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Should women expect men to cheat on them?

starpoint — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:01:32 -0800

I'm 27 and single. I've never had a serious boyfriend. Just throwing that out there. My brother is 24. Our 1st cousins are visiting for Christmas. One of them is male and 19, the other is female and 16. Tonight we somehow got into a huge discussion about relationships. Basically my brother and cousin (the 19-year-old) were making the following points: 1. Guys NEED to have sex with multiple women (my brother equated it with the desire to pee).

2. Just because a guy has sex with other women outside a relationship or marriage, it doesn't mean he loves his girlfriend (or wife) any less.

3. Men are living against their biological nature in Western Society. The natural order is for men to sleep with as many women as possible to spread his seed, not to stick with just one woman his whole life.

4. Continuing with Point #3, in many non-Western societies, men have multiple wives and those women don't have a problem with it; and are happy living in a harem where they are taken care of. Western women have been programmed to believe that a man will only stay with them.

5. The natural order of women is that women don't care if men sleep with other women. If they do care, then it's because the women have been programmed to think so.

6. Men are made better when they have multiple partners. E.g., they have to stay "oiled" or they become less desirable in general.

7. EVERY man will cheat on his wife or girlfriend at some point. Or if he doesn't, he will want to.

8. It's NOT OK for a woman to sleep with another man because biologically her husband or boyfriend sees her as his property and doesn't want to lose an opportunity to spread his seed (even if he has 30 other women).

9. The emotional connection women have toward men during a relationship (and men toward women) is just a temporary infatuation thing and is designed for men to stick around long enough to protect the woman while she's pregnant. Then the man is free to move on to someone else because a pregnant woman can't give him the sex he needs.

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Of these points I do agree with the biological aspects -- women are choosier because they can only produce so many offspring; and so men need to be ready at all times so that there are "seeds" around when a woman is ready to have a baby. Nothing new there.

Otherwise I'm not sure how much I agree with many of these points.

What bothered me is the sheer arrogance of the way in which my brother and cousin presented their arguments -- as though everything men want is rational and biological, and what women want is "temporary" or the result of "programming." It's fine for a man to sleep around but not for a woman to do the same? My cousin also said that I will never meet a man that will not cheat on me. Gee, thanks. I pointed out some friends of mine who are happily married, and they just brushed those away saying that those guys are either nerdy "Beta-men" or that they could be cheating, too.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world. Maybe this is a reality check. There is some element of truth in what they said, but it bothers me nonetheless. I am hoping to meet a guy who is the ying to my yang and we support each other and are faithful to one another. I would not want him to sleep with other women, and I wouldn't sleep with other men. Of course we may find other people attractive, but is it so much to ask for a lifetime commitment to one person? Should I expect him to cheat behind my back? Is that just "the way it is"? My brother, cousins and I couldn't reach a compromise except, "ask nothing, tell nothing."

My brother said he's talked to many men -- professors, pilots, business men, etc., who have all supposedly cheated on their wives. I'm not trying to portray my brother and cousin as bad people. They're not bad people, but they are both a bit arrogant. But at least they're honest (with me, anyway).

I couldn't think of any good counter-arguments during our discussion. I enjoy debate but I'm not good at it when it's sudden and I haven't had a chance to prepare. I understand that my brother is a guy and he has needs, but what about women's needs? Why are women's needs less important? I don't want to be wife #19. Is that so much to ask? Is it unrealistic? When I pursue relationships, should I expect the guy to cheat? Should I bring it up with him before we even start to go steady? What are ways a guy can handle his desire to be with multiple women in a long-term relationship?

clingy women rule?

TheOtherSide — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:37:54 -0800

Is it possible to persuade my new girlfriend to be more clingy? Yeah, I know, strange... So, I've been dating this new girl, and she's completely wonderful. I really can't find anything wrong with her, except for one thing: she's stoic and non affectionate.

Over the last couple years I've dated a number of women in their late 20s through mid 30s. Some of these relationships have lasted a few dates, and some have lasted several months. In the end they have always ended because of some lack of compatibility.

