Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Love

Can you rekindle feelings for an ex by acting like you love them?

whitelily — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 14:36:08 -0800

Can you rekindle feelings for an ex by acting like you love them? When you first start dating someone, that initial "high" makes you want to spend a lot of time with them, gives you warm fuzzies when you're with them, etc - so it's easy for love to grow. Let's say you eventually break up with that person and mentally get over them so you no longer have the warm fuzzies feeling or the craving to spend a lot of time with them. Down the line, despite those things you have reasons to get back together with the person. So you start spending a lot of time with them and confiding everything in them. Can those warm fuzzy feelings come back? Has this ever happened to anyone?

In other words, in terms of relationships, is it possible to fake it till you make it? Act like you're in love with the person again until your love for them really does return? Practice the action of love in order to develop the feeling of love?

Thanks in advance.

Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend?

kleenkat — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:58:48 -0800

How do I figure this out? Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend? I've been with my current girlfriend (I'm also a woman) for a little over a year and a half. I've always had issues with dating or relationships since after my first "long" relationship, 11 mo, when i was 16/17ish. I've had two significant exes in my life whom I felt were the ones who "got away" but I know certain things happen for reasons and blah blah blah all that stuff.

I'm now with someone who is very smart, shares my sense of humor, and who initially I was attracted to. We share a lot of common ideas on life and responsibility stuff (bills, finance, etc.) which has been rare in a lot of my past relationships.

But now, three months after buying and moving into a house together, I sometimes leave work at 5pm and do not want to go home. I feel we bring out the negativity in each other. Please forgive my honesty, but when she talks to me about certain stuff, or just on a car ride longer than 20 minutes, she talks on and on about the same negative thing, and I just say "mhmm" and stare out the window.

I feel like I've lost a connection with her but I'm unsure if there ever really was a connection because I was so eager to be with her because we were good for each other. (Seem to be). I also know my last semester at grad school was very stressful and I felt I was taking on a lot with work full time, school full time, and i would still get home about an hour after her and she'd be sitting at her computer and I was left to cook dinner (more often than not). She did not clean our small apartment either, ever. She said it would change when we moved into our house because she would want to. Well guess who has done 90% of the cleaning of our new used home? Not her.

I have always sought other ways to relax via smoking and some drinking every now and then. I am now 27 and have held a stable life and career since about 24. She always says she feels like I have to self medicate to be around her, or that is the impression she gets. In general, I truly like to just relax and do those things. Other times it's completely true and I don't know what to do about it.

Our sex life is practically nonexistent. She farts a ridiculous amount and I am serious, for the first year she never did once. Now I don't care, don't get me wrong...but every night and morning she just lets them loose and I can't even fathom being intimate with her. It's been over two months since we've had sex. Along with the farting I feel she does not go out of her way AT ALL to do anything to impress me anymore. I know it's not all about me, but I try to do for her; especially lately. I want us to mutually want each other.

I guess I am spilling my guts here because I have no close friends I can really tell this to so please forgive my honesty. I moved here about 2 years ago and never had a chance or just never made many friends other than a few old friends who live about 30 min. away.

Sometimes I think how wonderful, thoughtful and kind she is. Other times I think she is just lazy about chores and has no desire to take care of herself. Sometimes I mentally plot an escape plan since we just bought a house, and I know it would be financially impossible for us to split without some prep work. Other times, I just think I need to get myself more grounded and accept things the way that they are. Nothing is like on movies; love is not like in songs or movies; my girlfriend will never declare her undying love to me or be passionate with me; but I am in a loving, mostly supportive relationship so what is wrong with me, and how do I fix it?

Woof.

corn_bread — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 05:39:20 -0800

Please share your favorite poems/quotations about man's love for dog(s).

I have no one. He was my life.

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:42:30 -0800

My partner of 8 years is thinking of leaving me. He gave notice on our apt without telling me. I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't have any family. I haven't kept in touch with my family. I just found out because the management company asked if they could show our apt and I said we weren't moving. Then they faxed me a notice to vacate in my partner's handwriting. I called and he admitted that he'd already secured an apartment.

I think I'm dying. I don't know what to do. I don't have any family. My friends are sweet, but he's been my best friend. I don't want him to leave me. He says he's 80% sure he wants me to stay with him, but there's a part of him that's unsure he wants to be with me because he thinks we might want different things. He was speaking in this disembodied tone over the phone, completely removed. In person, yesterday, he told me I was his life. We've been having so much fun.

We jut had a wonderful weekend. We've had a number of fun and great weeks. I don't know what to do. I want to run home to my family, but I've neglected them so much because my partner was my family and my mother is crazy. I live so far away from home. I only have $10,000 in the bank and I live in the DC area. I only make $36K, so I don't even think I qualify to rent any apts.

I'm shocked, confused, at work, and I feel extremely sick now. Part of me wants to beg him to please take me with him. Part of me rationally knows he should do what he wants and I should gracefully step out of his way. I love him. Deeply. I would do anything he wanted.

He's in his late 30s and I'm in my early 30s. God, I'm so confused. My sense of well-being is fading fast. What do I do? Can someone please give me a list of steps of what I need to do? I think I'm going to be a zombie for a few months at least.

How can I resist the temptation to despair?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:45:30 -0800

How can I resist the temptation to despair as I get older and still find myself unable to break consistent patterns of frustration in my work and personal life? (long) I am 39 years old and have just had the first successful year of my life in terms of career. After struggling for nearly two decades in boring, low-level jobs that didn't pay enough to enable me to move out of the family home, I entered a new field and did a hell of a lot of work with a hell of a lot of objective and measurable output to show for it. I had excellent feedback all year, mostly from my boss, but also from others.

Better still, I had enough pay and financial benefits to support myself into the future and, a couple of weeks ago, I finally paid off the debts I ran up over the two preceding years when I spent more time looking for work than I did actually working (and during which the cost of going to work was only slightly less than I earned).

I was looking forward to building on my successful year career-wise, and storing up some savings. I thought that finally I would be able to afford to go out once a week and maybe, with any luck, eventually meet someone special.

