Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Shyness

She likes me, but does she like me like me?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:32:50 -0800

Late start at dating, and I'm worried that I don't/can't express attraction on dates or around people I like. Halp! I've gotten a really late start into the dating world. I'm in my mid-20s and have basically only gone on a handful of first dates (all arranged online), mostly in the past year or so, none of which have involved more physical contact than a rather chaste goodbye hug. A few times I've developed friendships with (single) women I've been pretty attracted to, but those have not morphed into anything more. (I don't know how to! Literally, don't know how those things happen.) Even aside from the mechanics of it ("touch her arm X times!" "mention Y!"--not that I think you can go by some textbook here), I don't know what happens if the "move" (physical or verbal) is unwanted/unrequited. Seems like it would be extremely awkward, especially if we've already become "friends." And it seems like friends is what I know how to do - I meet someone I'm attracted to and then when we hang out, I don't act like it's a date (I guess - how do you act like it's a date other than paying for someone?)

Relevant background:
-I'm a woman, and I'm pretty much only interested in dating women.
-I grew up (through high school) in a religious environment where no one dated and there was pretty extreme separation of the sexes. (i.e. lack of dating/flirting experience or exposure at a "normal" age, combined with developing the tendency to censor attraction since liking women wasn't really okay in that environment.) (But I have been away from that for >6 years at this point.)

I guess it would be perfect if I ended up on a date with someone who takes the reins and I'm attracted to, but:
a) I don't feel like I can/should count on someone else like that (as someone said in another AskMe: man who wait for roast duck to fly into mouth wait long time.)
b) I worry that I give off "not interested" signals, which might be stopping many people from taking the reins. I'm not an extremely physical person (would love to be more so) and I have these internal filters that seem to stop me from being really obvious about my attraction to people.

To my knowledge, no one, male or female, has ever overtly hit on me or expressed interest (excepting maybe the very occasional sketchy street dude), which suggests I'm either oblivious to cues or giving off some sort of "don't go there" signal.

How can I seem more receptive to advances? How do I express this stuff other than "hey, I like you?"

What happens when you try kissing someone (a friend suggested I just take the plunge and kiss someone I'd been hanging out with) and it wasn't wanted/expected? Or even if you grab their hand and it wasn't wanted?

Throwaway email since this is anon: askme.dating@gmail.com.

Suggestions for shy/anxious lurkers at meetups?

Two unicycles and some duct tape — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:49:31 -0800

Where can I find, order and purchase, by this evening, a T-shirt that says "Lurker" in big white letters? (Or would that be a bad idea?) Alternatively: please help me find ways to minimize or avoid social anxiety awkwardness at the PDX meetup. Hi, I'm a Metafilter lurker. I've been hanging around since 2002 or so but I don't say much. (This is actually my second account; I said a couple of things under my first account but I had second thoughts about them so I retired that one.) I have some social anxiety issues which make gatherings full of strangers difficult for me, though I'm trying to work through them as best I can.

I went to a meetup here in Portland a couple of years ago (at Ground Kontrol, some of you may remember it) and I spent a couple of hours doing the 'restlessly-circling-the-room-looking-for-some-reason-not-to-leave-immediately' thing that those of you who are shy or socially awkward probably know very well. Ultimately I did talk briefly with a couple of nice folks and it wasn't altogether as painful as it might have been, though I did leave quite early. The most awkward moments of the evening, I found, were those few when I'd end up facing someone and they'd visibly run through this Mefi recognition checklist: do I know this guy's face? no... do I recognize his username? [cue squinting and frowning at name badge] no... is there someone more interesting I could be talking to? hmm, probably... and then they'd sort of move on. It got to where I wanted to interrupt folks to say "Look, honest, you don't know me, you've never seen me post or comment, it's okay, hi, how are you?"

Sure, I get the curiosity about who folks are on Metafilter, and there are a ton of y'all whose posts and comments I've loved reading over the years and would probably enjoy chatting with in person, so I totally get the scanning-nametags-hoping-to-run-into-languagehat thing. But it's awkward and a bit disheartening to feel like I'm letting folks down just by not having a recognizable username. (Even if it is, as you'll no doubt suggest, all in my head. All-in-one's-headness doesn't necessarily make it go away.)

So I'm debating how best to approach the meetup this time to minimize potential awkwardness. I kind of feel like a "Lurker" t-shirt might help - that way I can get that right out of the way, no one will expect to know me, right? (Given the short notice, maybe it'd be easier to find someone who could whip up a button or something?) Or maybe we should stake out and designate a Lurker's Corner or something, where we not-so-extrovertish lurkers can get our lurk on in the shallow end before venturing into the deeper waters where all the cool kids hang out?

I'd really like to feel more at ease and possibly make some friends among Portland Mefites, but I'm feeling some anxiety already and beginning to have second thoughts about going. Any thoughts or suggestions on ways to mitigate anxiety and have a great time at tonight's meetup would be most welcome.

