Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Trust

Dating (and friendship): Screening for reliability

xm — Tue, 07 May 2013 16:12:12 -0800

How do you screen for reliability and filter out self-centered/selfish nature in dating in real life and online dating? And, how do you find out whether a person (for dating or friendship) is a 'giver' or a 'taker'? By reliability and being a giver, I don't mean something as trivial as calling when they say they will. I mean more like being there for you when you are going through one or more major challenging life events, putting the relationship and "us" before individual interests especially when the going gets rough for you and not for them individually. Does this kind of reliability even exist among partners and can one really, truly, deeply trust another human being or do you feel you always have to watch your back even with a partner of months or years or decades?

How can I gain perspective in my possibly red flaggy relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 18:21:17 -0800

Either one of two things has happened. (1) I've met someone I'm very compatible with who has "matching baggage" and with some patience it will work out to be a happy, healthy, sustainable relationship. OR (2) I've met someone whose issues spell trouble for me, and I may need to cut my losses but I'm not sure where to start. I'm way too close to it, and on balance so far it's definitly something I want to keep working on because I care about him a lot and like how we fit together - but I need a reality check. Green flags include: Sense of emotional safety and security, feeling of familiarity due to a high level of compatibility, great conversations, similar sense of humor, intellectual and emotional chemistry, goodwill, healthy conflict styles, similar personalities about money/cleanliness, similar emotional buttons. He tries to see things from my point of view while challenging me if I get too far in my head about things or become unreasonable. Great emotional intimacy better than I've ever experienced in a relationship. We have a defenseless sort of dynamic that is sweet, and novel to me, and so dear. Although he is underemployed he has been helping around the house, providing emotional support for me on hard days, running errands and generally trying to not be a mooch. We have fun and when things get hard he is absolutely wonderful about it.

It all feels very easy and natural, and most of the time my only complaint is that I've let some practical areas fall by the wayside and become a little less social with others in my crowd because I want to spend so much time with him. (He isn't influencing me to do that and doesn't try to isolate me or anything like that.)

Red flags include: Both out of somewhat serious relationships fairly recently before we met. He has a history of porn issues (which he has been open about with me); we're codependent as all hell (which I'm starting to suspect is the only type of relationship that feels normal to me - but in his case we're both givers so it's kind of balanced); relationship is very new and has moved quickly/intensely. He is currently underemployed (but more or less consistently seeking). About the porn - I might have caught him using it recently, which he denied - and that's the bigger issue, that he denied it (if it was what I thought it was, and it might not have been). I need some way of trusting him on it more than this. His explanation sounded reasonable, but I know that addiction can be hard for people to face and I'm worried that he thinks lying is the answer. He has admitted to a history of cheating. Neither of us have the most shiny pasts, and for me that isn't a big deal because I know *I* changed, and folks are innocent until proven otherwise in my book. But I've been told I'm naive, too. Aside from possibly catching him using porn and then denying it, he's done nothing for me to question him.

On balance, aside from the employment status and the porn I am swept off my feet - and I'm pretty far gone anyway, to be continuing a relationship that involves those things. We fit, and I love him in spite of these things but I am concerned that they will become a problem. I don't know how to maintain my positive perspective about him while bracing myself for that possibility. I'm not good at feeling love for someone while also mistrusting them or judging their actions in a suspicious light.

Additionally, I've had poor boundaries with this man regarding privacy and I need to err on the side of caution about that. I feel ill (read: disloyal and hurtful) for thinking I need to change passwords, create fraud alerts, etc. but if he loves me he should understand. I need help figuring out what else I may need to do in this respect - do I tell the bank to be sure they only authorize withdrawals by myself, for example? (Before you jump down my throat about this decision-making, he did prove so far to not adjust any financials in any manner except what I've explicitly asked for, and he did have opportunities to act otherwise.) So how can I compensate for my irresponsibility in this area? Is there a way to prevent withdrawals by anyone other than me without changing the accounts?

So what I need from awesome mefites:
(1) Helpful questions or perspectives I can use to determine whether I'm missing anything about this situation
(2) Practical things to do to protect myself regarding how quickly I let him in too much to certain areas (i.e. preventing withdrawals from the bank by anyone besides me without changing too much stuff)
(3) What course of action seems appropriate to you? Keep in mind, I have a history of codependency and I see a therapist and I work on myself, and I strive to create healthy relationships but there is only so much I can do about what I find attractive and right now, this man is a "benefit" not a "cost" and I just want to act prudently while I give it all enough time to see more clearly.

Right now, my plan is to talk to him about backtracking a little bit as far as our intensity (which he has previously said he is fine with if I need it). I'm worried about how to do this without damaging the relationship, though. I also plan to talk to him about my concerns regarding the employment and porn issues. And that I can't in good conscience enable anything less than what he is capable of in those areas.

I care for him a lot - he is trying not to take advantage of my home as far as I can tell - I want to give this relationship the chance it deserves because no one is perfect and we are awesome together. But I admit part of me is worried I've just been duped by romance, so I want to be practical in things. And I know I don't have enough perspective on my own, hence the anon question. Thanks everyone.

Therapeutic Faith.

mild deer — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 12:43:17 -0800

Do you have faith in your therapist's sense of certainty? I have been seeing my therapist for six months. It has taken me a long time to find a therapist that I felt comfortable with. I consider him intelligent and wise. My gut feeling is that he is a rare, great therapist.

Long-standing issues I've brought into therapy include: my relationship with parents, life growing up, sibling relationships, exes, physical health issues, friendships, depression, emotion regulation, and living in a new city. Most of my problems, however, revolve around how I grew up (and the scripts I inherited), and my relationships with men. This therapist works with slightly more men than women, has been practicing for over 20 years, supervises new therapists, and leads various types of DBT groups. Much of my trust for him is based on his experience working with men and DBT groups.

A month ago, I lost two important people in my life. (On top of losing five important relationships last year.) The first person was a married friend, Adam, who said he loved me. Adam also confided that he had a terminal illness and had enrolled in a clinical trial. He said he wasn't planning on sharing any of this information with his wife, family, and close friends. Finally, he said that one way I could help him improve his chances of survival, according to his team of doctors, is to have sex with him. I said I could not. After 3 months of talking about Adam in therapy sessions and providing "data" (e.g., emails, records of conversations, etc), my therapist stated almost matter of factly, "I think Adam is lying."

