Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Sex

Should women expect men to cheat on them?

starpoint — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:01:32 -0800

I'm 27 and single. I've never had a serious boyfriend. Just throwing that out there. My brother is 24. Our 1st cousins are visiting for Christmas. One of them is male and 19, the other is female and 16. Tonight we somehow got into a huge discussion about relationships. Basically my brother and cousin (the 19-year-old) were making the following points: 1. Guys NEED to have sex with multiple women (my brother equated it with the desire to pee).

2. Just because a guy has sex with other women outside a relationship or marriage, it doesn't mean he loves his girlfriend (or wife) any less.

3. Men are living against their biological nature in Western Society. The natural order is for men to sleep with as many women as possible to spread his seed, not to stick with just one woman his whole life.

4. Continuing with Point #3, in many non-Western societies, men have multiple wives and those women don't have a problem with it; and are happy living in a harem where they are taken care of. Western women have been programmed to believe that a man will only stay with them.

5. The natural order of women is that women don't care if men sleep with other women. If they do care, then it's because the women have been programmed to think so.

6. Men are made better when they have multiple partners. E.g., they have to stay "oiled" or they become less desirable in general.

7. EVERY man will cheat on his wife or girlfriend at some point. Or if he doesn't, he will want to.

8. It's NOT OK for a woman to sleep with another man because biologically her husband or boyfriend sees her as his property and doesn't want to lose an opportunity to spread his seed (even if he has 30 other women).

9. The emotional connection women have toward men during a relationship (and men toward women) is just a temporary infatuation thing and is designed for men to stick around long enough to protect the woman while she's pregnant. Then the man is free to move on to someone else because a pregnant woman can't give him the sex he needs.

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Of these points I do agree with the biological aspects -- women are choosier because they can only produce so many offspring; and so men need to be ready at all times so that there are "seeds" around when a woman is ready to have a baby. Nothing new there.

Otherwise I'm not sure how much I agree with many of these points.

What bothered me is the sheer arrogance of the way in which my brother and cousin presented their arguments -- as though everything men want is rational and biological, and what women want is "temporary" or the result of "programming." It's fine for a man to sleep around but not for a woman to do the same? My cousin also said that I will never meet a man that will not cheat on me. Gee, thanks. I pointed out some friends of mine who are happily married, and they just brushed those away saying that those guys are either nerdy "Beta-men" or that they could be cheating, too.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world. Maybe this is a reality check. There is some element of truth in what they said, but it bothers me nonetheless. I am hoping to meet a guy who is the ying to my yang and we support each other and are faithful to one another. I would not want him to sleep with other women, and I wouldn't sleep with other men. Of course we may find other people attractive, but is it so much to ask for a lifetime commitment to one person? Should I expect him to cheat behind my back? Is that just "the way it is"? My brother, cousins and I couldn't reach a compromise except, "ask nothing, tell nothing."

My brother said he's talked to many men -- professors, pilots, business men, etc., who have all supposedly cheated on their wives. I'm not trying to portray my brother and cousin as bad people. They're not bad people, but they are both a bit arrogant. But at least they're honest (with me, anyway).

I couldn't think of any good counter-arguments during our discussion. I enjoy debate but I'm not good at it when it's sudden and I haven't had a chance to prepare. I understand that my brother is a guy and he has needs, but what about women's needs? Why are women's needs less important? I don't want to be wife #19. Is that so much to ask? Is it unrealistic? When I pursue relationships, should I expect the guy to cheat? Should I bring it up with him before we even start to go steady? What are ways a guy can handle his desire to be with multiple women in a long-term relationship?

Hacking away the forest

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:14:01 -0800

ICan'tBelieveI'mAskingThisFilter: How does your grooming, er, down there affect sex? [Possibly NSFW] Female and rather inexperienced sexually for my (young/old) age.

I like the feeling of my bits shaved, but it itches like the nine hells if I don't put in a large amount of effort maintaining it (because hair on any part of my body grows like a weed). So usually, I just trim it down and call it a day. If I don't expect sexytimes for a while, sometimes I don't even bother with that. However, the difference between 'au natural' vs. 'trimmed down' has been noted by others (nicely, just as a mention), favouring the latter. I felt a little embarrassed and now put in more effort to trim things up.

