Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with abortion

Where to get an abortion in the San Francisco Bay Area?

carolinaherrera — Wed, 01 May 2013 19:40:34 -0800

Where should my friend get a (surgical or medical) abortion in the San Francisco Bay Area? (for a friend) Asking for a friend who read my earlier askme and wants me to ask all of you.

She needs to terminate her pregnancy and has a few questions:

- She has Kaiser insurance but is also willing to pay out of pocket for a better experience. Have you had an experience at Kaiser with this procedure?

- If you were going to get an abortion in the San Francisco Bay Area, who is the absolute BEST doctor to go to? Imagine that cost/location/etc. is no object.

She's very worried about complications. Never had children, probably 6 - 8 weeks along (needs to verify), could be a surgical or medical abortion. (The answer to my previous question appears to be that surgical is better, but if someone has statistics to the contrary, please share them.)

Also, I imagine you can't just search for this on Yelp or similar sites. Is there somewhere else to look for success rates, reviews, etc.?

Late 30s, unplanned pregnancy, unstable relationship, confused

kribensa — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 06:50:31 -0800

Late 30s, unplanned pregnancy, unstable relationship, confused. This is my first time posting here so please bear with me. I'm in my late 30s, divorced, with a 9-year-old child. For the past 2 years, I've been involved with a man I love dearly...however, our relationship has always been rather tumultuous. He has bipolar disorder, and when we met, he was not taking medication or under any type of psychiatric care. I didn't know how to handle his mood swings, irrational accusations of infidelity/dishonesty, and controlling behaviors so I broke up with him. A few months later he contacted me and said he was under the care of a psychiatrist, medicated, and stable. We got back together. Things were better, but still rocky at times. We were engaged for a few months last fall, had another falling out, and got back together. We decided it was best to hold off on marriage for a while. He owns his home but is currently unemployed, living off savings and has tenants who are essentially covering the mortgage. About a month ago, I found out I'm pregnant. He absolutely doesn't want the baby and the rational part of me knows it would not be the right thing to do. I love him but I know this relationship is pretty much over. I'm extremely hormonal, and he's been pretty unsupportive, telling me I'm not emotionally ready to have another baby, that it would place an unfair burden on my family (I travel a lot for work, and my parents watch my 9 year old during those times), that he doesn't want to be forced to be a father, and some other rather terrible things. So, the right thing to do seems clear.

But....it's still so hard. I already feel attached to the "baby,"....and the thought of having an abortion tears me up. At this point, my bf and I are broken up, and I would have to go through the procedure/recovery without him. I'm afraid of how I would feel afterwards, that the sense of loss would overwhelm me. I've looked into adoption....I think I could go through with it if it means the chance for the child to have a shot at a normal, happy life with 2 stable parents. But I don't know how that would impact the child I do have, and my family. At my age, this will probably be my last pregnancy and I'm just so confused as to how to proceed. I've only told 2 friends--one is also pregnant (happily married) and supports whatever decision I make...the other has pretty much stopped talking to me. She's been telling me for some time that the bf is bad news, and said she can't stand by and watch him ruin my life.

So....thoughts? Advice? Kind words? A kick in the butt for making such a stupid mistake?

Help my friend get an Extrauterine pregnancy abortion in China? IKYANMD

crawltopslow — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 09:21:09 -0800

Help my friend get an Extrauterine pregnancy abortion in China? IKYANMD We are in China. And I know you are not my doctor.

She went to the doctor, they said they needed to check her HGC level (or something similar), if it's below 1000, she can just take some medicine (Mefipristone) to kill the fetus. They said if it's over 1000 they can not give her any medicine to kill the baby (it wouldn't be useful with HGC level over 1000 they say) and she would be forced to have surgery for extrauterine pregnancy, which is dangerous according to google/wikipedia.

They said they can't and don't give Methotrexate (which I think according to wikipedia is the best medicine for extrauterine abortions) in China, it's illegal in 100% of cases (according to our bottom of the rung doctor in our small city in China)

We are waiting 2 days for results of HGC level, to see how to proceed, if HGC level is below 1000 they suggest just taking Mefipristone to kill the fetus, which I understand as per google/wikipedia is meant to abort any normal fetus, not meant for extrauterine fetus. If it's above 1000, she has surgery to remove the fetus (not a normal abortion surgery)..