My impression is that therapists do not usually make such strong statements or evaluations about other people in the patient's life. Or do they? It has been almost three months since my therapist has said this and I am still having trouble "believing" that my friend Adam is lying.

The other person I lost was a friend, John, I had started dating a few weeks before I began seeing my therapist. John couldn't meet my needs for emotional connection. At the beginning, he said he didn't want to love anyone, and he didn't want me to love him. Towards the end of the relationship, I had many nights where I couldn't sleep and was dealing with the fallout with Adam. I asked John for support, but it was minimal. However, John revealed that he would love me unless he did something about it soon. I began to find myself loving John, too -- and didn't tell him until after he broke up with me. (Much more to the story, of course, but I will only provide basics for the main theme of this thread.)

During the relationship, I felt like John was using me for sex. My therapist said, "I don't think that's what's going on at all. I think John cares deeply for you, but he doesn't have the skills to be with someone who has strong emotions."

My therapist said that I handled the break-up very well. My therapist also said that, given the circumstances in John's life, there will likely be a reconnection because I didn't burn a bridge. Also, my therapist expressed strong certainty that John's ex will leave this country. I tried to remind my therapist that John's ex might leave, and he said kindly, but firmly, "No, she will leave. And John's landscape will change when she does."

For the most part, though, my therapist does not make strong statements about much. He is good at listening and not judging. (I've had therapists in the past who judged my behavior right off the bat, or diagnosed other people in my life without asking more questions. This therapist is definitely a question-asker and data-collector.) I am trying to keep in mind that this therapist has worked with enough types of people to "see" what is really going on -- and sees things that I am unable to see right now, being stuck where I am.

Thus far, my therapist has only stated three or four things strongly in a prophet-like way, which he seems to want me to know as fact. With most other things, he points out how there is uncertainty because of the many variables involved.

My many questions:
-How do you take your therapist's own certainty about things in your life? Or better yet -- how do you take your therapist's certainty about what will happen in the future?

-Do therapists have this certainty because they see certain things play over again and again and again in their patients who share key qualities?

-Do you revel in the certainty as part of the therapeutic process?

-Do you wait for more data coming in from your own life?

-Do other therapists have some supremely solid insights that we, as patients, really can't see at the moment?

-Have your therapist's insight proven to be true over time?

-Do you have experiences where your therapist was dead wrong about their predictions?

What to do when you're the asshole in the relationship?

frizzle — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 19:23:52 -0800

So, I was a bad ex-girlfriend and a shitty friend. What now? I was in an on-and-off relationship with my (now-ex)boyfriend Adam for about a year. While our relationship was never very serious, we were very good friends throughout, and spent most of our free time together. In the last month or so, I saw some relationship red flags that I couldn't really look past. (Adam would get very jealous of me talking to other men, would make comments about what "men should" do and "women should" do, and had a bad temper that was starting to flare up more and more.) I broke up with him, which he says he saw coming, and we agreed to stay friends. His traditionalism wasn't going to work for me in a long-term relationship, but we have cared for each other through a lot of difficult experiences, and this is a friendship that I value.

Here comes the part where I'm an asshole. A few nights after Adam and I broke up, I slept with an acquaintance of mine, Brian. It was fun and rebound-y and completely selfish.

Adam and I kept talking on a daily basis. I didn't tell him anything about Brian, which I justified to myself because Adam and I were broken up. He flirted with me, and I flirted back because that's really the only way we've ever known how to communicate with one another. (I recognize that this was a mistake.)

Today, (about a week after sleeping with Brian) Adam came to me with a grandiose speech about fate and commitment and wanting to get back together. I told him about Brian. Even though we were broken up, it felt like something he deserved to know if he was still holding out hope that we would get back together. He responded with a hearty "fuck you."

While I don't think that was polite or respectful, I feel like it may have been deserved. I would never say "fuck you" to someone I cared about, but I understand that he is hurt, and that it's my fault. While I technically wasn't "breaking the rules," I also wasn't respecting our relationship or our friendship. I have a lot of guilt and anxiety, and I feel like I fucked up in a big way. Is there any way to feel better about this and make amends other than saying, "You made a mistake, learn from it and move on"?

Dating when you already have feelings you never intend to act on?

zeek321 — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 05:47:45 -0800

I have feelings for another woman that I have no intention of ever acting on, and my current relationship seems doomed because of it. Help. ("Alice" is 24, "Beth" is 29, and I (dude) am 32. I dated Alice casually while she was an undergrad and I was a grad student. We did not start a serious relationship until we'd known each other for a year and she was graduated and working.)

I have a friend, Beth, who I've known for almost my entire life, and we were fleetingly romantically involved, physically and emotionally a year ago. I love Beth, in that I desire for her to be safe and happy, and I feel warmth and comfort when I think about her. Beth is halfway across the country, and I like it that way. If we interact too much, I want to be around her and I feel strong romantic feelings towards her. But, I absolutely do not want to spend the rest of my life with Beth, because I don't think I would be happy, based on our personalities. I am very sure of this, but not 100% sure. In any case, the thought of it makes my skin crawl. Therefore, I limit my contact with Beth in order to be able to have romantic attachment to other people. Specifically, in the present, in order to protect my feelings for Alice (more below), I voluntarily, deliberately, and carefully limit my contact with Beth to maybe an email or two every couple of months and I do not share details of my life with her. We do not talk about anything of substance or anything intimate. By unspoken agreement, Beth does the same. I hatched this plan on my own, and was doing it before dating Alice.

I am dating Alice, now. We have known each other for about two years, and we have been dating for one year. We dated casually for a few months the first year we knew each other, in that we explicitly agreed that we were physically monogamous but not emotionally monogamous, and we put an end date on the relationship. After perhaps a four month hiatus with Alice, during which I slept with Beth, Alice and I decided to enter into an emotionally monogamous, committed relationship. We agreed that we were exploring the possibility of forever. One year later, Alice and I have talked casually about marriage on and off, i.e. a choice and agreement to be together forever, but we agreed that we certainly have not made that choice yet.

