Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Romance

How to Initiate "Operation: Disambiguate"

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:11:34 -0800

So, this dude has been sending me extremely mixed and just plain weird signals for awhile. I've decided to get to the bottom of this. Problem: I'm hella awkward. Help me start this conversation, MeFi! For the past two and a half months or so, I’ve had an odd relationship with this one special dude. For various reasons, we see each other a lot (I’m a queer guy in college, for context), and our interactions with each other have been oscillating between blasé casual friendship and hyper-engagement with me for multiple hours. At times, I could swear he was flirting with me, which I had taken as a fairly probable signal for romantic-sexual interest, as I rarely think anyone is flirting with me, even if they in fact are. However, the disconcerting disconnect between the two sets of moods—combined with my own passive nature—led me to be really confused as to whether I should try to pursue anything further. (Obviously, I’m very interested, or else I wouldn’t be making this post!) One night when we’re up late working, though, he mentions that he “may as well” talk to a boy who he later identifies as his boyfriend, who is abroad far, far away. Weird, I think, for him not to mention a boyfriend when we see each other regularly, but my thought is that I must surely have been reading things incorrectly, as, duh, he’s taken and probably not actually interested in me. “Well, that sucks!” I think, and go back to my collegiate life.

The weirdness (or, at least, my perceived weirdness) doesn’t cease, though. At one party, he makes a big deal out of talking about his boyfriend in the past tense for about five minutes, then half-heartedly corrects himself into the present. At another recent party he invited me to, he did this strange thing where he would come up to me, start talking for a bit, retreat to the corner (talking to nobody), and then coming back up and talking to me again before restarting the cycle. This was apparently so noticeable that my friends there all noticed it as well, coming up to me to offer their own statements of confusion while I stood there, boggled with a drink in my hand. More importantly, at a party I invited him to in turn he takes me aside at the end, and pulls out some small cultural artifacts from his trip abroad this last semester, and hands them to me as a gift. (I had referenced them in a really, really passing verbal communication that I can’t even recall the context of now.) “These are my last [artifacts from my abroad trip.] I wanted you to have them,” he says before his friends drag him home. Today, he barely acknowledges my presence. lolwhut?

WTF WTF WTF. I’m stumped—my friends are stumped—it’s very possible that God himself is stumped. I’m still feeling like I’m getting mixed—and just kinda strange—signals. Most importantly, all this nonsense I've been putting myself through with regards to trying to analyze each individual unit of information, change of mood, gesture, et cetera has been driving me nuts, and I’ve decided it’s time to finally break out of my typical passivity and have a conversation with him directly addressing some of the questions I have. I wish I had just come out in one of these previous situations and just recognized the elephant in the room, but the best I can do at this stage is address it as soon as possible, probably as soon as we get back from the Thanksgiving holiday. It’ll suck if the answer isn’t what I want, but at least I’ll have an answer that I can process and move the hell on from, rather than keeping my psyche in this constant, vigilant holding pattern. I’m pessimistic, but want a consolidated reality rather than a gazillion possible realities.

The Question, Restated: However, this is so out of my comfort realm that I have near-literally no clue of how to go about this. How do you begin this sort of conversation? An e-mail message… what do I say, how do I preface it? All I can think of is, "Hi, we need to talk," and that just sounds awful and confrontational.

And, say, I get him down talking (in-person's the only way to go for the actual discussion, I realize)… what are some acceptable ways to go about this? Especially if this somehow all ends up being from my end and not from his, I don’t want to make things totally awkward and awful for him. In my mind, I’m thinking something like: “Hi, [dude,] so for awhile now I feel as though I've been receiving some messages that you may be attracted to me, but at other times I have not. I don't mean to accuse you of doing one or the other, but I just wanted to know how you actually feel, so I can figure out what's going on.” Does this sound OK? Could I say anything better? Is that laying it on too heavy, or sounding too accusatory? My main interest, after all, is just figuring things out in a way that can be best for everyone's emotions involved—I don't want to deal in any nonsense about him "leading me on" if that's the case, I just want to disambiguate the situation and move on from there. Does anyone have any experiences with this sort of thing that they could share?

It's a big step for me, personally, to even think about having this kind of awkward conversation with someone, and I'd really appreciate the advice on how to go about doing it, because I'm determined to do it. Thanks so much, MeFi!

