Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with SAD

How do I not feel like a failure?

biochemist — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:38:15 -0800

I failed high school -and- college. How can I not feel like such a failure/cheer myself up? In High School, I had problems with procrastination and completing work, which I attributed to living in an abusive household. I also had social anxiety, so all of my friends were online. I had zero real-life friends.

I ended up not passing. I took a year off before college and did the therapy/self-help thing, in hopes that I would get good grades and make friends in college.

I got accepted into numerous colleges because of my high GED/SAT scores, and I got over my SA. I felt like my life would finally turn around. I chose a college in a small, scenic area just outside of a big city, in hopes that would satisfy my love of nature as well as my love of big cities.

I get to college and attend all the social events, try to get people to hang out and what-not, but my social skills are still too subpar and I end up with just one friend. To top it off, Small College is -way- too small for me and I end up going stir crazy, yet can't afford to travel to Big City most of the time.

Work-wise, I put all my effort in and still get poor grades. I realize it's because my school goes for "understanding" and not "blind memorization." I start doing well, but then when exams roll around I run out of time on all but one. I feel like crap, the procrastination and etc problems set in again, and I start failing... again.

I go to the doctor to see what's up, because I thought those issues would go away once I was away from home. I'm diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds, but too late. I'm not allowed to come back in the spring, and my final grades will all be failing, or if I can get a medical leave (not likely) I'll have no records at all.

Which means that I am officially two years behind where I should be, which sucks because the only reason I took a year off was to ensure this -wouldn't- happen. The only good thing, I guess, is that I can use the spring to get a technical degree I'd had my eye on for years.

I feel like a failure. An utterly lonely failure. I haven't felt this bad since my four-year relationship broke up some years ago. I hate that I put so much effort into making friends and still failed, and that the work thing was just de ja vu.

There's no way I'd get accepted into another college, so I'm stuck going stir-crazy for another year while I make up my grades or moving back home with all the stresses there and going to the local community college.

How do I not feel so hopeless, lost, depressed, terrible, etc? I feel like I'm nothing. I'm in the exact same position I was in high school - the girl who is alone all the time, with no friends, who gets terrible grades.

I know I should see a therapist, but I've been to numerous therapists over my lifetime and only one has helped, so I'm not too keen on that right now.

Just a stirring in my soul?

bookgirl18 — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:59:55 -0800

I can't seem to get unstuck. Hi MeFites,

I'm stuck.

I'm two years out of college and I'm a pretty lucky gal. I've got a job in publishing, an apartment, friends, a boyfriend, support system. I know all this in my head... but I don't feel it.

Instead, what I *feel* is empty and unsatisfied. The job is kind of an entry-level soul suck (with a boss that's a little Devil Wears Prada-esque), the boyfriend is problematic (haha), and I'm feeling a bit depressed. The things I used to do to help enjoy life, including being involved in a Jewish community, book clubs, and my own writing, aren't really cutting it. In fact, I can't remember last time anything got me truly, unabashedly *happy*.

This is all coming to a head now because it's grad school application crunch time, and it's starting to occur to me that it would be great to be back in school, most likely for an English PhD. It would be *amazing* to be back in an academic context, really carving out a potential career for myself and developing as a writer and researcher.

Yet, when I try to do the productive things to get there, like craft a statement of my purpose or think of professors to recommend me, I freeze. The difficult process and dim career prospects of humanities phds are daunting, and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to cope with the future that I'd be signing myself up for (still potentially unemployed in ten years! not get a chance to choose where i live! not be able to afford a house! etc.)

I was thinking of delaying my applications until the next round, to have time to really talk to professors, put together a stellar application, and really research programs, but the thought of another full year like this seems absolutely unbearable to me. I look around and see my peers, none of whom took more than three years off before returning to some grad degree, traveling and achieving, and I feel like a failure in comparison (however irrational that may seem.) I definitely don't regret the time off until this point, but I don't feel like I'm making progress towards any kind of goal.
Furthermore, if I don't go for the PhD at all, I'm afraid I'll regret it forever.

I'm driving my friends and loved ones crazy with all this angst, which I honestly am working to improve. I know the economy is terrible and that most people are having a tough year. I'm applying for other jobs in the field, joined a gym, found a therapist (whom I like!), am volunteering with underprivileged kids and reading them stories (can't recommend that enough, by the by.) I know I am taking steps in the right direction. I'm even taking the GREs in a few days (and re-learning math! Ahh!).

Yet, I still wake up every day and feel like sobbing. This really isn't like me - I go through ups and downs, but on the whole, I've always been a hopeful person. Now, I feel like I'm going through life in a vague, unhappy fog, not really feeling anything intensely except sadness. In fact, a dear friend pulled me aside yesterday and told me she's never seen me so generally dejected, ever.

(It may be worth mentioning that all this intense sadness took off in June, when I got on the Pill. Not that it makes the other issues less important... but coincidence?)

If I wait another year to apply, have I squashed my chances? Maybe I'm just a self-absorbed, melodramatic whiner, which is how I feel sometimes? What would you do if you were me?

Thanks for the read, y'all.

Prescription to Move.

beautifulcheese — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:02:42 -0800

Canada Filter: I live on Vancouver Island, BC. We just had 180mm of rain in a day and a bit. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. The two do not mix. Where should I move? I also struggle with depression the rest of the year so there really seems to be no respite. Today my psychiatrist recommended that I should think about moving somewhere else for the long run. It is getting harder and harder to get through each fall/winter.

