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317 posts tagged with abuse.
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My parent survived child abuse. Is it impacting us now?

What information and support is out there for adult children of people who themselves survived child abuse (including physical, sexual, and verbal / emotional abuse)? How can abuse survivors' families (including adult children) navigate the effects of untreated trauma? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 18, 2014 - 18 answers

Trolling IRL: Asshats, does the ass come first — or the hat?!

Ok, I'm studying a new improv role and really struggling to capture my character's essence. How do I act like a subtle but ruthless aggressor... without swerving into TV dominatrix land? Think strong, machiavellian, sadistic and contemptuous. With a kick of prima donna. [more inside]
posted by fritillary on Dec 1, 2014 - 18 answers

Need a good lawyer in Victoria or Vancouver, British Columbia

A friend in Victoria is trying to extricate herself from an emotionally abusive relationship. She has been living with this man for ten years and they own a house jointly. [more inside]
posted by Johnny Wallflower on Nov 30, 2014 - 4 answers

Seeking fellow victims...

Reading the news articles about the accusations of rape made against Bill Cosby has suddenly made me resolutely certain of the fact that my rapist has had other victims. My question is, how does one "find" those other victims... without going to court or being super public about having been raped? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 18, 2014 - 10 answers

Internet spying as part of domestic abuse. How can one protect oneself?

The question pertains to the linksys smart wifi router but it could be applicable for anything comparable. My sister is in an abusive marriage and is working on figuring things out at this point. She has noticed that her husband is increasingly making it difficult for her to get online (starting with blocking websites). I know blocking websites can be done on any new router that has a companion app but is it possible to actually snoop on a computer within the home network? If so, how much data can be gathered (web history, key logs, passwords etc) ? Secondly, how can she protect herself from being spied on? Is it possible to encrypt all data leaving a computer/ipad before it hits the router? She is not particularly computer savvy. I am a bit more advanced user than her but networking technologies aren't in my skill sets. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 17, 2014 - 20 answers

How do you move on after a really bad fight?

My hubby and I had an enormous blowup a few months ago and it's still bothering me. I am seeing a counselor to work through some of the residual feelings and depression that have come in the aftermath of the fight, which is helping a lot. I would like some additional insight from other MeFites about how you have dealt with difficult feelings with a partner after a really bad incident. [more inside]
posted by chatelaine on Nov 6, 2014 - 120 answers

Brainwashing recovery resources

I'm looking for some resources for my experiences. The best term I've come up with is brainwashing. My therapists do not know of any, but had experience with working with it to an extent. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 30, 2014 - 6 answers

A Long Time Ago, In A Relationship Far, Far Away

When should I tell new partners about past abuse? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 23, 2014 - 11 answers

Abusive parents still blame me

My parents were abusive and awful. I recently tried to get back in touch out of a misplaced hope for connection. They blame me (!?) for making them look bad, among other things, and want me to apologize. What should I do? [more inside]
posted by 3491again on Oct 23, 2014 - 23 answers

Preventing my mother's abusive husband from holding my newborn daughter

How do I tactfully prevent my mother's abusive husband (but not my mother) from holding my newborn daughter when they visit me on Friday? [more inside]
posted by corn_bread on Oct 22, 2014 - 44 answers

Is my sister abusing her husband? How do I help?

My sister is out of control and her behavior is hurting her husband (physically and emotionally) and children (only emotionally). I am not sure how to help anyone in the situation or where to turn for help. Is this none of my business? Do I have a responsibility to step in? [more inside]
posted by RingerChopChop on Oct 13, 2014 - 29 answers

Re-learning to enjoy simple, often taken-for-granted pleasures

There have been threads about simple pleasures before, but I'm asking as a person fresh-out of an abusive relationship. I feel like I've been missing a lot of the little things that I used to enjoy and even took for granted, and I'm at a loss. I need be aware of simple pleasures in order to recharge myself while I do all of the emotional/psychically/mentally draining work of recovering from all this. Examples after the jump. [more inside]
posted by mingo_clambake on Oct 10, 2014 - 19 answers

Help me escape an abusive family and its ghosts

I grew up in a toxic family. I have cut off contact from most members, but they go to great lengths to find me. This is mentally distressing and sometimes I want to give up. How can I keep them away from me? How can I get past this shame and abuse, especially if I am unable to afford therapy? How do I (not) tell people about my family relationships? Anon for privacy reasons, more detail and snowflakes below the fold. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 1, 2014 - 27 answers

How do gf and I deal with different approaches to irritation and anger?