The only problem (as far as I knew) was that the job was very draining and exhausting, largely because of my boss's management style. She does things at the last minute and characteristically leaves us working towards externally imposed hard deadlines (i.e. the team won't get paid if they're not met) with insufficient time to meet them. She is always unresponsive to appeals for better time management and on one occasion I worked myself into exhaustion, such that I passed out and hit my head.

Over the last couple of months I became weepy and had to stay home sick a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying. I also couldn't force myself to work as fast as usual and had to work longer hours to compensate, meaning I got less and less sleep. I attributed this to the feelings stirred up by a colleague who had just moved on to a new job, but not before toying with my emotions quite severely while simultaneously making it clear that he was unavailable. This led to my thinking about what I still longed for in life that I couldn't have.

Not only this, but it was especially painful because I'd had no inkling that he was attracted to me and mutual attraction is something that has never happened before in my entire life. Yes, you read that right - not ever. I'm attracted to very very few people, and that, combined with geographical isolation (for economic reasons) and my ASD has basically meant a lifetime of utter singleness. There are men I could have dated, but they always seemed to me to have something glaringly undesirable about them. I often thought that perhaps I should have forced myself to go out with them even though I wasn't interested in them, but my instincts invariably turned out to be right. So I guess I'm glad I trusted my instincts but still... no relationships for me. (And I'm sure plenty of people will suggest that the unavailability is the attraction, but I have considered that and I'm pretty sure it's not true.)

Anyway, because I wasn't getting any sleep or any exercise and I never knew when I might be called upon to work myself into exhaustion again, my blood pressure went up. I was given 3 months to get it down again or be taken off some medications I rely on to function every day. So I had to tell my boss I needed to exercise every day and get 7 hours' sleep a night.

Unfortunately the moment I had to tell her was immediately after she yelled at me for booking a flight that landed the night before a conference, instead of travelling for a night and a day to get there an hour before the conference, with of course a full day's work on either side. She *said* she was okay with what I needed to do... what else would she say?

Meanwhile I had to accept that my weepiness wasn't going away and I entered treatment for depression and began to improve.

Although I knew my contract could come to an end at any time, my boss always downplayed this possibility and the feedback I got from others was always that she viewed me as someone who would be around for a long time. Besides, I had just interviewed two new recruits. So it came as a big surprise when I went in for my regular weekly meeting, and after talking over "you need to debug this, enhance that, and update the other," I then got, "and by the way I have to give you notice that your contract won't be renewed."

Still I was assured that it was nothing personal, and coworkers reassured me that I was bound to get a glowing reference and that I'd have known it if anything were wrong with the quality of my work.

A couple of days later it was appraisal time. I was shocked by how negative her review was. On the one hand I had glowing emails of appreciation that I got for completing certain projects, and on the other hand, I had low scores and negative remarks for those exact same projects in the appraisal. I got disparagement for doing things that I had on record that she explicitly ordered me to do. I checked my output against the expected norms for someone at my level, over against her criticism that I should have done more. I also contacted ex-coworkers for a reality check. Having gathered the evidence I put my case that her appraisal was inconsistent with both her feedback and my actual achievements, and that if my performance had indeed been as bad as she had presented it, I should reasonably have expected to hear about it a lot sooner. I reviewed my comments for diplomacy with a third party, and hoped for the best.

Her response was a 2-hour blast of negativity with no constructive content at all (honestly - none), accompanied by demands that I delete my comments, accept hers, and sign the document. (And that I was being mean to her.) Finally she agreed that our differing opinions would be recorded.

I felt drained, but glad I had stuck to my guns. So I go in the next morning for my regular weekly meeting, have a brief task review, and then end up trapped in her office for the better part of an hour while she demands that I retract my comments and sign hers and tells me, again, all the reasons why I deserve a bad review. And that I'm being mean to her. And lying. And that I'm just not able to take constructive criticism. And that I should stop wasting time and sign it right now. She wouldn't let me leave.

I still refused to sign it, and I eventually hit on the right combination of words to get me out of her office. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning, then I collected my things and ran home.

When I dared to look in my inbox the next day I found a conciliatory message saying she was sorry the appraisal had been upsetting "for us both". I reviewed her comments and found them acceptable, and agreed to sign off.

I worked from home that day but, when I got in the next morning, the anxiety got too much and I had to go home. I tried to keep working but I got so weepy I had to call the doctor, who signed me off sick until Monday.

So... that was a long story. I'll go in on Monday and do everything possible to keep my cool. I've taken advice and am fully aware of what my rights are. I'll be trying to get home early enough to apply for at least one job per day, as horrified as I am to have to go through all that again. I have ex-coworkers who fully support me and will provide references. Two medical professionals will back me up if necessary.

That's how things are. But this is how it feels:

When my 80-year-old mother dies, that will mean the loss of my one reliable source of companionship and support. She wants to put the Christmas tree up and I can't stand to because it means one more year has gone by and for all my efforts, I have still failed at life in the most basic ways:

- although I have many good friends, I'm so non-fun that I can't get anyone to hang out with me;
- although I have demonstrable talent, all it ever seems to do for me is get me fired;
- I am going to get into debt again and am unable to support myself at the age of nearly 40;
- I will almost certainly never have children;
- although I seem to be regarded as desirable by quite a few people (including the Handsomest Boy In The Village), this doesn't result in my being any less single;
- although the Handsomest Boy In The Village evidently has feelings of some kind for me, he can't or won't act on them.

I am haunted by temptation to reach the following conclusions:
- that I can't stand to live in a world where I will never succeed for failing;
- that I can't stand to live in a world where all love is theoretical;
- that I just can't stand it.

What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts?

Just not feeling it and what I feel isn't good either and I want to know why

VC Drake — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:28:31 -0800

You're dating someone. Something just doesn't feel right in your gut. You feel uneasy. What could be all the possible reasons for that feeling? You keep going over it and over it in your mind. What is missing? What is wrong? They treat me good, so why do I feel unsure, scared or concerned? It's that feeling that no matter how much you want to trust and feel free to love, you're not feeling it. You can't find any apparent reasons that you shouldn't be feeling totally confident and sure about the relationship, but you still don't. Even over several months, the feeling never goes away. You just can't seem to trust the person you're dating and you keep having that nagging feeling in your gut. You've had solid, trusting relationships in the past, so you know it's not you. What could it be?