So where should I move? I need to stay in Canada simply because I love my country. I'd like it to be sunny but not too hot in the summer (nothing above 27-30C on average). I don't like the cold or snow but I suppose I could adapt. It just isn't something I have ever experienced and it frightens me.

It feels like I am in the mildest climate of Canada already and I prefer that. I just need sun added in. I would settle for less gray and not constant rain.

So suggestions? Favourite places? Experiences of places where you felt the weather lift your mood?

Just asking this question feels like self-indulgent wallowing

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:47:05 -0800

Why am I such a pathetic sad-sack these days, and how can I shape up before I drive all my friends away? I am miserable. I just got out of a three-year relationship about 3 months ago. I don't regret breaking up and I don't want to get back with him, it was all very amicable and blah blah blah, but I guess I now realize that being with him masked some pretty terrible emotional problems I have.

I met him when I was 18. I really hated myself then. I just knew no one would ever love me. I’m lucky to have met him, a genuinely nice guy, because I was just asking to be taken advantage of. And I thought that being with him had made me better, because I was very happy with him and I liked myself and all that. In fact, ironically, being with him made me strong enough to say goodbye when the time came- he made me confident enough to do that. I thought, leaving him will be ok, because I’m strong now and I’ll find someone else. But now I realize- I'm not fixed. Being with him just covered up my problems, and now I'm almost 22 and I'm still the same needy, pathetic wreck I was in high school.

My life. I had behavioral problems as a kid which meant that I never had close friends. Some school friends, but nothing meaningful. Finally got some good friends in high school, one best friend, but I didn’t appreciate them and I didn’t know how to be a friend to anyone. I was too scared to even pick up the phone and ask someone out for coffee because I KNEW that they didn’t really like me and would just go along, not enjoy my company, and then talk about me to everyone else. As you might guess, I never dated anyone in high school. I did go on two dates with a guy I met outside of school, but that was it.

College was wonderful, in that everyone really did seem to want to be friends, I joined clubs where I could contribute, etc. All good stuff. And I had a little success with guys. A date here, a makeout there. But somehow it was all sort of pathetic. I wanted a guy, no matter who, and so I spent some time with some major sleezeballs. Even though I had finally gotten guys to notice me I still didn’t think I was worth dating and I was still very sad about it, although my life was immeasurably better.

Then I meet my ex. He was and is a sweet, attractive and talented guy, and we hit it off immediately. Like talking for 6 hours the first night we met, and that was that. I became a different person with him. I liked myself. I had a ton of friends. I felt attractive and loved. We went out for 3 years, but age, distance and different life directions made us realize this summer that we were growing apart. Now we are friends (we did the no-contact-for-6-weeks thing).

Here’s the thing. When I was with him, by the end, I thought- there are ways in which we’re not good for each other. There is a guy out there for me who is a better fit, and I’ll find him. I just knew it- I would be ok. Being in such a better place than I was 3 years ago, I would go back out in the world a changed woman and everything will be so different from how it was before.

Well now I sit alone in my room wishing that I could get just one guy to glance in my direction, no matter how stupid and assholey he is.

And the REALLY stupid thing? I did! I slept with a very attractive guy after the breakup, and I was the one to tell HIM, sorry, this was a bad idea, it’s too soon for me. And there’s another guy I know who clearly likes me who I am not attracted to. Those guys liked me! And I know that just because all the guys I’m attracted to are taken, it doesn’t mean that that will continue to be true forever and I missed the boat on love. And I know full well that since my school is 60% girls and my major is 80% girls, the fact that I don’t have guys all over me doesn’t mean anything. I know I’m not actually some ugly unloveable hag. But I don’t BELIEVE it.

Here’s some other stuff I know but don’t believe:
-Hitting on guys doesn’t make me a pathetic skank, and guys don’t laugh about my efforts after I’m gone
-The fact that all my friends have boyfriends and I don’t doesn’t mean all my friends are more interesting and hotter than me
-I am someone worth knowing and someone who a person might actually want to have sex with
-My ex was not the only person who will ever love me
-If I am unattractive right now it’s because of my bad attitude, not because of who I am

I am well aware that I’m wallowing in misery. What’s worse is that my friends all know I’m feeling like this. I try to keep it under control but, last night I drunkenly spent an hour crying to my good friend about this stuff, and while she was very sympathetic I know I need to get it together. I need to stop being miserable or my high school fears will come true and no one will ever want to spend time with me. I am ‘that girl’ and I don’t want to be. Twice I have gotten drunk because I was sad. I have never let myself do that before. The other day I was cleaning my room and just burst into tears.

I want to be happy with or without a man. I want to be the person I was with my ex- the person who was funny and fun to be around and didn’t dwell on her lame cliché problems constantly. I want to be able to be alone and not have these shadows of self-loathing always waiting for the moment when I hear a sad song or see a happy couple. What the hell is wrong with me.

Effective treatments for SAD?

humblepigeon — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 01:05:46 -0800

Effective treatments for SAD that work for you? (Please let's avoid a general discussion/opinion exchange about SAD.) I live in the UK.

Who Will Sing Me to Sleep?

