Hive mind, I'm looking for effective conflict resolution techniques/behaviors. A lot of what is written online seems a little too artificial to work in reality with the different personalities of people. What has worked for you in marital conflicts/arguments and why do you think it works? It is said it's not that a couple has fights but how they fight that matters. Having been in a relationship where one person simply doesn't validate the other person's issues and still expects peaceful co-existence, and the other person has a lot of anger in return, i'm trying to figure out what behavioral changes can we make to improve our conflict resolution. Some more details inside [more inside]
I’m a 35-yr-old cis woman married to a wonderful man. I’m attracted to him in every way, and we’ve been together for 10 years. This is the first time I’ve needed to reach out for this problem… [more inside]
You are not my lawyer. But I want to know if this is possible, and should I find a lawyer? It involves a divorce and taxes in New Jersey. [more inside]
Until I slept with someone else, I didn't realise what I was missing. But I can't break up our lives on a whim. I don't know what to do. [more inside]
Is it possible to teach an adult how to be considerate and respect boundaries? If a child grows up without boundaries, is it impossible to learn? [more inside]
I have been married with an older woman for about 4 years and now I have developed interests towards younger girls. [more inside]
I am about to graduate college with a business degree, a mediocre gpa, and very little experience. I have not made a single friend in college or been in a relationship. I lived with my parents for the whole entire time in college and they expect me to be married before leaving the house. I tend to succumb to extreme laziness and procrastination. I can spend 8 hours daily on the internet instead of doing homework. This procrastination has seeped into my job search. Am I ever going to be prepared for life? [more inside]
What are men bringing to a modern marriage? I read lots of poorly referenced stories about how they increase a women's workload, don't perform emotional labor, and do much less of the child rearing. So what are men bringing to the table? [more inside]
Over five years ago I (male) decided to separate from my wife. We’ve been married for 16 years. The dam burst of emotion that fueled my decision to separate was spent before going all the way to divorce. She hasn’t divorced me either. Neither of us has dated anyone else. Things have simmered to an uneasy state of limbo, where we’re technically married, yet more like just friends and co-parents. How do you break out of an indecision so powerful that any choice feels like dying? Warning: tsunami of text inside! [more inside]
Wife and I have been having been in couples counseling for past 5 months for issues that started 2-3 years prior. How do you know when you should stop putting effort into saving the marriage? [more inside]
I am the sleeping equivalent of the princess and the pea. My partner is a restless sleeper. For years, we've solved this problem by pushing two ikea twin beds together. As a gift to ourselves, we just bought a beautiful bed. Popped our two mattresses in....and discovered that the motion transfer problems have returned. Much sadness and gnashing of teeth has ensued. Please help! Details inside. [more inside]
Is a minor marriage related name change discrepancy between state driver's license and social security card going to be a problem? [more inside]
My wife and I are thinking of signing up for one of the Gottman Institute's weekend couples' workshops in Seattle. We're wondering if it's worth the $800 price tag, or if we could put the time and money to better use in terms of helping our marriage. [more inside]
2 weeks ago my husband quietly said that he was moving out. We met in college and have 2 grown children who moved out 2 years ago. My husband retired last March and I retired in January. His news blew me away. Finally we would be able to be with each other and do things together. He says he still loves me, but can't forgive me for having such a strong relationship to my father (who died last October)....he feels that I had always loved my father more than he and he is tired of feeling this way about me and does not believe me that I do truly still love him and always have. [more inside]
My spouse confessed to me that she had an emotional affair. It hurts really bad and I want to figure out how to learn and prepare in case it happens again. [more inside]
All the marriage-related "to do" lists I've found online are aimed at wedding-related activities. What about all the stuff that has to do with designating each other one's chief emergency contact, legal financial partner, etc.? I mean, I told my car insurance company that I'd gotten married and they were like, "GOOD THING YOU TOLD US. THAT CHANGES THINGS." So....yikes. I know I probably should be declaring my husband my emergency contact and heir and whatever, but I'm just not sure what TO do, exactly, and I can't find a good list to guide me. In short, I am soliciting all your "don't forget to do this now you've got a spouse" tips, no matter how big or how small.
