Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with adolescence

question about autism and adolescence

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:59:06 -0800

How would you best support an autistic child, as they move into adolescence? I should note that this question is stemmed from recent interactions with my 10-year old nephew. This of course does not make me any kind of an expert on autism and asperger's, and I am trying to posit my questions and reflections respectfully, with some background understanding. Please forgive and correct anything that I may be ignorant on.

My nephew, who I will call Alex, has asperger's. Now I realize that it seems to be trendy to "have asperger's," but it is not a trend with him. We noticed some behavioral differences from one years old, onwards - stimming, intense preoccupation with subjects, and impairment in deciphering a lot of social cues.

Concerning his social interactions, my sister and brother and law have encouraged Alex to try and pay attention to the patterns of others. From what I understand, repetition and like of patterns is common for those in the autism spectrum - my nephew is no exception. Mostly, I feel like this has been a helpful suggestion on their part.

At least within family, Alex tries to mimic his interactions based on other family patterns. Hugging, affection, socio-familial "rules," etc. I feel like though, as he's moving into adolescence and beginning to move from being a child to a young teen, that I don't know how to work around aunt/nephew interactions with someone who has great difficulty in understanding that our interactions will (should?) change.

For example - with my niece (6) and other nephew (3), I would normally give them big squeezy hugs when I see them, because the 3 year old is shy and won't hug me otherwise, and the 6 year old because she's my mini-me. They're both still young enough for me to tease them with an annoying tickle (my occasional auntie duties, I think). They're still physically small enough to sit on my lap without it being awkward and weird. I used to give my niece "eskimo kisses" (nose-to-nose) but we've both kind of naturally outgrown this. I still give eskimo kisses to the 3 year old.

Recently when I went to visit home, Alex would give me the same squeezy hugs that he's picked on, tried to sit on my lap on several occasions, asked me for an eskimo kiss, and tried to tickle me after he saw me tickling the 3 year old.

I feel like this is inappropriate for a 10 year old and his 20-something aunt, especially because I'm barely 3 inches taller than him. I don't think he's intentionally trying to make things weird, but in trying to make up for his difficulty in deciphering social cues, is just mimicking how I interact with his younger sister and cousin, and also how I would interact with him when he was younger/smaller.

Am I just a prude? I am not his parent and obviously have no place in really truly claiming what it's like, and how one should deal with a child on the autism spectrum.

But I would like to hear from those with experience, on how to deal with an autistic/asperger child as they move in/through adolescence. I love my nephew - he's a charming, talented kid - and I don't want to hurt him and make him feel like I'm more affectionate and interested in my other nephew and niece. Yet, these past interactions left me feel quite uncomfortable. How can I explain to him that our aunt-nephew relations will not change how much I love and support him, but how I show these to him will be different? And different from his sister/cousin? I would love to hear suggestions and anecdotes of helping to make social interactions with an adolescent autistic child more smooth and appropriate through these changes.

What to do? When to intervene?

terrier319 — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 16:37:48 -0800

He's 14 years old and his grades are starting to slip. Does anyone have experience with this? Seems to have trouble focusing -- easily distracted and a typical procrastinator. Generally good student until the last year. Loves video games and waits for the sound of the garage door to open before running to his books so his mom won't see him on the TV. Likes to take an IPOD to bed so he can listen to tunes while falling off to sleep -- but that's history now as the parents have cracked down. Good kid and otherwise fine -- seems well-adjusted and generally engaged, with normal teenage social awkwardness. But the dropping grades are a concern and teachers tell the parents the child seems often "elsewhere" in class.

What's going on? Should the family pursue medication for a possible ADD issue? Lock away the video games? Establish a TV moratorium?

I realize these are complicated situations and I look back on my own adolescence recalling distractions and how peer pressure and parental expectations wreaked havoc. Any suggestions or experience with this? It has become a growing concern. Thank you.

Is "humhide.com" what it sounds like?