This new women I'm dating is completely awesome, in every way. There's nothing that I find incompatible with. We have the same interests, the same values, similar goals. We have a great love life and have a lot of fun together. Her personality balances out mine very well.

But, she's completely independent and doesn't seem to have any need for me. She'll go for days without contacting me. Sometimes I don't think she's interested in me at all. When I ask her about it, she always says that I am everything that she needs, and she's not interested in anyone else. Then I feel awkward for even bringing it up.

I guess this woman is completely different from every other woman I've dated. Typically when there's chemistry, the woman in my life will show me what she wants often and intensely. She will try to be in contact with me, and she'll want to know about my life, and she'll give me a lot of attention. This new girlfriend, she doesn't do any of that. I usually dislike overly-clingy women, but now I'm missing it. I just want this woman to show some affection toward me and to give me more attention. I want her to talk about me to her friends. I want her to seem like she cares.

Is she lying to me? If she's not, is it possible to get her to show me more? Should I write off this relationship entirely? Help

Smart women

pulled_levers — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:00:17 -0800

I'm interested in being inspired by smart women. What are your recommendations for blogs or autobiographies of strong-willed, independent and successful women? For most of my life (with the exception of my mother) I have looked up to the accomplishments of men. The vast majority of blogs that I have followed in the past have also been male-dominated.

As a result, a part of me has been long convinced of the idea that men are smarter than women. And my reasoning behind this is due to my belief that because women are so strongly influenced by their emotions and the need to find a long term mate that they devote the majority of their energy to attracting that mate (for ex: picking up the fashion magazine instead of the newspaper)

I know that this isn't correct for all women--I have encountered many strong and smart women but this bias still remains. As a young woman myself, I'd like to look for successful & note-worthy women to not only help change my perspective, but to also act as my role models.

I'm open to any suggestions, but I would prefer blogs or books by women who are either in their 20s or 30s (and are still alive) that address current events, politics, business, or art.

Thanks!

But what's it there for? Do you actually sleep on it?

lunalaguna — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:37:30 -0800

Little known facts about men My boyfriend was shocked (shocked!) recently when I told him that many women's bathrooms have couches or chairs in them. I was surprised no one had ever told him this before, or that he'd never been in a women's bathroom. (I've had jobs where I've cleaned men's bathrooms, so that world is no secret to me.)

It got me wondering whether there are certain facts about men or common experiences they have that I'm totally unaware of as a woman. Guys, are there things you encounter pretty regularly that a women would know nothing about? Girls, have you ever learned something about men that's both common and surprising?

How do I break the "ice" with others (especially girls) and get closer with them?

rintako — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:54:44 -0800

How do I break the "ice" with others (especially girls) and get closer with them? Hi. I am a freshman in college. While I wasn't the most popular in high school, I was well known by many and had many girl friends, but no girlfriend, just flirted and played with some girls.

Anyway, what's been bothering me is that there are some people I talk to almost everyday in college but it's always the how are you, how's studying, how was your exam, what are you up to this weekend? I also haven't been able to meet as many girls as I would like to.

I was wondering if anyone could explain why this is. Is there a way to break the "ice" with these people and also with girls. It seems that I have trouble having a deep conversation with anyone other than how are you and some small talk about what's happening around on campus.

Thanks.

So much for negative reinforcement...

frankly mister — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 03:13:29 -0800

Why do creepy/obnoxious guys (talked about at great length in a couple fantastic recent threads) keep hitting on girls if they never have any success? This is inspired by this recent, amazing thread, and its MetaTalk spinoff.

(First: though I've spent a few hours reading both those threads, I haven't nearly read everything, so forgive me if this is answered in there at some point.)

I don't understand: what drives the creepy/obnoxious guys to continually hit on girls in the creepy/obnoxious manner? If they and their technique are so universally loathed by girls, as seems to be to the case, then it should follow that these guys NEVER have success. Sure, sometimes a girl is a little friendly in return, just to be nice. But presumably it never goes anywhere, so these guys never have any success with the routine. Why, then, do they keep doing it?

