Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with abusive

What do I say if/when she goes back to the man who might kill her?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:09:44 -0800

My friend's on-again/off-again nonstop crazy drama relationship just turned physically abusive six days ago. Now they are separated, again, and hopefully for good. I have reason to believe that the separation won't last, and I don't know how I could or should deal with that. Please help. My 21 year friend old has been dating a man named Charles for the past two years. we actually met through Charles- I was his math tutor and next door neighbor (not anymore, we live in different cities now), after he started dating her we met and clicked, becoming fast friends. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding and I love her!

Her relationship with Charles degenerated to a less than ideal state shortly after knowing each other. Charles is an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, mildly sociopathic, violent, rich kid ne'er-do-well, with a napolean complex. She has had problems of her own, but she means well and has a heart of gold. She would never hurt a soul, but she is not very talented at standing up for herself by any stretch of the imagination.

Their relationship has always been the breakup (with screaming fights) and makeup (with wine and roses) twice a month kind. I never minded hearing the seemingly cyclical tales of what was new with her and Charles every time we saw eachother. I am now 26 and happily married to my adorable devoted husband in the healthiest relationship I could ever conceive of, but when I was her age (21) I was involved in a similar situation a drama filled on/off relationship.

I understand very much the addictive qualities of that type of cyclic relationship. It's being in a world of your own with one other person, routinely feeling suicidal and happy passion beyond words in the course of a single day.

Recently, her and Charles took a turn for the very very worst. A drunken altercation led to him punching her in the back, trapping her in his apartment to pin her on the bed and scream at her, pulling her hair to not let her escape, and chasing her into the street in his boxers when she escaped and ran to her car and drove home.

I am grateful she is alive. She says she is done with him and her mother is getting her into therapy. But I am very concerned that this is not the end of her and him. Subtle signs when we talked about the incident lead me to believe that she is keeping the door in her mind open. These are:

1. She will not file a police report against him, despite the pleas of myself and her mother, which may be reasonable considering he comes from a very wealthy family that would probably try to file all sorts of defamation/libel lawsuits against her and make her life hell.

2. She said she was done with him forever, and in the same conversation said that she told him she would speak to him in several months after he received treatment.

Charles has already started in with the denials/apologies/baby I would never hurt yous.

Anyway, my question: what do I do if she goes back to him? what do I say, how do I react? I don't want to and won't cut her out of my life, but I'm not sure how to handle it if she tells me she is in contact with Charles again in any capacity. I've told her if she sees him again after this, I consider it likely she will end up raped and/or in a body bag. So what do I do if she does see him again, which I'm afraid to admit is a very strong possibility?

Also, I've read the gift of fear, but any other books that might help me I'd be happy to know about.

Recovering from abuse, way past the due date

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:05:12 -0800

It's taking me a really really long time to get over an abusive relationship. I keep thinking I've made huges strides and then I realize how far from normal my feelings and behaviour are. I know it's a matter of healing but I could do with advice on helping it along. Over a year ago, I left my abusive boyfriend. We were living together for years and it was emotionally abusive for a long time but it took an incident of physical abuse to get me to leave.

He told me even early in our relationship that he had anger problems and had been told to seek help by previous girlfriends, but he said it like a bitter joke and so I missed the warning signs. He was also in the habit of blaming someone else for everything that went wrong in his life, and eventually this became me, for everything we did together, even saying that the only reason we got together was because I made it happen and the only reason he hadn't left was because he was lazy. I could go on and give a lot of examples but it's not really the point. One night, he hit and kicked me without any provocation (I know that's not an excuse) and the next day I left. I was still totally in love with him and replied to his messages, told him my account of the specific physical event without mentionign anything else, and he responded by accusing me of abuse and of betrayal, denying the event and throwing every accusation he could find at me.

I was (and still am) terrified of him, compounded by him turning up at an event I was involved in organizing 8 months later after the other organizers had asked him not to show. He was belligerent and I walk out on my own event after having a panic attack and puking. I didn't make a scene because I had friends and family friends there, and the positive theme of the event would have been compromised by having to eject someone.

I left the community we had both been involved with (previous to the relationship, I had been part of it and he had not), and have had a big void in my life since doing this. I also got sick of mutual (male, known to me first) friends being apologists for his behavior and still remaining friends with him, and I backed away from them too. I was so afraid of his animosity towards me that I stopped going to events he was likely to be at and stopped participating online in a forum we were both involved with (in that case, he was there before we met).

