Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with advice

What exactly is Patton Oswalt saying?

pwally — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 16:49:38 -0800

Last week I read the graduation speech Patton Oswalt gave to the kids at his former high school, and it's been marinating, but I'd like to make sure I'm understanding his advice in the very best way possible. At the end he wrote that "reputation, posterity and cool = fear"... on one level I can see that as being true, yet would it really be a good idea to abandon those things?

And then he wrote: "there is no them."

While that sounds profound and I'm actually attracted to the advice purely based on it's aesthetic, I'm going to go ahead and admit that I have no idea what it means.

How to read PDF files on Amazon Kindle?

omaralarifi — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:30:24 -0800

How to read PDF files on Amazon Kindle? If your answer in which I have to convert it to whatever file type(s), then please guide me in step by step process (in details if possible) to fully read PDF files in my Amazon Kindle.
Thanks

Your thoughts on upcoming Amsterdam visit, pls?

filmgeek — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 22:18:58 -0800

Where to stay in Amsterdam? Fun times, easy and inexpensive (see inside)...help? I'm due to take about four days of vacation on my way back home in Amsterdam early in August. I'd like to have 'fun' (red light district to gawk, not to patronize, but everything else is fair game)...but I don't know about the hotel/location/fun.

First, I'm not sure in what part of the city I should aim to stay? I want to be able to be near fun (but not 'frat boy', drink till you puke fun), which leads to...

Second, I need something more secure than a hostel, but not a 4 star hotel (is it best to contact them directly? Or use an online booking site? I'm in the states - and know of Kayak, hotels.com, etc.) Any advice here? I'm looking for a 2-3 star hotel. Ideas? I'm mostly concerned about my laptop. A hotel with free wifi would be great

Any recommendations of things *not to be missed*. Yes, I know - anne frank, van gogh...but how about a specific shop (coffee or otherwise), or a place where the people are really friendly. I'm willing to pose as a canadian if necessary.) Assume I've read the prior questions on Amsterdam.

related meetup here.

Is he text-book material?

neblina_matinal — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:35:47 -0800

My friend's boyfriend sucks. She knows that, but she doesn't seem to realize how serious it is. Please help me help her. I should start by saying this is not one of those "oh I don't like my friend's boyfriend, how do I tell her to get rid of him". No. That specific decision is hers to make. I'm completely comfortable giving her some hard to hear advice which she asks from me anyway (and I from her), so that bit is not a problem.

So my friend M. has had a boyfriend, J., for 7 months now. They've been living together for 6 months. As you can gather from that, their relationship escalated very quickly - he's her first real boyfriend, he was in a lot of financial trouble at the time (and still is, for that matter) and about to loose his place, so they shacked up.

From the get-go this guy sounded like a very odd person - he told her he "knows" what people think, that's he's an "excelent" judge of character, that he's highly intelligent (much more so than everybody else he knows), that he can manipulate people into whatever he wants. Everyone, except the people he falls in love with, he said, meaning her. He's fucked up in the head, I thought to myself.

He is depressed. Or at least that's what he told the doctor who wrote his medical leave (unexplained rashes, panic attacks, mood swings, all of it true). He was on a medical leave for 2 months, got back to work and that same day quit his job. This was one month ago. Since the start M. has picked up all the bills (rent, food, cable, etc), and she's always done all the housework. He sits at home all day scratching his nuts. A big part of the problem is he claims he's not depressed. He says it's just a "bad patch". He's on Xanax for this "bad patch", but refuses to see a therapist because there's nothing wrong with him. He blames everything wrong with his life on other people, however illogical his reasoning. He's now taken to insulting some of her friends for no real reason other than he's such a great judge of character (she's point-blank told him to not badmouth her friends, or leave - yay M - and no, I'm not his target). He claims he doesn't get a job because he's too good for any of them. I believe he actually used the words "too special". He doesn't have any real friends of his own apart from a few internet acquaintances.

Today she told me they had this conversation (or something similar, I can only imagine it went worse than she told me):

(They were home. He's sitting behind the computer, she's doing some house chore)
J.: Don't interrupt me for the next 10 minutes. Under no circumstances! I'm betting a lot of money on internet scratch cards!
M. (a bit annoyed I'm sure, but still less than she should be): Okay...
[20 minutes later]
M.: So, how'd it go?
J.: How did it go? Well, obviously I lost. And it was all your fault! Your "okay" annoyed me, and I didn't win because I was annoyed. It's always the same fucking thing.
At which point she went into another room, not because she's a wimp but because they fight all the time and another go at it seemed pointless. I also think she didn't realize how seriously deluded his speach was.
[Another 20 minutes later]
J.: Babe! Where are you? I won! I knew it! I knew I was going to win, so I bet some more money, and I won! Give us a smooch!
M.: (rolling her eyes): Yeah. Great.

