Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with abuse

Do I have to invite my father to the wedding?

gauche — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 06:21:23 -0800

Should I invite my estranged father to my wedding? I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman, and we are planning our wedding. I am torn about whether I should invite my father to the wedding. Before you say, "of course you should, he's your father" let me explain.

I was always very close to my father, growing up; I was the oldest of five, and his clear favorite in ways that made me feel uncomfortable and a little guilty. Six years ago, my father confided in me that he was having an affair. He asked me to keep it quiet from my mother, who was then his wife, and from my siblings. After considering the position he had put me in, I told him that keeping this secret put me on his side, and that I could not take his side in an affair like this. I told him that he had to come clean about it to my mother or I would have to tell her my, for the sake of my own conscience. After that conversation, our relationship turned very ugly. I saw a side of my father that I had never seen before: manipulative, deceitful, selfish, and cruel.

I was between jobs at the time, so I found work in another time zone and moved away, in part to put distance between myself and this situation. Soon after I left, he divorced my mother. Two of my sisters have not spoken to him since; the other is coolly cordial; my brother is in the armed services, and does his best to avoid this side of the country entirely. It is all very painful and fraught with avoidance.

Over the years, I have tried to re-establish my relationship with my father on several occasions, but invariably I am disappointed by our encounters. I am very hurt and angry, and we can make cordial small-talk but that is about it. I feel that he has violated my trust, and I don't think we can have a relationship until he earns it back. I am willing to consider him earning it back, and indeed I would like him to do so. He does not believe that he has hurt me, or is unwilling to do anything to show that he is sorry for having done so. Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.

Having made a number of unsuccessful attempts to get him to even acknowledge the betrayal I feel, I consider us to be estranged, with occasional, brief contact. I certainly want to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I do not hold out much hope for it.

In the circumstances, the wedding is a sort of crisis, in that if I do not invite him, that has implications which I do not want to make ("you are dead to me") but if I do invite him, that too has implications ("you are a part of my life"). Further, I feel like his presence will cast a pallor over my mother, my sisters, my brother, and my maternal grandfather. It will certainly dim my own mood. My fiancee has never met my father, and she would rather he did not attend because it will spoil the mood of the day and bring up old wounds for my family, who have been very good to her.

I don't want him at my wedding, but I don't want to foreclose an eventual reconciliation either. One thing I am very proud of about the past six years is that I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid. No matter how hurt I was, I haven't burned the bridge. In order to do that, I have sometimes had to be silent -- for years at a time -- instead. With the wedding, I cannot fail to say something, one way or another. What am I supposed to do?

I’m concerned my son’s nanny may have hit him – how can I tell for sure?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 08:31:46 -0800

My four year old alleges our new nanny called him, “stupid” and hit him. He is generally a reliable narrator, but he is only four. How do I find out for sure? Apologies in advance for the copious details inside. I apologize in advance that this requires a great deal of set up, and I did search through all of the previous askmes with the keyword “abuse” in them. My username here is consistent across many internet fora, hence the anonymity.

I have two sons, ages 4 and 6. Both my wife and I work full time out of the house, and 6 weeks ago we hired a local nanny who is an undergraduate and originally from our neighborhood. She is pleasant and appears to be caring and contentious (e.g., very good at helping the boys with their homework). This is her first position as a caregiver.

Two days ago my wife told me our 4 year old said he had a “red” lip because the nanny had called him “stupid” and hit him in while they were in the car on the way to pick up my 6 year old (so the 6 year old was not a witness). I would not get a chance to speak to either of them until yesterday. Neither my wife nor I saw any evidence he'd been hit; he looked just fine.

Yesterday I took an early train to arrive home unexpected. My 4 year old was crying and had a very swollen lip and an abrasion on his nose. He told me he fell, and later talking to the nanny and my oldest son (who was in there at the time), it appears that he really did fall while getting out of the car. The nanny’s, and both my oldest and youngest son’s stories about what happened are completely consistent. My oldest was in the car, but did not witness the actual fall (he was getting out of the other side of the car at the time.)

Even more set up (sorry!): I am a commercial intelligence investigator/analyst, a HUMINT practitioner and have advanced qualitative research training (i.e., focus groups). I say this to indicate that I have years of experience eliciting responses without biasing the answers. It’s also to indicate I’m keenly, and in this case horrendously aware, of my limitations in this regard. Especially as children are notoriously difficult to interview.

I’ve talked to both my sons now in a variety of contexts over the last two days. Here’s what I know:

- My youngest’s story of the calling stupid and hitting has remained completely consistent, and he does not appear to have any kind of motive behind telling the story (e.g., getting the nanny in trouble, getting special treatment). He says it was on purpose, she did not “say sorry,” and was in response to him moving his head about too much in the car (something he does)

- My oldest says that the nanny has never been angry with them or raised her voice or in any way told him not to tell his parents anything (this was insanely difficult to get without asking obviously leading questions, but fortunately my 6 year old is highly verbally and analytically gifted.)

- Both my wife and I are 99% convinced that he really did fall out of the car the day after the alleged hitting incident. There was no duplicity in the nanny when I asked about it, both son’s story’s are consistent and plausible, and his injury is consistent with what they described (although it could be consistent with other things too).

- My youngest, the alleged victim, is smart but lags behind a bit on the whole linear time and efficient causality stuff. He is not an unreliable narrator nor is he prone to exaggeration or lying.