My questions:

How successful is Mefipristone in aborting extrauterine pregnancies?
What is this HGC thing they are talking about and what should I know about it?
We have 2 days to make decisions and figure things out, and I want to calm and console this young couple.

Any suggestions for my friend and her boyfriend?

I suggested to them that we go to Guangzhou, but they are strongly against it, because of money concerns, and her parents, and classmates and teachers finding out.

Abortion Payment

past — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 12:07:57 -0800

My male friend has impregnated his girlfriend - she has set conditions that must be met in order for her to have the abortion. He must pay for the abortion - he consents. However, she has decided that he also cannot be present at the clinic at the time of the appointment - therefore the question is of the transmittance of funds. The clinic only accepts debit, credit, or cash at the time of the appointment.

What can he do to avoid simply handing her cash?

I know this is odd but he wants this to end, as soon as possible, with the termination of the child. Prior to conception they consented upon abortion as the step to taken upon that event, and upon the event she has reneged their agreement.

Thank you for any answers

What to expect after you're no longer expecting

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 06:24:10 -0800

I had an abortion two months ago, and I'm feeling isolated and struggling with the idea that life is carrying on as though nothing has happened. How did you start feeling normal again? I got pregnant with an IUD fitted, so it was very much unplanned. I'd never wanted children, and the medication I take would make birth defects likely. This, and the risk of miscarriage if the IUD was either removed or stayed in place, made my partner and I decide it was the best option to take. I've always been pro-choice but it was still an unexpectedly tough decision.

However, I feel like I've been through this frightening and disorientating experience in secret. I don't currently live with my partner - he is in a different city, we can't move in together until next year - and I live as a lodger, and do not have the kind of relationship with my housemates that means I would discuss this stuff with them. I spoke to two friends - one offered me a place to stay if I needed it, the other responded with 'well if it were me [getting accidentally pregnant] I'd be over the moon' and then said that as I hadn't mentioned it since I told her, I didn't seem to want to talk about it. My partner is happy to talk about it with me, but I find it hard to talk about this stuff over the phone. I am in psychotherapy at the moment and have brougth it up there, but on a day to day basis I feel like I'm pretending nothing happened.

Everything happened very quickly and I go from not being sure it ever really happened at all, to having occasional flashbacks - the wallpaper, smells, the GP telling me my due date, never knowing whether it would have been a boy or a girl. I feel I want to tell people why I feel so physically and mentally drained recently, or someone to be sympathetic, but it's not a topic that's easy to bring up in the same way as, say, bereavement - I've been around my friend, or my mum (who knew and was sympathetic) and I haven't been able to even bring it up, and because it's a taboo subject I am not sure whether I can bring it up with others. It feels weirdly like someone's died and nobody knows about it, and I have no frame of reference for how to deal with this. A colleague e-mailed round her first scan this week, and I keep thinking about how I would be doing the same just now, and instead of congratulating her I had to leave the room because I was crying.

I also have the feeling that I should be 'over it' by now - partner says that given the circumstances it was a fait accompli and I've done nothing wrong, but I still feel upset and guilty at times. I thought it might be hormonal and I would relax with time, so I don't know if it is normal to still feel like this after a couple of months. I find that I'm spending most of my time away from work sitting in my room, not wanting to deal with people at all, mostly playing solitaire because I don;t have the energy to do very much at all.

Basically: is this normal? And how did you deal with it, and do things ever feel 'normal' again?

Counseling for man involved in an unplanned pregnancy

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 07:40:21 -0800

A friend of mine just found out that his ex-girlfriend is several weeks pregnant, very likely with his child. It's a very messy situation. He is panicked and doesn't know what to do. He needs guidance, but none of his friends are equipped to provide it to him. Who can he turn to? Before he has further discussions with the mother, I feel the first step for him is to speak one-on-one with a professional, preferably male, who can give him impartial and non-judgmental advice about his situation, in terms of:

- How to approach options about the unexpected pregnancy
- How to handle disclosure
- What this means for his relationships with women
- Legal/financial issues (though maybe can be handled separately)

Who can provide this help? I am thinking maybe a social worker, psychologist, couples therapist, but don't really know who specializes in this stuff and whom to talk to.