Please help me navigate the waters of handling an inheritance. Question inside. [more inside]
My husband is a good guy. He consistently provides me with solutions to problems that a) aren't actually the problems, b) cause more work and stress for me, and c) perpetuate purchases instead of pitching in. I need help. But not like this. Advice on/scripts for discussion, please? [more inside]
I'm wondering if anyone knows of a marriage ceremony (or marriage ceremonies) from anywhere in the world in which the bride isn't "given away" as in your standard Christian ceremony? Specifically, I'm wondering if there are any in which the father (or whoever) and husband make an agreement to jointly care for the bride. Of course, I know ceremonies can basically be custom-tailored these days, but I'm wondering if there are any traditional ceremonies in which this is a thing. Really just random curiosity (and potentially future planning ;) )! Thanks, everyone!!
My spouse sometimes eyes other women, almost always the same "type." I find this absolutely gutting, especially since I don't fit that type. How can I deal with it better? Snowflakes below the fold. [more inside]
My new guy does not like dogs the same way I do. Mainly he believes large dogs should be outside at all times because then if they poop he doesn't have to clean up large poop. He states he's a dog lover. [more inside]
Please suggest in-depth, emotionally intelligent, not overloaded with cliches and gender stereotyping, books about: marriage, marriage therapy, the psychology of relationships etc. [more inside]
My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We started dating at almost 20. We generally have a good marriage, good communication, and love each other. However, several times over the past few years, my husband has told me that he is not attracted to my body. He still thinks my face is pretty and we still have sex about once a week, 2x a month if we're busy, and it's good. I'm having trouble getting past the fact that he feels this way, though. I'm angry and resentful. How do I move past this? [more inside]
We have a great relationship. For lots of reasons, it would make sense for us to get married in the near future. But she wants kids, and I'm not sure I do, or ever will. Would getting married be a bad idea, particularly if the likely alternative is to break up? [more inside]
In the Western world today, what differences or disparities (if any) still exist between the genders in terms of legal rights, responsibilities, and protections broadly related to marriage? [more inside]
I have a running joke with my girlfriend regarding an over-elaborate way that I want to propose to her, what I'd love to do is catch her completely off-guard by actually pulling it off! [more inside]
Can you link me any music in which not wanting to get married is mentioned? Examples would be Archie, Marry Me by Alvvays (from which the titular lyric is taken) and Burnin' Through the Nite by The Sweethearts ('don't wanna get married'). The song can be about anything, just so long as not wanting to get married is mentioned somewhere. And I'd prefer to stick to songs outside of contemporary mainstream pop.
I am 28, female. My boyfriend is 27. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years. He has consistently talked about marriage, “someday when we’re married” etc. and I don’t doubt he really meant it in the moment. But, as seems pretty typical, I get the feeling that his “someday” really means “after you’ve dated me for 5-6 years and we’re both 31.” I don’t want to wait that long. [more inside]
Was it typical/usual/done at all for immigrants to the US (20th century, pre-WWI) to marry in the United States even if they had previously married in their country of origin? [more inside]
I'm a woman in San Francisco. Where should I go and what should I do do to find a man who wants marriage and a child in the near future, say 1 - 3 years? Specific examples of worked for you and for the people you know as well as concrete advice would be great. Thanks! [more inside]
Oh geeze… Help me get over being a commitaphobe… Or reassure me that sometimes relationships that start in your teens are not doomed to failure just because conventional wisdom says they are. [more inside]
Can HIGH risk HPV be transmitted by performing oral sex? [more inside]
Have you attended an intensive couples therapy retreat, or gone through an intensive couples therapy experience? Do you know about outstanding programs that are worth traveling for? Please, please share with us. My partner and I are going through a crisis, and we're looking into intensive couples therapy and retreats to jumpstart our work. We are interested in considering all excellent programs, but we are also open to hearing about terrific therapists in the Chicagoland area who may be willing to work with us intensively. If you worked with an amazing therapist in the Chicago area, please let us know. We are having a super difficult time right now and would be grateful for information and recommendations. [more inside]
A very close friend (American) is marrying someone from another culture (Iranian), and they currently both live and work in another country (Singapore). They love to travel and neither of them are religious (in fact, both are atheists.) I'm helping them design a wedding ceremony and am looking for a non-religious poem or reading that compares love to the experience of travel and/or encountering new cultures. I've searching online fruitlessly. The couple seems not to like Rumi-style romantic poems, so something more wry/modern would be great. Thank you MeFi!
