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She's falling off the wagon. What now?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:49:47 -0800

I fear my sister is falling off the wagon in her ongoing struggle with alcoholism. Is there anything I can do to stop this slide? Challenge: 500 miles away. My sister is in her late 20's and, since college, has struggled with alcoholism, including but not limited to frequent blackouts and run-ins with the law following binges. We (the family) thought she had hit rock bottom this summer, when, at the end of a binge, she got into a car accident and was not sure whether she had been sexually assaulted. She said she wanted help then, promised she would stop drinking, and started going to AA meetings.

When drinking, she seems to exhibit what I understand to be the fairly common (alcoholic) tendency that she can never "just have one". That one leads to many, which leads to blacking out.

Today, her boyfriend posted to his Facebook page pictures of my sister a few weeks ago. In one picture (clearly from the big game a week-and-a-half ago), she is holding a can of beer. In another, she looks quite flushed.

I spoke to our mother earlier, and learned that my sister is no longer attending AA meetings because the people there are "not like her" and "have different kinds of problems". My sister also has apparently offered that in social situations, she feels awkward saying no to her friends when they keep on offering her a drink, so she says she accepts the drink and just holds it. In previous years, she's lied so much about her drinking that I just don't find this explanation to be credible.

What can I do to support my sister? My particular challenge is that I'm over 500 miles away from her (we work in different cities).

Book suggestion for girlfriend of longtime alcoholic?

Household Tipster — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:46:25 -0800

Can you suggest a great book to help the girlfriend of an alcoholic who recently relapsed after 2.5 years sober? My boyfriend had been through the mill with alcoholism--years of denial, then his wife leaving him over the drinking, him drinking himself into homeless-style dysfunction with many ins and outs of rehab and detox and AA for three straight years, and then finally picking himself up, going to rehab and committing to AA. He was sober for 2.5 years, and recently relapsed. (He's been drinking on and off for the past three months, currently clean, but obviously i'm nervous enough to be posting.)

I'm really looking for a book that can tell me how I can help him, and also really address later-stage alcoholism. I've found "Marriage on the Rocks", "Codependent No More" and the Al-Non book, but both seem to lean toward helping women get out of denial and living in their husband's shadow, dealing with earlier stage alcoholics (he's very, very clear that's he's an alcoholic and that this could kill him--denial is not the problem on either of our parts), and relationships that are heavily codependent. Not to say that we're perfect, but given the circumstances, we treat each other pretty damn well (no violence, little resentment, i'm relatively good at detaching when he's drunk, etc etc).

So I'm looking for a book that's less self-help for me, and more information-oriented and just plain helpful. Suggestions?

Get a REAL job!

Sprocket — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:10:07 -0800

Information Technolgies Program or some sort of simliar AA towards an actual career/'real' job? I am looking into going back to school with an aim at some or of Information Technology outcome. My question is whether a 2 year certification program or 2 year AA will suite me better in literal job hunts.

For the most part, I am looking for more practical usage of school that will directly translate back into the workforce. That is why I am leaning more towards Professional/Tech program to get the knowledge and experience necessary to move forward with a career. If a different program such as and AA will suite me better I am surely not opposed. Although I know the AA also requires me to take the BS general studies classes as well, which I would much rather not do.

Mrs. Sprocket and I would like to move to Ireland in about 4 years (I can get dual citizenship and have 'family' there) so a program that took about two years would hopefully leave me about 1 year to work in the states to earn experience stateside.

Basically my goal is to go to school to get a decent job enough to move and work there, and also support us a little better.

As well, technology and computers have always been an interest, and from what I've heard I feel a program along these lines would be a good choice for me.

Further I am/will be meeting with an Advisor, one which is my friend that works at a different college, and one at the community college I am considering. I am just trying to get a better feel from people that have been there.

What is your experience with IT professional programs versus AA degrees in relation to translation to a career?