Can I live without laughter?

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:38:29 -0800

Have been dating this guy for almost three months, am feeling very serious about him, and he about me. There’s just one thing: he doesn’t laugh. Hardly at all. Almost never. I am trying to figure out if I should move forward with a relationship which is wonderful in pretty much every other way. So this guy: he’s great. Smart, kind, thoughtful, bringing me little presents all the time to let me know he’s thinking about me, texting me sweet little texts, always doing what he says he’ll do, planning interesting dates, we’re into the same things and almost hilariously compatible in so many ways. He’s loyal and good to his friends, and cares about his community. Whenever I have a problem or an issue, he’s totally willing to hear me out, communicate with me about it, and deal with it. We have talked about marriage and kids. I really, really care about him.

I plan to bring this up with him and see what he says, but I’m reluctant for fear of hurting his feelings -- because I am afraid that this is something that is not within his ability to change, and I fear that it may be a dealbreaker for me.

He doesn’t laugh. If I say something I think is funny, he doesn’t laugh. His facial expression doesn’t even change. Not even in that little “I don’t think what you said is funny but I’m acknowledging you made a joke” way. He says he just doesn’t “get” comedy or comedians. Not that I care about comedy, but I do want joking around and laughter and good-natured teasing and tickling and giggly joy to be a part of my life. He does not attempt to be funny or try to make me laugh. He doesn’t do the social smiling or social chuckling thing with other people, either. I notice this particularly, almost painfully, when I do or say something a little embarrassing, and he does not do what I would consider to be the normal thing, which is to laugh it off, or socially chuckle, or smile. He just sort of stands there with no facial expression. And makes no attempt to reassure or comfort, it’s like he doesn’t get that anything just happened.

He will occasionally do little sardonic chuckles to himself about something he thinks is funny, but I have never heard him actually laugh.

Also: does not chit-chat, at all. Very, very seldom makes eye contact with me, but when he does it is sincere and loving. Seldom talks about how he feels about things. I fear that the emotional depth of this relationship can only go so far when I cannot open up with him and bond through laughter or tears or intense emotion. I believe that he feels a lot for me, but I also feel like he does not actually understand how I feel most of the time. It’s very difficult to explain. But if I explain to him that I am feeling sad or frustrated, he does his best to comfort me.

Metafilter: should I make this a dealbreaker? It breaks my heart to think of leaving him -- he’s wonderful in so, so many ways. But I am afraid that I am going to starve for lack of that warm, giggly feeling when you laugh together with somebody you love, or the feeling you get when you are sad and somebody who cares about you holds you and feels bad that you feel sad. I don’t know if I can do without that. If I don’t make it a dealbreaker, how can I work around/through this with him?

anon answers or questions to nosmileyface@gmail.com

I'll bet Heyer didn't have these worries..

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:29:17 -0800

Looking for people's experiences with submitting romance manuscripts to the usual houses and the aftermath. I am looking for people's experiences with submitting romance manuscripts to the various houses like Harlequin/ Mills & Boon, Samhain etc. Any sub-genre- I would just like some general overviews of your experiences.

While I have been given some cursory guidelines about the basics of submitting a manuscript (typeface/ pagination, format, what they want to see first), I'm curious about the overall process, pet peeves of various editors etc.

(Posting this anonymously as there is a potential work conflict.)

Brunch for 2 in Houston?

abdulf — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:42:18 -0800

Romantic brunch ideas in Houston? On a Sunday? I am thinking somewhere that offers a little more privacy than the local IHOP. Bonus if it's located near other interesting stuff (like shops, parks, etc). I realize things may be closed on Sunday morning.

Dating, marriage and the whole "league" thing.

KMH — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:30:53 -0800

Is this girl "out of my league"? I met an attractive (in every sense) girl recently, and we have a lot in common - except earning potential (and maybe to some extent family/social background). We both socialise in the same crowd and had a lot of fun the last few times we saw each other. We haven't been on any occasions with just us two so far. We're both practising Catholics and I'd certainly be open to dating her / courtship in the future.

I think she likes me and I certainly find her really attractive. Probably for this reason I'm thinking ahead quite a few steps (maybe somewhat futile although we both raised the topic of marriage a few times now in a lighthearted conversational way).

