Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Life

What to do with my life

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:04:48 -0800

Please tell me how I can find out what to do with my life? Of course you cannot really tell me what to do with my life. Of course in the end I have to make up my mind and come up with a decision. But maybe you can help me a bit with my struggle or point me into the right direction (if there is any).

About me: I am from Germany and 27 years old. Athough a lot of people say that this is no age, I often feel like I already passed passed the zenith of my life without really archieving anything.

After school I went straight to university and started studying economics. After one year I found out that economics is definitely not the way I want to study economics and switched to political science. After four years I graduated in political science (inbetween I spent one year at a British university).

In the same year I worked as a freelance researcher for a small NGO and started my Master’s degree in International Political Economy which I am about to finish now (only have to write up the last bits of my thesis).

I am an excellent student, I have a scholarship and I already worked as a teaching assistant for the master course while being a student myself. Everything in my life was/is orientated towards an academic career. I never ever really had job outside academia.

Ok here is the catch: I also suffer from depression and it gets worse each time I have a long and unstructured writing project like my master thesis in front of me. I like the research part, I like the reading part and I like to think about theoretical problems. I don’t like doing empirical work and I especially don’t like writing everything up in the end. I find it extremely boring. I procrastinate and I suffer unitil eventually everything becomes meaningless and I think of applying for some lousy jobs with no intellectual requirements at all.

I had (and have) psychotheraphy, I took antidepressants (did not really help in the end) and also spent two months in residual therapy (best decision of my life but as soon as I got out I lost everything really fast again).

I think, one reason why I still haven't finished my master thesis is because I am really afraid of the next step. Or to be more precise: I don't know what this next step will look like.

So far I really liked the job of being a teaching assisstant. It is a demanding job but not too demanding. I can live out my narcissism in a positive way. And I get instant gratification in the form of positive feedback. Something I do not get by doing research. However, there is no way to be a teaching assisstant for the rest of your life (at least not in Germany).

Should I still try to go for a PhD (although I know it will be hell for me)?. What are other options (also outside of Germany)? Are there any books & tests I can consult? Personal stories?

How to deal with homesickness while living abroad? (And when can I give in to it and go home?

inatizzy — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:32:54 -0800

I've been happily living abroad for three months, and all of a sudden I'm extremely homesick and I want to come home. I want to get past this, but how? (Apologies for the length. It's a complicated issue for me. The questions are at the end. Thanks. :)

I've been living in Buenos Aires for 3 months now, fulfilling a long-time dream to live abroad. I'm settled in with a small group of friends I see a few times a week (fellow swing dancers), moving to an apartment with two nice roommates this week, and I've pretty much moved past the just-moved-here distractions and into regular, mundane life.

So for the past week, I've been hit by intense, depression-level homesickness. I'm missing my family the most I have in many years, probably because I'm in the thick of spending my first Christmas ever away from my hometown and my family, which is very sad and a even a little scary for me. (It is too expensive to go back, and I knew that when I decided to come here.) Christmas is not religious for us, but it's a ritual that is the cornerstone of my year. We come together and it wraps up this year and starts off the next one. To stave off the loneliness, I've been good about making plans with friends for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and I will video Skype with my family.

Despite this, the homesickness persists. I cycle between feeling normal and feeling really down. The down time is usually in the afternoon, when I'm home alone and the long, lonely day is stretched out ahead of me. The up time is usually in the evening and night when I have plans. (Or even tonight, when I don't!) What I'm going through now reminds me of the way my mood cycled one summer, seven years ago, when I had major depression. Overall I feel more stable and happy now than then, during my "up" times, but the down times are similar. I'm sad, filled with hopelessness and grief, and I cry so hard that I practically burst out of my skin. My perspective gets skewed and I don't believe any of the logic behind my decision to live here. I get desperate and I just want to end the pain and be home with my family RIGHT NOW. (Even though Mom & I both agree that really, this should be a good experience for our family to go experience a Christmas when one of us isn't there.)

During the ups I feel pretty normal and in agreement with the logic that brought me here to live. But I do feel more tired, emotionally and physically, and I just don't have as much energy to be enthusiastic about things. (Usually I'm quite bubbly and smiley.) My friends notice and have been asking me if I'm OK, even when I'm in the best part of my day.

The whole thing is making me question how long I want to or should stay here. I came here to improve my Spanish and to live internationally for awhile. (So that I will have had that life experience.) When I'm feeling up, I have the strength to keep pushing on towards those goals but when I'm down, I don't care anymore. I just want to be home. I want to give up trying to stay strong. In both states of mind I am looking forward to settling into a community for the long term and working my way up in a new career path (community organizing or something similar). These are things I've been looking forward to since before I left and in fact they inspired me to live abroad because I wasn't ready to settle down until I did this first.