Just not that into me?

mdn31 — Tue, 26 May 2009 09:23:14 -0800

Hi, I met a man online about a year and a half ago...we have communicated via phone for all this time though some times more frequent than others. I am a 30 something and he is a 40 something. It took us a looooooong time to met (which I finally did this past weekend) for a variety of reasons. I was nervous, we both are shy, I was not sure if he would like me physically, etc., etc. In fact, there were two trips that were previously cancelled. This weekend, finally, I went. I stayed at a hotel, and he was a good host. I was there for 3 days. We did all kinds of touristy things in his town and he treated me like a lady, yet, there was no physical contact. Actually, 2 hugs, that was it. When I arrived, and when I left. No attempted hand holding, no subtle touches, no kiss...it took so long to meet and we are not exactly close in proximity so another meeting may not be anytime soon. I have to say, I expected that he might...so I gotta wonder, does this mean that he was "just not that into me?" I am not sure how to proceed. Hope you can help me figure this out?

How to Keep Steady?

EatTheWeak — Mon, 25 May 2009 11:43:48 -0800

Please help a fella out with the next stage of his Courtship Reeducation Program: How to stay cool when you can't stay ambivalent? Yup, DatingFilter, your favorite and mine.

A little over a year ago I got fed up with my poor romantic track record and set out to do something about it. The idea was to address the things I felt stood in the way of my having a fulfilling love life and the goal was to sort them out while I was still young.

That meant getting in shape, dressing better, disabusing myself of the impossibly high-pressure "soulmate" theory, curing myself of Nice Guy Syndrome and basically embracing the status of "single" as something that's actually pretty fun and exciting to be. This reeducation program is ongoing and I'm in no rush whatsoever to wind up in a comitted relationship any time soon. However, I have reached something of an impasse, and I was hoping to get the HiveMind's help with getting around it.

See, as a lifelong shy bastard, I recently learned that flirting is a total blast and, in spite of the panic you may initially feel, getting to know a woman usually doesn't put you in any physical danger. When I'm ambivalent about a gal, I have absolutely zero difficulty keeping these facts in mind. If I find a girl kinda cute and interesting, talking with her is super fun and easy.

If she's gorgeous and fascinating, however, it all falls apart. My tongue goes five sizes too big and maintaining eye contact feels like it's gonna blow my head off. That once-omnipresent panicking pressure to be funnyandinterestingandattractive at all times comes back and I feel like I gotta dive for cover. Which is what I usually wind up doing, which is a drag.

I'd like to make unraveling this malfunction my summer project. I've gotten pretty good at staying cool when talking and flirting with women I'm ambivalent about; how do I do this when a gal's really rung my bell? Mild attraction is no longer terrifying, but I've still got this situation going where, the more my type a woman is, the less likely I am to talk to her. The surest sign I really dig a girl is that I never say a word to her, and that's a trend I'd like to reverse.

How did you find love or companionship in spite of anxiety?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:02:02 -0800

What steps did you take to find your partner in spite of social anxiety or severe shyness? This is for the members who consider them to be anywhere from moderately shy to severely social phobic. If you currently are or were in a relationship, how did you meet your SO? What steps did you take to improve your chances of meeting this person. I mean things you did apart from therapy and other self help stuff like getting shape and dressing better and such.

I know the usual advice in reply to questions related to meeting people and finding potential lovers/mates is to "just be yourself" and that "it will happen when you're not looking or least expecting it" and so forth but I don't think it would apply for the majority of those grappling with this issue.

So, did you start with a concrete plan in mind? Did you enlist the help of someone more extroverted? Did moving to a larger city or town make a difference? Or joining any particular organization or activity group. Once you'd encountered that person, did you make the first move? Or were you lucky enough that it occurred the other way around? How did your interactions in the early stages of the relationship play out? Did it all just fall in place because your SO is also just as reserved? In short, how did it happen !?! Any and all specifics that you could share would be very helpful and hopefully instructive.

I'd like to hear from members of both sexes but specially from men since it seems it might have been more of a challenge for them.

I'm working assiduously on my problem but feel that time is running out and with each passing month/year the label of "single, shy 30-something guy" looks even more unattractive and unhelpful. And I fully realize that there isn't any single thing that will work for everyone; I'm just interested in hearing about the experiences of others . My apologizes if this comes across as a bit of a ramble and/or chat filter material.

You can email me at anon.mefi1@gmail.com if you wish to share something in private.

Coyness is nice, but coyness can hurt you..

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 19:22:27 -0800

I"m still struggling with shyness and anxiety as an adult -- and I'm not for therapy. I think I can overcome, as I seem to have two personalities, it's a matter of making one of them stick. How can I just stay in the right one, and make the other one never come back (or limit how much it does) I was shy yet naturally confident as a kid. I think that's the key point.. that I always felt this natural confidence or strength. I came from a family who were pretty social, lots of older sisters. I was the youngest bro.

So I feel like I really have two sides. You could say one's extroverted, social, secure, the other's not. It's kinda a day by day thing now. Before, it used to be year long phases. Now I wake up not knowing if I'm going to be social me or shy/anxious me. That's what's preventing me from making new friends, cause I don't trust myself. I might be social that first month I meet them, but turn in a matter of minutes to shy, triggered by some event or situation.