This got me wondering: does most women trim, shave, some combination of the two? Wax/epilate (the thought makes me cringe, although I do own an epilator)? Don't give a damn? And while I'm guessing that men probably don't do as much in terms of keeping their junk beautifully bare, they probably do something too, right?

So...male or female: what do you do? Do your partners tend to favour the more bare side of the spectrum, or is it a very individual basis? Does regular grooming affect the actual sex at all?

(FWIW, in a very conservative area where 'sex' is spoken of in euphemisms and weird hand gestures, so it's not like I can outright ask this of someone.)

Teaching an old dog new tricks...that I learned from another dog.

blackcatcuriouser — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:50:20 -0800

How can I teach my ex what I've learned while we were apart? My ex-boyfriend and I are in talks about getting back together. We've been broken up for a little less than a year, in what was a mutual, amicable breakup. We haven't discussed our sexual involvements with other people during the separation period (feel it's unnecessary, as long as we're both still clean - which we are.) We both know we got physical with other people while we were broken up (for various reasons that aren't important to the question) but haven't talked details, which I think we both prefer.

I had a brief fling with a guy over the summer. It was exciting while it lasted and the sex was unbelievable. He dropped some moves on me that I'd never ever seen and my body did things I didn't know it could do. (I'll spare you the salacious details but rest assured...it was good.) We would also use dirty talk in our pre-coital flirtations and it was a major turn-on. This is something I'd never done in the many years of dating my ex and is something my ex has said he's uncomfortable doing.

Summer fling guy is way out of the picture now, as it was a totally casual thing with no emotional involvement. I'm not interested in seeing him again, nor will I. I would like to work on getting back together with my ex, whom I love. Sex with the ex has always been good, but I'm worried that now that I've discovered some new, almost life-changing things that excite me, I won't feel entirely satisfied by him.

I want to reach the same sexual high with him that I did with Summerfling. I realize this probably requires a "Hey, why don't we try this?" or a "I'd love it if you did thisthing." I'd like to suggest some new things for us to do, or rather, new things for him to do to more efficiently get me off, without him feeling like I was comparing him to people I'd slept with while we were broken up. Admittedly, that's probably where my mind would go too if he started suggesting all these new things he was never into before. Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

So how do I broach this topic with him if and when we get back together? Is it something I can gently ease him into during sex? Should it be a separate conversation?

help me get some safely

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:50:11 -0800

CasualSex-filter: I am a straight woman. I'm not into the bar/club scene whatsoever. I've never had casual sex, and want to change this. Tips for doing this as safely as possible? This would be completely no-strings. I don't want to do this with anyone I already know nor with their friends. I cannot host, but can travel. And since this would be my first time with casual sex, even if the guy is very attractive and seems safe, I'm not 100% sure I would go through with it.

I'm considering posting/answering on craigslist or something. I have a few questions but the most important is... tips for doing this as safely as possible?

Any other tips for "best results" (for lack of a better term)? Am I better off going with one of the regular w4m or m4w boards or casual encounters? Better for me to post or to reply to a post? Any codes I need to know? I would prefer not to help someone cheat on their wife/girlfriend, but realize there's no way I can be sure whether or not the guy is actually single... but tips for filtering? Better ways to do this other than craiglist? Anything else I should know? I'm in the Vancouver, BC, Canada area if it makes a difference.

throwaway email: getlaidsafely@gmail.com

Thanks!

help me (female) ejaculate

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:28:01 -0800

female ejaculation filter: I'm so doing it wrong! So I've never actually done the ejaculation thing, despite often feeling like I was about to. This brings me here with two questions. Last night while masturbating I was very, very on the verge of gushing when at the last minute I just closed it off. This was mostly out of fear of ruining my down duvet, but also that knee-jerk OH NOES THIS FEELS LIKE PEEING reaction kicked in. However this particular time I definitely closed the floodgates after they'd already been flung open, and I think I hurt myself. I didn't actually gush any fluid, but immediately after I orgasmed I felt excruciating pain shoot up my vagina and just stay there for about 30 minutes. Sharp pain in my whole bladder/lower abdomen area that was so bad I thought I was going to throw up. I finally drank enough water to be able to pee, which operated as normal, and that made the sharp pain subside. I am still, 24 hours later, left with a dull pain in that area (more like in my back, I guess kidneys?) especially when I first sit down.