I've since moved away from my hometown largely so I could live and socialize without seeing him, and things have been going good. Recently I went home for a work event and during the few hours I was in the city, I walked into him with a girl (who could have been a friend) and we locked eyes, I saw pure hate, and I walked quickly on and fought back the urge to puke over several hours of gagging and burping and shaking violently.

I still dream about him and sometimes it's sexual or at least loving, which makes me sick when I wake up. I think about him every time I do something wrong or embarrassing. I imagine the things he said being what other people think of me even when it seems by all reckoning that they really like me. My self-esteem was never great but now it's shot to shit, better than post-breakup but based on assuming that I'm next to worthless and have to take everyone's crap. I also can't bear to hear men shout. I am afraid to do anything in public in case he sees it, which is an issue for my art practice, and I am afraid he'll even see this. It's embarrassing to admit to friends how not-over this I am.

Also, there are things I feel guilty about. We had a very physical relationship involving a lot of play-fighting and I worry that this makes me an abuser, because I grew up with brothers and could be quite roughly playful. I was seriously depressed on terrible birth control for a few months early on and was too clingy and restrictive then, which wasn't right and I appreciate having been forgiven for it. I was also submissive sexually and accepted a lot of non-vanilla pain from him in that context, but that was on the basis that it was not a whole-relationship dynamic.

I have been single since the breakup, messed around with a few people and pursued another but I was more focused on getting my shit together before inflicting the whole mess on someone new. Now I miss the community I'd spent years getting to be part of, and I would like to be able to love and give fully (or for some value of normal) again. I will also have to move home in the next year and I can't go back to living in fear of every knock at the door being him. I am female and a couple of years +/- 30.

I know everyone's going to suggest therapy and I agree. However - I did go to a therapist a few times but it was a really poor fit (she flipped out at the mention of non-vanilla sex and was really judgmental), and at that time I had no days off so I didn't pursue finding another. I am now located in a place where therapy would be extremely difficult to arrange but I am trying to pursue it. I am not in the USA.

Sorry this is so long but since it's hard to follow up, I wanted to try being comprehensive. I will add anything needed if the mods will be kind enough to post for me. If you want to contact me privately and could mention so in the thread I will respond directly to you.

Is there a situation when its good to give into an aggressive man?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:46:45 -0800

Is there a situation when its good to give into an aggressive man? I live in a small place in the middle of nowhere with a few dozen other people spread out over miles and miles. My question is not a legal one; it has only to do with how to deal with a situation using both ethics and logic to decide a course of action.

My boyfriend and I have a small financial dispute with someone else in town ("Joseph"). We have basically no previous dealings with him. Joseph thinks we owe him $200 and we think we owe him nothing. We feel his position is unreasonable (and unsupported by the law). Nonetheless, we left him a check for $100 thinking it is a small town and to compromise is better than to make a fuss over an amount that, although significant, was within our means.

When Joseph got the check, he came and found me in a semi-remote location. It was broad daylight and outside, and no one was nearby. He made me take the check back, and became slightly aggressive. I told him I was feeling threatened and ask him not to stand so close. I was backed up to my car. He came closer and said, "Oh, you feel threatened? Well back up then." I edged around the car to get him out of my space.

He said a bunch of things about the merit of his position, then backed up. I didn't want to engage him while he was acting like this, but thought well it's not fair for me never to tell him my position either. I did so, and he was quiet and listened to my position. He said at the end that was fine and it doesn't change his bill, and that he's billed me.

He started repeating the phrase, "There are consequences to your actions, every action you take has consequences." I asked him what kind of consequences, does he mean litigation, and he just repeated himself or not answer or say something else. I tried to remain really calm throughout the occasion, not really engaging him emotionally.

Then, an older man that lives sort of around sometimes was driving by and my aggressor flagged him down. He then started telling this guy the whole story, emphatically and righteously, but still, I thought, aggressively. I didn't argue because I didn't feel it was fair to put this random guy in the middle; he looked like he just wanted to get away. He diplomatically said, "Well that's a relatively small amount of money. Sounds like something you all should work out," and sped off.

My aggressor gave a deadline of Friday to come up with a check for $200, "or there will be consequences." He said this several times very emphatically, and pointed at me menacingly.