I'm sorry for writing so much here. I guess what I'm looking for here is some insight and guidance from people who've been through this before. Why did homesickness hit, what did you miss, and how did you cope with it? Do you have advice for me as I try to overcome it? Both during the holidays, and in general? And at what point is it OK to decide to go home? I don't want to give up too soon but I also don't want to be unnecessarily hard on myself and force myself to stay here unhappily. Thanks in advance for any advice.

How not to turn away others just for being myself?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 09:06:27 -0800

How to deal with coming into my own without alienating those I love? I've been depressed for many years and only now am coming to terms with it, planning on seeking therapy in the coming year, and trying to express my own personality, in small doses at first, with others. However, some people, most notably my family, seem to be taking my newly expressed personality badly. I don't consider myself a a particularly bad person, but even showing that I'm anything other than perfectly content seems to cause conflict.

I've always been the good son. The unassuming obedient child of the family that did what was expected of me and my family loves this happy perfect persona I've kept up for many years. But it's just not me. My whole life I've felt trapped into being this person and am trying to slowly bring my real personality out into the open among those I trust. But I've found that as I start to open up to more of my real self to others, the people that know "me" seem further away than ever. How do I become more of than the false idea of myself I used to project without driving others away? And how do I deal with a family that knows me only for what I've represented myself as, but not as a person with any real human emotions?

A routine malaise?

the foreground — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 18:38:33 -0800

Recently I have been having trouble finding enjoyment or excitement in almost all of my regular recreational and social activities. I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed, this is not an overall feeling of hopelessness, as I am petty happy with the general outline and direction of my life. It is more of a specific, lackluster feeling of blandness that has gradually crept into most activities that I supposedly do for "enjoyment." I'm only 25. What gives? This affects things like enjoyment of music, sport, and meeting new people, a feeling of "having been there before." I don't think it is simply a matter of mixing it up and doing new things, because I do try out new activities from time to time and I routinely meet new people. I am happy at work, have a nice girlfriend and otherwise engaged happily in the world. Some specific examples of where this feeling persists:

-I am a music fanatic, yet I haven't heard an album that has given me goosebumps in at least two years. This used to happen a lot more often.

-I follow a sport quite passionately yet I can not remember the last game I watched that I truly enjoyed and gave me that feeling of excitement that caused me to watch the sport regularly in the first place.

-Often when I am taking part in a hobby that I have always enjoyed, my mind wanders and thinks about all the other things I could or should be doing to the point where it becomes quite difficult to actually enjoy the hobby.

-When I meet people now I often automatically categorize them into pre-disposed groups like "hipsters" or "bros" without actually really caring to get to know them on an individual level. I used to be a lot more open minded.

-I have run out of all patience with politics/media (another formerly enjoyable subject) to the point of true apathy.

Is this just a symptom of being a few years out of college and adjusting to the tedium of the 9-5 grind? Have I begun outgrowing all my interests and just not found the new thing or things to replace them with yet? I would love to just be able to go back to being able to enjoy watching a movie or listening to an album and loving it without reservation, but I feel as though I've become too critical or jaded for this to be a possibility. Has this happened to you? How did you get over it?

Honolulu off the beaten path?

ldenneau — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 11:13:15 -0800

So kid has a babysitter and the wife and I have a date night tonight in Honolulu. Lived here for five years, looking for something different to experience. We're not looking for tourist/Waikiki stuff or loud, crowded Chinatown clubs. Any suggestions? Mahalo!

Safe vs. beautiful

schmichael — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 02:06:58 -0800

I have to decide whether to return to medical school next year or not. Looking for lots of perspective. Hi everybody. At the start of this year I entered my third year of medical school in New Zealand. In April I decided to withdraw for the year. Then I went to America and travelled on my own for three months. I've been home for about another three months, and it's finally getting close to the point where I have to make my decision: do I go back next year or not. It's a really big issue and the decision involves so much of my life and me that I apologise in advance for how long this post is going to be.

I left high school and went straight to university in a NZ town, living with my Dad. In NZ you do a preliminary year for competitive entry to med. I got in. I finished second year.

I was miserable. I was very lonely in my first year, among other things, I was living with my dad and his girlfriend for the first time, it didn't work out, also I missed out on student life. And I was also young and very insecure, and I hadn't even started to understand myself or the world around me or the hurt of my childhood. My first year of university was very bad - I was unhappy, I blotted it out with study, my marks and my discipline deteriorated, I wasn't enthusiastic about what I was doing anyway.

I just went into medicine because it was there, it was obvious. It was right in plain sight, and it required no risk. It was safe. I didn't actually want to do it for it's own sake. Nobody in my family is in medicine.