Our relationship is mostly great, but we disagree about the appropriateness of expressing irritation and anger at your partner. She can be outbursty, and I can be over-sensitive, so we might bicker, and then fight about the fighting, and we're trying to break the cycle. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 27, 2014 - 55 answers

How does a person change his relationship with toxic parents?

I don't want to be around my parents, but my guilt keeps me in contact with them. How can I get to a place where I don't feel bad about not interacting with them unless it's on my terms? [more inside]
posted by stedman15 on Sep 24, 2014 - 19 answers

What percentage of youth in foster care have parents who were in FC?

Research help: What percentage of youth in foster care are born to parents who were at one point in foster care of themselves? I'm looking for information on the prevalence of intergenerational child abuse and experiences of foster care. In addition to the question above, I am also interested in what percentage of perpetrators of child abuse were victims of child abuse themselves. I've done some digging myself and haven't been able to find any data on this.
posted by chefscotticus on Sep 21, 2014 - 5 answers

The sibling who molested me is getting ordained

I am a woman in my early 30’s. Starting when I was around 8, my older sister (who would have been 11) molested me. We have never talked about this. My parents know but are in denial. In high school, she became interested in religion and became a Christian, which has endured since then, and a few years ago she decided to attend seminary and become a minister. I have thought about all the complexities of this, but I am still not sure how best to proceed, if I proceed at all. I want whatever I do, if I do anything, to be healing (mostly for myself), fair, and considerate of all involved. I’m putting more information inside, and, while I can’t boil this down to a single question, would love any thoughts you have on this issue. I am posting anonymously, but if you’d like me to contact you for any reason, just say so and I will PM you from my real account. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 20, 2014 - 18 answers

How does one document emotional and verbal abuse?

I am trying to get an idea of how to document emotional abuse. My sister is in an abusive relationship and I am of the opinion that separation is not the worst idea. I am at my wit's end trying to figure out what to do to help my sister. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 28, 2014 - 8 answers

Should I file a contempt claim on my ex-husband?

My ex-husband hates me. I mean, REALLY hates me. I left him 4 years ago after years of emotional and verbal abuse, and he still has not once looked me in the eye or spoken directly to me since then. We have a 10-year-old daughter together and the divorce agreement says we should split her medical costs (doctor visits and prescription meds) 50/50. I emailed him to ask him to pay his share ($30) from a recent appointment and he emailed back saying that because he had taken her to get her hair cut, he should not have to pay. He then sent me pictures (!) of some over-the-counter cough drops he'd purchased for our daughter and demanded that I reimburse him for them, saying that if I refused I would "set a dangerous and vitriolic (sic) precedent in our relationship." What should I do? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 21, 2014 - 24 answers

GMail: Blocking abusers by IP address?

I'm working with someone (outside of the US) who is getting a series of harassing emails to her GMail account. The abuser is sending from a number of addresses, and is thus hard to identify or block by account. Is there a way to get GMail to block mail by IP address? Filters don't seem to do it, and I doubt reporting the abuse to Google will get a response. Other solutions would also be appreciated (yes, I am talking to her about potentially using other services). Thanks!
posted by gusandrews on Aug 15, 2014 - 9 answers

Hearing voices. Need help.

This is hard to write, but I'll try to get things out... I've been hearing voices and I don't know what to do. Be prepared for a book... [more inside]
posted by kathrynm on Aug 13, 2014 - 42 answers

Bibliotherapy for misandry?

Can you recommend novels, short stories or even biographies that might help me overcome my fear, distrust and occasional feelings of downright hatred towards men? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 6, 2014 - 25 answers

Partner's Abusive Ex and Communicating My Boundaries

I need advice on how to explain to my partner why I wont be attending a birthday party for the child she co-parents with her emotionally abusive ex. [more inside]
posted by peterpete on Aug 5, 2014 - 36 answers

living with acceptance in an unjust world

Yet another coping with life after child abuse question (TW): I am really struggling with the idea of fairness in the world and the stigma of being mentally ill due to abuse. Looking for resources or stories to help me start to come to terms with an unjust world. [more inside]
posted by kanata on Aug 2, 2014 - 33 answers

How can you recognize a secure person if you’re insecure?

Am I ruining a great relationship with my anxiety or am I anxious because my relationship is not great? Is there a way to tell the difference between irrational anxiety and alarm bells? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 20, 2014 - 9 answers

Looking For A Study on Abusers and When They Show Their True Colors

I read a study online somewhere that physically abusive men on average wait three years before escalating to physical violence. Does anyone know the study, and can you give me a link? [more inside]
posted by magstheaxe on Jul 6, 2014 - 1 answer

How do I gain street smarts to protect myself and my children?

