alcoholic? I've made friends with someone over the year who has some serious alcohol and alcohol-related issues. (Drinks a lot every night, depression, got fired from last job because of it, DUIs, etc.)

I really like this person--there are many wonderful things about her. It is very clear that she wishes to continue drinking, and doesn't see it as a problem if you ask her about it.

Do you have any words of wisdom or any experiences you could share with me? Either as a friend of an alcoholic or as someone who is a recovering one? Just stay out of her way and let life take its course? Recommend therapy for her? Just chill, and avoid ever talking about it? I'm hesitant to ever bring up the issue with her because I foresee it will just result in an argument: I will sound judgmental and she will sound defensive.

Days of Wine and Roses Redux?

n'muakolo — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 09:41:14 -0800

I think my sister and her boyfriend have a drinking problem. How can we help? My sister (28) and her boyfriend (31) are what I consider to be heavy social drinkers and my family is concerned.

It's a bit hard for me to judge because I don't live in the same city, but they tell anecdotes that lead me to believe that they have a drinking problem. Here's what I know: I'm not sure what, if anything, they drink on the weeknights, but for all I know it could be a lot. On weekends I think they regularly get completely drunk. I've very rarely actually seen them wasted, but I have definitely seen them tipsy. The do a lot of shots on weekend nights, and put away a lot of beer. (My sister, who weighs about 100 pounds, says she can easily drink 12 beers a night.) Recently they came to visit me and got in a big fight where he stormed off and eventually made it back to our house. My sister said he 'always' does this, and he's driven drunk the wrong way on a major highway in our home city, and he's driven drunk more than once, and that his friends - college friends, who drink a lot themselves - think it's fun to make him "confused." I was pretty shocked to hear all that - until then I would have said they drink a lot but definitely can handle their booze. They are both in fabulous shape - they work out a lot, and are generally just blessed with great physiques and great looks - and so there's zero indication from looking at them that they drink this heavily. Basically, I think they drink like irresponsible college students, except they're not in college anymore and I don't see any trigger that will make them stop drinking like this unless someone intervenes. They have a lot of friends, and they all seem to drink to excess. They're very into sports and drink heavily when watching baseball, football, etc. They do have a puppy and they are absolutely fantastic with him - they take him for 3-4 very long walks a day, discipline him well, etc. (I say this because I think maybe a baby would be that trigger - but that's a few years away and maybe it wouldn't help at all.) They are both quite successful at work. They've been together about 3 years and my family loves him (and her, obviously) very much.

I'm worried about their current safety, their health, and their futures. My whole family drinks quite a bit, but not like this. His siblings drink heavily but his parents are teetotalers. We're afraid their story is going to be the Days of Wine and Roses story, if they don't stop or change the way they drink. They - especially he - are very likeable, friendly people. We have a great relationship with them. They like to tell us anecdotes about their drinking. They think it's a bonding exercise to play cards with me and my parents and do shots when we screw up. My sister has been a bit distant with me and my parents until she started dating him - he's very pro-family and he's the reason we now spend a lot of time with them both. We're worried (1) that if we bring this up it's only going to drive them away; (2) it's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black because we're all social drinkers (but not at all like this); (3) we're not sure they need AA or the like, but we do think they need to seriously cut back on their drinking.

I know you can't tell me what to do, but what do we do?!

I don't want Dad to be a drunk!

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:48:55 -0800

How do I deal with a parent who seems to be developing a problem with drugs/alcohol BEFORE we end up on "Intervention"? Long story inside. My dad has struggled with anxiety/depression for as long as I can remember (he apparently attempted suicide sometime before I was born), but recently he's going into a complete tail spin like I've never seen before. I think he's developing a serious problem with drugs and alcohol (he is prescribed klonopin for anxiety but I think he's abusing it) and I want to help him. My sister is also in recovery and agrees with me, but we're not totally sure what to do. We have noticed him being drunk and high over the course of the last week, so it seems to have all developed very quickly.

