Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Perfectionism

Is having "it" together an unrealistic goal?

dumbledore69 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:44:47 -0800

As a 30-year old who is a part-time grad student and a full-time office worker, are my goals to get control over my life (weight loss, finances, home, work, etc) really unrealistic? Is there a way to just be NORMAL and balanced, or is it really just normal not to really have things together, even as an adult? I am a 30-year old woman, and while working through a number of issues (depression, anxiety, ADHD) I have come to realize that I am deeply unhappy with how I manage my life. I thought medication, which does help, was going to be a magic bullet somehow, but of course that was kind of a stupid assumption for me and I still have a lot of the same issues.

So...the things I am most unhappy about are:

1) My weight. I need to lose at least 80 lbs, but probably more like 100. My general physical health (blood pressure, cholesterol levels, etc) are fine, but I think I've got a genetic disposition towards diabetes and cancer, so I feel like my healthy days are numbered if I don't get things under control. Plus I'm endlessly depressed that I have to wear plus-sized clothing and get these awesome doses of extra low self esteem (to supplement my generally low self-esteem) every time I remember how fat I am because of pictures of me that suck or clothes that don't fit or things I can't do because of my weight. I know that I *can* lose weight, and I have (but regained most of it). Sometimes I get really into my weight, and when it's my top priority, I lose it. But then when I try to focus on something else important, I gain it back because I lose focus of whatever isn't my current pet project.

2) My house. Unless my obsession du jour is cleaning/organizing, I am a slob. When my house is clean, it's very very clean. And it makes me so happy to have it clean. I can't accept that I am a slob, because I feel so stressed when my house is messy, and I can't find things or have people over. I love being home when my house is clean, and I generally enjoy cleaning tasks, believe it or not.

3) My finances. I have also made good progress in paying off some of my credit card debt ... it was $17k, and now it's down to $11k. But I still feel like there are times when I'm really good about money and think before I purchase something and don't spend more than I have budgeted, and there are times when I am focused on other things and go crazy and spend what I want to (or feel that I need to) without regard for the big picture or the balance in my checking account. Some months I pay a large chunk of debt off, and some months I amass hundreds of dollars in overdraft fees because I was focused on something else (like losing weight ... in a weight-loss fueled time period, I'll spend a lot more on groceries and fitness gadgets and workout clothes and justify the spending because "I deserve whatever will help me lose this weight!"). I badly just want to pay off all this debt and be able to stick to my budget.

4) Work ... I get distracted at work, I am sure often because of my ADHD and some perfectionistic tendencies towards my larger projects (and resulting anxiety), but I also tend to get distracted by my current obsession (weight, organizing, cleaning, etc). I just want to be able to focus on WORK at work, all the time, or at least most of the time. And then when I leave work, I'd like to not think about it much anymore (within reason, at least). When I get into SUPER AWESOME WORKER ME mode, I tend to obsess, bringing work home, and just thinking about it all the time. And I might let other things slip because I'm so focused on making things as comfortable and easy as possible for me to do the best work I can.

5) Mood. Not sure if this belongs in this list, because I don't have a history of obsessing about this. But because of all the stress and frustration and all, I know I need to make taking care of my emotional health and mood a higher priority. My plans have been to set aside Sundays to do fun/relaxing things instead of errands / homework / chores, unless I absolutely have to. And making more time to just READ. And I know exercise and supplements will help, too, just like they will with weight.

In talking to both friends and a therapist, a common thread is that they think my expectations for myself are unrealistic and that I need to pick and choose priorities. My argument is that all of my expectations are vital and that I cannot drop any of them.

Also, it's not like I've never tried to focus on one or two goals at a time. I mean, I'm always trying to fix the things I am unhappy about, as I've mentioned above. At any given time, I feel obsessively focused on fixing one area of my life. And I do GREAT at it.

Like, last winter I was all about weight loss. I lost 40 lbs and 2 sizes in about 2-3 months by doing an hour of hard cardio a day, plus yoga twice a week, plus eating very regimented, pre-portioned Weight Watchers-pointed meals. I was a superstar, right until I simultaneously burned out on weight loss and panicked the hell out about something else I dropped the ball on, my finances.