M. knows the relationship is going south, she really does. She's in love with him, and has invested a lot into it. She doesn't want to loose, and I totally understand. We've all been in a sinking ship, giving it just one more minute to see if it keeps afloat before it actually goes under. Thing is, I think he's starting to mess her up way too much with his shitty psycho attitude. I'm no shrink, but I really think he needs serious help, which he completely refuses. She seems to believe him, she still believes she can help him out. I'm sure they have good moments, otherwise there would be no doubt in her mind, but she's a different person now, not for the better, and she has realized this. She knows he's bringing her down - but not quite just how down, I don't think.

So, here's the question part: MeFi, I want to provide her with a bunch of articles (online would be most helpful, but if there's a perfect book out there I'll go for it) that help her understand how serious his situation is. Like I said, I'm not a therapist, so I have no idea if his behaviour adds up to anything text-booky or not (does it?), but I do know the delusions of gradeur and the warped externalization cannot be good. Articles about how you can't help someone who doesn't want you to would also be good, and if they delved a bit into why it is people deny what's so obvious to others (fear of failure, etc) it'd be even better. She's asked me for help with this, so it's not like I'm going to drop these in an e-mail with a DTMFA note attached. I'm not going to tell her to dump him at all (although I'm pretty sure she knows that's where I stand), I just want her to fully open her eyes to the whole situation. There's obviously much more going on, but if you've read this far, I wish I could give you a cookie. It's more of the same crap, really, in different scenarios. Or worse.

Thank you. I do apologize for the length.

Do I speak now, or forever hold my peace?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 06:44:00 -0800

My otherwise sensible sister seems to be rushing into an ill-thought-out marriage. Is there any loving and effective way to get her to think more carefully about what she's doing? It's the age-old story: little sister, six years my junior (we'll call her "Jules") just got engaged to her college boyfriend ("Ron") of two years; family and friends are dismayed. Not that the guy's an axe-murderer or anything; he's just young (23), immature and not especially motivated-- lives with his mom, still stays out until 4AM with the boys, shows up hours late for stuff, is perpetually broke, etc. Ron's currently deciding between three wildly different career paths (think comp-lit grad school in Europe vs. adventure tourism vs. full-time firefighting) and says he doesn't really care what he ends up doing, because "he's sure he'd be fine with any job." He seems to have expended minimal effort/thought on the proposal ("Here, have a ring. Wanna get married?"), and before the engagement, he told me that he doesn't have any particular desire to marry Jules anytime soon, but thought she'd expect to get engaged as a sign of commitment at this point in their relationship. All of this is perfectly fine for an average dude in the throes of post-college cluelessness, but for the guy who's going to be my sister's husband...eesh.

I wouldn't say that Ron and Jules are desperately in love: they were long-distance for the past year and saw each other a total of five times, despite there being only a three-hour drive between them. From what I've seen, the relationship doesn't make her especially happy, at least compared with ones she's had in the past. Unfortunately, my sister, while equally young, is also kind of a planner-- organized, forward-thinking, eager to get her ducks in a row. I know she had a private deadline to be married before her mid-twenties, and I'm worried she may be trying to shoehorn Ron into her existing set of life plans, without giving much thought to how things will actually work out.

We'd hoped she'd figure it out in the course of a long engagement-- or else that the wait would give Ron time to grow from dazed, downy fledgling into solid future husband-- but now Jules is talking about putting deposits down for a wedding this coming spring. (Ron may not have wanted so soon a date, but he's very much the follower in the relationship, and I have no doubt he'd go through with a wedding whenever Jules wanted.) She's got whole spreadsheets full of plans for flowers and dresses and hors-d'oeuvres, but the details of life *after* the wedding-- financial, emotional, logistical-- don't appear to be much on either her or Ron's mind.