Holly — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:33:32 -0800

Aural Joy Filter: which songs, performed live and on YouTube, combine simplicity, beauty and quietness into a haunting, moving whole that will make you cry when the mood is right? There are such lists on Ask MeFi, but often without links.I'm thinking of things like this by Kate Rusby, which is just the most gorgeously sad thing.

Should I be happy when it comes to SAD lamps?

jhighmore — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:47:49 -0800

I know there have been some other questions on SAD lamps, but I'm more interested in whether they actually do make a difference. Anecdotal and empirical evidence are both sought after. Also, recommendations in the UK. I couldn't say for sure that I suffer from SAD, but I know for a fact that I feel bad when there's no sun. So I thought I might invest in a SAD lamp... but is it worth it? If you could recommend any that you have used to your advantage (UK only plz) it would be much appreciated.

Also, I've been tempted by ones that are a light/alarm clock combo. Would I really end up using this that much?

One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me...

cobain_angel — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:24:57 -0800

Help me go back to being a happy girl. Here it goes. This may get long, so please bear with me.

I'd always been a very bright and cheerful person who pretty much walked through the pains of life with a smile on my face. I was always convinced that anything I'd need from life I would get by means of working hard to get it. To me, nothing was impossible. This attitude about life took me through a stressful childhood (alcoholism, abuse), a move to a different country (the US), learning the new language (English!) in six months or so, and dealing with complicated situations at home (same situations as childhood). I was always eccentric (a good friend of mine referred to me once as "insane, but in a good way"), artistic, and willing to try all sorts of new things. Two years ago I met a wonderful young man and we embarked in what has truly been the best relationship I have ever had.
All of this changed last summer. I was preparing to go to a college I'd been wanting to go to for a while. I got accepted and so did my boyfriend. We were ecstatic and everything was ready. However, due to a completely unexpected problem with banking bureaucracy over in Mexico (my home country) I was left unable to attend the college I wanted. This shattered my confidence; for the first time, I was forced to face the fact that there were some things that I just was unable to change. I was able to pull myself together well enough to register for the city's community college in time, while my boyfriend would attend "our" college by himself three hours away. I was completely devastated, and felt betrayed by my boyfriend. Though he was sad, it was an exciting experience for him. I felt abandoned and needed him very much, but also understood that going to college was important and that he wasn't abandoning me. He was as supportive as he could and made sure that I always had an outlet to my frustrations. We talked every day, and tried to keep things as happy as we could without stifling any emotions.
As the months passed, I went from being the girl described above to being a lonely, sad person. I stopped trying out new things and enjoying the things I used to love before. I went from not having enough hours in the day to do what I wanted to spending afternoons sitting on my couch doing nothing at all. My muses for painting, drawing, writing and crafting went dead. Even though my boyfriend visited practically every week, I stopped being the affectionate, fiery girlfriend I used to be and barely even kissed or touched my boyfriend; our sex lives pretty much disappeared. I felt unable to take on any relatively big tasks, feeling that I wasn't in control of my life. The only thing that I was able to do well was keep my grades up.
Now the school year is over and my boyfriend is back from college. He found it disappointing and regrets it, no doubt in part because of me. Our relationship feels damaged. We don't fight, and we are still very loving and caring with each other. But he misses the girlfriend he left behind. I am very sad with the way I have become, but I have no idea of what to do to go back to being the same girl I used to be. What can I do?

Mites - An Itch That Can't Be Scratched...

curiositykilledthelemur — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:11:02 -0800

Mites - is moving only option? Will we take them with us? Neighbor cut down HUGE tree. Part of it falls on our window before being hauled off. We start noticing more bird poop on our window.

A week later, we start itching and noticing little grains of pepper bopping around in our apartment, crowding up on our plates and cups and computer screens. And a few white flying things, one that chose my glasses as a landing spot. And I'm sure there are tons of microscopic mites that we can't see now. Now our bodies are covered in welts. We do not see when they bite us. And we are freaking out.

Googling shows we either have bird mites or black pepper mites or at any rate, mites. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment and are not afraid to completely move if that's the option that makes the most sense, but it will take us until at least August 1 to make this happen and we need to know what to do about this NOW.

We do not want to spend more than $100 of our own money. Some places say Windex works, others say nothing works, other say really expensive stuff works....

We DO want to make sure that we don't take them with us. Are they REALLY like embedded in our skin and hair? How do we get them out permanently?

Will drycleaning and hot washing all of our clothes work? We have very expensive clothes and not too many spares to wrap up for a month in garbage bags.

We're going to throw away all of our furniture and bed and start fresh. It's the only way, right? Thank goodness we only have cheap furniture!

This is freaking us out. HELP!

She may be my best friend, but I'm not hers...

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 15:18:38 -0800

How can I deal with the fact that my best friend is not inviting me to her wedding? I have known my best friend for more than a decade. We went to the same high school and then became very good friends in College.

We have been very tight for the last 10 years. We have many of the same friends and the same interests. She has vacationed with my parents, siblings and I (with no other friends present). She has an open invitation at both my house in my current city as well as at the home of parents and family members. To be blunt, her family-life has been less than stellar (with histories of borderline mental illness and alcohol abuse on both sides) so I have always made an effort to treat her like a sister. We have also been on numerous trips together - the latest one to the Middle East in February which we had talked about doing ever since we became friendly and for which we had finally saved up enough money for.

We communicate daily – either in frequent emails through the day or in phone calls.