What's normal in the first few weeks of AA

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:40:03 -0800

Can someone who's been there, or is close to someone who's been there, relate to me how the first few weeks in recovery from alcohol abuse in an AA type typically play out? My partner is going through this, and I'm feeling pretty confused, abandoned, and (I'm ashamed to say) a little angry. My wife and I (late 30s) had fallen into a pattern of drinking way too much on most nights. I'd consider it pretty heavy drinking -- about a bottle of wine each, supplemented with a couple of beers, between dinner and when we went to bed around midnight. So we decided to cut it out about a week ago. I haven't found it difficult at all to eliminate the booze, but my wife felt the need to go to AA meetings because she's been having serious cravings, etc. I support that decision, but I'm confused about how all of this is supposed to work. She's been going to up to 3 meetings a day, hanging out at the recovery center even when there isn't a meeting, going out at night with fellow AA-ers, and so on. She's even taken our young kids to the center when she felt the need to go hang out there while I was at work. The latter makes me especially uncomfortable because lots of people at this recovery center are homeless and generally really down and out, and I'm not sure that's a setting that my 4 and 8 year olds need to be exposed to. But my wife says she *needs* to do this for recovery, so I don't feel like it's my place to question it. That said, I'm suddenly facing two very confused kids, have missed a bunch of work to accomodate meetings, and basically haven't seen my wife for days.

So my first question is whether this level of involvement with the 12-steppers is within the range of what might be considered typical. My second question has to do with alcohol withdrawal symptoms. As I said, we stopped drinking a little over a week ago, and my wife is still complaining of nausea, shakes, sweats, etc. Is that even possible? And if she's having such severe withdrawals, wouldn't it be wise to check into a residential detox center (she's steadfastly refused to do this)?

Thanks for any input, and just to head off the obvious suggestion I'll let you know that I already have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for myself next week. Wife is also in therapy and has been for a few months for issues unrelated (at least not directly related) to alcohol. E-mail me at plantbot@gmail.com if you'd rather not post publicly.

The Curse of 50 Perry

Anonymous — Tue, 27 May 2008 16:27:35 -0800

What happens in 50 Perry Street in the West Village of NYC? My morning commute walks me past a small door close to the corner of Perry and West 4th in the West Village of Manhattan. The door is adjacent to the restaurant Sant Ambroeus, and almost looks like kitchen access, but it has it's own number and is painted a different color.

Here is a google streetview of the mystery door, with a sketchy man hanging out underneath the jumbo air-conditioner.

What makes this door a mystery you say? Some mornings the Cognoscenti of new york, dressed to the nines in italian loafers, tailored suits with perma-tans and D&G sunglasses, are buzzing in and out of the door, back and forth to their luxury cars parked on the street - Air kisses are given, hugs exchanged. Other mornings it looks like a casting call, with good looking actor types lurking around outside, though I can see several pairs of legs sitting on chairs inside.

I was thinking AA meeting, maybe, but if so it is an ultra-trendy one, and the door/building otherwise has no marks.

Though I always walk on the north side of the street, the other morning I wandered somewhat close to the door and conversation stood still until i passed. I'm terrified to poke my head in, and using anonymous just in case I've stumbled on some sort of NY Fashion Industry morning pow-wow before they set that weeks style agenda.

Post-sobriety drinking success stories

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 22:28:25 -0800

Are there any stories of recovering/recovered alcoholics (with more than a few years sobriety) returning to drinking without serious consequences? I'm looking for post-sobriety 'success' stories. I've heard many, many stories of relapse and failure, spent years in AA rooms, worked the steps, etc. But I also know that the alcoholics that stick with the 12 Steps program are a bunch with an enormous selection bias, that the accounts of returning relapsers are accounts supplied by those who returned to find their addiction has been waiting for them, 'doing push-ups.' I'm also aware there's a small, but growing, AA-skeptics movement, mostly concerned with the AA insistence on a higher power, but at least partly worried about the unsubstantiated 'disease' model of alcoholism.

