Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Mother

My mom changed her face.

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:27:32 -0800

I come back to Southern California for Thanksgiving and my mom has gotten idiotic plastic surgery. Please help me cope. My mother is in her mid-60s. She always looked 20 years younger, but never had self-confidence. In the last few years she has grown increasingly vain; paranoid about her relatives to the point of cutting off several that I liked; and convinced that something is wrong with her looks. In fact, she has refused for probably 15 years to let me photograph her.

Well, as of tonight it is now too late to photograph my lovely mom the way I remember her. This year she became obsessed with the idea that her average-sized chin and slight-overbite were betraying her double chin and retention water. Which is fine, I mean I guess I have heard of people getting facelifts (not that I would be thrilled about that either; I prefer people to age gracefully) but then she decided the answer was a chin implant.

She had the surgery without telling my brother and me. I found out about this 2 weeks via Gchat with my dad. The given excuse was that I was having such a hard time in life that they didn't want to make it worse. I hoped for weeks that she wouldn't look like Michael Jackson.

So I walk in the door for Thanksgiving, I am already going through a lot, and suddenly my mother's lower face looks like Sigourney Weaver's! I guess it may be swollen and will go down a bit, and maybe I am overreacting.

But still, I had to go outside and sob while my younger brother comforted me. (He was in town to introduce his first girlfriend ever, who looks like a normal curvy woman and not a plastic-surgery addict, btw, and whom I am afraid of scaring off if I freak out about this. I always thought, until now, that our family was sweet and normal.)

I realize it's her face, not mine. But my mom taught me growing up that looks don't matter. And it is basic to my sense of continuity that my mother, the person I was closest to growing up, not shapechange like fucking Odo from Deep Space 9.

Can you guys please help me deal with this? Who even gets "chin implants"--something my cyberchondriac mother has at one time or another tried to push on me or my brother? Am I right to be upset that my dad kept this from me?

How to handle Christmas stay envy?

Flitcraft — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:45:33 -0800

What's the best way to stand up to my mother about Christmas and to handle her jealousy about our better relationship with my partner's parents? She's determined to make the holiday season into a zero sum game with my partner's mother My partner and I originally set a rule of not going to either party's parents for Christmas, but doing our own thing instead- partly to have fun and partly to avoid my very difficult mother who goes into overdrive at Christmas. This worked until partner agreed that we should spend last Christmas with his parents, arguing that just because my mother is very difficult, his mother shouldn't be deprived. We weren't able to stop my mother finding out, and she's now trying to leverage it into guilting us into spending Christmas with her and my stepfather. When I say no, (and I'm going to) there's going to be a major tantrum about why she isn't getting the same treatment and she will cast up to me everything I/we've done with my partner's parents. The truth is, they're a lot easier to get on with, and we're a lot more comfortable with them, but I can't say this to her without hurting her/ making for an even worse argument. What's the best way to handle her jealousy of our better relationship with my partner's parents?

A friend who hates mothering

LittleMissCranky — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:30:35 -0800

A friend who hates mothering. Ideas? A longtime friend of mine had her first child almost five months ago. Prior to her son's birth (and conception, actually), she was, at best, ambivalent about the idea of having a baby, but her husband was extremely set on having children immediately. Now that the baby is here, she is having a very tough time. She, frankly, gets no joy from her baby whatsoever. She is taking competent care of her son, but there is virtually no bonding at all. She is really at the end of her rope with frustration and desperation. Some of this is no doubt due to the fact that her son is a pretty difficult baby, although it's probably exacerbated by her depression. Additionally, she is not well supported emotionally (or with childcare/house chores) by her husband, and has little external support. She quit her job (at her husband's insistence) and is now home full time, often without her husband for up to weeks at a time.

I have already suggested that she see her doctor about her depression, and I am really trying to offer as much support as I can via meals, babysitting, etc. as well as emotional support. Any concrete ideas about how she can get through this? Any bonding exercises or activities appropriate for a five month old? How can I better help her?

I am truly worried about her. It is well beyond normal baby adjustment, and while her situation is really tough, her borderline resentment of the baby is worse than I would expect even in her circumstances. I am NOT worried that she is going to harm herself or her baby, but I am concerned that this will have lasting effects on her son's development and her general happiness.

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 10:15:22 -0800

My parents are divorced; my father has custody of my younger brother, but is leaving the country for a few years for work. He wants me to live with and take care of my 16 year old brother until he graduates from HS. I love my brother, but I have some objections and I’m not sure how to handle this. (long explanation inside!) God, my family is so complicated.

I’m 24, my brother is 15 and is a sophomore in high school. We live in the same metro area, but about 30 minutes away from each other and in different states.

My father is going overseas as a contractor for a few years to pay off debts/earn money, etc. He wants my brother to stay in the same town and continue going to the same school that he’s in now.

Originally, the plan was that my brother would stay with my mom, who lives three blocks away (yes, three blocks!) from my dad & brother. But then my mom moved from a two-bedroom to a one-bedroom apartment (still in the same apartment complex) and now she’s decided that she doesn’t have room for my brother and she doesn’t “feel like” moving again, even if my dad pays for her to move and pays the difference on her new rent. She's worried that if something happens to my dad's job, she won't be able to afford the new apartment and she'll have to move again, on her own dime. I also think another issue is that she had kids when she was pretty young, and she feels that she missed out on life, so now she’s enjoying an empty nest. (She’s a classic narcissist and probably not the best parental figure for my brother, but then again, I don’t think I’d be a good one either.)

So now my father has come to me, asking me to move out to their town for the next few years to live with my brother. If it were just a year, it would be inconvenient (breaking my lease, living further away from work, living in a town that I hate), but I’d do it. But we’re talking about the next two and a half years. The job I have now will be ending in June, and I have no promise of a new one, especially in this part of the country. I had plans to go to grad school next year, out of state. I'd have to put all of my plans on hold. My brother and I are not close, but I do love him. I just feel like this isn’t fair. I’m only 24, I don’t want to be a mom yet!

My dad is obviously stressed out. He’s sacrificed a lot and he just wants what’s best for our family. At this point, he doesn’t want me to talk to my mom about this anymore, but I think my mom is being selfish. On the other hand, am I being selfish too?

My brother's emotions are key in all of this too. I don't want him to feel like a human ping-pong ball.

I’ve got about a week or so to figure this all out. Everything is happening so fast. Some guidance would be appreciated.

More info:
- My brother is not responsible enough to live alone. That’s not even on the table.
- Moving in with a friend is also not an option.
- Moving with me anywhere (in the metro or out of state) is not an option, in my father’s eyes. My brother struggles academically and has a well-developed support system in his current school.

My Best Friend's Baby!