Is it ok to call out skinny girls for calling themselves fat?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:00:59 -0800

Should I recognize that all women have body image issues, or do I have a point in feeling annoyed that someone a lot smaller than me is describing herself as "curvy"? I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she mentioned something about having to come to terms with the fact that she was "curvy". By curvy, she meant (her words) that she occupied an awkward space where she wasn't fat and she wasn't skinny - a weird middle ground of not belonging. While is indeed very shapely, she's actually quite petite, has a very small waist, and I suspect that at least 90% of people asked would describe her as thin.

I, on the other hand, am 5'8 and 185lbs (when I tell people this, they usually make a face and say 'That can't be right'), and well-proportioned but nevertheless substantial figure. I was a fat kid in elementary school, and have my whole life probably been at least 10lbs overweight. While I'm quite comfortable with my body, I do struggle with body image, and all the negative feelings that come with being a big girl.

My immediate (reflexive) reaction to her statement was, "You're not curvy," to which she took offense. She does work in an industry where body image comes into play in a way that it never has for me, and I realize that I shouldn't discount someone's insecurities because of my own anxiety. Women, whether size 0 or 24, all experience discomfort with their bodies at times.

At the same time, I can't help but feel that she really doesn't occupy the space between fat and thin, whereas I have for my whole life. I feel by identifying as such, she a) has some unrealistic ideas about her body, and b) is attaching herself to an identity she hasn't really experienced.

So tell me, am I just being insecure and competitive unnecessarily, or do I have a point? I'm not saying that she doesn't have reason to have her own insecurities, and I'm not trying to be part of an exclusive club, but I feel a bit like she doesn't really know what she's talking about. Even if I'm out of line, I'd love to hear from women who react the same way as I did.

If love is a battlefield, have I become a conscious objector?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:34:34 -0800

Heterosexual male in his early 30s after a long-term relationship finds himself not really interested in the opposite sex. Is this normal? Some Background: It's been about a year since amicably ending a 10+ year relationship[1]. I decided to do the 'smart thing' and not rush into dating or random one night standards, which I managed to keep to, other than 6 months ago I had a small fling with a female friend[2] (who I have known for a few years) that lives in another country. Barring that, in the past year, I've found myself not really 'interested' in women, dating or nsa-wise.

I'm still sexually attracted to women, I've not suddenly become sexually attracted to men. I do miss having sex, but every women I've met since the relationship ended just doesn't seem to 'pique my interest', so to speak. I've meet some beautiful, smart and funny women in the past year, but all of them just don't interest me in anyway more than friends or acquaintances.

My friends have tried to 'hook me up' with ladies from time to time, usually ending in semi-disaster usually caused by me not being interested and sometimes complete oblivious. While it all makes for funny stories at the pub, they are[3], as am I, starting to wonder what is going on.

I am happy going through life right now as things are, my work is great, challenging and feels really fulfilling. I don't pine for someone/anyone to be with me. But I do wonder, is this a normal reaction for most people out of a long term relationship to go through?
Questions can be asked at throwaway email account (thatyarrthere[a-t]googlemail.com) if required.

1. We have no intention of getting back together. Nor am I in a desperate search to find her exact replacement.
2. While we enjoy each others company, neither of us are interested in a long distance relationship.
3. They aren't pressuring me to get back in the 'game'. They are just being good friends and are 'concerned'.

Know any good blogs by high school or college age females?

Joe Beese — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 09:14:46 -0800

Know any good blogs by high school or college age females? It's character research for NaNoWriMo. Videos are fine too.

Solo Traveling for older women in/around Korea?

Jujee — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:19:05 -0800

My mom is nearing 60 and is thinking about going back to her home country to travel alone. I'm all for it but it also worries the heck out of me! I wonder if there are any "older" korean women travel groups that she might be able to hook up with...and what the pros/cons are. Are there any places out there that she should particularly stay away from? I could just be overprotective here... but would love to hear any input about solo/group traveling in / around korea and whether there are any travel groups for older women. :) TIA!!!

Help me locate some pictures and their artist.