A while ago, I started dating an abuser. Seeing the signs, I got out of that deal within weeks, but not without substantial fiasco and a set of slashed tires. Joseph going off like he was today, so many of the characteristics and mannerisms reminded me of that guy, and it kind of freaked me out.

I have identified several potential next actions:

1) Pay him the $200. My concern about this is I am directly rewarding very poor behavior, and is he going to think that I will pay him anything he wants whenever he demands?

2) File a police report. To be honest, unless I am going to pay him, there's no way I can't do this. I will be a sitting duck awaiting his "consequences." Please keep in mind that there are no cops for four hours, so I can't expect them to do any to prevent violent consequences, but at least there would be a record. His consequences may be nonviolent, like litigation, but the nearest court is also four hours away and seems a bit stupid to go so far over $100. I think he was intentionally ambiguous as to whether he might be violent.

3) Do both. I kind of like this if I can file a report anonymously, but I don't know about that. I think of his wife and if he could get so aggressive with me there, then I'm sure she gets it too. Once a man assaulted me (I fought him off), and I always always regretted not filing a report. Because if some other woman wasn't able to fight him off, at least there would be a record of his history.

I would not mind compromising certain ethical concerns and doing only #1 if I thought that it would actually make me safer, but I just don't know.

I would very much appreciate thoughtful suggestions, especially from people who have some experience or education with the abusive mind and remote living.

Is my male friend in an abusive relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 17:50:31 -0800

I'm worried that my male friend might be in some sort of abusive relationship. He's my best friend and seems to have been in a "spend all time with new GF and not call or visit friends" mode for 3 months, and we are all far past the teenage years. I'm female. I have (or used to) a male friend that had become a best friend over the past two and a half years. Previous to this time period there had been some sexual contact between us, but we considered this to be in the distant past and not something that was a part of our current (or recent?) friendship. I'd been encouraging him to get out more, date, etc. He finally met someone, a woman whose lunch invitation I encouraged him to accept, in October. At first I was happy for him, but now I'm concerned. I've seen less and less of him since then. At this point I have gotten concerned that she may be pressuring him to avoid contact with either me in particular or possibly all of his friends.

I have met her on 4 occasions, she seemed friendly to me and I put in an effort to be friendly to her and ask about her life since my friend liked her so much. Over Thanksgiving she said thanks for sharing my best friend with her, and seemed fine that I was friends with her boyfriend.

My friend used to return phone calls the same day or the next day, and would also initiate calls to me to chat or suggest hanging out. We would usually visit in person about 3 times a week, either at each other's homes, going out to eat, watching movies or doing something outdoors. Now it usually takes him about a week to return calls. He apologizes for not calling sooner, and talks about the three of us getting together to do something, and doesn't follow through on calling back to make more specific plans. He seems to call when he is not around the GF.

I am worried about my friend. He seems to be with this woman nearly every hour that she is not at work (she works four 10 hour shifts per week). He is in construction, and at one point he was working at her house during the day and at her house at night, and did not go home for an entire week. He had left his cell (which is also his business phone) at his house and did not check his messages during this time. After he got back in touch, I told him he was my best friend in [medium size city], and he said I was his best friend too.

When I last spoke with my friend, about 5 days ago, he said he had not been able to call for the last 4 days because the GF was having problems getting her 12yo daughter to obey her, and said it was very stressful every evening in her home. He reported that the GF had spanked her daughter very hard with a belt because she would not listen, and said the GF was sending the daughter to live with her father. He suggested that all 3 of us get together over the weekend, and I did not hear from him nor has he returned my last call.

My friend is in his late 30's, bisexual (but more into girls), a recovering alcoholic (3 years+ sober), has his own comfortable place to live (although he's almost never there anymore, he does not want to move in with the GF), and generally very intelligent and capable. In the past he has had a relationship with a woman who sometimes hit him, and stalked him after they broke up. He ended up getting a restraining order against her. I have met that ex-gf and she was indeed an unstable and scary person at times. There is another ex-gf of his that he goes out of his way to avoid -- I happen to occasionally encounter her at her workplace, and have seen that ex exhibit quite a temper in a way that's very inappropriate to the position in which she works.