Although I've clearly got higher qualifications than her, and I'm about 3 years older, I'm earning below average wage for the UK, and my career has a rather slow progression. In contast she is looking at buying a house already.

My background is very much lower-middle class if not upper-working, and I've felt this sort of "inferiority" with previous girlfriends, and I'm sure it contributed to breakups. I'm not being deliberately chauvinistic I hope!

I recently read "Watching the English" and was a bit depressed as I fit the stereotype of intellectual lower class man interested in "marrying up", which statistically is apparently not successful. Possibly this doesn't apply because she's Eastern European but I'm thinking she comes from a good, stable professional family background i.e. middle-class (for various reasons I won't go into).

So, does the whole "league" concept really apply in romantic relationships with marriage as the eventual horizon? Should I stop worrying and trust that any girl who's interested in me will take me as I am? Or should I make an effort to meet more girls in my "league"? Or change "league"???

So I Guess He Wasn't Into Me?

cscott — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:05:54 -0800

Is He Just Not That Into Me: Part Deux Hey guys!

So I have a little update about the situation I shared last week here. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm going to re-post a portion of the back story from last week for anyone who didn't get a chance to read it.

So there's this guy I'm cybercrushing on ... He's a model who's moving to the city I live in three months. There are four of us on this social networking website who have bonded and I've met the other two in person. Three weeks ago, one of them posted a video of him, me, and another dude about some random stuff. We all have photos posted of ourselves on this social networking website so it's no mystery to the guy I have a crush on what I look like. But in the video I had a voice and personality. He sent me a message saying, "You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!" Later we were chatting about gay dating and ethnicity. I was saying that since I'm not white (I'm South Asian) a lot of people can't really figure out where I'm from and probably aren't into darker skinned guys like me. He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me. But before that he was saying that he has a type. There are exceptions but his type is a white guy in his mid-30s with dark hair. And I obviously don't fit that description. Last week, I asked whether he's really just not into me because I'm not his type physically. Most of you said it's impossible to know right now so just keep flirting and see what happens.

Well ... we chatted a couple of times online this past weekend. He was asking me what's the best neighborhood to live in once he moves here and where he could work part-time before getting into modeling. The second time we chatted we went back and forth for two hours. He said I was a shining example of a gay man, asked me loads of questions about my cultural and ethnic background (when I felt like I was rambling he said "I'm 10000% interested"), said he was sorry that in one online discussion forum he judged me too quickly (because back then he didn't know me as well), told me my name sounds beautiful, and when we were signing off he said "Good night, panda!" (yes, I cringed too, but I guess it was cute :)

But last night on this same social networking/discussion website we were talking about some random issue. This guy in my city started asking him when he was moving here and said "You're cute." My crush sort of blew the guy off on that public thread with a "Thanks. But I promise you. I'm not that great." Then somehow the city I live in came up in discussion on the thread and he said, "I'll be museuming, concerting, going to the park, conquering the city! CScott, can't wait for you to join me, buddy." My stomach buckled ... buddy? Four days after showering me with compliments and after personally messaging me to tell me I'm really handsome, now I'm in the friend zone?

Okay so I know this is an overanalysisfest. Forgive me. I WAS thinking ... maybe this guy likes me ... I mean he's told me he thinks I'm very attractive, says I'm a shining example of a gay man, says goodbye in what seemed like a somewhat affectionate tone (but maybe he's just weird), says he's "10000% interested!" in learning about my cultural background ... And now I'm his buddy. Okay okay ... this is ridiculous because I haven't even met him in person yet and I'm already trying to figure out EXACTLY what he's thinking/feeling. But all I want to know is if this is an obvious "let's just stay friends" situation so that I don't waste any time thinking there's potential when he gets here. ::Sigh:: Hard to figure shit out online. Curse the blasted internet! ::he writes as he finishes typing his Metafilter question:: ;)

Tell me about a time when you were on the receiving end of a truly romantic act.

stuboo — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:34:43 -0800

I'm looking for stories from folks, especially ladyfolks, who have been on the receiving end of random acts of romance. Tell me, when were you surprised by a romantic act? What was it? What were the circumstances? I'll take just about any story, but I'm most interested in every day, random, spur of the moment romantic acts.

Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's are great too, but stories that start along the lines of "It was a Thursday at 5:13pm..." are what I hope to see the most.