That's the thing. When I'm social.. sure I'm not exactly a butterfly, but I hold my own. I'll meet cool interesting people, I know lot of people who are really socially active, who go to parties and events, people in the entertainment biz. I grew up near LA but now I live in Santa Monica where being comfortably social is pretty much expected from you. It is tough here.

But when I turn shy, it becomes crippling shy. That's the issue. It makes me totally avoid people and lose friends. But they never know why. I generally hang with the 20's/30's crowd, where it seems this stuff *should* be common but it doesn't seem so. I can go online and feel like I have plenty of company, yet in the real world, I do feel as if I'm the only person on the planet experiencing this.

Yet I think as long as I can hold on to that thread holding my social side together, I can be fine. I just don't know how to make it consistent.. to make it last. The shy side keeps coming back and killing my social life. Any advice?????? Thanks.. much appreciated.

Should a reclusive borderline try to meet people or find intimacy? If so, how?

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 08:34:32 -0800

Long post about my struggle with friendlessness, shyness and borderline personality disorder inside. Short form: how does a shy, sensitive, friendless guy meet kind, like-minded people and build up a social support network, and should a borderline avoid seeking a partner altogether? My apologies for the long post.

I'm male, approaching my mid-twenties, living in Brisbane, Australia. I lost my parents to a car accident when I was in my early teens. I lived with my grandmother until I was 17, and then moved out on my own. She has since developed Alzheimer's and now has a full-time carer. I see her far less often than I should.

I didn't enjoy school, I had few close friends and was generally unliked. I felt very strong negative emotions whenever I was teased or criticised, and my only external reaction to being hurt was to become completely silent. I had always been very shy, but became much more so after I entered boarding school. I had one intense relationship from about age 14 to 17, which ended with me being dumped. I realise that's not atypical, but I mention it because it's the only emotionally intimate relationship I've ever had.

Not long after this relationship ended and I left school I became totally reclusive, leaving my apartment only to go grocery shopping and for haircuts and dental appointments and little else, really. There's a multitude of reasons for it. First and foremost though, I feel incredibly uncomfortable around people; I hate being judged or rejected and I'm terrified of the powerful negative emotions that being emotionally close to someone can stir up. Sometimes I feel as though simple financial opportunity also keeps me here - if I had to go out and work, I probably would. Other times though I feel completely helpless, as though if it weren't for the inheritance I'd be homeless and utterly unable to function. I feel very ashamed of myself for achieving so little in life.

My days have consisted of little more than reading, watching television and browsing the web. After a while I got sick of fiction and started to only watch the news and documentaries on television, read news websites and expose myself to a wide variety of opinions on various political topics and educate myself on the various things that interested me; liberal political ideologies, economics, technology and science, chemistry, physics, programming, electronics, business, sociology, history, religion, that sort of thing. I feel like I have a fully-fledged personality, but it hasn't ever really been exposed to anyone.

For a while I maintained some friendships over the internet. However when my ex-girlfriend reached out to me a couple of years ago as a friend, I became far too enamoured far too quickly, experienced rapid mood swings and overwhelmingly powerful emotions (positive and negative), I started blaming her for everything, experienced rages and then one evening a suicide attempt and hospitalisation. After that I cut off all ties with everyone, both out of shame for what I had done and fear of feeling those emotions again. I visited a psychiatrist again and received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, the description of which really rang true for me, aptly describing my emotions and post-predicting much of my behaviour in relationships through most of my teens and beyond, as well as my personality when dealing with people I'm forced to deal with (like the barber and dentist and so on), which is always incredibly friendly and deeply interested in whatever they have to say, regardless of whether i really care or agree.

I've tried therapy and medication, on and off for years, with a few different professionals. There's some comfort in knowing there's an explanation for my shyness, rapidly changing moods and intensely overpowering emotions, but ultimately I found therapy and medication to be ineffective, even though I tried it with hope and an open mind. I remained terribly lonely and unable to meet people.

However after this most recent lonely new year's eve I decided to finally stop feeling so sorry for myself and try to turn things around and get out and meet people. I stopped blaming my past for all my problems and finally accepted that I did most of this to myself. There's also a creeping sense of desperation that my life is slipping away from me, that before I know it I'll have missed my entire youth. 23 is still early enough for me to turn things around and have some semblance of a normal life. I'm sick of being a loner.

Since starting to entertain the notion of going out or even *gasp* finding a girlfriend a whole new raft of insecurities have cropped up. I worry people will find me terribly boring, who could ever be attracted to someone so insecure and needy, someone who can't even sort out his own life, i have serious body-image issues, lack of sexual experience (I'm a virgin), i'm too self-centred, what if people find out i'm crazy (do i even tell them?), men are supposed to be assertive and secure, blah blah, the list goes on and on and on. I'm fairly confident most of these insecurities will go away over time, I just have to push through them and force myself to try.

But more importantly, I don't want to hurt anyone like I have in the past with stupid shit like suicide attempts and terrible rages and blaming people for all my problems. There are some who view borderline personality disorder as an uncontrollable and endless series of manipulations, and while I disagree and find that opinion deeply damaging and hurtful, there's no denying that my actions and inability to cope with powerful emotions have caused deep pain to people, for which I've only recently been able to apologise.

