Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Money and finances

Help me not turn into a hopeless Scrooge!

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:03:45 -0800

I rule at saving money, and suck at the alternative. Please help this frugal girl learn to spend her hard-earned cash without experiencing fits of anxiety. (I know this question might seem a bit ridiculous, but please bear with me.)

Here goes. Over the past five+ years I've managed to save up a decent chunk of cash. Around $40,000, to be more specific, with another $20,000 in retirement savings. I'm 26, so this means that in comparison to my debt-ridden friends, I'm pretty loaded. I have this money through a combination of factors - my parents helped pay for my post-secondary schooling, I worked hard at a good job for the last few years, have no car/mortgage/children/debt, and am generally pretty frugal in my day-to-day life.

This should be a good thing, but instead it's causing me no end of anxiety. I'm currently living abroad and teaching English part-time (on sabbatical from aforementioned job). I could have afforded to simply take a year off to travel, but for an anxiety-prone person this seemed like a bit too much free time on my hands. So the goal was to have the chance to travel and see more of the world, with some daily structure. And, presumably, to spend some of my savings on much-deserved rewards.

Instead I'm agonizing over price tags - whether to buy a dress I don't desperately need but like well enough, go out for dinner or eat at home, stay at a hostel when I travel or at a hotel, etc. It's a constant battle between being a total cheapo and the desire to spend in a worthwhile way, an inner debate on whether something will ultimately be worth the money, or a source of regret. The times I do buy anything remotely expensive (or even average-priced, vs. on sale), it tends to be a bit random and sometimes forced. $60,000 isn't crazy money, but it's more than a need day-to-day, and although I'm proud to have amassed this much, the result is that money has kind of lost its meaning for me. Prices feel arbitrary, and thus confusing.

None of my friends are in the same boat - most are living lives of necessary rather than voluntary frugality, given our meagre paychecks, which makes me even more cash-conscious. My savings are basically a secret, and I don't have a good reference point for what constitutes healthy spending.

I also have no specific goal in mind for this money. I'd like to do an MA some day, but not yet. I'd like to put a down-payment on a house, but later. I don't want a car or anything else with a sizable price tag. I'd be happy to invest my savings (and $20,000 is already invested), but the rates are so awful right now that it doesn't feel like I'm doing much of anything.

Any advice for how to be a healthy saver AND spender, or similar experiences? I'd really like my money to feel like a blessing, and not a burden. I know I could try making a budget, setting monthly allowances, etc, but in the past I've had a hard time sticking to rigid plans in part because my natural inclination is to spend less, which makes a budget feel like needless work. (I could also try to find wealthier friends, I suppose, but I'm a far cry from a trust fund baby, so I don't know if that would do much to engender healthy habits.)

No throwaway email, but I will send follow-up comments/responses to question to mathowie or jessamyn for posting. Thanks in advance.

How can I get myself to stop rationalizing bad behavior?

dumbledore69 — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:05:50 -0800

There are a lot of goals that I am working towards, that are easily within my reach if I just stick to some simple routine tasks. However, I always wind up sabotaging myself by making excuses for or rationalizing getting off track, and ignoring the reminders and cues I have created for myself to stay on track. How can I knock it off so I can reach my goals? I have been doing a lot of work lately on some of my goals, mainly weight loss and getting my finances in order (paying off my credit cards and stop overdrawing my frigging bank account).

I know exactly what I have to do, I know exactly how to do it, and I have done both of these things with fantastic success before. My problem is that whenever I become sidetracked with something else that I consider urgent, or stressed out and cranky, I am really good at either ignoring my big picture goals, making rationalizations for not working towards those goals, or even lying to myself or others about my behavior towards reaching those goals.

I think this is one of my biggest issues, and I just do NOT know how to knock it off.

For example, let's use weight loss.

I have lost large chunks of weight before and kept it off for a good amount of time. I know exactly what to do so that I can do it in a way that is pleasant for me.

To lose weight, basically all I need to do is the following:
- Eat breakfast at home instead of on the run.
- Bring lunch & snacks to work instead of eating out or running to the caf.
- Take 10-15 minutes each evening or morning to plan out my meals for the day (and total the calories or WW points).
- Take 30 min - 1 hour most days of the week to do any workout I choose, whether it's a Wii workout or a video or the elliptical at the gym or a walk outside (and I enjoy all of these things!).
- Remember to face the music no matter how the week went and weigh myself & track my weight every week.

There are other things I try to do, sure, like looking at the balance of the types of foods I eat and taking vitamins and getting enough rest, and so on. But these are the basics.

However, I typically start slipping after a month or two. Usually it's little things at first, but then as other things start stressing me out, I turn to food (or excessive spending, on the financial end) to soothe me and cheer myself up.

And I will recognize this and set up ways to keep myself accountable, like setting up bets with friends (I'll pay them $5 a week if I don't exercise 3x) or websites to nag me daily to remember my goals, etc. I have tried SO MANY awesome tools, and had so much great support from my friends (who despite the fact that they would profit from my failure, always encouraged me).

But it doesn't work, because I will just ignore the email reminders or lie about my workout sessions. It's awful, and I really, truly hate myself for being like that. I even lie to myself sometimes about what I've eaten or readjusting my priorities.

But it always comes back down to the fact that I really do not like where I'm at ... I'm 100+ lbs overweight (though I am a bit down from my high weight), still in credit card debt (though I have paid off quite a large chunk of it so far), and I have like no faith in myself to really keep trying because nothing can keep me honest.

And I know the response is often that I must not want it badly enough or I would just do it and stop lying to myself. But it's NOT that I don't want to lose weight & pay off my credit cards badly...I do. I want it more than anything. Failure to do these things is preventing me from starting a family or to feel secure in my life. Not a day goes by when I don't hate those things about myself.

But it's like a different person takes over when I fall off the wagon and just want to be left alone to eat or spend. It's not me, that person has no goals except to get a little fix from food or spending. It's so stupid, but I seriously do not know what to do.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to deal with this?