21 Male & socially incompetent

AugustEnds — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 09:34:37 -0800

21 Male & socially incompetent; How do I become more fun and interesting? Should I pretend to be happy so people will hang out with me? Socially I'm pretty screwed up. Emotionally I am pretty fucked.

I have so many problems that not too many people want to hear about. Furthermore, I’m not a fun person to be around. I am socially awkward because:
a) I have no emotional support or examples in my house; my parents fight alot; the last time they had a confrontation three household objects broke
b) low self esteem in high school and in general
c) terrible at small talk
d) terrible at what ever comes after small talk
e) no real way to handle emotional problems
How do I get people to understand me so I can rebuild my life (again)? Should I pretend to be happy so people will listen to me?

Normally I can adapt friends like me... those who are lame and downers. No body wants to be around a downer like me.

One of my dreams is to find a doctor any where in the world that is pro euthanasia because I can't stand my life. I'd tell him "sign me up for euthanasia" with the biggest smile on my face"

My other dream is to life my life to the fullest because what I don't think I can find a doctor that will do that for me.

I've only been on one date...
I play many sports... been a team captain for a coed sport recently
Today I overheard someone say to someone else at work I have "game" (skilled at dating?) but I can just be good at making a first impression.

I went through a depressive episode (nothing mental, more emotional) a few years ago.
My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)
Don't get me wrong, but that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame.
I want to live more than that.

My friends don't get why I am so frustrated with life.
I am frustrated because I don't know how to create meaningful relationships between friends or family.
I'm not even going to start with a girlfriend because I can't even get friends and family on track.
My friend told me I can ask some out to a movie.
My problem isn't asking someone out. My problem is creating a meaningful relationship.
Why is my friend only suggesting a movie when I'm dying to know what makes people stay together from as lovers or as friends over many months or years?

Let me provide some of my life experiences in short:

Example of what happens with me time and time again:
[meet someone at school] ---> [share a few laughs] ---> [something bland like sports/movies/dinner]
{span of above relationship does not last very long... gets boring}

The other day I hung out with my friends friends.. this is what happened:
[went for drinks] --> [ended the night listening to some of the funniest conversation and friendly insults over drinks]
{above relationship may not be long but is exciting}

This is what my friends accomplish
[meet people through school/party] --> [whole series of events over months that are oblivious ot me] --> [they are in a deeper relationship] --> [experimental/meaningful sex]
{span of above relationship is meaningful}

I notice my life suck so much when I run the show. I am not pressuring myself to do anything but I know I can do better than this!

I want to laugh my head off regularly by surrounding myself with good friends and people.
I want start dating to become seriously intimate with a girl.

I am grateful for the supportive people who try to help. However I never really had understanding parents or peers.

Thanks for reading!

Have 125 romance novels. What can I BUILD them into?

Quarter Pincher — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:47:53 -0800

RedGreenShowFilter: I've got a bunch of crisp paperback romance novels I've scavenged from dumpsters around town, and I'd rather turn them into something than read or try selling them. What can I build using them? I'm thinking clear box tape instead of duct, so the corny covers will still be visible. Bonus points for something handy. There's about 125 of them, at 4.25" x 6.25 " x (varying thickness, avg .75"). I can get hundreds more at local used book shops for less than $.50 each.

No idea too crazy, as long as it's feasible with 125 books, or more within reason.

That pretty much eliminates a giant Gundam, alas.

Subtle but sweet love stories!

low_horrible_immoral — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 02:24:30 -0800

Subtle but sweet love stories! I need some romance to warm my cold, lonely heart. But I don’t like histrionics or bombast. Can I have recommendations for sweet, satisfying but very subtle romances? Things I like are:

- when Mr (or Miss Right) is there all along in the background but the hero/heroine can’t see it
- when lots of other stuff happens in the story and there just happens to be a v. cute love story in the middle of it

A couple of examples are Emma and When The Cat’s Away (Chacun Cherche son Chat).
(I don’t mean UST, or slow-burning relationships that turn into romance later, like Mulder and Scully – rather, love stories that are planned from the beginning but just happen to be played out subtly and cutely.)

Thanks!