Ms. Saint — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:41:27 -0800

My bestest best friend is right now in the hospital giving birth to her first baby! It's amazing, and I want to do absolutely everything I can to help her! ....But I'm 750 miles away. What can I do to give her my support? This is my best friend of 14 years (and fellow Mefite!) we're talking about here, and if I lived anywhere at all nearby, you know I'd be in the hospital waiting for news. I would have spent the past several weeks helping cook food for her to freeze and prepare, I'd be working out a schedule for when I could help with laundry, and so much more.

...But I'm so far away, and, thanks to work, it's going to be impossible for me to come visit until December. So, all those things that online guides suggest friends do for new moms aren't that realistic -- I can't clean her house for her, I can't cook for her, I can't babysit once in a while when she feels overwhelmed. I feel guilty for not being able to be there to help her.

But there must be something I can do to be helpful! Any ideas? What can someone who is hundreds of miles away do to help the mother of a newborn?

The only idea I've been able to come up with is maybe hiring a maid service, but I know that's not something she'd appreciate (the idea makes her a bit uncomfortable. Maybe in a few months, the idea will be more appealing, but for now, that's out). I've also considered making care packages to mail to her, but what would a new mom most appreciate/want that can go through the mail?

So, please, Metafilter, help me figure out what I can do!

And, even though she's an avid AskMe reader, there's absolutely no chance she has the time or inclination to be reading right now, so I'd still be happy to hear ideas that involve surprises for her.

How can I forgive my mother for losing some of my most treasured items?

starpoint — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 07:45:30 -0800

How can I forgive my mother for losing some of my most treasured items? This may sound like a stupid/trivial problem but it's really eating away at me inside. This has been bothering me for months. I spent the past year studying abroad in Denmark. While I was gone, my mother went through all of my things in my room back at home, rearranging everything. If I had known better I would have told her not to do this, but I was so focused on being abroad that I didn't think about it. Plus, I didn't think she'd move anything that was super important to me.

I came back home, readjusted to life in the states. Working on finishing up school so I can get a job and move out soon (I'm nearly 27).

The only toys that I wanted to keep are these little pretty kitty & puppy dolls (made by mattel, they don't make 'em anymore) along with a collection of other small little animals and figurines. There's nothing valuable about them intrinsically, the main value comes from the fact that I played with them almost exclusively throughout my entire childhood. I had a little "club" with them growing up. I kept them in a special case in my closet. As I got older I of course stopped playing with them, but I always kept them in that special case and would look back on them fondly. I planned to keep them as long as I lived. My mother knew how important they were to me.

Now most of my other toys have been given away or I could care less about. Those are the ONLY toys I wanted to keep. About a month ago I was looking for something else in my room, since my mom had rearranged everything, and I happened to look inside that special case and saw that all of my pretty kitties and other figures had been removed. My mother put computer equipment in there instead.

When i confronted my mother about it, of course she conveniently "forgot" where she put them or even if she moved them at all. She insists she didn't throw them away or take them out of the house but I've scaled the entire place and haven't found them.

The worst thing is she gets super offended if I ask about them. She apologized (even if it didn't sound all that sincere) and I accepted her apology but it still bothers me. I want them back or at least I want to know what happened to them. But she's made me out to be the enemy, who is out to get her and who is unappreciative. I told her I understand that she was just trying to be nice by rearranging my stuff, but goddammit, why did she think she was entitled to just move things around without asking me first? I'm mad at myself for not telling her to stay out of my room while I was gone.

2 weeks ago we had a loooong conversation about this after I reminded her about searching for them, where she basically said, "I only have 46 years left on the planet. I've already apologized. I'm not going to be held accountable for this any more. What else do you want me to do? If you bring this up again we're not having a relationship. So why don't you just tell me every little thing you're mad at me about so you don't have to be mad at me any more." I proceeded to tell her everything and she even wrote them down. She then told me the problems she had with me and I wrote those down. I go over that list and I make an effort to work on those things AND on myself in general.

My mom didn't keep her list of problems I had with her, instead she wanted to tear her list up. I could be wrong, but in her mind, I think she thinks I'M the one with the problems. So basically, I work on myself and admit all of my faults, and she sees herself as a golden goddess who can do no wrong. She can commit an offense toward me and STILL make herself out to be a victim if I confront her. Furthermore, she's complained in the past when people moved or disregarded HER stuff; or have wronged her in general. Why the double-standard?

Sometimes this whole issue doesn't bother me, but other days it eats me up inside. I can't bring it up with my mother because in her mind it's over.

And what's done is done. I can't get my things back. I'll have to accept that. But I'm still upset about it and every time I look at my mother it's hard to pretend to be happy with her. So how do i get over it? How do I forgive her even if I'm so angry at what she did?

I'm in therapy for the first time in my life (no one in my family knows I've been going). Therapy is offered free through my school (for which I'm grateful), and it's been helpful. I plan to talk about this next session but it's a week until then and I need to articulate my thoughts on this matter beforehand. Thanks in advance for any suggestions to the questions I posed above.

Depressing bedtime story?

Arbac — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:47:46 -0800

Looking for a poem or story about a desperate mother, her many children and a visit from the angel of death? (Asking for a friend who's trying to find a poem from her childhood. She's Irish and in her late 50s but I think the story or poem is much older. Her mother used to tell this as a bedtime story.)

Possibly Irish or traditional poem or story about a woman with several children, either freezing or starving and praying. An angel (the angel of death?) comes and says that he'll take one of her children away, presumably to heaven, but she has to choose which child. She goes through all of the children, first suggesting a child but then finds reasons why she couldn't lose him/her. Maybe they're in a cellar and it might be winter? In the end, she can't choose a child and the angel goes away?

This sounds strangely familiar but I can't turn up any specific references and a google search with the words "angel of death poem winter mother children" isn't helpful. I'm convinced there are many variations on this theme so anything would be great - thanks!

Please help me reply to my mom's email concerning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:50:35 -0800

My mom sent me an email today acknowledging for the very first time (that I am aware of) that she experiences symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I would like to write the best response that I can to her, with some links or information about possible next steps. I don't want to screw this up, please help me help her! I have spent my adult life aware of her serious emotional and cognitive problems. My younger years with my parents were awful – I was rebellious and angry and unable to accept the serious dysfunction in our family. For the last 10 years I have been in therapy intermittently (taking breaks due to geographical and financial difficulties), where I have successfully learned to be accepting yet necessarily distant from both of my parents. There is no question whatsoever between all of my therapists and me that my mother suffers from severe Aspergers symptoms (almost every single criteria in the DSM IV fits her), as well as some emotional difficulties. My dad has some emotional problems as well, but they don't seem to be as severe as my mother's. They have a happy marriage, but its been lived blissfully in denial. My brother and I have suffered immensely. I have recovered, my brother hasn't. We are not close.

