Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with aging

Help my eyes look less old

dzaz — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:27:24 -0800

For a 45 year old woman, I'm very happy with how I'm aging, with one recent exception: my eyes are beginning to look very old. In the past few months, I arise every morning with huge puffs both under and over my eyes and there's been a dramatic increase in wrinkles, to the point where people keep asking me if I'm okay because I look tired. I'm already a low-sodium, exercising, well-hydrated, healthy diet, lots of green tea type of person. I've tried puff-reducing gels (which work a little but then the wrinkles really stand out), the Olay Rx line (no changes), some dermatologist-recommended Vichy product line, still nothing. But I'm wondering, weirdly, if having swine flu about 2 months ago has something to do with this. One of my first symptoms was I became bloated all over (couldn't zip up boots), and maybe the eyes are the last remnant of the flu? Does anyone have recommendations for a de-wrinkler for the eyes that truly works?

How should I respond to a delusional email from my mother who is suffering from paranoia?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 08:34:31 -0800

How should I respond to a delusional email from my mother who is suffering from paranoia? A few moths ago, I posted this askme, and shared the helpful suggestions with my siblings.

Since then, my mother’s paranoia has continued to scale upwards. She’s been living with my brother and he has tried to help her and to get this looked at by her doctor, but she’s been very resistant to this. During this time, my mother has not mentioned any of this to me, although I’ve been getting updates from my sister in-law via email.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago after a couple of middle of the night 911 calls by my mom with claims she was being gassed by my brother and his family. I can’t imagine the stress their household has been under, but this at least seems to have had the effect of getting my mom’s condition looked at seriously, and hopefully will result in treatment in the long run that will help clear up her delusions.

However, last night I received an email from my Momtelling me that she was expecting my brother and his wife to kill her that evening and that she'd email me again if she survived the night.

And this morning I did indeed get an email from her letting me know she’s still there and to expect further such reports.

She had shared a little bit of such delusions with me in the past, but at that time, they were not nearly so full blown and she also only mentioned them in passing. I was able to be supportive and direct the subject to other things.

So, my question is for those of you who’ve had to deal directly with delusional and paranoid loved ones. What is the best (or least worst) way to respond to this? Should I (as my brother has tried constantly to do – clearly with no good result) try to reason with her? Should I ignore it? What? I suppose I could just try to generally supportive and loving and elide all of this, but that doesn’t seem terribly realistic either.

I’ll be checking in soon with my SIL about all of this to give her and my brother a heads up and to see what I might be able to offer them.

Email account: concernedson@gmail.com is still active. Thanks.

How old is too old to climb on?

dantodd — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:41:12 -0800

I've always thought that rock climbing soft gear had a life of 10 years. Others are now telling me that is doesn't age if looked after properly. Is there a definitive answer? I used to do a lot of sport climbing and have heaps of gear. I want to restart after 10+ years off. I have some rope that is around 12 years old, but used only one and some static line around the same age that was used a little bit more. Is it safe to use? What about my slings and dog bones? All my old gear has been stored in a dry dark place.

FWIW, I've bought a new harness and static line to do some solo top-roping.

My dog is getting meaner with age

M.C. Lo-Carb! — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:23:21 -0800

I'm afraid my old dog's mind is going before his body -- he's peeing on the floor, growls and snaps at us when we try to put him outside, and other odd behaviors. How should my wife and I handle this? Our oldest dog, Rusty, is approximately 16 (give or take a year). He's a 45-pound border collie/heeler mutt that I adopted from a rescue organization when he was about 1. We have two other dogs, both very mellow.

Rusty has always been high-strung -- he actually bit a couple of people when he was 2 or 3 (one was a landlord, the other an acquaintance, yes, it was a big hassle and animal control had to come check him out in both instances), has had epic fights with other dogs (he doesn't start them, but responds viciously to any attempt at domination), and has reliably gone berserk at the vet's office, crapping and growling and biting, that sort of thing. As a result, he has had a minimum of veterinary care, only emergencies. Unlike our other two dogs, he's never had his teeth cleaned, regular shots or anything like that.

I've tried all sorts of training programs and a couple canine anxiety meds over the last 15 years, and none have made any difference. A decade ago, I basically adapted to the fact that he's just kind of crazy, and have sought to keep him out of bad situations. He has always gotten lots of exercise, and physically is in very good shape, despite his age.

But recently, it appears his mental condition is declining. A few months ago, he stopped going outside in the mornings. After he eats, he slinks back to his bed or a favorite corner and won't listen to a word we say (he has previously been very obedient). If we try to pull him by his collar, he will snap and growl menacingly.

For a while, we'd trick him to get a leash on him by telling him we were "going for a walk," but it didn't take long for him to figure this out. My wife is understandably frightened of him at this point, and it's becoming an issue between us.