Alice is aware of Beth, my feelings for Beth, and that Beth and I slept with each other when Alice and I were not dating. And she was aware of these things when entering into this current relationship with me.

A week ago, I sent a text to Beth, while with Alice (which I have never done before), about coincidental magazine covers showing a character from a TV show that Beth and I bonded over. Alice asked me why I was smiling, and I explained, and Alice has been on high alert ever since.

Alice has demanded that I cease all contact with Beth. Alice has at least verbally stated that she trusts me as competent in accurately predicting and describing my internal state and in regulating my behavior. She apparently believes me in that, for example, if I marry her and have kids, and I say I won't suddenly realize I was meant to be with Beth and run off, then I won't. But she still wants me to cease all contact with Beth. Alice feels that whatever I get from my relationship with Beth, I should get from other friends. Alice can empathize with my feeling romantic feelings for Beth because she still has romantic feelings for her previous boyfriend. However, Alice feels the difference between our situations is that she is working on not having feelings for her previous boyfriend.

I am not working on not having feelings for Beth. I am regulating my feelings for Beth, which I have explained to Alice. Alice has at least verbally said that she trusts me to competently guard my feelings for her (Alice) and to regulate my feelings for Beth. But she still wants me to cease all contact with Beth. Regardless of my competence in regulating my attention and emotional attachment, and her belief that I have no intention of ever spending my life with Beth, Alice feels that it's more risk than she's willing to deal with, and she is currently unwilling to live with that risk into the future. She feels that I am disrespecting her and is amazed that I could be hurting her like this.

I explored last night, alone, the thought of cutting all contact with Beth. It made me want to die inside (not literally), and it made me feel white hot (nonviolent) hate for Alice, simultaneous with my feelings for her. I feel like if Alice and I broke up, I would be devastated, but hopefully, acutely, only for a few weeks. (When we finished our first casual thing, we were both a mess for a few days.) But, I want to continue monogamously exploring what I have with Alice, though I'm not ready to commit.

So. I'm not willing to cut contact with Beth, which I explained to Alice. I've known Beth for my entire life. I've known Alice for two years. Up top I said Alice and I agreed to enter an "emotionally monogamous, committed relationship." I think for me that meant I expected my feelings around Beth to fade, and presumably Alice did too. But that is not happening. Alice feels unacceptably disrespected, powerless, and defeated. She is extremely upset.

For my part, I feel like it is perfectly reasonable for Alice not to want me to look inside and find strong feelings for someone besides her. Period. But I wish she would look at the last year and see whether I've ever been emotionally unavailable because of Beth, if I've ever made a choice that favored Beth over Alice. (Excepting the precipitating text incident.) And the answer is no; I've barely thought about Beth. And, in fact, I deliberately do not follow trains of thought about Beth. I gently acknowledge the initial thought and appreciate it and then turn my thoughts to something else. And, yes, that takes some effort, but I'm going to be making that effort for as long as Beth keeps coming up, and I'd guess I'd like some sympathy for that. (And I'm wondering whether this'll be an issue for every relationship, ever, if Alice and I don't work out. I will not attack myself over this, nor will I not disclose this--I think it's a big deal, as Alice clearly does.)

For Beth's part, well, there is no Beth: Of course she has no idea any of this is going on, because she's not an intimate part of my life! We recommend books and TV to each other, months apart, with emails the length of tweets. It makes me happy, indeed because of who I'm specifically emailing with. We have a long history of TV show and book watching and mutual understanding that is irreplaceable. And presumably we're never going to engage in that again, except in the superficial way we're doing now, because that's precisely what would make me pine for her, which is why I'm not doing it. And Alice is turning Beth into this OTHER who does not actually exist except in Alice's head, and Alice is trying to make me believe in OTHER-Beth, and it's poisoning the pretty uncomplicated joy I derive from what's left of my relationship with Beth, and it makes me furious.

Earlier the day of the text, Alice said something about my career and values that made me feel deeply betrayed. I have been willing to explore that further with her. It's likely that that betrayal incident was somehow related to me sending that text to Beth in Alice's presence. Ouch. So, that's everything.

Where am I being inconsistent? How can I make Alice understand my position better? What is Alice trying to tell me that I am not hearing? I'm really upset. Please be gentle.

Partner of 6 years kissed someone else - what next?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:12:24 -0800

That's basically what I know right now. He kissed someone he's in a group with after the two of them went out to lunch. We've been together for 6 years, have been living in different states for the past year and a half; the distance was supposed to end this summer when we moved in together in a new city, but now I don't know what to think. He told me himself this morning; the kiss happened yesterday. We're talking about it tonight. This was an explicit violation of the terms of our relationship, which is not at all open. Possibly relevant: we're in our mid-late 20s, see one another in person about once a month, talk daily. Though I didn't know it at the time, he was "kind of" seeing someone when we got together (as was I) and that relationship ended when ours began, so maybe this is just how he ends relationships. Aside from that, nothing like this has happened to my knowledge.

So:
How can I figure out how I actually feel about this (beside hurt and sad)? I've been open in the past to an open relationship (trying to be pragmatic about long-distance and human nature) but he wasn't interested in that. Now I'm feeling betrayed and also wondering if it's just my fault for moving away. It takes me a really long time to emerge from shock to true emotion, so I'm not sure how to make decisions about my relationship when I haven't started processing yet.

Also:
How do I approach this call tonight? My morbid curiosity means I want to ask a bunch of questions about the relationship, how long attraction has been present, etc., but I don't know if that's going to help or hurt. Thoughts? Knowing my partner, he's going to be looking to me to lead the conversation with my feelings, but I don't know if I'll know what they are at that point.

Also also:
If we stay together, are there ways to rebuild trust after this out-of-the-blue breach of it?

My boyfriend carry other woman's panties, am I overreacting?

daile — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 13:52:47 -0800

On 3 different occasions, during a year and a half, I found in my boyfriend's stuff other women's panties. I was so in shock. I is like surreal to me. I am wondering if this is a sufficient reason to leave someone? I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we've been living together for 6 years. We're in our early 30s. We have no child, no mortgage, only an apartment.

