Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Relationship

Christmas Betrayal! Or not?

Splunge — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 18:29:55 -0800

I have a problem with a broken Christmas promise. My girlfriend and I agreed that since money was tight, we would not buy gifts for each other. We would purchase gifts for family. Children, parents, siblings. But we would only buy for others. Not for us. Then my girlfriend bought me an iPod Touch. While I certainly love the gift I feel that I should now buy her something, even though she insists that I do not. I'm thinking that since the agreement was broken (granted with love) I have the right to purchase her a gift. (With love) But OTOH, would that be loving, or tit for tat? Am I overthinking this? Is it a given that I get her a gift? Or should I just accept my gift and leave it alone, and in my mind maybe be missing some signal of some sort? While money is tight, it isn't so bad that I couldn't get her something. It doesn't have to be the same amount, but I'd feel like crap if I didn't get her a gift now. Help!

What else can I do to let go of thoughts of an ex?

Zorz — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 15:05:20 -0800

What else can I do to let go of thoughts of an ex? Earlier this year, I met the first girl I really loved. It was a brief but very intense relationship; just a few months. At first, it was incredible. But it progressed way too fast, and there were minor incidents that caused increasing distance between us. I think a lot of it was just the life she led, which was so much more expansive than mine. I envied it, in a way, but it also intimidated me. I shied away more than I'm proud of when she tried to open me up, and while being with her took me leaps and bounds from where I was before, it was slower than it should have been. I should have embraced her friends, instead I was awkward around them. I should have been more involved in her life; should have known what she was up to, what classes she was taking, how they were going. Instead, I felt confused and scared by the rest of her life when she wasn't with me. Needless to say, she eventually broke it off. I took it really hard and we exchanged occasional emails back and forth which ranged from me trying to win her back to trying to maintain a friendship. In the end though, I let go. I've tried to move on and not think about her as much as possible.

Unfortunately, this hasn't proven easy. In a lot of ways, my life has improved since the breakup. I got a better job, moved into a new apartment in a great area, I'm finally able to get into school next month... But, she left a pretty large footprint in my life. Being in a new city where I haven't really gotten to know anyone aside from her, there hasn't been much to fill the void. I'm constantly reminded of her. Half the music I listen to, either came from her or is something she'd like. She showed me how to handle living in an apartment, so now everything about mine seems to recall her place. She rekindled my love of reading, so now that reminds me of her. The great part of town I live in now? She first showed me around it. She helped me adopt the cat I own; even named him. The fact is that as I look back now, a lot of the problems we had stemmed from issues I still have in my life regardless of whether she's in it. So I'm not feeling different, except now I'm back to being alone. And much as I try not to, I still think about her. It's like my whole life before her, I'd had this friend in my head that I'd talked to as a placeholder. And then she was there, and she was everything I'd ever imagined she'd be. Now that I'm back to being alone, her identity still lingers in that place in my head and in my heart. When I close my eyes and tell my secrets to someone, it's still her, even though I haven't spoken to her in six months (longer than the relationship itself lasted).

It's possible that I'm just feeling lonely in general, and transferring it to thoughts of her because being with her was the last time I didn't feel that way. Maybe I just need to tough it out until I start school, which should be a whole new horizon for me. But if there's anything else I can be doing to move on...I'm open.

How do I deal with a good friend picking the ex over me?

inmediasres — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:35:51 -0800

Non-mutual, unexpected break-up. Two months later, still working on getting over it. Bigger issue: Our mutual friend and their now-thriving friendship. (Sorry if this is long...)
I met ex through our mutual friend, a friend who was MUCH more mine than his. (She told him if he ever messed it up, she was on my side.) Post-break up, I'm having a rough time, and I have confided in her multiple times. After sensing some hesitation and awkwardness from her about it, I stopped contacting her. She, in two weeks, did not reach out to me at all.

She and my ex still interact regularly and publicly on facebook. I’ve had to hide her, because he comments so frequently. And the first and only picture she’s ever put up of him was after our break up (and prompted this question). She and I have gotten together socially once recently with another friend to exchange Christmas gifts, and have had one very superficial conversation since.

The ex was not a “bad guy” but it was a relationship that was going in a serious direction. He very unexpectedly bailed and then got involved with someone else a few weeks after, and I am still very hurt. He and I are “no contact” and were together for almost a year. (He’s 24, I’m 25.)

I know I can’t ask her to stop being friends with him, but I’m not sure what to do. She has been a pretty good friend of mine, but this situation doesn't sit well with me. Should I just cut off contact for now? Should I pretend everything is ok? Do I talk to her about it? What do I even say?

Oh, here we go again.

opossumnus — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:35:52 -0800

I am an ENFP. He is an ENTP. Our emotional responses while arguing lead to complete exhaustion. M'aidez! Obviously, I cannot entirely free my question of biases, but I will try to be as objective as I can:

Occasionally, my partner & I argue. Often our arguments are the result of miscommunication, so we're trying to work on that. However, our emotional responses, or lack thereof, seem to be an obstacle.

He typically shuts down when we start fighting & tries to be logical, rational, & expedient. When he does this, I feel like he's retreating emotionally & ceasing to be invested in our discussion. If (who am I kidding, when) I start crying, he'll watch me detachedly or try to prod me to continue what I was saying, regardless of my capacity for coherent speech; I end up feeling hurt and betrayed, & wonder why I'm spending so much energy on the conversation.

