Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with alcoholic

It's the least wonderful time of the year

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:43:51 -0800

How to handle an abusive, alcoholic family for Christmas - now and in years to come? I am 25 years old, and have managed to (mostly) escape my emotionally abusive, alcoholic family. I only go home once a year...and that's for Christmas. Needless to say, this is my least favorite time of the year, and I'm freaking out about heading home in a few weeks.

I don't have many friends in my hometown anymore, and my family doesn't really venture outside the house. Basically, each Christmas is three or four days of drinking, screaming, weeping, cursing, falling over, and general angst.

Although I hope to eventually not go home for Christmas, right now it's just not an option. What I'm looking for are some good coping strategies to deal with holidays at home. How can I reduce my stress and fill the endless hours? How do I prevent myself from getting hurt when situations like the following happen?

- my grandmother gets too drunk to stand before dinner even starts
- my father screams at my mother to go lay down because nobody wants to look at her anymore and she's an embarrassment to her children
- my mother hides weeping in the basement and when I go to find her, she begs me to "throw her in rehab" if she ever gets as bad as my grandmother

(This was all last Christmas, by the way.)

Things I've done in years past include watching a lot of TV, playing on the internet all day, and altering my sleep schedule to limit the amount of hours my family and I are mutually awake.

One note - I don't drink during the holidays, because I see what it does to my family, and I also have an intense fear of losing control around them and bringing their wrath onto me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know this probably doesn't sound too terribly bad, but it hurts me a lot every single year and I would love to learn how to make it hurt less. Throwaway email is drunksmas@gmail.com.

She's falling off the wagon. What now?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:49:47 -0800

I fear my sister is falling off the wagon in her ongoing struggle with alcoholism. Is there anything I can do to stop this slide? Challenge: 500 miles away. My sister is in her late 20's and, since college, has struggled with alcoholism, including but not limited to frequent blackouts and run-ins with the law following binges. We (the family) thought she had hit rock bottom this summer, when, at the end of a binge, she got into a car accident and was not sure whether she had been sexually assaulted. She said she wanted help then, promised she would stop drinking, and started going to AA meetings.

When drinking, she seems to exhibit what I understand to be the fairly common (alcoholic) tendency that she can never "just have one". That one leads to many, which leads to blacking out.

Today, her boyfriend posted to his Facebook page pictures of my sister a few weeks ago. In one picture (clearly from the big game a week-and-a-half ago), she is holding a can of beer. In another, she looks quite flushed.

I spoke to our mother earlier, and learned that my sister is no longer attending AA meetings because the people there are "not like her" and "have different kinds of problems". My sister also has apparently offered that in social situations, she feels awkward saying no to her friends when they keep on offering her a drink, so she says she accepts the drink and just holds it. In previous years, she's lied so much about her drinking that I just don't find this explanation to be credible.

What can I do to support my sister? My particular challenge is that I'm over 500 miles away from her (we work in different cities).

drunk dating?

somersault — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 00:09:24 -0800

I am a recently recovering alcoholic. I am casually dating someone who does not know I am a recovering alcoholic. Should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should I end things all together? I am a very recently recovering alcoholic, as in I’m still in outpatient treatment. I’ve also recently started dating this great guy who I’ve known for almost a year now. I would classify our dating relationship as somewhat casual. We talk on the phone every night and see each other once or twice a week.

He knew me when I was drinking but he never saw the points when I hit rock bottom while drunk. I think he might be suspicious I have a drinking problem (as anyone who has seen me come into contact with booze normally is), but has never brought it up.

I am financially stable, employed, intelligent, educated. I am many things. I am also an alcoholic.

He has a normal, healthy attitude about drinking.

He doesn’t know I’ve quit drinking entirely. I’ve told him I’ve decided to take a break from alcohol when we’ve been out.

He has done and said a lot of things that suggest he’d like to become more serious. I’m not going to list them but I’m fairly certain he would like to pursue things further.

We’ve slept together. We’ve had great sober sex. But we once had sex during a relapse of mine. I was black out drunk. In order to explain why I do not think he was sleazy is because of two points. Number one being that we had sober sex several times before that. He was also not present when I consumed alcohol (I was with other people). Number two is that when I’m blacked out, I’m fully functional. There have been many times I’ve walked around, carried conversations, purchased items, etc., without people realizing the point of my intoxication.