Aside from his existing problems with depression, the source of his current despair is pretty easy to pinpoint. My sister is currently involved in a messy custody battle with her (abusive, violent, general bastard) ex-husband. About two weeks after the last court date, my father was arrested. Apparently, the ex was accusing him of assaulting the ex-husband with an axe (yeah, seriously) and now my dad has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill. For the record, this never happened and is ridiculously untrue. Now my father isn't allowed near my sister's son, and has moved into a hotel about 20 minutes from our family home (where my sister, her son, and my mom live). He used to work out of state as a nurse, but since being charged, he can't leave the state and lost his job. My mom also works out of state until the end of December (at the same job he used to have) so she is only home 3-4 days a week and she stays at the house so my sister doesn't have to be alone with her son (my sister is still afraid of her husband and doesn't like to be alone much). So Dad basically sits in his hotel room, drinking and using, puttering around. He's told my sister and I both seperately that he feels suicidal, and wants to die and feels hopeless. I don't know if he's said the same to my mom. He's also confessed to my sister that he's been gambling a little online "to relax" and that he hid it from Mom so she wouldn't be upset. The one time I've visited him at the hotel, the place was a wreck and I think he'd pooped in the bathtub since it reeked of feces. This is a sad, pathetic state for a daughter to see her father in...and I don't know how to react.

Obviously, being charged with something so serious based on some dickweed's lie is going to make anyone feel despair, and the longer it drags on, the more hopeless my dad feels. I truly, truly empathize with him, but this is not the way to handle it. I'm so angry with him, and resent him for neglecting his responsibilities. I also struggle with depression (in treatment for it and on antidepressants) and I have been suicidal (as recently as 2 weeks ago) but I don't get to get high and drink and ignore the world. I get yelled at when I do that. In a weird way, I'm almost jealous.

The living situation is, in my opinion, a HUGE part of the problem. My father and I are similar in that, when we're alone, we dwell on negative things and work ourselves up into a frenzy until we're going crazy. Being alone in a hotel room all the time isn't his fault, and not helping. I suggested to my sister that we find a three-bedroom place together elsewhere in the city so Mom and Dad can live at the family home, and then we'll take care of my sister's fears of being by herself and my parents can go back to a slightly more normal married life. I haven't brought it up to my family, but I also want to live back at home because I'm intensely lonely and depressed in my current city, two hours away. So the move would be beneficial for me too.

I know I need to put the anger and resentment aside, but once I do that...now what? I feel helpless, like a drain on my family's dwindling resources (my sister's divorce has cost us close to $80k so far), and like I want my parents to be here for me in my struggles and not the other way around. I'm worried he's suicidal, I'm worried he's abusing his prescription, I'm worried he'll lose his job permanently (he's in the medical field and I'm pretty sure abusing prescription drugs is no bueno for that). Can/should I have him committed as a danger to himself? Ignore it? Tell him all the stuff I put here and hope he wakes up and stops?

FWIW, some background info: Mom and Dad are married, both in their early 50s. My sister is 24 (her son is 2 1/2) and I'm 22 female. We are both students, taking next semester off to work and make some money for the family. I also have an older brother who lives in the same city but he and his wife just had a baby (the same day as my father's arrest) and are slightly preoccupied.

Also, I am not involved in the legal situation at all. He and my sister are both lawyered up and that will all HOPEFULLY work out for the best, the way it should. I'm sorry about the length; some of it is cathartic and some I just feel like I need to fully explain the horrible messiness of it to get good advice. :)

What can I expect at my first Al-Anon meeting?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:54:33 -0800

What can I expect at my first Al-Anon meeting? I'm gearing up to go to an Al-Anon meeting, and I always feel better going into emotionally stressful situations if I have some idea what to expect.

I guess it's entirely possible that these things vary so much from group to group that maybe no one can tell me what to expect. But any input from someone who's been there would really be helpful. What is a meeting going to be like? Will I be expected to do/say anything as the newcomer? Is anyone going to ask or care about me being completely non-religious, or can I sit around and quietly interpret any "higher power" references in my own non-religious fashion?

If it helps anyone to answer, I am concerned about a long-term partner's drinking, and will be attending a general meeting, not one specifically geared to newcomers. I am not at all convinced that Al-Anon is something I would want to be part of, but it seems like something I ought to at least try.

How to keep a recovering alcoholic occupied?

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 10:11:21 -0800

How to keep a recovering alcoholic (going through his quarter-life crisis) occupied? My boyfriend made the decision several months ago to stop drinking. He'll go for weeks without wanting a drink until he gets bored. Once the boredom sets in, he'll get frustrated and depressed. He'll start talking about how pointless life is and drink until he can't think straight anymore.

We live in Iowa, so there isn't enough creative stimulation to keep him happy. We're planning on moving, but until we get to that point, he needs several different hobbies to keep himself occupied.