How does one overcome thought processes and the resulting bad decision making from a lifetime of abuse and poor examples. [more inside]
posted by tenaciousmoon on May 29, 2014 - 18 answers

Resources for abuse/DV in the Netherlands?

What are some good helplines and other resources for women in abusive relationships in the Netherlands? [more inside]
posted by pahalial on May 21, 2014 - 5 answers

Nonfiction book about recovering from domestic abuse?

I read the article linked to in the metafilter post "Who gets to graduate," which showed "Inception"-like evidence of the power of exposing someone to a simple idea in shifting their thought processing and hence life choices. This made me think that it would probably behoove me to use this trick to help myself move forward in my desired direction of being a trusting, compassionate person who can feel a bond with people I meet and not a disdainful, broken asshole who sees people as convenient resources rather than potential friends.So I would like to find a nonfiction, first person account of someone's recovery from domestic abuse (or other traumatic event, I suppose). Bonus: Writing which included wry, dark or acerbic humor would be completely awesome. Thanks, as always.
posted by FiveSecondRule on May 18, 2014 - 12 answers

Schizophrenia, elder abuse, and minding our own business

Our schizophrenic neighbor appears to be emotionally abusing his elderly mother. When do we step in? [more inside]
posted by sportbucket on May 16, 2014 - 14 answers

How much did I contribute to my mom staying in her abusive marriage?

My dad is verbally abusive. My mother told me many times as a child that she want to divorce him but is staying for the kids. She said that when I grew up, she would leave my dad and come live with me forever. When I became an adult, I decided I don't want my mom living with me for the rest of my life. She is still with my dad, being verbally abused. Did I cause her to stay in her abusive marriage because I changed my mind? [more inside]
posted by cheesecake on May 7, 2014 - 60 answers

You're Just A Fatty McFatterson Whining About Pain.

Pap test anxiety! How do you cope with having to get a pap test and get the results you want out of the appointment when you have a history of really crappy dismissive doctors? (abuse/gender complications). [more inside]
posted by kanata on May 1, 2014 - 17 answers

Report a Gmail hack attempt to the hacker's IP?

Last night, Google notified me of suspicious activity wherein someone used my password to log in to Gmail. Google automatically foiled the attempt, and reported the malicious user's IP address to me. Is it useful/safe to report the abuse to the user's ISP? [more inside]
posted by OHSnap on Apr 17, 2014 - 4 answers

How to explain rental history?

I am looking to rent a house, but my rental history is a bit spotty: I moved every six months for the last 1.5 years due to life circumstances, and one of my past landlords will probably not give me a good reference through no fault of my own. How do I deal with this? [more inside]
posted by sockermom on Mar 28, 2014 - 9 answers

Blocking traffic to my blog

Is there a way to block links from a certain referrer from viewing my Tumblr page, say through a javascript redirect to a blank page or a different page altogether? My blog has appeared on a site known for abuse and harassment and (though I have luckily not received any yet) I'd love to keep it from happening eventually. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 10, 2014 - 5 answers

Resources for abusive spouses seeking help?

I've just left an abusive relationship and have found information and support from domestic violence organizations, churches, therapists, etc. for myself as a victim of domestic violence. What I haven't found is information I can pass on to my ex to support his willingness to seek help. Is there a comprehensive list of links to mental health resources that explain to an abuser/person with anger issues how to seek help or, even better, how to do the work necessary to make that help useful? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 19, 2014 - 22 answers

How can I help a friend in an abusive relationship that she almost left?

My best friend has been seeing someone for about 7-8 months now. Initially, he seemed very nice and friendly. However, as the months have gone by he's turned out to not be right for her. To make things worse, she's being emotionally abused by him on a rather subtle level, to the point where several times she's been crying while talking to me about him. A couple of weeks ago almost broke up with him after talking with me about recent problem, where I got fed up with the crap she was dealing with and told her she should end it. Since I know she tends to listen to me and to trust my thoughts, should I make a bigger effort to convince her to leave this guy? [more inside]
posted by hytrack on Feb 15, 2014 - 22 answers

How do I get these photos removed from the web?