I hoped that when I got into medicine, with the smaller classes I would meet more people and be happier. And while this was initially true, once the excitement of the new had worn off, the same problems sprung up again. My new friends quietly drifted away. I stopped going to classes. I avoided myself in mirrors. I stopped trying to make jokes in small group work, and just sat there like a zombie. I stopped paying attention or studying.

I was also working on the med school yearbook in 2nd year. I was the editor, and I ended up spending an entire month slaving away at it. I didn't try and delegate so I just did the majority of it myself. I wrote about a quarter of it, and did all the proofing and editing work myself. I'm not being arrogant when I say the end result was amazing. My classmates were blown away - I still get enthusiastic compliments about it, a year later. There's some significance to this that I can't quite think of the words for right now.

After throwing myself into the magazine - to give myself an excuse for not talking to people? - I had to spend a solid month working nonstop, 9am-midnight studying to catch up and pass my exams. I am intelligent, so I made it.

Again I hoped that the next year would be better. I spent the summer being lazy and smoking pot. Towards the end of the summer the pot started to destroy my self-esteem. By the end of the summer, and the start of third year, I was in tatters. Within a week of the new term, I didn't want to go outside. I barely listened in lectures. I didn't go to labs or tutorials.

I also started to fixate on my female flatmate and I decided that I was in love with her and that she would fix my life. It was classically insecure. I tried to use her to make me happy. But she did manage to talk some sense into me by getting me to admit how unhappy I was in medicine, and then helping me decide to leave and go travelling. In May I realised how selfish I had been with her and apologised and put my bad behaviour to rest. Then I went travelling.

My family is largely Americans who have drifted to NZ. I didn't consider this when I chose America, so it was basically an accident that I met my father's side of the family. They helped me realise how much I had blamed myself for the awful things he did to my life. I also met a girl and had experiences which made me start to like... and even love myself. I felt good about myself. I felt powerful, I felt brave and wonderful. I'd never felt like that before.

Then I came back to NZ. It's taken me a while to get back on my feet and get a job, and I've been thinking about next year, thinking about myself, talking to people and trying to come to a decision.

Why would I go back to medicine? Because I'm still scared and it's still 'safe.' Because it's easy, and there's a job at the end of it. Because I've already started and I might as well keep going.

These are terrible fucking reasons. I know that.

I get scared of lots of things. I get scared of starving to death and being unemployed in a recession-stricken resource depleted globally warmed world. But I have to accept that medical school won't protect me from the collapse of civilisation. Nothing will protect me from that.

I think that if I go back to medicine I will feel the same way. I won't be taking a risk. I think I will sink back down into misery and feel ashamed of myself and never know what to talk about because there is no passion in my heart.

I am passionate about books and words and language and I think that the only thing that would be fair to myself would be to throw myself into the unknown and push myself as far as possible.

I keep trying to imagine some course of action that leads me to a job that is: of absolute value and meaning, satisfying, monied-up, I am passionate about, immune to The Collapse of Everything, morally invulnerable, ethical, invulnerable to my negativity and critical analysis, respected, safe and easy, so-on and so-on.

I think I have to accept that there is no such thing. If I have tied myself up into knots and made myself miserable by constantly searching for some rational way to justify my actions, and I have failed and know in my heart that perservering will lead to only more failure, then the only logical thing to do is embrace the irrational.

I think that there is something beautiful about being in the middle of a recession and saying, 'you know everyone does an arts degree because they have no idea what they want to do, but I'm not everyone, I'm beautiful and I want to dive into the arts because it's in my soul.' What is life if you don't take risks? You might not make it, but if you don't try you'll never know if you could have or not...

Maybe I have answered my own question. There is the fact that my mood and attitude fluctuates a LOT and I have changed my mind so many times (each time for what felt like perfectly sound reasoning at the time) that it is dizzying. Still, I am looking for perspective.

What would I do other than medicine? Go to university and try and study whatever the fuck I'm interested in. Get a job and make some money. Go live somewhere that isn't a fucking cold empty New Zealand village where I can find people who are like me. Become an academic. Write my book. Get a job doing something ethically dubious like working in marketing or corporate psychology or something. Embrace the fundamental flaws of human life that I've spent so long trying to think my way out of.

Was the Rockport Institute worth the money?

Rubbstone — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:26:00 -0800

Anyone ever used the Rockport Institute before? Was it helpful?

What really long lists can I put my name on now to thank myself later?

2legit2quit — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:31:24 -0800

Long Term Planning: I just submitted my name to the Packer season ticket waiting list, which is supposed to be 30 years long. I don't even live in Wisconsin, but life could take me anywhere in 30 years, and I like the feeling of knowing it might be an option one day. Are there any other lists or similar things I should do now? Please no general health or exercising advice.

uuugh, schmoozing.