What the heck did I DO? I've been reading almost everything I can about squirting and the whole physiological shabang, but can't connect anything that pertains to my situation. I am sure I had an empty bladder before I started, so it probably wasn't actually urine. My best guess is that all the fluid backed up in my urethral tube and suckerpunched my bladder, hard. Has anyone had a similar experience, or just a better understanding of this whole business?

If I still have dull pain tomorrow, I'm thinking about going to the doctor -- is there anything they can do for me at the immediate care? To clarify, I'm sure I don't have a uti, am not pregnant, and have never had any other complications down there (and I know you're not my doc).

Aside from my immediate "wtf vagina pain?", I'm looking for tips on how to get past the physical inhibition I have about squirting and if in fact that's what my body is trying to do... See, I feel this unbearable pressure whenever I'm having a blended (vaginal + clitoral) orgasm that really feels like I have to urinate coupled with the usual oh-my-god-top-of-the-roller-coaster-weee feeling. I just don't know how to get over that last loop, so I just kind of float on that tingly feeling and think "wow that was a good orgasm" but sometimes with the lingering thought of "but could it have been BETTER??" I know, intellectually, that if I ejaculate it is NOT pee, but in the heat of the moment, it being that same exact sensation makes it hard to just let go! I WANT to experience this exquisite, mysterious reaction of the female body, so how can I just let myself? Tips for myself or boyfriend welcome!

From 0 to multiple orgasms in 60 days

jdfan — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 07:20:45 -0800

I've met a delightful young woman who floats my boat in many, many ways. Through a variety of circumstances, she has almost no experience at sex. She is a quick and avid learner. Please help me find resources for practical virgins who don't know much about their sexuality that want to figure out what works for them. Lean towards fun, open, smart. I want our discovery process to be a delightful, fun, awesome experience for her. Books, websites, video suggestions?

Hmmm, this embiggening spam is starting to look reasonable...

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:09:02 -0800

Young male living alone--no insurance, very little discretionary income, getting married soon, and I have difficulty maintaining an erection for more than 3-4 minutes. Anything I can do? As indicated, I am a mid-twenties male who recently moved out on my own in SC. I currently have no insurance. I am living paycheck to paycheck for the next few months/year, between wedding costs and minimal furniture for the new place plus bills. I am healthy per my last doctor's visit a few years ago.

I am unable to maintain an erection for more than 3-5 minutes. It does not appear to be psychological; we have had a 5+ year relationship and I am very relaxed around/attracted to her. We make do, but ultimately I lose my erection while happily engaged in otherwise satisfying sex, 3-5 minutes from when I achieve it. I still feel the urge but the erection is gone.

Given my situation--no insurance, little money for the foreseeable future--is there anything I can do? Or am I basically stuck (until I can afford insurance and an apparently not-cheap-at-all prescription, presumably years hence?)

What's the best way to have sex with a tall dude with a big penis who was a virgin up til last week? Please do not answer "vigorously".

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 16:29:32 -0800

NSFW-Filter: My new lover's penis is rather large and we have a not insignificant height difference. Also, he was a virgin up until last week. Please advise. So I am dating this guy who was a virgin when I met him, so he had no idea that he has a pretty big penis. I'm pretty tight-- it's been ages since I've had intercourse (my most recent relationship was with a lady), and sex hasn't been painful with him, but it is a bit uncomfortable, and so far we've had to go very slow in order to keep him from hurting me.

In the past I've had pain in the back of my vaginal opening (similar to what's described in this question, but less severe, and the combination of using a vibrator before sex and using angles that put less friction on that area helped.

I need advice on positions that would help deal with the combination of the height difference (he is a lot taller than me) and the penis size. (Do those pillows in the triangular prism shape-- or other pillows-- used to prop people up help?) We're already using lube (though if you have any particularly awesome brand suggestions, I am always open to new ideas).