So how do I tell what really happened? I will only get one shot to speak to the nanny on this. If she really hit him, that indicates to me that she may have a Jekyll Hyde personality thing going on (she has never appeared to be anything but sweet to us and the boys), which means that if she really did hit him, she’ll just be much more careful to make sure we never find out about it. If she didn’t do it, well, I wouldn’t be surprised if she just walked off the job, which would cause serious problems work-wise for my wife and me. And the last thing in the world I want are some kind of false allegations against an innocent woman and all the implications that entails.

I’m considering talking to her tomorrow (she’s not working today.) Any suggestions at all would be appreciated

How can I help my sister deal with abuse at the hands of our brother?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:19:05 -0800

I recently discovered my brother was sexually abusing my sister and how the hell do I deal with this over Thanksgiving weekend? I recently found out that my brother was sexually molesting my younger sister from the fifth grade until she was a sophomore in high school. The details became clear when she opened up to me a few weeks ago. Last spring, after he was arrested, I’d been given vague descriptions from my mother (‘he messed with her covers’) and veiled allegations from my sister – (‘I’d like to talk to you abut this, but in person, and not when you are here on vacation, but there are things he did.’) Our family is stoic, repressive and completely ignoring this situation.

I was the primary caregiver from the age of 11 while my mother went back to school until I just flat-out left them all when I turned 16. Yes, I have massive, massive guilt about this.

It came to light when the SWAT team was called on this brother because it was thought at the time that he had his roommate’s girlfriend at gunpoint; he was saying he was going to kill her and then himself. My sister confessed everything to my parents that night because she felt another woman might be in danger. It turned out it wasn’t true, the girlfriend wasn’t even on the premises, he was drunk, and had been drinking a fifth of vodka each night for at least a year. He spent 30 or so days in jail and has been working off his community service/debt/sentence (felony menacing was what he was prosecuted for) since then at part-time jobs and whatever he can get. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to go back to jail and he’s been doing his part to stay clean and comply with his sentence.

This, however, doesn’t explain or erase the harm he did to my sister. She is traumatized and has a very hard time spending any time my parent’s house. My mother completely minimizes her experience and says she’s being ‘difficult’ and ‘dwelling on things.’ I was also was subjected to sexual abuse when I was younger (non-familial) which was ignored, so I understand what my sister is going through and want to help her. Hers is far, far worse since it was at the hands of her brother – he’s three years older than her, she is almost 21. I can’t imagine her pain and I love her so much. We are the only rational people in this family and I have a hard enough time dealing with my own unresolved issues, but I need to help her, she’s beautiful, strong and has an amazing spirit.

The questions are: how can I: 1) help my sister deal with this, 2) convince my parents that what happened was WRONG and 3) make my parents okay with her not staying at their house? Right now they don’t see why she doesn’t want to sleep in the bed her brother molested her in. I asked her to make plans to stay with a friend over this weekend but she is afraid of offending them (she is in college and lives a few towns away). I told her to do it anyway. She’s young and doesn’t understand the benefits of therapy yet, since it was ridiculed as part of our upbringing. If these questions seem rather cold it’s because I am completely out of my depth and have no idea how to approach this holiday weekend where we will all be together.

Probably-needlessly-complicated-family-drama-filter.

Tha Race Card — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:37:54 -0800

So my grandfather is really sick and I haven't seen him in four years. Up until I turned eleven or twelve, our relationship was great. After that, not so much. Long, sorry. My family is split into two, distinct groups. There is my mother's side, that includes my sister and myself and my mom, obviously. We are a fucked little unit with a long and violent history of abuse (perpetrated by mom). The other side is everyone else, basically. My grandfather is sort of a prolific manwhore. He was no less than 14 children, the youngest of whom is 6, many by different mothers, and all of these people make up my family. His "main bitch," a woman named Bea, is his second wife. The children she had with him are the relatives I'm closest too. Complicated. In any case, the two sides of my family have never really mixed. My mother resents my grandfather's second wife and Bea has never really accepted my mother as a real part of her family. This is partly because my grandfather's first wife, my mother's mother, is crazy. My grandfather's first marriage was crazy abusive, unfaithful, and codependent and ended when my grandmother literally tried to kill him. So Bea doesn't really like my mom.

Part of my mother's abuse, aside from the hitting and emotional stuff, was a sort of intense forced isolation. No visits from friends, no after school activities of any kind, no playing outside, and only select visits from a few members of my extended family: my Aunt Julia, my Uncle Oscar, and my grandfather. The days when they would visit are the few from my childhood that I remember with any sort of fondness. My mother seemed happier, certainly less angry when they were around. Distracted.

Around age twelve, my sister and I began to realize how horrible our home life was and we began reaching out for help. This meant, for me, opening up for the first time to close friends and teachers and to the extended family I was closest too: Oscar and my grandfather. For my sister, this meant burning down our house. My sister's tactic worked better than mine. While my mom isolating us had worked to some extent to hide the abuse, my sister burning down the house pretty much put it all up in everyone's faces. My uncle and my grandfather and social workers could dismiss the things I told them as tough love, but they couldn't dismiss the absolute rage it would take for a 14 year-old girl to burn every single one of her earthly possessions.

My sister was taken away and put in a group home for "troubled girls" which against all odds worked spectacularly for her. It was a safe and supportive place and now she's a kick ass lady. I, however, was left behind alone with my mom, and while the physical abuse stopped once I gained a few inches on her, the emotional stuff never did. It was pretty obvious that something wasn't right and my cries for help became more and more desperate and self-destructive. My uncle believed me but encouraged me to try to work it out with my mother. My grandfather stopped coming over pretty much as soon as I started growing tits. I've always suspected he doesn't really understand the "point" of women he can't, for whatever reason, sleep with.