Help me get over the honeymoon phase.

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:24:28 -0800

I'm extremely infatuated with my boyfriend of 1 year, to the point where it's getting a little annoying. Advice? I began seeing my current boyfriend in August of 2008, and we became exclusive a couple of months later. I was quite smitten with him from the beginning, and I was expecting that "honeymoon phase" to last two or three months, like it has in all of my other relationships... and it still hasn't subsided. We even lived together over the summer, which I figured might dull my enthusiasm a bit. But it didn't at all. If anything, I have a bigger crush on him now than I did when we first started dating.

I'm normally very even-keeled, so this feeling has puzzled me from the very beginning, and now it's starting to feel a bit... cumbersome. I don't act crazy or clingy -- in fact, I'm really not very demonstrative about my affections at all -- but I feel like I think about him way more than I should. I'll catch myself daydreaming about jumping his bones during class, or in a free moment I'll randomly start feeling giddy about how lucky I am and how great my relationship is. Every time he kisses me (which is nearly every day), I get that butterflies-in-my-stomach, squeeee-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening feeling. It's EXHAUSTING.

I tend to think that, when people obsess over things, it's often because they're subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about something more difficult - i.e. some aspect of their lives that's lacking, or something that's worrying them (this seems to be a widely-held view here on AskMeFi). I don't really think that's the case here though. I'm pretty content with everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm about to graduate from college, my career path seems pretty solid and I'm excited about it. I have a close-knit group of friends, no shortage of hobbies, and I get along great with my family. So it's not that my "crush" is providing a distraction from something unpleasant. Nor is it interfering with my productivity. It's just emotionally taxing, and I feel like I should calm the hell down already.

(Factors that probably have some bearing: I'm 23, boyfriend is 28. I've been in two other long-term relationships, and had a handful of casual flings, but this is the first time either of us has been "in love".)

Is my boyfriend an alcoholic?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:00:24 -0800

I think I may have to leave the man I have made many sacrifices for, because he is an alcoholic. But I don't have the guts to do that, because it would kill all the faith I have in humanity, and because I love him, and care for him, so very much. He refuses to get help because he doesn't think he needs it. Am I being stupid if I decide to stay in this relationship? I apologize if I am long-winded, but I think I have come to the realization that I have to leave the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and who I love deeply.

We just got back from a party at a bar where he ordered ten large bottles of beer. These people were my friends, and he was loud, obnoxious, and when they said that he had ordered ten bottles and needed to pay for them because no one else was really drinking, he was insulting to them. When I tried to talk to him outside, he threatened to smash my head into the wall - he wouldn't ever do that, but the fact is the he disrespected me all night, and didn't care what I thought of his behavior. He drinks non-stop every time we go out... but he's only obnoxious with my friends, not his - I am pretty sure he feels insecure... he's the kind of guy that prefers dive bars over quiet(er) dinner parties that my friends like to have. However, when we're home, he doesn't drink that much - maybe one beer or a glass of wine and that's it. I know him very well, and sometimes it feels like he is really insecure about himself, and wants to impress me, and that's what makes him drink. He is by nature contrary, and often says that I drive him to, when we're out and I tell him he should stop.

He has two DUIs. His conviction obligates him to go to AA meetings, he has to do jail time (96 hours), and he has to do community service. Our relationship started out in the worst way - long-distance and complicated - and he blames the downfall of his life on us... he got laid off, failed the MCATs. I was going through a rough time in my life (a divorce) when we first start dating after being friends for years, and he was there for me long-distance, but in that period his life suffered and he now resents me more than a little for it.

All this said, I love this man with all my heart. I know how intelligent he is, how capable of achievements (we both met in grad school while working towards our doctorates) he is, and I know above all that despite the crusty exterior, he would give the shirt off his back for a friend if he was asked to. I also knows he loves me... I won't go into it, but his actions when he's not drunk are mostly kind and caring. He's a fiercely independent person, and is extremely selfish at times... but he's a decent, good human being who would never intentionally hurt someone.

I am beginning to lose respect for myself, both because I want to stay with him, and because I can't bring myself to leave. He might ruin my life, but I keep telling myself things will get better. We both made sacrifices for the sake of this relationship, and while things haven't worked out for us professionally, I'm willing to overlook things and work for it... he doesn't have as much faith as I do. I know if I told him that I made the biggest mistake of my life with him, he would agree (he thinks his life has hit rock-bottom) and tell me I should find someone that can make me happy. Has anyone else had a similar experience? What do you do when you have burned bridges, made personal sacrifices, and go out of your way for someone only to be constantly reminded that they are too self-involved/ beat-down with their own issues to realize your devotion to them? Please help. My insides hurt, and the pain is taking my breath away.

Thank you for your input.

Is it stupid to break up friendships over boys?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 09:38:06 -0800