General advice on breaking in virgins (without any actual breaking) would also be nice! I am a pretty good teacher about everything but intercourse itself.

Thanks in advance!

When do you get in touch with a friend you recently hooked up with for more?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:59:27 -0800

What's the protocol on calling and/or texting for a booty call with a friend you've recently hooked up with? After a brief but intense period of sexual tension/flirting, a lady friend of mine and I decided to just go for it. We enjoyed ourselves, she stayed the night (including a 5am repeat performance), and the next morning was only slightly awkward. We both agreed it was a physical thing, but we wouldn't let our friends know. We discussed the possibility of future hookups, and she even texted me the next day to joke about setting up "illicit trysts."

So here's the thing: it's been almost a week, and neither of us have called or texted the other since the day after. Considering we only talk once a week anyway, and we never really flirted except in person, I'm inclined to think that's not unusual. But I'm also not sure if I'm making it look as if I'm not interested in another night of fun. I know there's various "rules" for waiting after a first date or a number at a bar, but do those apply to someone you've known for a over a year? Do I wait until we see each other again (around friends, so on the DL) this weekend to set something up, or should I make with the the sexting--in the parlance of our times--already?

Is it wrong to masturbate to one's exes when in a relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 08:30:45 -0800

Autoeroticafilter: Are certain self-pleasuring activities not OK? I have pictures and video of a sexual nature of a couple of my exes. While I would never show them to anyone else and am careful to make sure they remain confidential, I don't plan on getting rid of them.

Since I still find my exes very physically attractive, and I'm not very turned on by most pornography I can find, I tend to make use of these materials for personal satisfaction. I don't think there's anything wrong with this.

What I am wondering about, is whether it is wrong to do this when I'm in a monogamous relationship. I've never had problems being faithful, and I would never date anyone who expected me not to masturbate, or who had a problem with me looking at pornography, but I'm not sure this is the same.

If it makes any difference, one of the exes I don't expect to ever be in contact with again and have no desire to reunite with. Another, I am good friends with and could imagine getting back together if the timing and geography were right, but we're currently platonic and respect those boundaries.

I don't feel that looking at this material changes my feelings towards these people; it just gets me off. But, I could see where if my SO knew, it might be upsetting. Since starting a committed relationship, I haven't been looking at these things because of my uncertainty. I have two basic questions:

Is using these materials for self satisfaction wrong when I'm in a relationship?

Should I talk to my SO about this? I'm not sure I really want to ask permission, since I don't think anyone has a right to tell you how to masturbate, but I really prefer to be open and honest about things. However, I wonder if this is one of those situations where it's better to just keep it to myself.

oh yea, oh yea, oh, OW?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:59:50 -0800

Yet another pain-during-intercourse question for girls. With my last 2 partners (neither which are the biggest I've ever been with) I've experienced pain during sex. It's caused by the penis rubbing the 'taint' right where the 'back' entrance to the vagina is, usually happens after a few minutes, depending on position and wetness. It is much worse for from-behind positions, because of the constant rubbing, and even when I am really wet it starts hurting after a while because of the friction and the pressure on that part. I'm thinking it's more pressure than friction, because water doesn't sting, so it doesn't feel like it was rubbed into a rash, but feels more like a bruise, in a way.

After having sex twice in one day, it usually hurts even when I barely touch it (as in the shower), and I need about 2 days before I can have pain-free sex again.

This is annoying, because I like sex and would love to do it if not twice a day, then at least once a day without any pain to follow, and sadly, with this problem, any sex lasting more than 15 minutes is impossible. I never had this problem with the guy I was with before (who was slightly bigger than the current guy), we were doing it 3x/day and there was no pain. The only difference is that this is 2 years later (I'm 25). Aside from this problem, everything feels good and the way it should, I have enough natural lubrication, no STDs.

The reason I'm not going to the gyno for this is because what's she gonna tell me - try positions that don't hurt (missionary only? no thanks!), more lube (I'm OK there), and don't have sex too often (blah)?