For a while, he was writing every day. This was what stopped his drinking initially. He would get off work and immediately start writing all his thoughts and ideas. He would write well into the night, every night. During this time he started drawing and sketched out some ideas for a graphic novel. Both of these projects ended after about a month or two.

I bought him the Orange Box for PC, and he filled his evenings with Team Fortress 2 for about a month. His latest hobby has been World of Warcraft, but I can feel it's pull starting to wear away.

He's always been into standup comedy and has recently been looking to that as a creative outlet. He also plays guitar, but can't find like-minded musicians in this area.

I believe he's going through his "quarter-life crisis." Just years ago he was touring Europe with his old band, feeling on top of the world. Then he crashed, his life feel apart, and I met him as he was trying to pick up the pieces. He has come so far, and I know he's really happy with his progress, he just can't seem to find anything that keeps him happy in the long run. Once it hits him that he hasn't gone as far as he was hoping, or that he's not "good enough" at a particular hobby, he gets depressed and drinks.

He's not the kind of person to read a self-help books, so I'm just looking for more ideas to keep him busy. He'd prefer to have a group of intellectually stimulating people to surround himself with, to bounce ideas off, to work on creative projects with. Any ideas on where to find something like that, or get a group started, in Iowa? He's open to any ideas for new projects or hobbies. He really wants to keep away from drinking and being in the state of mind it brings, but once he gets bored it's inevitable.

What do recovering alcoholics do when they get the urge to go out to the bar? How do you find creative stimulation in the middle of nowhere? What's a good hobby that takes up a significant amount of time and is still rewarding in the end?

How do I get short-term disability without losing my job?

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:34:11 -0800

I need extended rehab for alcohol. How do I approach HR without losing my job? I have been in about 6 rehabs and my sobriety would last for a short time the longest stretch without any alcohol has been about 3 months. My doctor and I both think that more than detox and intensive out-patient is needed. We do agree that detox is needed, but what I really need is a 28 day or more program.

Now, I have been at my job for about 7 months. I really, really love my job. It is probably the best place for me to be. But my addiction is affecting my work. I am well liked and generally do a good job but as I have said, my work is being affected.

We have the luxury of unlimited sick days but after 5 days you need a note from my doctor that puts me on disability and my employer offers Short-Term Disability for up to 90 days.

So I don't know if I need to be out for 5 days and then have my doc write me a note, or does my doc write me a note?

I have already started the ball rolling on getting into detox by talking to my insurance company, and am trying to find a longer care facility.

Please help. I am really serious about getting better and I think I have the perfect opportunity to get the help I need.

Thanks

Post-sobriety drinking success stories

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 22:28:25 -0800

Are there any stories of recovering/recovered alcoholics (with more than a few years sobriety) returning to drinking without serious consequences? I'm looking for post-sobriety 'success' stories. I've heard many, many stories of relapse and failure, spent years in AA rooms, worked the steps, etc. But I also know that the alcoholics that stick with the 12 Steps program are a bunch with an enormous selection bias, that the accounts of returning relapsers are accounts supplied by those who returned to find their addiction has been waiting for them, 'doing push-ups.' I'm also aware there's a small, but growing, AA-skeptics movement, mostly concerned with the AA insistence on a higher power, but at least partly worried about the unsubstantiated 'disease' model of alcoholism.

I haven't heard any serious challenges to these claims, and that's a little too one-sided for me. I know people who think the moon landing was faked, but even they'll agree: 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.' What I'm interested in are anecdotes, biographies, livejournals, groups, clinical studies, neurological evidence, and any other form of expertise that truthfully attest to three things:

1. Full-blown, addictive relationships to alcohol
2. Long-term sobriety with meaningful 'spiritual' growth or psychological maturation
3. A return to moderate drinking without 'slips' or binges

alcohol withdrawal?

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 09:44:03 -0800

Quitting drinking--should I worry about withdrawal symptoms? I think I'm finally ready to get sober. I presently start drinking in the morning, consume between a pint and a pint and a half of vodka over the course of the day, and anywhere from 3-12 beers at night, on average. Should I worry about DT's, etc, if I were to just quit cold turkey? I know you are not my doctor; anecdotal experience and tips for tapering are welcome.

(note/background: I've been fucked up almost every day for twelve years. A couple years ago I went to detox/rehab for heroin/crack/benzo dependency. I'm clean still, but obviously not sober. I know I really have to want it, and I'm aware of various treatment/recovery options. I've been in Those Rooms and will probably be back in them.)

throwaway: alcoholwithdrawalsymptoms@gmail.com