At the beginning of 2011, I saw a pair of panties (100% not mine) in my boyfriend's closet. I did not snoop, it was in the middle of the place. I asked, he said that it was old. I said ok...

Somewhere in fall 2011, I was speaking with my boyfriend in our apartment. He had his laptop bag with the front pocket open when I noticed that a pair of panties was hanging from the pocket. The panties were 100% not mine and not his size so he's not a cross-dresser. Just regular panties, not fancy, used, not new. I asked what it was, he said he found them in the backyard (we like in a multiple-apartment building) and he said I thought they were yours. So I asked if so, why didn't you give them to me? He said I was about to, I put them in my bag.
He looked nervous, had big eyes, not clinging his eyes anymore during the conversation. I said ok and I left the room. I was sure he would get rid of the panties as soon as he could since I confirmed to him they were not mine.

In December 2012, I decided to wash the sheets and blankets while he was at work. When I took the sheets to put them in the washing machine, I didn’t notice anything. When I was unloading the washing machine, I was in shock; the same panties were in our washing machine, more than 1 year after. They sure were in the pillowcase since I didn’t see them when loading the washing machine.
When he came back from work, I told him while showing the panties “ I told you those are not mine, why are those panties in our washing machine”? He said that the weekend before, he did clean his laptop bag, found the panties and decided to put them in his pillowcase since he was at his family cottage with his dad. He brought his pillow there. I said why didn’t you put them in garbage and how come you kept them for over a year? He said he has never cleaned his bag since and that he didn’t want to put the panties in the garbage so that his dad would find them. By the way, in his pillowcase, there were those panties + 2 that were mine. Also, he uses his laptop bag almost everyday. I said ok and tried to forget this again.

Really, I try to believe him but my gut feeling tells me something is wrong there. No sorry, my gut feeling is screaming to me to leave.

By the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy. He goes out with friends on Thursday nights and doesn't want me to go with him. I don't have access to his computer, cell phone, etc.

Since December, I can't help but think about this. Would you leave your boyfriend “just” for a pair of panties? I am about to leave him, just wondering if I am overreacting, if the panties is a reasonable cause? What do you think? The worst thing is that I did not snoop to find them.

I have to figure it out soon because we have to renew (or not) the lease before the end of the month. Time is running.

By the way, I tried to leave him in summer 2011 for other reasons but he started crying and begging me to give it a second chance, which I did.

looking for recommendations for attorneys to create trusts in NH

canine epigram — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 10:58:57 -0800

Pretty much what it says - I'm looking for recommendations for a southern NH attorney to help create a trust for a relative.

An 18-year-old girl who I'm interested in dating's parents want my info

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 08:29:53 -0800

An 18-year-old girl I met online who I'm interested in dating's parents (who, I should note, are still financially supporting her) want all sorts of my info before they'll let her meet me and I believe they want it regardless if she meets me here or if I meet her there. Her parents want, among other things: My address and addresses and phone numbers of various family members of mine; scans of pieces of my ID; to check if I have a criminal record. Is it wrong of me to want to withhold this info from them? Maybe I'm being irrational here, but I don't feel it necessary for her parents to invade my privacy like this in order for her to meet me. I'm a private person and definitely don't want her parents to, among other things, talk to my family members to make sure I'm not a serial killer or rapist. Couldn't they just, you know, trust their daughter's judgement? The girl is positive I'm not a serial killer or rapist.

For the time being I'm choosing to withhold my info; this has the girl and her parents pissed. She's telling me that my privacy is more important than meeting her and her parents are all suspicious of me now. I of course expect her parents to eventually gain info about me—I don't plan on witholding my info from them forever and expect them to gain info about me in the manner that people typically gain info about others—but them demanding all sorts of info like this from me when I don't even know jack shit about them just doesn't seem right to me.

The girl and I have been talking to each other online for many months now and things have, for the most part, been fine and dandy. Though I'm not really the type to consider myself to be dating someone before actually meeting them in the flesh, regular cam sessions with her have really allowed me to get to know, like, and trust her; you could say we're already dating. I should add that the girl is the one who showed interest in dating me and meeting me. Before she admitted to liking me, I never had any plans to meet her in the flesh and expected our friendship to be confined to the online realm. I should also add that there's quite a big distance between us—about six hours—and we live in different countries: The girl is an American from the north-eastern USA; I'm a Canadian from south-eastern Canada. Also, in case anyone is interested: I'm more than half a decade older than her and am male.

I asked a friend about this situation of mine and this is what they had to say:

I probably wouldn't give it to them. It's a needless invasion of privacy. Not having a criminal record doesn't somehow magically guarantee you won't rape the shit out of her.

But the biggest issue I have is that she's an adult and her parents don't really have the right to dictate who she can and can't meet. Maybe they're paying for something, I dunno. I just think, you know, if you're gonna be in a relationship, pandering to her controlling parents maybe isn't a great idea...

Then again, if you think it will really pacify them, sharing it can't hurt.

I want to meet her but also don't want to have to give my info out in order to meet her. I believe she can't visit me without her parent's approval because they'd be providing her with at least some—not all (she has money saved up in the bank)—money to visit me.

What should I do? Guide me, MeFites. This girl is great; I don't want to lose her.

How can we trust open source software?

The Winsome Parker Lewis — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 07:18:06 -0800

Open source software is considered trustworthy because anyone can validate the source code and hold the developer accountable. Usually developers will also make compiled binaries available for convenience. How can we know that these binaries are compiled from the same source code the developer published, and not a malicious variant of it? A truly paranoid person will compile from source every time. But most people don't have the knowledge or time to do that so they trust the project's official compiled packages. Is there any way to validate that an application wasn't compiled from a secret parallel branch?

I was thinking of a checksum: Compile an app yourself, then download the official binary, and the checksums of both should match. I don't know much about compiling code personally, I assume there are nuances to the process that could result in variation even if the official binary is legitimate. Can anyone more informed shed some light on this?