Fortunately for me, I learned to be very independent from a young age. I also do not display any pragmatic or negatively-impacting symptoms of ASD. I do however experience intense passions and focus, am able to see patterns in things that others don't tend to pick up on, and show an aptitude for understanding complex systems like language, puzzles, mechanics, etc. Basically, I seem to have some of the socially desirable features of ASD, with none of the social impairments.

I say all this, because in an email exchange today with my mom about language and ASD (I study pragmatics and sent her a link to an NPR talk in reply to a question she asked), she responded with the following, "Do you think you may be Autistic? I am wondering about me and my sensitivity to sound and light. Mom."

I would love to reply to this email in the best, most encouraging way possible. Maybe include a link to a place near her to get a professional test to determine if she has ASD, and where to go from there. Maybe a support group number, or a reason why it might be beneficial to understand more about the possibility of a professional diagnosis.

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this opportunity to help her. My mother has lived a lifetime of pain and confusion, not understanding why she miscommunicates with those around her (she often unknowingly offends others to the point where they scream, yell, or otherwise distance themselves from her). My dad literally shelters her from the world, sacrificing the needs of others or dismissing them in order to keep my mom calm, all the while praising her for being quirky. He means well, and wants the best for her, but this approach has prevented her from being able to stand on her own, seek answers and grow.

I am not close with any members of my family, and have been independently successful and healthy for some time. Through the advice of my previous therapists, I have limited my contact with family members to brief phone conversations and emails. This has done wonders for my relationships with them, and I don't wish to disrupt the balance. However, I see this email as an opportunity to take some important growth steps to self-realization...for all of us. I want to do it right.

MeFites: Please provide me with some advice, links, or ways to approach this subject that might resonate best with her and help her. How would you handle this situation? What would you write back?

FYI, I am female, early 30's, not currently in therapy due to financial constraints, but definitely reconsidering going back now to get some help understanding and processing these new developments. I'll be happy to provide more info as necessary. Throwaway email address: helpmehelpmom@gmail.com

Welcome, mom!

mdonley — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:58:15 -0800

I'm looking for a fun, cheap, highly-visible way to welcome my mom when she arrives at the airport and make her first night and day at my new place relaxed and comfortable. Specifics:

- I live in Poland, she lives in California.
- It'll be around 10:30 at night when we meet.
- She will be crazy jetlagged.
- There will only be her flight arriving at that time of night so the airport will be quite quiet.
- She'll have just had her first Ryanair experience.
- She's pretty low-maintenance and happy to roll with whatever-may-come.
- She's not incapacitated in any way.
- She'll probably want a cigarette or two.
- I live less than 10 minutes from the airport. I'll arrive at the airport by bus and we'll go home via taxi.
- Going out for food is probably not an option - it's not a very big city, and things shut early. She eats everything.
- I speak Polish, she doesn't.
- I cook pretty well and will be home for the entire day before she arrives.

Actual questions:

1) How should I welcome her when she first sees me? A huge sign? A bunch of flowers? A bunch of balloons would be tricky on the bus, as would a non-foldable/rolled sign.

2) What foods are great when you first land and you've been eating airport food for twenty hours? What should I have in the house for her? A big salad? A roast chicken? A few bottles of wine? Candles?

Shower me with your ideas: how did the people meeting you at the airport make you feel great? What was your first night like at their place?

I saw mommy kissing an alcoholic neanderthal...

kaseijin — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 13:25:42 -0800

I am deeply concerned for my mother, and hate her boyfriend.
My mother, an historically level-headed and intelligent woman has taken up with a man that really is far beneath her.

First, some back story. The poor woman really did go through a lot in the last few years: a particularly dramatic and acrimonious divorce from her second husband (not my father), a bout of West Nile (the bad kind... not that there is a good kind, per se, but she had all of the encephalitis and macular damage and is still somewhat foggy-memoried), and the death of her father (to whom she was very close).

I was happy to hear that she had started dating again, since she had frankly wallowed for a while in a sort of exaggerated victimhood in the wake of her West Nile experience. She has always been the type of person to pick herself up after anything that comes her way, dust herself off, and continue on her path.

For the last 15 years, she has been active in AlAnon, and served as a sponsor to many members. She works for Hospice assisting the terminally ill, and she has a generous spirit and always gives very sage advice to her friends and family.

Turns out the guy she's dating, though, is just a creep. He's 20 years younger than her, has been unemployed for over a year and shows absolutely no sign whatsoever of getting any sort of job in the foreseeable future, moved in with her 5 months ago (after losing his own apartment), drinks himself into a stupor every day at the sort of bar that caters to professional alcoholics, is a staunch new-Earth creationist (adding this point only as the rest of the family, Mom included, place a high value on science and are also alarmingly secular to the point of functionally being atheist...so it's a strange sort of pairing), has all the social grace of a cave troll (example... I purchased my mother a very nice chef's knife for Christmas, and this clod proudly proclaims, "That knife's so pretty, if it had a pussy I'd fuck it!"). He does absolutely disgusting things like refer to her not by her name, but as "lover" -- even when talking to her family *about* her (..."when lover and I were out at..."). For the sake of this discussion, we'll call this lovely and endearing specimen "Joey".

Since Mom has been dating Joey, she has stopped sponsoring AlAnon, and she now closes the bar every night with Joey. Her work performance has slipped off, and she has been functionally demoted. Her once-pristine and well-tended house is now a complete, smelly disaster area wherein Joey's persian cat and dachshund freely defecate. She and Joey are looking for a new house together (she's buying, he's just living there like a lump). She has become withdrawn, as none of her family or friends can really tolerate Joey.

Now, aside from all of the irritation of having what is essentially a freeloading, alcoholic mooch living with your parent, I have (until now) mostly adopted an attitude of "It's not my relationship. I am not dating Joey. Leave it alone, and if he makes her happy in whatever strange way he does, then it's her business."

The problem with that, though, is in how immaturely she has handled that attitude. When I didn't want to talk to her about Joey (can't say anything nice? Don't say anything at all), she got offended and turned on the waterworks and the passive aggression. When I broke down and talked to her about Joey, I became the enemy. We made up, and I tried to give Joey another chance which ended in an unmitigated disaster. I have since reiterated to her on more than one occasion that, while I love her dearly and she is always welcome in my house, I do not really want to spend time with Joey. She has said that Joey is the last man she ever wants to date.

The thing is, I'm actually getting worried about her. She has never been like this! The drinking is bad enough, but if you had told me even two years ago that she would ever take up with an jobless alcoholic, I would have laughed in your face. Not a single one of her friends or family like this man and instead of listening to frank and honest discussion, she instead gets more withdrawn.