I, on the other hand, feel like I lose much of my ability to rationalize when I'm in a heightened emotional state; the lizard brain takes over, as it were. & I tend to get trapped inside of my emotional response instead of fighting to have a logical response. I try to be logical, but often I can't even remember what I said five seconds ago, much less remember a whole structure of cause and effect. I want to communicate on his level but continue to be undermined by my own hyperreactivity.

This nearly invariably happens. I have been working to disarm the triggers that turn a situation sour, but I would also like to have skills to cope when we're in the thick of things. In sum, I can't deal with him being cold, & he doesn't know how to relate to me. Has anyone successfully dealt with this before, or can point me to helpful resources?

Learning to empathize

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:49:16 -0800

How can I understand, and empathize, with my fiancee's psychological issues? And other difficult-to-articulate questions. Posting anonymously as this is a fairly private issue I'd rather not have linked to my username.

Background info: I'd say I'm a well-adjusted, psychologically healthy male. I was raised believing in the power of the mind, with "anything's possible if you put your mind to it" as the family mantra. I'm a positive thinker and my own life has been shaped by discipline and self-control. I'm pretty stoic and always try to keep my emotions in check (I rarely cry or get angry, but I'm also upbeat and happy most of the time). Because these values have been reinforced and proven effective for me so many times over, I consider them virtues. I'm a big proponent of setting audacious goals, following my dreams, and being a self-made man.

The downside to this mindset is my difficulty empathizing with my fiancee. She takes two different medications, one for ADD and one for anxiety. This is probably a topic for another AskMe, but these two ailments are things I've always been skeptical of. I guess it's because I have no firsthand experience with them. I tend to agree with people like Thomas Szasz and the "anti-psychiatry" movement that these conditions are real but not necessarily best treated medically. Perhaps they're conditioned by upbringing, compounded by years of self-fulfilling diagnoses, special ed assignments, overstimulation, and psychosomatic confirmation bias. I realize this is controversial, and I don't want to debate it in this thread. Just trying to paint a picture of where I'm coming from.

My instinct, my deep desire, is to try to wean my fiancee off her meds (which she freely admits to hating for a number of reasons) and transition to a better-structured, calmer lifestyle. To help her rein in her issues sans pharmaceuticals. I feel some urgency, because doing nothing is unsustainable in the long term -- she continues to increase her dosage every few years just to get the same effects. How can someone follow that trajectory for a lifetime? It pains me to see her chemically addicted to mind-altering drugs that, as far as I can tell, only mask the symptoms instead of addressing the underlying cause. I'm particularly concerned about side effects that may manifest when we try for kids in a few years.

Anyway, that's a discussion for another time. Let me get to my real question.

When we talk about going off the meds, my fiancee agrees with my motivations but is terrified at the thought. It's not just the addiction talking -- she's fully convinced that her issues are 100% chemical and that there are no viable alternatives to prescription drugs. This is where I find it very hard to put myself in her shoes: she insists that she has no self-control, that it's clinically impossible for her to take any responsibility for her actions. This is contrary to everything I've ever believed about free will and sounds to my ears like pessimism or defeatism. She's playing the victim and refusing to even TRY to resist whatever urges pop into her head. She feels like it's out of her control but I have trouble believing it really is.

An example... something unexpected happens and her anxiety flares up. I try to calm her down. "It's okay," I say softly. I put my arm around her and breathe slowly so she can synchronize with me. I remind her that it's not the end of the world, that we can improvise and work around the obstacle. Her reaction is unexpected to me. She gets angry. "I can't calm down," she snaps. She pulls away from me sharply and does erratic things. It's like my attempts to help are useless, anything I do or say only aggravates the problem. Later she apologizes and tells me that her "brain was going very fast" and she simply couldn't process any stimuli at the time. Trying to help only snowballed the problem and she got angry with me for adding to the noise in her head.

She spends a lot of time angry or worried, even on her medication. I desperately want to help her get past these emotions, which will eat her up inside and make her miserable; training myself to overcome them was one of the best decisions I ever made. I want my fiancee to share my optimism and desire for adventure. I love her and just want to see her happy, not just momentarily but as a general frame of reference for her outlook on life. It's just healthier, for both of us as we head into marriage.

We've done pre-marital counseling, which I thought was great. But all of the counselor's advice built off my supposition that talking through issues in a logical, respectful manner is effective. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, clear-headed discussion is impossible (which frustrates me to no end, because I try endlessly to work through every bump in the road, just as was recommended, and seem to end up worse for my efforts).

I'm sorry this is so long. I don't really know how to frame this as a question but I'm getting exasperated. How can I help my fiancee? How can I come to understand her feeling of powerlessness? How can I actually make progress toward helping her overcome it?

My mind is open to new ways of looking at mental health, but it's still difficult for me. I feel that on some subconscious level, she's just lacking confidence in herself, being stubborn, and refusing to take responsibility for her behavior. She's not doing it intentionally, I know. If you think I'm wrong (and I'm sure many here will), how can I internalize the fact that some people literally cannot will themselves through adversity the way I've always done? It's almost impossible for me to accept, as it flies in the face of a lifetime of personal experience and seems ludicrous to me.

Any advice or related info is much appreciated. Throwaway email at empathytrouble@yahoo.com if you need it.

Should we breakup?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 07:33:14 -0800

How can I decide whether or not to end my relationship? My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years, and recently moved in together. On a day-to-day basis our relationship is fine, but I'm beginning more and more to feel concerned with some aspects long term. Our lease will be up in a few months and I feel that I should decide before then whether or not I think we have a future together, but I don't know how to address my concerns with him. I also feel like it's only fair to let him know how I'm feeling so that he's not blindsided by the news that I'm unsatisfied, but I don't know how to do that without making things very uncomfortable in the meantime.