My question is, as someone who loves Jules like, well, a sister, what's my best course of action here? When I got married earlier this year, Jules was a fantastically supportive and helpful maid-of-honor. She's clearly hurt that people aren't showing the same level of enthusiasm for her upcoming wedding, and seems to want me me to show support of the wholehearted, "squee!!-let's-plan-a-wedding!" variety. And like most little sisters, she's touchy about direct advice. On the other hand, I'm probably her closest female friend (as she is mine), so if anyone's going to be able to deliver a tactful nudge in the direction of sanity, it might be me. Since we're of a religion that frowns on divorce, there's a chance that the standard ill-advised early-20s wedding could have really long-term consequences in this case.

Above all, I want my sister to be happy, both short- and long-term, if possible. She's usually such a sensible, smart girl, that it breaks my heart to see her potentially screwing up her life like this. Do I bite my tongue and support her in this, while risking possibly enabling or promoting a really bad decision? Is there some subtle way to raise the obvious issues without alienating her?

Any follow-up questions, email sistertojules@gmail.com. Thanks!

Please help me help my friend.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 12:05:17 -0800

My friend has just confided that her new husband is often verbally abusive, and occasionally physically abusive. I honestly don't know how to help. My friend (call her Leah) and her husband (call him Rob) have a fairly intense relationship. They argue a lot- he's older than her and has been single a long time, so his ability to compromise has perhaps been compromised- plus he has a bit of a "lose temper, then repress it and move on" way of dealing with conflict. On the other hand, she likes to talk everything out immediately, lengthily, and sometimes loudly, which means she sometimes gets in his face and forces him to talk even when he wants to leave. There's a bit of an ongoing power struggle in the marriage. She's physically tiny; he's large and a trained boxer who loves hunting and martial arts.

Several times during their 3-year courtship, and now almost 2-year marriage, she hinted to me that he can be a little scary when he loses his temper and that he can be cruel and sometimes call her names. I didn't take the hint (oh, the guilt). Last week, she hinted at it again and admitted that when he's mad he calls her a c*nt. Woah. I finally took the hint and asked if he had ever hit her and she just burst into tears.

So as far as I know, there have been only two moments of physical abuse:
Once, before the marriage, they were arguing and he shoved her so hard that she hit her head on a doorframe. The second time was very soon after the wedding, when they had a huge screaming match. He tried to leave the room, she barred his way, yelling & swearing at him (the first & only time she ever treated him the way he habitually treats her), and he slapped her.

He outweighs her by a good 100 lbs. Since the slap he hasn't hit her but they fight a lot, and she says she doesn't trust him and is scared of him. Understandable.

What do I do?

He has a gun license and a number of hunting rifles in a locked gun cabinet in their apartment. She believes that if she tells a therapist about him hitting her, the therapist will be obligated to have his gun license revoked, and she can't imagine being the one who takes away the hobby by which he defines himself. I don't think the guns are an obvious threat to her safety- they're in a locked cabinet and as far as I can tell, in his mind, they are definitely for hunting game- but I would hate to plan my next action on a hope like that and, God forbid, be proved wrong.

They've been married such a short time, and when their marriage is good they seem to be a perfect match. But he has a deeply chauvinistic streak and a violent temper, and she's a firebrand feminist whose method of dealing with conflict seems to really get his back up.

After the slap, he agreed to do an anger management home work program, but he let it fall away after barely making a dent in it. They saw a few marriage counsellors but as soon as each professional agreed with Leah, Rob suddenly didn't like that therapist any more. To his credit, she says Rob told her after the slap to take whatever action she felt necessary, and that he wouldn't be mad if she told people about it- but Leah was so ashamed that she didn't tell anyone until now, over a year later. Rob told only one person, their close mutual friend, who's a professional therapist- and for some reason, that woman never mentioned it to Leah at all, even though she and Leah are close friends.

Leah says I'm the only person she's told because she didn't want her friends to hate Rob, and she really wants to try to save the marriage. I believe she's deeply in love with him, and when things are good, I can see why. But on the other hand, I actually don't like him that much, even before finding out about the abuse- I think he's childish, petulant, selfish, and lacks self-awareness. For instance, when she told him, "Calling me a c*nt is verbally abusive," he responded, "Well you abuse me, too." (I honestly believe her when she says she doesn't; she says the worst thing she ever tells him is that he's acting like a child.)

So.... I really, really hope they split up, and soon. But that's her decision to make. In the meantime, how can I be a good friend to her?

