Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with affection

Help me stop holding back.

Xere — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 10:32:29 -0800

How can I be more affectionate? I always worry that any of my attempts at affection come across as clingy, and this probably makes me seem distant. Also: how to let go of my inhibitions, and love hard? I keep worrying about getting hurt, and tell myself that if I don't fall completely in love, then I won't get hurt badly. So I've met this guy, and he's wonderful. Problem is, I don't think I'm reciprocating enough. No, he hasn't ever said or implied anything to say so. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit distant. I don't want to be distant. And I do try! But it's difficult.

I know that it's silly to have the mindset of don't fall in love = you won't get hurt. I keep telling myself that it's better to love fully, rather than some halfassed attempt. But it's still not working, at least not entirely. I find myself shrinking back sometimes, and not being sure if it's okay for me to lean my head onto a shoulder, if I should hug or kiss at this moment, etc.

On affection: other people seem to be able to hug and kiss spontaneously, and send cute text messages. I can't. I do try, but it's difficult. I only seem to be able to follow the lead - wait for him to make the first move, then I'll copy. I find myself too embarrassed to put myself out there, to make the first move. I don't dare make the phone call just to say hi - it seems weird. What if we don't have anything to talk about?

I don't know. I guess I'm not quite sure what I'm asking, or what plate of beans I'm overthinking. I guess - what kind of mindset should I be having? What can I keep telling myself, to stop myself from holding back?

Chihuahua knows the nose

arniec — Tue, 05 May 2009 19:28:26 -0800

Why does my dog want to eat our snot? Straight out of our noses! I have two Chihuahuas, one male one female. And the female has a weird obsession with sticking her tongue as far up our nose as she can. She has done this since we bought her, so I don't know if this was a game at her birth-household, but when we are sitting on the sofa she will leap up on our lap or, if reclining, our chest and attack our faces with fast licks, and the licks start off all over the face, but will in less than 30 seconds become focused on the nose, and then she will start probing her tongue up the nose, even craning her neck to be below your nose for a better angle.

Of course this is NOT something we encourage. She has done it to my wife, to me, and to my father in law when he was dogsitting for us. Our methods of deterrence are fairly mild, by trying gentling methods such as saying "settle" in soothing tones (when possible...if you talk she will many times try to stick her tongue in our mouth as well). Often we end up covering our mouth and nose, and she tries to nuzzle her way in under the hand. She is persistent, agile, and quite industrious about getting under hands, and we really wonder WHY.

She seems to be so happy to be seeing us, to be with us, and it seems like a sign of affection so we have not punished her as hard as we would for, say, not being housebroken or chewing things she shouldn't. But it is something we have to be on the defensive of as it's quite unpleasant if she does succeed in penetrating our nostrils.

So why does she do it, and is there a way to stop it without really deterring her from showing any affection to us at all?

Let's get physical, but not that kind of physical...

pipstar — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 06:19:53 -0800

I've just left a relationship in which I was having great sex, but not experiencing enough non-sexual physical affection from my partner. It really made me aware of how much I need physical contact such as hugs, and knowing that there's a living body near me. How can I get more of that feeling of physical affection without actually hooking up with someone? Independent of specifically missing the good things about my ex, I'm also aware that I'm going to miss the warmth, skin, pulse and general "livingness" that you feel from a lover.

I'm not planning on hooking up with anyone for a while. However, I know that this longing for contact is one of the things that has previously led me to have casual hookups before I was ready for anything sexual. This time around I'd really like to avoid that situation.

I have an amazing flatmate who by nature is a great hugger, so I'm not totally bereft of hugs when I need them, and I have hug generous friends. But there's an extra sustained living presence that you can't get from hugs alone.

At this point I can't afford to pay for massages and we aren't allowed pets in our apartment, otherwise I'd consider getting a cat for lap sitting happy times.

Any suggestions? Or do I just need to be reminded that this is part and parcel of being single and learn to deal with it?

silly, clueless girl in need of help parsing male behavior

faeuboulanger — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 21:06:32 -0800

Public physical contact: what does it mean? (silly overanalyzing girl filter) The guy I'm dating always seems to want to have a hand on me in some way: on my back when we're walking, around my shoulders, holding my arm or hand, or on my knee if we're sitting, etc. I don't mind it at all (he never takes it to gross, excessive PDA-land), but I've never had a boyfriend be so overtly physically affectionate in public or seem to want constant contact. Does anyone have any thoughts regarding what this indicates? Is it possessive, sexual, or just affectionate? Some combination? None of the above? I realize it's silly to think about this and I'm in no way complaining, but I am curious.