The years of abuse finally ended with my mother selling our house and moving back to Honduras the year I turned 18, leaving me alone in Boston with no money and no place to go. After 18 years of shit and then a very abrupt abandonment, I was scared and depressed and crazy. Oscar convinced Bea to let me stay for the summer in the apartment she shared with my grandfather. When she came back to the country with him, two months later, she told me I had to go. My grandfather had no opinion on the matter. The only relative I had left to turn to was my crazy ass grandmother. The one who tried to kill him. I lived with her for a year. The worst year of my life. For that entire year I never heard from anyone in my family but Oscar and my sister. My mom wouldn't talk to me, Bea didn't give a fuck, and neither did my grandfather. It took me four years to recover from all of that. I'm 23 now with friends who care about me and an awesome boyfriend and an apartment that I can pay for and that no one can make me leave and a job and school and I feel like I'm getting to be whole again.

So now my grandfather's sick. Really sick. He's had two strokes and apparently isn't breathing on his own. My uncle has asked me to go see him and I'm scared. And angry. I asked my grandfather to help me when I couldn't help myself and he turned away from me. I don't know that he's asked to see me or if he's even capable of doing so. There's a part of me that feels that I have to go in case "this is it," that I owe him that. I feel like not wanting to see him makes me a bad person. I'm afraid that if I don't go my relationship with my uncle would be ruined. I'm afraid that I'll go and I'll be surrounded by all of these people who don't consider me actual family and someone will say some shit and I'll feel scared, and lonely, and depressed all over again. Or I'll just freak out and their suspicions about me and my side of the family will be confirmed. I think I have to go but I can't make myself do it. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm don't even know what the right thing to do is. Advice from people with similarly fucked families would be nice. Thanks, metafilter.

Is it okay to lie to your parents to avoid seeing them on the holidays?

bananaskin — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:23:46 -0800

How can I handle my feelings for my parents during this holiday season? I am a 40 year old, single woman, without children. I have lived away from my parents for the past 15 years or so, but recently, they have moved to 1 hour away from me (not to be near me, but to be near relatives).

Although my past with them, both as a child and up to the past year, has not been the WORST, it has been extremely difficult. My parents were both very prominent in our church, yet did not do as they "preached" at home.

I try to limit my time with them as much as possible as I have felt, and still do, very anxious, even to the point of heart palpitations, headaches, sweating, stomach aches, when I have plans to be around them and then during the time when I am around them.

At the same time, I fear NOT going to Thanksgiving and Christmas as the fall out from that may be difficult as well (calling me on the phone to chew me out, talking badly about me to the relatives).

I am "past" the point of trying to work this out with them, as I have tried, but they just can not accept me as an adult with valid opinions. They still look at me as a child and treat my concerns as such. So, what should I do?

Usually, I give an excuse, a lie, to get out of seeing them on at least one of the 2 holidays, then spend it alone....which may or may not be too bad. (please do not tell me to go spend the holiday with "friends").

I just do not want to go. What should I do?
Thank you everyone!

Tell me about the treatment of abuse in adults.

Brandon Blatcher — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:08:27 -0800

What are some of the effects of long term child abuse? What methods are used to help adults recovers from the effects of said child abuse? I need to develop the background of a fictional character who has suffered from child abuse (haven't decided on a specific type, will go with whatever sounds interesting), so details are needed concerning A) What sort of effects of does child abuse have on the behavior, attitude and personality of an adult and B) on psychiatric approaches used to help mid 20s male confront, deal with and over come the long term effects of child abuse suffered throughout his life until he left home sometime between 16-18

Specifically, what sort of treaments are there for adults to recover from abuse they suffered as a child? Are there established "stages" like the 5 stages of grief, which shrinks use as a guide post for treating adults who are still suffering the effects of long term abuse? Does that vary, based on the treatment method used? Does the type of treatment vary greatly based on whether it was sexual, physical or emotional abuse or is it similar?

How do I sue an abusive step-parent?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:43:51 -0800

How does an adult find a lawyer to sue an abusive step-parent more than a decade after the fact? I want to sue a step-parent for damages. They've ruined my life and made it a living hell of dysfunction.

I suffered over 10 years of extreme physical and emotional abuse as a child and it has wrecked me, my self confidence, my ability to function. We're not talking about a "I never got my pony" scenario. We're talking about severe physical violence from a grown adult to a child along with very severe psychological/emotional abuse.

I'm not at all interested in hearing anything about "letting bygones be bygones", or "forgive and forget". I've tried that. I'm tired of blaming myself for being broken and damaged like it was somehow my fault I had the shit kicked out of me on a daily basis.

The goals of the lawsuit are,

1. I want punitive, monetary damages to pay for therapy and treatment so I can have what's left of my life as functional as I can manage.

2. I want to help set a legal precedent that abuse isn't tolerated and parents are indeed legally and fiscally responsible for the crimes they committed under the umbrella of "parenting".

3. I want this step-parent to realize that what they did was not ok and that after many attempts at communication and reconciliation they've willfully denied their responsibility and haven't even attempted to offer an apology.

How do I find a lawyer? How do I find a pro-bono lawyer that will consider my case?