I haven't heard any serious challenges to these claims, and that's a little too one-sided for me. I know people who think the moon landing was faked, but even they'll agree: 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.' What I'm interested in are anecdotes, biographies, livejournals, groups, clinical studies, neurological evidence, and any other form of expertise that truthfully attest to three things:

1. Full-blown, addictive relationships to alcohol
2. Long-term sobriety with meaningful 'spiritual' growth or psychological maturation
3. A return to moderate drinking without 'slips' or binges

Recovery in Texas without AA or 12 Steps?

buzzbash — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:09:45 -0800

I have a pretty serious drinking problem which has caused me to "call in sick" too often at my job. I finally confessed to my supervisor that I have a drinking problem. I should have been fired long ago, but because I appealed to them for help, the company is willing to keep me on the payroll provided that I seek treatment for my addiction. Here's my dilemma: where I live, every alcohol/chemical dependency treatment program is based on Alcoholics Anonymous and its 12 Steps. I have an intrinsic aversion to anything even remotely associated with a Higher Power, God, Jesus, etc. I need to find a treatment facility ( either residential or out-patient) that'll help me get sober without all the spiritual mumbo-jumbo associated with AA and the 12 Steps. I live in Corpus Christi, Texas and it's important that any suitable treatment program be located somewhere nearby--preferably Austin since I have sober friends there. But I guess anywhere in Texas will do. Any suggestions?

Internet Addiction

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 06:32:06 -0800

I am a chronic procrastinator and I am addicted to the Internet. I am looking for an organization similar to Alcoholics Anonymous in or near Berkeley, California. Please, no remarks about how MetaFilter is more addictive than crack. I recognize the irony in asking this question here but unfortunately it is not a joke. I've been struggling with this problem for many years and I need help. Thank you.

I have a drinking problem. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 15:48:44 -0800

My girlfriend says that she's going to leave me at the end of the week if I don't attempt to seek help for my drinking problem. Now what? To put it in perspective, I don't know if she'll actually leave me, but she's obviously doing a good job at expressing the fact that she's at her wits end.

I guess I do have a drinking problem, yeah. However, I'm totally in the stage where I'd rather just ignore it and carry on with my life. Is that what's best for me? Probably not, and I know that.

I'm successful in my career, and alcohol isn't interfering with that. My finances are a little bit messed up, but they're getting better and booze isn't the direct cause.

I'm a 28 year old male. I started binge drinking when I was in college. Now that I've been out of college, I still continue to binge (with my friends) about once/week. Sometimes a little bit less. I go out to the bar, and I'm not having a good time until I've had about 4 beers. From there, I'm incapable of stopping. I drink and drink and drink until the sun comes up or we run out of booze. As the years go by, it's getting worse and worse.

My girlfriend is worried about me (understandably so) because of risks that I take when I'm drunk. I get rides from strangers, I end up in strange places with people that I don't know. A few months ago, no one could find me for a few hours because I'd passed out in a neighbor's yard on my walk home. The latest incident, this past Saturday night, I ended up ditching friends to hang out with a stranger. My phone was off so no one could find me, but my girlfriend got in touch with my friends who told her that I'd left the party more than an hour ago. Essentially, I was missing. This is not uncommon.

So, yeah, I have a problem. I know it. I don't really want to stop drinking. Scratch that. I can't bear the thought of having to quit drinking. I keep thinking that if I can just learn to ride the buzz after a few drinks then I'll be fine. So far, that hasn't been possible. As soon as I start drinking I have no off switch.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I just get it into my head that I'm going to binge, and then I do so. At work and family functions, I'm always totally ok to go out and just have a drink or two. It's when I'm with my friends, where binging is acceptable, that I lose control.

These aren't just drinking buddies. They are my dearest friends from way back, and not hanging out with them anymore isn't an option. And it's not just their fault. If there's a band playing in town on a Saturday night, and friends don't want to come with me, I'll go out and binge by myself and end up hanging out with strangers. They're not as bad as me, by the way. They tell me that I drink too much too.