So far, I've told her:
It's not her fault,
It's ok if the marriage doesn't work out, she doesn't have to tell people why unless she wants to, and nobody will judge her for it,
To think of the advice she'd give me if I told her my partner had slapped me (she'd have my suitcases packed inside an hour),
To let him leave the room during fights because it might be his last resort of self-control, and maddening as it is, it's better to be ignored than punched,
I gave her my housekey and told her my house was hers at any time, day or night,
and to take every precaution to avoid getting pregnant.

What else can I do? I can't stop thinking about this.
Thanks.

Private responses can go to how.can.i.help.her@gmail.com.

fun things to do alone in Chicago?

mustcatchmooseandsquirrel — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 08:31:56 -0800

What should I do alone in Chicago? I'm going to be in Chicago July 17-22 with my boyfriend. We already have plans to go to the Art Institute, bum around Michigan Avenue, go to the Signature Lounge, see Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, eat at delicious restaurants, wander through some neighborhoods, and go to some parks.

What I am looking for is something (inexpensive) to do on Saturday while my boyfriend is hipstering around the Pitchfork Music Festival and for other times when he is hanging out with some of his friends that I'd prefer not to spend too much time with (I can't handle hours of indie-rock talk!).

Suggestions for interesting places to sit and read would be nice if nothing else comes to mind. Also, I wouldn't be opposed to renting a bicycle and biking around the city but I am scared of super busy streets so bike route suggestions would also be welcome.

What should we do in San Diego over the 4th of July weekend?

jacobm — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 22:02:13 -0800

My girlfriend and I are visiting San Diego over the 4th of July weekend. What should we do and see? Are there any special 4th of July events we shouldn't miss? And what about good vegetarian restaurants? We're staying in the Gaslight district, but we'll have a car so we'll be able to get around to other places if necessary.

What are some polite ways to remind people of things?

rhyax — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 08:00:15 -0800

What are some polite ways to remind people of pending workplace tasks? I work in a situation where people request software modifications etc, we make the changes and then they have to approve them before they get implemented in the real system. This is painful, as they sit on the approvals forever. They are very busy people, and frequently the change is not their top priority. They are also sometimes very important people in terms of workplace position etc. What is a good way to remind these people of open tasks that require their action without seeming like a nag? I don't want them to forget, (this does happen) but at the same time, the timeline is ultimately up to them.

For those about to work

nuclear_soup — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:42:44 -0800

What do you wish you knew when you started working? I graduated from college in May, and I'm starting my first Grown-Up™ job in August, working in position at a college that has a fair amount of responsibility and pressure. Up until now, I've spent most of my working life in low pressure, part-time jobs in offices and libraries, so I was wondering what you wish you knew when you started you first real jobs, from dealing with co-workers to what to keep in your office.

Should I stay or go?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 20:17:21 -0800

Follow-up to this. So I finally managed to break things off with the one in my class. I had some talks with some other people also and realized that it wasn't good for me, and I was essentially being used. Right now we don't speak at all, which is perfectly fine for me, and I spend my time interacting with everyone else. As for my ex-girlfriend, I did end it with her while I was on vacation, although we still speak online often. This is really what this question is about. We were together for 3 years, and although I initiated the break-up, I am finding being on my own very difficult. She asked me many times for us to try and work things out, but I kept saying that it is healthier for us both to not be together. We haven't been happy since last year October, but had many problems before that, both because of me, and because of her.

Since we broke up, she has had the support of her friends, goes out a lot, does a lot of socializing (we're not in the same country), while I have been here studying, where I have very few friends, and just my brother. She has also begun to start talking (online) quite often with a new guy, and even likes him somewhat she has told me. The guy I know although I don't talk to him often, because we went to high school together.

She says that she is very hurt, and is trying to move on, and that talking to me so much is hurtful towards her, and she can't get back together with me because she can't do the whole separating thing again, it was too difficult.

I broke up with her because I just felt that I could be happier with someone else, and felt it wouldn't be fair to just stay with her until that someone else came along. I also didn't want to feel accountable to someone else for my actions. Additionally, it would be at least a year before we would be able to live together, and it's very hard only seeing the person you love every few months. We also drove each other so nuts sometimes, plus there is absolutely no trust between us. However, I still find myself missing her very very badly, to the point that I can't concentrate on anything.