What to think of a person promoting their book in a dishonest way?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 18:09:25 -0800

I caught someone I knew promoting their book in a dishonest way. How to react? There is someone in my life who once did something sneaky and underhanded to me. I never forgot this, but I had learned a number of things about this person that made me think he might actually be a good person who had made a mistake. I had been wondering whether I should forgive him. Every good thing I learned about him made me feel a little less distrustful.

Well, this person has written a book, and I just caught him promoting his book in a sneaky way! He's going on message boards and pretending to be a reader who found this book helpful. I am 100% positive it's him; he has one username he uses for everything, it's very unusual, and he's using it to post these fake reader messages. Stupid of him.

There are just two of these, so I can hope that it was a momentary weakness. More probable is that he's done this hundreds of times but was only dumb enough to use his normal login twice.

Well, I am horrified. I guess sneakiness will out. Before this happened I had a long list of reasons why it would really be better if we made up. Now, I am very doubtful. How would you guys feel if someone you knew had done this?

(The messages are years old and he's not active on that board now, so I don't think I need to inform the message board operator that he's scamming them.)

Is it still your business even though I left?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 08:47:56 -0800

I split up with my wife a couple of months ago, and have been doing really well since then. Recently I've been feeling a little bit like she's been stalking me on social media, and today I've woken up to messages asking me why I'm in contact with someone from my past. How do I handle this? (I've tried to anonymise this as best I can)

About 18 months ago, I realised that I was in, or at least close to, an emotional affair with a dear friend. I cut off contact with them (explaining why) and told my wife, saying that I thought we needed to get counselling to move forward. My wife refused counselling and told me that she forgave me the EA.

Over the next 12 months, things got worse and worse between us. The arguments that we'd been having before my EA continued and intensified. The distance between us, which is part of what I now realise had lead me to seek comfort elsewhere, grew and grew. I kept trying to get us into counselling, but my wife continued to refuse, saying that counselling was just a nice way for me to break up with her.

After an incident in November where she punched me in the face, I left. I packed up most of my things and moved into an apartment.

My leaving seemed to trigger a huge change in my wife. She started getting counselling, as I'd been asking her to do, for her anger issues. She also agreed to go to couples counselling (we're on a waiting list). I am still living away from her, and have felt so much happier since I left that I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I don't want to go back. I haven't yet told my wife thisI'm waiting for the counselling sessions because I don't feel safe doing it face to face on my own. My wife still holds hope that we'll get back together, but I'm more and more sure that that would only happen if I put all my feelings in a box and tried to ignore them.

I realised a few weeks back that my wife has created accounts on all the social media platforms I use and has started following me on them: Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr and so on. None of these were things that she was interested in before we separated. I felt a little freaked out at first, feeling rather like I was being stalkedindeed, she sent me an email saying "Please don't think I'm stalking you"but I realised it was more that she wanted to connect with me in a way that she couldn't any more.

A couple of weeks ago I started following the Tumblr of an artist whose work I liked. There was no identifying information on it, no avatar, just their artwork (it was a relatively new account). This week I saw that the avatar had changedit was my friend with whom I'd had the EA and with whom I hadn't spoken since. This left me in a quandary: I'd 'liked' her work on Tumblr, and I was following her, but I'd promised my wife that I wouldn't talk to her any more. I decided to sleep on the matter before deciding what to do.

I woke to a text message from my wife asking whether I'd been lying to her about not being in touch with my friend; saying that she was confused.

Where do I go from here, MeFi? Do I cut off all contact again? That seems morally right but would make me unhappy - on the other hand, not cutting off contact would cause my wife pain and would make this separation a lot more painful than it was (it's true that all breakups suck, but I'd functioned really well through all the horrors of it until this point, which leaves me feeling just as wobbly and unsure as I did on the day I left).

Advice on dealing with feelings of loneliness and paranoia

Recca — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 19:58:46 -0800

I'm having a hard time dealing with feelings of profound loneliness and paranoia about the states of friendships which in turn affect my dreams and my moods (being a vivid dreamer) and I don't like the affect it has on my happiness. Is there any good literature or advice that you can give to help me conquer these feelings and appreciate what I have in my friends or branch out to finding others? Any communication advice to being clear with friends and alleviating my paranoia without insulting them or sounding weird? I'm a 30 year old single male. I've grown up caught between introversion and extroversion. Many times I can't stand people, but at the same time crave attention and company. I'm caught in a sort of enigma. I typically rely on a very select few friends to help me feel happy in life. Unfortunately that often leads to being "needy" or "overly dependent" and then back to loneliness and then paranoia as to what have I done wrong or have friends moved on. I am on medication for Anxiety (Citalopram) but nothing else. I grew up with anger issues and had counselling when I was younger, but have since avoided seeing a psychiatrist for many reasons. I don't consider that an option. I have very odd trust issues, I know and work them. Basically I've always lived by "trust no one" because of always being burned but I inevitably end up deeply trusting those few people. This compounds into realizing I rely on so few people and feeling then lonely because I only have those few friends. Of course, this leads to paranoia as to where I stand with them at any given time... and the cycle goes on. I fight myself on it daily to avoid going from a fun friend to an annoying pest, but the loneliness and the affect on my mental state takes it toll. Advice, tips, literature or similar experience with results in changing it would be much appreciated!

Relationship; and the one with her Male Friend

Nicholas Geary — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 01:54:46 -0800

At the beginning of the relationship, she had asked to be exclusive. Told me she wants me to be her boyfriend. Thing's were going great. She mentions that she has a male friend visiting from out of town. Wasn't a big deal for me. Then it comes to light that he would be staying at her place for the weekend. She mentions that she'd see me on Monday, if they go out on Sunday she would let me know. It turned into a huge argument. She said she would have him stay at a hotel. Asked what I wanted to do, how it was planned far in advance, and said she didn't want to break up over it. She basically had plans to spend the whole weekend with him there, made no solid plans to introduce us. Mentions one of us being the third wheel. After he's staying in the hotel, I propose we all meet for dinner on Friday, her response was that he may be tired from flying and want to stay in the hotel. I asked her then wtf are you doing? This is very early in the relationship. She ended up texting me all emotional throughout that Friday night, wanted to stay at my place on that Saturday night...What is your take on this? Dealbreaker? A couple of friends say she's *sleeping with* him, drop her.