Broken heart / long story filter. My best friend and my love interest got together, though they both knew of my feelings. My friend wants my forgiveness, but I'm still pissed. She was my confidante and I trusted her. Now I don't think I can trust her again, and I have fantasies about her getting her heart broken. How can I move on from this? Should I let them back in my life? Okay, I’ve tried to keep this as brief as possible. We were living in a communal situation (a la “The Real World), I had recently gotten physical with this boy and told him how I felt (he demurred, saying that while he loved me, he wasn’t ready to have romantic feelings after a bad break-up). My friend had been my confidante, and we had known each other for years (she was the one that urged me to tell him how I felt). I knew that I didn’t trust this boy with my romantic feelings (since we had been close friends for a while I saw how he was a big flirt and kind of led people along, but still, nothing like first-hand experience).
I realize that these things happen to people. I hope that they break each other’s heart, honestly. But I guess my question is what I should do about my best friend. My gut reaction is to exorcise her from my life, but I realize that people mistakes and especially in romance. Still, I guess what really bothers me about the situation is that she would hang out with us, I would notice the boy and her flirting, and I felt silly for thinking something was happening, since I had just told the boy how I felt. Finally, when I confronted her, she told me the truth – that they had confessed their feelings. She promised me that nothing would happen, that our friendship was more important than the boy. Not more than twelve hours later, she revealed they had kissed. She said that she couldn’t stay away from him, and they proceeded to start hanging out constantly, in the place where I lived, without much respect for me. Meanwhile she was still trying to talk to me and was crying and upset that I was pissed. I really really tried to be magnanamious, but I would see them together (all the time, since this was a communal situation) and I would get really mad. So eventually we went our separate ways. Since then, they continue to date, and I continue to be confused.
She’s sent me a few e-mails, but they kinda made me more angry. She said that she continued to hang out with him because she was “drawn to happiness and joy in her life, and couldn’t take sorrow and frustration”. And that she wished I was part of her family, etc.
Should I give the girl another chance in my life? Or is it okay to just leave her out of my life for a while? How do I get rid of the terrible feelings I have about them? I am happy to hear any philosophical, psychological, or otherwise abstract answers in the realm of people and relationships.

Can I learn to trust him? Is there any way to just kick him to the curb?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:01:55 -0800

It hurts to stay and it is too hard to leave... Disclaimer: I know that spying on a loved one is wrong. I know it makes me a horrible person. Please, don't critique my choice to look into my suspicions.

My boyfriend and I, both early to mid 20s and in some form of college, have been together for the better part of 6 years. He is not my first or my only serious relationship, but my for a while I thought he was defiantly marriage material.

About 3 months ago I was contacted by a mutual friend who said he was breaking up with his girlfriend because she had been cheating on him with my boyfriend. He told me I should check his phone if I didn't believe him. I did so, and found some steamy texts exchanged which my boyfriend admitted to and swore he would never do again. I forgave him.

Two days later I got on his computer. He, for the first time ever, left his account logged in and his email open. The word "horny" in the open email caught my eye. I was about to go away for the weekend and he had told his best friend (female, in a different state) about it and mentioned that they could chat on webcam, but only if she was horny. He told me that he didn't mean to put the word horny. He claimed he was upset and it was a subconsciously added. He said that sometimes chatting with someone you can see can help, plus she's married, so I really had no idea on how to handle it besides believe him.

Now he hides everything from me. Hides conversations, deletes browser history, hides windows, deletes emails/texts/phone calls. Meanwhile he's constantly checking my browser history and listening in to every conversation I have. Mutual friend contacted me again and tipped me off to the fact that there might be other girls. An accident led me to figuring out his facebook password (like I said, don't judge me). On there I found a conversation he was having at work with a girl I've never heard of before. There was a lot of I <3 yous and I miss yous exchanged. I'm not sure how to take that. Our sex life sucks (the only sexual attention I get is butt/boob grabing that's, from the level of don't do that and then doing it anyway that is happening, is probably sexual abuse) and all it seems we do is argue anymore.

All the advice I've gotten up to now says dump him, that he's just finding a new girl before dumping me. And believe me, I've tried dumping him, but I always come back. I really want to think that everything since the first incident has just been a fluke. Also, I have another year an a half on my lease with him. I have no family in the area and no friends who can house me without payment, yet I can't afford two leases. It's a small one bedroom so renting out my half the lease isn't an option. He's also been in financial trouble recently, so nearly all of my money is in a joint bank account for his free spending. Financially it feels like I can't leave him. I would rather fix this relationship anyway. He was a great person before all of this (and most of the time even now), and even through it I feel know that he genuinely cares about me sometimes. It doesn't feel like I can fix it, though. Suggestions?

Have more questions? Is my boyfriend cheating on me with you? Story sound familiar and don't want to talk about it with everyone else? Insider information on how to get out of my lease? I can be contacted at helplessorhomeless@gmail.com

The girl I love bought a house I hate - now what?

xbonesgt — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:06:05 -0800

We're in love! That's great! She bought a house yesterday with zero input from me whatsoever! That's crappy! What does it mean, and what do I do now? This past weekend my girlfriend closed on a house. I really really dislike this house for a number of reasons, which aren't especially relevant here. But what I'm having a very hard time dealing with, and maybe this is selfish of me, is that we've been dating for a while and have both hinted that this may be it for both of us yet I was not asked for input or opinions at all during the whole process. The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted". I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.

We had a big ol' mutual cryfest immediately after we finished moving her in last night, during which she said that she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off. This was the first I'd heard of it; I'm usually pretty slow when it comes to stuff like this but I really don't think it was a case of missed signals this time. The most I'd gotten out of her before yesterday was an occasional "you're great" or "you make me really happy" while she's giving me a hug and a kiss. I've told her in the past that I'm in love with her. I didn't quite get the response I was looking for ("mm good I'm glad"), which is why I'd been hesitant to volunteer any thoughts or opinions during her homebuying process. If it's not definite that I'm going to be around, then I'm not going to try to influence her in something important like this. But now that I know how she feels about me, I'm wondering why she couldn't've told me sooner; I don't know if it's a case of relationship inexperience or if she just likes the idea of being with somebody and isn't quite ready to end things yet. As far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this, if not especially open or forthcoming. When we were talking after our last minor tiff (which occurred before she found this house), one of the things I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for. Apparently she can't or won't do that.

A couple of other facts which may or may not be relevant: I'm 28, she's 24. We met about a year ago and have been dating for eight months. Neither of us have been married before, and she's only had one or two "real" relationships in the past. I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years. We both agree that we don't want to go too much longer without living together. We get along fine with each other in every way apart from this one (big?) problem I'm having.

I guess my question is, is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me? Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with? Does she not want or need me to be around and is trying to show that by taking this thing on by herself, or is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love? Should I forget about it and just go live in a cave in Mongolia?

Hope me, MetaFilter!