I'm very busy with work during the week, and taking a few hours off to go to a therapist is extraordinarily inconvenient. I might be able to find someone in the evening, but I dunno. This whole thing is a serious blow to my ego. I pride myself of being able to "work hard and play hard." That sounds lame, I know, but I guess what I'm saying is that I hope that moderation is somehow an option.

Where do I start? What do I do? Has anyone had success with learning how to drink in moderation? I don't feel AT ALL ready to just walk into an AA meeting ... that sounds like hell.

Looking for the best value AA battery available (or "Let's Have Some Truth in Battery Advertising")

zaebiz — Sun, 13 May 2007 00:08:56 -0800

So Energizer or Duracell? Or some other brand? I'm confused. Apparently they are both 5 times more powerful than the other. I'm looking for the best value-for-money AA battery on the market (i.e. battery hours per dollar). I understand it depends to some extent on the device. Let's say two devices - the TV remote control - and a digital camerra. Anyone have a link to the definitive report? (Oh and I heard of an excellent report on Which.co.uk but cannot purchase it because my credit card doesn't have a UK address. Anyone want to buy it and have me reimburse them by PayPal, and get to use the whole site for nothing for a few days?)

26 year sobriety gift for dad?

camfys — Mon, 07 May 2007 02:20:51 -0800

My dad will be sober for 26 years in a couple weeks, and being that AA is such a huge part of his life, I wanted to get him something really special. I'm not familiar with AA so I was hoping to get some suggestions both from people in the program as well as general ideas about a gift. I don't think he knows I even know when his 'birthday' is, so I know it will be a huge surprise. I was hoping to get something personalized. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!!

Non-AA/MA recovery options for marijuana?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 21:27:25 -0800

Are there any non-AA/MA marijuana recovery options? I'm stuck in a rut living alone in a town where I don't know many people, smoking daily, and I can't break this 15 year habit. I want to kick pot because it makes me unsociable, isolated, gives me anxiety, and keeps me unproductive. I'm fine not smoking most of the day until late night when I'm bored and can't bring my impulse control in line to just not take a couple hits of the good stuff. The rest of the day I have no desire to get high, but I just can't seem to control the impulse myself and break this circle.

I do not want to attend AA because I'm a strong atheist and am not looking for "total sobriety", i.e. I drink occassionally and have never had a problem with alcohol. I'm skeptical of the whole 12-steps approach and the cultlike mindset it creates, and would really like to find a non-religious marijuana sobriety group (in the Austin, TX area) if one exists. I just really need some kind of social support or something, because I have very few friends here and I'm not getting this done by myself.

Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Twelve-step programs and non-theism

granted — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 14:52:49 -0800

Non-theist twelve-steppers - how do you reconcile the two philosophies? I've been thinking for years about attending some twelve-step meetings - Al-Anon and CoDA specifically - but as an agnostic, I'm skeptical (heh) about the Higher Power part. I know there are many atheists and agnostics who have been able to interpret this aspect of the process so that it jives with their non-belief, and I'm wondering if there are any of you here who could share how you've done it (in any 12-step program, not just the two I've named above.).

(I'm really not interested in hearing about how cultish and creepy you think these groups are. I respect the opinion, but that's not what I'm looking for here.)

like the drink? AA?

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Oct 2005 15:10:19 -0800

So...can I keep drinking and go to AA at the same time? So, I think and actually am pretty sure, that my drinking either could be a problem, or is a problem. But, the damn monkey and the way it makes me feel good want me to keep drinking. I drink some most nights, which i know is a red flag. But I don't feel like I've hit the rock bottom point and drink like I'm aware of that. I know where this could go, and I know the drink doesn't affect me like other folks (see, the meetings have taught me some things), but don't know if it's ok to keep going to the AA meetings. I know I'm and alcoholic in that that I freaking love the stuff like nobodies business. But at the same time, there are big ole strikes one the checklist I never hit.