While my love-life has been less than super active (coupled with the fact that I am an extremely private person when it comes to matters of the heart), I have always been a main confidante of hers when it came to her relationships. In university, I was the one who held back her hair as she threw up repeatedly after having a bad reaction to the morning-after-pill. I was the one she cried with when a particularly nasty boyfriend did anything particularly nasty. When Mr. X came into the picture two years ago, I was thrilled for her. She insisted on bringing him to me to get my approval. He was a delightful man – uncomplicated, down-to-earth but truly caring and a good match for her. When she asked if he could come with us on our much-planned trip to the Middle East, I agreed and we all had a wonderful time without any awkwardness. I would now qualify the three of us as being good friends.

I have teased her in the past about their getting married and the two of them openly talked about a future wedding while around me. Last summer, she asked me if I would consider being a bridesmaid at their wedding (they were not yet engaged at this time.) She indicated that the maid of honour role would likely go to her other friend, Ms. Y, who she grew up next to and who is her *oldest* friend. I was slightly disappointed with this, but understood and could live with her choice as long as I would be included in a different role.

Over the last six months, they continued to talk with increasing likelihood of their becoming engaged and moved forward with plans to purchase a house. She would email me houses they were looking at and ask for my opinion. We talked about the future and plans and I always teased Mr. X about when he was finally going to propose so that I could arrange to send them some champagne.

Then a month ago, I got a phone call from my friend which started off with: “time to go get the champagne – we just got engaged”. This phone call happened less than hour after he popped the question and followed only calls to both of their families.

I expressed my happiness to them both and offered my congratulations. When I asked whether they knew the approximate date they would be looking at getting married on, there was a pause which was followed by: “oh sometime in the fall. We’ve decided to do something really small with only about 10 people – just our immediate families, Mr. X’s friend and… of course… Ms. Y. She’s my best friend after all.”

I was hurt by this, of course, since I always considered my friend to be *my* best friend… when clearly I was not hers. I did not want to spoil her happy day by saying anything so continued offer my congratulations and left it at that.

The next week when I visited them (bringing the champagne), she was all abuzz with wedding details and spoke about them with me frequently about venues, religious ceremony discussions and locations for their tiny reception. She also made a point of repeating that I would not be there and how it would only be for their immediate families and their two “best friends”. I felt tears come to my eyes (something that never happens to me), excused myself to the washroom and, after composing myself, did not return our conversation to the topic of the wedding. Anytime she mentioned it afterwards, which she did, I would change the subject.

Meanwhile, Mr. X’s mother was very unhappy about such a small wedding – it which her large, extended family would not be included. I held out hope and was bombarded with dozens of emails from my friend about their discussions with her future mother-in-law and how unreasonable she was being.

Finally, I got a note from my friend saying they had reached a compromise where they would have a wedding with 50 people – all relatives, Mr. X’s best friend and Ms. Y. They were also planning to have a “pub night” with about 10 friends around the time of the wedding.

I decided that unless I said anything, she would not know how disappointed I was. So I asked whether it made any sense to not expand the guest list to 60 people – to include family members plus the people at the “pub night”, since the friends list was so short anyway and that they wouldn’t be much additional cost (since anyone with any class would leave behind a gift envelope to cover the cost). I got back a long, but formally-written diatribe (think: “Dear Anonymous, thank you for your email.”) about how this wasn’t about cost and that they were treating this wedding like Christmas or Thanksgiving – as a family only celebration. I was shocked – especially since she had celebrated Christmas AND Thanksgiving with my family in the past. She also went on to say that Ms. Y, as her best friend, was being included because she was a “friend of her family”.

She also went on to say that while they would love to have friends there “in a perfect world”, that if she included me or any other friend, they would have to open things up to other friends who they hardly ever see and their parents’ friends. As a final jab in the belly, she said “if we invite you, I have to invite my mother’s priest’s sister – and you know I can’t do that”. I took that to mean that our friendship had the equivalent value of her relationship with her mother’s priest’s sister. Lovely.

She has shared everything in her life with me, and I with her, and yet now she is withholding this most public of celebrations.

I have cried numerous times over this situation. Like it or not, she has been my best friend (even if it turns out I am not hers). I want her in my life. I want to be able to normal around her and know that she will treat me with the kindness I have always shown her and which she has always reciprocated. But I can’t.

She is now pretending as though nothing has happened and that, not only am I not hurt, even if I was, I have no reason to be hurt.

So, hivemind, other than boring you with the details of my life, what I am looking for is this:

1) confirmation that I have a right to be hurt by this and that I am not being selfish

2) advice on how to proceed with our relationship

3) advice on what to say to get her to appreciate how hurt I am

4) advice on whether I should send a gift when they get married (she continues to share details about the event so I know the date). I increasingly think that by doing so, my intention will not be to celebrate the occasion or to be generous, but rather will be out of spite to make her feel guilty

"Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely, I have nobody for my own..."

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:02:28 -0800

How can I make myself feel better when I'm feeling lonely and depressed? I feel lonely right now. Sometimes I feel like my friends don't really care about me. Looking at Facebook makes me sad. Everyone is busy and having fun, while I've been in my room for the past several days.

I've always had this problem in some way or another. I think I'm starting to become a bit depressed. I've been sleeping far more than I should be. Just forcing myself to go outside today was a chore. I'm trying to pay attention to getting fresh air, treating myself to hot showers, etc.