Me or relationship.

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 22:08:14 -0800

How do I decide whether this relationship is worth staying and working on or leaving and working on myself? A couple of days ago my SO and myself sat down and had a long chat starting with him stating that I/we seemed unhappy and that we needed to talk.

I took from what he said is that a: he is attracted to confidence b: I am not confident enough c: our sex life has declined due to a decline in his sex drive but also that he cannot ‘perform’ unless he feels emotionally connected (which he obviously is not right now) d: he is attracted to confident women and actively looks and flirts with them “that is all that has happened yet”

A bit of background. We are both in our 30’s, have been dating approximately 4 years, living together for the past few months. We love each other and that has grown from the initial flurry to where we are now. There are some things I don’t like about him but the majority of things I do and I find him attractive and interesting. Our relationship has always been a bit like an antique car, nice to look at and drives well but often breaks down and needs more frequent check ups than your average car. We both have our issues, mine being a lack of trust (not just with him, with men in general), I can be quite negative and critical (grew up in a family where criticisms not compliments were dolled out within a passive aggressive climate), I also find it very difficult to verbally express my feelings. Apart from the broad descriptions like ‘security’, ‘love’ etc..I can’t quite elaborate what my needs are in a relationship.

Before we moved in together we were in a relationship whereby we could only see each other possibly once a fortnight due to distance because of studying. I found it hard to maintain a meaningful connection through emails, texts and phonecalls while understanding that both of us were busy studying. However I always felt that I made more of an effort with the relationship during that time and that I was low on his list of priorities. This however has all resolved since we have finished our studies and are living together.

We are now in a situation where he has his dream job and I have none due to relocation. I am now the ‘trailing spouse’. I have found it difficult to find something within my chosen profession and while I was gung ho at the beginning in my search I have gotten myself into a rut now where I can waste hours on the internet. Instead of him coming home from work with a happy greeting he is thinking “There she is being lazy again on the internet”, I’m thinking “Great, here he is with his unhappy face again”. This, I recognize, can be fixed by me. I need to get out there again with gusto and if not find work, find myself something meaningful to do for my own self esteem and self worth.

On top of this we both have a problem with alcohol. His being binge like. He is able to ‘hold’ his drink i.e. doesn’t get abusive, doesn’t stagger around, becomes friendlier and funnier. However it is binge drinking as quite a lot is consumed into the early hours of the morning. It is not every weekend but I am not really ok with him out downing shots til 4 am. Now that we have moved and his mates (also in relationships) are not around to do this with he has started to find guys here who are single to do this with - I am certainly not ok with this as the last time they ended up down around the red light area, of which he had no memory of being there, his mate pointed this out while in conversation with us.

My problem is not the binge type but rather picking a fight over something. This is never with friends or family, just my SO. We can easily have 2 or 3 drinks together but if we have a big night out there’s a good chance that we will argue and this is most likely me instigating it. For me I think these arguments stem from unexpressed feelings and unresolved issues that cannot be suppressed any longer with alcohol.

So, we discussed most of this and have decided to a: limit alcohol drastically, be nicer and more respectful to each other. I will take control of my life here and find something that I want to do. He will try to stop looking and flirting with other women and we will check back with each other in 3 months (if not sooner).

Is it good enough to stay in? Is it bad enough to leave? Most of my issues will remain whether in this relationship or the next. While I appreciate honesty I am now left feeling hurt that, yes, he is out looking and flirting with other women and that, no, he is not finding me attractive right now. I can’t quite decide whether to cut my losses, go home, work on myself and slip easily into a job or stay here and work on myself within the relationship and on the relationship. I can have to odd ‘flirty’ banter with a guy in front of friends and SO but I don’t seek it out. How do I deal with the ‘yet’? By staying here am I setting myself up for inevitable hurt down the road from ‘yet’ becoming a SO who needs that validation and possibly more from other women?

Throwaway email account: stayorgomefi@gmail.com

Kindle self-help book recommendations

f3l1x — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 13:49:25 -0800

Looking for recommendations of effective books/workbooks/web resources on emotional intelligence, abandonment issues, anger, fear, jealousy, trust issues and self-compassion. Bonus points for including all of the above and being available on Kindle. I know you're supposed to catch onto a lot of this before you are 30, but I didn't, for one reason and another (see below). Result: general low-self-worth with frequent angry outbursts and patches of very controlling/mean/weird behaviour related to romantic jealousy. Oh and major co-dependent streaks.

I don't know whether my current relationship will weather the storm that's currently raging within (mostly within), but I do know that I need to do some serious work on me, NOW, and I would really love recommendations of effective books that will help me understand how to navigate my emotions like a grown-up and be nice to myself in the process. I'm ideally looking for stuff that has really helped clever people to get where they need to be, which is why I'm here rather than the google search box.

I am about to start seeing a CBT-based therapist for twelve weeks and thinking about looking at different kinds of therapy in the future (perhaps talking about issues from my past etc.), but in the meantime I just want to be reading as much good stuff as possible on my Kindle to make sense of some of this!

I would also love to hear of books that are about developing independence (or healthy interdependence, or whatevs) as a grown up, not feeling the need for a relationship and how to be nice to people without constantly people-pleasing and having no boundaries.

If there are books particularly about abandonment issues stemming from dads leaving and single mothers drinking, struggling financially, being scared of everything, and viewing romantic relationships as lifeboats for most of your childhood/adolescence, leading to anger, fear and jealousy in later life, then double triple bonus points.