He is also pacing around at night and peeing and defecating all over the house, about every other night. I usually clean this up quickly, but it's damaging our wood floors, leaving stains, etc.

Rusty has always been an indoor dog, and I think just leaving him outside at night while the other two are inside would make him really sad. But I don't want him to bite me or my wife either during the morning ritual of getting him outside.

All this aside, he still enjoys his walks, playing fetch, barking at the mailman, etc. His quality of life does not appear diminished.

tl;dr -- So I guess my question is: at what point do you start considering putting down an otherwise healthy geriatric dog that is becoming frighteningly obstinate? Obviously, if it got to the point where he injured one of us, that'd be it, but I'd rather avoid that.

What would you do in this situation?

Hot for Grandma?

Bardolph — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 08:32:55 -0800

How do men's patterns of sexual attraction change as they age? That is, are older guys really attracted to older partners, or are they just being polite/settling for what they can get? Mostly just curious, but I've always been puzzled by the contradictory info one gets on sexuality and aging. On the one hand, related things like sexual orientation/fetishes don't magically change over the years, and since desire patterns are probably hardwired during adolescence, why would someone who's turned on by hot 20-year-olds at age 20 suddenly change that at age 40?

On the other hand, plenty of men seem to have active sexual relationships with their contemporaries well into old age-- the same guys who, presumably, would at age 20 have been horrified by the idea of sex with a 60+-year-old.

Obviously there'll be lots of individual variation, but I'm wondering-- what gives? Is it really common for men's fantasies to age as they age? Do older guys genuinely get turned on by/ desire the older women they sleep with, or is there some creative imaginative work going on to get them through the act? (Not asking about women because I am one, so I figure I'll find out firsthand as time goes by). Oh, and pls. none of the standard sentimental answers-- "sex is more about the connection," "Personality counts for more," etc., unless you (a) are a guy, and (b) can personally attest firsthand that these are accurate for you. Thanks!

Help me accept aging.

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 08:10:58 -0800

"... and loved the sorrows of your changing face." Help me accept the fact that I'm aging. I don't think of myself as a vain person, but I did, throughout my twenties, occasionally, look in the mirror and think, "Damn, how *you* doin'?" Over the last year (I'm 32), I've noticed a significant (to me) change in the way I look-- when I smile, the skin around my eyes explodes into a network of lines and wrinkles, and the bags under my eyes look darker and more foreboding. It's embarrassing that I even notice, much less think, about this stuff, but it's started to wreak havoc on my self-image. Instead of checking the mirror and feeling confident before strutting out the door, I glance in the mirror and think, "Oh no!"

I know aging is natural, and normal, etc., etc., and I *never* thought I would be someone who cared about this. All those women who inject their faces and lift their brows seemed like alien space invaders to me. Now that my own changing appearance is smacking me in the face, it's a different story.

Some possibly relevant details:
*I'm female.
*I was most recently dating someone a few years younger who told me, after we'd broken up, that he'd initially "had some reservations" about dating someone older-- and that a certain face cream I'd been using made me "look younger."
*I just moved into a new apt. with extremely harsh, unflattering bathroom lighting.
*I am regularly asked out on dates. (Two next week!) This provides some counterbalance to my diminished self-concept.

How can I accept the fact that I look different, and older, than I did, and feel confident about this? How can I relax enough to enjoy my dates next week and not worry every time I laugh (which is often) that my face is a cobweb of lost elasticity?

Please don't let my cat eat me.

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:13:11 -0800

Is there a service that will email me once a day, and if I don't respond, contact local EMS? I live alone. I have no family or friends that contact me on a regular basis, often a year or more will go by between phone calls. As I get older, I worry that I could slip and fall (or other medical emergency), and be unable to get help on my own.

A webcam as a means for recording changes in facial appearance over time?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:05:47 -0800

Using a webcam (instead of a camera) for recording changes in facial appearance over time - good or bad idea? I'm thinking about experimenting with various topical cosmetic applications and keeping a photographic record to judge what works (as well as tracking the skin effects of various food allergies, etc). I don't have a webcam; I do have a 6 mp camera which I don't use much (not a camera person).

Anyway; I'm considering spending 50-70$ for a logitech webcam to take daily facial pics - because of the relative ease in creating a daily routine, because the lighting would be consistent (as would the angle), and so on. I've never had a webcam, and it's unlikely that I'd use it much, if at all, except for this function.

Is this a foolish idea and waste of money? Should I just use the camera and approximate? Would a webcam in this price range provide good enough still photos for this purpose (ie, focus on changes in skin texture, pores, wrinkles, etc).