Help with touchy situation

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:54:54 -0800

I have moved back to my home town after about ten years. Throughout those years, an ex-boyfriend has been slandering me to old friends, colleagues, etc. I haven’t been in touch with a lot of these people and simply didn’t want to talk about the situation, so I didn’t. This ex-bf liked to call me a fucking bitch, pressure me for sex when I did not want it and make fun of my appearance and other aspects of my life. I finally wrote him an angry letter telling him not to contact me anymore after he made some particularly demeaning comments. This enraged him, so he started calling my and my parents’ houses and whispering fuck you in a creepy voice or just hanging up. He did this intermittently for several years. Throughout this time, I always felt uncomfortable, like he was stalking me.

Beside the letter I wrote breaking up with him, I never fought back. I never defended myself. I’m a reserved, quiet person who despises gossip, so I don’t do it. I moved across the country, traveled a lot, went to grad school and did other stuff. Now I have to be back in this community. It is very awkward with some people who are still friends with this guy. They get sort of a pained look on their face when they see me and it has been uncomfortable.

Bottom line: I simply do not know how to handle situations like this. Yes, I’ve had therapy. Yes, I’ve grown a lot and can take care of myself very well in most situations. Not incidentally, I grew up with an abusive father and became very good at not talking about things. My father and this guy are alike in that they both present themselves as great guys and seem to be considered as such, but are actually sadistic creeps behind closed doors.

So, my question is: how do I defend my reputation while keeping my integrity? How to talk about abuse when people only know the abuser as a great person? Or do I? It’s been a long time, but this situation is still affecting me. Thank you MeFi for any insights.

Upcoming trial

xopaigexo — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:42:20 -0800

How can i get through this when i have nobody to relate to? Today, I got a subpeona to go to a trial October 26th. This is the SEVENTH date they've set for this trial, seventh subpeona, i swear i have a collection.
Three years ago, I was in a sexually abusive relationship. It changed the way i viewed life, authority, justice, etc. It was long ago, but its weird the things that stick with you. I remember insignificant things, like the combat boots he wore every day, and how his eyes showed no emotion whatsoever, but i dont even remember how many times he called per day, which was somewhere in the teens but the actual average number is crucial, because they have the call records right there and are testing my credibility. I dont remember exactly what day and how long he touched me when i fought away from him, or even if he penetrated. I remember that our relationship was like a game of hide and seek, and i was afraid of coming out or breaking up with him, because i knew he would try to hunt me down, which he did when my friend told the police about what was going on.
So basically, i dont remember the things im "supposed" to as a victim and i dont think they can show me my statements from three years ago to refresh.
Also, i get through things by talking to people about it, and this ones tough. People don't understand the fear and anger i have when i get a suppeona in the mail. They dont know why i think and talk about it alot. This time may be different though. I have no faith in that trial, no faith that it will happen. I cant keep things bottled up though. When i talked to my friends and boyfriend about it, i guess you could say i dont get the answers i want or need. They'll say "oh that sucks", and yeah it does suck but i dont think about it like that. And my boyfriend tried to calm me down ( because last time i was so stressed and hyped about it ) when this time i was just simply telling him about it, and he was like "that suck really, just please dont start like last time". It sounded at first to me as a little insensitive, but he doesnt understand what im going through and neither do any of my friends. He claims that he does understand, and i like that he wants to, and know that he cares, but how could he ( or anyone ) truly understand? It feels almost that im alone in this. I have people who are there for me but can't help me. I used to be in therapy but my mom lost her job and we can't afford that anymore.
I need help on how i can get through this, ( I have anxiety disorder it is hard ) and still be able to share my feelings with friends and boyfriend knowing the answers wont always be what i wanted

Help me ask for help.

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 06:01:10 -0800

I have a traumatic past and a partner who wants to be supportive, but I don't know how to ask for support! I was in an abusive relationship four years ago. My ex hurt me pretty badly, emotionally and physically, over a period of a couple of months before I mustered the courage to leave him. I spent a couple of destructive years pretending it didn't matter and Everything Was Fine, and when that didn't work I tried therapy instead, with better results. I now have a therapist I like and am in a good relationship with a man I love.

Due to some circumstances beyond my control, I have to visit the town I lived in when I was with my ex. I will probably see some of the people who knew us, and at least drive past some of the places we frequented together. I am in a panic over all of this; just thinking about going back makes me nauseated and shaky.

My problem is that I don't know how to ask my partner for support. He can't come with me, so I'll be going by myself; we talk on the phone each night when we're apart. I get overwhelmed thinking about being anywhere near the old places and then I panic, and it takes a long time to calm down again. (Plotting out a route to get there from where I am is what motivated this question, actually; I got it done but am still feeling completely horrible hours later.)

I think it might be good to hear a pep-talk from my partner, but I don't know what sorts of things would be good to hear, and I feel like I'm being unfair when I ask for general support without having some idea in mind about what form that support should take. I also have trouble articulating my regular ghosts-of-abusive-past freakouts to him unless I've already gone over them in therapy, polished them, and come up with some kind of conclusion where I ask for a specific type of support--a backrub, a hand-holdy evening out, a ton of hugs, reminders that I am safe, etc.

Basically, if I haven't figured out exactly what is making me feel miserable and contrived a way to make me feel better, I freeze up and can't say anything at all. I have tried to talk to my partner about upsetting stuff without practicing on my therapist first, and it always ends with him being a patient listener, but frustrated over not knowing what to tell me; then I feel like a burden and a loser for not having made any progress, and even less inclined to try again.