Just for background, some of the issues I have are fairly simple, such as I'd like us to go do things like see shows or go hiking more often, and I'd like him to help around the house more, and some are more complicated. He comes from a very difficult and messed up family, which leads to him feeling overwhelmed and basically shutting down. I understand that sometimes he needs time and space to deal with his feelings, but it happens so frequently and leads to a lot of chaos in our lives. I also worry that at some point in the future there will be a time that I need him to be strong enough to help me through something, and I don't have a whole lot of confidence that he'll be able to. That may not be fair, he could surprise me, but it is something I worry about. I guess I just feel like I'm losing patience with the way things are, and I don't know if the things I'm impatient with are things he can or will change. I also don't know how to address the issues in a way that's fair to both of us. I can't give an ultimatum, but I also am frustrated enough with these things that I really feel like the relationship can't continue unless some of them change. I've brought up most of the issues on separate occasions in the past, but I think he felt like I was attacking him, and got defensive, so it didn't end up doing very much good, and led to me not feeling comfortable bringing things up.

I guess I'm looking for some advice about how to address our issues in a way that won't alienate him, or any opinions about whether intrinsic issues like shutting down can ever change. Thanks in advance.

I have no one. He was my life.

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:42:30 -0800

My partner of 8 years is thinking of leaving me. He gave notice on our apt without telling me. I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't have any family. I haven't kept in touch with my family. I just found out because the management company asked if they could show our apt and I said we weren't moving. Then they faxed me a notice to vacate in my partner's handwriting. I called and he admitted that he'd already secured an apartment.

I think I'm dying. I don't know what to do. I don't have any family. My friends are sweet, but he's been my best friend. I don't want him to leave me. He says he's 80% sure he wants me to stay with him, but there's a part of him that's unsure he wants to be with me because he thinks we might want different things. He was speaking in this disembodied tone over the phone, completely removed. In person, yesterday, he told me I was his life. We've been having so much fun.

We jut had a wonderful weekend. We've had a number of fun and great weeks. I don't know what to do. I want to run home to my family, but I've neglected them so much because my partner was my family and my mother is crazy. I live so far away from home. I only have $10,000 in the bank and I live in the DC area. I only make $36K, so I don't even think I qualify to rent any apts.

I'm shocked, confused, at work, and I feel extremely sick now. Part of me wants to beg him to please take me with him. Part of me rationally knows he should do what he wants and I should gracefully step out of his way. I love him. Deeply. I would do anything he wanted.

He's in his late 30s and I'm in my early 30s. God, I'm so confused. My sense of well-being is fading fast. What do I do? Can someone please give me a list of steps of what I need to do? I think I'm going to be a zombie for a few months at least.

Should I date other people while involved in a long-distance relationship?

ajarbaday — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:54:56 -0800

I've been in a long-distance relationship for five years, we'll call him "M." It is a damn challenge. During those five years, M and I have gone back and forth between an open relationship, not a relationship, and a long-distance relationship. We've both dated other people, but never gotten serious about anyone else. I just started dating someone, "J." Do I need to tell J about M? And should I even be dating other people? (Asking a question for a friend filter)
M has recently finished school and has been talking about finding a job closer to me. I am excited but also scared because it's going to change the relationship a lot. It'll make it real. This is the first time that living together could be in the immediate future instead of the distant future. We met in college, dated for a year, and then went our separate ways only to reconnect every few months. We've been through a lot and I feel pretty serious about him. But the fact that we've allowed each other to date other people has led to a lot of jealousy and hurt feelings.

I haven't gotten real serious about J, but am hesitant to break it off with him because M's plans are still tentative. In fact, until M said he would be moving nearby, I was ready to say that now would be a good time to end things with M. M knows I am seeing someone right now but is fine with this as long as, if he were to move to my area, I would end that relationship.

This all just seems like a messy recipe for heartbreak for all parties. I am tired of dating other people only casually but still feel strongly for M.

So, what should I do? Should I continue dating other people? Tell J about M?

How should I act toward a female friend after she rejected my romantic advance?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 11:30:27 -0800

I'm ashamed to say that, even though I'm in my mid 20s, I'm still very inexperience at this relationship thing. Recently I just met this amazing girl who I really like. Unfortunately, after trying for couple months thing didn't worked out. She rejected my advance citing I'm not acting the way she thought I should, and she found another guy she really like. Now what? So far what I had done is try to be friend with her. We still go out for dinner and etc. At this point I'm not romantically interested in her anymore because I realized we are not compatible and I don't want to go crazy thinking about her everyday. Today she mentioned to me that I changed into another person. I'm not the same as when I'm still pursuing her. I would reject her invitation to road trips and "not as nice" to her as before . She doesn't like it. I'm not too happy to hear that because I don't feel I changed into another person just because she's no longer my romantic interest. I'm still trying very hard to just be her "friend" instead of the guy who is infatuated with her. What should I do now?