(I know this is a pretty superficial question, but it's been bouncing around in my head for a while and thought I'd just finally ask and see if anyone had any thoughts)

Please recommend articles, essays or books about aging.

cheapskatebay — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 13:50:37 -0800

Please recommend articles, essays or books about aging. I recently read two essays that intrigued me. One was a 2007 New Yorker essay by Atul Gawande and the other was a more recent Men's Journal essay by Pat Jordan.

Can anyone recommend additional essays, articles or books about what it's like to age, or to be old? I'd be interested in anything remotely relevant - the article does not need not be just about men, or Americans/westerners, and it need not be focused, like these essays, on the science of aging/health care issues or one man's subjective experience of aging. Essays would be particularly interesting but I'd certainly consider books, scientific articles accessible to the lay reader, sociology texts, a primer on gerontology... pretty much anything. Both fiction and non-fiction would be fine.

Many thanks in advance.

looking to talk to older adults about sex

mammalian — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:56:38 -0800

I am a Toronto-based artist researching aging and sexuality for an upcoming project. I'm looking to talk to people over the age of 65 who can be quite candid about their sexuality. I'm looking for suggestions as to where I can find people to talk to. I'm trying some obvious places like Craigslist and Lavalife with some success and wondering if anybody has any other ideas. And if the people live in/around Toronto, that's even better, but not essential. Thanks.

What's Making My Mother Paranoid

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 06:42:23 -0800

My mother has become increasingly paranoid recently. How can I help her? My mother is in her late seventies. She had a mild heart attack in the early part of this decade, but now that she's stopped smoking and my siblings and I have gotten her out of a rotten housing situation a few years ago, she's been doing pretty well. She's still mobile, if achey, and is still quite sharp for the most part.

However, the situation we got her out of, where there were drug dealers living next to her, seems to have stuck with her. She has frequently told my brother who lives near her (and me a few times during visits) that the drug dealers are still after her, even though she's now living in a senior community and has never interacted with the police about any of that. We've seen no signs of it at all.

Just last week, it got worse. My mom moved in with my brother for several days, as she was too afraid to stay at her condo at the senior community. She also thought there were lurkers about outside at my brother's house.

AND to top it off, she started thinking that his wife was wanting to hurt her. I'd gotten concerned when I heard she'd left her condo and I had wondered if she was going to get worse, and it seems she has.

My brother's done what he could to talk her down. I've talked to her too by phone, but I'm nowhere nearby to offer much help other than reassurance and advice. I'm told she's going to be moving back to her place and my brother's going to be going with my mom to her doctor.

I've done a little reading online about this kind of issue with aging people and it seems that it could just be something that can be lived with, could be an early sign of oncoming dementia or it could even by a side effect of taking statins (and my mother does take some sort of cholesterol medication, but I haven't confirmed what it is). The thing is that for health stuff, the internet is often full of anecdotal bullshit and snake oil. And since I'm not a medical professional, I know I have a tough time sorting the wheat from the chaff there.

I know you are not my mom's doctor, but I would like to hear from anyone with experience with paranoia affecting the elderly so that I can figure out what information might be helpful to pass on to my brother for when he visits my mother's doctor. I have no idea how good or bad her doctor is, but it is my experience with my own GP that going in with some foreknowledge can be helpful.

Anyone wanting to ask any followup questions or contact me for any other reasons can use the following email address:

concernedson@googlemail.com

Thank you.

If you're a heterosexual woman who cares about such things, at around what age do men stop looking at you?

Sully — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 12:01:16 -0800

If you're a heterosexual woman who cares about such things, at around what age do men stop looking at you? I don't mean a husband, or a boyfriend - I mean men on the street. Does it happen suddenly, or over weeks, months? How long did it take for you to notice this, and was it liberating, disheartening? Both? How does it change things? Does it change anything? Does it even matter? I am curious.

Please help me ruin a perfectly good canvas field coat

quarantine — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 02:50:51 -0800

I got a great gift of a brand-new camel-colored canvas field coat from Land's End. It fits great. Problem (?) is: that it looks like a brand-new camel-colored canvas field coat from Land's End. So I have this coat. I live in Los Angeles, far away from the woods. I would like to make it look like I've had it for 15+ years (the jacket that I have legitimately worn for 15 years looks awesome, but I'd rather not wait until my mid-forties for the look.)

This wikiHow article is useful. So is this previous question. But I'd like more ideas, especially from someone who has done this. Any reason I shouldn't just drive over it with my truck several times? Best way to distress without breaking the buttons? Is there a lapidary-type process to break the fibers? Abrasives? Dyes, bleaches, or other chemicals (if someone gives me an excuse to use copper perchlorate or something, I'd grin all the way to the chemical supply shop)? I don't really know what is best with stiff canvas.