How to invest $30k for 3 months?

trbrts — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:09:12 -0800

What are some good low risk ways to invest $30k for about a 3 month period? So, our house is under contract, but, so far we've been unable to find a house that's meeting our requirements. At this point I feel that we aren't going to see anything good until after the holidays. So, we're probably going to switch over to looking for a rental. Rather than just sticking the money in the savings account, I'm open to taking some of it and seeing if we can get some kind of return, but, I don't know anything about investing. So, what are some ways I can invest around $30k for around a 3 month time frame that will see some kind of return. Obviously I can't get too crazy with this money and I understand that 3 months is a pretty short timeframe. Would there be any tax implications in doing this? Thanks in advance.

If you had the opportunity to start over, what would you do?

helios410 — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:34:55 -0800

If you had the opportunity to start over, what would you do? I can't afford to live in Manhattan anymore. After five years of attempting to gain a steady career, it's time for me to throw in the towel.

I am 27 years old. I have a bachelor's degree. And I have freelanced for a handful of television networks for the past 5 years, mostly doing creative editorial (read: post-production) for on-air and web promos. Frankly, I can't tell if it's the fact that it's so difficult to keep a steady flow of work, or I am just generally unimpressed with the job itself, but I am burnt out. Furthermore, financially I am not making ends meet because I only get 1-2 gigs a week (which usually last a day).

What I am looking for is steady work, but my feeling is I have been working in such a niche field that my skills are not portable to other industries. I do consider going back to school for an MBA, but my undergrad GPA is a feeble 2.4 as I was battling depression during college (and still am to this day). Frankly, I am not sure if business school is the way to go. But in today's economy the lingering feeling is an MBA is one of the few masters degrees that usually pays for itself.

Considering I am split between trying to find new work in a budding or stable industry and going back to school, I have two questions:

1) What resources are available to find out where job growth is occurring? Note: I am not limiting myself to the US. If you tell me China, I ask how do I get hired there.

2) Besides US News & Reports, what resources can I use to learn about business school programs, and learn whether an MBA from an average school is worth the cost? Especially those schools who, assuming I managed to pull a kick ass GMAT score, would consider an individual with a less than stellar undergrad GPA like myself.

I have no direction, but I know I need a serious change, because the fact is relying on parents for financially support is taking its toll on how I value myself. Thanks for reading this longish post.

Helping friends in financial difficulty

drzoon — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 08:00:22 -0800

What's the best way for me to help out some friends who are in financial difficulty right now? Two friends of mine, a married couple with a 15 month old son, are having some fairly severe financial difficulties. Both lost their jobs a few months ago and both are unable to find new jobs.

They're currently struggling to pay any bills or even rent. They've applied for crisis loans and are trying to claim unemployment benefits but seem to be having problems doing so. From the sounds of it, they're not quite at the stage of not being able to feed their son, but they will be there in another week or so.

Some further background: about a year ago, when the husband was in work but they were still in some difficulties, I lent them some money to help them with wedding expenses (around £600). I lent the money with the full expectation of not seeing it again and I realise that will most likely be the case.

I'm going out to see them in the next few days and was wondering what (if anything) I could do to help them out. I'm not too keen on giving them more money, as it may just be swallowed up by creditors and they may see very little of it (although it may buy them a few weeks/months respite). I'd prefer something that I knew went to them and their little baby.

A couple of things I've thought of are:
- Take them food shopping
- Give them some sort of vouchers that could only be used in supermarkets
- Take them out for a meal or 2
- Letting them come live with me so they can save money on rent. They live in another city (around 70 miles away from me), while I live in London
- Do nothing and let them figure it out on their own

Some of these options would make me feel worse (if situations were reversed) and I'm not trying to make them feel bad, or for them to feel as though I'm treating them as charity cases.

I have a stable job and a steady income, and 6months+ savings, so I wouldn't be putting myself in any danger giving them something. I do live in a small 1 bedroom flat though, which will be very cramped with 3.5 people living in it. I'm prepared to put up with it for a few months though.

My friends are both originally from outside the UK (Belgium + Australia) and have no family here in the UK. They will most likely leave the country by the end of the year if things haven't improved for them and return to one of their families. Job opportunities in their home countries are far fewer than here, so they are reluctant to leave.

Have any of you been in similar situations and thought: "I wish someone would do x"? Please let me know. Or anything else you think I could (or should) do to help them out.

Please take my financial pulse...

kitcat — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 09:06:15 -0800

What do 'normal' finances look like for university-educated, aspiring upper-middle class married couples who don't have kids yet and don't truly feel like adults? Lately, I find that I'm thinking way too much about money - how much I have, how much more I want, what I should spend extra money on, how much I should save... To top it off, I have this lusty money greediness that I just want to go away. It's actually causing me some real anxiety. I think part of my confusion over all this comes from being brought up in a very low-income family. There were no savings, no RRSPs, no family vacations. I have no good example to follow and I can't tell how I'm doing.

I guess what I'm asking for here is a peer evaluation and a point of comparison: am I financially normal? Am I doing ok? Am I missing out on some financial formula for happiness that you know about? Is what I'm feeling here some kind of class anxiety?

Background: I'm 29, female, married, no kids yet. I have a university education and make $36K a year in Canada. After all necessities, bills, debt payments, modest RRSP contribution and modest savings, I have $80/week disposable income that I plan to waste for a while, given that the trade-off for it is quitting smoking.

For now, my husband and I contribute equally to all living expenses but save, pay off our debts and spend our disposable income separately. We are booth happy about this - at least for now. Whoever manages to pay off their debt first will then begin to help the other person and slowly we will merge our finances completely.

I know this is kind of a weird, all over the place question. I'm trying to allay some anxiety by asking this, but I can't quite tell what the anxiety is all about. Anyhow, I appreciate your responses.

Wasted money

Brennus — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 04:59:52 -0800

Why do people say that they don't want to waste money on rent? I keep hearing people say that they don't want to waste money on rent and that's why they buy a house/condo. I have done the calculations myself and after all fees/maintenance/tax advantages etc. buying is always much more expensive than renting (at least in my current area/financial situation). Do these people (in pretty much the same financial situation) know something I don't or do they just repeat something they have heard without anything to base it on? I don't understand how people forget to consider the interest part of mortgage as wasted money, after all, you are never going to see it again.