AAAAAThatsFiveAs — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 08:32:03 -0800

[ArtFilter]: Help me locate some pictures and their artist. A friend is looking to find some pictures she saw a while back on the interwebs. Based on our conversation:

- The art was very detailed, possibly photorealistic?

- Many pictures depict beach scenes. One in particular was a woman in an old-fashioned bathing suit holding an umbrella. A small child was running around her.

- The artist did a series on women. One was a silhouette of a woman against a window. Another was the form of a woman in darkness; she was wearing a skirt (maybe a slip?) that was slit very high up her leg.

- The artist may or may not be well-known, but is likely still alive.

We've tried looking up photorealistic artists on Google, but nothing has been productive so far...

Thanks, Hive!

Can't I have my cake...?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 22:17:15 -0800

Would it even be possible to pursue a friendship, or a good idea, for that matter? So my dog had to go to a specialist, so I took her to the hospital at the university where I am a student (grad). The resident that took care of my dog was amazing, and he really intrigues me as a person. He is 37, and I am 35. Here's my dilemma. I am in a relationship, and very happy with my partner. But I can't deny that I am attracted to this guy. I would very much like to be friends, but I don't know 1) if he is interested in that and 2) if guys at that age are interesting in even having female friends (who knows if it would be something else down the road a piece...).

I am completely clueless as to when guys are hitting on me, and there were a couple of instances that make me think that he was, but they are also fairly ambiguous. The first was when I was leaving after the consultation. I shook his hand, and he said that where he is from, it is rude to shake hands goodbye, and better to hug and give a kiss on each cheek. Culturally true, but I wasn't sure if he did that with all of his clients. So...maybe, maybe not.

The second was when I was visiting my dog. He was taking her back to her kennel, and he apologized for not being able to hug or shake my hand. In general, he is really touchy and flirty with me, which may just be his personality.

The other thing (and again, I realize that I may be totally overthinking, so please be kind), was that when he called me to update me on my dog, he called from his personal cell phone. Usually these calls are made on a hospital phone, and the number is scrambled.

So is there a way I can suggest friendship? Is it a bad idea? Guys, are you ok with your SO having male friends? Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie? Should I friend him on Facebook or something? Or am I just overthinking the whole thing? Again, I realize that this may be totally one sided. Any thoughts? Throwaway if needed is anonanswer@gmail.com. Thanks!

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

She works hard for the money...

firei — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 10:05:20 -0800

A friend of mine wants to open a business, and is looking for information on business loans or grants specifically for women. I've been on the SBA and SCORE websites, but haven't been able to find too much info. Everyone always says that there's a lot of financial assistance for women looking to open businesses, but I'm having trouble finding it!

If it helps: I believe she is looking to open a dog grooming/training facility.

Specifics would be awesome, but general links would be alright as well.

I need help locating an article about how single men are more successful than married men.

myodometer — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:08:41 -0800

Looking for an article regarding the fact that single men are responsible for more social breakthroughs than are married men/fathers. Several months (possibly a couple years) ago, I remember reading an article regarding a study that determined that single men are responsible for more breakthroughs in the science world (for example) than are married men. The article outlined the how and why of these results. I believe it possibly also mentioned the health-boosting effects of long-term relationships over the health-diminishing nature of the bachelor lifestyle.

However, my Google-fu skills have failed me in locating this article again. Anyone out there know what I'm talking about?

Do you want to destroy strong women?

adamfaux — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 11:19:02 -0800

Is the inclination to "destroy strong women" common among men? I have a friend who has done a lot of therapy and who has realised that he has a desire to "destroy strong women," which he claims is quite normal among men. I have never heard any friends of mine say this before (I would count myself among "strong women" and I would count his female friends in this category, too). This is an intelligent, emotionally honest person in an artistic field.

I wonder if such a person would actually (subconsciously?) act on such a desire, or if knowing it would prevent him from doing this. Obviously this is not something a person who doesn't know the individual can answer, so my question to the community is: Is this a common feeling among men? Or would you take this comment to be somewhat startling, as I did?