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 08:55:55 -0800

On the receiving end of lots of business 'networking' for the first time. How to deal with it? The department I work in has been searching for a head. This has been a national search, and has generated a great deal of attention in my profession, especially locally.

I am relatively young for the position I occupy, but am at the moment the most senior in my department. My question has to deal with being on the receiving end of people 'networking'. This is the first time I've had to deal with it. People have been coming out of the woodwork over the last few months asking about the job to me, making sure with me personally that their materials are in good hands, doing the 'wink, wink, I'd be perfect for this job.' Or the 'Hey! It's been forever, how's life? Oh yea, is that position still open?' Or gleaning information from general chit chat at events and contacting my boss about the position (this was before it was posted, I was just describing that our department had been without a head for quite a while, not a big deal that I divulged this).

Now I know, this probably sounds like your general business networking. But it's making me pretty uncomfortable, because it ranges from former colleagues to people internationally recognized in the field. It kind of puts me on the spot, and puts me in a weird position to react or accommodate them, even though it's not my decision (although I am part of the interviewing process). So anyways, how do you deal with schmoozing, ranging from subtle to very overt. It's also just a weird dynamic because this position is for my boss. How should I take it when I realize that conversations are turning into just what this person wants out of me. It all feels very insincere and like I'm being used for a foot in the door. I know this won't be the last time in my career I'll have to deal with this, so I better learn now.

Thoughts, stories, wisdom, much appreciated.

Am I too logical?

schmichael — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:37:09 -0800

How do I talk to people when I am choked by logic? Kind of tricky to explain my dilemma, but I'll give it a shot. A little about my background: I'm an atheist, and I was heavily influenced while growing up by a very very logical, rational-minded person (my stepdad). I've always been told that you should question everything, and that you shouldn't shy away from uncomfortable answers.

I think a lot and I really think that I'm very logical and honest in my way of thinking. Over the last couple of years, I've challenged all of the absolute values, or ideals, that I held. And I've pretty much knocked over every one. I've seen the pros and cons of pretty much every idea or event, the flow of logic and inevitability that sweeps through all of human existence. I can't feel passionate about anything because I can understand why it came to be, why it couldn't help but come to be, and what fundamental problem makes it impossible to solve.

For example, I used to believe that stopping climate change was a worthwhile thing to do, now I see very clearly the chain of events that will make it inevitable - how oil consumption is linked to current population levels and affluence, resulting in increased emissions, and how it isn't just people driving cars but every single facet of modern human life, and the only way to stop it would be for everybody to voluntarily stop eating and buying and reproducing... and I can see through every single vouched solution, because it is so easy when you apply concepts like natural selection, thermodynamics, population ecology...

So now when someone tries to talk to me about climate change - and they're passionate and reaaaally want to do something about it - I basically have to bite my tongue and force myself not to explain why it's pointless. When they talk about how all we need is more windfarms, I can think of a million reasons why windfarms don't work, and even if they did... If I do open my mouth, I think I scare people. And I hate stripping people of their values, because it's so hard for me, I think, well, why shouldn't they believe something if it gives them a sense of purpose?

And it's like this with almost everything. I feel very worried by conversations, because my mind is always working on a very high, abstract level, and I can't connect to people or speak my mind without getting into some very murky territory. I can drown people in shades of gray.

Other than waiting for the irrational thunderbolt of falling in love to come and clear things up for me, what can I do? Does anyone else feel like this? I have a sneaking suspicion that this is linked to my possible hypomania... when I am in a manic-feeling state, I tend to feel that there is something beautiful and essential in the pure act of being alive, so my conversation reflects that. When I am feeling down, this stuff clouds in very heavily.

It's not just when I talk to other people - it hamstrings my sense of purpose in life, in what I am doing, in what I am thinking about. It can be very cruel.

I hope I don't come off as arrogant in this post. This feeling is not one of arrogance - this feeling doesn't inspire scorn in me... just a sad and deflated sense of jealousy for those who are a little simpler, a little more irrational. And I hope that I actually explained myself, because it certainly feels very confusing when I try and lay it down.

I am living a wasted life. Tell me how to live.

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:56:01 -0800

I am living a wasted life. Depressed and stuck. I know this question has been asked a million times in a million different ways by a million different people. But I want to ask it myself, and hear what you say to me, because I am at the end of my rope. I am weeks away from my 33rd birthday. I am 200 lbs. overweight. I am separated from my husband of 5 years, and in the midst of getting a divorce. I never really was in love with him (he was a good friend, but not a person I ever was sexually attracted to. I am sure he was never attracted to me either). I think we married each other because we were both lost and didn't know what else to do.