What lender should I pick for my student loans?

amalgamator — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 21:36:15 -0800

Which lender should I use for my government student loans? I have previously attended a direct loan school and thus I had to take out my Stafford and GradPLUS loans through the school directly. I am now going to another school that is FFELP school and I can choose my lender. I was given a preferred list from the school. I remember reading that sometimes the preferred list isn't the best deal around. And that you should shop around. However, I've read that it's getting harder and harder to find great borrower benefits such as waiving loan origination fees.

I found a list of the top 100 lenders. Yet #1 on that list is Sallie Mae which is a terrible company?

Have any of you found a lender that you like with good benefits? Anything else I'm missing?

How much extra child support does he need to give?

redhaired_girl — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:32:41 -0800

My new husband has an ex-wife and daughter who live in Colorado. They've been divorced a long time, not exactly on "friendly" terms, but certainly civil, for their daughter's sake. Recently, the kid's grades have been slipping (she's in 8th grade) and Mom decided she needed some tutoring. She signed her up for $10,000 worth of tutoring, without telling my husband in advance, then turned around and demanded half the tuition from him. My husband pays child support, has never been late, even though he's currently unemployed. He told her he couldn't afford $5,000 and even if he could, he doesn't think he should have to pay since she didn't consult him in advance or discuss the matter with him. I was wondering if anyone had any experience with this kind of thing. Does he have to pay her?

Help me find the right online personal accounting software

tippiedog — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 07:49:57 -0800

Which online personal financial software/web site offers 'old school' checkbook ledger-type functionality? I'm old enough that I grew up in the age where you entered your transactions in your checkbook ledger as you made them and then reconciled your ledger to your bank statement. I've used Quicken for a decade to do basically the same thing in a software version.

Plus, I'm a control freak and want to know exactly how much money I have actually spent--not just what my current balance is.

Now, I'd like to move from Quicken to an online application and would like to continue to manage my bank accounts 'old school.'

I've tried mint.com and Quicken online, but they both only really support account management without (or with minimal) manual entry.

I would still like the app to get my bank account feed, but I'd like it to work like old-style reconciling: match my entries up with the bank's cleared transactions.

iPhone support would be a big plus.

No more company-funded tuition reimbursement, how to afford grad school?

etherealclarity — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 10:42:53 -0800

Company was paying for grad school, but had to cut back. I can't put off finishing my degree, but I can't afford the out of pocket expenses either. They also cut back on my 401k. I'm considering a lot of options but none of them seem pretty. What should I do? I just got word that across the board at my company, salaries are being cut 5%, 401k matching is being suspended, and the tuition reimbursement program is being "scaled back", which apparently means they'll only approve one more course for reimbursement for the rest of the year. Given the economic climate, I highly doubt these cuts will be reversed when they re-evaluate in December, and they may even get worse.

I am currently contributing (what used to be) the max for matching funds to my 401k, and am in grad school 2 nights per week earning an MBA, which my company has been reimbursing me for. The classes for this program are approx $2000 each (give or take a little depending on whether you count fees and textbooks), and my plan was to take 4 more classes this year and 4 next year, which would complete my degree. I've been working really hard to try to get my degree done as soon as possible, and for a number of reaosns, putting off classes isn't an option. I also don't have $14k lying around (my emergency fund is somewhat depleted as it is due to a recent large purchase that I chose not to finance, and I can't be sure I won't be laid off next time the cost-cutting measures come around). Saving for tuition will be much harder with the 5% decrease. There are areas I could cut back on, but not enough to save the amount I need. At the same time, I'm concerned about neglecting my 401k... I was planning to start contributing to a Roth IRA soon in addition to my 401k contributions (which I think is even more important now that the matching is gone), but with the tuition and 5% decrease, I'm not sure there will be any money left over to contribute!

I'm considering several options, including doing some freelance work, finding grants/scholarships, and/or student loans. I want to avoid loans if I can, but freelance work takes time (and between the job and school, time is tight as it is), and grants or scholarships seem to be much harder to find for graduate degrees. Do you have any suggestions for what else I could be doing to get through my degree while not neglecting retirement savings or going insane?

Ways to insulate oneself from the economic downturn?

mintchip — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 18:38:21 -0800

Ways to make extra cash during the economic downturn? The thing about this economic downturn is that it's harder to do the usual things people used to do when they were worried about finances. In the past, maybe you'd get a part-time job in addition to your regular job...but many of these are in short supply. Maybe you'd sell things on Ebay...but who's buying nowadays?

I'm wondering if you guys would be willing to share all of your money-making ideas for the economic downturn--creative way to make extra cash on a part-time basis. Things that people may not have thought of.

FinancialFutureFilter: What should I be aiming to do to ensure I'm financially ok into my old age but still living (my version of) a good life 'til then? (Australia-centric)

springbound — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:45:13 -0800

I'm 29, single (assume it's going to remain that way) female, and have spent the last few years saving an amount that's getting close to about $30k, which I presently have in my bank's equivalent of a your average ING Saver account, figuring by now I'd've figured out what I could/was willing to do with it, towards securing some kind of financial future that doesn't involve a cardboard box. I haven't, largely I suppose because I don't know what I need to be aiming for. Looking for advice. More inside. When I began saving, it was with the vague feeling that I ought to do the grown-up thing and buy an apartment at some point to serve as an investment. I'm probably (depending on how I feel when the application's approved) going to go live overseas (Canada) for a few years, at some point in the next five years. To my vague figurings it sounded sensible to buy a two-bedroom place (as all the investment-property-luvvas recommend) and rent it out whilst overseas.

Now, (a) economic times are changing, in ways I've never experienced before so am unfamiliar with what to expect, and (b) I'm not honestly all that comfortable with the idea of being so saddled with debt that I've got no money to do any travelling for the next 30 years (or 'til whenever I could sell this fictitious apartment for some kind of profit, which given deflation and all seems like it could be some years down the track). I'm also in a period right now where I'm disliking the field I'm working in and weighing up what to do next (which will probably involve more study), whether to go overseas, whether not to, etc etc etc -- and thinking about tying myself to a loan that prevents me from studying, prevents me from changing jobs to one that might be a better fit but pays less, and just generally prevents me living my life the way I want to, makes me uncomfortable and trapped-feeling.