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 07:58:35 -0800

My fifteen-year-old niece has a notice from a friend that she has been posted on the internet in a potentially dangerous way. More inside, potentially NSFW. The site her picture or video has been posted to is called "humhide.com" My sister and I have tried to find out what the website is about, but do not want to give it the information it demands for us to proceed. Does anyone out in the hive know anything about this website? She is emotionally very vulnerable and most definitely below the age of consent.
Thanks all.

Should I tattle on a 14 year old thief?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:16:12 -0800

I think my friend's adolescent daughter tried to steal from me. Do I tell on her? I am in between apartments right now (waiting for the new place to be renovated) and staying with a dear, old friend. Her partner is away on business so she is happy to have the adult company and help around the house.

She has two kids - a 6 year old and an early teenager. From what I've seen, she is an excellent mother, and their father is an excellent father.

Recently I took the girls out for a special day of shopping and eating, to give their mom a break. Their mom gave me 20 dollars to feed them. We blew it almost immediately on cocoa and cookies. Later in the day, the girls were hungry again, so we went to the food court at the mall. I gave the teenager a 20 dollar bill (of my own) to buy her Asian meal, while the younger sister and I went to McDonalds.

Later in the afternoon I asked the teenager if she had the change for the food. She said "no." And I didn't follow up - I couldn't believe that she was actually lying about it and considered that perhaps there really was no change.

As we were heading home we stopped at a movie rental place to pick up movies. I had to pay cash for the rentals, and I was short by a bit, so again, I asked the teenager for the money, because otherwise, we would not be able to get the movies. She very slowly pulled 8 dollars out of her pocket, with no acknowledgment of having previously denied its existence.

As background - she is a bit of a strange girl. She doesn't look like the other kids and has recently discovered anime, to the point where it is all she talks about or "does" (going online, reading books, buying accessories, and spouting off long, loud soliloquies about anime). She is very boyish and hates anything girly (any time her mother or I wear makeup or heels she'll say something nasty).

I am torn about telling her mother about this incident. The pros are that her mother will know what her daughter is up to, and can deal with it. And the daughter will, I hope, not try to pull a similar stunt.

The cons are that I am not 100% sure it was intentional - maybe she forgot? Maybe she thought the money was hers? (she didn't know that it was my own personal money). Plus, it would devastate her mom and could potentially make things very uncomfortable around the house. I thought that she and I had built a rapport, as I was an outsider myself during my adolescence, and can relate to what she's going through.

I don't have kids, I don't deal with kids in my job, and most of the children I spend time with are under the age of 5, so this is a foreign territory. I realize that early adolescence is tough and that kids that age tend to immerse themselves in alternate realities, but her intensity seems extreme, and part and parcel with the attempted theft.

Now, a small bag of costume jewelry of mine has disappeared. I am hoping I just misplaced it, but I just don't know what to think.

How to survive secondary school?

parilous — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:20:36 -0800

Share your tips and lessons learned -- how to help a 12-year old survive, make friends, and be happy in secondary school? It's been a while since I was in secondary school (and frankly, I don't remember much of it; selective memory is a wonderful thing), so I'm at a loss! Please help me be a good guardian to my niece by providing me with some tips and lessons learned (for parents/guardians AND kids) on how to survive secondary school. Specifically, I'd like to know how you were able to survive secondary school -- what did your parents do that helped you? Hurt you? What are you currently or planning on doing for your kids?

I appreciate the breadth of experience in AskMe. Thanks so much!

Some personal information if it helps to help tailor the responses:
* She is new to the area, and only has two close friends (neither of whom are in her classes). She attended summer school orientation program, so she is familiar with kids from other schools, but is very shy and doesn't typically strike up conversations with people.
* She's not a "typical" girl -- she wears boys' clothes, hates shopping, and doesn't wear makeup. She's not interested in boys yet (thank goodness) and still plays with Pokemon toys.
* Her hobbies are drawing (she is talented in this arena) and playing video games.
* She's an average student (but bright) with no interest in band or chorus, despite liking music. We are making her participate in soccer to be part of a team sport and we're encouraging her to get involved with the AV club.