She also says that she loves me and misses me, and is just trying to move on. What should I do? Am I just feeling this way because some sick part of me wanted her to continue being after me all the time, and now that she is trying to move on it is just making me jealous? Should I disregard my feelings of no accountability, and "the grass is greener on the other side" attitude, and try to get back together with her and mend things? We used to get along perfectly, although that was over a year ago. There are many things about her I love, so many, but there are also many things I don't. But wouldn't I have to compromise any way, and not ever find the perfect person?

I am going home in just over a week and she will still be there. What should I do?

Help Me To Start Drinking Beer

catcatwomanman — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:44:29 -0800

Beer. I've never tried it. Or any other alcohol. And I'll be 39 next week. But I'm ready to start drinking! Where do I start? I'm a married guy with a wife that drinks wine and mixed drinks. I'm by no means poor (a bit tight maybe...) and can easily afford to start buying booze. No religious objections either. I just never got around to drinking, I guess. But being the only guy at parties and social gatherings with a Mountain Dew in hand has grown tiresome - people assume I'm either a religious nut or a recovering drunk.

For reference, I'm a meat and potatoes guy, love starchy food but not so much sweets. Bitter foods are good (I love biting right into a lemon). I've also never tried coffee, smoked anything or taken any kind of illegal drug... But one thing at a time! I'm ready to start drinking, so where do I start?

Fun activities for a couple at home

the_dude — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 07:35:25 -0800

RelationshipFilter: Help me find some good time activities to do at home with a prospective girl friend. Although I'm not very young, I didn't have many relationships -and you can read the gory details of a previous on on ask.MeFi- in the past and I'm a bit inexperienced in this field.

I've been getting pretty close with this girl recently. She's very relaxed, fun and cool in general. She seems to be interested in me as well but is trying to take things slow.

Nevertheless, being the summer, there's not much to do here. She mentioned just going to my place to chill. That's where the problem starts.

My place is pretty dull and bland; a classic urban lonely guy's apartment if you ask me. I've lived in dorms for the past 8 years of my life; I'm more comfortable when I'm either alone or just with lots of people. I rarely spend any quality time at home; I either read or surf while I'm at home.

What I'm worried about is if I invite her to my place; it just might be awkward. Would hive mind recommend some activities for just two people? Any cool games for the Wii or PS3 that's *casually* fun? Board games? It might not be the case and we can just talk for hours as we do most of the time but a few ideas would not hurt.

Thanks everyone in advance. I've always been critical of such questions since it reflects a sense of insecurity but I think hive mind is friendly enough to embrace me as I'm.

Blogging To Get A Job? Advice?

Spurious — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:48:33 -0800

Blogging To Launch A Career Outside Academia? Advice? In a previous life I was in business. However, a few years ago I switched careers and entered a prestigious research PhD program in a semi-hard science while my SO got a professional degree.

I have a few more years until I graduate and while I love my education, school, colleagues, & life, I do not plan on staying in academia after I graduate. Why? Because I am drawn to public policy (related to my field), not erudite ivory tower research. I find the latter interesting, but the former riveting.

The problem is that the faculty and students in my school are ivory-tower folks (nothing wrong with that) and have few connections with people doing actual policy work. To get around this problem, I want to start a blog mixing the research and public policy in my field. The goal of the blog is to learn about policy through writing and social network with people doing policy work.

Ideally, I would blog for the next few years (in addition to my research) and, after graduating, get a job through someone I met through the blog or knew me through the blog.

1.Does anyone have advice on using a blog to launch a career?
2. Know of examples of this type of thing?
3. Got advice of networking through blogs?

Renaissance Communications Man Seeks Advice.

producerpod — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 20:24:44 -0800

Am I a marketer? Am I a flack? Am I lost? Yep. I'm currently the marcomm director at a non-profit agency - the only person in my department. I am a true renaissance man, handling marketing, PR, internal communications, the website (I've hand-coded an entire site), all our graphic design and some video production.

I do it all, and that's kind of the problem. I'm looking to leave for the for-profit world, and I don't know which way to go. Marketing seems to be the best solid profession to get into (I am a family man as well, so pay is a big consideration) but I'm not sure I know what a for-profit marketer would do. Most marketing positions I see seem to be industry-specific as well. The more job descriptions I read, and the more resumes I read of people who are in marketing, the more I realize I may not have any idea how to do that at all - and it's rather depressing.