Has anyone experienced this and figured out a good solution?

throwawaymetafilter@gmail.com

How do I cope with jealousy of other peoples' intimacy?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:02:45 -0800

I am a straight 29-year old male who has never been in a relationship or had any sexual experience. When I find out that other people I know are entering into relationships or getting frisky, I get slammed by a whole cluster of negative emotions, and I need help coping. These negative feelings include pain, like I got the wind knocked out of me and my chest is collapsing, extreme jealousy, anger, misogynistic thoughts like "all women are bitches because they'll hook up with that kind of guy but not me," and thoughts that I maybe my life isn't worth living anymore. (To be clear, I have zero desire to act on that thought, and I find it terrifying when it comes up. If I ever started planning ways to commit suicide, I would immediately seek in-person professional help.)

As I've gotten older and still been without any intimate relationships, these feelings have gotten worse. I used to only experience this when a girl I had a crush on would choose someone else, but it's getting to the point where finding out that anyone I know is sexually involved with someone or is in a relationship with another person can bring up these feelings.

I'm not asking for strategies to find a girlfriend or get laid, and so I'm leaving out the background of why my dating history has been non-existent. What I really need are some ways to keep these feelings from overwhelming me and to deal with the fact that other people get into relationships and have sex.

Jesus wants you to have good sex.

fuzzbean — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 01:28:17 -0800

I'm looking for some Christ-centered sex-positive how-to books. For a friend. No, really. I have a very Christian friend who will be getting married soon. I'd like to give her some sex-positive material for her wedding shower, but I'd also like to be respectful of her beliefs.

Are there any good Christian sex-positive books out there? The Guide to Getting It On is definitely on my shopping list, but I'm a little worried it'll be too much of a muchness for her and just get chucked in the back of the closet. Any recommendations?

I'm in Seattle and can make a trip out to Babeland before the shower. We also have a variety of large independent and not-so-independent bookstores out here. U-District, Cap. Hill, or downtown are all accessible, but I probably don't have time to order online.

Getting over a dread of sex?

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:06:24 -0800

I am late in the dating game, and sex still doesn't interest me. Want to get past this. Suggestions? I am a early-30s healthy, sociable woman but sex doesn't interest me. It never has. I find the whole concept of mixing bodily fluids with another person completely off-putting. Am a virgin, obviously :) But I have dated and done the cuddle stuff. I dislike kissing but have put up with it.

I do not think all hope is lost. I tend to go for shy/nerd types, and my lack of experience relative to my age has not been an issue with them as many of them tend to be in the same boat. But it does get to the point sometimes where things should progress and the guy senses my reluctance, so this has perhaps cost me a few relationships.

I have many male friends who are 'buddies' so the problem is not an inability to deal with men. It's just that I don't like all the touchy stuff. I spend the whole date worrying he'll try to kiss me and that my breath/his breath will smell. And I have never even broached the subject of actual sex with anyone yet. I think they sense my reluctance on this front and have spared me the conversation.

I have heard several theories as to what the problem might be, ranging from:

- Daddy Issues stemming from parents divorce and lukewarm relationship with father
- Body issues from allergy-prone system which is prone to rashes and makes me sensitive to and about how my skin feels and looks
- Some sort of sex blockage due to post-traumatic stress from my transsexual sibling's sex change when I was a teenager
- Fear of commitment due to a deep-seated divorce phobia resulting from the breakdown of my parent's marriage

I have been to therapy and dealt with many of these issues. The last therapist I saw, who was excellent, suggested that I simply haven't met the right person yet and that if I did, my latent instincts would kick in. I hope this is true but worry it might not be.

Is there anything I can do to explore some of these feelings a little, perhaps break down the sex issue in my head a little so it isn't so daunting? Any suggestions for ways a person my age might broach the subject with a potential partner or to indicate to a potential person of interest tat they might need some patience with me without scaring them off? If you were a guy and you were, outside of this problem, interested in pursuing a relationship with me, what would be the best approach for me to take in having this conversation with you?

Oral sex and jaw pain.

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 19:46:11 -0800

How on earth can I give a blowjob to completion without my jaw recoiling in pain? Over the years I've come in contact with a variety of penises of all shapes and sizes that I love to suck. I really really like giving head, and I've been told that I'm pretty good at it. But I cannot, for the life of me, go longer than five minutes or so, so I never get the chance to finish my men off that way, and I would like to be able to every once in a while.