How can a somewhat solitary guy meet a need for hugs and human contact?

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:25:53 -0800

How can a somewhat solitary guy meet a need for hugs and human contact? Hi. I'm a 30's guy. Like a lot people on here I'm sure, I think I have autistic or geeky tendencies. I like spending time alone working on my own projects, learning things and am not really attracted to social scenes. I spent my late teens and twenties trying to do clubbing and meeting people, and it's just not really me. I'm not particularly into any traditional geek pasttimes either.

Funnily enough, I can sometimes pass for normal particularly with women. I look alright and the girls seem to like me, and when i've tried the flirting game I've got a lot of interest.

Where's this going? Well I have intense physical longing for hugs and intimacy, but I don't have any female friends (I hug my male friends on the odd occasion, but it's not the same kind of emotional connection), but I don't necessarily want or click with any 'meeting people' scenes. Having this kind of underlying need can also be counterproductive, although I don't act needy.

I really feel the need for a close, huggy kind of friendship with a gal, but I'm just not on a lot of people's wavelength, and it feels wrong to develop close friendships when I might not want to keep spending time with someone.

This need has led me into some stupid and or dark places, paying for sex, sleeping with people I don't want to, or leading girls on to get attention from them.

It seems weird to try and address this as a need that needs to be met, as after all you want to hug a person that you like not just someone that happens to be there. However, I experience this need somewhat seperately from the need some people have to be social or meet new people, which makes it difficult.

So I hope you understand my rambling and I'm grateful for any suggestions for how to make myself feel better.

My email is browneyedhugmammal@gmail.com in case you need it.

To anticipate some possible answers, I have done lots of therapies and made a lot progress in myself, but I don't feel this can be 'cured' by therapy and also, I've seen the threads on 'how to meet people' etc, but feel my problem comes a bit before that stage.

Thanks.

To A Near-Disabling Extent, I Wear the Opposite of Rose-Colored Glasses

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:51:26 -0800

I see the world, and all in it, as something vicious and ready to attack me, and that influences far too much stuff in my life. Help. As a pre-adolescent and young adolescent, I was badly bullied; one bully was so out of control he went away for a few weeks to a mental health facility; in another case, older Scouts in my Scout troop did such things as shitting in my sleeping bag, as well as worse things I just can't remember. As an older adolescent, my family saw bankruptcy and foreclosure thanks to unethical actions by people my father worked with. I remember feeling so helpless to stop the world's attack of my family, trying to do small ineffective shit to try to help my family (dishes, vacuum, etc.), trying to talk Mom down from her sobs. At college, I was stuck on a geographically remote campus (30 minutes from even a diner) and while there they destroyed any confidence I had in myself.

The problem is that I expect the worst from everyone I ever interact with, and from Fate. It colors everything everyday. If we have a pleasant conversation, you're merely tolerating me. I can't rustle up the desire to form new friendships, because if we become friends, something will happen. If you're a girl, you certainly won't think I'm funny, or interesting, or cute. Ask me whether I really believe I'll ever reach any of my Major Goals, or when I last had fun. If something bad can happen, it will. When the worst happens, I take it as confirmation. When it doesn't happen, it doesn't really penetrate; I simply grimly prepare for the next shot. My rational mind can and does counterargument, but it's not a match for the feeling, it just lessens it. Occasionally.

This issue's been so stubborn it's made therapy last years: perhaps because when something bad happens in my life, big or small, that part of me seizes upon it as "evidence" it's right, reinforcing itself.

What do I ask? Well, how can I go about really disabling this thing, since it's so well-planted in my head, coming from so early in my life? It's not part of the back-and-forth thoughts I hear myself think; it seems to be part of the inherent, automatic assumptions I make about everything around me (on the same level as "the sky is blue," just assumed). Others got help breaking their lifelong self-delusions here; I'm hoping to get the same kind of advice.