What is proper dating etiquette?

mintchip — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:52:54 -0800

What is proper dating etiquette? I used to always date one guy at a time. However, this left me waiting for him to call and with no back up plan if things din't work out. Over time, I realized that getting exclusive prior to knowing someone limits one's opportunities prematurely--before you have any real idea what type of person someone is or what they are looking for.

In the end, I am seeking a serious relationship. However, I now am comfortable taking a more slow, casual approach towards dating and I think it's helped limit some of the anxiety about dating that caused me problems in the past.

My question is this. It seems rather tacky to tell someone you have a date planned with someone else. At the same time, if you are seeing someone naturally they will ask what you are doing on other days and maybe who you are spending time with. It seems a little dishonest to say "I'm going to xyz with a friend." What is the best way to handle this sort of question?

Early on (before "the talk") it's assumed that you are dating more than one person, right?

I'd like to love my like

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 07:36:06 -0800

What are ways of saying "I like you" that don't sound so... clinical? "I like you" and "I'm attracted to you" sound so dry, and un-romantic. "I fancy you" is not bad, but it lacks a certain je-ne-sais-quoi. "I love you" is right out, since, well, I don't.

This is intended to be in a letter, so physical displays of attraction won't really work.

Only the lonely...

arkhangel — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 23:06:06 -0800

Having difficulties with online dating...help a guy out! Just had one of the most frustrating, disappointing dates ever. I've changed names, but that's it. I met K through OKCupid. Don't laugh; if anyone can come up with a better way to meet people, do tell. It's my experience that people in our age bracket don't date; what we do is we gather together at parties or bars, proceed to get drunk, pair off, then around 2 or 3 AM, we decide whether to snog with the person we've paired off.

I'm fairly extroverted, but I've always been shy about approaching women, and given my personal experiences, I'm fairly clueless about when to move in to make out. Essentially, I'm one of those guys you have to hit over the head - sorry!

Anyway, the date.

We met for light drinks (coffee), then decided to eat, as I'd not had a chance to eat and she was hungry as well. That's as good as things got, because the minute we took our seats...

she got on the Blackberry.

Now, I work in communications - my position essentially dictates that I be on call at all times. Still, there's a balance to be struck - if something needs to be done NOW NOW NOW, people call me. Otherwise, they email me, and stuff gets done.

If I'm on a date, or on a social engagement, I'll periodically break away - once or twice - to check & make sure things are OK, and nothing semi-important has come up.

This wasn't that. K was absolutely lost in her Blackberry, constantly tapping on it under the table. Ten minutes in:

"Is everything OK?"
"(distractedly)What? Oh, yes, sure, yes."
(goes back to tapping)

Well, 25 minutes in, after two or three desultory questions that failed to arouse her from her intense fascination with the Blackberry, I excused myself from the table, then came back and said:

"Look, obviously you're not having a good time with me. I know I'm not having a good time. I've paid for dinner, so you don't have to worry about that. I hope you continue to have as good a time with your Blackberry as you've had so far. Have a good night - take care!"

Now, obviously, I hemmed & hawed a little bit - it wasn't as smooth a delivery as I wrote down, but that's what I said.

Now, the questions:

1. Was I wrong for doing that? I paid for dinner, after all.

2. It's not my first bad experience with OKCupid. I've written a few women from there, and it's not turned out well - the first one, we just didn't click, and agreed not to see each other again; in another, we dated for a few weeks, then I never heard back from her ever again - as in, she cut off all contact, without any reason. The others? Nothing more than desultory emails.

As for other online services, bupkis. Plentyoffish resulted in no matches, Match.com & Chemistry.com were the same way.

Ideally, I'd *love* to try out something like Crazy Blind Date, but I don't live in one of their cities, so, no dice.

As I stated above, I'm a bit shy & clueless around women, so our generation's standard pattern of dating/hooking up doesn't work for me, unless the woman makes the first move (and how often does that happen? Not very often, in my experience).

Anyway, I'd like to think I'm a decent catch: I'm divorced, I have a decent relationship with my ex-wife, I like women (a majority of my friends are women, and I support women's causes), I have a decent, secure job working in a field that I love (politics), I'm a veteran.

I'm in my early 30s, and I'm concerned that I'm destined for an extended bachelor-hood. Which isn't the worst thing ever, but I'd really like to share my awesome experiences in life with someone other than my friends - at the end of the night, I go home to my apartment and my cat. It's getting old.