So, however, does the thought of reaching retirement age with nothing to my name. I've seen my grandfather struggle on the pension, and he owns his own home. I'm a frugal enough person but I don't want to spent retirement being grossly unhappy and unable to do or buy anything I want to or need. I don't know what's in my superannuation fund right now, but I spent a fair bit of my 20s studying, so I doubt very much; and it's only gotten worse of course with the stock market crapping itself. I work (and have done since I graduated) for an employer who makes only the minimum contributions to it. I make none. I'm not sure whether in the current economic climate I should or shouldn't be reconsidering that.

Obviously I can't have it all, but I want as much a rewarding life as I can have. I don't want to limit my options unnecessarily, but I also want to have a secure financial future. I'm not going to have any kids whose granny-flat I can muscle in on later. ;) My immediate family are now all home-owners, and I suppose the assumption is that I'll do the same thing when I get my shit together enough (I feel pressure, too, but it's largely internal to me: the parents used to make suggestions, but I think these days they've given up on me doing anything remotely suggestive of the smell of success), but I'm also a bit different to the rest of my family in that they all want the nice house in the 'burbs with a two car garage and that makes them happy. I feel isolated in the 'burbs, want to live in areas where there's a bit of interesting stuff happening, and in an ideal world I'd go overseas once a year and change careers four times in my life.

Can anyone offer any advice, specifically, I suppose, about what (if anything), and when, I should do with this $30k I've saved (including the question: is now so bad a time to buy property that I shouldn't even *consider* it?), and, more generally, any other advice on what I should be aiming for in terms of a balance between living-my-life-being-free and having an ok old age? Most of the people around me seem to be better-placed in terms of choices, either through being older and/or richer and/or more established, or partnered with two incomes to play with, and/or with a completely different goal-set; and many are inclined (naturally!) towards suggesting I should do exactly as they have. The few who don't, I worry might be going too easy on me. ;) To clarify, by the way, I'm not saying I wouldn't like to partner and/or perhaps foster a child (the latter would be some ten years down the track); but only the first of those is a priority for me, and in the interests of not counting my chickens when they may never hatch, I'd really appreciate some knowledge about how to proceed if neither ever happen--advice from outside the circle whose advice I'm currently limited to and who also may have an investment of whatever kind in me doing what they've done. Even if you wind up repeating what others think, that would be valuable and appreciated in terms of gaining a good overview of the different approaches out there; plus I trust you guys to be more objective for not knowing me!

Thanks guys. :)

Is there a therapist who can get past my mom's suspicions?

Nattie — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:30:50 -0800

Recommendations for a cognitive behavioral therapist in the Houston area for my mother? He/she is going to have to deal with a lot, especially because she is irrational and suspicious. I need to be sure that the therapist is good because my mom has a lot of issues that need to be addressed, but she tends to be suspicious of anyone who tries, or else she has a nervous breakdown and starts crying.

If it matters, she's in her mid-50s.

- My father died less than a year ago. She has said she might need to get therapy for dealing with this but, to my knowledge, has made no moves yet, so I'm hoping to steer her in the right direction. She understandably feels some anger about his death too, since he died from the Digitek tablets that were mistakenly twice the listed dosage.

- I'm not even sure how to put this except bluntly. For at least five or six years now, she has read a website that has lead her to believe all of the following: the government puts microchips in people's brains to program them, but people can be "deprogrammed" if they do the right things; reptile shapeshifter people exist that look just like normal human beings; the husband of the couple who runs the website has been abducted and informed by various different species of aliens of all this stuff; etc. They often take news stories and twist them into evidence of their claims. They post other things daily, like aliens landed here but it's been covered up, or the numerology of this and that means some outrageous thing, and so on.

It is extremely delusional and paranoid, but you can't disagree with her because she just thinks anyone who denies it does so because they're programmed to. If pressed on the more ridiculous stuff sometimes she will say she doesn't take it very seriously, but trust me, she does. It's very awkward to watch TV with her and have her say she thinks someone is a reptile, or for her to talk about someone being rude to her at work and attributing it to their programming or something.

The website also told her that California is going to physically break off from the United States apparently within our lifetime, and uses this as a reason why I should not move there with my husband who recently got a job there. She became very upset and started crying when we tried to explain to her that land masses take much longer than that to break off, if it's going to break off at all. Things like that make it very upsetting to be around her now. She is trying to influence the direction of my life based on completely out-there, untrue claims.

If I hadn't seen the website for myself I would think she'd developed some sort of mental illness, but she's always just been very impressionable and superstitious. Since she holds a lot of irrational beliefs, apparently because they make her feel better on some level (i.e. to believe she's deprogrammed and everyone else isn't), I think CBT would be best for her, but I think (I hope I'm wrong) this is probably more difficult to deal with than your typical patient.

- On a similar note, she will make stuff up and then believe it 100%. It's disturbing. For example, another one of her arguments against our moving to California was that the rent was three times higher there. When we told her we were only paying a couple hundred dollars a month more than we were in Austin, she would move on to another irrational argument, then come back to the "three times higher" argument again.

- More irrationality: she's maybe $100,000 in debt but she won't even compile her financial data to find out. When I asked her why, she admitted it was because then she'd have to deal with it, and she was scared. I pointed out that she was paying all the bills anyway so it doesn't make a difference, and that the only way she can make things better is to look at it. She doesn't even know what interest rate her credit cards are, for example, so she's paying way more than she needs to; she has a card that's 30% interest rate with a balance on it that she could entirely transfer to a 20% interest rate card. She won't do it. I have offered to do it for her and she just says she'll think about it.

This is going to turn out very badly if she doesn't get help soon.

- She is extremely judgmental. She was completely anti-racist as I was growing up, until about high school when she started hating Hispanic people because we lived in a Hispanic ghetto, and then after Hurricane Katrina she started hating black people because crime rates in Houston went up. This has gotten progressively worse and it's quite upsetting. I can't have a conversation with her anymore without racist stuff coming up, even in the oddest places. (It would be more bearable for me if I could just avoid certain topics, but it doesn't work that way.) It makes her feel better on some level to believe that she's better than minorities and that they're the cause of her problems, so I think CBT might help with that.