After the new year began I asked an old school friend to meet up some time. Just this week he and his girlfriend came over for dinner. There were a few moments where we all seemed to enjoy ourselves. I forced myself to turn off my default "I'm fascinated by everything you're interested in" personality but I had difficulty connecting since I don't have many experiences to draw conversation from and neither of them are into politics or follow the news or have much interest in science or anything I had to say, really. After I had mentioned off-hand that I "hadn't been out in years", they invited me to go out clubbing with them the rest of the evening. I turned it down, thinking it'd be far too much far too soon, and then they left. I felt good about the evening for a while but soon after I felt quite apprehensive that they may have found me quite boring or weird.

I don't really know what to do next. My other few friends from school have left the country.

So, given all of this;

How does an almost completely friendless person find friends? How do I meet people? I would find it easier to relate to people who have similar interests to mine; so, current events, politics (more socially left-wing than not, but totally open-minded and not blindly aligning to either side), science, skepticism in general (including atheism but not preachy about it), economics, media, society in general. Preferably quite intelligent people. All of this with the caveat that I'm extremely shy and fragile, and that's not likely to go away until I get a lot of practise socialising. I don't think I'd ever enjoy the bar scene or music festivals or anything like that, which is unfortunately what my old school friend seems to enjoy the most.

What am I going to do if I do actually find someone with whom I can be close? Should I explain how insecure I am, how easy it is to set off mood swings? Should I just avoid seeking a partner entirely, for now?

How do I explain locking myself away for the last 5 years without totally creeping people out?

Fellow recluses, shybies or borderlines, I'm also interested in your anecdotes of recovery or coping.

Thanks.

how can I get shy people to turn up for meetings of my shyness group?

AuroraSky — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:20:56 -0800

A question for the shy/ introverted - what sort of meetup group would you really want to be a part of? As someone who helps organise such a group, how can I get people excited about it? I started a Meetup group for shy people in my home city (Glasgow, Scotland) back in February 2007. I have benefitted from meetings of a similar group in the past but that fizzled away. Our group has been really good in some ways (have had 33 meets, and the ones I have been too I have enjoyed a lot) but we can only get a tiny proportion of our 143 members to turn up to meetings - maybe 2, 3, or 4 at times. If we could only get to the point of having 6 regular attendees that would be great, and anything more a bonus. Our group is not a self-help or therapy-type group, it's purely about practicing social skills through meeting up and chatting at coffee shops, or doing a shared activity like going to a local museum then chatting in the cafe after. We have tried meeting in the pub sometimes too but many shy people seem to have really negative views of pubs and the people who go there.
I feel fortunate to live in a big city where there's room for a group such as ours, and think our group has a lot of potential. At the same time I feel a bit down that our attendance is so much smaller than the other group I occasionally go to (just a coffee and conversation group for regular folks). I know some people are * really * shy and despite their good intentions will never bring themselves to meet up with strangers, but how can I persuade more of the persuadable ones to give our meets a try? If you are a shy person, what would persuade you to go along to such a group (and alternatively, what would put you off?)

I have enough free time that I can spend a couple of hours writing a little e-newsletter to coincide with each upcoming meeting, for example with tips on overcoming shyness in particular situation that I've found in books, but I'm not sure if people ever actually implement such advice (in fact I am not the best at implementing such advice myself, it's going to meets that has been the most helpful thing for me). Apart from these little newsletters, does anyone else have suggestions for creating a group that shy people will want to be actively, as opposed to passively, a part of?

Could ADD cause shyness?

Andy Harwood — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 08:13:55 -0800

I've always been very shy and I have alot of the symptoms of ADD (difficulty concentrating, planning and organising, easily distracted, poor short term memory etc.) although I haven't been diagnosed. I wouldn't describe myself as socially anxious as I generally feel pretty comfortable around people. My problem is I can never think of anything to say and when I do think of something I can't articulate it properly. I have the same problem when I write things online so I don't think it's a case of my mind going blank due to anxiety. I'm wondering if the two problems could be related. Like I can't organise my thoughts properly or I can't concentrate on thinking of something to say.

ShyGuyFilter: What's my next move with an unassertive guy?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 21:16:58 -0800

I initiated our hang-out; he enthusiastically responded. The evening started with great conversation and mutual interest-- and then the energy seemed to weirdly wane as the evening went on. To be fair, we had a grueling evening. What now? At the risk of posting another "Is he into me?" question, here goes:

I met a guy through mutual friends a couple weeks ago-- I was pretty smitten, and he didn't leave my side all evening, kept asking me questions, giving me cute looks. We talked for a couple of hours and there seemed to be a real connection-- we had a ton in common, and I found him instantly intellectually engaging. He facebook friended me within hours, and I (uncharacteristically) asked him out. He responded enthusiastically right away, and we made plans to go to a theater festival later in the week.