You are not my therapist--she's on vacation and I can't see her again until our schedules coincide at the beginning of September, which I am sorely regretting. But I would really appreciate any advice that anyone can offer in the meantime. It's making me crazy that I can't talk to my partner. Throwaway email for contacting me privately is helpmeask@gmail.com.

Is my friend's fiance a domestic abuser? If so, now what?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:30:56 -0800

How can I tell if my friend's fiance is an abuser and if he is, what can I do to help her realize she needs to leave him? My friend and her fiance had a violent incident over the weekend at my house. He left and she was very resolved about breaking up with him. Over the next few days, she seemed to be searching for reasons to explain away why he became violent: alcohol, medication, a recent accident, job loss. I'm very concerned that she is not going to end the relationship.

More background. I have had a very bad feeling about this guy since they began dating. Murky past relationship history (including divorce), not good relationship with his mother (says "he has no respect for her"). A several months ago we were with her when they were fighting by phone and text, and he was very very verbally abusive. He'd been drinking. Her reaction at the time was "do I want this to be the father of my children?" We all agreed it was bad and she should cut it off, but by the next morning they were reconciled.

They have a very distrustful and rocky relationship overall, including jealousy on his part about her past hookups or boyfriends. He told me (the same night he attacked her) that he was very concerned about her ability to be faithful to him.

He also has said very offensive things about women to my husband and others in our group. We don't know this guy very well. We are a group that can have a sense of humor that is sometimes crass, but this guy's comments were just plain odd.

After the incident at my house, she confessed that recently his behavior has been physically intimidating - breaking dishes at home, shaking her, other threatening behavior -- during arguments.

So I'm trying to figure out how to 1) tell if he will be violent again; 2) if he is, what can I do/say to encourage her to leave him?

BTW - he has already given her the "I've never done this I'll never do it again I'll quit drinking any everything will be okay." She's been saying "he's so loving when he's not drinking." I know lots of drinkers, and even some alcoholics, but none of themm are violent, jealous, rage-aholics. Hence my fear that the drinking is not the issue.

Do any of you have somewhere to point me to tell if this guy has a bad and repetitive pattern? Can I get any information about his past to see if this has been a problem before? Anyone have this experience with a friend and been successful in getting her out of the relationship before it's too late (ie wedding and kids)?

Facebook friends with past abuser

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 11:27:59 -0800

Facebook's forcing me to deal with a family rift. I just found my older sister on Facebook. My younger sister would probably be very distressed if I added her because of past abuse. I miss my older sister and my her children, but don't want to cause any trouble.

In addition, I'm worried that as more of our extended family and old friends get connected, they will inevitably start asking why we aren't "friends". I don't want to answer and also don't want to be dishonest.

I guess this is more of a relationship problem masquerading as a technical problem. On the one hand, I'm kind of glad that it's coming up after a decade because, as said, I miss my family. On the other hand, I'd really like to avoid upsetting my younger sister or my parents by bringing this all up again.

I will not expand on the abuse, so don't ask. All that's relevant is she is not a danger to her kids.

Is there any way to keep separate friends lists on Facebook that I'm not seeing? Any way to hide certain things without basically making Facebook useless?

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

PTSD/EMDR questions

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:04:08 -0800

I'm a 27 year old female dealing with PTSD from extreme childhood abuse and psychoanalysis is not working. I've read previous AskMe questions, but would like more feedback from people who have had EMDR therapy. I'm also wondering if anyone has any advice on mild dissociation. A few points:

It would be tough for me to switch therapists now, but is it worth it for me to find someone who practices EMDR? Anyone have advice for or against EMDR? I've heard great things.

I don't take meds and don't tolerate them well due to side-effects.

I'm beginning to realise that I may have "dissociated" from myself, or stepped outside myself when being abused, to avoid the pain. Any thoughts on later repercussions from this? I'm beginning to feel I've left a part of myself behind, and she "comes back" under stress. My psychiatrist doesn't "interact" with me about this, just sits quietly, which is another reason I'm thinking psychoanalysis is not for me.

I'm also having trouble in personal relationships. People I want to trust inevitably sort of "become my parents" in my mind. How does one learn to trust again? Obviously I can't go on like this.

Thanks. I'm not looking for therapy here, just a little direction to get help elsewhere.

Low cost or pro bono legal aid for domestic violence / abuse victims in California?

sergeant sandwich — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 22:00:41 -0800

My friend and her ex-boyfriend got in a fight, he got violent and beat her up pretty bad. She got in the car with their baby and fled cross-country to stay with her parents. There is a hearing next month to determine custody of the child, and she doesn't want to lose the kid to what is likely going to be an abusive father. Lawyer up, right? Problem is, not a lot of money. Can you point me to any organizations in California that provide pro-bono / sliding-scale / low-cost legal aid services for abused women? So, my friend and her (now-ex) boyfriend had a child together and were living together in Fairfield, CA. In April of this year, they got in a fight over something (I don't know what), he snapped and beat the shit out of her. She took the kid and the clothes on her back and drove to her parents' house in the midwest, where she's been staying since.

There's a hearing in Fairfield at the end of July to determine the custody of the child, and she's scared that without a lawyer she's gonna lose her son and/or be forced to regularly see Mr. Violent if there's some kind of joint custody agreement.

As you can probably imagine, having to leave all your belongings and job behind on a moment's notice with toddler in tow has put her in a financial pickle, and she's having a hard time finding the $3k it will cost her to hire the cheapest lawyer she can find, and on top of that there's tickets for the flight back out to the hearing, etc. I and other friends have lent some money to help, but none of us can pony up that kind of cash on short notice.