How to mend a broken heart

mesha steele — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:11:51 -0800

HeartbreakFilter: Help me come to terms with the end of my relationship and quit being in denial. I’m a 23 year old second year law student, and he’s a 26 year old grad student. We’d been together for a year and a half (the longest relationship for either of us by far) when he dumped me last Sunday. I’m completely devastated after my Thanksgiving was ruined (I was supposed to have spent the day at his mom’s house like last year) and with finals starting next week, I’m a wreck. Help me adjust to my new situation.

He was my first real love, and I was not expecting the relationship to end, especially not so suddenly. We seemed so compatible, with similar tastes in movies and tv and we got along great even when just hanging out together. We met on OkCupid but had real life friends in common. It was just a fabulous connection both physically and mentally when we started dating right before I started law school and he went back to school for his PhD.

Some problems starting cropping up in my second semester of 1L year; I’ve always been fairly high strung with some issues dealing with anxiety. I would get really upset over little things, sometimes related to him but often just situational stressors from school. I mean, he was my best friend and I felt safe revealing my insecurities and fears to him. Conflict is rough on him, but he was always super sweet and calmed me down when I got upset and cried over something small.

The anxiety issues kept happening, where I’d pick a stupid fight over something ridiculous maybe once a month or so. To me, I’d get mad really quickly but it would also blow over quickly, and I didn’t hold grudges. Apparently, he struggled more with the conflicts and thought I didn’t seem happy with him. I was, and I tried to assure him of that. We had a fight in mid October about this, where we agreed to try taking a break, since he wanted more space (we usually saw each other everyday, and spent most nights together). After we agreed to the break, the next day he called me and apologized and asked me to come over. Everything was fine for a month until last Saturday.

The same sort of stupid fight happened Saturday, but instead of blowing over, on Sunday I went over to his apartment to see him and apologize, and he dumped me. He said that the relationship didn’t feel quite right and that if it were meant to be it wouldn’t be so hard. He said he needed space and that he kind of felt like he was losing his identity. But at the same time he kept telling me he loves me and hugging me. We were both crying, and I’m ashamed to say I begged him to give it another chance, but he refused.

Now, a week later, I’m still devastated. I’ve tried to contact him a few times, through calls and texts, but he won’t answer his phone. I know that I caused these problems by leaving my anxiety untreated for so long. I started back on Lexapro which helped me through a tough situation a couple of years ago; with the anxiety medicine, even after only a week, I’m not so concerned about the little stressors that used to bug me. I just want to give the relationship another try when I’m not so hung up about the little things. It was always just little things we fought about, nothing major.

I’m still majorly in denial about the breakup, too. I dream about him every night, and getting back together. It just doesn’t seem real to me, and so many things in my apartment and just life in general remind me of him.

After this long saga, my questions are mainly, how can I get over this sense of denial? I really want to get back together, but objectively it seems pretty unrealistic. How can I convince myself that he’s no longer my boyfriend? How can I stop myself from dreaming about him and reconciliation (I wake up so excited in the morning at first because I think the dream was real)?

Alternately, does anyone have any advice for how to approach him about giving things another chance? I really think the anxiety medication helps me, and I’d like the chance to show him that I’m not going to freak out little things anymore. How can I show him that I’ve changed? I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

How to Initiate "Operation: Disambiguate"

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:11:34 -0800

So, this dude has been sending me extremely mixed and just plain weird signals for awhile. I've decided to get to the bottom of this. Problem: I'm hella awkward. Help me start this conversation, MeFi! For the past two and a half months or so, I’ve had an odd relationship with this one special dude. For various reasons, we see each other a lot (I’m a queer guy in college, for context), and our interactions with each other have been oscillating between blasé casual friendship and hyper-engagement with me for multiple hours. At times, I could swear he was flirting with me, which I had taken as a fairly probable signal for romantic-sexual interest, as I rarely think anyone is flirting with me, even if they in fact are. However, the disconcerting disconnect between the two sets of moods—combined with my own passive nature—led me to be really confused as to whether I should try to pursue anything further. (Obviously, I’m very interested, or else I wouldn’t be making this post!) One night when we’re up late working, though, he mentions that he “may as well” talk to a boy who he later identifies as his boyfriend, who is abroad far, far away. Weird, I think, for him not to mention a boyfriend when we see each other regularly, but my thought is that I must surely have been reading things incorrectly, as, duh, he’s taken and probably not actually interested in me. “Well, that sucks!” I think, and go back to my collegiate life.

The weirdness (or, at least, my perceived weirdness) doesn’t cease, though. At one party, he makes a big deal out of talking about his boyfriend in the past tense for about five minutes, then half-heartedly corrects himself into the present. At another recent party he invited me to, he did this strange thing where he would come up to me, start talking for a bit, retreat to the corner (talking to nobody), and then coming back up and talking to me again before restarting the cycle. This was apparently so noticeable that my friends there all noticed it as well, coming up to me to offer their own statements of confusion while I stood there, boggled with a drink in my hand. More importantly, at a party I invited him to in turn he takes me aside at the end, and pulls out some small cultural artifacts from his trip abroad this last semester, and hands them to me as a gift. (I had referenced them in a really, really passing verbal communication that I can’t even recall the context of now.) “These are my last [artifacts from my abroad trip.] I wanted you to have them,” he says before his friends drag him home. Today, he barely acknowledges my presence. lolwhut?

WTF WTF WTF. I’m stumped—my friends are stumped—it’s very possible that God himself is stumped. I’m still feeling like I’m getting mixed—and just kinda strange—signals. Most importantly, all this nonsense I've been putting myself through with regards to trying to analyze each individual unit of information, change of mood, gesture, et cetera has been driving me nuts, and I’ve decided it’s time to finally break out of my typical passivity and have a conversation with him directly addressing some of the questions I have. I wish I had just come out in one of these previous situations and just recognized the elephant in the room, but the best I can do at this stage is address it as soon as possible, probably as soon as we get back from the Thanksgiving holiday. It’ll suck if the answer isn’t what I want, but at least I’ll have an answer that I can process and move the hell on from, rather than keeping my psyche in this constant, vigilant holding pattern. I’m pessimistic, but want a consolidated reality rather than a gazillion possible realities.