She hardly even speaks to me anymore, and I am becoming more and more aware that she has essentially picked this neanderthal over her entire former existence, children included.

I thought I was doing well here, but honestly... How the hell do I approach this? I am having the damnedest time attempting to balance my desire to stay out of another person's personal affairs with my honest concern for my mother's alarming recent behavior.

Please hope!

Mom: I'm not going to call you back.

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 18:34:15 -0800

MomFilter: help me deal with mine! I do not have good relationship with my mom. I'm mid-forties and the reasons relate to events that occurred when I was a teen, and my parents split up. Beyond that, it's not relevant to what I'd like input on- it's just establishing the foundation.

I'm talking to those of you who:
- Rarely see your mom
- Rarely talk to, email or ortherwise communicate with your mom (I last saw mine in October of last year and she lives 3-4 hours away)
- Have no desire to see/talk to/spend time with your mom
- Get no enjoyment out of anything connected with your mom
- Are not really bothered by this situation.

I don't need anything from her, and I don't feel that she has the right to demand anything of me. Yet she texts, calls and emails using very accusatory language; things like "don't you care about me?" or "Why do you hate me?"

My life is so far removed from hers, she wouldn't understand the bulk of anything I might say to her about work or activities. The effort it would take to "translate" or summarize a report about my current events would be pointless, because it's not really the news she wants- she just wants me to do it. There is never any real exchange of information or give and take in these calls- they consist of her listening to me, then launching immediately into her own tales of woe that she wants my commiseration and validation of. "OK, I heard your news; now listen to how bad MY life sucks..." She inflames all my worst avoidance instincts. I will send a $50 flower arrangement rather than make a phone call.

I really do not think she has any idea about why I am like this. To explain it all would dump a lot of crap on her that, despite my stance, seems cruel. I grant you that she probably views my lack of involvement as cruel but I don't want to add to that by getting into the deep-seated reasons. Again- to go that far would initiate a level of contact and enagement that I just do not want to maintain.

You may ask- do I WANT to improve this relationship? By "improve," if you mean "rebuild and move toward a mother/child relationship that the average person would characterize as normal"- no, I really do not see that as my goal. I have lived this long without it and those needs are being met in other ways. There's nothing I would gain from such a change. SHE would be the one to gain, were that to occur.

What I want is for her to accept things as they are and to stop expecting my behavior to fit whatever model she has built up in her head, or is getting from TV, her friends etc. as to how kids are "supposed" to act. I will not do what she wants. I will not be the person she seems to need me to be. Is there a default level of obligation just because she is my mom?

I need language that lets me express that in spite of recognizing her demanding nature, she needs to chill. I have had to disable websites, delete blogs, and other evasive maneuvers due to her almost pathological aggression in searching for information about me online. I will never be comfortable opening up in this way and frankly don't give ANYONE lots of infomation about myself. I have fewer than 30 Facebook friends- I don't want the world knowing everything about me. I'm the anti-oversharer.

I was going to say "I don't want to hurt her" but I know that I am already hurting her. But even that doesn't really bug me that much. This is, again, tied to the origin of all the issues years ago. My primary goal is to get her to stop expecting results I will never be able to deliver. If any of you have endured similar situations, please let me know how you handled it.

Any books out there that give advice about dating a divorced mother?

bcredrabbit — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 07:44:24 -0800

Any books out there that give advice about dating a divorced mother? A few weeks ago I met a really nice woman on eHarmony. We have a lot in common and have seemed to hit it off well. Everything is going great so far, and I want it to continue to go well. She is a few years older than me, has a 1.5 year old son, and was divorced 6 months ago (separated two years ago) after a seven-year marriage. Obviously, these factors create additional considerations that make dating a little bit different than dating a woman who does not have a child and was never married. I've found a few websites that talk about how to date a divorced woman/mother, but nothing great and no books that address the topic. There are a lot of books for women that want to date after divorce, but nothing that I can find about how to date a divorced mother/woman. Any books/other resources that address this topic? Furthermore, if these books approach the topic from a Christian perspective, that would be even better. Thanks.

"Mother dearest"

Anonymous — Fri, 29 May 2009 05:48:20 -0800

What is a lesbian daughter to do, when the mode and extent of her mother's display of affection becomes "too much"? My mother and I have an unconventionally close relationship, more akin to an idealized sisterhood or friendship than one of child and parent. We are greatly at ease and open with each other, not only intellectually (no subject, it seems, is beyond the reach of possible discussion) but also physically: along with the occasional peck on the cheek (she is French), we frequently exchange hugs and publicly walk arm-in-arm, happily chattering away.

My concerns begin here: though, previously, this intimacy had never appeared as anything more than "Platonic", presently, I am troubled, particularly when reflecting on the physical expressions of affection which she gives and solicits. And, when she gives me her hand when we are outside, walking alone, or hugs me particularly deeply; when she says things like, "You give me meaning and, without you, my life has no sense"; or (more recently) becomes exasperated at my refraining from total emotional disclosure and request for distance, I feel slightly uneasy.

I think that this might have something, or all, to do with a very recent realization that I am a lesbian (an insight catalyzed through a sudden awareness of the fact I struggle to keep close friendships with other females without struggling with some degree of sexual attraction and, in some cases, falling in love with them).

Other details that might be relevant: Though they still live together, over the course of the last several years, my mother has progressively become estranged from my father (in part of the latter's depression) and, I feel, has increasingly come to rely on our relation for the affection she no longer receives as a result of her spousal alienation. She prefers to spend whatever time she has available visiting me (I am a ways away, at college) rather than with him, all the while admitting that "she should" and that "it would do him some good". She explicitly identifies as a heterosexual woman and, though I have been intimating (through tactful phrasing) at the possibility of my being a lesbian, I have not yet disclosed my orientation in fear of the awkwardness ruining our relationship, which I do cherish.

How can I approach this, delicately? I am failing to find any resources (helpful books or websites) from which I might draw from, that would shed light on the complexity of the undoubtedly queer bond between lesbian daughters and their mothers. Thank you so much, in advance, for your advice.

Talking to children about a parent's depression as a non-family caregiver.

Felicity Rilke — Wed, 27 May 2009 19:54:29 -0800

How do you talk to young children about a parent's depression? I began providing childcare this week for the five-year-old son of a woman I know through one of my local drop-in centres. She is suffering from severe depression and is unable to care for her son. Dad works long days and isn't entirely equipped to step in as primary caregiver, which is why I am helping out.

I am uncertain how much the boy knows/has been told about his mom's illness. He knows that mommy is sad, he knows that she's been in the hospital. This morning when I was getting him ready for school, he asked why his mom wasn't there to say goodbye (the previous two mornings, she got up to give him a hug and kiss before he left). I explained that she needed to spend a little time with her doctors so they could help her feel better (this is her second hospitalization in a little more than a week). He accepted this and moved on to another subject without any questions, which worries me more than if he asked about it.