I imagine there must be some organizations and/or social service groups which provide legal aid or representation for women who are victims of domestic violence. I've done some googling and found a few in California, but I suspect there are some knowledgeable people on AskMe who can set us on the right direction as far as finding help.

I'm not personally involved in the situation in any way, just trying to lend a hand after the fact. Any assistance anyone can provide would be appreciated in a big way.

How prevalent are puppy mills?

isopropyl — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 15:01:11 -0800

Have any major pets stores (petland, petco, ....) been linked directly to puppy mills? I worked at pet and as a vet tech and the animals came to us so sick and for lack of a better word awkward. Most had yeast infections (presumably from overuse of antibiotics) and/or upper respiratory infections. The pets came in a semi-truck and were unloaded through a tiny door in the back. I confronted the owner and he acted highly offended and told me to worry about the pets current health and not where they came from. If the animals health didn't get any better after a few days they were sent back just as if they were broken commodities. I'm working on a speech to give to a large group at my university so any statistical information or links would be great also.

I hate the idea of help - what now?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 08:16:19 -0800

Sexual abuse and a hatred of therapy – what now? I suffered years of sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather, which culminated in full penetrative sex when I was twelve. Even writing this, the shame and disgust crawls on my skin, but for the most part, the part of me that doesn’t think about it at all, I am a happy, content and successful person.

In fact, the only part of me it affects is my sex life. The first problem is that I can only pleasure myself thinking about terrible things – things where I am a man and I’m doing the things that were done to me on an eager girl. These fantasies horrify me and I try not to go there at all any more.

With other people, though, I enjoy sex well enough until I get close to them. At that point, I can’t bear for them to touch me in any way that resembles foreplay – I just want it over with. This is problem number two: I am starting to hate sex with my fiancé – one of the kindest, most understanding and wonderful people on the planet. I think am with the best person alive, and it breaks my heart that I’m starting to dread being with him in that way. He would be shocked to know I’m feeling like this – and I don’t have the heart to tell him every time he moves in a certain way or touches me in a certain way, I can only see my step dad. For now, sex involves no foreplay as it’s the only way I can do it.

But I can do it that way – and the way I see it, it’s only one small unhappiness in an overall happy life. On the other hand, my fiancé works hard to be the best person he can be for himself, for me and for the relationship. I think I owe it to the relationship to make sure I do the same.

I know the first answer will be to suggest counselling, but I don’t trust therapy at all. In fact, I'm openly hostile to the idea of it. I know my stubborn self well enough to know that I have one shot – if the first therapist doesn’t work, I know that will be it forever. Just talking anonymously makes me anxious. It would break my heart to have to divulge all of this and not have it work – or worse, have to spend years and years of time and money without seeing any tangible results. Indeed – I don’t even know what the end goal would look like to know when I got there.

Is it possible to work this out on my own? Where do I start? Is it possible to just accept this for what it is and be wonderfully happy except this one small sad area? If not, how on earth do I learn to accept the idea of therapy and find someone good – as I’m sure my attitude towards it would counter any efficacy of treatment?

Please forgive the length of this question. I really don’t know who else to ask. If it matters, I’m 29 and in London.

Stranger in Dire Straits

granted — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:47:26 -0800

I just passed a young woman walking slowly down the street, barefoot, crying, with two black eyes. About five minutes ago I was walking home from work and came up on a young woman in sweatpants and a baggy shirt, barefoot, with terribly tangled hair. She was walking so slowly and aimlessly that I first thought she was on drugs, and maybe she was, but as I passed her I saw that she had two black eyes and was crying. It looked like she'd just run away from somewhere. I stopped and asked if she was okay. She said, "yeah." I asked if she needed help or anything, and she said quietly, "Oh, no, I'll be fine..."

I went on home, feeling baffled about what to do, and called my girlfriend who also had no idea what to do. I don't think it's too late to call the police, but I also want to respect her wish to be left alone. I'm totally perplexed. What should I do?

How should I deal with my Alzheimer's father?

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 10:40:32 -0800

How should I deal with my Alzheimer's father? I have had problems with my father going back ages. He has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to not only me, but my sibling and mother as well. I had almost convinced my mom to leave him when he got Alzheimer's, and now we're stuck caring for him. I say "stuck" because he has 6 other adult children (from 2 previous marriages!) who have provided us with little help.
The fact of the matter is that I have hated him for a long time, and mostly just avoided speaking to him, being near him, etc. (difficult to do when you're living under the same roof). When I did have to confront him (to defend my mom or bro), I would do it, though I'd be scared out of my mind, because it was okay to go after someone who's just a jerk.

Now that he's sick, however, I can't do it anymore, partially because of my own sensibilities (can't attack the weak) and partially because of what others would say or do.

Problem is, he's no less of an a**hole than when he was healthy. A few days ago, he ended up hitting me (just on my arm) after I tried explaining to him that no, we aren't keeping his money, it's just that he keeps losing it after we give it to him. Today, I told him to please not put some dusty records on top of our clean dining table (I care for him in the mornings before heading off to work and class in order to help my mom out), and he responded "F**k you b**ch, idiot, useless, worst child I've ever had" (mind you, none of the others have cared for him), etc.
It's killing me to not be able to retaliate. I feel so powerless, and I hate that more than anything. I want to just stick him in some home, or leave myself, but neither one of those are options right now. In the meantime, my brother (who has his own problems, i.e. teen with an Autism spectrum disorder) is acting up, my mom is stressed to the point of becoming physically ill, and I'm having a hard time focusing on getting my stuff (e.g. schoolwork) done.