It's never been an if we break up, but when?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 13:12:13 -0800

It's never been an if we break up, but a when... so *when* do I need to pull the plug? (If this is TL;DR - skip to last sentence) I have been going out with someone for nearly 10 months now. From the beginning, I have been pretty clear that I'm not in it for the long-haul, and have eventually diverging plans. In the meantime, we've both discussed that it's really nice to 'have someone' to cuddle, go to things with, have sex etc, we'd both been kind of lonely, and it's nice to have something kind of healthy. We have a pretty relaxed time, partly because I'm not worried about incompatibilities that would strain a longer-term relationship.
But... I keep worrying that it is getting too serious, and serious would equal more pain at breakup, and, well, I'd like to avoid as much of that as possible.
I have never once considered this to be a 'long-long term' thing.
I asked point blank recently if they thought they were getting more involved, and said that I eventually wouldn't 'be here' and were they still ok with this?
And they replied that they are just 'Taking it as it comes'.
Ok, good. They are an adult, they are fully aware of the situation, and have made their own choice...
But jezulbub! Who the hell is really an adult when their heart is involved?
I know *I* haven't been.
I still feel like the relationship is really hanging on me, like they would be happy with a long-long-long term relationship. And I? Well, I have a tendency to get 'stuck' in unsuitable long term relationships (when it turns out everyone, even their parents expected the breakup, and still *really* like me, it's just a bad match).
And it's getting towards Christmas, and if we are still together, then we'll be going together to my family, and their family. *And* our respective families are getting used to us, and more and more 'clucky' over us (also, in my experience, I can break up with a person, but I can't 'break up' with 'family', cue some unofficial 'nephews' to my name. Call it a personal flaw...). So, ah, basically I don't want to lead their *family* on?
And then there is New Years which we would be spending with their friends. Their friends are already saying things like - so, it's been 6, 9 months? Etc etc.
This. This seems... bad. Am I being paranoid?
If I felt reassured that I wasn't being a dick, it'd be fine, I'd just drift along as usual, I just keep wondering when exactly I should get off this boat.

Further info, my alternate plans for New Years - I just go hiking with a couple of close friends.

Regardless, there are also several post New Years events that for other reasons, we can't go to together (weddings, gatherings).

So, should I just take them at their word, stick with a good/comfortable thing? Should I instead, break up?
Alternating viewpoint, would it be more painful to be broken up with BEFORE or AFTER Christmas/New Years?

I don't want to be Betty Draper

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:35:49 -0800

My seemingly happy and egalitarian relationship actually feels like Mad Men. Can I stop it? We started out as an egalitarian couple. He would come over, I would cook, he would do dishes. Costs of dates were split, and now we have a joint account for shared expenses since we live together. There is no drama or fighting in our relationship and it appears superficially as one of equals.

From the inside it no longer feels that way. His attention drifted away from me gradually over six months after we started living together. He had me around whenever he wanted, so I dropped to the bottom of his priority list. I have a regular 9-5 job, but he is a graduate student and keeps weird hours. He stopped coming home for dinner most nights, and will only come home to eat with me if I cook and say that I want to eat together, and he doesn't have some urgent meeting or project.

We won't go out on a one-on-one date unless I say specifically "I want to do X, not with our friends." Otherwise most outings are for social events, not for us. Forget presents, surprises, or other romantic gestures. I don't ask for these things because I'll probably be let down, and more importantly it would make me sound like a gold-digger. It would ruin the idea that I am a cool, low-maintenance girlfriend who is interested in a relationship based on mutual support.

I have said I feel undervalued. I do 75% of the work of having a life together. I make him coffee every morning, and I went to pick him up from campus the other night because it was raining hard and I didn't want him to have to walk. The last time I needed to go to urgent care because of an arm injury, I drove myself with the bad arm because he was too busy to drive me.

I am fine with this in the short term because I have a little more free time than him, so I don't mind chipping in more than 50% to help him finish his PhD, but it goes mostly unacknowledged that I do this, even though I have pointed out twice that I want some (any!) recognition for sacrificing for his academic and personal success.

He says he knows he hasn't been good at that, but he wants to improve. He still feels the same about me, it's just graduate school. All I get is verbal praise, and since his actions fail to change, I'm starting think he's insincere.

But, if I protest any more strongly, I'm ruining every idea of who I am as a woman and how I should behave in relationships. I'd be a nag, the pathetic kind of super-woman who has to micromanage everything and doesn't have an emotionally equal relationship because she bargains for chores or material goods. She can't get what she wants without whining or drama or manipulation. I thought if I was just kind and relaxed (like I was at the start) I would get my needs taken care of.
Now I don't think I can get that out of my current relationship, and I doubt I'll get it anywhere else.

I don't know how to get what I want in a way I respect. I've tried asking nice, and it hasn't worked. Any other way (bargaining with more sex, withholding or increasing affection to "train" him, threatening to end an otherwise satisfying relationship unless he shapes up) is despicable and manipulative.

Do I give up with this person and hope one day I'll meet someone who's going to respond to me as an equal? Is there any way to save it without making demands that destroy the concept of having a relationship that's naturally balanced and caring?

Receiving hospitality hospitably

ramenopres — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:38:13 -0800

How do I help people understand that I am satisfied? Lately there has been a problem of people thinking (I assume) that I'm not satisfied. This has happened in the context of staying in someone's home and at a job: they ask over and over again if I'm all right, if they can do anything else to make me happy, to just let them know if I want anything. Normally I say "Yes" and "I will certainly let you know" and the person who's asking doesn't ask again and we go about our lives. And if I need something I say so. But in these two cases, it seems like something wasn't convincing them. These are people who were responsible for my well-being to an extent, socially or professionally.

Conversations go like this: Them: "How are you? Are you enjoying it here? Do you need anything?" Me: "I'm great! Yes, I really like it here. It's so (relevant adjectives) __, __ and __. No, I don't need anything. But I will definitely let you know if I do." Normal guest-host stuff.

Them, the next day: "Hey, seriously, if you need anything, let me know. I mean it. I want you to be happy/comfortable/etc." Me: "Oh, yes. (More concrete examples of how and why I'm satisfied.) I will let you know." Rinse and repeat. After two or three times, it starts to feel weird, like they're not convinced. Like they haven't fulfilled their host duties, when in my view they have.