Lord of Dorktown seeks alternate transportation

M.C. Lo-Carb! — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:47:00 -0800

How old is too old to learn to ride a skateboard? I am considering the purchase of a longboard-style skateboard to commute around the large college campus on which I work and take classes. I might also use it around the neighborhood to exercise my dogs.

Though I ride a bike to work, it's a hassle to put my clip shoes on and haul it out of the office to go to class or lunch, and my campus has a crappy bike rack infrastructure. However, I would like to cut down on the huge amount of time I spend walking around, and a wheeled transportation device that I could simply carry into my destination would be really handy.

The complications: I have never ridden a skateboard. I'm fit, but not athletically skilled or coordinated. I used to rollerblade but was never very good at it, especially the stopping part. I've skied and snowboarded a couple times (in my entire life) and was not particularly skilled at either.

I am also nearly 37 years old.

My questions: given that I've never so much as stood on a skateboard, how hard will it be to learn to ride one? I'm not planning on doing tricks or anything, just rolling along the sidewalk or street and scooting myself along. I also have kind of crappy knees, which preclude sports like running, but are not harmed by my primary sport, bicycling. Do you need lots of knee stability or power to use a skateboard, or do you just stand or crouch there?

Does it take considerable skill to "carve" between people on the sidewalk, or is this a function of the board's trucks?

Also, I wear a bike helmet, do I have to wear a different helmet to ride a skateboard? Can I not wear a helmet and be reasonably safe?

What are some good longboards for beginners?

And finally, seriously, will I be ridiculed in the public square for being a 37-year-old n00b on a skateboard?

Is cosmetic surgery my only option?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 09:54:31 -0800

How can I camouflage hooded eyes? I am a white girl in my early thirties with hooded eyes. This makes me look like I'm angry all the time, even when I'm not. When I smile, I look even weirder. I cannot afford botox or blepharoplasty at this time, but I can drop ~100 usd on makeup. I need to know what makeup to buy and how to apply it to minimize my permascowl.

Diet + Marriage = Halp!!!

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 08:09:44 -0800

We both need to lose weight... But I need some help figuring out how to successfully do it together. We've both achieved middle-age spread, and need to turn this back; on this we are agreed. I know I can do it on my own... I lost 30 pounds (down to my target weight) a couple of years ago by eating sensibly without feeling terribly deprived while my husband was working out of town. Although I tried to keep it up once we resumed our normal living situation, I gained it all back. Ugh.

The problem is that while he agrees in principle to everything, and (in totally good faith, I know) agrees to stick with the diet plan (nothing weird... just cutting way back on sugar, fatty foods, meats, etc.), he feels very deprived and slips into old food habits very quickly.

Because he's always been naturally very slim he could eat anything all his life without any worry about weight gain - so he's basically spent 50 years never having to even consider his diet. I, on the other hand, have always had to be a bit careful, so I'm more accustomed to exercising some control. But "some control" isn't enough anymore, now that I'm older, and I really need to focus and keep up a deliberate approach.

The problem is that he will buy and prepare foods that are hard for me to resist when he falls off the wagon. He also seems so disappointed in meals that I prepare, though I try all sorts of tricks and methods of making them as tasty as possible... so I cave and start adding back more of the ingredients I'm trying to avoid. I should be stronger, but I'm not. When I succeeded on my own, I had to also create a mind space that eating this way was really delicious and more tasty and satisfying than the old way. I was able to do that, and actually feel that way... but I couldn't look at my food with a mental sigh that it wasn't something else, or I wouldn't have been able to stick to the plan. I had to approach it "holistically" and that worked.

Unfortunately, I'm not really very self-disciplined... once the "weight" (pardon the pun) of his dissatisfaction and urge to cheat is added into the mix, I can't seem to hold on to my resolve. The problem seems to me that once we agree that we need to rein in and start eating carefully, he sees our meals as being "diet food" and therefore unappealing. (Things like fake "burgers" etc. are only going to make that worse, I think.)

Our dynamic is very, very laid back; we've been together forever, rarely argue, aren't naggers (even when we should be, maybe), have always enjoyed cooking, eating and spending time together... we're really happy with each other! And I'd like to keep it that way. I can't imagine/don't relish becoming the house Food Nazi, and I'm not sure I could even do that, though I guess I could try.

For the record, if it helps, we're both in good health, take no medications, don't suffer from depression or other mental health issues, both pretty self-indulgent but live fairly simply, drinkers - but not every day, good humored, cheerful, don't eat very much fast food or other processed food, he loves his sweets. And bread, oh my. We don't live in a place that offers much of anything at all in the way of specialized "health food" or diet food items, though we have access to plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. We don't really have big soul-searching conversations about our relationship, etc., so while we can certainly have conversations about this, straightforward and pragmatic is more our deal, rather than "when you do this, I feel like this" kind of discussions.