I am a midwifery student in the US. I found a website of a man who claims to be a midwife. This man has a very disturbing website with very graphic, I would say pornographic, photos of women whose births he has attended. These are poor women of color from another country. Going by the demographics, it is likely that many of these women come from conservative catholic background and would be horrified by nude photos of themselves plastered all over the internet. There is little chance that most of these women have internet access and ZERO Chance that all of these women have consented to these photos being placed on the world wide web. I am very angry that these women have had such graphic photos placed of them on the web without their consent. What steps should I take to have these photos taken down, if that is possible? I have done a whois search and gotten that info. What is my best possible course of action to have the maximum chance of having these women's photos removed and/or the site shut down?
posted by anonymous on Feb 15, 2014 - 15 answers

Promiscuity should not be the answer.

I grew up in an implicitly sex-negative environment. More recently, I was raped. I had next to no sexual experience at the time and barely understood what was going on while it was happening. I had very little interest in sex in the months after that, but suddenly, I am now extremely preoccupied with the idea of sleeping with other 50 to 60-year old, educated white males. [more inside]
posted by gemutlichkeit on Jan 28, 2014 - 26 answers

Should I butt in or stay out of this?

I (Sa Dec) am asking this for a friend. My friend M.'s friend is in a life-threatening abusive relationship, but refuses to get help for it. Should M. tell her friend's family about the friend's situation or stay out? What should M. do to help? [more inside]
posted by Sa Dec on Jan 2, 2014 - 19 answers

So apparently my family is publicly bragging about our child abuse now?

So I log onto facebook for the first time in weeks today and see my brother has posted this image and my mother has "liked" it. Nothing that was done to us as kids would qualify as spanking (punched in the side of the head very often, welts on skin, bruises, dad threatening my sister with a kitchen knife, holding us off the ground by our necks, locking us in the bathroom and hitting us for half an hour for eating the wrong yoghurt from the fridge, knocked over if we ever spoke back to them etc). My brother was actually very rarely hit and it stopped altogether when mum threatened to divorce dad after he hit my brother badly one time. (No such luck for us girls though). I'm SO ANGRY right now and want to react but don't know how it would improve anything. I feel like I'm being goaded but am trapped in how I handle this, with it being a public forum all my friends can see. Please Mefi help me stay calm and do this right (even if that means doing nothing). [more inside]
posted by everydayanewday on Dec 10, 2013 - 39 answers

Good (free) resources for overcoming sexual/emotional abuse?

How to heal after living with a sex addict? I am looking for good sources of personal empowerment concerning sexuality (female) and possibly examples of men who actually love deeply and see sex as an expression of love as well as passion...any leads? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 7, 2013 - 10 answers

My, what big eyes you have

Having trouble with a visiting relative, do I confront or just avoid? [more inside]
posted by readygo on Dec 7, 2013 - 36 answers

Supporting friend with PTSD and dealing with my own anger

How do I support my friend, who was diagnosed with PTSD for severe sexual abuse? How do I deal with my own anger towards the perpetrators and guilt for not having done more? [more inside]
posted by fantoche on Nov 27, 2013 - 14 answers

Stranger in a Strange Land

I'm considering confronting my father with the threat of estrangement. What should I know before initiating this kind of "break" with family? (Snowflakes abound, but general guidance helps too!) [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 18, 2013 - 20 answers

Trusting after past abuse

I'm already in therapy. What can I do on my own, when I interact with others, so I won't feel so guarded? I'm noticing that despite a lot of healing from my past relationship, including EMDR, I continue to be very cautious and awkward with people. I feel vulnerable and expect to be criticized and rejected. The walls I'm putting up are leading me to a feeling of loneliness. How can I go back to being my authentic, warm, openhearted self? [more inside]
posted by Rainflower on Nov 9, 2013 - 6 answers

How to discuss my past abusive relationship?

About five months ago, I left a verbal abuser and moved back to my hometown. I've managed to recover from most of the issues I posted about in my last AskMes. I'm seriously looking for work and have made some healthy friendships. If I'm pretty close to someone, I feel that disclosing my relationship history is part of getting to know them. Especially since my relationship and recovery have led me on a markedly different life path. [more inside]
posted by Rainflower on Oct 28, 2013 - 20 answers

Resources on healthy relationships

I want to give my niece some resources on what healthy relationships look like. Help me find them. [more inside]
posted by not that girl on Oct 22, 2013 - 19 answers

I look like my mother. How do I deal with this?

Many facial features I have are very similar to my mother's. She's not ugly or anything, but I don't have a good relationship with her. I am having self image problems because of this. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 20, 2013 - 13 answers

Abuse resources near Jacksonville

I'm looking for resources for a young woman looking to leave her abusive household near Jacksonville, Florida. The woman in question is a distant relation of legal age, but still living with her parents.
posted by mkb on Oct 10, 2013 - 5 answers

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