My partner and I will be taking advantage of Colorado's unique self-solemnizing law, which allows couples to marry themselves (no city official or pastor or even witnesses required.) That means we can create a meaningful marriage ceremony that appeals to us and only us. Thing is, we're from the midwest and need some ideas of great places to wed in Denver. No traditional wedding spots needed. We like hiking and legal marijuana smoking. Difficulty level: we want to do outdoorsy things in winter or early spring. We also enjoy arts and culture events or sites. We need your amazing ideas please. [more inside]
My husband and I have been living in a 1 bed apartment for 2 years, and for the sake of our marriage, we need to move somewhere bigger. We're looking to rent for the next year or two at least. I have a good credit record but my husband doesn't (his credit score is around 600, he has around $5000 in medical debt in collections dating back to a period 4-5 years ago when he was uninsured). What are our options? [more inside]
He's proposed marriage before, and did again in a very serious way and context last night. I've always said no, but this time I told him I'll think about it. I can't tell if this resistance I'm feeling is real objection or a function of my pride. There's certainly a case for us getting married, but there's also a case against marriage being right for me. [more inside]
The short version of the story is that I am married but kissed a colleague at a work Christmas party after several drinks and a lot of flirty dancing. The long version of the story is that this seems to be the culmination of a couple of years of emotional uncertainty and I think I might be having some kind of mid-life / life stage crisis and I'm struggling to figure out how I can get through it. [more inside]
We may be losing one of our children and we're having a hard time coping. My wife and I cope in very different ways. And it seems to be pushing us apart even though we love each other very much still. I don't know what to do. I've never lost a child. I've never been divorced. Our home;life is suffering. It might be better if we didn't have to worry about paying hospital costs, but I think our coping behviors are grating on each other. And we know this. But we can't stop it. We really love each other and we go to counselors, but for the most part they're for when you're not getting along with the other person. This. This is something else. Are there grief counselors for couples who also are marriage counselors?
I read (somewhere?) a quote by someone (an author? poet?) that when a relationship (marriage?) ends, a little language shared by the two is lost. I've googled all sorts of combinations of these words and cannot find it. Did I hallucinate this? Thanks!
We're in this cycle, where the worse he feels, the worse he acts toward me, the worse I feel, the more I need kindness, the less he is able to provide it, the angrier I get, the worse he feels, repeat ad nauseum. [more inside]
My partner and I are divorcing after eight years, with the initial paperwork to be filed before the end of the year. However, we are still sharing a house (but not bedrooms). I am looking for a place to live, but realistically it will be mid-January, at the earliest, before I can move. We both have acknowledged this and have both expressed okay-ness with sharing the house in the interim. My question is about dating and ethics (I guess?). [more inside]
It's been a long year for Draccy. I've separated, started divorce proceedings, had a huge mental health scare and am currently battling loneliness, shame and desolation. My hand aches where my wedding band used to be. I used to fidget with it. I miss it. So here's the scoop. [more inside]
I make inconsistent demands of my wife regarding details about cleaning and whatnot. It drives her nuts but she mostly puts up with it until she is tired of dealing with it, and we argue. It breaks my heart that I'm putting her through this but I also feel angry that she doesn't try to negotiate with me somehow. Not sure if what I'm asking for is fair or not but I'd like to resolve this so we can both feel satisfied and happy. [more inside]
Will it be best for my kids in the long run? Will the inevitable guilt and loneliness be better than staying with a seemingly unchangeable loveless unhappy marriage? [more inside]
I got married recently. Now we're working through the Life Event Change processes of our respective companies. Here's the puzzler: If I'm reading this right, at my company, Medical is $90/month for myself, $300 for myself+spouse. At my wife's company, it's almost the same. This implies that it would be cheaper for both of us to be insured separately than together. What am I missing here?
What are some truisms that you know of or have learnt through your personal experience when it comes to deciding whom to marry? What are some good rules of thumb to finding the right partner the first time around? [more inside]
I'm a 40-ish married man. How do I stop being infatuated with a younger woman that I know very well? [more inside]
My fiancee is wonderful, everyone is excited for us, and I think I'm miserable. Please help me figure out what is going on with me, and/or tell me I need to get professional help. [more inside]
For those who have been cheated on: how did you deal with the heartbreak? For those who have cheated: how did you deal with the guilt? Would like to hear from those who were in very long-term relationships (10+ years) and whose relationships did not survive. [more inside]