I think the root of the problem is that I feel as if my friends don't really want to be around me. I try to initiate things like going to see a movie or going shopping, but I usually get rebuffed. Even then, I don't ask that often. I don't want to seem pushy. If I don't get invited to things, I can't bring myself to invite myself along. It feels very rude. I overhear people talking about trips and parties, and I'm left out of the loop. They talk about movie festivals and cook-outs and concerts as if I'm not even there. The only invites I've had have been to get boozed up on cheap beer. I have gone to these sorts of events before, and I don't enjoy them.

I'm currently living in another country where I don't speak the language. My friends are all expats. I've been trying very, very hard to learn the language, but nothing is gelling. When I people ask me for directions, I freeze and they wander off. When people say hello, my face turns red and I can't seem to speak.

I am trying to be social. I tried to go to a meet-up recently. I figured that, even in another language, I could enjoy the activities. Even though it was something I'd normally like, I felt miserable. I stayed for an hour or so, then took the train back to my flat. The whole effort made me feel like a failure.

I feel very shy and unloved. I know it's my fault, but I can't seem to change. Every attempt I make ends in disaster. I put up a front for my friends. I'm not sure they even realize just how lonely I am. People are always shocked to hear that I shop and go to the movies and hang out at the library by myself.

Any advice on getting over this slump?

Why do minor chords sound cold?

dunkadunc — Sun, 31 May 2009 15:50:58 -0800

Why do minor chords sound cold? Why do minor chords sound 'cold', while major chords sound warm?
As a musician, this has been bugging me for some time- I know it's not just me because I've heard this from other people as well.
Is this purely a cultural association that one learns, or is there some sort of neural/mental connection between a minor chord and tension and nervousness?

how did you feel when you turned 40?

bananaskin — Sun, 24 May 2009 14:35:37 -0800

How did you feel when you turned 40? I am a woman, just turned 40 a few months ago. I am single, no children. Been divorced for 15 years. Been trying to find a good man to settle down with and make a family but sadly, that has not occurred as of yet.

I have found that recently, I am beginning to feel strangly empty, somewhat lonely, and although age is always relative to the person who is older/younger, I am beginning to feel some sadness that I am now 40 and still alone.

Although I have worked hard to finish school and start a new job, getting modest financial success, I am feeling sad.

Before anyone quickly states "It could be worse" or the like, put yourself in my shoes and see the world from here first. (no kids, over 40 in a world that sees female value in her youth, oh and so much more...)

I would like to hear both thoughtful, compassionate advice as well as any feelings and thoughts of others who have recently turned 40.
Thanks!
bananaskin

Sountrack for sadness

Eddie Mars — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 07:04:14 -0800

Soundtrack ideas needed. My uncle is a Vietnam vet, and he's dying of cancer. He mentioned to my mother that he regrets never visiting the Memorial Wall in DC.
I live in Philly, so yesterday my wife and I drove down and took a few hundred photos and video taped a slow walk along the whole length. I've put this together as a slide show and a movie using iDVD. Now I'm looking for accompanying music and can't decide what to use.
I need two songs: one for the video of walking along the wall, which lasts 5:46, and one for the slideshow, which lasts about 2 minutes, although this time is flexible.
I want to avoid classical music, which is kind of a cliche for this sort of thing. I'd like a somber tone, but not too much so, if you know what I mean. Music from the period preferred.

Why did this happen?

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:01:50 -0800

Why would a 21 year old guy have ED issues for no apparent reason? [NSFW] [personal drama] Should I be concerned?

Short version: Erectile dysfunction is not supposed to be an issue for twenty-one year olds.

For three years now I've been going to a college located about six hours from where I grew up and went to high school. I've been exceedingly happy with my life in that time, and I’ve never really had to face any major psychological issues that could carry the blame for what I’m about to talk about.
Last week I started talking to a girl that I had been friends with in high school but had not seen since then. Nothing really exciting, just some facebook messages back and forth amounting to a whole lot of small talk. I did mention, though, that I would be passing through her area within the following day or two and she told me I should pay her a visit. I didn’t really think much of it—she and I had made out once or twice while we were still in school together but it wasn’t anything serious, just run-of-the-mill messing around at a party. I assumed that she and I were just going to visit and catch up.
Well, I was driving back to my school over the weekend and that’s when I decided to drop by. And it didn’t wind up just being dinner and a chat. We were drinking for a little while, we went back to her house...you get it.
I’ve always found her wildly attractive. The kind of beauty that comes from both the body and the brain. That’s what makes this whole thing so painful for me—she’s a lot more significant in my mind than a lot of the other girls I’ve known. And she’s the only girl I’ve ever had sex with who I’ve known for more than a short period of time (I guess that makes me pretty shallow, sorry).

The details of it go like this: we’re in bed together and she’s doing some pretty exciting things. The problem is, I’m having a difficult time giving her the tool she needs for the job. So to speak. And god knows, she made an incredible effort of trying to help me out—which really makes me feel worse. Eventually I manage to get halfway up for a little while before I go limp again. Finally we both decide to take a shot at it later and fall asleep for a little while.
Several hours later we wake up (it was a small bed so waking up was happening pretty often) and we’re both feeling pretty stoked about taking another shot at this. And, thank god, I respond a lot more vigorously this time around. We’re going at it and as far as I can tell it’s great for the both of us (sure as hell was for me). About maybe four or five minutes into the main attraction, however, my penis decides he’s going to take a fucking break on me. Fun while it lasted.
We messed around some other ways for the rest of the night but the whole episode has been bothering me for a while now, and I was really hoping it wouldn’t.