How are menstruating comatose women cared for?

amicamentis — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 11:04:47 -0800

What happens when comatose women menstruate? For pre-menopausal women, how does the hospital staff deal with menstruation? Do they use maxi pads or tampons? It seems that laying down in bed would create a mess on the sheets even with maxi pads. Do they wash the women often?

Are there any cases where comatose women were put on some sort of hormonal drugs so that menstruation was arrested? Is the period lessened at all by the coma?

Please help me figure out which incredibly clever British sitcom this is!

staveitoff123 — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:32:24 -0800

Please help me figure out which incredibly clever British sitcom this is! This is what I know: British sitcom produced within the last few years about 3 or 4 women who are friends and are single. It's been called the anti-Sex and the City because it's fairly dark and sardonic - the women aren't sentimental or precious about sex, love, etc. I saw two scenes from the show on Youtube - in the first, one of the women is breaking up with her boyfriend/husband and is unemotional, while he is freaking out. In the second, one of the women accidentally hits on the father of one of her elementary school students in a grocery store. There was a piece about it recently on a blog but I can't remember which. Please help!! It's incredibly funny!

Whats a good solution to keep the door open to two first-date-level women, if the three of us run into each other, at this weekends festival?

talljamal — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:15:15 -0800

Whats a good solution to keep the door open to two first-date-level women, if the three of us run into each other, at this weekends festival? So I may have been too eager to set up first dates this week, not realizing that the two prospective ladies might be interested in the same festival that is running this weekend...here's the situation:

I have a first/blind date set up through a friend, tomorrow, Thursday evening, which is great and I'm looking forward to.

I then set up a daytime date for Saturday with another women I met this past weekend and have initiated friendly/playful banter with, where we will possibly go to a music festival among other things.

The solution I'd like to have prepared is how I can be honest and open so that if Thurs-date is at the festival Saturday with her friends, since our mutual friend is organizing it, and I'm hanging out there with my Satur-date ,and we see each other, that Thurs-date will still want to see me in the future (assuming the Thursday night intro goes well :)

Since I'm trying to get back in the saddle with dating, I am trying to push myself to meet new women. I don't think its just bad planning on my part... I figure this situation must happen to other MeFi's now and then...

What is your experience and how can I maintain a good status with these two ladies who I've got "introductory" interest in?

Thanks in advance!

I need to find an English translation of The Trojan Women in the public domain.

firemonkey — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 09:03:46 -0800

Does anyone know of a good English translation of The Trojan Women by Euripides in the public domain? I want to write an opera based on The Trojan Women. I'm looking for a good English translation that is in the public domain. So far, all the translations I've found are under copyright. Any good ones out there that I can use without fearing legal recourse?

Long hair for the 40+ woman

TochterAusElysium — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:28:54 -0800

What are some possible hairstyle options for a woman over 40 who wants to keep her hair long? I’ve been letting my hair grow out for the past few years, and for the most part I prefer it long; I’ve been told it looks better and makes me look younger than when it was short. It’s also easier to deal with on weekends when I can pull it back in a ponytail. But I’d like to find some new ways to wear it; I’m looking for ideas not just for haircuts, but also ways to work with what I have; hairbands, other accessories, ways to do a quick bun or up-do, that sort of thing—but appropriate for my age, whatever that might entail.

I don’t have bangs, just somewhat thin, straight hair that comes about down to my armpits. It’s in pretty good health, as I don’t color it (there’s some grey, visible from the front, that I actually kind of like).

I like quick, easy, low-maintenance solutions for my hair; I don’t like slathering it with product, though some mousse or hairspray is ok. Just pulling it back in a ponytail every day looks, to my eye, too severe; I’d like something a little more feminine. But leaving it just hanging ends up getting messy, making me feel like I constantly have to brush it.

Searching for “hairstyles for women over 40” ends up showing me all the celebrities in that age group with their pampered, styled dos, but what I want to see is a selection of average women my age, and how they wear their hair, that I might try. Or I’d love to hear from 40+ MeFite women who have a long-hair style they love.

It's a bad photo, but if you think seeing my current (lack of) hairstyle would help answer the question, you can see it here.