The Question, Restated: However, this is so out of my comfort realm that I have near-literally no clue of how to go about this. How do you begin this sort of conversation? An e-mail message… what do I say, how do I preface it? All I can think of is, "Hi, we need to talk," and that just sounds awful and confrontational.

And, say, I get him down talking (in-person's the only way to go for the actual discussion, I realize)… what are some acceptable ways to go about this? Especially if this somehow all ends up being from my end and not from his, I don’t want to make things totally awkward and awful for him. In my mind, I’m thinking something like: “Hi, [dude,] so for awhile now I feel as though I've been receiving some messages that you may be attracted to me, but at other times I have not. I don't mean to accuse you of doing one or the other, but I just wanted to know how you actually feel, so I can figure out what's going on.” Does this sound OK? Could I say anything better? Is that laying it on too heavy, or sounding too accusatory? My main interest, after all, is just figuring things out in a way that can be best for everyone's emotions involved—I don't want to deal in any nonsense about him "leading me on" if that's the case, I just want to disambiguate the situation and move on from there. Does anyone have any experiences with this sort of thing that they could share?

It's a big step for me, personally, to even think about having this kind of awkward conversation with someone, and I'd really appreciate the advice on how to go about doing it, because I'm determined to do it. Thanks so much, MeFi!

give me a sign! women and their ways to show they like you

sniperantics — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:29:15 -0800

i'm absolutely smitten by this girl. i find myself constantly thinking about her. but what are the signs of that she may an interest back? i've not been this attracted to someone since my last relationship. it's been almost a year since that break-up ... and lots has past. then along came this girl. we're members of the same church group but i actually met her at a church conference this past september. it was very civil, but it was an instance during a group dinner that drew me to her. we were discussing eyelashes (haha) and she added at the time that she thought hers were too short ... at that point i said, "hmmm, let me see ..." and she drew quite close to me while i 'examined' her eyes. what an ethereal experience! something so non-chalant, so inexpressive and simple just took my breathe away ... however I am not so certain she received the same type of experience.

since then it has been a series of playful conversations via mostly email and text, with select few phone convos ... i think she's making me jump hoops for her time and attention. and thru the method and nuances of my messages and the way I 'randomly' contact her, it must be obvious to her that I am attracted to her ... or is she? i need some thing concrete. I'm trying to be persistent but at the same not come out so needy. women, i need your insights. i really like this one.

"What are you doing?" "I'm ending our friendship." NOOOOO!

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:34:59 -0800

Help! Can I salvage this friendship even after experiencing the searing pain of rejection? (CAUTION: lengthy beanplating)

Okay. About six months ago, I posted a smart, sassy personal ad under "strictly platonic" on the local Craigslist (not in the US) seeking someone to talk to, hang out with, with the intention of expanding my social circles and being introduced to someone else's social circle. It was w4m since most of my friends (maybe 90%) are girls and I don't have enough guy friends. Having never used CL before, I was surprised by the caliber of responses, mostly coming from interesting, articulate people, and ended up hanging out with someone who really did turn into a friend, and corresponded with a couple more who were local, but were currently assigned elsewhere for work.

Enter: The Man I Speak Of. Despite being an American in America and being over a decade older than me and never having made a friend over the Internet before, he replied to my ad. He had been to my city some years ago, and he worked in the airline industry and so could pretty much fly anywhere. Now, of course, being a MeFite and having been a nethead for 14 years, I am no stranger to online interactions with people from around the world, and upon the requisite Googlestalking, he seemed to be everything he said he was, so I thought, what the hey, why not? He wasn't the best speller, but he still seemed articulate, had a questioning mind, liked to think on his feet, an extrovert, was also interested in books and movies and music, and best of all, he was extremely funny and there was a certain je ne sais quoi in the way he wrote that just made his personality jump off the page. (I'm sure you can see where this is going.) Our highly enthusiastic e-mails escalated in frequency to daily, and eventually we also started chatting daily (with the occasional voice chat). At one point we were chatting twice a day for hours, despite the time differences: when I woke up and he was getting ready for bed, and when he woke up and I was getting ready for bed. We would even chat when he was traveling. If we couldn't chat, he would e-mail or leave an offline message, some little nugget for me to find. (Data point: he was on extended leave from work, and I was between jobs.) I can't even remember what we talked about, mostly getting-to-know-you stuff and common interests I suppose. He would jokingly censor himself when I complained that he ranted too much. We had a strange relationship. It was still strictly platonic on the surface, even somewhat paternal, but clearly we were getting very attached to each other. Eventually, we decided that this wasn't very healthy, and decided to cut back to chatting only once a day. The next time he traveled, he didn't bring his laptop. He started attending adult classes and working on a writing project, so he would have some accomplishments to show for when he comes back from his leave. Good, right?

Three months into it, I'm not sure how, our voice chat turned somewhat flirtatious when he complimented my voice and my laugh. I was flattered, and of course I really liked him, but I wasn't sure if I could put any stock into it, since we hadn't met. He had sent me his picture, but while he wasn't unattractive, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to it, or to him physically, so I kept myself in check. Then, maybe a week later, he started acting strange and distant. I didn't catch him online for days, and he didn't leave any notes. It seemed like he was avoiding me. So then I ask what's up, and he goes "What am I going to do with you?" Then he admited that he had a drinking problem, that he couldn't lie to me, that he had been thinking hard about it because he wanted to be more than friends, that he knew he could be very charming, but that he didn't want me to make any emotional investment in him without knowing this very huge thing and he was worried I would write him off.

Well, dear MeFites, I didn't write him off but I also didn't know how to handle the bomb he dropped. (I mean, up until this worldly older man, I had mostly been involved with geeky types, engineer types, and sensitive indie musician types.) I really, really, really liked him, but I told him that it was something I could handle if we were friends, but that it would definitely be a problem if we were to be more than friends. So, we stayed friends, and of his own volition, he started seeing a doctor and going to AA meetings. I tried to be very, very supportive and help him stay positive. He had previously kicked his smoking habit, I knew he could do it. The tenor of our conversations changed: deeper, more serious. We both expressed a desire to lighten up, but for some reason it would constantly tip towards the heavy end.