A little about me. I'm in my mid 30's, and I do go on dates, he's not a substitute for that. I sometimes tell him about guys I meet and he will encourage me to call them, etc. It's been very clear between us that we are not dating and don't have any romantic interest in each other. I tend to have a lot of male friends, and just 2 or 3 close female friends. I have a key to my friend's house (and he to mine), and we had previously talked about checking up on each other if one of us was out of communication for more than a few days since we both live alone. In the past I've gotten a worried phone call if he was unable to reach me for more than a few days. Typically we would tell the other person if we were going out of town, and we would housesit for each other.

I'm very worried that my friend might be involved in an emotionally abusive or controlling relationship, and in light of hearing about this spanking incident I am concerned that the GF might become physically abusive. We know a couple that are mutual friends but I usually only see them at his house, I've called them but have little hope that they will call me back in a timely manner. At this point I would almost feel better to know that my friend still has a life outside this woman and it's just me that he is acting so atypical towards, even though I've been feeling very sad all the time since I think I've lost my best friend and don't understand why. I've already talked to a counselor about this and she did not think it was a problem.

Is it normal for someone 3 months into a new relationship to avoid people they were friends with before? Is my friend involved in an abusive relationship? What can I do to help my friend if he needs help? How can I tell if he needs help? How can I feel better about what's going on?

How to cope with an abusive and violent brother?

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:06:44 -0800

Domestic violence filter : Please help me to cope with my abusive und violent brother. My twin brother gains satisfaction from ruining my life. What shall I do? (lengthy explanation) Hello everybody. I have some sincere problems. Otherwise I would certainly not bug you. But maybe some of you might be able to help me out. After all, AskMeFi has a really strong community.

I am a 20 years old German (please excuse my bad English) who attends a local university and works part-time to pay for the expenses. I suffer from physical and mental abuse (since a year now) from my twin brother who is far stronger than me,although I do some weightlifting. He is quite lazy and does not want to study anymore. This is why he currently undergoes on-the-job-training at a bank. Unfortunately, however, he is only occupied with this work for about 7 hours a day. He goes out with friends practically every evening. Until then, however, he does not know what to do and harrasses me in every possible way:

He turns his music extremely loud so that I cannot concentrate on my studying. Or he makes me crazy by banging his fist rhythmically against the wall, that is seperating his room from mine, for extended periods of time. Whenever I encounter him in the corridor he violently bumps into me, sometimes so strongly that I fall to the ground.

He calls me names. He especially likes to cite Gunnery Sergeant Hartman - a character from the movie Full Metal Jacket- word for word calling me Private Pyle and shouting exactly the same lines at me as those in the film. THIS IS NO JOKE.

Apart from domineering over me my brother spents most of his time at home watching TV. I figured I could use this agaist him. This is why I began to run into the living room and (threaten him to) turn off the set-top box, whenever I just could not take it anymore. The set-top box can only be switched on again by entering a Pin code only known to my father. As a result my brother could not watch TV at least until late evening, when my father came home from work. After a few times of beating me up as a form of punishment he recognized that I hazard the consequences and things seemed to get better. But then he began to -slightly though- choke our Dachshund - whom I care for very much - whenever I turned off the TV. As a matter of fact, my only leverage went down the drain.

The only advise my parents give me is to ignore and to evade him, whichs is hardly possible, as he seeks the dispute. Apart from that they (can) do practically nothing to stop my brother. On the one hand, they do notwant to kick him out of the house. On the other hand they could not do so, even if they wanted do, because my brother overpower my dad.

What can I do to improve this situation? Calling the police is definitively a no-no. My parents do not approve this at all in fear of rumours. I cannot move out, either, because I simply can't afford that. Since I already work 6 hours a day, I would not have enough time to study, if I took on a second job to pay the rent.

Please tell me your ideas.

I need information about how to parent when raised by abusive parents.

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Feb 2005 17:35:49 -0800

I was raised by an abusive father. Now in my early 30's I am looking ahead to the future when I may become a father. I am determined not to recreate the family environment I grew up in but know how these things sometimes turn out -- that people determined not to recreate something sometimes wind up doing so in an unforseen manner. I was in therapy for 2 years in my 20's to work on the issues but therapy is not an option now because of money. I have worked hard not to be my father, but part of me is afraid that I will wind up being like him as a parent. (In particular, I worry about being a father to a son because of my history). I am looking for information about the father-son relationship as well as information about how to be a good parent when you have a background like mine. Please offer advice, books, suggestions - anything that can help.