It comes to the point where I start feeling really paranoid, like maybe they know something I don't. I've considered making up needs or quirks just so that these people feel like they are serving me in some way, but that's a little crazy, right? (Right? Or is that the easiest way out of this? ALTHOUGH I have done this -- expressed a preference for something -- and it helped, but didn't solve the problem.)

I tend to be a very content person. I like to accept life and learn new things, and I love to try to be positive. In a new place, I also really like to see how things work before deciding what my needs are going to be. So many needs aren't really needs, right? I've been loving simplicity lately. And every place has its own unspoken cultural rules. And every person and place has a different interpretation of people coming in and speaking up right away about how they want it to be. I'm saying this from personal experience.

And if I'm being hosted somewhere, I want to make the host's job as easy as possible by letting them know when I'm good and when I'm not. If something isn't a really big deal, I might not mention it right away. Is that unreasonable?

If there is someone in your life who has seemed to you like they were not content and maybe need encouragement to voice it, what was it that made you think that? What shows you that they are content? And if you have been in my position, can you tell me what the heck is going on?

Poetry to help me through my first breakup.

yaymukund — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:13:48 -0800

What poetry has brought you comfort after a breakup? It was my first relationship, she broke up with me, but I think it was for the best. Derek Walcott's Love After Love really resonates with what I'm feeling right now. Nothing depressing or bitter, please. Thanks, Metafilter.

I like you but.... =0/

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 14:18:34 -0800

I have been dating a variety of people, for various lengths of time, for about two years now, however I dont seem to like anyone in the special way which would allow me to enter into a full-fledge relationship with them. Is this normal or is this just a case of being too picky? I am a 25 (almost 26) year old male who already has been in two long-term relationships. One lasted four years the other one, which ended about two years ago lasted three. The ending of this particular relationship was very hard on me but after going through some therapy (and reading lots of meta-filter questions) I got over it. After this period of self-reflection was completed, I started dating.

At first it was liberating because even though I was 24 years old this was my first chance to ever play the field as a grown up. Since then I have dated a variety of people and I have had what I can describe as "fun" times. However the itch to get back into a relationship again is coming back but now the problem is that it doesnt seem that anybody that I am dating or have dated so far fits the bill.

I think that my list can be considered short: all I want is somebody that I am physically attracted, happens to have a nice personality that is compatible with mine and is also free of baggage (i.e no babies). Also it would be nice if this person is educated and doing something with their life.

However all I get is the following:

1) Physically-attractive: 90% of the time they have no soul or personality (yet somehow are attracted to me), or the other 10% of the time they are pretty AND nice but somehow I mess it up by being overly enthusiastic (I am definitely working on this)

2) Nice people who I like to be with but for some reason or another I am not physically attracted to (even if they are physically attractive to most other males).

Because of who I am, I find myself 75% of the time dating people in the second category, I really want to meet someone and hope that even if I dont like them initially after getting to know them my feelings will change. This is not happening however and it is breaking my heart as I am currently dating someone who I really like but after three months of being with her I could tell that she likes me a whole lot more than I like her and I just wish I felt the same way. Because of this, I am going to have to stop seeing her as I dont want to mislead her.

Hive, please help me? Am I asking for too much? Am I too shallow? Is it normal and ok to keep on holding out for whatever my idea of the "right person" is?

Is it time to go even if it hurts to do so?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:13:52 -0800

Is it time to move on? Long story. We've been together for 4 years and we both love each other deeply. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about her and she has communicated a similar feeling to me. Over the course of our relationship we have by and large gotten on without issue save for her inability to get things done. This manifests in things like leaving dishes out for days (that I eventually do), not making it places on time, waiting til the last minute to get papers done for school, not doing things she promised to do and so on. For a while all of this was overlookable because so many other aspects of the relationship are great. Now that shes back in school more seriously we have very little time together and this habit is infringing on the small amount of time that we do have. I've told her that I feel like she isn't being considerate of my needs when she puts off projects that mean she can't do things with me or doesn't come home when she says she will from being out doing other things. I don't feel like she is consciously making these choices in a selfish fashion, its more just that she doesn't see that they impact me.
I am by nature a care-giver. I derive the majority of my happiness from taking care of other people and making them feel loved. The past 6 months or so however I've been struggling with depression again and I need more care from her. I've communicated this to her over and over and yet she hasn't changed her behavior.
I am stuck here. She isn't being malicious, but I can't get her to be less of a space cadet and be places on time or schedule her time such that she can give me what I need in the very limited time we have together. We keep getting caught in this cycle where I get stressed and communicate my need for more attention from her which in turn stresses her out because she hates being the source of my dissatisfaction yet can't seem to change her behavior.
A few days ago a conversation related to this topic turned into "well, despite loving each other maybe we just aren't right for each other." While my frustrations are still present this is devastating to me. She is my best friend and my other half and I'd much rather be frustrated than without her. Am I a fool for feeling this way about someone who just can't give me what I need despite repeated requests? Should I just let go even if its not what I want?
Followup questions can go to itsathrowawayemailaccount@gmail.com

Having a very selfish birthday?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 13:48:46 -0800

Should I celebrate my birthday alone in a nice vacation spot or with my bf back at home? My bf and I will be heading to a nice vacation spot for the holidays this year. Since my birthday falls at the very tail end of our vacation, I was hoping to stay in the vacation spot a day longer and spend my birthday there. Unfortunately, my birthday also falls on the very first day back to work after the holidays. My bf is adamant that it is very important for him to be back for work rather than stay an extra day on vacation. (He is the sr mgt at the company and they will be doing a kick-off of sorts after the holidays.)