I want to start assuming the best of people, and view new possibilities with freshness and the desire to explore, not thinking everything is predisposed to end badly. I'd like to be as confident in others' friendship (or maybe love) as I am in my cat's affection: feel that same peaceful security in others.

I'm at UtterlyAnonymousEmailAddress [at] gmail dot com, if needed. Thanks in advance.

A kiss is just a kiss

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:05:14 -0800

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? I'm ~3 months into a relationship with a girl I'm smitten over. Unfortunately, it's the most G-rated, nonphysical relationship I've ever been in. The same for her, probably, as she's had lots of sex before me. Our relationship has evolved very little since the first date. I'm worried I'm more the problem than she is.

Both of us have executed few acts of entering the other's personal space. Very little hand-holding: her hands are always somewhere that I can't reach them without a little force, like the purse strap. Kissing happens only at the end of dates, and they're split-second short. (The exception is last Sunday, when I couldn't take it anymore and asked her outright for a nice kiss. 'Sure,' she said, and it was so.) No making out and sex, by corollary.

For someone who's had way more experience than I've had, I'm stumped why this relationship has basically stalled. I'm more than happy to wait indefinitely for sex, but no other forms of affection have come to fill the void. I'm the source of most of it, and I don't even do that much because I stress out about what she'd think. In a theatre I managed to reach over and give her a quick body squeeze before bailing out. She's been to my apartment once (it was early on and she knew I wouldn't pull any moves; we talked the entire time), but I don't know if I could ask her over again. I feel like she'd interpret it as a push for sex, which may or may not be the case, who knows. (Which is an interesting side question: how does one pose this invitation?) I used to be the exact opposite: with past GFs, I wouldn't shut up about how much I 'loved' them. In hindsight it was totally creepy.

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? What can I do to improve myself or get her to understand how I feel about her lack of response? Bringing up the desire for a good kiss is one thing, but I can't keep doing it for squeezing, hand-holding, first base, etc.

(Please don't suggest that I DTMFA. I know it sounds like she's cold and uninterested in me. I'm sure she enjoys my company very much. What we lack in physicality we make up verbally: we spend six hour stretches just talking and having fun.)

Toucha-toucha-toucha touch me

Ndwright — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 02:06:39 -0800

How do I go about finding platonic physical affection? Due to a lifestyle that involves lots of travelling and an awkwardness with meeting people, it's been about 19 months since I've had any kind of physical affection with much of anything and it's driving me up the wall at the moment. I hear that a pet is one solution, but not only do I not like pets, my travels prevent me from owning one. Any suggestions on finding someone/thing to touch?

I specify platonic because I find one-night stands dissatisfying, plus it's hard to start a relationship when you simultaneously have difficulty meeting people and don't live in any one place for more than eight months.

My cat's gone mad with love!

aburd — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 12:43:56 -0800

My cat demands constant affection. When she doesn't get it she screams and pushes herself against me. It is cute for short periods of time but recently she has become even more vocal and more needy. It's to the point that if I'm on the phone she is screaming in the background. If I have company she is in their face trying to get attention unless I am constantly petting her. How can I help her and help my sanity? I realize this question is selfish but it's an issue that is bothering me. I love my cat. She's sweet and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. But she is crazy needy. If she is laying on me she slowly works her way up my body until her face is right next to mine licking my face. I used to try and let her wear herself out with the licking or whatever but it doesn't really work. She just keeps going. If I have company over she jumps in everyone's lap and presses her face into their hands until she is getting petted. She licks them compulsively. It can be offputting for my company. Every one who meets her says that she is not like any cat they have ever seen.

So I have started to think that she might have an imbalance of some sort. But in researching online every imbalance that I've read about seems to present itself by cats being less social not more social. Every vet I've seen laughs off my concern and says that it is a good sign that she acts this way. I don't think they understand the extent of the affection. It is constant, loud, and sometimes odd.

For a bit of background on the cat, the lady from whom I got her says she was sitting on a bench in the park and my cat was screaming under the bench. She was very young at this point and undernourished. This nice lady took her in and got her healthy. The lady had me housesit for my cat and 2 other cats for about a year and a half. When she moved she couldn't take all of her animals and I got Julie because I got along with her wonderfully. Her needs have grown as I have had her and it is getting to a point that I think she might need help. I have one other cat but they don't really play much.