I know that the kid is scared and confused about what's happening. His behaviour is changed (he's not acting out, rather, he's on his best behaviour, which is unusual since he generally has a healthy amount of the naughty). Since he's spending the majority of his waking hours with me, I'd like to know how I should talk to him about what's going on. Should I encourage discussion or wait until he brings it up? How much information should I give him? What do I tell him when he asks when his mom will be back?

The facilitator of the drop-in centre is arranging for a school social-worker to help out, but I don't know how long that will take to get in place. In the meantime, I'd like to know what I can do to help the boy understand and adjust to this situation.

(Any advice on how to help support the mother as she goes through this is also appreciated.)

How can I let mom know I need to be on my own?

Anonymous — Sun, 10 May 2009 17:49:52 -0800

How can I let mom know that I need my own space for a while without sounding selfish and ungrateful? I want to stand up for myself but on the other hand, I know she struggles. I'm asking anonymously because I have no idea if she might read this and get too angry with me before I can think over the responses and possibly change my attitude. I don't know how or if I should even mention this to her or just suck it up and deal.

My mother has already made up her mind that she (and my siblings, none of which are still in high school) will be living with me when I buy my house. She says her lease will be up and she'll help with mortgage and bills and then when she's steady at work, she'll find her own house and then move out. No actual time line. I have been planning for a while and don't really need any help with anything. It would never be turned down but I planned it so that I could finally be independent but I wasn't given the chance to say no. I don't want to seem like I'm kicking her to the curb but I should get a choice here.

I just don't want to share. I know that sounds bad but I don't. I moved out long ago and moved in with a few roommates. I have a job and have started saving money so that I could get my own reasonable, small place and live alone. I've been dreaming of it for years. Living with other people has shown me that I would much rather be alone and preferably far from people. I don't like to talk much at all though I have no problem picking up the phone. I don't like to deal with drama which is what its like living with my family and I don't like anything I own to be bothered. I also don't want to have to be treated like a child in my own house especially when I already feel like I should have been born 10 to 20 years older than I already am.
My many issues aside, I've always helped with bills and buying food. I moved out and away and still help with bills when she calls even though I've always preferred to keep a strict budget and money in savings. I hate being the one to take care of things. I wish I didn't have to even do that anymore but I would much rather that than sharing my house but I don't want to sound rude, selfish or ungrateful. I just need my own space. I've never had it, never had my own room till now at nearly 25, never had very many personal belongings (which I know is not important) nor have I even felt like my own person. Getting my place will be me growing up, stepping out on my own and catching up to my "age".
She has agreed that I can decorate everything which will no doubt cause issues with the siblings and that she has no problem putting her stuff in storage but I'm afraid it still wont be enough for me. I don't know but I can't see a compromise that I'm willing to put up with for any amount of time. In my current living situation I'm extremely unhappy and feel suffocated just having other people in the same house. I'm counting down the months till I'm alone and can be reduced to tears at the thought of having to wait any longer. I can't even put into words how much I need my own space, need to figure myself out and need to make my own rules.

How do I tell this to my mother? She has a pretty good deal set up but I don't know how long it lasts or if it's up with her lease unless she renews. I have a feeling she will still overrule whatever I say but I'd at least like to let her know that I'm not at all happy with the situation. I don't want to pretend that I am but I fear I may seem like I'm already doing that.

Feel free to let me know if I'm being completely wrong in this situation. I probably am. Also, if you can see any pros as to why this would be good for me in any way, please let me know. Thank you and feel free to email me.
daybyday@rocketmail.com

Extra special Mother's day

charmston — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:44:06 -0800

I have an amazing, incredible mother. Really, she's awesome. This will be the first mother's day that I have the fiscal resources to show her, rather than just tell her, how much I love her. I'll be getting her flowers, that much is sure. In addition to that, I'd like to do something meaningful. My (boring) idea was make a donation to a cause in her honor. But you have more creative, but still meaningful ideas, right? :)

Should I try to convince my mother to move across the country so I can take care of her and improve our relationship?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 08:51:08 -0800

Due to years of my mother’s mental illness, dependency on prescription medication, and wildly varying levels lying leading to all sort of trust issues, I am a 30-year old woman with a very complicated relationship with my aging mom. I feel more than a little guilt and sadness about this, and authentically would like to improve our relationship. There are, of course complications. I moved to the east coast about 6 years ago and am now happily engaged to a wonderful man who is from here and we have no plans to move to the west coast at any point in the near or foreseeable future. All of my family is in California, and we travel to visit them a few times a year. I do miss my family, but for the most part I feel good about my level of involvement with them as much as I can from a distance. My parents are divorced and my father has been remarried for over 10 years; my brother is a couple years older than I am. Basically, I feel like I have solid relationships with the two of them and though I’d like to see them more, I’m not worried about them in the same way that I am about my mother, because I know she is totally lacking a support system.

My mother has struggled with physical problems, mental illness, and various addictions (primarily to pain medication) for years. Our relationship is not what I would describe as close, but I do love her and care for her and it’s becoming very worrisome for me to think about what will happen to her during the course of the next few years. She does not work (she lives off of alimony and has tried over and over to be accepted for some sort of disability as well) and is constantly in and out of the hospital for her various medical ailments. She lives with her sister currently, but they have a very volatile relationship and I don’t think it’s healthy for her to remain there indefinitely. She recently inherited some money when her own parents passed away, and she has been talking about using the money to buy a mobile home to live in by herself. I do not think this is safe, and I am considering trying to talk her into moving near me.

If I lived in California, I have no doubt that I would be working harder on my relationship with her. Due to the geographic distance between us now, I speak with her occasionally, but my level of involvement in her life is limited. This is both because it is difficult for me to talk to her and hear about her problems over and over, and also because she purposely distances herself from me at times. She knows it upsets me to hear about her medical problems over and over, so when she is going through difficult times she just won’t be in touch. Several times over the past six years when I have been in California visiting family, something has come up with her health where she has said, “I don’t want you to see me like this, don’t come see me.” So, I won’t see her, and then I won’t have opportunity again for several months, and then I feel guilty, etc. etc. I do think that if we lived geographically closer, it would be a little easier to work through these issues.

I know that a lot of the issues between us are very long-standing and would not be solved simply by being closer geographically; however, on a very practical level I also just want to know that someone will be taking care of my mother as she gets older, and I don’t think anyone else is going to tackle this. She has burned a lot of bridges over the years, but now it seems that she is in a place where the addictions are gone and she truly is suffering from physical ailments and mental illness. I know I can’t fix her, but I would like to be able to spend time with her and try to improve our relationship while she’s still here.