Yes, I take breaks where I continue to use my hand(s) and I'll do some licking or other non-jaw-oriented moves. But if my jaw was hurting before I took a break, as soon as I continue with the mouth in-and-out the pain immediately returns, so breaks don't really help much.

I know the first thing you want to scream is "TMJ!", but I have never had any other symptoms and I really don't think that's the problem.

I also have given head from pretty much every imaginable angle, and none are better than any other.

Lastly, please don't say "oh he's just happy that he's got someone down there to begin with, don't worry about it" or "finish him off with your hand, he'll just be happy to orgasm", etc, etc. I just really want to do this for my own satisfaction.

So, I'm looking for possible exercises, stretches, or techniques that you have used to overcome this problem, or any other suggestions you may have.

Thanks!

Why does my nose run when I perform oral sex on a man?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 15:31:05 -0800

Why does my nose run when I perform oral sex on a man? (NSFW details inside) I'm a woman who really enjoys giving head to a man, but I've often found that I will get the sniffles if the session is prolonged, especially in the morning. I'm not usually a sniffly person and this doesn't seem to be associated with a cold or allergies. It's somewhat more likely if this a morning session, although it can happen any time during the day. It's a little annoying, but amusing, too, and we both giggle when I have to both wipe my face and blow my nose afterwards.

Am I a little congested and unaware of it until my breathing is constricted by a full mouth? If his cock is hitting various points in my mouth and throat, is it sometimes triggering an associated nerve that makes my nose run? Any other ideas?

Where's a good place to have sex in Chicago?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 21:07:22 -0800

Does anybody know a decent place for a night of sex in the Chicagoland area? (NSFW) My wife and I are looking for a place (not too expensive) for a night of sex. We looked at the Sybaris and it's a possibility but it is kind of pricey. We want a place that isn't too pricey, (relatively) soundproof and clean.
Any ideas or recommendations?

Help us have sex again

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:40:33 -0800

My luverly wife and I had a baby a few months ago. He's a great little feller. We're now ready, physically, to have sex again but... (possibly NSFW) We haven't had sex in a long time, we pretty much stopped as soon as we found out we were pregnant. Our married sex life has always been quite unhealthy (unlike pre-marriage, which was great - WUWT?) but we love each other and all that and it's not threatening the relationship or anything.

But now we're ready to start again. Except I don't know where to start. Or how to start. My wife is beautiful and wonderful and she can certainly arouse me but the idea of going back to the awkward sex we were having for the year or two preceding the baby isn't exactly appealing.

I want us to do it right this time around and try to either get back to where we were pre-marriage or go somewhere different (if those carefree teenage-like mega-session-rompings aren't capable of being repeated).

Over-disclosure necessary as this is being posted anonymously: I'm game for anything, she's very sensitive and doesn't like much foreplay other than digital stimulation. I would love to get beyond her body issues (she won't let me do oral and any kind of general touching is, apparently, just tickling as far as she's concerned) but I don't know if that's possible. She likes sex, but something went wrong somewhere along the line (probably my fault, directly or indirectly) and I'd like to fix it. Naturally, suggesting that something is wrong and needs to be fixed would probably upset her quite a bit.

Please help. I'd really appreciate it if you could give specific advice (as opposed to "rekindle the romance" or "show her that you care and it's not all about sex".) Especially bearing in mind that we have a wee baby in the house so romantic getaways and things like that are a bit hard. Personal experience would be greatly valued and if you don't want to share here, feel free to write to me at readytohavesexafterbaby@gmail.com

Thanks, in advance.

Should I or not with a friend?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:11:50 -0800

Is it stupid for me to hook up with this woman in a "friends with benefits" kinda way? (SFW after the fold for a change, and no, it's not the usual "don't want to mess up the friendship" bit) I have a friend who's a girl, I'm a guy. She and I have been friends for a few months, and there are really no thoughts about it being anything more than friends as we're not compatible long term and both realize that (and that's not something that will change ever).

But I am attracted to her physically, if not romantically, and so the "friends with benefits" thing came up, and she was agreeable much to my excitement. Currently we are planning to get together this weekend to hang out and, ideally, hook up for the first time.