Anti-choice except for my daughter

ennui.bz — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 13:28:08 -0800

Is there a link to something moderately believable on the internet talking about an encounter with an anti-choice protester and her daughter in a Planned Parenthood waiting room? I feel like I've read this essay somewhere, but maybe I am confusing someones personal anecdote...

Was this behaviour inappropriate?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 07:30:59 -0800

Some twenty years ago, I fell pregnant and had an abortion. Now my former partner has contacted me wanting to know more details. The sentences above say it all, really. It was an unplanned and very much unwanted pregnancy. My then-partner and I agreed that we did not want to have a child. I arranged the abortion with my doctor (thankfully safe and legal where we lived), my then-partner drove me to the clinic and brought me home again afterwards. We broke up a few months later.

Just to clarify: While I am not exactly happy to have had an abortion, I have never regretted it. Since then I have married and had two very much wanted children, and my experience of giving birth and being a mother has only made me even more pro-choice than I was before.

The former partner and I were in touch off and on for a while (we lived in quite a small town), but I hadn't heard from him for at least ten years. I now live in another country. Last week he sent me an email. He must have had a hell of a time tracking me down: we have no acquaintances in common any more and I have a very common name, making me hard to Google. He found me through my work website (which includes my photo) and sent an email to my work address, stating tersely that he needed information and would I tell him the date of the abortion. No further details other than commenting that I looked well (from the photo) and making a comment about my work's website.

I am shocked by how much this email has unsettled and angered me. My sister said to me, "Well he has a right to know; it was his baby too." Well, yeah - but he was there! I feel somehow as if society (extrapolating wildly from one person's opinion here) sees me as somehow forever responsible for supplying him with any and all information he needs about the event. Even though he was there at the time. (For the record, I have no idea when it was. I didn't exactly write it in my birthday book.)

My question is: Is his request normal and understandable? Is my response to it over-the-top? (While I acknowledge that feelings are feelings, I'm curious to know whether this whole situation is as outrageous as it seems to me or whether it's actually not that unusual to email someone at work out of the blue asking for the date they had an abortion.) Does the fact that he was the father of the unborn child somehow give him the right to do this? Do I owe him something? Why might he think that I did?

Obviously nobody here can help me see into his head, but I am determined not to engage with him on this because it seems to be such a blatant attempt to get my attention. Although - I can't see any reason why he would WANT to get my attention.

(My husband knows about the situation and is supportive of me but understandably dismissive of my ex, who behaved very badly at the time of the abortion.)

It's hard enough as it is.

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 17:58:19 -0800

I may be pregnant. If I am, my husband and I are positive we want an abortion. I need advice on how to deal with very angry protesters. As far as we know, all our local abortion clinics have very vocal protesters outside, with horrible signs.

We also don't think it's fair that we have to spend money and very sensitive time going out of town. We WANT to use a local clinic, because it's against our principles to run away from the fundies, but we are kind of scared of the yelling, mainly because I lose my temper easily, and we don't want to make this harder than it is. We simply can't have a baby now, and we are very careful, but these things happen.

We've thought about wearing headphones with loud music, but we don't know what would happen if they stand in front of us or block our way to the door. We have no idea of what they can legally do to and what the limitations of protesters are, legally. Can they attack our car? Can they call us names? Stand in our way? What can my husband do to help me get in?

We don’t want to stop for debate or anything of the sort. We want to get in as quickly as possible and get out as peacefully as possible.

We live in VA.

Anthologies about Abortion and Homosexuality?

The Confessor — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 16:45:26 -0800

Does anyone know of any good anthologies featuring true stories, told in first or third-person, about (a) abortion in the United States before Roe vs. Wade, or (b) homosexuality in the United States in the 1960s and before, when it was very heavily stigmatized? I have some social conservatives in my family, along with some newly minted moderates and liberals, and I'd like to give the former some things to ponder, and the latter some talking points and fuel for their progressive opinions. The It's So Personal series on Andrew Sullivan's blog approximates the impact I'd hope such an anthology would have, as does this blog post from a doctor dealing with the aftermath of an unsafe abortion... although I would prefer non-contemporary stories from before Roe vs. Wade.

Unplanned Pregnancy

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 08:57:30 -0800

I'm pregnant. Now what? I'm 32, 6 weeks pregnant and I have no idea if I want to keep it or have an abortion. I've only been with the potential father for just over two months. He doesn't want me to keep it, but knows it's ultimately my decision.