If I let him know he should go back in time for work, but that I will be staying an extra day on vacation (despite having to spend it alone, without him), would this be a selfish request?

I know that he'll find my request strange and will not want me to be alone on my birthday, but I'd like to see what the common sentiment is on balancing self (wanting my birthday to be in a nice spot) versus the relationship (going back early because of my bf's work situation and celebrating with him that night).

ripe for the pickens

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:03:50 -0800

The man I am in a relationship with and I had sex for the first time last night. I like this man. He has many great qualities. However, I am fairly smell conscious. When I suspect sex is involved I shower, thoroughly out of preference and consideration for my lover...however last night there was an issue. He had bad breath and body odor, to put it gently, in more than one area. How do I handle this situation without offending? How does one nicely say; brush your teeth and shower before we go on a date or plan to have sex? This could be a deal breaker for me if I can't figure it out.

I've accidentally been leading a friend on.

brenton — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:59:47 -0800

Help me clean up a complicated friend-triangle before it becomes a messy love-triangle. Ok, context: three classmates (John, Jane and Jannet) at my grad school and I have become very close this semester. The four of us hang out almost every day.

The problem is that Jannet thinks that she and I have a thing going. I guess you could say I have been leading her on... but it's more complicated than that.

I actually like Jane a lot, but Jane likes John (who likes her, but may not be entirely serious about it). So the result is that Jane, who doesn't want to lead me on, has sort of been avoiding me and being close to John when the four of us hang out, which leaves Jannet and I together all the time. Like whenever we sit down, John is on the end next to Jane, then Jannet, then I. It's just the social dynamic of the group leaves Jannet and I paired. Since the four of us spend hours together every day, it has been looking like Jannet and I are "an item" and I was oblivious to it until recently. It seems I am always the last one to know about these sort of things.

I dearly love all three of these people in the most platonic sense, crushes aside. I don't want things to become weird, but I don't want Jannet to be hurt either. I feel that she deserves more than the cold shoulder.

What should I do? I'm not going to act on my feelings for Jane at any foreseeable point in the future. I love Jannet dearly, but not in a romantic way. How do I gently make it clear to her that there is nothing happening between us? Or should I do something else entirely?

Help create more frequent long-distance communication

eleanna — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:29:20 -0800

How can I make it easier for my boyfriend to contact me more often while we are long-distance? So, for the next 6-8 months, boyfriend and I are long distance. He is very good at communicating in person, so I'm not worried about this continuing once we're back in the same area, and I have no doubt that he cares about me, etc., but in the past, when we've been away from each other, he has been less communicative than I would like.

We've talked about it, and it's pretty clearly not an issue of wanting to. Part of it is his living situation (he lives with some good male friends and they tend to get caught up playing video games; he also has very little privacy and problems with the Internet connection extending to his bedroom) and part of it is working situation (he's currently working 2 jobs; 16 hour days). Talking on the phone has been more difficult because he has some sort of horrendous prepaid phone plan that he frequently forgets to refill (or, towards the end of the month, can't afford to).

I would like to talk 2-3 times a week; I have a more flexible schedule so when is within his control. We have been talking more like once every 2 weeks.

We are both on a low budget, me due to being in school; him due to problems finding a job that pays enough to live on. What can I do to make it easier for us to talk?

It's pretty clear after talking with him that it's not a lack of wanting to nor a sign of relationship issues; just...something that is not as easy for him as it could be. I am willing to be creative/spend a limited amount of money (because I have a limited amount) to help.

Complication: It is very important to boyfriend that he be perceived as competent and capable and he typically likes to solve everything himself, so whatever I do needs to be in such a way that it helps, rather than hurts.

Suggestions?

What is a better gift for my recently laid-off girlfriend?

smoothvirus — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:09:41 -0800

One for the ladies - should I get my unemployed girlfriend some nice jewelery, or some nice green cash? So I've been dating my current girlfriend for more than three months now and things are going really well. But, she got laid off a couple of weeks ago, and she's worried about paying her rent come January if she has not found anything.

I have been in the jewelery store looking at some nice things in the $100-$200 range but have not purchased anything yet, her birthday is tomorrow. I am planning on taking her to a nice dinner tomorrow, but now that I've thought about it a bit, she might appreciate a little cash in lieu of a nice pendant.

Just for the record, her job search is going well, she has four interviews just this week. She's never been laid off/unemployed before, but I have and I never got that many interviews in a week. So I'm proud of her. She's been very worried but I have been very reassuring. I know she'll be fine.

The girl I love bought a house I hate - now what?

xbonesgt — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:06:05 -0800

We're in love! That's great! She bought a house yesterday with zero input from me whatsoever! That's crappy! What does it mean, and what do I do now? This past weekend my girlfriend closed on a house. I really really dislike this house for a number of reasons, which aren't especially relevant here. But what I'm having a very hard time dealing with, and maybe this is selfish of me, is that we've been dating for a while and have both hinted that this may be it for both of us yet I was not asked for input or opinions at all during the whole process. The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted". I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.