I quickly got all psyched about fixing my budget, so I worked to correct the damage to my bank account caused during the weight loss bit (having spent a lot on assorted special diet foods and supplements, lots of workout clothes, etc), amassed and paid up any neglected bills, automated a lot of my bills, eliminating some expenses, and just doing a really good job there, and learning about finances a bit. It was great until it came time to maintain that. Then it was boring and I was off to the next thing.

It frustrates me so much, and the more I learn about ADHD the more it seems to make sense that I do this. I love the excitement of swooping in and making great plans and implementing them and getting stimulated over sparkling challenges and quick rewards.

But I can't live like this anymore. I just want to work on making some moderate changes to all of these parts of my life. Everyone keeps telling me to PICK something to focus on, and I'm scared of that. I think it's just going to land me right back where I always am ... obsessed with something until it's no fun anymore.

Can't I just be a NORMAL chick who is at a reasonable weight (I don't need to be really skinny, I just want to be in normal US Misses sizes!), who does work consistently, who keeps a reasonably neat house, and who can spend money and save money like a grown up? And who isn't a total basketcase all the time?

I just feel like what I want for myself isn't unrealistic, and that I just need to find a way to build moderate habits in all areas at once, building on them until I get close to my goals. But at the same time, it almost seems like having your shit together is an unreasonable expectation to everyone else.

So what do I do? Do I really have to drop some of my expectations? Or is there a way I can get closer to where I want to be?

Doing "enough to get by" vs. "hard work"

jnnla — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:32:43 -0800

When is it actually worth it to attempt to do any better than average? :::A disclaimer::: The nature of my question may frame me as an "underachiever." Not true. I understand the value of hard work and not cutting corners - trying to the best of ones ability to get a job done right. My question has more to do with going beyond "trying hard" to the point where "hard work" seems to be producing diminishing returns - insofar as time, money and energy are concerned. Hours of overtime keeping people away from their home, their exercise, and their relationships in order to get something that is already "good enough" (like...the client will pay for it) to "perfect" seems to me to be a waste.

____

I work in an industry where perfectionism runs rampant. In most cases 'Good Enough' for the client isn't 'Good Enough' for my peers - and going that extra 10 percent in pursuit of perfection usually involves considerable amounts of time, energy and overtime - which I personally see as reprehensible.

So...

Are there studies that show that the extra 10 or 20 percent of work actually contributes that much to your overall return on energy? Is striving for average rather than striving for perfection better for the bottom line (as I suspect it is)?

Also, on an individual level...are there any studies that indicate that going "above and beyond the call of duty" actually results in more overall objective success. Will working OT, taking on extra work, doing more than is expected of you ACTUALLY, OBJECTIVELY pay off when contrasted with doing just enough to get by?

I already know that anecdotal evidence suggests this to be the case, but I suspect that perhaps objective data might challenge this notion. Maybe I'm wrong....but I'd LOVE to be right.

How can I become less absent minded?

emilyd22222 — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:34:07 -0800

How can I become less absent minded? I am in the first two months of a competitive doctoral program in which success is determined by subjective evaluations by faculty, which are based on all interactions they have with us. There have been a couple of instances lately that have demonstrated my tendency to be a bit spacey, and I'm concerned that these things keep happening despite my best efforts. I think part of this is that the constant evaluation makes me very self-conscious and anxious. I tend to be a perfectionistic and fairly anxious person anyway, so I'm probably blowing these things out of proportion, but it has been made clear to me that if these things keep happening, I'm in trouble in the program. Otherwise, I'm doing well and making good impressions. How can I make sure that, in my effort to keep track of all the assignments and responsibilities I have, that the obvious, day-to day stuff (like what time my classes start) doesn't get forgotten? Also, how do I calm down about being constantly judged?

Examples:

-I got distracted by another responsibility and completely forgot to turn in a finished assignment when it was due, and ended up turning it in a day late.

-Today, even though I had been to this 9:30 am student-faculty meeting for the past six weeks, I somehow got it into my head that it started at 10 (that's when I have to be on campus most days). I made an ass of myself by opening the door to the meeting- early, I thought- and closing it right away because I thought I was interrupting an earlier meeting, after the faculty had seen me. I was too embarrassed and worried about being a further disruption to go back in.

-I was late to this same meeting last week because the bus apparently came early, so I missed it and took the next bus.