I like him a lot. I hate what I’m doing. I want to tell him that I’m an alcoholic but I’m afraid. Obviously I have to tell him, right? Or do you think I should just cease all contact without explanation (spare us the pain, humiliation, and awkwardness that a confession would bring)? If I tell him, how detailed should I be? Obviously I’m not going to give him my first step, but would a succinct “by the way..” be enough?

I know Alcoholics Anonymous strongly suggests not dating anyone while in recovery, but part of me thinks that this could be healthy if we maintain a casual dating relationship. I know I can’t continue to do this to him. It isn’t fair. Should I tell him and then end things before things get messy? What should I do in this already mess of a situation in order to treat him kindly, fairly?

I’d like some objective advice about what I should do. Thank you.

As a side note, I am posting this anonymously for a friend who posts on MetaFilter. I don't have any professional or personal ties to this username whereas she does.

How does a working drunk get sober?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:07:06 -0800

Looking for info regarding employer disability laws relating to alcohol rehab in state of Conneticut. I fully understand you're not my lawyer.

Can an alcoholic go into rehab in Connecticut and receive disability pay? Are alcoholics protected under disability laws? To what extent? Can anyone recommend steps for managers or supervisors who are aware that a good employee (one they like and do not want to fire) is an alcoholic?

What are the laws to be aware of? What are the constraints of employers?

Anyone have any experience with this they can share?

DrunksMagooATGmail.com for more info.

To be clear, I'm not the alcoholic in question. I'm looking for effective, compassionate ways to handle this from the employer's side, either formally or informally.

I'm Lisa Simpson, and I'm dating Barney Gumble's best friend.

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:54:36 -0800

My boyfriend's best friend from childhood is an exact clone of Barney Gumble (from the Simpsons) in regards to drinking, but fortunately lives out of state. My boyfriend stopped drinking heavily last year, and says he's happier for it. Now "Barney" is coming to spend a week with us, and plans to move to our town/neighborhood in the fall. How do I deal with this situation, and my anxieties that my lovely boyfriend will revert to his old ways? Background: I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, we moved in together a couple months ago. When we first started going out, his tendency to get wasted every weekend (and some weeknights) made me not take the relationship, or him, very seriously. But when his two drinking buddies moved away last year, he stopped drinking all the time, saving it only for special occasions, and generally just seemed to mature a lot. Our relationship got better and better and we eventually decided to move in together.

Now I've met Barney on numerous occasions, and every time I've met him he's been drunk. When he comes to visit he and the boyfriend always pick up several cases of beer and always drink until they puke, but I let it slide because it's a reunion of sorts, and the visit never lasts more than a few days. My boyfriend himself admits that Barney probably is an alcoholic. To paint a clearer picture:Barney, when I first met him, was urinating on my fence. Then when my boyfriend wasn't looking, he put his hand up my skirt. So I don't have the best impression of this guy, and he's never done much to improve upon it. The scariest part is that I've caught my boyfriend DRIVING drunk when he was with Barney, which is a huge, huge issue for me. My boyfriend is lovely and trustworthy while sober, but makes terrible decisions while drunk-- another reason why I am so happy he hardly ever drinks these days.

Which brings me to my problem: next month Barney and his (sweet but ditzy) girlfriend are coming to our apartment to stay with us for a week. Not something I'm thrilled about, but we are the only people in this city that they know, and Barney and his girlfriend are trying to find jobs here. They plan to move to our neighborhood in the fall. Since my boyfriend is Barney's ONLY social connection here, I just know that Barney is going to be at our apartment, passed out on the couch, every other night. I work long hours and really value my quiet time, and go to bed around 10pm on weeknights. Last time Barney visited he was so loud I had to leave my boyfriend's apartment at 2am on a Wednesday and go to my own apartment to sleep (this is back when we lived separately.)

Most of all I'm worried that my boyfriend will go back to drinking all the time, since he loves Barney and it's the only way Barney knows how to have fun. I don't respect my boyfriend when he's out of control drunk, and I had hoped to never again see drinking play the role in his life that it once did. This is something I could very well see ruining our otherwise awesome relationship.