I've scheduled an abortion for Friday because I wanted to make sure I could still take RU486, versus going in for an actual procedure.

For a long time, I always thought if I accidently got pregnant, I'd keep it. No matter what. But now that it's actually happening, abortion is seeming like the more logical, reasonable thing to do.

Please share your experiences with your decision and the aftermath of that decision, good or bad. I could really use your personal trials and tribulations in this particular situation.

TIA.

Should I tell someone that her new boyfriend is a horrible person?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 18:18:35 -0800

Would it ever be OK to warn someone (whom you don't know) about about her new boyfriend, who is your ex friend with benefits? For reasons of jerk-ery, not safety. My ex FWB was a bad friend and a bad lover - played hot and cold, was often insulting, selfish in bed, and didn't make much of an effort to learn what was going on in my life. I put up with all of this because I found him incredibly intellectually stimulating. I ended contact with him after I became pregnant and he said incredibly hurtful things to me, offered no support, and refused to help me pay for an abortion.

I'm aware that he now has a girlfriend, whom I've never met. I do, though, see her around campus sometimes, and feel an overwhelming urge to warn her about what an ass her new partner is. This urge feels similar to a wish to warn someone who has a flat tire on her car. But - is such a warning ever OK?

Requesting advice from sensible people: how to navigate sensitive dramatic issue

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 18:25:31 -0800

I had an abortion years ago. Now, years later, I am being accused of "faking" the abortion, and am being harassed via social media sites. Help me figure out how to navigate this situation with dignity and class. Recently, I became engaged to my partner and announced the engagement on social media sites. I thought this was going to be a really joyful time in my life, but instead, this announcement basically started a storm of anger and drama from some members of our extended social circle, mostly surrounding rumors about an abortion I had about three years ago. Mostly, these rumors seem to focus around my fiance's most recent ex before me, who seems to think that I faked the pregnancy and faked the abortion in order to get attention from others. I have not responded in anyway to her social media updates about me, but this is obviously very hurtful to me, because I have never faked anything - I actually was pregnant and did have to have an abortion three years ago. In the time since this abortion, I have spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with emotional fallout surrounding the procedure, which I thought only my closest friends knew about. After doing so much work to cope and move on from the procedure, I never thought that that hard work would be derailed by something like announcing my engagement.

Since this has begun, I have fallen into something like a depression. I have been crying intermittently, am unable to keep food down, and am constantly nervously shaking. I've lost weight and it is impacting my productivity at work, as well as my ability to get good sleep. My fiance and my friends really don't know what to do for me, besides telling me to ignore my fiance's ex, that the opinions of this woman are irrelevant, and so on and so forth. I have blocked my fiance's ex on all social media websites I am involved in, and yet, this is still a problem for me. Due to these statements, several mutual friends of the ex and myself have approached me to ask if I really had an abortion or not. The only thing that I have been able to do in order to defend myself is to explain the procedure in detail and open myself up completely to questions from others. However, I don't think this is good for my mental and emotional well-being, and I typically end up sobbing when I have to do this. I don't feel like I should have to defend myself from these sort of attacks, and I am really at a loss for what the "right" thing to do here. My fiance's ex is an extended member of our social circle who will not be going away anytime soon. We see her rarely at parties and she is always polite to my face, but is obviously very critical of me to others behind my back. I want to handle this in the most grown up, undramatic, classy way possible. Besides blocking the offending party and taking a break from social media, which I am already doing, what can I do to navigate this situation? Should I confront my fiance's ex face-to-face, or continue to ignore her? And what should I do when mutual friends approach me about this situation? We are all in our mid-to-late twenties, if that helps. Thank you all so much in advance for your answers.

What to do about the "Pro-Life Homeless"

hermitosis — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:10:20 -0800

Local pro-life organization is raising funds in a way that I think is intentionally misleading. Can I do anything? Should I do anything? A sidewalk vendor appeared in my Brooklyn neighborhood a while back. They started as just a book table, but have expanded and it's several tables set up lengthwise with junk spilling out everywhere: furniture, housewares, books, and other second-hand items, all sold "to benefit the homeless."