- She worries about everyone, for mostly irrational reasons. She has always been this way, even since she was a child. The 24/7 worrying makes her an emotional mess, and in the past has had a lot to do with why she cries and has nervous breakdowns. I don't see how this can continue and I don't like seeing her get worse.

- This has started to affect our relationship negatively. She loves me more than anything and can't deal with my moving out of the state, especially after my dad has died. I understand that. But the ways in which it comes out lately have been very upsetting. She is negative and resentful of anything that makes me happy or I am excited about. She sighs about how different I am from her and calls me weird for normal things like being an introvert, which makes me feel very unaccepted. (I'm not a "weird" introvert either; I go out a lot and have normal friends. She calls me weird for being tired by social interaction.)

I try to see her more often to make her feel better, and because I used to have so much fun with her, but the last few times I have visited her she has been so negative and unaccepting of me that I've been entirely unhappy and just want to leave. I can't just go fake it either, because it's gotten to the point where I have nothing I can safely talk to her about. I point out how I'm feeling about specific things, like when I told her to quit being negative about California, but just that made her cry. I think if I told her that her behavior was pushing me away, instead of making me want to see her more, it would absolutely destroy her. Normally I would agree that telling her how I feel is the best solution, but I think it's well past the point where such a thing would be safe and I don't think I'm qualified to deal with the extent of her problems.

I'm hoping if I can recommend a cognitive behavioral therapist and say it's to help her deal with losing my father and my moving away, especially because she already expressed some interest in it, maybe the other stuff will get slowly dealt with too.

I'm not the only one affected by this either.

Sorry for the long explanation, but I partly wanted to vent and partly wanted to show how important it is that the therapist really know what he/she is doing. I think it would be difficult for any therapist to deal with my mom thinking they're trying to steer her wrong because they have a chip in their head, for example, and she's going to cry and deny things a lot.

One other caveat: I would prefer someone who's not going to drug her. I realize such a thing might be necessary but I would rather that conclusion be reached after a significant amount of sessions. She tends to have bad reactions to medications, too (runs on her side of the family, it seems) so that's a concern.

Thanks for reading all this and any suggestions you might have.

Does a conservatorship form of financial counseling exist?

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:08:13 -0800

Is there a such a thing as a voluntary financial conservatorship that I could convince someone to sign up for? There is someone in my life who is terrible with money and needs help. This person is not elderly and does not have dimensia, she just cannot handle her own finances. Is there a financial counseling type service where this person could sign over her accounts and paychecks to a service that, for a fee, will pay her bills and debts for her and issue her an allowance for groceries and whatnot from the excess? I don't know anything about debt relief/credit counseling type places, so any information would be helpful. Also, the names of reputable companies that offer this service would be appreciated, if this service does exist. She can't just set up automatic bill pay. If she retains any control over her finances, the problems will continue. I am not prepared to do this myself, so that is out. It would have to be a service that would do it for her. Thanks.

How do I get through a terrible vacation without a meltdown?

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 07:33:20 -0800

How do I de-stress during and after an awful, expensive vacation? I am in the midst of a disappointing, stressful vacation and will be returning in a couple of days to my stressful, low-paying job. The breaking point is near. Help it to not happen. I originally went on this vacation with the anticipation of having an excellent time visiting good friends I haven't seen in a while. I was also looking forward to a much-needed break from my job.

But as the departure date grew closer, I began to have second thoughts. It became apparent during the planning process we'd mostly be doing activities I find uninteresting at best, stressful at worst, and attempts to suggest other activities were ignored. It looked like the vacation was going to be a good deal more expensive than I could afford, and I felt the friends I'd be visiting have changed in a such a way that we'd no longer connect as we once did.

But my travel partners (including my significant other) encouraged me to not bail out and promised it would be great, and so I came along anyway. My gut instinct has unfortunately been pretty much right on track. I don't even want to call what I'm on right now a vacation, because "vacation" implies a degree of relaxation I'm not even close to experiencing right now. I'm stressed from doing lots of activities that I hate and are way, way too expensive for my budget. It feels like I'm experiencing all of the stress of my day-to-day life, only without the opportunity to engage in the hobbies that relax me, and with the extra kick of losing money instead of earning it (I have an hourly job). I skirt the poverty line, so the money issue is a big one.

It does not help that this would have been my first real, no-strings-attached vacation in many, many years, and due to money, job, and school issues there won't be another one for a relatively long time.

I can't simply bail on the expensive, awful activities, as everyone else really wants to do them and me sitting at the hotel or going off on my own would lead to bad feelings all around. When I have made the suggestion of doing something like that the reaction has been bad enough that I worry there would be some tremendous melt-downs if I actually went through with it.

And yet I'm having trouble hiding the fact that I'm upset at myself for not initially standing my ground and not going and upset at my friends and significant other for badgering and guilt-tripping me into coming here. The vacation is not over yet. I need a way to get through the rest of it, and then get back into the super-stressful job and devastated finances without completely exploding from disappointment and rage. How can I make the best of this?

Artist + biz = hope me

typewriter — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 13:45:41 -0800

Has anyone used mac freelance to manage their freelance biz? I am a freelancer wearing different hats in different creative industries. I like it like this as I am bored easily. But I am not great at managing the financial end. For instance, I have no idea in any given month how much I make because everything is so different, running on different timeframes and with completely different guidelines. I am okay with numbers (I have managed budgets of up to 65,000) but I have never tried to track my business(es) as it is far from intuitive for me. I have mostly just tracked things with a notebook. Eg. How much will I get paid? And when it gets paid, I highlight the entry. Now I am getting too busy and dare I say successful, that this system is really no longer sustainable. Will this program be useful and adaptive enough for me? Or is there some other way to do this easily? Any other financial freelancey tips more than welcome.

Resource for evaluating past stock recommendations?

ibmcginty — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 07:10:23 -0800

Is there anyone (especially online) who's collected reasonably well-informed stock picks from, say, 2, 5, or 15 years ago and explained why the recommendations did or did not work out? Is there a better way to track that stuff down than hunting around for old articles on financial websites? It seems like making the effort to learn from mistakes in the past would help guard against over-optimistic, irrationally exuberant picks today.