Any ideas are welcome.

Tripping on Calvinist guilt

brambory — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:49:39 -0800

Help me stop myself from turning into my dad: how do I manage daily guilt? What resources (books/websites/techniques) have you or someone you know used to manage guilt?

Some clarification:
I was raised in the grand Calvinist tradition where guilt was the oil that kept the machine in motion. My dad is a very guilt-ridden person (he still feels horrible about inviting himself to his neighbours' BBQ when he was 10), and I suspect that either nature or nurture (probably both) have passed this tradition of guilt on to me.

I had horrible stomach aches as a I child, mostly due to guilt about something that I had done/not done properly. These stomach aches and various gastro problems have followed me into adulthood. I recently took a 'work personality' questionnaire, which reported that my dominant personality characteristic was basically guilt and anxiousness. (In my defense, there were other strong characteristics too--just this one was the strongest). I've noticed that guilt is definitely present in my home life and relationships as well, and suspect both work and domestic life would be more enjoyable without it.

The type of guilt I'm talking about is the everyday 'perfectionist has failed' guilt--emails not replied to (guilt level: 2), typographical error (mine) in report boss presented to clients (guilt level: 3), completely forgot to be at home when someone was supposed to drop by (guilt level: 9).

I have a job I mostly enjoy, a great circle of friends, and a fantastic partner. I am generally happy and satisfied with my life (just not, it seems, with myself).

***I will be seeing a therapist in a few weeks for the first time. For now, I want to get a better idea of what my issues are and how I think I could manage them more effectively.***

how do I put a stake through the heart of the vampire of perfectionism?

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 13:00:51 -0800

How do I stop setting ridiculous expectations of myself and then either beating myself up when I don't meet them, or feeling more stressed during the process than is warranted? So I have a nasty perfectionist tendency that's ruining the fun of trying new things - I get frustrated really easily if I mess up or things don't go as easily as they should, feeling like a 5-year old in art class.

I have ADD (currently taking Adderall), but the Inattentive kind, which means that I've always had problems with following directions/processes - it takes me a bit longer, I write a lot of stuff down, forget things... so in professional life I struggle with "attention to detail." But I know I'm making things so much harder and less pleasant for myself by getting so frustrated that I'm not magically perfect. Please help me find ways to accept what I intellectually know - that learning something new or different requires a lot of trial and error, and you're never perfect on the first (or second, or third...) try.

Help me shut down my perfectionism in my creative writing

mizrachi — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 14:20:33 -0800

How do I kill the perfectionism, the precious and fearful impulses, and the self-doubt that keeps me from completing my creative writing projects. Usually, I can barely get beyond the first paragraph without constantly editing and reediting or doubting myself and then abandoning the piece altogether. I feel trapped. I'm constantly starting over. And when I do manage to squeak out a paragraph, I treat it like a genius work of art...which in the end I decided it absolutely is not. I'm either riddled with self-doubt or I'm totally over confident, all without producing completed work. Help!

Aim for the stars, then whatever you achieve you can feel like a failure.

Anonymous — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 06:28:04 -0800

What is 'good enough'? Reforming perfectionist wants to know. I have recently started treatment (medication and therapy) for what my doctor/psych describe as 'major depression', present since I was around 10 (now early 20s). Both of them think that a contributing factor is the pressure I put on myself to do well, and say that I should 'relax' and 'accept that I'm doing the best I can'. I'm not really a perfectionist (as I've never really done anything perfectly anyway) but I can't really imagine what else people aim for. How do you know you're 'doing your best'? Can't you always try harder?

Complication: I am one of those ridiculously lucky people who seem to be able to do anything. Academics, sports, music - I can pick up any area and do better than average without trying. Perhaps related: I don't try. It's so much effort, and why bother turning up to class/training to get fitter/whatever when I'm already better than most people and I probably can't be as good as the best? On the other hand, how can I possibly be happy with second class honours when I only attended two classes for the semester and did the assignments the night before, and it's only second class, and I might never get a good job because I don't have either excellent marks or good work habits?