So the big night arrives, we go to dinner, and everything's going great-- he's looking foxy, the convo is easy and flirtatious. All's well. Then we go to one show, which is great, but long. Then we go to another, also long and demanding. It's getting late, and I'm starting to get tired. The convo is still good, but it feels like we're both getting worn out. We go to a few more shows, and he finally brings me home around 2. We're both exhausted at this point, and we chat awkwardly in the car for a few minutes before I say, "Okay, well, have a great day tomorrow" and bolt.

A few additional facts:
- He told me a few times throughout the evening that he's extremely shy and unassertive, made reference to being a big nerd back in the day.
- We accidentally touched arms a few times, but he didn't let it linger.
- I ran into him several days later and he was friendly and seemed a little nervous. I didn't say anything about hanging out again because I just can't get a read on him. We had a friendly casual chat, and I left being more confused than before.

Question: Did I screw things up by having such a long, grueling first date, a multi-hour event that might exhaust any two people who don't know each other well? Should I hang back now and wait to see if he initiates something? Is he interested and deadly shy, or simply uninterested, and I'm in denial?

I usually just scratch someone off if they're not enthusiastically initiating plans, but maybe he's just really shy? Help!

Extroverts, please speak up!

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:22:33 -0800

This one is for the extroverts. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety/shyness to varying degrees my entire life, I'm very curious to know what your inner dialogue is like? What goes on in your mind in various everyday social situations? Are there 'positive' things (if anything at all) that you're saying to yourself or is it just the opposite in that there isn't much of a dialogue prior to the action and instead of thinking (or overthinking) about the hows and whys and whatifs, you just act.

For example, you spot an attractive stranger across the room, decide you'd like to talk to them. Do you then just walk across the room and do it just because you wish to talk to them, without any planning, or caring about the outcome? Is that how it is, when you boil it down? You just do and think/evaluate later? What if the outcome isn't what you'd desired? What are you mental processes in that case, post action. Do you even have an inner critic or were you just born with the ability to 'be in the moment' ?

I realize that it is 'natural' to experience some degree of anxiety in the scenarios similar to the one mentioned above and yet there seem to be some for whom feeling anxious (at least socially) seems like a totally alien concept. It is from those people (though comments from others are also welcome) that I'd like to hear. I just want to know what kind of self evaluation (if any at all) is going on in your mind when you're in social situations.

Thanks!

How can I overcome my sexual shyness?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:47:46 -0800

I would like to be more, er, assertive in bed, but I'm too shy. How can I get past this? Is there a good self-help book on the subject? Is there anything you've personally tried that worked for you? Sex with my boyfriend is like a graham cracker - I enjoy it while I'm having it, but I'm not often craving it. This is almost entirely my fault - I'm not making much effort to change anything or express my feelings on the matter. I don't really know how. The problem for me is that I'm painfully shy when it comes to sex. I get embarrassed so easily! Rational or not, I can't even bring up what I like because I'm too terrified of being made fun of. I haven't really had much trouble with this in the past because past boyfriends were a bit controlling, which worked perfectly for me in the bedroom. I actually like to be controlled a bit in (and only in) the bedroom. Besides, if someone else is calling the shots, you can't embarrass yourself, right? My present beau seems to be more about pleasing me, however, which would be wonderful if I knew how to tell him what I want. But I don't. Help me figure out how to get past this.

How does a decent, caring but impotent and shy guy ever find a girlfriend?

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 17:02:04 -0800

I am a 38-year-old man who has many good qualities (I hope so at least) but two drawbacks which understandably be dealbreakers for most women - I am impotent and I have a small penis (around 4 inches on the rare occasions it is erect), so even if my impotence got treated I am not sure I could satisfy a women. On the other hand, I have heard that it's possible to have satisfactory sex life with a 3 inch penis, but have no idea how that can be. So basically I am what would be a figure of ridicule for many other men, and not exactly a strong candidate to be a boyfriend for most women either. However I know some women while still heterosexual may not want a sexual partner e.g. they may be celibate for whatever reason. And there may even be women who will overlook a sex life without penetrative sex for the right person. I have just come out of a four-year relationship which had lots of affection and companionship but not strong feelings of passion and obviously no sex, but I eventually want another relationship again and believe I have a lot of love to give the right person. How can I find her? I have only been in one long-term relationship in my life, which lasted 4 years after we met on a self-help site. It took me a long time to accept that someone could actually fancy me as I felt unloveable because of my previous lack of success with women (she even asked me out, which I thought was great) and even more amazingly she even accepted my impotence. She was a great friend to me and helped me become a more affectionate and open person where I was totally shy before. She made me feel accepted and lovable, like I had something to offer, but I ended the relationship when my romantic feelings went away and we became more like best friends/ roommates since I didn't think it was fair to either of us to live a lie (with me not feeling things as I used to). I wish we could still be friends but she was devasted and didn't want to see me anymore - which I can understand totally.

Because of this one relationship I know I could have another with the right person, if only I could meet them. Since I have mild SA (social anxiety) as well as shyness I visit a lot of SA websites and there are a surprising number of people who have never had a partner, even at my age, and I think I would get along well with another shy person and they might be accepting of my physical problem too. Since shy people by definition are often at home, where do I find such a person? At what point in a relationship with someone do I confess I'm impotent, and if we have mutual friends by then isn't there the potential for some huge public embarrassment on my part as well as feeling rejected if it's a dealbreaker for her? I do think the only way I could find such a needle in a haystack is online dating, but should I advertise for friends first (and see if the "maybe more" happens eventually) or is that being deceptive?