Only after they'd been there for many months did I realize that there was a little sign on the very end of one table stating that they were actually a pro-life organization. (Their website used to have more information about the "pro-life" aspects of their mission, but it seems to have been changed. Right now there's just a single mention offering aid to "expectant mothers.") Sometimes there's no signage whatsoever. Today there were just big paper signs that said "SALE FOR THE HOMELESS."

I disapprove of this sort of fundraising, specifically because they aren't up-front about who they are and what they're doing with the money. (I have the same beef with the Salvation Army bell ringers.) It irritates me to know that a lot of their money probably comes from people who would never knowingly give to any kind of pro-life organization. At one time I just resigned to leave them alone and hope they moved on to somewhere else, but it's been over a year and they've flourished, and they show no sign of being more forthright with customers about who they are and what they're doing. It's hard to ignore, I have to walk back and forth past their tables several times a day.

Also, this is circumstantial, but around the time they started up, someone began wheatpasting anti-abortion propaganda fliers all over the neighborhood, written in both English and Polish. Stuff like "Diary of an Unborn Child" or vile descriptions of abortion procedures, often posted at children's eye-level. These have been replenished just about as rapidly as they've been defaced or removed by others in the neighborhood.

So, if I were going to complain about them, who would I complain to? My city councilperson? They must have a permit for the table or they'd have been shut down long ago, but they do seem to have let things get out of hand.

Or is this a situation where I should really just hold my tongue and chalk it up to cultural differences with people in my neighborhood? I'd like to hear some opinions.

Requesting advice from sensible people: how to navigate weird/awkward post-hook up situation

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:58:54 -0800

Seeking advice from sensible people: how to navigate weird/awkward post-hook up situation, with bonus unplanned pregnancy. I recently hooked up with a friend a couple of times. It was obvious it wasn't going to become a serious thing, and I was pretty happy (if a little awkward) hanging out as friends afterwards. I then found out I was pregnant and have since had an abortion (FWIW, we were using condoms; I've now switched to a more idiot-proof form of birth control). I didn't tell him about it, but I've been lucky to have had support from close friends and family. I feel comfortable about my choice, have been giving myself lots of time and rest, and I'm doing fine.

In the run-up to the abortion, I felt pretty antisocial and stressed. I was going to multiple doctor's appointments, feeling exhausted every day, and reading about (and eventually experiencing!) the side effects of misoprostol. I started to avoid the guy in question. When I did run into him I felt sad and awkward, and I once rather blatantly blanked him in the supermarket (boo!). It's now been about a month since we've spoken.

Since getting the abortion I've been feeling a lot better. Although I don't expect us to be best buds, I have enjoyed his company in the past, and we share a social circle. We'll both be at an event with some friends (none of whom, as far as I know, are aware of any of this) over the weekend, and I'd like it if we could be on friendly terms in the future. He started seeing someone else shortly after we hooked up, and I don't want him to think I want to be anything more than friends, because, err, I don't. I don't think it would be remiss to make some friendly/neutral overture to break the ice, though, and would like advice on how to do that. I've been telling not close friends/work people some version of the truth (e.g. "I've been having some health problems lately, but I'm doing fine") to explain not being quite myself lately, and would consider doing that with him.

Finally, I know it's stupid for me to be getting out of shape about this, and if it turns out the best way to feel okay in this situation is to cut my losses and make some new friends, I am happy to do that.

Protests targeting school children?

amarynth — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 12:54:03 -0800

Is it common for anti-choice protesters to target public schools? Apparently, some anti-choice protesters were displaying posters of aborted fetuses outside of a nearby middle school as students were arriving on the first day of school yesterday. I did some Googling and found that in 2003, there was a protest at a middle school in California, but other than that, couldn't find much.

Is this a common tactic? If so, is there an aim other than traumatizing middle-school kids?

Where was this abortion clinic in Toronto?

avocet — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 18:34:37 -0800

Dr. Leslie Smoling operated an illegal abortion clinic in Toronto from 1962 to June 10, 1968, when police closed the clinic and charged him. He then fled to Australia to evade prosecution, coming back after two decades (?) to face charges. Where in the city was this clinic? I've skimmed through microfilmed copies of the Daily Star and the Globe for that whole week and Proquested the hell out of it but am having no luck.

Pregnancy scare

carolinaherrera — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 20:47:02 -0800

What have been your experiences with the medical abortion pill (RU-486 or mifepristone and misopristol)? If you have to have an abortion, would you do it in the US or the UK? I took emergency contraception, but I *feel* pregnant and I am trying to plan ahead just in case.