Help me get the hell out of Dodge (or rather, Arizona) and on track to feeling good again!

actionpact — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 11:10:22 -0800

My life is stuck and it's making me feel incredibly depressed. Help me see the light and get on track for getting out of here. This is long and a mess, and if you read it all the way through you're a champ because I feel like there's no simple catch-all answer to my problem. (I thank you in advance!)

I'm feeling this huge weight on myself that I just can't figure out how to shake. I'm relatively young (25 on Tuesday!) and a girl, and I moved cross country from CT to AZ two years ago to shorten up a long-distance relationship. Stupidly though, I really wanted to be carless, due to environmental and financial concerns. Since then I've spent most of my time being self-employed as an illustrator-- I love what I do, but so far I'm not being successful enough to stand on my own two feet. Jobs come sporadically, and checks come even more so. This is a huge point of stress for me, but I've always been told it takes a lot of time and effort to get off the ground, so I've been mostly okay with that. But the financial concerns are big. The mister has been really supportive and pays most of the expenses, but I'm still struggling over student loans and some small credit card debt. I bought myself a tricycle a year ago (didn't know how to ride a real bike, still don't yet) and it helped with my sanity level. I figured I could get around a little more and get a part time job to supplement things. But it got stolen a month and a half ago and I'm once again effectively a shut-in. Except for mister actionpact's friends, I really haven't met anyone here (despite some small efforts of trying), and certainly no one I feel close to, and no one I can be creative with. My close friends are scattered across the country now, and I miss them constantly.

Since I moved out here, I held two part time jobs-- each lasted slightly under a month and then I just quit, not showing up to work again. To be fair the reasons weren't totally offbase-- one I quit because my dad was in the hospital and I thought I'd need to go home, and the other I quit because it was too far for me to bike (nearly passed out in the process) in the dead of summer. But still, I'm embarrassed at the way I just ditched those jobs. Very unprofessional. I tried to apply to some more jobs around here since then but so far have found nothing. The jobs I've applied to never phone back. I figured that owning my own business and being self-employed would be a plus, but I'm afraid I'm unemployable. I can't seem to figure out what kind of useful skills I do have, so it makes the job hunt hard. I'm nice and friendly, though I'm not especially pretty, so I have been turned down from waitressing jobs, for example. I'm also afraid to look for a full time job because I know myself and I would probably slack on my creative efforts if I put my whole time into another job. Plus, I don't like it here, and I'm afraid to settle into a job and get stuck here. (Irrational? Sure!) I know I'm depressed about this all, and could use some therapy, but to make matters worse I'm uninsured, and the only therapist I could get to currently I can't really afford.

I know I'm young, and I know that things aren't entirely hopeless; fortunately I've been blessed with supportive family and my boyfriend, and I have an unsinkable optimism that things will eventually turn around. But I still feel pretty darn trapped right now. It's causing mild strain to my relationship which could further escalate, and I really don't want that. I started seriously exercising last week to help with the depression levels and feel more energetic. I just don't know what else I should do. A friend offered to teach me how to drive, and I believe we have a spare car I could use. But I've been so reluctant to do so. I don't know if it's the fact I'm already broke so the cost of gas seems impossible, or my own strong feelings on the subject of car use. Maybe there's something I could donate to in order to offset the emissions once I had more money. I've tried really hard to be carfree, but maybe I can't win this fight. This is a car place, so maybe I just have to live with the guilt for now.

Well, anyway I know this is long and I must apologize in advance (but it does feel good to vent). I know there are lots of people who have it much worse, so this kind of feeling mostly just makes me want to kick my own ass. But I know I'm not living up to my potential and it's making me sad, because I know there's a lot of good I could do if I were less afraid and more in control of my life. Mister actionpact and I both agree this is not the place for me; I hate it here really. I keep wanting to make a change (like move to someplace like Portland OR, or go to grad school at the School of Visual Arts in NYC) but I just don't know how to get there at this point. Any suggestions of what I should do? I know people say 'if you have an idea, make the leap! It can't hurt' or something like that--but it's really hard when I'm clouded by depression and loneliness and financial strains.

And maybe on a more specific note, could you answer this question? When I apply to jobs I don't know how to bring up the subject of those two jobs from the past. A friend of mine told me that these are crap jobs and you don't have to write these down, but more and more places have background checks so I don't know. Sometimes I don't write them down as part of my job history, sometimes I do. Either way I haven't gotten any work out of it-- not sure whether it's due to a lie of omission or the bad portrait it paints of me. I am a good worker, I just can't figure out how to show them this.

Thanks in advance. I've read a lot of helpful questions already but I still feel incredibly stuck, so I hope I can make 25 a better year than 23 and 24 have been!

Money and banking for American expats.

Mr Bunnsy — Thu, 15 May 2008 09:47:15 -0800

Expats, particularly Americans abroad, how do you manage your money? Do you keep a US bank account for your credit cards, student loans, etc? Do you try to use a bank with global branches like Citi or HSBC? Do you keep any money in the US accounts beyond the bare minimum? (With the current exchange rates, I would guess not?) What about your 401k/IRAs?

Do you try to maintain a credit history in the US by occasionally using US-based credit cards, or keeping your name on former roommates' leases or utilities? Do you have a friend or relative manage your bills, or a paid financial planner or lawyer?

Was there any financial issue you were kicking yourself about after moving, and wishing you'd taken care of it while still at home?

Any other info and generic advice is appreciated. Thanks!

advisor for beneficiary accounts

D-ten — Tue, 06 May 2008 09:58:01 -0800

I'd like to cash out some beneficiary investment accounts. I'd like to know in advance what the taxes and penalties (if any) would be. In other words, what would be the cash remaining from this. I've been asking my tax prep person for help and he's been referring me to a CPA and a pay for play investment counselor. Neither of those conversations gave me what I needed. I just need someone who can help me understand the net result of cashing in a beneficiary 401K and IRA. I have an account with Charles Schwab. Perhaps they would be the best people to ask? It would be nice to know all the aspects of doing this before making a decision.
Ultimately, having a financial advisor would be great. Where do I find this person who can start with the question above?