I communicated all this to my boyfriend and he got very upset, saying that he didn't stop drinking because his buddies moved away, but because he had outgrown it. (Yet in the year since then, whenever Barney shows up, he still gets wasted.) So I can't quite convince myself that he is the model of restraint he pretends to be, and that it wasn't just circumstantial that he stopped drinking because he had no one to drink with.

I feel really helpless in this situation, and have even spoken to friends about staying with them for the week that Barney's here, but I don't know what to do when he MOVES here. I don't want to be a controlling bitch, but I don't want to live with the person my boyfriend becomes when he's drinking all time. Do I say something to Barney? To Barney's girlfriend? If I lay down the law, like saying "no getting wasted in the apartment" how do I know they won't drive home drunk? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Days of Wine and Roses Redux?

n'muakolo — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 09:41:14 -0800

I think my sister and her boyfriend have a drinking problem. How can we help? My sister (28) and her boyfriend (31) are what I consider to be heavy social drinkers and my family is concerned.

It's a bit hard for me to judge because I don't live in the same city, but they tell anecdotes that lead me to believe that they have a drinking problem. Here's what I know: I'm not sure what, if anything, they drink on the weeknights, but for all I know it could be a lot. On weekends I think they regularly get completely drunk. I've very rarely actually seen them wasted, but I have definitely seen them tipsy. The do a lot of shots on weekend nights, and put away a lot of beer. (My sister, who weighs about 100 pounds, says she can easily drink 12 beers a night.) Recently they came to visit me and got in a big fight where he stormed off and eventually made it back to our house. My sister said he 'always' does this, and he's driven drunk the wrong way on a major highway in our home city, and he's driven drunk more than once, and that his friends - college friends, who drink a lot themselves - think it's fun to make him "confused." I was pretty shocked to hear all that - until then I would have said they drink a lot but definitely can handle their booze. They are both in fabulous shape - they work out a lot, and are generally just blessed with great physiques and great looks - and so there's zero indication from looking at them that they drink this heavily. Basically, I think they drink like irresponsible college students, except they're not in college anymore and I don't see any trigger that will make them stop drinking like this unless someone intervenes. They have a lot of friends, and they all seem to drink to excess. They're very into sports and drink heavily when watching baseball, football, etc. They do have a puppy and they are absolutely fantastic with him - they take him for 3-4 very long walks a day, discipline him well, etc. (I say this because I think maybe a baby would be that trigger - but that's a few years away and maybe it wouldn't help at all.) They are both quite successful at work. They've been together about 3 years and my family loves him (and her, obviously) very much.

I'm worried about their current safety, their health, and their futures. My whole family drinks quite a bit, but not like this. His siblings drink heavily but his parents are teetotalers. We're afraid their story is going to be the Days of Wine and Roses story, if they don't stop or change the way they drink. They - especially he - are very likeable, friendly people. We have a great relationship with them. They like to tell us anecdotes about their drinking. They think it's a bonding exercise to play cards with me and my parents and do shots when we screw up. My sister has been a bit distant with me and my parents until she started dating him - he's very pro-family and he's the reason we now spend a lot of time with them both. We're worried (1) that if we bring this up it's only going to drive them away; (2) it's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black because we're all social drinkers (but not at all like this); (3) we're not sure they need AA or the like, but we do think they need to seriously cut back on their drinking.

I know you can't tell me what to do, but what do we do?!

Non-alcoholic guest gift ideas?

Riki tiki — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:42:52 -0800

Non-alcoholic travel-friendly Thanksgiving gift ideas? I'm joining some friends in San Diego for Thanksgiving this year. I know guests are traditionally supposed to bring a gift, and a good bottle of wine is the standard, but both these friends are recovering alcoholics which makes that a no-go.

What would be a good alternative that's:

in around the same price range as good wine,
would be air travel-friendly,
and is non-alcoholic?

I'm more looking for something that would fit a "traditional Thanksgiving" vibe, but I'd be open to something more esoteric if it's really brilliant.

Thanks!

Help me help my friend.

Anonymous — Sat, 03 May 2008 08:13:06 -0800

A friend of mine is headed for self-destruction. How do I help him? I just got back from a party hosted at my friend's apartment. It's a shotgun apartment, so his room is at the back, but his roommate's bedroom is right next to the living room, and holds many people during a party.