I have family in both the US and UK, so I could go home to either place and get the abortion pill. Or, I could go the surgical route. I have health insurance in America.

What have your experiences been with the medical abortion pill?
With medical abortion vs. surgical abortion?
And would you do it in the US or the UK?

Memail privately for anonymity if you like.

Does funding planned parenthood also fund abortions?

jmd82 — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 15:30:15 -0800

Does the government funding Planned Parenthood pay for abortions at all? I've been reading about the government possibly shutting down due to the budget issue and the whole deal with funding Planned Parenthood being a major sticking point:
Planned Parenthood offers abortions, right? PP currently receives federal funding, right? So does that mean the federal funds indirectly pay for abortions? Or does the funding take place in such a way that federal funds do not support abortion?

I understand that government funds can not directly fund abortions and that PP is more than just an abortion clinic and offers many reproduction services. I am just trying to figure out if subsidizing PP at all in effect monetarily supporting abortions.

Let us refrain from the morality of abortions and whether or not the government should support PP in the process.

Where/How to get an Abortion in Toronto?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 19:49:28 -0800

Where can I get an abortion in Toronto? I took a pregnancy test and got the + instead of the - sign. I cannot emotionally, mentally, or financially take care of a child. My life plans do not involve children. I live one hour away from Toronto (accessible easily by bus). How do I get an abortion? How soon can I get it done? I am not telling anyone in my life about this, so any advice is greatly appreciated.

So far my plan is this: Call the Women's Care Clinic in Toronto tomorrow and set up an appointment. Snag: You have to be four weeks pregnant to get an abortion and I don't know how pregnant I am. How do I find out? Has anyone ever been to this clinic or another in Toronto and have any advice or reviews? I've only known about this for five minutes although I've been worrying about it for a week so I don't know if I am being very logical right now. I just want to cry.

Note: My understanding is that in Canada, abortion is covered by insurance and available on demand so I do not need a referral. Is this correct? This is not a situation I ever imagined myself in. I am freaking the fuck out.

I have never been pregnant before, I am young, I use birth control, and I am not in a relationship. Anything is appreciated. Throwaway email: abortiontoronto@gmail.com

Who's number 2?

garlic — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 07:33:52 -0800

According to Representative Mike Pence, Planned Parenthood is the largest recipient of federal funding under Title X. Who's the second largest? How far down the ordered list by dollar amount would you have to go to find a large scale family planning organization that doesn't also provide abortions, which Pence says is the goal of his amendment?

Abortion Malpractice

sarelicar — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 06:14:43 -0800

Can anybody recommend a lawyer in Broward County, FL who works with abortion malpractice but is not a pro-life activist? Please feel free to send a private message.

That was someone else, not me

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 10:31:04 -0800

I had an abortion a five years ago, and I want to completely let it go and forget it ever happened. I'm very liberal, have always been extremely pro-choice (interned with Planned Parenthood in college, told my partner that if there was ever an unplanned pregnancy, I would get an abortion), and I know there was no way I could have actually had it. I'm not brave, I don't like problems, I'm deeply sensitive to how other people think of me, what I think they think of me, and my mind knows it would have been madly foolish and not at all pleasant to have a kid. Also, when I accidentally got pregnant, I was on Accutane, and there was a huge chance that that could have turned out with severe birth defects. I was not financially stable, neither was my partner.

I tried to talk to a counselor about it, but whenever I do try to talk about it, all these assumptions are brought in (I don't even know if I really wanted it and I don't think I would have if it was up to me). My partner (who I love very much) and I tried to talk about it a few times after I had the abortion, but it was too painful for me (I'm not really certain why, I suppose because I was acting all jokey, like it was no big deal immediately after, and having feelings about it later makes me seem attention-seeking) and I felt stupid (my mind was telling me I was being weak and girly). He always says all the right things that he's supposed to say, but he acknowledges that it doesn't bother him. He doesn't think about it.

I think it bothers me because I'm in love with him, and was so then, and having an abortion didn't gel with my hopes and feelings. Because I'd always said (in a very definite, jokey way, believing I'd never end up accidentally pregnant) I'd get an abortion, he had automatically reassured me that we could get an abortion that week upon my telling him I was pregnant. When he said that (I forgot about the Accutane), I went along with it (I didn't really process it, but I remembered feeling passive aggressive about it ("Fine, you want me to have an abortion? Fine!") inside.