Care to help?

Facebook, steel my heart.

cmoj — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:57:12 -0800

How to channel Facebook info into another chance at a date? It must've been two or three years ago that I had class with and subsequently asked this girl out. We hit it off because she was reading a Robert Anton Wilson book, she was interested in Castaneda, knew of Jason Molina, and other miscellaneous coincidentally coinciding rare obsessions. Basically, there was obvious compatibility and mutual attraction. However, upon a request for dinner her hands went to her hair and she regretfully informed me that she had a boyfriend.

We hung out a few times, but I found her boyfriend to be too cocky for my taste, and I just didn't want another failed-girlfriend-friend, so the hanging out petered out, though we've been friends on Facebook ever since, though we haven't actively corresponded on there. We still live in the same town. We don't really run into each other, though it's a small college town.

Well, as 21st century as it is, her relationship status changed a few days ago, and subsequent posts confirm that she and that dude have broken up.

So, how can I get into a position to try again without seeming like some creep waiting for the rebound? I guess in a sense I am some creep waiting for the rebound, but you'll just have to take my word that my intentions are genuine and only partially lascivious.

Further complication: I sometimes have trouble recognizing faces. Only sometimes, and it can be anyone... best friends, family, whoever. Between this is and moderate social awkwardness, when I'm not sure if I know someone, I say nothing. On at least one occasion I've passed her by without saying anything and realized it was her after a weird look and further reflection.

Bedtime stories

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 08:13:01 -0800

Find me stories (books, movies, links, anecdotes) of how two ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged people met, and learned to care for each other. I like to fantasise before I go to sleep. I build the fantasies gradually up into romantic/sexual masturbatorial aid. Romance novels are crap for this because they have gorgeous young heroines with an uncanny ability to flirt and young Fabios eager to engage in rigorous and prolonged intercourse with them. They are not helpful in with my fantasy construction - I have to be able to imagine me in the story, and I am not gorgeous nor young nor can I flirt. However, I’ve worn out old memories & scenarios and need new vanilla-ish ones.

Good examples are from the first kiss thread excepting of course, that I’m a couple of decades (or more) past first kiss, so those precise scenarios won’t ring true for me. The guy helping out with the car and the hot chocolate here sounds like an ideal candidate, but I’d like a bit more padding to the story, like when & how does he approach their first night together sort of thing.

I’m introverted, so plain old fashioned dating is not a tranquil fantasy setting for me. Instead, how about enforced togetherness (snowed into a cabin, hostage situation, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking) where I can impress with trivia, and active listening, but not be on dating display and he can snuggle with impunity (must cuddle to stay warm, needs to support my impressive gunshot wound, that sort of thing). My hero needn’t be a rich man or particularly fit, he mostly needs intelligence and kindness, and that will make him hot to me, and of course, it helps if he finds geeky, creative women sexy, even if they are over 40 and not girly-girly.

So stories please of ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged couples meeting and lusting. Throwaway email: fantasy.enhancement@gmail.com

Grown-up love

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 10:09:16 -0800

Can cynical old me still find passionate love? Or should I readjust to some kind of grown-up relationship? I'm in my mid-30s and I've had quite a few relationships already. More than once, I thought I'd found The One, but after a few years, something hasn't worked and the relationship has ended. I find that with each relationship, I hold a bit more back, at least at first. I have less of the optimistic dreaminess as the years go on, and its hard to imagine ever re-experiencing the truly magical faith that I had with my first love. So, is there any hope for me? In your experienced opinion, is it OK to just accept a more mature form of falling in love, that is slower, more reserved, and more based on sensible choices? Or is it better to just wait and wait and hope to someday find someone who re-sparks a kind of youthful enthusiasm?

the DDD's of Love

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 07:19:56 -0800

Is there such a thing as a dating site for ONLY big breasted women? I think at this point, I know what it is, really, that I want in a woman. I want good conversation. I want a darker sense of humor. And I want someone who can be ready to leave the house in 10 minutes flat.

And physically, what I'm attracted to, for whatever reason, are really large natural breasts. And no amount of searching for specific body types has helped me find these women on traditional dating sites

So my question is: do LEGIT specific sites exist that cater to women with big breasts and the men who want to date them?

A romantic nuclear bomb couple movie?