Many of the people I hang out with are crazy, although not destructively so. A window in his roommate's bedroom was broken during shenanigans. The person breaking the window offered room, food, and repair costs to the roommate. This is not the issue.

The issue is that my friend had been chafing at the roommate for months, and took the opportunity to get very drunk and punch another window out. With that, he announced that the roommate should leave. I left with a jewelry box owned by the roommate, which was tossed from a balcony. The box is broken, although the contents are fine.

My friend is generally a calm and quiet sort, but when he drinks, he's been displaying very erratic behavior. The weekend before this, he traveled to a college town and drank heavily at a party. He caused enough problems to get the cops called on him; it ends up that someone else was arrested in his stead. Before this, there was a weekend where he was very drunk and got police and the fire department called to a bar he was at. Before that, he just got groups of people after him.

The point here is that he is getting in increasing amounts of trouble, and he is causing trouble for those around him. His roommate deserved none of his actions; rent was paid on time, chores were carried out with regularity, respect was paid in full. His friends, myself included, are starting to have to deal with the trouble he causes when drunk.

There are other factors. One I want to mention is that we run in a 'bike gang' - a group of cyclists who have a pub crawl on Fridays and a number of other events. One virtue of this group is to be a crazy motherfucker. It should be said that there are no crazy motherfuckers in this group - at worst, there is one person, a leader, who will hurt himself but will never hurt anyone else. My friend has been acting like a true crazy motherfucker, and he has begun to hurt other people.

I've been around a vast number of drinkers in my time. Most generally keep to themselves and try to have a good time. A few go out to bars looking for fights, but for those people, there's always been a strong sense of loyalty to those that they knew. In this case, this person is the first I've known who has been erratic enough to cause issues with other friends.

How should I handle this?

Reply to askmf.help@gmail.com.

Drinking Boss, help?

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:29:40 -0800

My employer showed up half cut yesterday morning and proceeded to botch up 2 phone calls with clients. This isn't the first time and he doesn't hide his drinking and has been sober and "tried" AA. His performance and attendance are compromised when he drinks, one client called back and asked if he had been drinking. I like my job, him and our profesional relationship when there has been no drinking. I've seen this exact scenario before and it just gets weird from this point untill he "see the light" and things clear up for a bit. He obviously uses work as a place to hide his drinking from family and their for much of the disfunction get pushed into the work place and we at work are put in the place of enabling his drinking. The company is small and I'm pretty sure that if I walked that the company would close it's doors. I'm loosing respect for him and I'm actually a bit pissed of at being put in/letting myself be in this position.
Any helpful words out there?

let's warm it up this winter!

thinkingwoman — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 17:21:10 -0800

'tis the season for hot alcoholic drinks. throw your recipes at me! i usually like a glass of wine after dinner, but i've been craving hot drinks lately. mulled wine is good; what else do you like?

also, i was thinking it would be good to add a shot of something to a cup of lemony herbal tea, but i don't know what would be good. brandy? rum? mead? do they even make mead?

What should I do about my rehab-avoiding father?

otherwordlyglow — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:00:49 -0800

My father just left rehab for the 2nd time. What is an appropriate response that will get him to realize that he needs to deal with his alcoholism? My 72 year old dad lives by himself in a small town in the Midwest. None of his immediate family lives near by. He's always been a heavy drinker but the last few years have been really rough for him and he's acknowledged that he has a problem with alcohol. However, he can't seem to get himself to do anything about it. As of today, he's quit rehab for the 2nd time in just over a year. In both cases, he didn't last more than 3 days. My feeling is that he's been dragging his feet and making excuses and generally being a huge baby about the whole thing and I think the best response is to tell him that I'm disappointed and then explain that until he's made some progress with treatment (attending meetings regularly would be a start), I don't want to be in his life. (Is this the "detachment" thing I hear about?) Yeah, I should probably look into Al Anon for long-term coping strategies, but what's a good way of dealing with him right now?

How do I talk to my alcoholic sister?

LambChop — Sat, 25 Nov 2006 09:47:07 -0800

How do I talk to my alcoholic sister about her problem? I am home for the holidays staying with my 44-year-old sister and her husband and am shocked at her condition. Her husband had a stroke five years ago and is physically healthy but somewhat childlike (no short term memory) and very dependent on her. They don't have kids.