I am in no rush to find a partner as I feel it's time to regroup and work on being someone I can imagine being more dateable (for example I need to lose some weight). However when it's time to start dating again, how can I overcome my handicaps and find someone that I can love and will love me too?

I am * SO * glad Ask Metafilter exists as I could never bring this subject up with my male friends. Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

Hi, I'm AWKWARD! (But how awkward am I?)

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 09:19:27 -0800

Do people with under-developed social skills know that their skills need work? If so, how? I’ve had trouble making and keeping friends throughout my life, from childhood, though high school and college and now into adulthood and the workplace. I only recently realized this pattern-- I’ve always been consumed by my work and always told myself that I could have friends if I wanted to make time for them. Turns out that might not be true.

Now I’m trying to figure out why people don’t seem to seek out my company, or don’t seem to enjoy spending time with me. I’m pretty sure that I’m no more awkward than your average nerd… But it recently occurred to me that lacking social skills would probably prevent me from, uh, knowing that I lack social skills. Hence my question: could I be completely socially inept and just not know it?

Some pertinent points:
-I feel pretty confident saying that I don’t have Asperger’s or the like. (I worked in social services for some time, am highly emotional, and I think I do well with “reading people” and navigating internal politics.)

-I get very nervous in social situations and become afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing. That, coupled with a diagnoses of Adult ADD (and the impulse control problems that come with it) means that I often *do* say the wrong thing. Never hurtful things-- more like jokes that turn out not to be funny, or revealing things I shouldn’t have.

-I’m shy and tend to be quiet around new people-- largely out of nervousness (see above). Do people just think I’m unfriendly?

What else should I be looking for? And do you guys have any advice for remedying this?

Since I can’t send anonymous thank yous, I thank you now, MeFites.

Help me overcome and introverted nature.

mintchip — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 19:56:55 -0800

Help me overcome and introverted nature. I am basically introverted. I don't have a hard time talking to people if I have to, or if I really want to. I just often don't really have the desire to overcome my default state of introversion.

It's not that I don't like other people; in fact, I love it when people are friendly with me!! I've just always been more content to sit back and observe others and wait for them to talk to me. But more often than not, this results in missed opportunities. Seems like people just don't notice the quiet girl who sits back and waits for them to talk to her :(

Recently I've been spending time with someone who is very outgoing. He makes friends with all of the wait staff (male or female) whenever we go out. Honestly, this leaves me feeling a little jealous--I would love to meet people too and have friends wherever I go but feel that no one ever talks to me.

I think the issue is that I just don't know how to make the first move. How can I push myself out of my comfort zone?

I use drinking to manage social anxiety.

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 05:25:24 -0800

I use drinking to manage social anxiety. Suggestions? I have a tendency to binge drink. I feel that I do this because I am a shy, inhibited person, and I just love that it helps me interact freely with others without feeling self conscious or thinking too much (I'm a huge overanalyzer—it’s exhausting!). Being single exacerbates this because I get so nervous when I go on dates…it’s very tempting to share a bottle of wine at dinner and then go to a bar afterwards.

My drinking is completely related to social events. If I'm getting invited out a lot, I'm drinking more; if I'm not going out, drinking plays almost no role in my life. Also, many of my friends are heavy drinkers, and invariably all events are centered around alcohol.

I am beginning to realize that alcohol is a social crutch that I might do better without (or with less). Most of all, I am concerned about the health effects of binge drinking. My diet is great, I exercise, etc...will binge drinking 3 times a month really damage my liver?

So, my questions are …
How bad for one’s health/liver is binge drinking (~3 times/month)?
How can I cut back/quit and just learn to deal with my social phobias?
How to manage dating nerves without alcohol?

I would consider getting help from a professional, but I really don’t feel that a 12-step program would suit me or the specifics of my problem. I truly don’t feel that alcohol is THE problem…I feel that shyness is the true issue and that alcohol is just the quickest, easiest way I’ve found to deal with debilitating shyness. However, I want to protect my health and realize that alcohol in excess is not healthful.

I’m a women, fyi.

Help me keep my mind about me when I just want to order coffee or interview at Google

DarkForest — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 19:14:37 -0800

I'm painfully shy. My mind often goes blank during social interactions. It's almost like I kind of lose myself. I'd like to find a way to fight this. Sometimes I seem to go into an auto-pilot sort of mode during a conversation or interview, but a particularly mindless auto-pilot. One that doesn't quite seem to remember what he wanted to order, or talk about, or remember common english idioms (like ordering coffee "black", not "plain" or "straight" as I did yesterday).

I realize that anxiety is a component in this, but it often happens when the anxiety doesn't seem that great. Maybe it's just a deeply ingrained habit, or there's some component of anxiety below conscious awareness. I've been using CBT (Dr. Burns, et al), meditation, diet and exercise to combat this problem and they do seem to help with the anxiety.