Thanks in advance, folks.

the L word

happyjuice — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 22:21:57 -0800

how can i learn to love myself and be more self-confident in my relationship? my SO told me the other day that he loved me for the first time. it was a really sweet, meaningful moment, particularly because he had taken his time before saying it and he explained exactly what that meant to him. it felt really good to hear, even after many months of him telling me already how much i meant to him and how "perfect" i am.

the problem is... i don't trust it. i trust him, and i'm pretty sure i love him too, but i don't know if i trust love. (i've been in so-called love before, and it turned into a bit of a nightmare.) and as a result, i have a hard time accepting his love for me and not picking all over it and feeling like it's somehow insincere. it also doesn't help that i'm a perfectionist, and the idea of someone else thinking that i'm "perfect" (even though i know they don't really mean perfect, because nobody's truly perfect) puts this strange pressure on me. the burden of living up to the ideal in that person's head or something.

on that note, i've found myself feeling way more self-conscious in this relationship than my last one (which was very long), and i'm not sure why, or what to do about it. my SO hasn't given me any reason to feel judged or strange. he is a little reserved with his feelings, so it was a major milestone (i think) for him to be so candid recently. for whatever reason, i feel like there's a sort of imbalance of vulnerability, and that may be part of the issue. i feel more vulnerable, like i've shared more embarrassing parts of my life and cried in front of him, etc.

anything proactive or specific that i can do to improve my self-confidence and/or balance the vulnerability scales a bit (if that makes any sense)? i'm very independent and the opposite of needy in relationships. i have a lot of other things going on in my life that i'm proud of, and certainly don't want to depend on someone else for satisfaction. but at the same time, i don't think i truly love myself, and that may be the root of the problem.

You lying asshole.

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 08:15:43 -0800

So I'm on a performance plan at work due to dishonesty. Please help me turn this around. FWIW, I'm already in therapy. In my personal life I'm a very honest person and have close friends, loved ones and a fantastic partner who I live with.

In my professional life however, I've somehow entered a bad habit of telling white lies. The only thing I lie about is excuses either not to come to work or to cover me so that I can work from home.

I work a high-power, high-stress, high-type-A, high-anxiety job. My team is ok, and my boss I view as supportive but flakey. My boss is a big proponent of face-time, so I have to commute 50 miles to and from the office each day I'm expected to be there (yes, 100 miles each way) and it's just a lot. However, almost all of what I do can be done virtually, and we already work with folks in other offices across the country and other members of my team work from home freely - yet me and my three peers who report to my boss (we are middle managers, she is a Senior Director) are not able to do so. I've tried talking to her about this, I've proposed a standing "Work from home" day on a day where I don't have many meetings...it works for maybe a week and then it goes out the window with my boss and suddenly she's back to being corporate. I literally get up, go to work, come home, log back online. My personal hobbies are suffering, my social life has gone down the gutter, and I'm becoming a bitter and angry person to the detriment of my relationship with my boyfriend. It sucks.

Anyway, this is all weighing heavily on me and I've started calling in on random days and making up excuses to work from home. This has been happening for about 9 months now and I make excuse after excuse after lie - my car broke down, I got a flat tire, I have a doctor's appointment, I have to pick up my sister at the airport, the dryer broke. My boss has been questioning me about these excuses which lead to a more elaborate story to cover it up - oh, she's flying back from Denver, I have to have a root canal, I don't have AAA and don't know a tow truck to call....it goes on. And it's bad! I'm not a liar and this is killing me.

So. Everything blew up in my face recently. I lied to get out of a luncheon by saying that I had to bring my dog to an emergency vet visit. I texted my boss this about an hour before the luncheon. She managed to find out through a combination of my colleagues I'm sure that I don't have a dog. She confronted me face to face yesterday about it and at first I tried to stick to my story when she questioned me about the vet visit, but then she point blank told me that she knows I'm lying and is putting me on a performance plan.

However, she also said that my actual work is impeccable and amazing and I could be great if I dropped the bullshit. She also thinks that my team could benefit from more positive thinking and can "feel" leadership.

Obviously, I'm devastated and feel like I'm living in a pressure cooker. I told her that I want to turn this around because I love my job (I do) and I like my team (I do) and want to remain with this company (I do!) but we need to rebuild trust. I also told her that the commute is killing me and demanding a lot of energy as well as the logging in after hours and such. I was honest with her, it felt awful after deceiving her the entire time, but I told her that I want to fix this and be trustworthy and earn her trust and fix our relationship. It's true.

How do I turn this around? Quickly? :(

How does an anxious person learn to trust their instincts?

rockpaperdynamite — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 22:10:34 -0800

What are some good hacks for figuring out whether my feelings in a given situation are a result of unhealthy anxiety or healthy intuition? GAD sufferer here. Most of the time, I have a good balance of being able to rely on my intuition and think through things logically, but when I get anxious or stressed it all tends to get confused, especially in situations involving other people / relationships.

I know that just because you *feel* something strongly doesn't necessarily make it a reality; also that there's a difference between intuiting an issue and catastrophising it, but I still have trouble over analysing this.

Also - I tend to literally "feel" anxiety in my gut, especially when I'm anxious or something's not right, so tuning into my body is tricky (but advice on doing that would be welcome.)

I've read lots of good advice here about learning how to trust your gut and the difference between intuition and wishful thinking and I'd love to get your thoughts on how I can tell if it's my my anxiety or my gut talking!

Learning to know myself, and grow myself.

freeform — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 17:52:29 -0800

How do I learn to trust (and know) myself? I seem to have a lot of difficulty accessing and affirming my "gut feelings" about things. I'm in a pretty unstable place in life right now, and I can't seem to find solid ground. I would love to hear how you all deal with intuition, or lack thereof, pertaining to your thoughts and feelings.

It doesn't help that I was a pretty fearful and anxious person growing up, and my parents (one in particular) were overinvolved, domineering, and thought they knew what was best for me. This culminated in a lot of fighting during my teens, but even as I argued with my parents over just about everything, I was still convinced that they were right about stuff. As I grew up and struggled with depression, anxiety, and guilt, I came to overdepend on my parents' advice in many areas. This has been a longstanding habit that I'm only finally starting to break (I'm 26), but I see the same interactions and overdependencies/enabling playing out between my parents and younger sibling, and I get that it's bad.

I think that I'm just starting to "know" myself now, but I still don't, really. And I'm afraid I never will.

Also, I'm in therapy right now. My therapist has confirmed that I need to try and separate my own internal voice from that of my family, and I'm just getting started.