Any help or thoughts or stories about similar situations would help!

Help me overthink sex and romance.

bubukaba — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:35:49 -0800

What are some good books/essays/articles about human sexuality, sexual and romantic relationships, and sexual or otherwise affection-entangled activity - with an emphasis on the theoretical? I'm thinking more along the lines of Judith Butler than The Joy of Sex - so suggestions should be at least vaguely academic. (Things like Leaves of Grass count as vaguely academic). I'm asking for personal, not academic reasons - I'd like all the seemingly irrational stuff surrounding the emotional, social, psychological (and so on) aspects of this sort of thing to make more sense to me (or at least I'd like the fact that they're irrational to make more sense...).

In spite of my namedropping in the above-cut FPP, I haven't read much on these subjects, so even the most basic suggestions are welcome.

Word for affectionate squeezing hazard?

Tubes — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 22:36:22 -0800

And I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George! Somewhere I read that there was a specific word in some language to describe the feeling of restraining overwhelming affection because the urge to hug and squeeze with all one's might could actually harm the subject, e.g. puppies, infants, petite girlfriends. I've searched all over with no luck. Ring any bells?

Blame the caffeine for all the 5 a.m. phone calls

Phire — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 21:07:31 -0800

[Insecure Female Filter] Help me feel less clingy when asking for affection from or even just displaying it to my more stoic significant other. Back story & lots We have been going out for a bit over a year, after being friends for over two years. We're both in a rather vigorous academic program. Thanks also to extracurriculars on both our parts, we tend not to see each other more than once a week or once every two weeks outside of school, although we do share two high-stress classes.

I'm the “Let's tell everything to my diary in exceeding emotional detail!” type, whereas he is more of the “I'm okay, why wouldn't I be?” type. He's always been incredibly receptive when I'm feeling neglected/insecure, and we're usually pretty good about communicating and solving issues.

My current problem is two-fold:

1. Winter Holidays and the bit of free time it gave us led to an increase in time spent together, both in person and online/on the phone. With a week left before school starts and assignments becoming a real threat rather than a distant shadow, most if not all of the increased closeness has ceased. We're back to keeping an MSN window open and typing maybe one or two lines every ten minutes, etc. While I understand that this is natural and assume that this is a byproduct of stress, the transition is painful (as it was when we switched from summer to school)

2. It seems as though I'm the only one who feels this strain, and even though he is, as I've mentioned, receptive when I have a problem, I always feel guilty if I bring a problem of this nature up with him. Though I do understand that people simply have different needs, and he may not see either the decline in communication OR me bringing said decline up as a problem, I hate feeling like I'm the one causing any/all unpleasantness in our otherwise healthy and happy relationship.

If I take to being affectionate to make up for the gap, though, it feels like I'm bothering him, or like his replies/reciprocations are cursory and obligatory. Having mentioned this sort of problem before, I don't think this is necessarily the case... he is simply more stoic than I am, and perhaps in less need of explicit affection. I do not think this is a “deal breaker”, so MeFites, I would love your input on what I can do to reduce my feelings of clinginess/guilt for needing more affection. I'm normally a very independent person with an active life outside of school and this relationship, so the breakdown of rational thought concerning this issue is irritating to no end.

Thanks!!

Tidbit worth noting: Upon giving the draft for this question to a friend to check over, she makes the observation that this seems to be "a perpetual issue". Make of this what you will. =)

I Need Love! (Boyfriend withdrawing affection.)

Teevee's Bella — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 22:13:43 -0800

My depressed boyfriend is withdrawing affection; I'm miserable. My boyfriend and I have been together, long-distance, for almost four years: we began as best friends, and ended up in love.

For the most part, it's been the most fulfilling, most profound (romantic) relationship I've ever been in; he and I connect on every level that counts. He's always been an incredibly loving, affectionate, attentive partner who makes me feel like the luckiest woman on the planet; when we're together, he treats me like a queen (as trite as that may sound), and even when we're not, he still manages to make me feel like the most loved woman alive. At least he did, until recently...

He graduated college in June, and, after taking the summer off to spend with me, he began job-hunting in September and we agreed that I would move out there as soon as we could both afford it. It was a few weeks later that he commenced searching more seriously. Because he's an aspiring graphic designer in Seattle, an area saturated with graphic designers, he's been having trouble finding work and this has lead him to become increasingly depressed. (I posted about this a month or so ago; it's a whole 'nother tale of woe.)