How do I take on these financial burdens, step by step?

cowbellemoo — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 09:15:25 -0800

My crappy car was deemed totaled and I'm going to accept the payout and finance a new used car. I'd also like to move into an apartment soon. Step by step, how do I wrangle this plan into fruition? Current situation: I co-own an old Corolla with my mom and I'm listed on her insurance. I was in an accident and the at-fault driver's insurance is taking the claim. I went in for an estimate and they said they're considering it totaled and will contact me with an offer. I'd like to take the payout (guessing ~$800) and finance a reliable car for around $10k. I have good credit for my age, $4k in credit debt, $15k in student loans, no savings. I pull in about $1300 per month after stu. loan payments. I live with my mother (so no rent, but I pay utilities and groceries). I'd like to move out within a few months.

So my three financial changes are: finance new used car, move auto insurance to my own account, and eventually get a modest apartment.

My questions: Step by step, what should I plan on? How much cash I should have available, and at what point for each step? Since the car's financing is adjustable, what downpayment/monthly bill/contract length should I shoot for? How can I handle the car handover so I'm not carless at any point?

I've only recently developed the confidence to strike out on my own, and these problems are one of my biggest sources of anxiety, so any help on these points is deeply appreciated.

Is a joint credit card a good or bad idea?

ml98tu — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 07:00:14 -0800

My fiancé and I are considering getting a joint credit card and I had a few questions about it. Background: Engaged to be married, living together and all finances are joint (with the exception of assets in existence before we moved in together six months ago). We have four credit cards between us, with him actively using a Discover card as well as a Visa/MasterCard card for places that don’t take Discover. I really only use one card on a regular basis, a Visa/MasterCard. I’m pretty much the one that takes care of the bills, mostly because I get home first. We pay all balances in full each month. We both have very good credit and no credit-card debt.

I am trying to get us to stick to keeping a budget, which I know we can do, but it’s hard with fragmented finances and all the different cards. I don’t usually know what he’s spent until the statement comes in 3-4 weeks later, so it’s hard to have a real-time picture of how much is left in the various categories of the budget. Plus, it would probably simplify things if we just used one card for both of us since it all comes out of the same place and would be one bill vs. three.

We have been talking about a joint credit card for some time, but I feel sort of uneducated and a little nervous about the whole thing. Other than the possibility that I could go on a wild spending spree and he’d be liable for the charges, what are the risks of a joint card (particularly if we’re not yet married)? How can we protect ourselves from these risks (including that spending spree)? And finally, what cards do you recommend? We both like the cards we’re with – so should one of us add an authorized user to the account, or should we start fresh with a new account together? Any recommendations on non-travel reward cards? Is there anything else I should be asking or considering? Am I over-thinking this? I found a few articles on the web, but they were kind of generic and for people with bad credit or debt problems, so I thought I'd turn to you guys.

Thanks everyone.

Love and Money

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:12:41 -0800

My husband of five months and I have different attitudes towards money. He’s more money conscious that I am, at least, that’s what he calls it. I think of his “money-consciousness” as a cross between minor cheapness and money obsession. I am right now at a crossroads in the relationship and I don’t know how to solve it or whether I should even continue it. His behaviors:

- On our first date he insisted we split the bill. Ever since he’s behaving in a way that means that we always have to be even. Everything has to be split evenly, if I owe him money, he makes sure to remind me to repay it, etc. While he insists on us being even – the insistence is only on the occasions that benefit his interest. If the imbalance is such that I pay for it and if I tell him not to worry about it, he never protests or insists that he should return money to me/pay me back. One example – we were splitting the cost of groceries, I suggested that we adjust the percentage from 50/50 to 60/40 since he’s a man and he eats much more that I do. He essentially ridiculed me for this idea. Another example, we were splitting the cost of Christmas gifts for our parents, at some point he started acting weird and instead of splitting the cost of digital camera (for my mom and dad) as we agreed on, he suggested he’ll pay just for the memory card (about 45 euros). When I asked him if he was serious, he asked me: “What? It’s not enough?” We fought. I found his response just wrong on many, many levels – he didn’t really see anything wrong with it.

- Recently, he told me that his aunt has given us an amount of money (about 10,000 euros) to start our life together (buy furniture for the new apartment etc.). He said she gave him the money and told him to spend it on things we need – the attached card is addressed to both of us. Immediately he started planning on how to spend it – some should go to furniture and the rest towards a new car for him (b/c he needs one). When I jokingly pointed out that he shouldn’t be so fast with spending it b/c it’s for both of us, he sarcastically asked me if he should wire me half of it. The next day he expressed some doubts whether the money was in fact for us because she actually gave it to him and after all she is his aunt, not mine. We got in a fight (to me it’s not the matter of money, since I didn’t expect it and don’t really need it, but what infuriated me is that he said it was for us and then went back on it – it makes me feel like he’s greedy and would screw me over for money)

- A few times I heard him say that he would do something slightly unethical for more money. For example, he was entitled to a tax relief but needed to obtain a copy of my lease. It looked like for various reasons he wouldn’t be able to get a copy. To which he suggested that he will just fake the lease and submit it with his tax statement. Other examples include getting paid twice for an interview and not returning the money after noticing the mistake. Then wondering whether he should return it after the company contacted him asking for refund (we’re talking about around 500 euros). These things bother me – I find them dishonest.

My behaviors:

- I don’t think we need to be even all the time. I think that with time it evens out anyway. If I see something he would like – like a nice watch for 200 euros, or a book for 20, I will buy it for him and give it to him without any occasion. Lately, due to his behavior, I feel like I don’t really want to spontaneously get things for him anymore.

- I am relatively responsible with money. I have a lot of savings (as does he) and neither one of us has any debts. We both earn quite a bit, although his salary is higher. We have separate accounts and no joint assets. I do not have the cutthroat attitude to get more money and search for occasions that would make me richer like he does (on some level I admire him for this attitude b/c it will assure his wealth but on another I despise him when he applies this attitude to me).

- When push comes to shove, I tend to have too much pride and say – You can stick your money. Take your aunt’s 10,000 grand, I’m not entitled to it and I don’t even want it. You’re haggling with me over splitting the cost of Christmas gifts for my parents? Screw you, I’ll pay for everything myself – I don’t need anything from you. He usually doesn’t protest and I think is secretly happy about me telling him not to contribute.