Still, I know I drink more that most people do. Which worries me i guess. Which is why I've been going to the AA meetings. To hear other people's experiences with it.

And I have to say, it was very interesting to sit in a room of folks who understood how the drinking worked. What raised an issue with me, was that most of them had hit a bottom point, no job, no life, drinking 24/7, ect. which I'm not at.

Pre-emptive stike?

My boyfriend thinks he's an alcoholic - should he go to AA?

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Aug 2005 15:52:41 -0800

Alcoholics Anonymous question: my boyfriend has announced that he wants to start going to meetings - can anyone offer any advice as to how I can help him? I don't know if it is the alcohol that is the problem, or something else. Details: he's 36, drinks socially and sometimes on his own, not every night, sometimes gets drunk and sometimes just has one or two. He usually but not always has drink in the house. I've no reason to believe he is hiding any drinking from me. I'm ten years younger (female), have known him two years, we've been together for most of that time. I drink, but only rarely do I get drunk.

Last night he got drunk (I had a couple) and did what he often does, which is rant about various things until 2am. In these rants, it sometimes seems as though all the accumulated bitterness of many years emerges. Defining characteristics are: an unwillingness to take responsibility for his own problems, often trying to place the blame on me or his parents; also sometimes inappropriately blaming himself for things that aren't his fault; difficulty in hearing reason from me. I don't want to be too specific, in case I identify him. He's unhappy at work, and had to return back to work this morning after a short holiday, and I suspect that getting drunk and staying up late the night before gives him a reason for under-performing in his job.

Now I'm not sure whether these rants are drink-fuelled - I suspect they are, partly, but also that the issues he has are deep-rooted and just exacerbated by the drink. On the face of it, I wouldn't say he had an alcohol problem as such - and on re-reading the above, it all sounds quite tame. He functions well and has a full life, hobbies, job, me, friends etc. Yet he wants to go to AA.

I've told him that I support his decision, and I found some meeting times for him (he didn't want to google it at work). I also read up on the organisation, and it sounds like perhaps it might help him, even if the drink is just a red herring and the problem lies within. Group therapy, that kind of thing. The only thing is, he is a fairly militant atheist, though was religious when younger.

I really am floundering here, so will appeal to mefites for any opinions or personal experiences they may have - is it a good idea for my boyfriend to try AA? What's the best thing I can do to help him?

Friend with a Drinking and Driving Problem

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Dec 2004 08:42:06 -0800

[Social consciense filter]
I know, for a fact, that someone is drink driving EVERY DAY. Not just a few pints, but at LEAST 8pints and then driving home. Mostly it's a short, five minute drive, but sometimes it's longer distance. I have tried to talk to him and get him to stop - to walk to the pub. His brother has tried to talk to him. He just won't. He is also diabetic, so the drink has adverse effects on his sugar levels, which makes him more dangerous. He can't even walk properly when he gets home, so goodness knows how he can drive. The problem is, this person is a relative - and he's given me somewhere to live when I had nowhere.

I just don't know what to do. Would you inform someone? Or would you keep quiet? I don't particularly WANT to 'rat' on him, but what happens if he hits someone, and I know I could have stopped it? What would you do?

Families and Addiction

jonmc — Tue, 23 Dec 2003 11:02:07 -0800

This is a somewhat personal question. I've recently joined a 12-step fellowship to rid myself of an addiction. It's going well- almost 2 months free. I haven't told my family what's going on yet. Over the last 4 years, we haven't seen that much of eachother, so they don't have much idea of how bad my problem has gotten. They tend towards the judgemental and smothering. My sister is a social worker and she may have put 2 & 2 together. The obvious concerns aside, I'm also not that interested in invoking a lot of drama right now. To any MeFites with experience in these matters, what's a good way of breaking things like these to your family. Thanks.