Ethical conundrum

NorthCoastCafe — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 04:37:39 -0800

A first draft document (press release) I emailed to a new colleague for reaction and comment in a new organization I volunteer for was headed 'for your eyes only', 'confidential", and "not for release." It was copied and distributed to others and a reply to me with the explanation, "I assumed you intended others in the group to see it." My disappointment stings. My trust non-existant. While I was highly motivated to do this volunteer work, in something I believe in and value, I fear future experiences will be as frustrating and discouraging as this one. Anyone ever have similar experiences? Options seem to me to 1. ignore it, 2. Confront directly, 3. Resign.

Why trust other people?

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 10:15:04 -0800

I have just ended a long term relationship due to a breach of trust. This has, however, added to my increasing lack of trust in other people -- which was little to begin with. Why should and how do I learn to trust people again? The details:

As a child, I was the scapegoat for anything that went wrong in the house. As such, I was pretty well physically and emotionally abused. Since then, anytime I have managed to build a group of friends, I have inevitably become a scapegoat at some point, ending my relationship with the group. I have been fucked over by friends I'd previously bent over backwards to help a number of times. I have moved to other cities, built new groups of friends, and gone through these situations with all of them.

My last two long term relationships, which, combined, have lasted the past ten years, were with women who took advantage of me and were abusive, both emotionally and physically, and I've had to end both of them due to being cheated on repeatedly in each relationship. During this most recent relationship, which lasted five years, I was attempting to become friends with her friends, and I thought things were going well, but these are the people with whom she was cheating on me.

I have had the same roommate for the past five years, too, and, over the past year, he has made a number of decisions that work to his own and our other roommate's benefit but are detrimental to me; when I've informed them of this, I've been dismissed as being difficult. Whenever I voice complaints that others' choices are hurting me, I am discounted as being argumentative, even though I rarely state any kind of disagreement with anyone.

Over the past ten years of therapy I have significantly improved my self esteem, but this has had no bearing on people treating me like a doormat, even should I protest. I am in my mid thirties and, at this point, I really have no reason to trust anyone anymore. I have had a single loyal friend for the past fifteen years, and, presently, that is the only friend I have. And I have never been so naive as to just trust anyone. I try to be kind and patient, and I tend to focus on the good in people. I have never been fighty or argumentative, and I rarely make decisions without seriously considering how they might affect those around me first.

I have been told to assert myself when I feel as though I'm being taken advantage of, but this has always led to people dismissing me as argumentative. I have been told that this happens because I lack self esteem, but I have a fair amount of self esteem at this point and nothing has changed. Even before this breakup, due to treatment by others who I'd thought were my friends, I'd decided to trust people less, to the extent that I didn't want to attempt to make new friends. Now, having had to break up with my closest friend for the past five years, I honestly don't have a reason to trust anyone anymore.

How have you learned to trust people when consistently given reason not to trust anyone?

Last Will and Testament of the an Artist

shipbreaker — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 19:02:59 -0800

Artists, what will happen to your writings music and artworks if/when you die? Any ideas? Do you have a will, and a clause with some legal language? Kafka left instructions to have his work burned --- and look how that turned out.

I also heard a horror story about all of Marshall McLuhan's papers and notes being thrown to the curbside for recycling when he died.

I personally feel my unfinished work could conceivably be fixed up by a certain caliber of artist, but any artist of such a caliber should be pretty busy working on their own stuff, feels very Catch-22. I think my cousin Steve would know what to do with everything, and recognize the "value" in what I have created, but he's way too busy to ever do all the work.

How would I set up a trust to hire employees to scan everything in and put it online for free into the Creative-Commons?

Artists of Metafilter, what ideas have you had about what should happen to all of your unfinished work should you unexpectedly die? What have other famous artists done?

Can a healthy marriage last?

horizonseeker — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 11:46:28 -0800

How do I regain my trust in marriage when my role models of healthy marriage are separating? I met and have been close to a couple (let’s call them Couple X) a while ago, during a year of volunteering abroad. They have a happy, healthy relationship, which I found both admirable and amazing, as I had not met a couple in a healthy marriage before. While I know lots of couples who seem happy, I do not know any of them well enough who have been married for 5+ years to gauge the honesty of their love, respect, and affection toward each other. My parents have not shown real affection toward each other; sometimes I wonder whether they would both be happier without each other.
I assumed that the feelings I have had toward partners would not be able to last, and would eventually end - best case scenario - with tolerance of my partner. I see so many relatively new happy couples and so few truly happy marriages; I presumed that this was the path any relationship I partook in would end. Couple X was my first real hope of the kind of family I want to be a part of: their kids are secure and obviously well raised, he was the affectionate husband I want, and she was the caring wife I want to be.
Recently, they have decided to separate, citing some incident over the past summer that they have not elaborated upon and have not been able to get past as the catalyst to their divorce. This seems unreal, because while they have problems similar to many couples and families, they cared and loved each other and were genuinely happy. This one event changed their whole relationship from something that worked, something that benefited and fulfilled them. I feel like my faith in marriage is shaken.
How do I cope with this? How do I regain faith in marriage when I have no role models of it, especially as I have recently gotten engaged? Are there any resources to uplift my uncertainty, or do you have any anecdotes that are encouraging?
Also, how can I best support Couple X during this shattering period? Others have written them words of condolence. Is this the best way I can support them? I’d like to do more, but I live in another country. Any other suggestions would be appreciated.
I am a mid-twenties female in the US, FWIW. Thanks, hivemind.

Help me tell daughter Santa Claus truth

lynnie-the-pooh — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 23:39:06 -0800

Help me tell 8 year old the truth about Santa Last year, my 7 year old daughter asked me if Santa was real? I panicked and said yes. She said some kids at school said he isn't real but I said, "Well, where do those presents come from then? I believe in Santa."

The part of me that panicked and said that was the part that has been telling her about Santa since she was a toddler, and I always tell her that Mommy tells the truth, you can always trust Mommy, etc. So now, if I tell her otherwise, I don't know how she is going to believe that I tell the truth and she can trust me.

How can I word it so she can understand why I did it, and why I am coming clean now, but that all the rest of what I tell her is the truth. Trust is a big issue with her and I.

I know the third graders are going to say it again this year and I want to be ready.