I don't really understand how I feel. I find myself wondering why he wouldn't have wanted to have a baby with me, even though the answer is obvious. Somehow, I got into some self esteem spiral where I find myself wondering if I let myself be treated like a garbage can, or if there's something about me that is being punished or isn't good enough or meant to be treated badly (which I'm not at all, but I find myself worried that I'm marked in some way such that (and I know this sounds crazy) I'm meant to be punished or that I was always meant to be punished).

I feel bad when I read articles that say that someone is going to ban abortion, I feel bad when I read that abortions causes or doesn't cause unhappiness among women, I feel bad when the cynical part of me wonders that, "If he was in love with you, he'd have really wanted to have children with you." I feel bad when I think I might want to have children and when I think I might not want to have children. I feel bad at having been so rigid and judgmental five years ago. I feel bad that I don't know how to process how I'm feeling. I feel really dumb at the energy I spend wishing that all my emotional fantasies of feeling peaceful and warm and secure and happy would just come true. I feel extremely stupid at how guilty I feel, because I intellectually accept it and I know I didn't want it. I feel guilty because I know I'm not ruined and it's a disservice to all women who have had an abortion to even think that maybe I'm ruined (and I don't even know what I mean when I say "ruined" and that's stupid too). I feel bad when my brain (which is intensifying its urge to make me want to have a baby now, in my 30s) keeps barking thoughts that make having a baby a solution (which it couldn't be). I feel sad and envious when I hear of men who really want to have children with their wives and partners, even though it's not what I want or think I want. I briefly considered leaving my partner so I could forget about it all, but I don't want to leave him. I love him and he loves me, and I don't feel any anger or resentment towards him at all.

As much as I've written, for some reason, I can't process or articulate what my problem is, and why something that happened five years ago is still burdening me. I feel like if I just understood it better or could some how add up and explain my feelings to myself, I would be able to feel better. I'm not interested in therapy over it because I think continually admitting how stupid I feel to an actual person is going to feel worse, and after years of trying therapists, I don't like or trust them. If there's a way to just pretend it never happened without feeling like I'm a loser for not handling having an abortion as well as other women do, I would be willing to learn that.

The rest of my life is fine. I'm happy when I'm not dwelling or fighting the urge to want to beg for a baby (I think it's the wanting a baby feelings that really bring on the dwelling, actually). I have lots of hobbies and school and am fairly busy in long cycles.

What's wrong with me? Is there a way to forget this?

Can abortion be this easy?

shelayna — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 11:52:15 -0800

I watched the very good film "Vera Drake" the other day, and have a question about Vera's method of abortion. It seems she injected a mixture of water, soap, and what I think is disinfectant into the woman's uterus with a bulb syringe. Is this really enough to make a woman lose her baby? Not that I plan on trying this at home, mind you- I'm just curious.

How to tell my dad about my abortion?

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 10:49:47 -0800

How to tell my dad about my abortion? It seems like the time has come and gone. Do I tell, and if so, how? My husband and I experienced an unwanted pregnancy this summer. We both knew immediately, for several reasons, that it would be best to terminate this pregnancy, so I did. I think I felt/feel normal sadness about it.

My question is: is it too late to tell my father? I told my mom within a few days, partly because I know she cares about the important things in my life, and partly to explain my despondence and distance over the few weeks prior. I didn't tell my dad because the easy time for a phone call with him came and went, and then I was home with the parents (and other family) for a big happy event and it never felt like the right time. Six months have now passed.

I'm pretty sure my mom didn't tell him. He's also fairly conservative--has grown more so over the years--and I can't read his thoughts/feelings on abortion anymore. We are very close and I tell him nearly everything. He probably understands my emotional world more than anyone besides my mom. He's never NOT supported my decisions, but this feels different somehow. Plus there's the whole "this was my first grandchild" thing, which is why I didn't tell my mom right away and had to work up to it. (I know it was not really fair to tell my mom and not be able for her talk to her husband (my dad) about it, but she more or less offered that option to me.)

Do I tell him, and if so, do you all have any advice for how?

(Anonymous because I don't want this linked to my name on the internets. Throwaway: askmefiabortion at gmail)