Exercise is fine, but he gets quite a bit of that with his work, and has a very erratic schedule, so a regular program of gym after work, for example, is not an option for him.

btw, my husband is a kind, wonderful person, and I love him very much, so if we can avoid a lot of insults, that would be good.

How do I stop sleeping on my side?

decoherence — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 09:39:55 -0800

I'm getting wrinkles from keeping my face mashed up against my pillow all night long. How do I train myself to stop sleeping on my side? They're very slight, mostly around my eyes and the sides of my forehead, but I fear what these may become in another 10 years or so. I've tried on and off for the past couple years to change my sleeping position, but to no avail. My most comfortable position is to sleep on one side of my face, with an arm underneath the pillow. I find it very difficult to fall asleep facing straight up; moreover, even when I accomplish this, I inevitably wake up the next morning back in my old position. I've tried sleeping between two pillows, to prevent my head from turning over, and while this makes it somewhat easier to fall asleep, it doesn't seem to help with the shifting during the night. Any ideas?

Source of creaky sounds in an older model vehicle plus general maintenance questions?

limonade — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:26:01 -0800

Source of creaky sounds in an older model vehicle plus general maintenance questions? I have a car that is well over 10 years old. It's a Honda and I've always gotten regular oil changes and other critical maintenance, so I hope to have it run to another 80,000 miles (until it reaches 200,000 miles).

I have a few different questions. First of all, the car has started making rather creaky sounds towards the rear. It sound sort of similar to what you'd hear riding in a big school bus. Just as the car hits bumps in the road, things sound creaky and a little bit loose. What would this most likely be?

Second, how important is maintenance of the outer body of the car to making it last? For example, I've had some rather large dents and other things that I just left as is. I don't follow the dealer recommended maintenance. But I am religious about oil changes. What is the most essential maintenance for making a car last?

Finally, at some point I will have to get a new-to-me car. What are the best ways to maintain the appearance of your car over time? Since I live and park on the street in a city that has a lot of snow, my cars have always a beating and after a while, they just look scratched up and worse for the wear. I'm wondering if there are any simple and expensive tips for maintaining their appearance and new look longer or if really, on NEW cars will stay looking new for long.

anti-wrinkle creams that work for you?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 09:27:13 -0800

vanityfilter: I'm embarrassed to admit that I am very self-conscious about signs of aging. I wish I wasn't bothered about the lines around my eyes but I think about them too much! I have to ask- does anyone have any actual experience with anti-aging/ anti-wrinkle products that HAVE REALLY WORKED FOR YOU? Please give recommendations only based on personal success stories.

Info about me- In my early 30s, female, medium fair skin.
I drink only water (mostly) and eat well (vegetarian) and exercise and militantly protect my face from the sun with hat and sunglasses and sunscreen. I'm pretty sure my lines are due to genetics. I feel they are more advanced than many of my peers and it makes me self conscious. Just wondering if there's anything i can do about it!

(Please don't recommend drinking more water.)

Many thanks in advance.

Non-Spontaneous Human Combustion: How Do We Stop It From Happening to Mom?

julthumbscrew — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:21:15 -0800

The short version: mom's morphed into a reclusive, depressive, heavily-medicated, quasi-narcoleptic shell of a woman. She's given up on life and herself. More disturbingly, she's burned holes in hundreds of household items (carpets, floors, computer keyboards) after falling asleep while smoking. It's a recipe for tragedy(s) - fires, skull fractures, etc. We want a better life for her (or hell, any life at all, given the fire hazards). What can we do? The longer, far-more-depressing version (you might want to grab a coffee and a bottle of Paxil prior to reading):

My mom's falling apart... physically, mentally, emotionally, existentially. Her disintegration's been progressing for years. We've never attempted an intervention because we didn't know where to start. There were complications on complications (Ball of Yarn, meet Can of Worms).

We can't ignore it any more. Her life's in danger. We have to do something. But what? In order to help describe the extent of the issues, I'm going to kick it case history style. I'll describe a typical Day in the Life of Mom. Then, I'll provide some back story to help elaborate the factors which contribute(d) to the current miserable state of affairs.

The Problem(s):

She wakes up at noon, groggy and in pain. Bad pain. Where? Everywhere. Between the fuzziness and physical aches, tiny tasks take ages. By 1:00, she's managed to put on a robe, make a pot of coffee, take a pain pill and smoke the first half-dozen victims of a four pack-a-day habit. She spends some time shuffling between her heating pad and the coffee pot... flipping channels on the TV... nodding off and augmenting the carpet's array of cigarette burns. On a good day, this lasts an hour. On a bad day, it never really ends. Even on the best days, she's near-catatonic until the trifecta of coffee, cigarettes and morphine has worked its magic.