Since I know that I will not be moving anytime soon, is it completely crazy to broach the idea of her moving here? Throwaway email is whatamamess@gmail.com

Me: 'Logic logic logic.' Mom: 'WHARRGARBL'

kldickson — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:18:14 -0800

Mom's acting weird again, currently wrt my independence in various respects. Long story. Where do I start?

I am a third-year undergrad neurobiology student, currently taking a year off after a disastrous last few semesters. Depression and anxiety, which were the cause of those disastrous last few semesters, were treated, and my grades are tons better (I'm taking two classes right now).

I go to a large public state school half the country away from my folks, and pay about $30000 per year in tuition.

Mom has, for what it's worth, attempted to drive me nuts, and the latest manifestation of her insanity is in the form of not allowing me to go to Europe, in countries that have VASTLY lower crime rates than the United States according to NationMaster, on my own dollar and by myself.

I addressed this in another post, but to make it short, I've actually printed out PAGE AFTER PAGE of NationMaster statistics and she will not budge.

'No!'
'Why?'
'Because I said so.'
'Come on, you've got to have actual REASONING. Besides, I'm 20, not 15; that shit will NOT cut it with me.'
'... You have depression and anxiety!'
'Those were treated.'
'... You can't pay for it! What about your tuition?'
'Provided I contribute, well, most of the money I earn toward tuition, I don't think it's unreasonable to set aside a predetermined amount of money for a trip overseas.'
'*sputter* NO!'
'Unless you give me actual reasoning, I'm going to tell you you're an idiot.'
'NO!'
'You're an idiot. Give me some GOOD reasoning and I'll stop thinking you're an idiot.'

That is essentially how a conversation tonight went. It probably wasn't a good idea to call her an idiot, but 1) I can't unsay it, and 2) I got fed up with the disrespect. I will tell her 'sorry I called you an idiot; at the same time, not having good reasoning is FUCKING IDIOTIC and not telling me the reasoning behind the way you would deal with me in various circumstances is FUCKING IDIOTIC and I feel disrespected.'

Maybe she's trying to tell me to move the fuck out or become completely independent or something (completely non-cognizant of the fact that despite the fact that that would be GREAT, I can't really do that right now because I have to study and a job would detract from my studying).

Moving out is not an option, because of curriculum, tuition, and the fact that I need to get into grad school and want to get into grad school - job will detract from study and I need good grades.

Any suggestions for what I can do, hive mind?

Mom's been arrested and I need to keep her fallout from affecting me.

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 07:20:14 -0800

Mom's been arrested, what do I do. Long story follows. I've been having problems with my mother for a long time - though my problems with her culminated in her arrest. She picked a fight with my father over the smallest topic - a project for a class that I'm in while I'm taking a year off (I'm a 20-year-old university student) - and she started beating up on my father. I had to physically restrain her and force both of them apart, and at least I can physically restrain her. After repeated attempts to let her arm free and trust her not to hit my father with her fists, purse, and hairbrush, I told her I'd call the police, and I did. She is now away on a restraining order, and I have probably irrevocably fucked up my interactions with her. There's no question that she deserved what she got and that she's a consistent perpetrator of abuse against my father.

I'm still frightened out of my wits. She's emotionally manipulative, and she isn't aware it's her fault (she claims my father provoked her - she threw the punches, not Dad) , and the greater problem is that I think she's either intentionally or unintentionally been trying to emotionally wear me down. It does not help that her entire family is even worse than she is; I can't talk to any of them about this because they're all batshit. Also, my entire support network, except for one parent, is not in the same physical location, so I feel like shit.

Also, my tuition may be in jeopardy.

I am figuratively shitting myself about this, and it requires significant effort to think straight; I talk to a therapist and am consulting her about things to do to deal with this, but I need immediate advice and reassurance. As I write this, I am trying not to cry, and I should be in bed because I have class tomorrow, but I can't sleep.

My parents drive me crazy.

divabat — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:32:04 -0800

How do I deal with my parents on limited resources without sending all of us into a fit? (likely to be TL;DR) My parents and I have a very strange relationship. Over the years it has gone from really bad, to quite good, to distant, to just weird. My mother, in particular, has a lot of issues that come into conflict between us.

She's the eldest of two, from a South Asian country, but was brought up by her grandparents as her school was nearby. Her parents died when I was very young; she migrated with my dad to Malaysia when my sister was a little kid (I was born & bred in Malaysia some 11 years later). Her sister is currently in the US with her family, and she's got extended family elsewhere.

She's always talked about how lonely she feels, how she feels that her family keep walking away from her. Unfortunately for her, her immediate family (us) are also the type to fly away. My sis is in the UK, I'm in Australia, and my dad's work takes him travelling often. We're far away not because we deliberately want to avoid her, but because we're all nomads and have found better livelihoods overseas. Still, she often tearfully accuses us of "abandoning" her, of "not wanting a mother anymore".

My dad isn't so great with emotional support. He's a typical dad - logical, stoic, sometimes formal. I'm the apple of his eye (Mum used to go on and on about how as soon as I was born Dad forgot about Mum and my sis and just focused on me) but it can be hard to get Dad to see why I do the things I do. He's very stubborn and has a certain view of what the world should be. Whenever any of us expresses a problem or vent, he either announces that he'll fix it all, brush it off with "don't worry be happy", or thinks we complain too much. The last bit sets Mum off SO MUCH to the point of fights - "Why don't you want to listen to me?! You're always away! You don't value me!!" I've often asked Dad to look after Mum a bit more but all Dad says is "she misses you two. Come back and she'll be better."

My sister and I, despite our age difference and she being far away for most of my life, are very very close. We've both turned out to be iconoclastic eccentric rebels (of a fashion) and we both understand and respect each other's life choices. My parents often try to ask one of us to lecture the other one on their choices "can you tell T not to travel so much? Can you tell M to call us more often?" but often we don't agree with the parents, we think the other's doing OK! Yet when we say this they launch into this tirade of us not caring about each other. My sister gets the worst of it - she's been yelled at so many times for supposedly not supporting me in my depression, for not paying for my education (there was a deal that she'd pay for my uni studies if she got her Ph.D. paid for; she never got enough money to do that but I wasn't too bothered either way), for not caring about me. Even though she's the only person in the family that respects me in the first place!!

My sister sometimes feels bad for me because she went through all the disappoint-the-parents stages first: changing her career from science to illustration, living together with her British fiancé before marriage, going off to weird arts festivals. This has put extra pressure on me to be the "good girl" - which, by my parents' standards, I absolutely "fail" at. They've just had a big upset over my sister declaring herself atheist (after her fiancé refused to perform the Muslim conversion ceremony at the upcoming wedding) - they will freak out if they discover my Pagan leanings!