Anyway, I live on the other side of the country and get home ever other year. Two summers ago I noticed that she was drinking a lot but chalked it up to the party atmosphere around the reunion of our families.

This time it is achingly clear that she is an alcoholic and that it is coming to a crisis stage. She gets drunk to passing out every night, slurring her speech for several hours near the end. She seems to polish off about a bottle-and-a-half of wine each night. She is on some kind of probation at work for screwing up and not being then when she should. (She has a very important job at a legal firm.) In the morning she has that sour body odor that one associates with alcoholics. Her face is puffy and worn-looking. She has wrestled with depression her whole life and takes some kind of anti-depressant. She is in a bad place and going in the wrong direction.

I can't say nothing, but I have to be careful that it doesn’t backfire. She has always acted like we are in some kind of life competition and tends to resent my modest success. I don't want to just piss her off. How do I tell her that I am concerned and that she should seek help?

Why?

kfx — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 21:11:25 -0800

I'm an alcoholic. I've been shitfaced every day for the last 9 months. I consider the booze a nepenthe; it's something that allows me to forget all the sins I've comitted in my short life on this planet. When I think of myself and the ruin I've wrought upon myself and all those I've loved (in particular, the paranoid schizophrenic I lived with for 2 years), I think of the wet, coughing noise of a man in the trenches of WWI. I feel I'm trapped in a prison, like the trench, and if I poke my head over I will be murdered by the huns, the horrific reality of living in the world mankind has created for itself. I went to a few AA meeings, talked to some people that were eager to discuss how they quit drinking, smoking, and found Jesus; but I couldn't relate. I believe that life is a petty thing; one governed by the meat in which our souls exude themselves and one in which we will one day die. Why should I stop drinking when there is nothing a man can do? He can become the most powerful person in the world, and yet in one thousand years he will be forgotten. Why should I quit drinking?

future designated driver

jak68 — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:08:55 -0800

Is there such a thing as non-alcoholic brandy or whiskey? (or other types of 'hard liquor')? How do they taste? They taste okay?

how can i tell if i'm an alcoholic?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 19:08:40 -0800

how can i tell if i'm an alcoholic? ok, here's my story. i'm in my late 20s and I've been a social drinker for quite some (since a teenager actually). I've been accused of having an addictive personality but I've never had any diagonsed problems with substance abuse. That said, over the last few years I've found myself drinking more and more often. I'm in a line of work where social drinking is not just expected but required (just trust me on that one)... but that's not what concerns me. What concerns me is what I'm doing when I'm not working.

I drink every night, usually alone or when I'm hanging out with my wife (she's usually not drinking). I don't always become what I would consider drunk, but I'm having at least 3 or 4 drinks (mainly wine/beer) a night. Sometimes it's a lot more. I've also found myself - when faced with a stressful or tyring work day - thinking about how much I'm looking forward to my first drink. Sometimes as early as 10am or 11am.

What does this mean? I've tried to stop drinking for short periods of time to just prove to myself that I can... but usually after a day or two I go back to the bottle. Do I need to seek professional help? It isn't interfering with my work or personal relationships (well, at least as far as I can tell) but I don't want this to either. Hive mind, share your thoughts.

how to help an alcoholic stop drinking

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 18:52:29 -0800

What is the best way for a long-time alcoholic to quit? Primarily concerned with medical aspects/health risks of detox. 10 year functional alcoholic. No other drug habits besides cigs. Average 12 drinks/night. Want to quit, but concerned about withdrawl health risks. What medications are recommended? How long does physical withdrawl last?
Not interested in 12 step information, purely medical advice requested.

Now what?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 10:55:19 -0800

Maybe I have a couple problems. The first one probably stems from the second. Insurance won't cover therapy or medication. Is there any place in Baltimore, MD that offers free or very low-cost assistance? Thank you.

Can I be a quasi-healthy drunk?

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 13:51:16 -0800

How much can I drink before cirrhosis sets in? I realize this is going to raise some indignant hackles, and rightly so, but I plead for actual answers instead of denouncing me as a worthless waste of spunk.