So what can I do? Yoga? Stay outside the house more? Don't say therapy, I'm already doing that but it's not enough for just getting through the day-to-day stuff. The powerless thing is probably the clincher - if I felt stronger, I could probably handle it better.

Sorry this is so long; I think I partly needed to rant, in addition to looking for some answers. Thanks to anybody who can provide help.

FW: FW: FW: FW: RE: Check this out! LOL

Liver — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 09:27:58 -0800

Should I try to take back our Exchange server from the inappropriate uses? I'm an IT worker in a small local government IT shop. We have roughly 250 - 300 users. Recently I've been taking a more active roll in the management of our spam firewall and Exchange server, and have made some interesting observations.

I am not shocked, but I am thoroughly appalled at the amount of personal email that travels through our server. It turns out that the top users of email resources aren't the important decision-makers and managers, but the lowest level employees with very little legitimate work use for email. For example, the #1 email user in our entire organization is a receptionist that answers phones for the tax department. What are these emails? Albino moose pictures, prayer forwards, angel pictures, chain forward, inspirational videos, and the like.

This is just one person, but there are a hundred more out there that either through ignorance of apathy are misusing the government email server as their own personal email provider.

Part of the problem, I think, is that most of these people are not computer & internet savvy. Their email address here is the first one they've ever had, and they have zero concept of what is and isn't appropriate email. To them, there is just EMAIL. Dancing baby forwards are just as legitimate as a message from their boss, or a member of the public seeking help.

As I see it I have a few options.

1) Do nothing. Accept that people are using county resources for their personal business and try to minimize the impact on legitimate users. This is the easy way out, and the way we got into this situation to begin with.

2) Bring the hammer down. Get aggressive with what comes and goes. Block all images by default. Train spam filters to block inappropriate emails. Tighten disk quotas to noose-like levels on "regular" users. Tell users to get hotmail/gmail/yahoo accounts for personal use. Expect resistance.

3) Something in between.

I'm especially interested in hearing from anyone who may have come into a poorly managed IT department and had to affect changes to both the technology and the culture side of problems similar to this.

What is the purpose of this livejournal bot?

anonymisc — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 17:18:18 -0800

What mischief is this LiveJournal bot up to? An unknown livejournal "user", zdvovl, friended me, so I looked at the profile, and it had friended some of my friends too. (It had a friends list of over 200, about 8 of which were friends of mine). In some cases, there was no-one in the world, besides me, who could possibly know both of those users, or social circles, and there were clusters of friendings that aligned with social circles, so zdvovl was clearly using my friendslist (and those of my friends) to find users to friend. (Likewise, zdvovl was happy to friend ancient clearly-abandoned web-detritus accounts that it found in my friendslist, and other stuff that is unusual for genuine users to do).

I did a google search, and found some recent friendings that zdvovl was no-longer friends with. It appeared that zdvovl was trawling the network of friendships - it would friend users, use their friends list to friend their friends, de-friend them, and thus move through the social web of friendships, maintaining it's friendslist total in the 200s, but quickly making (and recording?) a far far greater number of connections over time. Mapping out who knows who? Recording all public lj entries? I don't know.

True to form, a few days later, zdvovl de-friended my account, and it has moved beyond the circles of users that I know.
Quirk: It doesn't appear to de-friend users that have friended it.

Livejournal has procedures for legitimate search-engine bots to follow, so I assume this is something illegitimate. (The name itself sounds generated - are there more of these bot-users?)

Does anyone know anything about this? Anything similar? What is the likely purpose of this bot? I can come up with a lot of speculative ideas, many of which would be an unwelcome use of Livejournal.

When to share the baggage? When to keep it to yourself?

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:56:55 -0800

Should I tell my boyfriend about past abuse? Six years ago, as a freshman in college, I ended a relationship after the man I was dating lashed out at me physically. He shoved, choked, and punched me. Afterwards, he told our mutual friends that he had ended the relationship, not me, because I had been unfaithful (not true, for what it's worth). For the most part, they believed him, and while they were civil to me I lost them as friends. It was a pretty painful time; after the attack he continued to follow and harass me for months afterward, and for quite some time I was in constant fear of seeing him again.

I did see a therapist, and feel that for the most part, I've put all this behind me. I don't think about it that often, and it doesn't affect my life now - most of the time. Sometimes, though, little things will happen that just trigger painful memories. For one, I cannot stand the feeling of anything around my neck. No panic attacks or anything, I just - don't feel normal. It's difficult to explain, and I hope I'm not sounding pathetic - I just know something's wrong.

So, my moral dilemma. My boyfriend & I have been together now for about a year and a half. I deeply love & care about this person. Occasionally, these...triggers occur, and while they don't necessarily hurt our relationship, I sometimes just wish I could explain myself. An example - we were riding bikes the other day, and I was wearing a new helmet. The strap kept pressing against my neck & chin and I started to feel more & more nervous, so I kept stopping & adjusting it. He became increasingly annoyed, and we ended the ride pissed off at each other.