Girl Power!

boulder20something — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 09:10:27 -0800

What can a group of women do to add some fulfillment to their lives? My group of friends, all in our early 30s or late 20s, some with families, all in relationships, are looking for a project or business we could do together. Something that could give us more purpose and an escape from the boredom that seems to creep into life when you settle into a routine. We all have various skills and live in the Boulder, CO area. Skills include: computer programming/database/web development; accounting; sales; marketing; design; event planning; real estate...

A few of us work from home, which can get boring without the companionship of coworkers, and others have kids which is great but can lead to the feeling of "is my life only about building blocks and alphabet games?" We got together last night and realized that we all have lately been feeling under utilized and "stuck" in our chosen places. We want to come up with some type of business opportunity that we could all contribute to, do some fund raising, or volunteer together.

Any ideas? How could a group of women with no experience of working on our own (we are all employed by others) get something started like this? How can we help? Who can we help?

I want a physical thing, no more, no less

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:32:52 -0800

How do I identify and meet women interested in a one night stand? For the past few years, I've found myself in a number of relationships where my partners don't want to have sex. They'll do everything to remain technical virgins (oral, mutual masturbation, etc.), but penetrative intercourse is out. For some reason, I seem to keep meeting these sorts of women when I go out looking for a girlfriend.

At this point, I'm single and ready to have some fun. I've been thinking of going to bars and other places where I might meet women who are interested in a purely sexual relationship.

My questions are:

1. How can I tell if a woman is interested in having a one night stand?

2. Where can I meet women who are interested in only a sexual relationship? For example, does craigslist Casual Encounters actually work?

3. If I suspect a woman may be interested in a one night stand, then how can I proposition her for this?

If you need to follow up, throwaway e-mail is mansextonight at gmail.com.

Firsthand information about endometrial ablation

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:19:23 -0800

Please tell me what you know about endometrial ablation as a means of lessening or hopefully stopping my bleeding. (This is a female-parts question.) I'm looking for firsthand information on this procedure, if possible. I have only seen it mentioned a few times in a couple of threads from several years ago. I have Googled and gotten a pretty good idea of the mechanics of the procedure and how it's performed; what I'm looking for is personal experiences, info on whether I'd even be considered a candidate for it, that sort of thing.

I'm a single woman in my mid-thirties, live in the southern United States, casually sexually active, with no children and no desire for them, ever. I have had two abortions in the past. I only reveal this to really drive the point home that I do not want kids and will not be changing my mind.

Ever since I got my first period, my menstrual cycles were unpredictable, prolonged, heavy, and incredibly painful. When I was about 21, my doctor told me about Depo-Provera and I started using it (this was several years before the bone-loss issues were widely known). I was on Depo off and on for about ten years or so (got pregnant and had my second abortion during one of the "off" years). I absolutely loved the complete lack of bleeding while I was on Depo.

Unfortunately, last year I had a bone scan and was diagnosed with severe osteopenia (just shy of having actual osteoporosis), so my GYN insisted that I get off the Depo immediately and she put me on Sprintec birth control pills, to be taken continuously. I was aware that I probably wouldn't be completely bleed-free anymore, but I only expected occasional "spotting." After six months on the Sprintec (presumably the Depo had finally worn off) I started bleeding and didn't stop for a month and a half. Then I took a week off the pills (the "placebo" week, the way BC pills are normally taken, and on the recommendation of the GYN), stopped bleeding briefly, and then started bleeding again. Not monsoon-strength bleeding, but just enough to inconvenience me and constantly make me highly uncomfortable. I was pretty freaked out and expressed my concerns to the GYN, wondering if something might be wrong with me.

Without having me come in to see her, the GYN then switched my prescription to the lower-dose Lessina birth control pills, which I've been on for four months now. For the first three months there was just a little spotting, but now once again I'm bleeding constantly, with all the attendant discomforts (cramping, irritability, etc.) of a real period. I tried taking a week off, again, and the bleeding briefly stopped, but as soon as I got back on the pills I again started bleeding just enough to need tampons. To be clear, the bleeding is not what I think most people would consider "heavy," i.e., needing to change my tampon every hour, but it is constant (not stopping). I am taking the pills as directed, faithfully at at the same time every morning.