I'm in my thirties, single, live alone. For many years, I used to drink socially or have a few beers, and I've been known to sometimes overdo it with the drinking when I'm deeply depressed or when there've been serious crises in my life. But over the last few months, ever since a particularly bad series of outside events, I have increased my drinking considerably. Let me be very clear that I do NOT drink and drive, ever -- I don't even go to bars anymore, actually, because I'm aware of the danger I would pose to others at this point. Instead, I buy cases of beer, jugs of cheap wine, or bottles of liquor and strictly drink at home, alone.

If you were to ask me "How much do you drink?" I wouldn't be quite sure how to answer, other than "a lot." Some days I don't drink at all; some days I limit myself to a couple of beers; other times I drink glass after glass of whiskey on the rocks or vodka drinks until I have to go lie down. Rarely, I drink too much too fast on an empty stomach and black out.

So obviously I have a drinking problem, and I probably ought to get some help with this, but that's not actually what I'm asking here. I'm curious about just how badly my innards might be getting damaged without any symptoms showing up, and, yes, how much can I keep drinking before my innards start to really get shot? Yeah, I know. No, really, I know.

I don't have health insurance, so seeing a doctor and getting expensive testing done on my liver is not going to happen. (Besides, no ethical doctor would tell me anything other than, "You really need to cut back on your drinking.") I've Googled extensively about alcohol poisoning and cirrhosis of the liver. I know it's bad. I also know that I might one night drink too much and die. I know that I'm in a very self-destructive place right now. Regardless, I want to keep drinking, at least for now. But I hope one day to pull myself out of this, and I'd like not to have to be on an organ-donor waiting list when I get there. The question I'd like answered is, Is there any way for me to know how much is really too much?

Therapy for alcoholics

cmonkey — Fri, 10 Jun 2005 09:21:08 -0800

I need information about therapy for alcohol abuse/dependency. I'm an alcoholic with a history of drug abuse, and it's at the point where I can't just laugh about it; it's interfering with my life. I have no interest in appealing to a higher power, and there aren't any Rational Recovery groups in my area, so I'd like to take advantage of the kinds of therapy services offered through Cigna Behavioral Health.

I understand how groups like AA & NA work, but I have no familiarity with one on one counselling. What should I expect with this type of therapy? Does it actually work? How do I find a trustworthy counselor?

Alcohol related marriage problems--advice?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jun 2005 10:15:51 -0800

I'm not sure what to do about my marriage. Most of the problem as I see it, is alcohol. I've been married for three years, second marriage for both of us. We have children from previous relationships/marriages and a one year old together. In the beginning, our relationship was quite wonderful and fufilling. Now, he repulses me. He seems to be still quite in love with me, and tells me he loves me all the time, but when I say "I love you" back, I feel like I'm lying. It's not that he has "let himself go", he's not substantitally physically different than when we met. What is different is that he drinks far more than he used to. He'll drink nearly every night. He doesn't get violent or abusive when he drinks, he just gets slurry speech, becomes somewhat incoherent, and falls asleep/passes out (I'm never quite sure which). As far as I know, his drinking hasn't affected his job, and he never drives drunk. But still, I find it repulsive. When he does it in private, I feel annoyed and frustrated. When he does it in front of others, I feel angry and embarrassed.

There is also an issue of money-- we are currently struggling. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and he tells me that there isn't money for things I want or need, but yet there always seems to be enough money for beer or wine. This makes me feel incredibly resentful. I don't drive (due to phobia) and I'm afraid that if the baby or I get injured, he'll be too drunk to drive us to the hospital. There is always the ambulance, but I dread the thought of having something be wrong with the baby and the hospital staff seeing my husband being a drunken idiot. I threatened to leave him when I was pregnant because I was afraid I'd go into early labor and he'd be too drunk to drive. He reluctantly, bitterly stopped until the baby was born, then went right back to it. When I try to bring these issues up to him, he basically doesn't care, or says I'm being unreasonable. He used to try and say it was my fault for hassling him so much that I was "making" him drink; but that stopped when I pointed out how "textbook alcoholic" that sounded. If I do throw a huge fit and "make" him stop drinking, he generally is either so nasty (not abusive, but incredibly unpleasant and passive-aggressive) that I tell him to drink again so he'll stop, or he just brings home alcohol after a few days as if nothing had ever happened.