Over the last two months, my sweet, protective, loving boyfriend has become sullen, apathetic and -- worst of all -- emotionally withdrawn. I can't remember the last time he was openly affectionate. Prior to this, in all the years we've been together, he's always addressed me using pet names -- from the generic ("sweetie," "baby," etc.) to the personal (nicknames he's given me). That's stopped completely. For a couple in a long-distance relationship, terms of endearment and other forms of verbal affection are crucial, since it's all we have to sustain us between visits.

I've remained as supportive as possible of his job search and his ensuing depression, in spite of the fact that it feels like he's pushing me away. I've turned myself inside out being girlfriend/therapist/career counselor for two months; I've also suggested actual therapy (something he mentioned himself once back when I was visiting him in October), but now that he's in the throes of this depression, he's not receptive to the idea.

Recently, I decided to address this particular issue with him (as I've already tried to discuss the prolonged depression and its impact on our relationship, mostly to no avail). I wanted him to know how I've been feeling, to understand that while he may know he loves me and believe that I should, too, a woman still needs to feel loved, and right now, I don't... and it's hurting me. His response, in short, was that his feelings for me haven't changed, that he's just distracted with job-hunt stress and things of that nature and not feeling particularly inclined to be affectionate right now. The conversation spanned a couple of nights because I'd finally reached my breaking point. After that, I noticed a couple of minor changes: he made an effort to call me earlier in the day and more often (like he had before), and he started saying "I love you" a little more frequently without being prompted (by me saying it first, every time, as I have been for the last two months) when we said our final goodnight. But he's still not using any pet names, and he still feels "off" to me. I know my guy, and I really do believe that this is about his general malaise and depression and not about me. But I miss my boyfriend. The man in his body isn't him right now and I'm tired of being the only one making any effort to keep this relationship off life-support for the last couple of months. The worst part of all is that, as far as he's concerned, things between us are fine. I'm the only one suffering, thanks to his extended bad mood (to put it mildly).

I love this man more than anything in the world; before the depression, he was all I could ask for in a partner. But now it's been two months, with no end in sight, and I'm being worn down. I feel like my reserves of energy have been depleted; I have my own stresses to deal with, so I'm doing double-duty, carrying both his and mine. Right now, the relationship feels very one-sided, with me doing all of the giving. I don't want to give up on this guy, but I need to know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Any advice or insights? How can I make my boyfriend step outside himself long enough to see that he's not the only one his depression is hurting?

(This is the nutshell version, so I'm sure it probably won't sound quite as serious as it is... but I hope you can get the general picture.)

Reading into my cat's nose bumps

TwilightKid — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 14:26:18 -0800

Just curious. If I am sitting on my couch, or lying on my chair, sometimes my cat will come up to me and bump noses with me. I recognize this as a sign of affection or a friendly greeting. Sometimes, it is a prolonged (4-5 second) nose bump.....Now if I should happen to approach my cat who is an another part of the room, and initiate a nose bump, will my cat look at it as a greeting/ form of affection, or will she be thinking 'what is this guy doing?'... Is it a two way street? Or do they only accept affection in forms of scratching their head and behind their ears?........is the prolonged nose bump their way of being super affectionate? I have researched several websites on cat behavior, but havent found a answer close enough to what i was looking for....

I actually said, "honey, will you just hug me for 5 seconds?"

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 21:29:42 -0800

sameoldrelationshipstuff filter: Like many of us, I have fears about my relationship. Does she really love me? etc. One thing that's starting to drive me crazy is that I want more affection than she wants to give. I know everyone is different, blah blah blah, but just so I can have some perspective, can you guys tell me: how often do you smooch your sweety? Do you tell him you love him every day? Do you expect a hug when he gets home from work? If he asks you for some attention - do you give it to him, or run the other way? Help me understand what is normal - or at least average!

How do I show affection?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Aug 2006 17:28:10 -0800

I have a female friend who is having a hard time. I'd like to show my affection and support. Unfortunately, I'm a guy, so everything risks to be misread as attempts to hit on her. That's not what I want. Also, I'm not really good at these things. What should I do?