Help me plan my career

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 17:38:57 -0800

Another "Help me plan my life" question... I have a wide variety of interests, and tend to like/enjoy most things. This complicates decisions career-wise, because I don't have an intense passion for anything, the way some people do. Also, I have a very driven, "always want to be best", overachieving personality, which has led me to my current position in investment banking. I've realized over the past year that this is only going to lead to unhappiness long-term, because like many perfectionists I am never satisfied. In the field that I am in, nearly everyone has this personality type, and everyone is very smart and talented. I don't want to work in an environment like this, because I end up prioritizing work over everything else, and I can see myself waking up in 10 years realizing that I've neglected family and friendships in pursuit of a career.

What I'd really like is a career that is intellectually stimulating, yet not uber-competitive. I'll try to explain. It seems that most jobs I've considered are EITHER filled with very competitive people, OR consist of mostly highly repetitive, boring work. For instance, I've considered med school - but the environment is similar to finance, both to get admitted and once you're in. I've thought about going to grad school for a Phd, but again, there is intense pressure to publish if you hope to get a job after school. I'm not worried about the difficulty of the programs - it's that when I put myself in situations where everyone is very driven to be the best, I can't let myself be "average", and I end up stressing myself out and neglecting other areas of my life. I have dealt with depression and anxiety, and my perfectionism fuels this. Neither of the career paths I mentioned as examples are "40 hour a week" jobs, where you work during the day and then go home and forget about it until the next day, which is what I think I need. Salary is not as important to me as having work that is fairly interesting/stimulating, although it would be nice to make enough for a middle-class lifestyle. I am willing to go back to school for training. Can you suggest careers, companies, or industries to look into?

GradSchoolFilter: I know I can... but I can't.

Anonymous — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 17:38:55 -0800

I'm a grad student. I like the subject(s) I'm studying, I like research, and I know I'm capable of doing the work... except when I sit down to actually do it, I choke. I know I'm not the only one suffering from both imposter syndrome and perfectionism - how do you manage to get your brain to stop spinning its wheels and get to work? My department is in the top 5 for its specialty, and I'm surrounded by very smart people. By all accounts, I am also a very smart person, but I'm having trouble believing in my own ability to comprehend and complete the work. Part of the problem is that my background is different from that of most people in my program. I haven't had some of the background classes that they have, so I have to work harder to make up for this. I'm not used to working hard - this article basically describes me, except that I didn't need to expend any effort until I got to grad school. I know that if I could just get myself to work through it I would be able to figure things out, but when I sit down to work, my mind crashes. Everything seems overwhelming and incomprehensible, I get anxious, and I don't even know what questions I could be asking to better understand the material. I end up procrastinating, which only makes things worse. Even things that I do get right away end up getting put off since my mind wanders whenever I start reading or writing.

On top of this, I have much higher standards for my work than I do for anyone else's. In my head, my work has to be brilliant. Anything less will reveal me to be as incompetent as my twisted mental image thinks I am. Unsurprisingly, I also have trouble asking questions or making comments in seminars/classes/meetings as I'm afraid of looking stupid. I can't count the number of times I've kicked myself for not saying anything when my unspoken comment or "guess" is vindicated by someone else actually willing to speak up.

I've been working on these (and other issues) with a therapist. I've also been consulting with a psychiatrist to see if medication might improve my concentration, but I'm increasingly of the belief that it's primarily psychological and that drugs won't help. I'm sick of feeling this way, and I can't keep going on like this if I expect to finish my degree. How can I get myself to push away my feelings of incompetence and fear so that I can just get to work? I know this is a common problem among graduate students, so there has to be a way to cope with it.

Things I've tried with little to no success: working on my time management skills (having a clean desk and set times to study don't help when your brain can't stop flagellating itself long enough to get anything done), breaking things into smaller pieces (see above - also, I sometimes don't even know where to make the first break), working with other students, working in different places, "fake it 'til you make it" confidence (pretending to believe in myself might help a bit socially, but I can't pretend to get work done). Questions and comments can be sent to: AnonMefiGrad@gmail.com

Help me let the muse in!

freshwater_pr0n — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 18:39:53 -0800

I have a huge mental block when it comes to writing songs that is the direct result of being ridiculed or sometimes even punished by my father when I was little. It's so bad that even when I try, a little voice in my head screams, "no, no, no!" and I just shut down. Freewriting is great, but I need to be able to ignore that voice even when I'm writing thoughtfully and paying attention to conventions like rhyme, rhythm and melody. I have plenty of ideas, but I need help learning how to get them out onto paper. Any ideas? And yes, I've seen some improvement by going to therapy, but you know, there's a time when you have to do stuff that's painful and hard even before you've morphed into a better, more confident version of yourself.