In spite of myself, I started to develop feelings for him. Rationally, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't help feeling tender and affectionate after he showed such vulnerability. I started becoming uncomfortable with the nature of his friendship with an attractive married colleague he had a crush on, and even more uncomfortable that he vaguely implied having had "friends with benefits" and outright upset at the possibility of him jumping on an opportunity if it arose. Yet I didn't necessarily want to be "with" him and it felt unfair, I didn't own him. But I liked him a lot and felt very attached to him. He had asked me out to see a certain movie and he planned on coming to my city for a week, but that no longer seemed to be on the horizon (he said it would be December at the soonest) given all the things he wanted to do (lose weight, attend more classes, do the 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, complete the writing project), and so we chatted less and less.

And then the disaster happened. I won't give any details because I don't want to turn this into a pity party, but a major natural disaster ravaged the region, and we were pretty badly hit. I sought him out for comfort, and he in turn was supportive towards me. He seemed to really want to help, but realistically there was nothing I could ask him to do.

I lost my Internet, and we no longer chatted regularly. Then I learned to tether my mobile phone and logged on more, but he would no longer go online at the "regular" times, unless we set up a time to chat. But even when we set up a time to chat, and I would be late for a few minutes because I had trouble connecting or grabbed a bite before logging on, he would not wait for me like he used to, now that I didn't have a constant connection. One time, just to prove my hunch, I was online right on the dot and stayed invisible. He was late, stayed online for 3 minutes, and left without leaving an offline message or e-mail. I felt him growing cold. Maybe he lost interest. Maybe there was someone else. He did say there was a woman he liked who he wanted to be his sponsor, but according to AA rules it had to be another man. I asked him to tell me if something was up. He said the only thing that had changed was his schedule, that he couldn't keep up the same hours he used to, and that it would be the same if he went back to work.

A month after the disaster, I was grasping at straws, I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote him a longish e-mail explaining why I was acting strange, that I felt that I was losing him, that I felt confused and may have feelings for him, that I missed him, and lighter times. I said that I had to lay low for a while, and maybe later on I would be back to my rational self and be happy for him and the new developments in his life. I told him he didn't have to reply. Well, he did reply and say that he could go online at 9:00am his time the next day. So I went online and waited. And waited. And waited. An hour later, he was still not online, so I fired off a line about how it was getting ridiculous. He e-mailed back and apologized for forgetting, noted that I seemed mad, and said that since I kept late hours, he thought he might still catch me. I said that it was just that after I had sent that embarrassing e-mail, going online to chat with him felt like having to face the firing squad, and that when he didn't show up, I felt like an idiot, but that I meant it that he didn't have to reply. (I partly wished he wouldn't, as I wanted it to be a swan song of sorts.) He sent a couple of e-mails a few days apart, pretending to work on a response, and when the actual "response" came (a one-word text file) I wondered if he was just dicking me around or if it was part of a running gag between us (him building up something which ends up being nothing, applied to jokes, anecdotes, faux documents). However, I was too sore about previous events that I didn't dignify it with a response until two weeks later, just one line. He asked me how a trip I took was. I replied with just information about the trip and nothing more. Since then, silence.

It hurts so much.

I know, I know, I know, it was a stupid thing to do and this only means he doesn't feel the same, and he has offered no reassurance. I can't seem to get it into my head that even though he once indicated he wanted to be more than friends, he no longer feels the same way.

I can't stop thinking about him. Why am I so attracted to his words? It feels like an addiction, and I'm experiencing withdrawal. But I know that even I got what I wanted, it would still be unhealthy, that continuing to chat with him would be an incredibly bad idea for both of us. I know I need to stay away. Yet I do still want to be friends with this man. I still value his insights and opinions, and I like him a lot as a person regardless of all that has happened.

How do I deal with my feelings for him?
How do I make it hurt less?
Most importantly, how can I save our friendship?

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.

Can I live without laughter?

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:38:29 -0800

Have been dating this guy for almost three months, am feeling very serious about him, and he about me. There’s just one thing: he doesn’t laugh. Hardly at all. Almost never. I am trying to figure out if I should move forward with a relationship which is wonderful in pretty much every other way. So this guy: he’s great. Smart, kind, thoughtful, bringing me little presents all the time to let me know he’s thinking about me, texting me sweet little texts, always doing what he says he’ll do, planning interesting dates, we’re into the same things and almost hilariously compatible in so many ways. He’s loyal and good to his friends, and cares about his community. Whenever I have a problem or an issue, he’s totally willing to hear me out, communicate with me about it, and deal with it. We have talked about marriage and kids. I really, really care about him.

I plan to bring this up with him and see what he says, but I’m reluctant for fear of hurting his feelings -- because I am afraid that this is something that is not within his ability to change, and I fear that it may be a dealbreaker for me.

He doesn’t laugh. If I say something I think is funny, he doesn’t laugh. His facial expression doesn’t even change. Not even in that little “I don’t think what you said is funny but I’m acknowledging you made a joke” way. He says he just doesn’t “get” comedy or comedians. Not that I care about comedy, but I do want joking around and laughter and good-natured teasing and tickling and giggly joy to be a part of my life. He does not attempt to be funny or try to make me laugh. He doesn’t do the social smiling or social chuckling thing with other people, either. I notice this particularly, almost painfully, when I do or say something a little embarrassing, and he does not do what I would consider to be the normal thing, which is to laugh it off, or socially chuckle, or smile. He just sort of stands there with no facial expression. And makes no attempt to reassure or comfort, it’s like he doesn’t get that anything just happened.

He will occasionally do little sardonic chuckles to himself about something he thinks is funny, but I have never heard him actually laugh.

Also: does not chit-chat, at all. Very, very seldom makes eye contact with me, but when he does it is sincere and loving. Seldom talks about how he feels about things. I fear that the emotional depth of this relationship can only go so far when I cannot open up with him and bond through laughter or tears or intense emotion. I believe that he feels a lot for me, but I also feel like he does not actually understand how I feel most of the time. It’s very difficult to explain. But if I explain to him that I am feeling sad or frustrated, he does his best to comfort me.