Phyltre — Wed, 27 May 2009 05:04:54 -0800

Identifilter: A modern-day east-asian movie about a girl who was apparently built as some kind of bomb or war weapon? Roughly 3 years ago, I saw a commercial spot on television for a movie involving a girl in a romantic relationship, but apparently she wasn't entirely human because she was changing into some kind of war weapon or bomb or something. I think the promo might have run on G4. It was live action, and was NOT Machine Girl. I originally assumed the movie was Japanese, but it could have been Korean I suppose. The two images I most strongly remember from the promo are the asian couple sitting on a park bench, with lots of city skyline scenery, and a large explosion (possibly nuclear.) Maybe the girl was some kind of nuclear bomb?

Around once a month I google the odd keywords but always come up empty. Does anyone know of any movies that sound similar to this?

Books that are a tease.

IWoudDie4U — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:07:43 -0800

I'd like to read some mindless romance novels. I'm looking for books that have the drawn-out, difficult, possibly unrequited string-you-along love of a television series. Some of my favorites: Mulder and Scully in the X-Files. Dana and Casey in Sports Night. Ned and Charlotte in Pushing Daisies. Blair and Chuck in Gossip Girl. Rory and Logan on Gilmore Girls. As far as books, something like the Twilight series if it were better written, the heroine wasn't spineless and also it had boning.

3 day Honeymoon/getaway with 4 hrs drive of Central NJ?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 May 2009 12:13:13 -0800

Quick 2-3 day honeymoon within driving distance of NJ? New to the area, and out of ideas. Likes beaches, dining, spas, natural beauty, and romantic evenings. Help me find the best place to spend 3-4 days after our wedding in May (yes it is this month!!) Things had to be done in a hurry, and I am short of breath trying to keep up with arrangements :)

The other half got 3 extra days off and I would love to know if there are any honeymoon spots within driving distance of central NJ (3-4 hour drive is ok). We both love naturally beautiful places. Open to cabins in the woods (but where will we eat), or beaches (if its not too cold to go for a dip). Budget is < $1000 for 3 days/nights. Ideally the place will provide the opportunity for long scenic walks/treks, have good food, and help us rest our frayed nerves and bodies.

Any idea, mefites?

how to boost libido in a long-term relationship

monkeygenius — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:09:54 -0800

Help us (straight couple in our late twenties) fix our sex life so we can stay together. I'm a woman in a two year relationship with a man also in his late twenties. We've been together for two years. We've lived together for a year, but as he puts it, "we've basically been living together since the beginning." He has never lived with anyone before, but I have. We've had our share of problems, but both of us think we have a really good thing going. The major exception right now is the sex.

We both enjoy sex when we have it, but that's rarely more than once a month. I'm not particularly turned on because I don't feel very desired. He says he just doesn't feel the urge as often as he used to. This has been going on for over a year, but first was attributed to depression/anxiety (he's now on Wellbutrin), then to a need for some personal space, an issue which is now much better.

Typically he has a higher libido, and while neither one of us thinks we're doing it often enough, he just doesn't feel like having sex very often. Me coming on to him doesn't work either. (I've also tried not changing clothes in front of him, wearing nice things to bed, and leaving him alone about it).

The main problem, he says, is that sex is not related to emotions for him; it's more about the thrill of the chase. I realize that this is true of a lot of people, but here it's true to the point of causing problems.

As far as I can tell, emotional intimacy and sexual desire are inversely correlated for him. One idea I had was to try to shift something in the bedroom, not necessarily for further excitement, but just to break us out of habit (sort of like switching which side of the bed you sleep on).

So, two parts to the question, I guess. 1) what are some general things we can do to boost his libido? and 2) what are some things we can try to break out of our routine, that don't involve costumes or toys? (neither of us is prudish, we just don't get into that).

We agree that we're at the point of progressing to marriage, but neither of us wants to do so unless this issue is resolved. Please help us.

Ideas for NYC honeymoon surprise romantic gesture.