What is this novel called?!

nonmerci — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:14:18 -0800

Please help me identify this French novel! I'm filling in another stupid Facebook application involving the books you've read, are reading, etc. and suddenly remembered that I read a French (in French) novel last year around the fall. For the life of me I cannot remember the title OR the name of the author, though I'm sure if I were to see *either* I would recognize them.

Here is what I can remember: I believe the novel was written in the 1950s or 1960s, and while I don't think it was necessarily 'high literature' I believe the author was rather prolific (though I could be wrong). I'm also fairly sure the author was a woman. It was a sort of roman d'apprentissage, or coming-of-age tale, involving a young woman at a summer house on the beach where she was staying with her father and...step-mother? It could have been the other way around, as in mother and step-father, but I don't believe so. One of her parents was dead, I'm almost positive.

She meets a young man who lives in a house nearby, they fall in love and begin to meet secretly where they have a sexual relationship (though I believe she is only 15 or 16 and he is perhaps 20). The father finds out and she is forbidden to see him.

After that, details get hazy. I recall her being frustrated and angry for most of the novel and I believe it ends with SOMEONE dying in a car accident. Her father, perhaps. I honestly don't remember.

I bought the novel second-hand at a bookstore in Berkeley...please help me remember what the hell it's called! I tried searching the keywoards I can remember on google.fr but for some reason TRANSLATIONS OF TRUMAN CAPOTE are the number one results.

Thanks, HiveMind!

Drug Use and Mental Illness Literature?

dendrite — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 17:21:46 -0800

Does literature exist that describes a relationship between adolescent "hard" drug use and later development of mental illness? I am interested in peer-reviewed journal articles and reputable websites. I have known some friends and family to develop mental illnesses and be briefly institutionalized (e.g. for schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.) Each of these individuals has a history of abusing narcotics in their teenage years that was months or years previous to their psychotic episodes. The drugs in question that were used were meth, excessive hallucinogens, and coke (not so much marijuana.)

I'm want to read about how use of these drugs may have lead to (or increased the development rate of) the mental illnesses that later manifested. I am also interested in learning if the early stages of mental illnesses can actually lead someone to start using narcotics - perhaps as some misplaced attempt to address their cognitive deficiencies. Thanks for any resources you can provide.

Why do people prefer music from their teenage years?

desjardins — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 06:30:30 -0800

Why do people tend to gravitate more strongly towards music that was popular in their teen years? I was a teenager from 1987-1994, and the music from those years just sounds "right" to me, especially at the tail end of that era (think Offspring, Green Day, Counting Crows, etc.). Music before that time seems dated, and music created after that time, while sometimes likable, never holds my interest the same way.

Mr. desjardins is 4 years older than me, and he tends to like stuff from the early 80s.

When I was growing up, my mother listened to stuff that had to be popular when she was a teenager. I used to make fun of my parents for listening to "oldies," but now I'm the one listening to music from 15-20 years ago. Yet it still sounds current to me.

Is there something in the adolescent brain that imprints music more strongly?

Protecting family from youthful indiscretions?

Riki tiki — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 20:03:10 -0800

I think my cousin's being an idiot and it may come back to haunt him down the line. What can/should I do? I recently added my 17-year-old cousin as a friend on Facebook. He's white and about as far from a "street" upbringing as I can imagine (grew up in a mansion with an indoor pool and a private tennis court, just to give a sense).

Reading his profile, I've discovered that he's way into gangsta rap culture, which I'm not going to judge. But he's also uploading photos of himself displaying gang signs, and of him and his (also white) friends labelled "Me and my n***as" [censorship added]. He has links to Myspace pages which I'm assuming are theirs, with similar content publicly available (in contrast to Facebook's contact-only default privacy settings).

I'm a little worried that between the racial insensitivity and glamorization of criminal activites, he's going to have created this online persona that will bite him in the ass when a potential employer googles his name. Lord knows most of us do things when we're in high school that we're glad aren't on a permanent record somewhere.

Should I do anything about this? Frankly, I'm willing to accept the possibility that I'm overblowing the situation and that these things sort themselves out.