We had a big ol' mutual cryfest immediately after we finished moving her in last night, during which she said that she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off. This was the first I'd heard of it; I'm usually pretty slow when it comes to stuff like this but I really don't think it was a case of missed signals this time. The most I'd gotten out of her before yesterday was an occasional "you're great" or "you make me really happy" while she's giving me a hug and a kiss. I've told her in the past that I'm in love with her. I didn't quite get the response I was looking for ("mm good I'm glad"), which is why I'd been hesitant to volunteer any thoughts or opinions during her homebuying process. If it's not definite that I'm going to be around, then I'm not going to try to influence her in something important like this. But now that I know how she feels about me, I'm wondering why she couldn't've told me sooner; I don't know if it's a case of relationship inexperience or if she just likes the idea of being with somebody and isn't quite ready to end things yet. As far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this, if not especially open or forthcoming. When we were talking after our last minor tiff (which occurred before she found this house), one of the things I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for. Apparently she can't or won't do that.

A couple of other facts which may or may not be relevant: I'm 28, she's 24. We met about a year ago and have been dating for eight months. Neither of us have been married before, and she's only had one or two "real" relationships in the past. I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years. We both agree that we don't want to go too much longer without living together. We get along fine with each other in every way apart from this one (big?) problem I'm having.

I guess my question is, is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me? Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with? Does she not want or need me to be around and is trying to show that by taking this thing on by herself, or is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love? Should I forget about it and just go live in a cave in Mongolia?

Hope me, MetaFilter!

Help me not be a psychogirl.

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:23:04 -0800

I'm exhibiting behaviors typically attributed to the architypal "psychogirl." And I hate it. Another complicated relationshipfilter (I know, I know). Ok. I dated a guy last year, who was (and is) seemingly everything I want in a guy: independent, funny, handsome, ambitious, financially independent, creative & scientifically minded.

Problem: he just could not cut his severely close emotional ties to his ex, and would habitually come to the her rescue— even for little things she was capable of doing herself. This obviously started grating on me. (Caveat: I am ALL FOR being friends with exes, but the ties that keep you thisclose need to be severed for real friendship to occur.)

So at that point, we were about 5 months in, and he dropped a casual, "I think I might love you," right dead smack in the middle of a conversation and let it go. Never talked about it again. And I didn't have the chance to respond.

So about a month later, this bombshell was starting put me on edge and felt I needed to respond. I was starting to get nervous about the "where is this going/why won't he just let the ex go" type stuff. I was thinking about him obsessively (for me, anyway), and started distrusting him. I decided to grow a set and just tell him I loved him. Which I did. It did not go well.

He needed more time, so I gave him that. Meanwhile, I had started birth control, which evidently TURNS ME INTO A LUNATIC. The symptoms of lunacy came on gradually and imperceptibly, and pretty soon I was acting as close to pregnant as I have ever gotten. Obsessive, weepy, naggy, needy, frustrated, etc. And neither of us could figure out why I was acting like that. (DUH.)

BUT! Let's recap. I, at that point, was dealing with:
1.) an omnipresent ex
2.) potentially (??) unrequited feelings
3.) the birth control from hell

I couldn't stand it anymore- I was losing it. So we broke it off, I cried for multiple months, went to therapy, got healed, went off the birth control. Those were awful, awful months for me. A "turning point in life" type of awful.

Eventually, a year later, everything became clear, as it often does with hindsight. I did not like the situations we were in, but I can't help feeling that I would have dealt with them exponentially better without the birth control. (NO SHIT.) And I also believe the situations have changed, as in the ex is no longer so much in the picture.

Cue to about a week ago: I ran into him (after about a year) and we got to talking. Which led to dinner, which led to drinks, which led to him confessing that he misses me, joking about being brought back together, and telling me he never stopped thinking about me. I essentially responded with, "Whatever, buddy," but didn't exactly throw a drink in his face either.

So now it's on my mind. Great. He called to tell me that he'd had a great time that night, then went incommunicado. And I'm kind of getting back into the mild psycho-y habit of "where the hell is he? Why hasn't he called? What is he doing? I see he's online..." And I hate it. Severely. It's just not me.

So, my elevator speech questions are these:
1.) If he pursues, should I respond? Does he get another chance? (If so, No. 2 still needs to be fixed.)
2.) How in god's name do I just stop being a psychogirl, whatever the answer to no. 1 is? I want to not think about him, live my very busy life, and just take it a day at a time.

#Help, Mefi!

If you have follow-up questions, email at: recycle.not.throw.away@gmail.com

Long Term Relationship Advice

xopaigexo — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 22:51:53 -0800

Long Term Relationship Advice My boyfriend and I have been going out nearly 10 months. We have our ups and downs, not too many downs. We get along really well as we were good friends before dating but i still find that i learn new things about him all the time. Not really good or bad things, just things that make me realize how normal he is. (Not perfect like he seemed at the beginning, and not a a** like he seemed for a little while after that). Still, I wonder if he ever takes a step back and thinks about the relationship as a whole, like I do. I'm a deep thinker, and im also insightful of why other people act and say what they do. I dont really talk about these things with him, so I dont know if he does think about things deeply or not.
I brought this up because I got kinda upset with him tonight, and it made me think of something even bigger. But anyways, I got a bit upset with him because I've been with family and friends for the past few days, and so has he. i've been pretty busy, but I still make an effort to talk to him at night or in the morning, just to say hi or whatever. I'll text him (yeah i know texting is lame, dont give me hell about it), and he'll kinda give me a quick response, like he has something he wants to get back to, and then the conversations pretty much over. That's how it's been the past couple of days. I'm just really not used to it being like that, because generally we see each other almost every day. I tried talking about it with him tonight, saying that i feel dumb whenever im the only one trying to talk. I told him Im not mad, and that i want him to go enjoy his break, but that i just felt dumb because he would hardly respond to me. I tried to say what i meant so that he would understand that im not mad, which is what brought me to thinking if he thought in that way.
Then, he said to me, like it was no big deal,"Well maybe i didnt wanna talk?" He made it sound like it was completely normal, and maybe it is, i dont know, but i hate how he assumes that i completely and totally understand him. I try to spell things out for him when im upset because i know he doesn't completely understand me when im like that, though he thinks he knows me inside out. Of course, when he said he didn't feel like talking, i said without thinking,"Well text me when you feel like talking then." It felt dumb, having this debate over text message.
He's the kind of person who just goes with things mostly. I havent been able to be like that because of deadlines, alot of stress, etc. He has deadlines too but he just seems to take things like that so much better than i do.
I guess im asking a number of things right now. Do guys who are in long term relationships ever really step back and think of their relationship as a whole, or do they mostly just go with things? Is it normal for a guy to simply not want to talk? Why does my boyfriend just "assume" that i understand things without even telling me? (iffy) And one last: What should I do about the fact that I told him,"Text me when you feel like talking then"? I know I overthink things, I am OCD and keep it nearly all to myself, but what if he...doesn't? Should i just text him, or wait until he texts me? Im not very good at being upset with people, i hate anticipation...help?