The last time I spoke to my GYN about all this, she told me dismissively that "every woman has to deal with some bleeding" and pretty much told me I should get over myself. I won't be going back to her. I'm not a moron and I don't want a doctor who only tells me what I want to hear, but I expect my doctors to be a little kinder when I'm freaking out about my body acting up.

When I find a new GYN, I will of course tell them everything and agree to any tests they might want to run. But I'd like to bring up the subject of endometrial ablation, which I didn't know about until recently and which I've been Googling and reading about, but I don't know anyone in real life who has undergone the procedure. Can any of you provide firsthand information? Will any doctor just refuse me outright if I ask about it? I am still relatively young and have no kids, and I keep reading stories about how doctors won't agree to sterilization procedures on younger people with no kids unless there's a serious enough medical condition to warrant it, and are always assuming a woman will inevitably change her mind later about wanting babies (about which, see above; I really won't).

I also have never been diagnosed with endometriosis, fibroids, cysts, or anything serious like that. My last few PAP tests have been completely normal, though I have not yet had one since going off the Depo last year. There is a history of breast cancer in my immediate family so I'm probably at a higher risk there. Would my current condition be considered "not bad enough" to justify a procedure like this?

Other things I've considered: The Mirena IUD, which was mentioned by my last GYN as an option (but not at the top of her list, since she said I need the estrogen in BC pills to help build my bones back up), but I really don't want to use an IUD. I have read up a lot on those, including many comments here on AskMe, and I know they're now considered very safe and effective, but for personal reasons that's not an option for me. I've also, in desperation, thought about begging to go back on the Depo and take some sort of calcium-building supplement at the same time, but I'm almost certain no doctor would agree to that, knowing what terrible shape my bones are already in.

I will follow up via the mods if necessary, but just to be clear, what I'm really looking for here is firsthand information about endometrial ablation, like, "I/my sister/my friend had the procedure and it was [a big help/a disaster/whatever]," or "I work at a GYN office and you [would/wouldn't] be considered a candidate because [whatever]. You would have to [ask nicely/get off the pills/bleed harder/have a baby/wait a year/whatever] before they would perform this on you."

I know that there is no guarantee it would completely stop my bleeding.

P.S., Any idea how much it would cost, assuming no insurance?

Help me drag my uncle out of the literary dark ages!

badmoonrising — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:04:13 -0800

My uncle recently mentioned to me that he's never read any book written by a woman. Apparently this is because he doesn't think they'll be any good - he seems to think women can only write romance novels. I find this both horrific and hard to believe, but he seemed serious. So, Hive Mind, I need your help in drafting a list of the very best books written by female authors. Help me teach him the error of his ways! I've checked out a few previous questions, but I am somewhat hampered in my list-making by the fact that many of the obvious classics (and most of the books that sprang to my mind) are books that I think he will not enjoy, e.g. the works of the Brontë sisters or Jane Austen, or even Toni Morrison.

Specifically, he likes crime novels and thrillers, and fast-paced storylines without too many descriptive passages. (Or, as he put it, books "where it doesn't take the author three pages to describe a table.") So suggestions vaguely along those lines would be especially appreciated. I immediately suggested Agatha Christie and Patricia Cornwall to him, but crime is not generally my preferred genre so I'm having trouble coming up with much else.

The books do not have to be thrillers, but I suspect he will abandon anything too romance/family-orientated. So no Pride and Prejudice or The Thorn Birds, please. We're coming up with a list for a rather conservative, old-fashioned, golf- and rugby-loving Englishman in his late sixties. (So no Tipping the Velvet either!)

So, AskMeFites, please fire away!

(Also, I'm well aware of how sexist and misogynistic my uncle may seem, and I'm not interested in hearing any commentary on that, thank you. I myself want to batter him over the head with something heavy until he sees the error of his ways, but he IS family and I love the guy. So if I can rein in my violent urges, then I hope AskMeFi can too.)