Still, when the moment of truth comes and I'm facing someone, my mind goes all white-out. Help me MeFi! What advice can you give? What related experiences have you had? Techniques for remaining grounded and "present" especially appreciated. Thanks.

Moderately screwed up. Hand me that ratchet, Nurse.

rosemere — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 12:28:47 -0800

Therapy or bootstraps? I have no friends beyond immediate family and online acquaintances. I can't clean house or do my home-based job because I get distracted -- by surfing the Net, even though it gets boring and I get less and less pleasure from it, by eating, by walking around the house, or by doing anything but the productive work I know I need to do to be happy. I have a very difficult time even reading a complete book, and I have always been an avid reader. And I have almost completely starved the creative part of myself. I have almost nothing to show for my life over the past twenty years. I'm seeing my family doctor this week to get a referral, but I have tried psychotherapy once as a teen, once in university, and once in my thirties over many of the same issues, and found that typical talk therapist could either be out-smarted or else they were dispensing cookie cutter advice.

In my first year at a small alternative high school, I hid from fellow students. If I was walking down the hall and people were approaching, I would duck down a side hall so I wouldn't have to greet them. Somehow things turned around the next year and I developed a circle of friends, and I was reasonably sociable and happy. The same thing happened in during my undergraduate degree, where I had several new friends and was part of two overlapping social circles.

But I grew less and less adept at gaining friends as the years passed. In grad school, I saw two women who never met each other before form a fast and deep friendship. I was part of the larger social circle they were part of, but always felt I was on the periphery.

And after leaving university and getting away from the few comfortable social circles I had held onto for 10 years, I found myself around people I didn't feel comfortable with. I was too old, or too shy, or awkward, and I didn't try to make friends.

But now I'm in my 40s. For the past ten years, I haven't even tried to be sociable. My husband and I hardly go out. Our mutual circle of friends has almost completely melted away and his current friends are people from his job (yes, young and attractive and smart and intimidating, and I feel that I embarrass myself around them).

When people talk about the friends they have from childhood or college, I look back and see friends I used to have that I would be ashamed to meet now. I am even more embarrassed that I don't have friends now. I know this is stupid, but it's my gut reaction.

So -- yeah. Social isolation. Self-esteem issues. Some depression. Difficulty concentrating. Do I give therapy another go, or should I just sit down and try some basic, sensible things like volunteering, taking some classes, etc.? That could help with the social isolation, but I still have issues with concentration and focus that may or may not resolve on their own.

(One thing I very recently realized is that I may need to either "incubate" with a group for a year or more to find my place in it, or else I need to be thrown in the deep end by literally living with people, as I did in university co-op housing for a couple of years or in the 6 weeks of French immersion I took one summer before university. I probably won't move into communal living any time soon, but I may need to find a comfy niche for a year before the specific friends issue gets better.)

Eye contact, smiling and communicating interest?

mintchip — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:01:47 -0800

Eye contact, smiling and how to be more approachable? What I'm trying to figure out is how to communicate interest to others and seem more approachable, particularly when it comes to eye contact and smiling.

I am quite shy and have the hardest time looking strangers in the eye. Sometimes I'll be out at a cafe or on the street and a guy will be looking or even staring at me and even if I *want* them to approach me I look away. Once someone is talking to me I have no problem looking them in the eye...I just have trouble communicating interest initially.

First of all, I live in the northeast where people are pretty reserved and not very friendly. Second, I'm not sure how long to look people in the eye to communicate openess or interest without it seeming strange. Also, do I need to smile at the same time (if I don't, it will seem unfriendly, right?). Finally, I'm scared they will look away or think I'm desperate, so the way I avoid that is by just keeping a blank look on my face much of the time. I'm sure this comes across as disinterest, but that's not what I want to convey.

I know I'm overthinking this, but humor me, Mefites ;) It's not easy being an introvert in an extrovert's world.

I'm a great public speaker, but painfully shy in every other situation. What to do?

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 03:43:02 -0800

I'm a great public speaker, but painfully shy in every other situation. What to do? I'm an extremely shy guy in social situations, but when it comes to public speaking, I'm very confident and bold. This issue has been bothering me for ages, so I'm looking for a way to solve it.

I'm able to do a great job in addressing groups in public speeches, as a big part of my work is making presentations about technology innovation in my company's products. I feel totally comfortable with it and my lectures are usually very well evaluated.

However, in every other social situation I'm painfully shy. Some examples: pretty much never talked to a girl on a bar, avoid going to parties where most people are unknown to me, don't like gyms, almost invisible in office day-to-day (there are people who've been sitting next to me for months and they don't know my name), etc.

One of the most bizarre situations of my life took place when I was in a "Presentation Skills" training class: every student had to do a taped presentation introducing himself, and after mine I was tagged by the whole class as the most extrovert and bold person in the room. If they only knew...

I have just recently realized that I'm most likely to feel shy whenever there are many women in the place.

How can I feel comfortable in social situations the same way I do when speaking to big audiences?

How to find other shy people online and offline?