Other things like this have happened. Occasionally, not often, I'm (in his mind) inexplicably sad or withdrawn. I know that it's because of something that's reminded me of what happened, but of course, he has no idea. I suppose I just want to be able to share an experience that colored so much of my earlier years. At the same time, though, I've worked to put the pain of all this behind me. I don't want to give any of that pain to someone else.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? If telling my current boyfriend about what happened is truly selfish, I do not want to do it. My intent is not to make myself feel better or relieve myself of some sort of burden. If the answer is to return to therapy, I'll do that (although what then - keep that a secret, too?). I just want to be known, flawed history, damaged goods & all.

Can animal abuse be a 1 time thing?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:46:29 -0800

I came home unexpectedly yesterday to discover my fiance kicking our beloved dog. I am not sure how to proceed. Please help. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 6 months after a 3 year courtship. We're getting married in June. he's always been a kind and caring person who would never hurt a fly. We have had "Alley" since she was a puppy, and she's our baby. We're planning on having kids after we marry and I want Alley to be their dog too.

My fiance recently lost his job and has fought off depression and anxiety. Recently he's changed into a different and angrier person. He's been in therapy and is on anti-anxiety meds. He sits at home all day watching TV or sleeping. Yesterday I made an unexpected trip home in the middle of the day to get a few papers for work and heard yelps and whines. I ran into the kitchen to find my fiance kicking Alley out the door and into the backyard. She looked confused and ran up to him, and he kicked her again. I intercepted him and pulled him into the house, and he started yelling about how she wouldn't stop barking at the telephone (she has never done this before). I've never seen him so angry. I took Alley and went to my sisters house. When I came home to find my husband gone, with a written letter that was profusely apologetic and promised to never be violent again. He has never once raised his voice to me, let alone Alley.

I am wondering if someone really can just be overcome by a fit of anger that will never happen again. Can this be a one-time thing? Am I being melodramatic?

Posted for a friend, who will be monitoring the thread closely.

How do you get closure about something you're not sure even happened?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:35:53 -0800

I may have been abused as a child, but I'll never know for sure. How can I stop worrying about it? I may have been sexually abused as a young child (up until the age of about six) by a close relative. I have no memories of any abuse, but one of my parents was worried enough about changes in my behavior that they brought me to a therapist to get her opinion. The therapist's opinion was that I hadn't been molested but I *do* have memories of playing games in her office that in retrospect must have been designed to provoke reactions in me to sexual stimuli - I remember being incredibly uncomfortable but feeling like I had to pretend like I didn't notice anything because it was wrong for me to know what the words and pictures meant.

Whether or not I was abused, I have long known it was a possibility that I was (and I have also always known that someone else in my family had been). We have slowly reconciled with the family member in question to the point where everything is pretty much normal with them. It has been almost twenty years since this all came out.

I have never really tried to deal with my feelings about the whole thing. I tend to feel like if I can't remember being abused then for all practical purpose I wasn't abused and I shouldn't worry about it and it would be silly for me to try to access the resources for "real" survivors of abuse and it would make things harder for the family as a whole to heal.

The reason I'm asking these questions is that I've recently become sexually active for the first time and the way I behave in bed worries me. I go beyond shy - I have difficulty speaking at all, telling my partner what I want them to do, what I don't want them to do, that I want them to stop. I had an experience a couple years ago where it took me ten minutes to work up the courage to tell a boy I didn't want to have sex with him.

Obviously this is something that I need to work out regardless and I have faith that I can. And I know it is likely that what's happening now and the possible abuse aren't connected.

I guess I wonder whether it makes sense to dredge up this old topic or whether I should just do my best just to forget about it, since I'll never know? Or whether I'm making a big deal out of nothing by worrying about it and being a drama queen? Whether I should talk to my partner about this (the possible abuse, obviously I will talk to him about the problems I've been having in bed)? Whether I should see a therapist?

I know you're not experts, I just want to get some advice, and I don't have many friends I can talk to about this. Also I know I've been kind of vague here and that it's a touchy topic so I made a throwaway email account - askmethrowaway@gmail.com - and I can also follow up with the mods. Thanks.

Sister molested, police won't help. What can I do?

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 10:09:16 -0800

My sister was molested, and the authorities haven't done a thing. Is there anything I can do to move this along? So, my little sister confided in me that she was sexually assaulted by her best friend's step-dad while she was sleeping over there. I let my parents know and then I took her to the hospital immediately while my parents got a hold of the police.

My sister's friend has also gone to someone and accused her step-father of doing the same to her. Later on she took it back and the case was dropped. Basically her screwed up mother brainwashed her into believing this was okay, and that if she did send her step-father to jail she'd have to go live with her real dad.

It's now been a year since this happened and after months of the police telling us they were looking into it, they've finally said they can't do anything about it. My sister's friend will not come forward and testify against this man.

Really? We have a doctor's report from the day after the incident stating she'd been touched. Isn't that enough? Basically because he says he didn't do it, and he didn't leave any DNA behind he's free to do this without worry?

This is absolutely disgusting and I can't believe this man isn't in jail yet.

I don't know if there's anything that can be done, but if there's any advice out there to help me put this dirt bag away and give my little sister peace of mind, I'd appreciate it.

I'm not sure if any state laws make a difference in this situation, but for added information we live in the state of Michigan.

champagne abuse

kristymcj — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 08:43:48 -0800

How badly can a bottle of champagne be abused before it becomes undrinkable? In 1999 I was given a bottle of 1986 champagne. It has lived horizontally in a padded wine-box.
It was periodically stored in a non-temperature-controlled storage unit...in Texas (temps up to 110 f.)

Could it possibly have survived?