:(

howiamdifferent — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 23:35:55 -0800

how my perfectionism, indecisiveness, and depression are driving me mad. Help! I am driving myself insane!
For months now I have been struggling to make a decision. Basically, I have graduated last year with a Computer/communication engineering (with excellent marks) degree and am currently working as a specialist in a very well-known company in my country. The disadvantage is that the work is based in a city different from my hometown. This results in the following problems:
a) I am away from my family and sometimes feel lonely.
b) the cost of living here is insane!
c) the work, while promising, is kinda hard for me (it requires dealing with lots of people and I am somewhat an introvert).
d) a harsh and very demanding boss.

but..
a) it is a very promising career path. Especially that it's somewhat marketing-oriented in a company that is undergoing a major switch from being an engineering-oriented company to a marketing-oriented one.
b) living in a big city gives me access to things I can't access back home, like cultural events..etc.

After months of calling different people who can range from unfriendly to very sympathetic, I have been able to find a vacancy in my hometown in my current company's branch located there. Basically, it is an engineering supervision job where I supervise technicians who maintain equipment. Not a job to kill for, i know...

so the disadvantages are:
a) a seemingly dull job.
b) not much growth.
c) I will be able to eat healthy homemade food (prepared by my mom) as opposed to the terrible fast food diet I am stuck with here.

while the advantages:
a) same salary as my current salary, along with the very low cost of living means I will live very comfortably.
b) I will be close to my family who I love dearly.
c) the "big city" is an hour drive so I can still be involved in its thriving cultural scene.

For months now I've been battling indecisiveness and can't for the life of me make the decision. Being a perfectionist, and depressed (i am currently on prozac) is also not helping at all. To give you an example of my current misery: yesterday I called the relevant HR personnel and told her to go on with my transfer procedure. This morning I called her and told her to hold on. I am sure she now thinks I am nuts cause this was the 2nd time I've done so.

Help me please :(

Chasing grades

b33j — Thu, 24 May 2007 18:51:26 -0800

Chasing grades is no longer working for me. I feel terrible when I get less than perfect grade, even if I have put in a great effort, even if I get the next best grade. Yesterday I got an award for having the highest GPA in my cohort last year. I felt great. Today I got a Distinction on an assignment instead of a High Distinction. I'm miserable. That's stupid. I have no intention of going to grad school. My future career will depend on a decent portfolio rather than a GPA. I'm still afraid I won't be good enough to compete against young designers but that's a bridge to cross 18 months from now. I just don't know what's reasonable to aim for, to be happy with. Suggestions? Websites?

Details: Australia, distance education & mature age student, university, multimedia design, female, email in profile. Grading system as follows: Fail (>50%), pass (50-65%), credit(65-75%), distinction(75-85%), high distinction (85-100%)

Conquering perfectionism in a dissertation.

.kobayashi. — Sun, 14 Dec 2003 08:35:12 -0800

Conquering perfectionism. [more inside] So, I'm trying to write a dissertation, which is a long process. During this process, I've discovered that the only thing that's kept a latent case of severe perfectionism in check was the existence of serious severe deadlines. Now that I'm working at my own pace, my perfectionist tendencies are in full bloom. And while a touch of perfectionism is probably a good thing, this seems excessive. Every day I'm deleting as much as I'm writing (if not more) and, for months now, I've been reluctant to stop futzing with a chapter that seems only 95% finished to me. I know I'm holding myself to an unreasonably higher standard than necessary, but I can't seem to change that. It's slowing me down considerably, which is a terrible terrible thing.

What I'm asking for, from others who may struggle similarly, are tips on conquering perfectionism. How do you keep writing on the days when everything you type seems stilted? How do you convince yourself that a piece of work that maybe you're only sort-of satisfied with is nevertheless good enough to send along (to your advisor, your workshop group, your editor...)? Are there any good tricks I can use to keep my perfectionism from unduly slowing my rate of progress? (Self-imposed deadlines don't seem to be working.)