AuroraSky — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 09:18:08 -0800

I am shy and sometimes socially anxious person who has benefitted greatly from social activities run by a small support group where I live (Glasgow, Scotland). I found that site just by sheer good fortune after learning (a couple of years ago) to type the phrase "social anxiety" into Google. I would like to meet more people and have more of a social life and so have started a local Shyness group on Meetup.com. I would like my group and my site to appeal to those who see themselves as shy rather than socially anxious and to those who know they are shy but have never heard of social anxiety. Where would be good places online and offline to promote our group? Where are the local shy people to be found?

You scare me and I don't want to talk to you.

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 11:33:02 -0800

Is there a way to tell clients I want them to communicate with me through email instead of the phone that doesn't make me sound weird? I have extreme social anxiety issues but have managed to get a small web design business going from home. In the past I've worked at call center jobs that gave me enough practice to be able to talk on the phone when I have to, but it takes a lot out of me and causes a lot of stress. Typically I will spend all morning anxiously putting off making a phone call or dreading an incoming call and it really disrupts my work because it gets my mind racing for hours. My life would be much calmer and I would get a lot more done if my clients would just talk with me through email. This isn't a long term solution, but for now, is there some way I can ask them to use email other than "talking to you is terrifying, can we type instead?"?

Obviously, I want to work on my anxiety (I have tried medications with mixed results and am looking at getting back in to therapy), but this has been a life long issue for me so it won't go away soon. For now, can anyone help me with a professional sounding way to phrase my preference for email that doesn't make me seem odd?

How can a late-bloomer sow oats without getting stuck?

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 13:41:23 -0800

Late-bloomer-filter: I was a painfully shy, geeky, withdrawn guy with almost no friends and no social life. Over the past few years (I'm 28 now), I went to therapy, got a new job, moved from my sleepy suburban town to New York, got tons of people-practice, made new friends... and then this year, it all suddenly and magically clicked. It's unreal, but instead of nights alone with my laptop, I'm out almost constantly with tons of friends, hanging out, going on dates, drinking, dancing, and generally having more fun than I ever believed was possible for me. But I need your advice before I create a monster. I've wanted this for so long that about all I seem to care about at now is hanging out, drinking, dancing, dating, and partying. But the implications of most of my friends being in their early 20s isn't lost on me. At 28, most people are moving on toward a more adult phase of life and I'm regressing and loving it. Has anyone else had this experience? Will I get over this phase, or do I need to worry about getting stuck as a perpetual adolescent? And finally, how I can make the most of this awesomely fun and unexpected development? Thanks.

How can I stop being passive?

mintchip — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 22:29:59 -0800

How can I stop being passive? I've gotten feedback from people that I am very passive.

This honestly doesn't bother me; I basically like how I am. For whatever reason, things that bother other people don't seem to bother me. In fact, I don't even notice how it comes across to others that I'm passive. I've always been rather introverted and I avoid confrontation unless it's *really* necessary (I can confront someone if I'm really feeling wronged, but it takes a lot for me to feel the need).

There are few ways that I think my supposed passivity becomes a problem. First is that it may be what is holding me back in my career. People probably won't promote someone who they think is too passive. Second, it seems to bother other people because they read it as symptomatic of low self esteem. And finally, some people take advantage of people who they perceive as passive.

I say “supposed passivity” because in a way, I actually feel that may behavior shows inner confidence, and this inner confidence means that I don't feel the need to exert my will/stand up for myself as outwardly as others do. Unfortunately, I don't think many people get that about me. Americans are so "confidence happy" that I feel that I'll never get anywhere unless I become more confident. For example, I have had many people tell me that I am quite attractive, yet I don't seem to have much luck dating; only very few people who seem to "get me."

To boil it down: I don't know if being perceived as passive really is a problem or if I should just accept this as part of myself since I feel comfortable this way. I guess the real problem for me is that other people see it as a problem. The second part of the question is that if I do decide to work on it, how do I do it? I can try to examine my own behavior more closely, but this just makes me feel terribly self conscious—not a feeling that is likely to make me act more assertive or outwardly confident.

Photographic Sniper

trinarian — Sun, 13 Aug 2006 03:53:37 -0800

How do I overcome camera shyness as a foreign photographer? Much I live and work in China... which means two things as a foreigner. The first is that I stick out so much that people stare at me. In conjuction with that, these staring people are the most populous people on the planet. There are few places I can snap a photo and not be stared at. I'm OK walking the streets, buying food, and whatnot being stared at, it's just the way China is... but not not while trying to produce art.

Today I went to an old antique market to do a photoshoot and I couldn't do it... I left after about 20 shots. Everytime I took out my camera I felt like a sniper - shoot quick, hide camera, look normal. Even good shots were blury because I was jerking the camera back into the bag or to the side during the exposure.

Because of the crowdedness, urban landscape is next to impossible [or is it? suggestions?] which is what I'm used to shooting, so I've decided on focusing on the people in the streets, particularly the colorful street vendors.

I guess at core I feel like I'm an unwelcome intrustion, that they think I'm degrading them somehow. I don't have enough language down to schmooze or converse at any level to make them comfortable with my pressense.

Open to any suggestions, ideas, and reading [online, not books for obvious reasons]...