If it's a bad day, she'll go back to bed. If it's a good day, she'll putter from task to task, only sporadically finishing any of 'em. She puts on a load of laundry... then the phone rings!... she finishes her phone call, goes back to the laundry room, realizes she needs fabric softener. But the dog needs to be let out!... she lets the dog out, decides to sit down and watch some TV... but she still needs fabric softener!... but her car keys are next to the sink, and it's full of dirty dishes!... but she can't wash them, of course, until the silverware drawer is organized... oh, shoot, the dog's barking... forgot to let her in!... she lets the dog in, stops by the refrigerator to get a snack... and that nice roast is going to expire! Need to cook it! But the stove's covered in dirty dishes, too! Better organize the cupboards.

It's an unrelenting ADDeath shuffle, fueled by copious quantities of coffee, cigarettes and morphine. Not to feel good, mind you... to suppress the myriad of inexplicable aches and pains which would otherwise debilitate her.

At 5 PM, my father gets home from work. She says she's exhausted, that she's "been running all day!". She didn't even have time to shower! My father - an engineer of the "gentle robot" type - doesn't particularly care that the house is a crap hole, that dinner hasn't been made, that the carpet's a mass of charred polyester. He does the chores she requests. He fetches take-out. He calls in sick when she's too pained to get out of bed. He's supportive in all the ways she requires... and none of the ways she really needs.

Robo-Dad goes to bed at nine on the dot. Mom's day has barely begun. She can't go to bed! The house is a wreck! No one else is going to clean it! So begins the nightly suburban stations of the cross. She shuffles from room to room, chipping away at chores, trying (and failing) to fight fatigue. Falling asleep sitting in chairs (with her head pitched forward at a sickening, painful angle). Falling asleep at the kitchen table. Falling asleep on the toilet, falling off, hurting herself. Falling asleep standing up. Dropping cigarettes and burning holes in every surface imaginable. Eating sweets. Watching five-minute segments of movies ten times in a row because she keeps nodding off. Growing increasingly foggy, confused and incoherent.

Sometime before dawn, the inevitable wins and she passes out for an hour or two... sometimes in bed, sometimes on the couch, often while slumped over in a chair. She rarely sleeps for more than two or three hours before waking. When she wakes, she cannot/will not go back to sleep without taking another whack at the whole "shuffle around house, burn holes in shit" routine (she claims that sleeping for more than four hours at a time "messes up" her back). After two or three shuffle-interrupted blocks of sleep... surprise! It's noon again... rinse, repeat.

It's no way to live. Yet she has been, for years. And now her daily hours of lucidity have begun to wane. We're sad and scared.

What We Want, Ideal-World Version:

- We want her to stop endangering her life and those of her family.
- We want to help her address the sleep issues which are so detrimental to her life.
- Ditto the depression issues.
- We want a better life for her than the one she's living. She deserves it.

The Background Info:

- Let's set a few things straight. She's a wonderful woman. She's damned intelligent, hilariously funny, incredibly supportive, one of the few genuinely moral people I've ever met. My entire concept of ethics and decency comes from her. Hell, the bulk of that which is good in me comes from her. Hence my desire to sift through this clusterfuck and help her.

- She's in her early 60s. She's suffered from clinical depression for over fifty years. It's ebbed and flowed. SSRIs currently keep it from spiraling out of control (though they don't make it much better). She's also had intractable feelings of worthlessness and failure - they've always been there, and always been incredibly painful and shameful. She was bright enough to have gone to medical school... instead, she became a secretary, then a homemaker. Wasn't encouraged by her parents.. wasn't encouraged by Robo-Dad... wasn't confident in herself. As such, she never achieved... well, much of anything, by outside standards. She's lived a good and decent life... but it's done nothing for her ego.

- My siblings and I are grown. Two of us have moved out. The youngest, Former Junkie Sister (now Suboxone Sistah), lives at home, works part-time, has little direction, spends a lot of time fighting with mom. Due to Former Junkie Sister's issues (as well as those of her other children), mom believes herself to have been a huge failure as a parent.

- Per my father, mom's always had issues with insomnia/resultant narcolepsy.

- For the past 15 years, she's experienced a series of inexplicable, increasingly-severe physical complaints. She's been pegged with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, you name it. Nothing's quite fit. Factitious? No. Psychosomatic? Quite possibly, at least in part. Her "treatment" has been limited to morphine sulfate, dispensed by a kindly but clueless local physician. The morphine suppresses enough pain for her to be mobile. Due to increasing tolerance, she's worked her way up to 8 to 12 60mg tablets per day (enough to euthanize a lesser mortal). Due to bad experiences with several specialists ("chronic nonspecific pain" = problematic patient), she's reluctant/unwilling to pursue other treatment options.