I am sad over the end of the marriage, not because I fell out of love, but because it is a wake-up call that I wasted years of my life. I lived years of my life in a marraige, and now that it has ended, nothing has changed. I failed, and I am still the same paralyzed, reclusive, anxious, undependable, scared girl.

Earlier this year/late last year I was out of work for about 3 months due to depression, and luckily I still have a job. I just missed 4 more days of work. I don't know what happens to me. I am fine for months at a time, but then I wake up one morning and just. can't. get. in. the. shower. I sit in bed paralyzed with the thought of facing the day. That leads me to a downward spiral of missing days and days of work. I was suicidal late last year, I'm not now. I'm stuck.

I can't get myself to do even the most simple of things, like changing the cat litter, cleaning the apartment, answering the phone. I have mental blocks. If I have to pee, I will literally sit and debate with myself for an hour over whether to get up and go to the bathroom. I will sit for days knowing that I should get out and exercise, but instead I will watch tv, or lurk on mefi. I love food, and have an emotional relationship with food, but the thought of having to cook a healthy meal makes me tired before I even start.

While I'm at work or forced to be in a social environment, I am different. I am "on" - I talk and joke and do quality work. But it's just a shell that can be so easily broken, and has been.

I have friends but I loose them because I don't communicate with them because I can't bear the thought of leaving my home to meet with them or pick up the phone and call them.

Things you should know:

1. I am currently on anti-depressants, and see a psychiatrist about once a month for medication management. I have been on and off various anti-depressants for about 10 years and will continue to work with my current doctor to get the right combo of medication that works for me. But I also know that drugs can't solve everything.

2. I know I need to go to therapy. I KNOW this. I go, once, twice, then I stop. I think I found a good therapist, so how do I make myself go?

3. I know I need to go to bed earlier. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to eat less and eat healthier. I know I need to maintain relationships. I know I need to find activities. So far I haven't been able to do any of these things for extended periods of time.

I want your advice on how to live my life. I am like a 33 year old infant. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to function as a human being. I think I will die and I will still be the same stale, lifeless person. I will have lived a wasted life. I'm really am not living, I'm only breathing. Can you tell me anything to help me?

email: wastedlife1@gmail.com

It's time to settle down. Please help me.

st starseed — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:45:39 -0800

It's time to settle down. Please help me. 7 1/2 years ago, I graduated from college. Since then:

I've lived in five different states - DC/VA, NC, FL, IL, MI.
I've had leases with six different apartments.
I've worked full-time for two pro baseball teams and part time for another. (I love baseball.)
I've also worked in a few other industries, including fundraising, DJing, and mortgage banking.

I've been lucky for a lot of reasons. Life has been good.

I like movement. Motion. Exploring new passions and learning about others'.

And today I did something that will likely put an end to all of this: I applied for a mortgage. My wife, whom I love dearly, wants a house. She has figured out what she wants to do with her life. She wants to be here in Michigan, where we both grew up. She wants a few children. She's ready to settle and have the American Dream life we're all programmed to have.

I also want to settle. But it doesn't feel like the right time, even though I know that eventually I have to settle.

Thus, to everyone: How do you know/did you know it was the right time to settle? Were you okay with it? Does a point come when it really does feel right?

Life management iPhone apps?

badish — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:25:05 -0800

Is there an iPhone app that is similar to Jakob Lodwick's Standards Project? I want something a little more comprehensive than just a to-do list.

How to eat for fun.

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 07:35:50 -0800

I want to re-learn how to enjoy food and the process of eating. For who knows what reason, I never really learned how to just enjoy food. I'm going to spare gory background details because even if they were important, I want to focus on the future rather than the deep inner meaning for my sorta-ish eating issues.
I've been a vegetarian for about five years or so, so I'm very health conscious...for the most part. During the day, I try to eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, proteins (mostly tofu/meat substitutes) and some dairy. I rarely stray far from "healthy" foods during the day. At night I sometimes go on crazy binges and end up feeling sick and out of control. During these periods, I usually binge on carbs, cookies/cake, basically anything I can get my hands on. What's odd is this times of complete lack of control are punctuated by a day where I simply won't eat anything.
I want to learn how to eat "normally"--whatever that means. How can I learn to just eat ONE slice of pizza and not constantly be thinking about more food, or the guilt of that slice? How can I just eat ONE cookie and not the entire batch?
I'm looking mostly for pragmatic solutions, mindsets, etc. I've tried some behavioral therapy, but it wasn't really for me. Thanks for your help.