Additional Background:

- He comes from a family that was never very affluent but at the same time not poor (parents are both teachers – they lead a comfortable life, but nothing too crazy). My parents are rather rich and I will potentially inherit a lot of money (currently though, I am completely on my own and don’t receive any money from them, apart from an occasional Christmas/Birthday gift). I think some differences in our approach to money may come from what our families have (or don’t have) and the inherent sense of in/security in this. However, even though I can find this an extenuating circumstance, I find his behavior very off-putting. I feel like I can’t trust him with money – I am at a point where I want him to sign a postnuptial agreement specifying that all gifts/inheritance received from my family will be solely mine (because in case things go bad, I feel that he’ll try to get every last penny out of me). On one hand I feel he’s backed me into this corner with his behavior – on the other I feel like this is not a way to live nor to start your marriage. It disturbs me that my normally trusting and easygoing brain is sending me signs that I should protect myself just in case. This makes me actually rethink whether we should stay married (it is such a contentious issue for me and so strong of a sentiment) even though I love him very much and have no doubt that he loves me.

So here I come hive mind, to ask for advice on how to change this situation. How to show to my husband that his behavior is wrong? Also, to verify whether it is in fact wrong or am I some naïve, oversensitive drama queen. Maybe everyone is the way he is and I’m just the odd person who just simply doesn’t know how to take care of her business and has a deluded vision of what is right. (In that case, please provide me with advice on how to be more assertive about money and how to be more more like him). Also, any insights from people who were in similar situation and managed to change it or failed at changing it, would be appreciated. Any advice on changing his or my behavior that will lead to a happy ending would be great.

My throwaway email address is metanony@yahoo.com

money troubles

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:04:39 -0800

I want to start being more financially responsible. My husband doesn't want to hear it. Can I do this without hurting our marriage? How? A bit of background: We've been together for nine years, married for one, and we have two kids, 7 and 1. We got together when we were quite young (and had our first baby immediately) and started out beyond broke. We're doing much better than we used to, but we're still broke - and worse, we're in debt all over the place. We're behind on everything.

He works full-time and makes most of the money. His income mostly goes to our family/living expenses. I go to school, work part-time and my money goes to pay off child care and my cell phone and credit card bills. Neither of us are particularly financially responsible. Neither of us have good credit. I shop too much and have the credit card debt to prove it. The responsibility belongs to both of us. I know this. But things are spiraling out of control, and I want it to stop. I want to start acting like grown-ups, get our shit together, maybe make a budget, maybe even start saving a little, especially with the recession coming up (or happening already). But the family money isn't mine, and he refuses to think about it or talk about it. And it's getting us into trouble.

Things have been getting progressively worse. His bank account is currently hundreds of dollars in the negative. He just got this account recently because his previous bank account went hundreds of dollars in the negative. He has a credit card with a $200 limit that he hasn't paid since god knows when. He hadn't paid our cell phone or internet or insurance bills in months and they were about to be shut off, so I paid them when I got my student loan. We were two months behind on the rent until I paid that with my student loan too. Now we're one month behind. We owe money to our daughter's school and I don't even know who else. The money we get is his - he gets the paychecks and deposits them into his account. At one point we had some savings in an account that served as overdraft protection for his checking account, but now that's gone. I have no access to any of it. I don't know where it goes. He doesn't either. And I can't even ask him. He gets tense and stressed out and angry if I say anything about money at all, to the point that he has straight up told me on multiple occasions that he doesn't want to hear it and he doesn't want to think about it, so he won't. But isn't not thinking about it what got us here in the first place?

He's burned out and depressed – clinically, probably, but he dismisses the idea if I mention it, saying that what makes him unhappy is his situation and that drugs or therapy couldn't help with that. He says that it's really upsetting and depressing to him that he works so much and is tired all the time and never sees any of it or has anything to show for it. He admits that there are things that he spends money on that he could cut down on, like not bringing a lunch to work or going out to the bar with his friends, but he says that he's too exhausted or he doesn't have time or he wants to do fun stuff that makes him happy on his off time to make him feel better about working so much. I can understand how he feels. I'm exhausted and stressed out about juggling the responsibilities of school and work and kids too. But he says that there's no way that anything can or will ever change about our situation, and I don't believe that at all. When I graduate, we'll have dual incomes, and when the kids get older we'll have more time to ourselves. I don't think it's inevitable that we'll be broke forever. I think we're managing our money badly and there's room to improve. There has to be.

I want things to change. On my end, I'm trying. I have ADHD and I'm terrible with organizational stuff and paperwork, but I've been using financial software to track my spending and remind me to pay my bills and stuff, and it's been useful to me. I know where my money goes and I don't bounce checks or miss payments - but I can only do this with my (limited) money and not the family finances, and I think it would be a useful tool for all of us. Today I brought up the suggestion that we sit down as a couple with the numbers and work out a budget. He got upset (as he always does) and said that he doesn't want to deal with it. At all. I said that I'd really like it to be something that both of us are responsible for, but that if he really doesn't want to or isn't willing to deal with it, that I wanted to at least take on part of the responsibility of doing so. I asked him if he was interested in the possibility of a joint checking account; he said no, that it would go negative twice as fast. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said “Fine, I'll just sign the checks over to you then!” But he's not happy about it. He says that it means that he never has any money and can never do anything fun, and that it'll make him feel even worse about working so much and about his life. I asked him if he wanted an allowance and he said that he thought it would make him feel dependent on me. I asked him if there was any solution that would make him happy. He said no, nothing about this stuff could ever make him happy.

This isn't what I wanted. Ultimately, I'd like us to do this together. But if he won't do it, somebody has to be taking the responsibility, right? Is there a better way for me to be doing this? What can I do? How can I keep him happy? I don't want him to be stressed out or miserable, but I do want us to be above water.

(And before anyone says it, DTMFA is not an option. I'm feeling frustrated with him right now, but he's a wonderful, loving husband and a caring father and my best friend in the world. I want us to get through this together and be stronger for it.)

Thanks, y'all.