The physical ailments and their ensuing limitations were a nuisance... then a problem... then, once her kids were grown, the defining feature of her life. She has no real hobbies, few friends, no goals or ambitions. She doesn't feel she's worthy of these things. After all (in her mind), she's stupid, worthless and, above all, sick.

- Any suggestions regarding her problems are met with denial, incredulity and/or anger. Usually anger. "You kids have no idea what it's like"... "I have a pretty good life, most of the time"... "It seems like you're all turning on me"... etc.

- Aging has made her increasingly depressed/despondent about the course her life has taken. Hopelessness and helplessness are the themes of the day, "it's too late for me" a common refrain.

The Request: what do we do? We have no idea where to start. Psychiatrist? Life coach? Sleep clinic? Family doc? Any course of action has to be pursued very, very carefully; if she thinks we're betraying her, she'll be devastated. We want to help... not destroy.

Any suggestions, stories opinions and errata would be greatly appreciated. We're feeling clueless and desperate over here.

The Lost Blog post/essay/article/etc.

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 12:53:29 -0800

Seeking a wonderful essay I saw online once about being age-appropriate -- hoping the green can help me? I read a wonderful essay or blog post or the like just once and am wishing to God I bookmarked it, as it's been eluding me on Google.

It was about being "age appropriate", for lack of a better word -- about not just accepting, but EMBRACING the fact that different ages let you get away with different things -- i.e., little kids can get away with trying to read under the covers with flashlights, or playing hopscotch, but grownups can get away with staying up late; people in their 20's can get away with partying until the wee hours of the morning, but seniors can get away with other pursuits, etc. By the same token, there are things that kids can get away with that adults can't, etc. The thrust of this all was to go ahead and embrace the kinds of things that your specific age let you get away with, at each stage, because that was the whole point.

Does anyone remember seeing ANYTHING like this anywhere? I'd love to read it again, and I've been looking for this for some months now.

Which book or online resources are available for a mid-30s male to get and remain healthy?

cheapskatebay — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 11:56:22 -0800

Please point me to a guide for maintaining a healthy lifestyle for a male in his mid-30s. As I move into my mid-30s, I feel like my overall health has taken a turn for the worse. Much of this, I suspect, is due to the normal effects of aging, and more yet to a typical Western diet and lifestyle. I'm mildly concerned about my health and I would like to take pro-active steps to improve and maintain my health for the long-term.

A few months ago I read Younger Next Year, a book addressing this subject for men ages 50 and older. It was a fairly well-written book which condensed the general things a man should know about health into a few straightforward rules, the most provocative of which was to exercise at least 6 days a week. I appreciated that the book assumed the reader wasn't a complete dunce; the nutrition chapter admionished the reader to not eat "crap," while assuming a reasonably smart person would know what that "crap" would be (and explaining the subject in enough detail to enlighten those who were uncertain what the "crap" is.) A lot of the advice in the book seemed generally applicable to men of any age, and I may very well adopt/adapt these guidelines for healthy living. My specific question: I'm interested in seeing whether anyone can recommend similar books or online resources that are specifically geared for younger men.

Anecdotal replies within this thread would be welcome, but there are already many good replies in this recent thread. Indeed, there is no shortage of AskMe questions that address weight gain, loss of alcohol tolerance, exercise, diet, and similar subjects concerned with maintaining health and aging gracefully, and this site is a valuable resource for me in that respect. It would be ideal to supplement those replies with a well-written, reasonably comprehensive guide for maintaining my health for, hopefully, decades to come. It occurs to me that such a resource need not be gender-specific, but I think a book oriented to men would be more helpful than one not so oriented.

How can my mom keep her mind engaged and active as she ages?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 08:45:00 -0800

I need tips to help my mom keep her mind engaged and active, despite her vision problems. Help? My mom, who is 67, had a large non-malignant brain tumor that was removed ~18 years ago. As a result, she experienced some loss of brain tissue, and also suffered damage to her optic nerve. She has no direct vision in one eye, only peripheral vision. Consequently, long-term reading or computer use aren't very comfortable.

She works part-time, and when she's not working she has a tendency to veg in front of the TV. She talks with folks on the phone, does occasional (1x/2x a month) volunteering, but she's not out and engaged, largely because she can't travel far independently (she still drives, though I'm not sure for how much longer, and not in the dark, which seriously restricts her in wintertime) so she's not doing much to challenge herself. Her work is not particularly engaging, mentally - following processes, no real problem solving involved - and I'm concerned because she has some occasional short term memory lapses as well as a somewhat short temper from time to time (unusual for her) and I'm worried that these are early signs of troubles.

She will be seeing a doctor for an assessment, and next month she and my sister are about to begin going to a gym together a few times a week, which I know will be a help. I've thought about giving her a Nintendo DS with Brain Age, but I know that's just one of many things that would have to be undertaken to have any meaningful effect.