But one thing she has said recently is sticking in my craw a bit. She mentioned that she wasn't attracted to me physically, that I'm not her "type". She's still amenable to sleeping with me, this was just a dropped comment and I was too stunned by her saying it to really follow up on it much, and the conversation moved on from there.

But now I'm wondering...am I showing a lack of self-respect by hooking up with someone who I know isn't into me? Or since we're both going to be getting what we want out of this arrangement (that being sex) should I just not worry about this detail, after all it's not like this will become anything more.

(and for reference, initially I was indignant about it and cut off all contact for a couple weeks, but I do really like her as a friend and would like to sleep with her, so those parts have caused the friendship to be resumed (she never noticed the break in contact, chalked it up to busy-ness) and plans to be made)

Hot, dangerous… rock music?

nuala — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:03:45 -0800

Help me make a raunchy rock playlist! My best friend is looking for a playlist populated by dark, sexy rock music. Something that brings to mind tearing off clothes and messy passion. My recommendations (R&B based) were rejected so I'm turning to you. She wants something along the lines of NIN's Closer or Kings of Leon's I Want You. Help? I'm boggled by my own library.

How to help a long-term loner happy with a lady?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:53:37 -0800

How can I make my new partner come?? NSFW details follow. Okay, I'm blushing but here it goes: He (male) and I (female) are late 20s / early 30s. We hooked up maybe a month ago -- hooray!! Neither of us have too much experience (2-3 past partners each). The sex is truly terrific. I do my thing once (or several) times; but he cannot orgasm except by masturbating. It's hard to say this is a "problem" for me, but I want to make him come!! Or at least help. I've tried lending a hand (ha) as well as oral, but I just can't do it myself.

I've read several previous posts on delayed or retarded ejaculation / orgasm for men, BUT they were posted by men. As the woman involved (who desperately wants to reciprocate the pleasure), what advice do you have for me? How can I make him more comfortable and secure with me (in case it's a mind thing) or how can I totally rock his world (in case it's a physical thing)?

If posting here makes you blush, too: anonsextips at gmail dot com.

Nice shoes, I'm married, she's fine with it, wanna do it?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 05:58:20 -0800

How can I indicate to potential female partners that I am interested in casual sex with them, and that my wife approves? I'm male; mid-twenties; coastal metropolitan US. My wife and I are, for lack of a better word, swingers. As a couple, we've had plenty of luck picking up playmates for group play from craigslist and at swinger's clubs. My wife has gone on individual dates with fellows. I've not been so lucky.

The problem I'm having is how to indicate interest in a woman, IRL, while also indicating that I'm married (and so not available for a conventional LTR) but that my wife's all for it (and so it isn't an "affair"). I wear a wedding ring, so one would think it's pretty obvious that I'm married. But I don't want to drive away potential partners who might be into casual sex if they knew nobody's getting hurt, but who wouldn't contribute to infidelity. And I also think it's unfair to take somebody out on a "traditional" date only to spring on them, "Yeah, so, I'm happily married, so the best you can hope for is friends with benefits."

I'm not really talking about one-night stands with barflies--I'm not usually interested. Rather, I'm talking about the sort of girls that I'd happily hang out with even if we weren't doing it. Friends with benefits really would be the optimal situation. But, I've found that trying to develop existing friendships into, uh, "beneficial" ones doesn't really work very well. So let's assume it's the curvy goth girl behind the reference desk.

Throwaway contact account: "swinging_mefite_1776@hush.com".

Loss of libido with Levlen/Levora?

roxie110 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:32:13 -0800

Has anyone taking the birth control pill Levora/Levlen had a loss of libido? I've been taking this pill for a year now, and (along with some weight gain that kicked in about 6 months later, yuck) I've noticed a pretty steep drop in my libido.

This is the first time I've ever been on the pill, and I'm trying to figure out whether this may be related to the pill itself, or whether I'm just not that attracted to my boyfriend anymore (it's been 6 years)!

Any info or advice would be welcome.