Metafilter: should I make this a dealbreaker? It breaks my heart to think of leaving him -- he’s wonderful in so, so many ways. But I am afraid that I am going to starve for lack of that warm, giggly feeling when you laugh together with somebody you love, or the feeling you get when you are sad and somebody who cares about you holds you and feels bad that you feel sad. I don’t know if I can do without that. If I don’t make it a dealbreaker, how can I work around/through this with him?

anon answers or questions to nosmileyface@gmail.com

I choo-choo-choose you.

phunniemee — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:34:58 -0800

Looking for cutesy little puns of the kids' valentine variety. I would like to make a series of love notes for my guy in the style of those lame valentine's cards we all got as kids. I plan to draw a little picture to go with each note, so short and simple is best.

Obvious ones:
"I choo-choo-choose you" (thanks, Ralph Wiggum!) with a picture of a train.
"Bee mine" with, you know, a bee.
"You're my sweetie" with a candy or something.

I would love to hear some suggestions that are more creative, clever, and have better puns. Any ideas?

Thanks!

Grow up or build a time machine?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:19:36 -0800

How do I make it feel like home? Is it possible to develop a sense of family with your partner eventually, or should it have been there already when you were dating?

I've been with my partner for a long time, and, I confess, I only got into the relationship in the first place because of all the magic and romance I felt at the time. I didn't think it would get serious, but I was very much in love and fantasized about marriage. We got married, it's been awhile. I still love him very much, but for lack of a better term, I find myself feeling homesick. His family is nice, not quite warm and fuzzy, but nice, and kind. WASPy types. They don't live near us, which is fine, and exactly what I thought I wanted when I used to dream of having my own family. We're in our thirties, don't have kids, no house, and we've kept our money and finances totally separate with no desire to combine our assets into one account or pool.

Maybe I'm being stupid, but I don't feel like a family unit with my partner. I don't care about the the accounts, it feels more like a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. I feel like we're in a long-term dating relationship rather than a marriage. I don't think I want kids with him (he's a little high strung and anxious, a lot of the time now as he nears his forties, qualities that I don't think go away when you deal with children), we've had two abortions already (which possibly started this feeling I had that we weren't a real family or he didn't want to be a real family).

My own family is overseas and far away. I miss them and can't see them regularly due to distance and work. The way I felt growing up was so lovely and warm. Here, no matter how much my partner says he loves me, it feels like there's some isolation and underlying tension between us. He says it's not supposed to feel warm and and nurturing and unconditional the way it was when I was growing up because we're not children anymore. I don't know if my expectation that we should feel like a little family instead of people who are cohabitating are off or if this is a sign that this isn't a good fit, or if there are ways I can make it feel like a family.

What is <3? And GET OFF MY LAWN!

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:09:03 -0800

I am dating a 24 year old girl, and I am old enough that there is a bit of a cultural divide. She texted me "bla bla bla... i <3 u 2". Ummm... just how significant is that? She is 24, I am 39. Early in the relationship, but we are pretty in to each other!

I send her a text message last night, "bla bla bla... Wow, I am smitten with you!" Which (in my mind) implies affection but leaves a little room for hedging - could be budding love, sure, but could be just happy-to-be-dating-you. This morning I get one back, "bla bla bla... i <3 u 2".

A bit of a cultural divide here - I am unable to interpret the nuance to this. When you crazy kids write "i <3 u", how should I read that? Early full on confession of love or just happy-to-be-dating-u, 2, or... what? How should I read that, were I 24?

[Why anonymous? Because I don't want to expose myself as a goofball six months down the line when she is stalking her boyfriend!]

I TBD You

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:05:54 -0800

I said "I love you." She didn't say it back. I'm totally okay with this. No worries, no pressure, she'll say it when she feels it. But here's my question: What do I do between now and then? Do I never say it again? Do I say it, but infrequently? Some other alternative?

Short-term relationship. How fun! Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:18:38 -0800

I'm part of a short-term couple. We both know it will probably end in about six months from now, due to a long-distance move. I feel that there's a multitude of things I can experiment with here, due to the short-term nature of the (non?)relationship. But what are those things? Also: I know that each relationship is different, but what are the general rules of such relationships, anyway? How am I supposed to be in love, without falling in love? What can I do to make the most of the time we have left? Sure, I'm probably wasting my time in a dead-end relationship. But never mind that.

By experimentation, I don't necessarily mean sexual experimentation. Although I'm open to that, too. The sex life has been great so far, because my inhibitions are gone (no future for us! nothing to be embarrassed about in the future!). "Oh, you came? No, you will not go to sleep. I'm having my turn." Although this, of course, is good for both of us, and for any future relationships?

So far, I've learnt to be more assertive, because I don't think, "Oh, shit. Did I do something wrong? What if we break up?" I know our relationship is likely to end in about six months, and am not worried about long-term impact. At the same time, I don't want to come off as a selfish jerk.

In the future, I'd like both of us to look back at this time and think, Ah, those six months were fantastic. Hivemind, tell me how to behave in this sort of thing!

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

Language/society where the word for love is the same as the word for hate?

Josh Coe — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:40:52 -0800

I seem to remember hearing or reading about an ancient society whose word for love was the same as their word for hate. But searching online I can't find anything like that. What culture/language was this? Or did someone just make up this story?

Help me be my own best friend

mossicle — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 09:46:14 -0800

What epiphanies and thought processes have helped you love yourself? I don't always like myself, and I think that negatively impacts my relationships with others as well as my self-confidence and mental health. When things aren't going well, I tend to fall into a pattern of self-sabotage.

I've heard all the usual suggestions on how to love yourself - repeating self-affirmations in the mirror, writing lists of your strengths, etc. I feel like at this point, these kinds of external exercises would get me nowhere. What I'd really like is a glimpse into the mind of somebody who has reached a healthy place where they accept their faults and recognize their strong points. They take good care of themselves and make good decisions that they can look back on with satisfaction. If this is you, what realizations or experiences helped you get there? When you're going through a rough patch, what is your inner monologue like?

Thanks in advance for sharing.