I’ve never had this problem before, though really my experience is limited to a couple of other girls. I’m determined to figure out why this happened and I’m hoping you guys might have some ideas because I’m terrified of this happening again. I do think I might have one or two reasons, though. To start, she dated a friend of mine a few years back. At the time he was actually a really close friend but since then we’ve drifted apart—though we still speak occasionally, and I don’t really think he’d be too upset if he were to hear about this (though I think it goes without saying that he won’t really find out). So maybe some sort of subconscious guilt is at play here—and I say subconscious because, frankly, it doesn’t really bother me in the slightest that I just did this with his former high school girlfriend. Maybe that makes me a tremendous asshole but I feel like at some point we have to let the past be past.
Additionally I was pretty drunk at the time and I know how biochemically that can sometimes be a downer (haha). I haven’t really given that particular possibility too much thought though because alcohol hasn’t stopped me before, and I wouldn’t imagine it would have stopped me when I was in bed with a girl I have stronger feeling for than almost any other that I’ve known.

She’s a beautiful girl with skills that could turn a gay man straight …it just doesn’t add up for me. This isn’t supposed to happen.

And now it’s bothering me senseless.

If anyone would like some clarification about this post or wants to ask me anything at all, you can email me at feelingbummedout /at/ gmail /dot/ com. If you don't mind, please post my reply to your question as a comment so other people answering can take it into consideration. You don't have to, but if it would help then I'd be appreciative. I ask this because, if you don't know, I can't post follow ups myself without disclosing my username.

Is this SAD, or something else?

deeper red — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 11:55:56 -0800

Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder, or something else? I'm British and live in the north of the country. During Winter its only light from 8am to 4pm, and some days it's so cloudy and misty that we have to have the lights switched on even during the day. I've noticed recently that, on Sunny days as we come out of Winter, I feel immeasurably better -- it's like I've snorted a line of Coke or something. I'm full of energy, and cheery. I'm not exactly subdued when it's a duil cloudy day, but I'm definitely not at my best, and I've noticed that I tend to eat far more on those days (I think it's impossible to diet during the winter months).

Is this SAD, or is there something else going on? I'm experimenting with a bright light box but it's not entirely conclusive. Do you have this problem? What do you do to fight it?

Need to shed some light...

yellowbinder — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 20:24:55 -0800

Where can I get a light therapy box for S.A.D. in Toronto? Pretty gloomy here, and me and my man are looking for some energy providing light. Thought it would be easy to find such a sun lamp, but not so much. Tried a Shoppers and Walmart. Where they at?

What to do when depression disrupts your relationships?

mintchip — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 13:57:08 -0800

What to do when depression disrupts your relationships? I have chronic mild-to-moderate depression. I am in treatment but it never fully resolves. I go through phases of being quite irritable and/or antisocial. Naturally, this has a tendency to disrupt all but the most solid friendships.

I have one group of friends in which I always feel like an outsider. They will invite me to some things but I often feel that I get left out of important events, and that I'm not invited as often as others in the group are. When, as it usually happens, I find out later that I was left out of a big get together, or a party to celebrate x y or z, my depressed mood further deteriorates. Then again, because I'm down I'm not often extending invitations, so maybe that's why I don't get as many as others in the group do. However, when I'm having a good week, and try to rekindle things, sometimes I feel a touch rebuffed--maybe due to having been out of touch for a while.

I've tried to tell a few friends in this circle that I've been down, "don't take it personally if I'm not super social," etc. However, the fact that this hasn't led to many inquiries into how I'm doing, nor invitations to spend time together, leads me to wonder if in fact that they don't care about me all that much...which leads me to be even less inclined to spend time with them when I am in fact invited, since as described above I feel like I'm treated as a bit of an outsider and I'm not all that sure that any of them care about me as more than just a tertiary member of their large and extended circle. As you can see, this makes becoming isolated a self sustaining cycle.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm pushing these people away or if it's more like my mood has caused me to drift away (and they assume that I don't like THEM) or if they simply don't like or care about me all that much--or some combination of the three. However, I'm not sure I feel close enough to discuss the topic any more than I already have. At this point I'm not sure how to address it since we're not all that close and this seems a topic that you'd discuss with good friends.

Any thoughts on how to address the above situation and how to avoid withdrawing in the first place when one gets down?