How to take a terminal relative in to your home to die when there are multiple complications?

stormpooper — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 10:20:16 -0800

Mother with terminal cancer, dad being an @#$ about her care, I want to take her in but it's complicated. How do I handle it? My mother's cancer is spreading (metastatic breast cancer--now in liver, spleen, bones, spot in lungs). She's been on more aggressive chemo and it's not working. They want to put a port in her veins and she doesn't want it. Dad forcing her to have it. She just wants to stop all chemo and let things happen. However, my dad is getting sick of spending money (he can afford it + Medicare/insurance suppliment), driving her to 2ce a week chemo, seeing her "complain". He's in denial about her dying. On the other hand my mom is tired of everything, being controlled, not being allowed to recover because he forces her to live life like nothing is wrong (puking? What about my dinner? Go cook). Doc won't give time estimates with or without chemo (she probably doesn't know).

My dad, being the controlling asshole that he is told her that she is going to be kicked out and have to die somewhere like a home. I am appauled and want her to stay with me. However, this poses multiple problems:
1. I have a 10 month old
2. Small house; all 3 bedrooms (mine, spare, baby's) are right next to each other at the top of the stairs so no privacy for anyone
3. my husband and her don't really get along
4. me and my mom don't really get along because she can be highly difficult (you can't thank 40+ years of abuse). She can throw temper tantrums, butt in where she doens't belong, swear/yell if she doesn't like something ,etc. My son is being cared for by a college student nanny. I can only imagine her being vocal about his care while we're at work. I can't have her impact others and lose a nanny over this either.

I do not believe someone should be shoved in a home to die alone. However, I'm her only option. I have to also worry if dad (out of loss of control) will cut all of her medical care since he pays for it. I would need him to continue her care, hospice, nurse care under my roof because I can't afford it.

Is it logical for this to work out so she can have at least her last days in some peace/normalcy?
How can I continue to have a normal house? (my husband and I are going through marriage issues as it is; she knows some of it and I don't want her instigating things either).
Finally, when is the right time to take her in? She's not dying right of yet and is fine but the way things are going, it doesn't look like this will be another year of this. Do I take her in during her final weeks? Three months before? When she decides to stop treatment or when my dad because impossible (not that he isn't right now)?

I have no answers but just want to "fix" this in the best possible way to give this woman some dignity--despite our history of severe ups and downs. However, I have a husband and a baby. I don't want it to impact them either.

Thanks.

How do you turn around the cumulative effects of bad decisions or bad luck?

jeffreyclong — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 22:05:24 -0800

How do you turn around the cumulative effect of bad decisions or bad luck? A friend recently pointed out to me that in life chaos breeds chaos. When one area of life is out of whack it causes other areas to get out of whack as well. This seems to have a cumulative snowball effect that becomes difficult to dig out of and causes more seemingly unrelated problems. I've particularly seen it occur in couples who marry young, possibly expecting a child, without an income to support themselves and a lack of knowledge about how to manage the organization of a household. The financial problems snowball and it seems impossible to get ahead, and eventually they become relational problems. I've also had friends with chronic health problems that could be solved by losing weight but every time they tried to exercise something like sickness would get in the way. Do any of you have any experience turning situations like this around? How did you do it? Do you know people who turned situations like this around? How did they do it? How would you help people who are in this position? While it would be easy to label some of this a poverty or discipline problem, it's also a systemic problem. How do you intervene at the systemic level rather then judge or enable?

Adjusting my Sails

Rubbstone — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:32:47 -0800

Do I give in to wanderlust? Or go back to school for a grad degree in Comp. Engr with an eye to robotics? I'm a graduate of Morehouse College with A Physics Degree. I'm kind of pigeonholed in the current economy and unsure of what the next step would be. I had a full scholarship when I went to school but since then I've under achieved to a 2.99 which would be a 3.25+ minus leadership and art classes. I like my job in customer service most of the time but its draining for the introvert. I don't want to be around people that bore me right now. My family is recomending me for grad school at this point and their right, if I'm going now is the time. But,should I. I'm not even sure what I would want to be a good outcome. I'm smart a problem solver and a fast worker who knows how to work with difficult situations. I want to be my own boss and I like designing things, thinking aobut what people need and occassionally being with people. Do you have any ideas for me? Any places I should look or go. I've been thinking military but I'm already chaffing at my jo,bs rules I think that would be worse. Half the time I feel like I should blow all my money and skip town

A ladder left behind

Funmonkey1 — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:55:24 -0800

[FearFilter]: 15 years ago I experienced an imminent death/serious injury moment that turned out ok. However, I still feel physical chills and tingly feelings even thinking about it. Am I the only one or is this common? Thoughts and stories appreciated. The science is a huge bonus. Short background. Many years ago some friends and I decided to put a ladder out the 3rd floor house in order to gain access to the roof.