I've just graduated university in Australia, and have just received a great opportunity that would involve staying here for at least another year. I like it here; I get to be myself without feeling like I'd be punished for being deviant. Due to high costs and restrictions on jobs, my education and life so far has been mostly subsidised by my parents. Getting the visa that lets me stay here longer, find a self-sustainable job, and develop myself to do the things I like costs more than what I have in my bank account at the moment, so I've had to rely on them again for money.

There was some back-and-forthing (which I thought was weird since my parents were pretty keen on me getting Aussie PR and were pushing for it at one stage) but they're now supporting me financially. Hopefully when I finally have this visa I'll have financial freedom and stop leeching off my parents. It doesn't give me emotional freedom though - my parents (my mother, especially) call up wondering where I am, why I don't call back (when I *do* call they think I've gotten into an accident, even though I just want to say Hi), etc etc etc.

My mum has been especially emotional lately. She told me she was "extremely sick"; I asked Dad about it and he said she was working herself into a tizzy because she thought we were fighting over visas (we have disagreements, which are tiring, but nothing to get sick over). It was only after I wrote back with lots of emails saying I'll be fine, I'll look after myself, I'll be responsible, I understand your troubles and know you want me safe etc etc, that she calmed down a bit.

Then today on Facebook, despite all my best attempts at privacy management, she found some photos of me at a Pagan ritual. "OMG SHE'S JOINED A CULT AND PRAYING TO STUPID GODS!!" I had to dodge my dad's questions and build a cover story of us "play-acting", just so they can maintain the illusion of a good little Muslim daughter. (I defriended my mum after another freakout over a blog post - one that she claimed will "send her into hospital with a heart attack". Backfired. She got EXTREMELY upset and claimed that I wanted her out of my life.)

My sister and I have both felt like cutting them out of our lives. But not only is it not possible, it's not very desirable either. When Mum gets a hobby, like interior designing a house or something, she becomes SO MUCH better. She leaves me alone for once! She becomes awesome. Yet now she's afraid of being alone and lonely, desperately wants us back into a country that won't welcome us, doesn't know what to do. And we both know that cutting them off is equal to murder - it's their worst fear ever.

I'm stressed out and tired of having to build my life around my parents. I don't want to feel like I have to hide things from them, but I've already seen the consequences of that. I want to be completely independent of them, but until I get a job I'll still have to depend on them to some extent. They'll always think I'm their "baby" and probably never will think of me as an adult. They absolutely hate the term "It's MY life"; when my sister told them that some years ago they went ballistic.

What do I do? How do I cope mentally and emotionally with this? Am I selfish for wanting to lead my own life even though it clashes with my parents' values? How can I talk to them without every conversation ending in tears (and me being worried about Mum's sanity) or shouting or anger? How can I be true and honest around them if my truth scares them so much?

Money from crazy parent, accept or reject?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:16:30 -0800

I received a check for $3,000 from my mother who I have not spoken to for nearly seven years. Should I cash the check? My mother has a history of depression, physical abuse, manipulative, controlling behavior, generally border personality diagnosis. She and my father have been divorced for around ten years and do not communicate. My sister has went through periods of not communicating with her, up to years. I have not attempted nor received communication from her for nearly seven years. I could ramble endlessly about why we've not communicated but I'll only note: 1) we have BOTH had means to initiate and only recently has she extended this particular holiday correspondence 2) It's often impossible to distinguish between her and her sickness and I'm unsure if she's made effort to self-improve beyond tons of medication and some therapy 3) I've been working through my own issues and need the time/space.

I recently received a holiday card from her, enclosed is a note which says some loving things in addition to "a check is enclosed to use how you'd like, to help get through this recent unemployment." The check is for the amount of $3,000, a great deal of money for me right now as I've been out of work, on unemployment and living in an expensive city. Actually I'm having a financial crisis at the moment but that may be beside the point. That is, even if I were swimming in disposable income I'd still have an ethical / emotional issue on my hands.

I've discussed this matter with others, to include a close sibling, and have been given mostly reasons why I should take the money. I'm reminded that if I cash it I still have no obligation to communicate.

My trouble is this: We are due, perhaps overdue, for at minimum, written correspondence yet I must feel ready and not enticed or manipulated --I want no artificial influence to hasten this process. I've been torn between holding my ground, trying to just accept this relationship, and feeling like an angry little child. And lastly, this is a person who is an absolute master in mind-fuck and manipulation... as if it needs mention. I don't trust her so much.

WWHMD? temp email (if preferred, functional only until 1/31/09): momma.loves.you@mogwai.ath.cx

Which GPS for older driver?

TedW — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 07:45:01 -0800

Navigation system recommendations for my 70-something mom. My wife and I are considering giving my mom a navigation system for Christmas; we both have factory installed navigation in our cars and love it. Although my mom is in her seventies she still makes regular cross-country trips; she just drove from GA to TX and back, for example. She is reasonably tech-savvy for someone her age, but in the past if a electronic gadget has too many features and/or a difficult learning curve she tends not to use it. What are your suggestions for a simple to use portable GPS navigation system? Budget is not a major concern, although I don't see us buying one of the top of the line unit costing over $1000. My wife was looking at a Tom-Tom One 125 but I wonder if that is a little too basic. Thanks for your suggestions.

I'm 26 and am very confused about whether or not I should extend my study abroad trip

starpoint — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 05:43:53 -0800

My mother thinks I should stay home. I'm having an internal conflict about what I want to do. Whenever I tell myself I want to return to Copenhagen, I immediately doubt it and think I should return home. If I say I want to go home, I feel like I will regret not returning to Copenhagen forever. I'm 26 and a graduate student. I have lived in the same town my entire life, going through all of my schooling there (preschool through college) and also I am enrolled in grad school there (at the same university where I did my undergrad). I was living at home while going to school.

My grad program is 2 years long and this is the first half of my second year. I decided to study abroad in Copenhagen for the Fall semester to try something different. I've had a good time here overall, yet I feel like a semester is too short and there were a lot of things I wanted to do but didn't have enough time to do (such as traveling around Denmark and Europe, experiencing more of the Danish culture). It's just taken me 3 months to get used to it and now I only have a month left before it's time to go home.

Therefore I am considering the idea of returning to Copenhagen after the holidays (I'm going home for at least a month for Christmas and New Year's). Both my school in Denmark AND my school at home say it's possible.

I am living off of federal loan money and I will have considerable debt after graduation next December. But I am not taking out any more loans than I would have had I not gone abroad. I feel that I will be in debt no matter what so I may as well make it count for something.

My mother is not happy about me wanting to return to Copenhagen after the holidays. She did say that it's my life and I have to do what I want, plus she told me I didn't have to justify my reasons for wanting to go back. So I thought she was cool with it, even if she was sad.