But if I do take action, what should I do? I don't really have any connection to the guy other than being related (Irish family, he's one of dozens of cousins), so I wouldn't feel comfortable barging into his lifestyle and telling him how ugly the furniture is. At the same time, I don't want to get a reputation as the family narc by ratting him out to his parents. Any suggestions on a way to address this that might actually have an effect without bruising feelings or initiating hostilities?

"Do boys and girls go through adolescence the same way?"

From Bklyn — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 13:28:32 -0800

So, last month, this AskMeFi thread got posted: "Weed Made me Crazy!" Which prompted this MetaTalk thread: "Honest Question or veiled Propaganda?" But the meat of the threads was about going through adolescence. I think a majority of the answers were provided by men; if so, how was it for the ladies? I mean adolescence, not the above threads. The gist of both threads amounted to the notion that around the time adolescence starts flooding boys with testosterone, we (guys) start thinking differently. However it is described, this effect is notable. Most often with the before and after being appreciably different.

Is this the case for women also? What was your experience of how you thought, both about things and of things, before and after?
I kind of assume it would be different for girls (so many things are), but I realized I had no idea.
Thanks!

David's last summer - or, music that deals with the transition from adolescence into a different world

greycap — Thu, 11 May 2006 12:22:04 -0800

Looking for songs that have a wistful, bittersweet feel to them that captures the move from adolescence into "adult" life - eg the moments before leaving school, or before getting your first job. Why do I ask? Well, my Ipod spat out the following songs on shuffle the other day:

Pulp - David's Last Summer
Belle and Sebastian - A Summer Wasting
The Divine Comedy - The Summerhouse

They all have a definite hint of nostalgia to them, and all touch on the transition from one phase of your life into another. I thought I'd try to put together a playlist including them and other similar songs. It doesn't have to be specifically about "last summers", simply about those threshold-type moments where you go from one phase of your life to another.

Any suggestions? Although the examples above are all pretty mainstream indie, I'd be interested in any musical style, genre or era.

Note - I'm really after songs that specifically deal musically or lyrically with these sort of themes, rather than songs that don't directly deal with them but which you associate with such moments due to your own personal experiences.

adolescent panic attacks

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 07:56:33 -0800

My 13 yo daughter has been having panic attacks. If you've dealt with this, can you please share your experiences/advice? This has been happening since last summer, about 2x/month, and after hoping it would pass, we've begun looking at therapists since she's begun having them in school. The attacks include uncontrollable crying, shaking hands, difficulty catching her breath, and what she describes as scared feelings. No particular events seem to trigger them, and they subside within 20min typically. The strategy we typically use has been to get her in a safe place (home) and refocus her attention on something else.

I will mention that otherwise she is bright, has very supportive friends/family, does well in school, is in excellent health and has no history of physical/emotional trauma. Most of the time she appears happy and cheerful, however, she has said that she feels sad a lot when she's by herself. Also, heartbreakingly, she can be sitting with the family or whatever and you can literally see her face suddenly darken, and tears start rolling down her cheeks. She doesn't know why.

We would love to hear from anyone who has managed this problem in themselves, esp. as adolescents, or in a loved one.

Is my child gay?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Jun 2005 09:48:44 -0800

Could my preteen son be gay? He is a sweet, tender-hearted, hyperactive kid. He has been seeing a psychologist all year for his anxiety, negative self-talk, etc. He hangs out only with girls. They all love him. He has had an adorable girl friend all
year. He has almost no guy friends. He gets very nervous around boys his age. He has a hard time going along with the guy talk. I should add that he is bright, athletic, and very good-looking. His anxiety over boys, as well as having a lot of feminine qualities makes me think he could be a homosexual. My question is how can I know as a parent and how can I best parent him?

Recommendations of books for gay teen African-Americans?

Slimemonster — Thu, 13 May 2004 21:12:00 -0800

Anybody know any book/movie recommendation i can make to a 16-year old, gay, African-American kid who's just "coming of age" though he hates that phrase. He's reading everything he can on the subject and looking for more. Fiction and non-fiction.