In my former life, I was a TV news producer in a top ten market, which gives me a lot of solid, basic skills that translate into any industry: team leading, writing, ability to grasp complex topics quickly and translate them into common language, working under HIGH PRESSURE under daily deadlines. When I do the PR part of my current job, it's this background I use, and I have a very easy time dealing with the media. I have no problem speaking on camera, or to large groups of people. I see people making PR mistakes ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I think I should go into for-profit PR based on my journalism background, but I dread working for an agency, calling reporters and producers with forced story ideas from a lame client.

My true passions, though, are graphic design and web design. I love CSS, Flash, XHTML, all things Adobe. I'm told I have a talent for it, but referencing a previous point (I'm a family man, entering my mid-thirties) I'm not sure I can create a new career from it.

Bottom line: How do I leave the non-profit world, and which path do I pursue?

Girlfriend's Mac in a coma

chinese_fashion — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 06:36:18 -0800

Why won't my girlfriend's MacBook start? It went to sleep when we did, last night, and when she got up this morning it was just: BLACK. This MacBook was just bought, brand-new, in November/December 2007. I was up reading MeFi last night, just walked away from it and went to bed. When we got up this morning my lady went to check her e-mail, and the screen was just black and unresponsive. The little white glowing light on the lower right edge (under my right palm, on the front) was on.

We tried all manner of keys, nothing. Held down the power button to shut it off, heard the whine of a drive stopping spinning, the aforementioned white light went dark.

I turned the machine back on, heard the drive spin and the little white light turned back on -- but still, a black and unresponsive screen.

My gf is *super* bummed right now, thinks her computer is dead. I am hopeful -- I think I've seen this happen before and it turned out ok. But what's going ON here? And what can I do to restore my girlfriend's computer ... and her spirits?

Thanks so much, guys ...

Advice Songs

crapples — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:27:52 -0800

I need songs that give advice for a mix I'm making. Any sort of advice is fine. For example, "Teach your children well" or "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover". Anything where the singer gives advice to the listener. Thanks...

My new camera is worthless!

wafaa — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 14:52:47 -0800

My new Canon SD750 suddenly displayed the dreaded black screen. Help! I ordered this from Amazon and received it 3 days ago. I was getting ready to take a picture and the LCD went black. I can still see the menu and images stored. My Googling gave me results that pretty much said, wow that sucks, and Canon sucks with their customer service, and something about a CCD failure... I went to the troubleshooting section of the manual and it said "black display--hit the display button, if that doesn't fix it, your camera needs service". I checked Amazon's return policy and if I understood it correctly, it said only new, unopened product will be accepted for refund. Now what?

counseling and advice

diode — Wed, 28 May 2008 07:01:03 -0800

I'm in a bit of a jam economically. I've got to make some decisions on how to proceed. Where can I go for advice and counseling on my best course of action? I don't want to post my travails here on AskMeFi. Suffice it to say that Fat City is over for now and I'm in an economically unsustainable scenario. I've got to make some life changes and wish I had some resources for making better decisions. Are there websites where people are getting support and insight? Perhaps counseling of various kinds?

I have perhaps one person I can talk to about my situation with honesty other than my partner, who is part of the problem.

Where do you go for some real-world advice and perhaps some social support while you make changes?

I need tips to be a tougher negotiator

Anonymous — Thu, 22 May 2008 07:52:22 -0800

I think I'm too nice to do certain things entrepreneurship requires. I need tips to be a tougher negotiator and be able to drive good deals. Here's my background: After 7 years of working regular corporate jobs, I took a 2-year break to do some independent consulting, pretty much working from home. Then I decided to start up a proper business on my own, with about 20 employees. This new business was based around another area of expertise that I had. I've been running the business for a bit more than three years.

Here's my problem: I think I'm too "nice" to be a tough negotiator on business deals like negotiating office rents, equipment prices, etc. It's a character trait that I am a big believer in "fairness", so I can't negotiate the best prices and rates because I want the other person to make a "fair" deal. When somebody tells me something like "Oh Mr. X, our margin on these products is only 5%, I really can't give you any more discounts", I find it hard to press any more. (I suspect the 2-year consulting break may have mellowed me out too much. I was quite an assertive firecracker in my mid-20s.)

My speciality is production, planning, and project management but as a small business owner who doesn't have specialists to handle various areas, much of the high-level negotiating has to be done by me.

What tips do you have to make me better at these things? I want to be that ruthless Donald Trump type of guy who gets the best deals.