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:31:37 -0800

Going to be on honeymoon in NYC in June and want to prepare a memorable and thoughtful surprise for my new wife. We are a non-American honeymooning couple and will be in Manhattan for 10 days in June. I would like to totally surprise my new wife with a romantic gesture. It should be thoughtful and sweet and have her scratching her head as to how I pulled it off. I have been toying with the idea of consorting with some willing member of this site and getting them to hide a letter or something somewhere in central park. On our first morning we go for a stroll in Central Park and I walk to the pre-appointed rock or tree-hole or whatever and say 'Hey look there’s something in here, its got your name on it' etc. she opens it and reads it..... I feel that this idea is good in principle but lacking in impact. Essentially its just a letter hidden in a tree. So does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could build on it? Or can you think of alternative surprises, I am open to pretty much any suggestions?

We are staying in a nice hotel and are planning the trip in great detail so we will be eating in nice restaurants and doing interesting things. Money is not a barrier within reason (I could stretch to a few hundred bucks if it was worth it) but neither should it be required, she does not especially care for things that can be bought. I don’t think she would be impressed by the following type of surprises: Helicopter ride around Manhattan. Our names on a scrolling sign in Time Square. Booking a mega-expensive meal. Anything to do with the top of the Empire State. Thoughtful and surprising is more important than expensive and spectacular or clichéd. I know its very little information to go on and I know her best but I would love to hear your suggestions. Not looking for a gift per say but a surprise or unforgettable gesture.

Couple of other points. Depending on what I decide on I might need to impose on a willing member of this site to help execute it but not until I know what I am doing. In any case I have set up an email address for this purpose or any other questions people might have: mefi.groom@gmail.com. Not sure how I could rope someone in but maybe I could get matt to help me ask for help if needs be. I also realise that it might not be advisable to be seen hiding things in public places in NYC but you probably know that.

Plenty of Fish Applies to the Picky?

Phalene — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 22:14:58 -0800

Population Filter: I have a problem that's been bugging me for a while. Looking at the qualities I tend to be attracted to, can you help me figure out the ballpark number of potential matches? How many english speaking, non-religious or atheist, hetrosexual or bisexual males are there, who are above average in intellect and interested in S&M, while being between the ages of 20-40 (at the moment)? How many of these do not have serious health problems caused by addiction or mental illness? And how many are frugal, and believe in gender equality in a long term domestic partnership with kids?

Obviously there are other important qualities to look for in a partner, but I want to know the realistic odds of me ever marrying/settling down based on those being my limiting criteria. It's also a private speculation on how accurate the term 'plenty of fish' is when applied to me, something I've been wondering for several years now.

I suppose given the scattered nature of my statistics, I'd take global, or local, and I'd love to see the process one uses to reach the numbers.

What is the most fitting, original petname for my lover?

psylosyren — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:54:46 -0800

I am in love with a romantic. Help! There has been one askme that I have found, but none of the suggestions help. I need to come up with a pet name for my lover. I am his babydoll. Every time he writes that to me or calls me that, I melt. I want to do the same for him. The only thing I have been able to come up with is daddy seahorse or iceberg. They just don't sit well with me.

A couple of things you should know about him:
He is one of the smartest, well-read individuals I have ever met.
He loves the dadaists.
He is a writer, a musician, and a coffee roaster.
He is just fine, fine, fine.

Nothing I think of sits well with me. I want to impress him. I want it to be original.

Can anyone help?

Does it really come when you least expect it?

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 10:26:15 -0800

Are you a person whose romantic life started comparatively late--say, in your mid-twenties or later? Tell me your story! I'm in a very similar situation to this poster, down to living in NYC and being unable to flirt. (I'm a couple years younger, though--I turn 22 soon.)

But I'm not sure if I want to put in the work it takes to make a theoretical relationship, well, work, or even if I want to start casually dating. I don't feel like I'm really missing anything: I'm pretty happy with my life and how things are going at the moment, and I'm engaged in all kinds of fascinating and absorbing intellectual projects. At the same time, I don't want to grow old and die alone--I'd like, at some point, to be in a long-term relationship with someone. (I don't really care about sex.) I have had 2 relationships which each lasted a few months, but nothing in the past 3-4 years, so I'm beginning to get concerned that I'm permanently walling myself off from this part of human life.

So my question to you is: were you a late bloomer, romantically? Did the old line about love showing up when you least expect it turn out to be true? How much did you have to change in your life before you could start being in relationships? What would you tell your younger, single self if you could go back in time? Mostly, I'm interested in hearing what your experience of "breaking out of your shell" was like.