I don't really have many options, though. If I leave, I doubt I can get a job that will even re-coup the cost of daycare. The only relatives I have left that give a crap about me are in another state, but moving to another state would certainly start a custody battle over the baby; as the one with less (read: no) money, it doesn't seem likely I'll come out on top of that. Our state is on the restrictive end of child custody-- I know if we were separated, I couldn't move out of state with the child without his permission or a judge's. I may not even be able to move out of state with the child when we are not separated. I moved to another town to move in with him when we met, and all my friends in this town were my husband's friends first, and likely to take his side. I've fallen out of touch with my friends in my old town, so no options there.

I'm also not too hopeful about getting him in AA-- from what I've read, it's not any more successful than quitting drinking without AA. From what I've seen, people stop drinking successfully when they really want to-- and he shows no signs of wanting to. He seems to care about making me happy, but only if it doesn't get in the way of his drinking. Apart from the drinking, he's not so bad. But I suspect that being after drinking on his list of priorities has sapped my respect for him, and along with it my love and attraction. Things that never bothered me before now disgust me (smelly gas, dumb jokes, etc.) But I also don't want to separate my baby from his father-- he'd be terribly unhappy without his daddy.

So to sum up: I'm unhappy in my marriage, but seemingly not in physical danger. I've got no money and nowhere to go if I left. I don't want to get into a custody battle because I can't afford a lawyer, plus I think it will make the baby unhappy. I seem unable to convince him to stop drinking, but I hate being married to a drunk. Marriage counseling seems prohibitively expensive, and I suspect he'll resist because he doesn't want to be called out on his drinking problem. My only option seems to be to wait it out until the baby goes to school, and then get a job so I have some money and some options. Is this all there is?

Is it folly to marry someone with a drinking problem?

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Dec 2004 07:54:11 -0800

Is it folly to marry someone with a drinking problem? [Long-time lurker, first-time poster] My wonderful girlfriend of 2.5 years has some tendencies that make me worry she may be an alcoholic or be on the path to becoming an alcoholic. Over the time I have known her, she has had binge drinking episodes that last the course of the evening, during which she often is verbally abusive to me and a occasionally has been unfaithful. She wakes up the next day with a terrible hangover, guilty and apologetic and with no desire to drink again, until a few weeks later when she begins to be mad at me for "making her" stop drinking, decides she's "ok" and begins drinking moderately again, followed by another binge. She does not fit any of the profiles of "alcoholics" that organizations like AA seem to cater too--she doesn't go on days-long binges, doesn’t black out, never needs an eye-opener, and after a drinking bout has no desire to touch the stuff for days. We are at the stage in life where it seems like marriage is a real possibility. We talk about it frequently. I love her very much, she is a wonderful, caring, loving person, sober. But given the potential risk to a marriage (and any children) that this problem could present if it gets worse, and given that she does not see this as a problem worth getting help for, would it be folly to proceed to get engaged?

Does alcohol abuse equate to alcohol dependence?

LimePi — Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:50:12 -0800

From the brand new AxMe Anonymizer

"Is my friend an alcoholic?" [MI] "He only drinks maybe four times a year, but when he does, he gets REALLY REALLY drunk, does (and says)horrible things, blacks out, etc. He's incredibly touchy when it comes to talking about it. Immediately goes into denial, gets defensive, etc. (When he's not drunk, he's a sweetheart.)

Because when he DOES drink, he acts like an alcoholic, many people (who meet him for the first time when he's on one of these benders) assume that he *is* an alcoholic.

If it makes any difference, he's not a college student. He's in his 40s.

But can one really be an alcoholic when one drinks so infrequently? Don't alcoholics drink all the time?

Is "alcoholic" a fuzzy term, or is there a clear medical definition. Can a brain scan be done that determines whether or not someone is an alcoholic, or is it purely about behavior?"

(once again, this is not my [LimePi's] question, but a question from an anonymous MeFite)

Help identifying an empty German flask I found?

Smart Dalek — Mon, 12 Jan 2004 15:32:15 -0800

I'd like some help identifying an empty flask I found in a drawer.
It's from Germany, and bears the inscription "Herrenberger Blutwurzelansatz / Weinhaus Gläßer / Brennerei Herrenberg / Deutsches Erzeugnis".
The bottle is at least 10-12 years old, and doesn't mention any overseas distributor. Could it have held an herbal wine, or a liqueur?