I should break up with my girlfriend but how do I manage to do that?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:04:10 -0800

RelationshipFilter: I think I should break up with my girlfriend of 4 years but I'm not sure how. This is my second relationship and the first one's break up doesn't really count as experience. I missed Human Relationships 102. Please, help me. Every time this kind of question appears in AskMeFi the most common answer is 'Just tell her'. And I agree, I should just tell her. But I'm not sure how to do it.

I love her dearly as a friend but I no longer 'love' her romantically and I know she deserves someone who does. Sometimes it almost feels like having a friend with benefits, which sucks because I feel I'm deceiving her. So yeah, I should break up with her.

However, we see each other almost every day as we're classmates and it feels weird to act as a couple one day and the next break up. I think it was much easier to break up with my ex-gf because we didn't see each other as often and I wasn't so confused about what to do.

I don't even know how to start the conversation. For example, if we get together today, should I kiss her to greet her?, avoid doing it (and therefore jump-starting the conversation?)?. And then what? Go somewhere to talk? Just break up in the street? Should I wait until we talk about our relationship (it happens sometimes)?

In other words, I have *no* idea how to do this at all.

Something else (and I'm sorry about the length) that worries me is that she's very emotional and this may affect her in her performance at college so maybe I should wait until the end of the academic year which is more or less a month away. I wouldn't mind waiting (that sounds so wrong) because of that and because I'm scared too still... I don't know what to do.

Throwaway mail: throwawaymail124124@gmail.com

Have you taken back your mentally ill partner and wish you hadn't? Or wish you had?

Toto_tot — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:33:02 -0800

Do you do this? How do I escape the pattern of going back to, because I can't resist helping, my (I think) mentally ill (or unstable/intense) husband. See, he's not all bad... Do you regret going back? Do you wish you had? My husband of 17 years is one of those very smart, creative, super-funny people that are sometimes (not all the time) crazy. When I met him we were both had theater and music careers. I'd never met anyone like him and he pursued me to another country. We married, worked in the arts together, and had a child. Let me say this off the top, he is an awesome father.

But he is also the most 'intense' person I have ever met and I have, as my therapist says, "managed" him from the beginning. You know the dysfunction--making sure I never made him too mad, making sure he was okay with whatever we were doing... etc. He was a pothead and when angry, intensely angry (never physically). But he's also funny and smart... etc, right, you know....

By the time my daughter was four, I had basically checked out, was on the way out the door, when he woke up to that fact and got sober. He's been sober for 8 years. It's weird though, he's always held it up as an example of how he changed for the sake of the marriage and 'where was my change?'

Anyway, blah blah blah there were good times and hard times. He really stepped up and became an excellent husband and father. But I still sometimes managed him (his anger was under control), and watched as he seemed to build resentments and destroy relationships outside of the marriage, work relationships more than personal.

Flash forward to this past spring and summer where we had one friend die super young (42) and another diagnosed with cancer. He had the pressure of finishing his Masters... He stopped sleeping, became hypomanic, destroyed one of the most valuable professional relationships he had, displayed (mild but definite) delusions of grandeur.

Then 2 months ago he started an affair with a woman half his age (44 and 23) and left me in a frightening, explosion of verbal abuse witnessed by our 13year old. He set up a place of his own and she practically lived there. He has started drinking again, although I don't know how much.

That wasn't enough for my co-dependent self to call it quits. And now that it's settling down, and he can see that he and this woman have nothing in common, I am faced with the decision of taking him back.

And of course now he is smart and insightful and penitent. And of course I understand that I am certainly culpable in any relationship problems that led to an affair. Our daughter misses him. And I still love him. I do.

I believe that he is an undiagnosed bipolar and/or some other personality disorder and so how can I leave him? IF HE GETS HELP, how can I turn away? And the more depressed and distraught he becomes the more I feel sorry for him and can't imagine also taking his family away from him. Yes, I can suck it up and work on our marriage--I know I can--and I know that it will be good and bad again, like all marriages. But what if it all goes horribly wrong again in three years... Trust is definitely an issue, along with the list of resentments toward me that he has dredged up in our arguments and discussions. But those are issues for couples therapy....??? I am already seeing someone on my own, as is our daughter.

Anyone out there have a similar experience? Take your partner back and wish they hadn't or turned away and wish they hadn't? I miss him but I'm also kinda relieved. More than anything, I feel like I'm dying inside on a daily basis.