Just the three of us

hadjiboy — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:45:45 -0800

Single mom/Single parent: How does one go about building a lasting relationship with a single mother, to show her that you will not only be there for her, but also for her son? (She's 22, and he's under five I'm assuming.) I'm pretty good with kids, but have no experience what-so-ever dealing with a child whose father is not in the picture. (We haven't yet discussed it in length, so I don't know the specifics of who the biological dad is, but I do know that this woman is special, and if there's any chance in hell--I would really, Really like to take things forward with her the best way I can.) Also, for any of the Single Parents out there: what's the best way to proceed in doing this. We've already started talking and have got a good rapport going, and I don't want to mess things up by asking the wrong questions (eg: when do I bring up the topic of her son in a little bit of detail?).

Thank you to anyone in advance who can shed some light on this for me. Much appreciated!

I want to be an expert on experts.

katieinshoes — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:38:55 -0800

I'm looking for advice blogs. Like Dear Abby, but in blog form. These must be out there, but googling for "advice blog" doesn't get me quite what I'm looking for. I'm looking for blogs where the writers/experts give advice in response to emails/comments/etc. from readers, just like in a newspaper advice column.

The topic of the blog (I think I've seen one specifically about financial advice) isn't important. I'm just interested in finding question-and-answer format blogs. Not something like Ask Metafilter or Yahoo Answers, but something where there is one writer/expert (or a panel of them) who writes all the answers.

What. to. do.

brynna — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:49:45 -0800

How can I reconcile two different and conflicting plans for my future? (long-ish explanation) I'm about to graduate from college and have been thinking a lot about my "future" as it were. I'm graduating with a degree in Literature and a vested interest and passion for education. I also work in a restaurant to make money.

I've worked in restaurants for a few years now and love the subculture, carefree attitude and flexibility that it affords. Recently, I've considered moving to Hawaii when I graduate and just spending time there, working in a restaurant (the place I work for has multiple locations in Hawaii - Roy's) and hiking, surfing and cooking during the days.

I've also considered joining Teach for America or a similar organization after graduating and going straight to the classroom. I'm really passionate about education and am an advocate for educational reform, especially in under-resourced schools.

The problem is basically this: I would love to go to Hawaii and THEN start teaching in a classroom (I feel a little ridiculous jumping into a classroom and spouting out life-lessons at 21), but I can't shake the feeling of selfishness and guilt at not devoting everything to the cause. I guess I'm trying to decide whether my life for the next few years should be a sensual or a humanitarian one.

Can anyone recommend some books, articles, etc that would help me find some direction? Also if there are any teachers that have experience teaching straight out of college, would you recommend it? I just need some perspective and general life advice at this point.

Point me to some books and/or websites that give advice or recount experiences of dealing with awkward situations that most sources usually avoid.

gregb1007 — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:54:42 -0800

Point me to some books and/or websites that give advice or recount experiences of dealing with awkward situations that most sources usually avoid. One of the things I love about reading ask.mefi is that I come across questions dealing with situations that are really awkward and make people pause and question themselves as how they would go about dealing with them.

Now that made me realize how incredibly lacking most self-help or advice books are about really awkward/unpleasant situations. Some things seem too distasteful to make it into books.

So my question is, are there good books or perhaps websites that address people's experiences with awkward/unpleasant situations that usually are left out of conversation because people hate talking about them?

You're going to Burkina Faso? My coworker's daughter's boyfriend used to run a coffee shop there...

cabingirl — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 18:44:08 -0800

Imagine you're planning a trip and you know someone, maybe distantly, who used to live where you are traveling. Do you feel obligated to ask that person for advice? What do you ask them? It seems like every time I plan a trip, someone I know will have a friend or relative or hairdresser who used to live in that place. This usually comes out in the course of telling my friends about my travel plans. The friend sometimes will offer to exchange email addresses, or make some other comment like "Oh, you should totally talk to Mary, she's over there right now!" I'm a pretty introverted person and don't necessarily want to talk to a near-stranger about my travel plans, but I always feel put on the spot in these scenarios. I feel like if I refuse my friend's offer, it will seem rude or ungrateful. At the same point I have no idea what to ask. I also don't know how to handle an offer to show me around or an invitation to stay in their home which would make me really uncomfortable, especially in the case of total strangers.

The issue has come up again because one of the admins in my office is from Guatemala and I am planning a trip there. The minute I tell anyone where I am going, I know they will tell me to talk to her and I don't know what that conversation is supposed to be about. Help!