But then last night she sent me an email asking me to reconsider; that her heart is broken far more than I can imagine. She said that she wishes she could tell me how much I am needed at home, and that she has a strong feeling that I should stay home, that it may be intuition and that she wants our family together again. She said she had a lot of fun things planned for us to do while I was at home in the Spring. Also she said I would save money.

I feel horrible and I have no idea what to do now. I don't know if I should just stay home or if I should go back abroad or what. I feel that a lot of her arguments are emotional (except for the one about saving money) and that it's just hard because I've never lived away from home. Plus she isn't married so I think she has put a lot of her focus on my brother and me. I don't know if it's just empty nest syndrome or if I am being selfish by wanting to experience another country for 5 more months. I will be home for good in June, until I graduate and decide the next step to take in life.

I haven't responded to her email yet and I don't know what to say. I'm doubting whether or not I want to return to Copenhagen. What if her intuition is right?? If I go back abroad and something horrible happens to me?

On the other hand, I am 26 years old and I'm the only one of my friends who still lives at home and has never ventured off. So it's not like I am being completely out of line by wanting to stay a little longer...right? I have a good relationship with my mother and I don't want this to drive a wedge between us. I don't want to hurt her. But I have to make decisions about what is right for me...I just don't know what the right decision to make is. How can I help her cope with this?

Thanks for any suggestions and I know this question was long.

Like mother, like son?

Bardolph — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:04:38 -0800

Plenty of little boys want to grow up to be just like Dad. But to what extent (and how) are boys' interests/activities/identities influenced by their mothers? My firsthand experience with boy-parenting is nil, but it's always seemed to me that the moms of boys get a raw deal. Most of the men I know admire their fathers and share interests/hobbies with them and try to live up to their example; by contrast, they may love their moms, a lot, but there's also a sense of other-ness that prevents any real identification or comradeship (as distinct from simple affection/comfort/nurture).

In fact, articles like this one seem to suggest that boys of a certain age will actually turn up their noses at activities (however exciting) that are initiated by women, while they clamor for inclusion in any project, however dull, that has a big strong Guy at the helm. It doesn't seem to go both ways: growing up as a girl, I definitely wanted to be like my dad in many ways, and absorbed many of his interests and values. But I haven't heard from any boys who want to emulate their mothers.

I'm wondering whether this is just a biological thing, or whether it's possible to shape a different mother-son dynamic. (The issue isn't entirely academic for me, because I have a ~51% chance of becoming a mother to a boy in a few months' time. My husband will be a great role model, but there are also parts of myself that I'd like to share with kids of either gender-- an interest in building/fixing stuff, for instance, and in exploring the outdoors-- and it would be sad to think that a son might spurn these things as girly or uninteresting just because they're associated with Mom. I know any son I might have will, first and foremost, be himself; but I'd like to think he'd turn out at least a little like me, as well.)

I know the mother/son relationship has been discussed before, but just now I'm looking for comments on the female role model issue specifically. Can anyone share personal anecdotes/reading suggestions/recent studies that might help me understand how sons learn from and are shaped by their mothers?

Paralyzed With Resentment

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:30:23 -0800

How can I stop thinking about my father's bigotry, hatred, and intolerance? With the impending election, emotions are crazy right now. My father (and mother), a die hard Republican, is driving me crazy. I know that Republican does not equal racism or intolerance, but my father is a racist and intolerant. He knows I am voting Democrat this year and we are both tense and on the offensive. I rarely discuss politics with him because it's useless. He is unable to engage in civilized conversation. He mostly yells, interrupts, storms out of the room, and bullies me.

Differing political ideology isn't the only thing that is bothering me. I can't stop thinking about the time (three years ago) he told me he thought faulty parenting caused my cousin to be gay. I can't stop thinking about the time when he wanted to join the KKK, and had literature on his desk about the KKK. I think he was a member for a short time. Other things keep running through my head: The time he told me people that wore Malcom X hats were idiots. The endless and numerous lectures that black people were only looking for handouts. The time he accused my mother of raising my sibling and I as "nigger lovers".

In the last several years he has toned down his language, but I know he still holds these beliefs. He rarely used the N-word around growing up. He never denounced homosexuality outright. He has said, I don't care what gay men do, but some of them "do disgusting things." I hate him for it. He has sent me derogatory, racist emails and YouTube links denouncing Obama. He and my mother think all Democrats are "mean and hateful" and "will bite you on the hand if you let them." They also claim that Democrats are either looking for a welfare check, have class envy, or are elitists. I take all of their opinions as a personal attack and feel paralyzed by it. My chest hurts. I get headaches. I'm stressed. I've started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth for the first time in my life. I feel like my father is a monster in a way. Who is this man that raised me? I'm ashamed. I'm envious of people that have normal relationships with their parents. At times I feel I don't want my kids around him, even though he never says anything hateful around my kids. I visit my parents almost weekly. On one of the latest visits he apologized for sending me emails. I never complained about the emails, he just apologized out of the blue.

I'm looking for coping strategies. I wish I could forget about his ignorant ways and accept that he is only fearful. How do I continue a relationship with him without feeling defensive and angry? I'm going crazy. I resent my mother for loving and marrying someone like this. I resent her for sharing his views. I'm on the defensive with both of my parents. I live 10 minutes away. I cannot cut ties. My father and I have had a very strained relationship for a long, long time. He was abusive in my childhood, all the way up to my late teens. Some years were better than others. The running theme was that my father never cared about my opinions. He isn't, and was never, interested in my life. In my dreams, aspirations, or thoughts. I don't think he respects my profession or my gender. I expressed interest in returning to school for my graduate degree. He asked, "What for? and "Why would you want to do that?"

I'm afraid of him in a way. I'm afraid of confrontation. I pleaded with my husband not to put an Obama sticker on his vehicle because, "I didn't want to deal with my father's bullshit."

Even if he wasn't a bigot, I'd still have the past abuse to deal with. I don't blame them for my problems but I do have resentment that surfaces on a regular basis. I'm in my mid thirties now. I've been to months and months of therapy. I thought I had all of this behind me. My father and mother are not without their good qualities. I want a relationship with them. Cutting ties at this stage in our lives would be painful, I think. I do try to avoid them. I don't call my parents as much as I used to. I sometimes blow off visits. I mostly dread visiting them. I'm ill at ease when I'm there. When I speak with my mother on the phone, I'm not myself. I'm afraid of what they might think. I'm afraid that they will judge me and think poorly of my decisions.

How do I cope? How can I be around them and stop being so defensive and angry? How can I relax? I want to be the enlightened person that can maintain a relationship with them without wanting to scream, or hate them.