Stop worrying and love the boy

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:06:34 -0800

A medical issue has caused memories of rape to resurface and ruin my sex life. I have no money for therapy. Do I have any options other than being a mess and making both me and boyfriend totally miserable? About seven years ago, when I was a teen, I was drugged by a seemingly friendly guy and his companions, stuffed into the back of a car, and gang raped all night in a strange apartment. In the morning, they drove me to the edge of town and left me, bleeding and half-dressed. Somehow I wound up at a hospital, was treated for internal uterine lacerations and other complications, and sent on my merry way.

I've had years of therapy to mitigate the obvious ramifications. Some catharsis was reached when the men were apprehended and accordingly sentenced. It took a very, very long time to trust men again, but now I'm in a healthy relationship with the best guy in the world for the past 8 months. He knows my past and has been unflaggingly supportive. Our sex life is (was?) really great, though a little spotty during times when I'd fall in a funk. A month or two ago I had some medical complications arising from old tears and scar tissue in my uterus, which caused heavy bleeding, cramping, loss of soft tissue, extreme fatigue, anemia etc. I've been in and out of the hospital for weeks, and my boyfriend and I couldn't have sex until I was cleared by my OB/GYN. Meanwhile, my subconscious has re-forged a connection between sex and pain/rape that leaves me mortified of any remotely sexual activity.

Today I was cleared, but I'm terrified of having sex. Rationally I know I'm fine, and that consensual sex is good and fun, but even non-intercourse things leave me terrified. I have vivid nightmares of the rape all over again, something I haven't gone through since the first three years after I was attacked.

I have no money for therapy. All my money has gone to paying, out of pocket, my medical bills. I've tried some of the free and sliding scale therapists in NYC, but they were all bad fits or generally unhelpful. The only therapists that have worked for me in the past have been highly skilled, very expensive professionals who are experienced with victims of extreme sexual trauma. The hospital case worker was so overworked that she had my file switched with another patient's file and didn't realize her mistake until 45 minutes into a 50-minute session.

I don't want to lose this guy (who has a naturally high sex drive and has been swallowing his frustration and putting on a kind, brave face for my part) and our sex life to these harrowing anxieties. I know it's not his fault, I know he didn't cause this pain, but the very idea of sex has me bound in knots. I feel so incredibly guilty, despite my boyfriend's seemingly endless patience and understanding.

Are there any books I can read that address anxieties over sex among rape survivors? Any affordable therapy recommendations or other information can be directed to: anonymouseandbee@gmail.com

I'm at the end of my rope

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:00:55 -0800

Please shed some light on my extramarital issue. 1. I am into some stuff sexually, that a lot of people are not into. This includes my partner, who is squeamish. Nothing illegal, nonconsensual, or dangerous. In fact it's almost mainstream, well it is where I live.

2. I was not openly into this stuff when we got together.

3. I am getting really frustrated with my partner's unwillingness to experiment, although I know it's not my partner's fault that they are not into it...It is depressing to get shot down and frustrating. To ask that they do something with me that is not physically or emotionally taxing and feel like my partner is disgusted...

4. I'm really having trouble being sexually satisfied with my partner and the frustration at not having this is starting to seep into other aspects of our life together. Not because the sexual technique isn't there, or the attraction, I just feel empty inside while we're having sex, and rejected, and it sometimes leads to the sex completely stopping. Ughhh

5. I really don't want to be that person who pushes their partner until the activity is semi-consensual. I don't want my partner to feel blackmailed into this.

6. There is no one on the back burner or anyone that I am trying to have sex with so I'm not trying to use this as a justification for an affair with a particular person...if I went out and looked I'm sure I could find someone though, like I said because of where I live.

QUESTION: Should I go outside of my relationship? If I ask permission to do so, how would I frame it?

How do I deal with the disappointment if the answer is no?

I really don't want to end my relationship over sex...but I don't want to be someone who cheats and it's getting to the point where I want to just say fuck it and go do it safely with no strings attached, and just keep my mouth shut. I want to be an ethical person and do this in a decent way. Or am I deluding myself? Should I suck it up and deal? Is this where I should be an adult and get over myself? Do you think my partner will come around...? I am trying not to push.

I love my partner so much. Any insight, please share. I want to do the right thing.

Kids are not involved.

Thank you.