She claims "tiredness" a lot which I think is more boredom. She seems afraid to try things that she did in the past (like sewing or crochet, for example) because of her eyesight, when she foibles a stitch because she can't see as well as she'd like, it's a serious blow, so she shies from that. She's a widow and lives alone, so there's no one "right" there to have spontaneous conversation with. One of her closest friends is battling lupus and is rarely up to going out and doing things (they try to have a monthly movie and lunch date that often has to rescheduled) and her other best friend has Alzheimer's now and no longer knows who mom is when she visits.

I know that there is decline with age, but I want to help her stave that off for as long as possible. She's terrified of ending up like her friend, stuck in a home, not knowing her own friends and family. She's at 99% right now. What can she do to stay there?

Need home health care / home aide in NY

exlotuseater — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 09:07:38 -0800

Help. Please. (Live-in?) Home Health Care in NY. Really long explanation inside. My parents are in their eighties, dad had a triple bypass in April or so and mom has a whole bunch of problems. Mom was hospitalized (sepsis from a massive UTI) in June of this year, and was sent to sub-acute rehabilitation afterwards; her situation is complicated because she has Rheumatoid Arthritis (a particularly bad case) and the loss of muscle tone from being in the hospital really set her back. She has had a bunch or recurrent infections, UTI's, Clostridium difficile, etc, and so bounced back and forth between the hospital and the rehab. It seems that she's finally ready to come home, and I need some advice.
They both live in an Independent living set-up (continental breakfast, full sit down dinner, linen service, cleaning once a week) and they are going to continue to do this until they absolutely must leave--obviously, assisted living or nursing home is the next step, but my concern is quality of life, and everyone seems to agree that this will be best served by having a full-time aide.
Right now, my mother will need help getting dressed in the morning, help with showering, perhaps toileting, transferring from bed to wheelchair and back. Maybe other, unforeseen issues as well. She can walk ~80 feet right now, but otherwise she moves around by shuffling around in one of those "transfer wheelchairs" (I think that's what they're called--the ones with four little wheels). She might only need someone in the morning and at night, but I'm guessing that with toileting and whatnot, it's more likely that she'll need someone all the time, at least for now.
They are making a move from one apartment to another, larger one within the same facility; there will be a small den for an aide with another bed, nightstand, bureau for clothes.
The aide does not need to be a nurse, although a CNA would be good. Dad needs a little help too, as he's slowing down cognitively--medicine management, etc.
My questions include, how much can we expect to pay for this service? Would getting two aides to cover two shifts be better and potentially cheaper than one live-in aide? What have your experiences been with live-in help? What agencies do you know of in NY, specifically Suffolk County, Long Island? I am getting references from people in-house (all of whom I mostly trust in terms of quality, I just don't know about cost, what's "fair" or exorbitant. It is also my understanding that, depending upon the discharge plan, Medicare might pay for all or some of the aide service if mom has an outpatient rehabilitation plan or concurrent qualified nursing care (which she might need.)

I'm sorry if this question seems incoherent or rambling; I'm the only child (no other relatives who can really do anything, I'm an MA grad student who lives 150 miles away from them, I'm taking classes, I'm a TA with my own class, I work a second job, and I have been in a state of complete crisis for the past seven months trying to take care of everything, driving back and forth every week. (Also in the midst of dealing with an Elder Law Atty, we're trying to get mom's medicaid app. going). I'm not intending to sound dramatic or histrionic, I'm telling it like it is--in fact, things actually seem like they are calming down a little, I'm just trying to organize everything from the apartment move to the aide vetting, and I'm really just looking for your advice and experience.

*breathe*

I have a midterm tonight, so I will be studying like a madman, but I will check into the thread as often as possible to provide clarification and feedback to anyone who might offer advice.

Thank you so much MeFi.

Help me fulfill my grizzled potential

chesty_a_arthur — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 08:19:11 -0800

Aging-gracefully-Filter: Tell me about successfully growing out medium-to-long grey hair without looking ridiculous. I'm 30. I work in Web site product marketing. I want to grow my 30-50% grey hair out without looking dumb while it's happening and without looking really old when it's done. Has anyone done this successfully? What were the stages, how did you handle the inevitable look of being unkempt, and what was the result like?

I really like the current color of my hair (auburn) but I can't really afford the time and money to keep it up, so it looks great for about a week every time I dye it, and like a frizzled orange mess thereafter. It's incredibly dry and 3b curly with curls ranging in size from dime-diameter to much larger.

Extra points if you can reassure me that it's not going to make me look like an irrelevant old has-been to my colleagues or future employers. (In other words, tell me how hot your grey hair is!)