I clearly recall the way back down the ladder and it is no mistake, balance was against me. That 1 second of fighting against of gravity while looking down is ingrained in my mind. The moment is etched forever in the brain and triggers immediate fear and physical response if I focus on it. WTF? After so long?

I can't be the only one that has such a memory that stirs such strong physical and emotion reaction. What is it called and how does one not be so jolted?

What's next for my career?

st starseed — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 20:11:02 -0800

Currently: Gainfully employed in the business of selling mortgages. Problem: Not entirely fulfilling. Help: What now? I graduated from college seven years ago, and since then, I've done the following full-time: provided support to fundraisers tasked with raising money for financial aid at a major university, created multimedia and ran scoreboards for two professional baseball teams, and sold mortgages.

Most of my peers and friends have long since found "the thing" that will keep them busy for the next 30 years, but I seem incapable of staying tied to one organization and profession. But the next time I start over, I want it to be the last time.

I was a journalism major in college and love to write. I love libraries. I love urban planning and design. I love higher education. And baseball. I can sell.

How do any of these things fit together into a fulfilling career? And how can I find that career without spending another dime on more education?

Jump in, the water's fine

snowymorninblues — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 11:04:07 -0800

Why don't I know what I want? I seem to have always had trouble making decisions. As I've gotten older I've gotten better at making quicker consumer decisions w/out analyzing all the info (mentioned b/c this was actually a major life change for me, after reading Barry Schwartz's the Paradox of Choice), but I'm having a lot of trouble with the bigger picture. Issues both big and small: should we get a dog? should I sign up to volunteer someplace? Is it wasting everybody's time to interview if I'm not sure I'd enjoy this job? I like the freedom of parttime/contract work, but am I sacrificing fulfillment I might find in a career? Is now a good time to start our family? Do we want a family?

It feels like I'm on the sidelines watching a game(life) going on. These are things it seems many other people don't even give much thought to, they just jump in. When I ask myself 'what do I want' I get overwhelmed, depressed and spiral down.

Some would argue, don't stress about it, just go with the flow, but the trouble is, I'm in my late 30's and I feel like I should have a little bit of a plan (particularly the family thing). I know life is unpredictable, but it seems by not having any plan at all I'm missing out on experiences that would contribute to a richer life - connections, memories, joys, sadness, growth... and instead am just sort of living numbly.

I don't think it's an issue of being afraid of risks, per se, but in the past when I've taken risks I've always had a clear conviction about what I wanted. OTOH I feel like part of my problem may be past situations where I either took the path of least resistance or made a spontaneous decision and in hindsight wish I had done something differently. I definitely have a problem with evaluating current decisions in terms of possible missed opportunities in the future. Although it wasn't 2nd nature to me, I have gotten ok with the whole 'go out try it, fail, make mistakes, try again, savor the process' philosophy. I just seem to have trouble applying that to the big decisions

Also, because if seems relevant, for much of my adult life I had a long term goal I was working towards and had built much of life around. About a year ago I realized that I had achieved what I originally set out to do. I have a new related goal now, but it's less defined, with a longer timeline, and isn't as much a driving force in how I'm living my daily life. I think part of my problem stems from being so focused on the old goal, and am little lost now that it's past.

Any advice on how to tackle this? I've read a lot of 'find your path' books, but I feel like I need concrete actionable steps. Do you think it warrants seeing a therapist? I tried last year and despite being hopeful it would help, it was a rather disappointing and frustrating experience, the therapist just kept telling me 'acceptance is key'. I understand what she meant, but I want to be pushed harder, have someone who will work with me to find the real issues, adjust how I think about things, call me out on my bs, etc. I'm would love to try again with a different therapist, any suggestions on finding that person (I live in a small town in CA)?

Do I need to just get out of my head, am I soft because my life is just too darn easy? I feel like there's a part of me waiting to be unlocked. If I really didn't know deep down somewhere what I wanted, wouldn't I just be happy with the status quo? Thanks for your wisdom!!

Immersive Education Degree

ConnieL — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 15:37:39 -0800

Greetings! Would anyone here have any information about obtaining a masters or PhD in immersive education? I have a Masters in Education, but I would like to focus on the educational possibilities of 3D virtual worlds like Second Life, Reaction Grid and Wonderland. I believe these environments have astounding potential. If not a degree then perhaps some best practices ideas... thanks so much! I have a couple of years of experience within the VR game Second Life, and a bit in Reaction Grid, but I would like to delve more into the educational aspects of this. I am a member of Immersive Education Grid (http://immersiveeducation.org/).

What goes where?

philad — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 14:35:25 -0800

What are some methods for compartmentalizing my life? Is it GTD / Covey or something else? It feels odd to try and shove things into compartments but it seems necessary otherwise I end up kind of drifting until something urgent comes up. Are there any unique solutions out there?