I'm Moving Out

Bageena — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:41:22 -0800

Sort of like a question I asked before, but not quite as whimsical. I've reached the end of the lease with the apartment my wife and I live in. It's up as of February 1st and that's perfect, because we'd like to be out by then. The problem is that they're asking for a 60 day written notice and we just gave them notice today. In the last 7 days, Mrs. Bageena's father died and while we were out of town for the funeral, someone broke into our apartment and robbed us. Please forgive me if this question isn't quite as clearly written as it should be. I've had an emotional week. Ok, so, here we go.
My wife and I have lived in an apartment in Mesa, AZ for the last 12 months. When we moved in, we signed a year long lease with no deposit down. They put in the lease that we would need to give them a 60 day written notice. We found that out around the beginning of this month when I called in to inform them that we were planning on moving out at the end of the month. We thought, well, you know, that sucks but we'll just have to stick it out if that's what the lease said.
Then, a week ago, this happened. Gilbert is my wife Tara's father. He passed away Saturday the 10th driving from a round of golf in Globe to his home in Snowflake. Tara and I were notified shortly after it happened and we immediately drove to Snowflake to be with the family. The funeral was on Friday, and we drove home on Saturday.
On top of that, we recieved a call after the funeral (on Saturday when we were driving home, actually) from our apartments letting us know that someone had kicked in the door of our apartment and robbed us. They stole my wife's laptop, my Xbox 360 elite, about 20 games, and went through our financial stuff. All in all, I think the loss comes to about $2000 worth of stuff. The police officer explained to us that this was actually the 4th break-in within the last 7 days at our apartment building.
So there you have it. We wanted out of the apartment at the end of the month from the very beginning, but when we found out Gilbert had died, it seemed even more important that we free ourselves up a little in case we need to help with Gilbert's finances. Then, with the break-in, we very simply put no longer feel safe in our apartment. They barely fixed the lock on our door and haven't even made it a point of importance to come back around and fix the door frame, which shattered when it was kicked in. My wife can't deal with any of this stuff right now, and the person we usually turned to for advice with this sort of thing was her father. So Mefites, can you help me?

Thanks.

Have years of poor sleep hygiene ruined me from using a sunrise alarm clock?

cosmic osmo — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 13:19:57 -0800

Will my sunrise alarm clock ever work for me? And other tips on regulating my sleeping schedule? So I have a ton of trouble with sleep:

- Insomnia, which alternates between not being able to fall asleep at all and waking up an hour or two after falling asleep at night
- Excessive daytime sleepiness, which makes it nearly impossible not to nap, which then throws off my whole schedule
- Complete inability to wake up in the morning, regardless of how much sleep I've gotten the night before

To that last end, I asked for (and received) this guy for the holidays this year. I've tried every manner of super loud alarm clock placed across the room, multiple alarms, etc.--all of which I eventually end up sleeping through completely after using for a couple of weeks. So I decided to go a different direction and use an alarm based on light rather than noise to see if that worked.

Except in the four days I've used it, I've failed to be awakened at all by it (even the beeping noise it makes at the end of the "sunrise"). Twice it's been set to a time prior to the actual sunrise (6:45), and twice after (7:45). I slept with the shades drawn for the "after", but it didn't seem to matter, as neither scenario was successful.

My sleep hygiene throughout my life has been spectacularly poor, and while I'm really working at getting that under control, I'm wondering if my habits have 'ruined' me from ever successfully using a sunrise clock. Specifically, light has never prevented me from sleeping--in addition to frequent afternoon naps, I have been known to fall asleep at night with all of the lights on (and have since childhood). I also live in New York City, so it is never completely dark in my bedroom, even with the shades drawn.

The past few weeks I've seriously been cleaning up my act--no daytime naps, no caffeine except tea in the mornings, reducing external sources of stress, making my bed more comfortable (and not spending non-sleeping time in it), trying to go to bed at a specific time each night. While I haven't been perfect, the past few nights when I've used this clock I've been pretty meticulous with a specific bedtime routine and ample time to wind down from computer/television use and though I fell asleep more easily than I normally do (ok, I did take a Benadryl last night), I'm still sleeping straight through the alarm.

So, people with sunrise alarm clocks: did they work right away for you? Is this just a question of my body taking its time to adjust to my new habits? Or will this clock never reliably wake me up because of so many years of sleeping with the lights on?

(Additional, possibly relevant information: I don't have sleep apnea, and while actually getting out of bed is easier in the summer when it's bright and warm out, my sleeping through alarms is pretty consistent year-round and doesn't really change based on what I'm getting up for--i.e., getting up for work, getting up for an exam, getting up to catch a flight, getting up to go have fun at the beach--are all complete struggles.)

Give us a soundtrack for our walk away from the apocalypse

millipede — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:47:46 -0800

I am looking for songs that call to mind (music-wise, rather than lyrics-wise) the rather specific feeling of walking or driving away from a great disaster that has left one greatly scarred, but alive: Post-apocalyptic victory songs. My roommate and I are having concurrent miseries. We were putting together misery playlists and realized that we didn't really want SAD songs, per se, but songs more of this strange nature. She described it as music that calls to mind driving away from something, through a desert. I'm thinking it's music that is a fitting soundtrack for walking over a bridge away from a burning city that nearly consumed you and that you helped destroy. We are being figurative.

Some examples of music that fits:
"And I" by Portugal.The Man
"Malagueña Salerosa" performed by Chingon
"Gold Dust Woman," Hole's version
"The Show Must Go On" by Queen
"House of the Rising Sun" by the Animals
"I Luv the Valley OH " by Xiu Xiu
"Zoo York" by Paul Oakenfold
"Every Me Every You" by Placebo
"Silence Is Golden by The Tremeloes

Basically, we are looking for dark, churning, vaguely hollow-sounding songs with a sad or bittersweet edge. Lyrical content is not especially important--it's that sound I'm looking for.

To find a misplaced laptop in NYC?

unknowncommand — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 23:05:13 -0800

My roommate just left his laptop in a car (from a car service) that he flagged down (i.e. he doesn't know what service it was) in Greenpoint (NYC). Is he totally screwed?