The best urban rehab projects

amusem — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:06:50 -0800

Seeking success stories of land decontamination and rehabilitation in urban areas. I'm having a hard time with my search. I'm not familiar with this field.

In other words : Fairly recent examples of industrial urban wastelands that have been reclaimed and transformed into lively neighborhoods, parks, campuses, etc.

Examples from the US or Europe if possible.

Thank you !

Move to Portland hold out?

veritas — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:03:36 -0800

Move to Portland in a year or stay in San Diego, presuming we can buy a house outright? My husband and I recieved a decent inheritance when his mother passed away. We used part of it to get the"yay stuff" out of our systems, pay for his school in full, and get a long term, reliable car. So, no debt at all.

We've thought very carefully about what to do with the remainder - 160k - and we'd like to buy a small house outright. We own a mobile home now, but it's in a bad part of San Diego and the rent is much more than we would pay with a house (900 a month plus property tax, despite owning it)

Explaination done - is Portland a worthwhile idea? We like the liberal leaning community and walkability. I'm an admin assistant, he's a masseuse. We wold move in a year.

Should I register for classes in the fall?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:56:03 -0800

So I'm about to start my 7th year of community college... Yeah, I've been going to community college for six years. God, I want to throw up. I'm just trying to figure out if I should register for fall, if I should take a single class, if I should take a full-time courseload, or what.

All the boring details follow:

My dad forced me into going to school at first; I really wanted to take off a year after high school, and in retrospect really wish I'd had the guts to do so. It would have been fine, but I was afraid of my dad at the time. I did badly that first year, and got a couple Fs and Ws.

After that, I got a job and moved out while going to school at night. I did okay for a while, but progress was very slow going. A couple years of that later, I moved back in with my parents, thinking that I would be able to deal with all the parental bullshit much better now that I'd proven myself by supporting myself for a while and being responsible.

Not so. Living with my parents is fraught with the threat of emotional, verbal and occasionally physical abuse at any time. Some people would be able to tolerate these occasional outbursts in exchange for the weeks of rent-free living in between them, but soon I fell into deep depression. There's a good 9-12 month period there after I moved back in of blankness, stagnation, depressive blackness. My grades steadily got worse, and much of that time was spent re-taking classes I'd failed my first year anyway.

So I got another job and moved out last year. I got over my depression. But goddamn it, I couldn't go back to taking a single class a semester while having so little time for a social life or my hobbies. I saved up a little money, I registered for a full-time course load last spring. I moved back in with my parents and promptly procrastinated my way into withdrawing from half my classes.

This past summer, I registered for a single, six-week English class. I told myself I would focus on just one class and grind it out. It started out okay, but a bunch of fighting erupted at home and I couldn't concentrate, even after the fighting ended. I couldn't go from fighting to sitting down with coffee and writing a paper about gender identity or whatever the fuck. So I failed that class.

The thing is, once I was able to actually turn a paper in on time in that English class, I got an A on it no problem. And I've gotten A's in the past. I know I am capable of good work, of hard work. But it's always one thing after another with my fucking family. There is just constant conflict and tension. I mean, we get along one on one, but when you get more than three of us together in a room there's going to be some yelling, so we usually avoid situations that put us together like that. I can't live like this. There are some people who can compromise on the day to day like this and deal; I'm not one of them. My dad is one of them, and he's usually the guy instigating the fights.

So basically where I'm at now is I have to move out, for good, and never ever come back here. But I don't want to give up on school. For one, it seems like a cruel joke that it's only in the last year or so that I know what I want to study whereas for years after I started college I had no idea. I want to get to a university where I can actually delve into this subject (since they don't teach it at community college). I have just over a year's worth of credits but the general ed requirements I have left will take me a year full-time. I just cannot imagine going to school full-time if I'm working to support myself, even with the financial aid I'm getting.

I really don't want to quit school. I've been going for a long time and I just don't have time to lose by taking a semester or year to "find myself" or "get situated." I know what I want to study now, and I know what the problem is: my family. What I don't know is how I'm going to pay for it. So I don't know what to do here. I'm really at a loss. Every time I think I'm coming to a decision I get pulled towards the other side.

If I take a single class this semester, I'm pushing back transferring to at least one and a half years from now, if not two, because of pre-requisites. If I take both the pre-reqs I need to, which add up to nine units, I don't see how I'll have enough time to work to save up any money to get the fuck out of here and I don't see how I can succeed when a fight can erupt at any moment.

What do I do?!?!

I have an email address, askmeaboutcommunitycollege@gmail.com , if you want to ask me a question or something. Thanks for reading! :)