Help Me Not Be SAD

foxy_hedgehog — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 04:21:15 -0800

I'm heading into my first Northern European winter, and all of my Berlin friends are regaling me with stories of months spent in a state of unrelenting malaise while developing alcohol problems and watching people throw themselves on to the Bahn tracks. I had problems with depression even when I lived in California, so I'm trying to develop a strategy for a suicide-free season. My primary question: will the sunbeds at my local pool constitute "light therapy"? I've read through the previous questions on light therapy and SAD, and am looking for some floor lamps and full-spectrum lightbulbs (by the way, if you know what those are called in German you will win a special cash prize of an as-yet-undisclosed amount). I also am pro-midday walks and cardiovascular exercise. But I'm wondering if the sunbeds provide the type of light ("blue light"?) used in light therapy, or if I'm just courting a bad tan and skin cancer.

Whatever the lizard part of my brain is that responds to light therapy is called thanks you in advance.

The kindly one

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:17:17 -0800

Is it normal to become exhausted after feeling intense anger or sadness that is accompanied by no particular physical activity? I find that when I am intensely sad or become angry, no matter how I deal with it, I become extremely sleepy an hour later, and the rest of the day just doesn't feel right. It isn't anything I'm aware of doing physically, although today when I was angry I did notice that I was breathing shallowly and quickly. I don't yell, stamp around or snap; that would be unprofessional (unless you own the company!) I just keep my cool and try to be thought of as even-tempered. (It seems to work. A friend once called me "St. [Anon]".)

I do my best not to express strong emotions in front of others who aren't prepared for them, although by myself I will cry. Whether or not I cry doesn't seem to make any difference as to whether I get tired. This didn't seem to happen to me when I was young, and my teenage years were a drama roller coaster.

I'm expecting the death of a dear person soon, so this is just going to keep happening. How -- besides caffeine -- can I help fix it?

Should I just pick up the phone and call?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 18:01:11 -0800

Should I suck it up and extend an olive branch or wait for her to contact me? [Long, long post. Apologies] I have been friends with Jess* for 8 years now. We were very close after we left school and I had seen her through a few serious relationships, being disowned and kicked out, having her live with me and my family, being accepted back into her family, her brother and mother getting quite sick, her father getting extremely sick (as in, we all thought he would die), I helped her move to another state, supported her as she has broken up and got back together with her current boyfriend a number of times and I have also seen her start 3 different degrees at 3 different universities. Jess has lived interstate for 2 years now, with her boyfriend and, understandably our relationship (“best friends”) has changed, I was expecting it to change as she has James* and is wrapped up in him and their relationship. I should say I have two other friends I would say are “best friends” that also are close with Jess.

The problem:

I recently, with another of our close friends (Mel*), visited her at considerable expense. We went for a weekend and it was awful. We were made to feel like we were intruding on their weekend and when discussing plans Jess would get angry at us because we didn’t know what restaurant we wanted to go to for dinner / what activity we wanted to do. Nothing was planned. Also, Jess & James are so focused on each other that Mel and I basically spent all weekend just hanging out as the two of us. The three girls probably only spent a total of 3 hours, just us with Jess’ full attention, over the entire weekend as James had to be involved in everything we did. I had gone down to see my best friend, to spend time with HER not James and she was aware of this. You can probably appreciate how upset I would have become so I did what I usually do - I clammed up. I could have handled it better and I openly acknowledge that I am partly to blame for the situation our friendship is now in.

We talked about a week after the disastrous weekend and now, 3 months later, have only spoken about once. In the last 2 months, I haven’t heard from her at all. In our 1 conversation she accused me of being rude to James “you didn’t answer him when he spoke to you” which I would never do, I was a guest in his house, so was a little WTF? Another comment was “she was frustrated that we wouldn’t make any decisions, I’m not here to ‘entertain you’” which made me really, really angry. Whenever she visits we all make an effort to make plans or have something arranged. Also, she was our host in my eyes which means, yes, you have a small burden of planning at least dinner ahead of time.

Also that she “wanted us to get to know her and James as a couple” which I told her I thought should have been told to Mel and I beforehand, rather than us thinking we were going to get some quality time with her. I also, stupidly, after she told me she “wanted me to totally honest with her” told her that the only person I have any interest in is her and that forcing me to watch them be all over each other is not a good way to endear me to them as a couple. I know, I shouldn’t have said I don’t care about getting to know James but... it’s really how I feel.

I’m at a point where I am really sad that we aren’t talking but also angry that I seem to be heaped with all the blame for the outcome of the weekend – to the point that we aren’t talking anymore. I feel like the fact I’m not that wrapped in being “best friends” with her boyfriend shouldn’t be such an issue, we have never had that type of relationship where we have to be buddy-buddy with each others partner’s. I have been there for her for so many years, so many dramas (with very few of my own), that I feel angry that she would be so willing to throw it all away for something like this and that, once again, I’m the one that has to do something about it, fix it, etc. The friends we share say she has been sobbing down the phone to them about this… so why doesn’t she do something? Am I being spiteful by not calling her myself?

So… Should I suck it up and extend an olive branch or wait for her to contact me?

Throwaway email for any further questions is sadgirl@inbox.com

Thanks in advance for everyone who dispenses advice – MeFi is my favourite. *Fake names, of course.