Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with Friendships

Should I continue being friends with this person? Warning:I ramble...

getyourlife — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 08:32:41 -0800

I am wondering if I should continue a friendship with a woman I met on our old job almost 20 years ago. Some background: we're both in our 40's, married, and have children. We live in different cities, my family moved from our hometown 14 years ago. I work outside the home, she is a sahm since she had her first child. We have corresponded mostly by e-mail, facebook, text message over the years. When we both worked we would literally "talk" via e-mail the entire day. We have been there for each other through some really serious stuff, i.e. marital problems, deaths, pregnancies, illnesses. I used to be an open book with her, I'd talk to her about annoying things my husband did, concerns I had about life, dreams I had for myself and my family. She never really shared stuff on the same level, with me. She talks mostly about her kids, or gossips about stuff going on in her other friends' life, mind you I haven't met any of these people. Over the years I stopped sharing so intimately with her because I figure if she's going to share the dirt of the lives of her other friends with me, then surely my dirt was being shared with them.

There have been times over the years where she has done things that really hurt my feelings. Her birthday is exactly one week before mine (she's a year older). A few years ago she was turning 40. I asked her several times over the weeks leading up to her birthday what she was doing to celebrate. I found out, via facebook, that she had thrown a huge birthday party for herself the day after it happened. I know I live in another city, but she could have invited me, I would have come down. I go to our hometown several times a year, especially since my family is there. I never said anything to her about it.

As I mentioned, I go home a few times a year. I used to always tell her when we were coming in hopes that we could get together. A couple of years ago, my family was there during the week of Thanksgiving. I had told her the week prior we were coming. I heard nothing from her. I sent her a text when we were in town, again I get crickets. She responded to my text the Monday after Thanksgiving (when she knew I'd left) saying sorry, she'd left her cellphone in her dad's car. I used to get frustrated by this type of behavior and just cut her off. I actually tried talking directly to her about how I felt she took our friendship for granted. She acknowledged it and tried to do better.

Within the last week she nonchalantly posts on her facebook how she is packing her first box and has such a long to do list. That peaked my curiosity, as she had not mentioned anything about it in the several texts we'd exchanged recently. I asked her why she was packing? She said her family was buying a new house and renting their current one. She sent me the link to the MLS for the property. It's a huge step up from their current house, half million+, gated community, etc. She said she and her husband have been looking for a year and they have told no one. I honestly don't believe that, but whatever.

I don't know why her behavior irks me. For a long time I have felt she is all about "getting ahead" financially. She came from a middle class family. Her husband's family was more well off. Her husband works hard, owns his own business and is clearly doing pretty well financially. I started feeling she had issues around material things over a decade ago. She was planning her wedding to her husband while having an affair with his wealthy, married boss. She was 100% certain this guy was leaving his wife to be with her. I always told her this guy was not leaving his wife and that she was being used. Not even this guy and his wife getting pregnant after going through many rounds of infertility treatments made her believe he was a selfish ass. She told me she loved the boss. I asked why she was marrying the man who is now her husband. She said he had potential, she was running out of options, and that she loved him, but not passionately. Their friendship with the boss and his wife imploded after the company was sued by several of their clients for the boss's shady handling of their money. My friend and her husband are no longer in contact with the boss or his (now) ex wife.

So what is this? Is this a friendship? She can be supportive at times, she's not all bad. She was "there" for me (virtually) over the last couple of years when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I had to go through surgery/treatment. I just don't like the way I feel sometimes in my relationship with her. I have 3 other women I call "friend" who are married, have kids, are successful. None of these friendships make me feel "some kind of way" about myself. I try not to compare my life to other people's lives. Why is it so hard for me not to do that, on some level, with this one person?

Help settle a debate about a friend who ALWAYS flakes.

smersh — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 14:19:50 -0800

Friend Ay always looks forward to meeting Friend Bee. But Friend Bee changes her plans at the last minute at least 25% of the time. THIS time, however, Friend Ay was leaving to a different city to be with his ill grandfather. It may be a 4 day trip if the grandfather got better, and an unknown length of time had he passed away. Ay/Bee made a plan to meet up the night before Ay's flight. Bee didn't inform Ay that she was canceling the plan. They did not meet. Ay was livid. This had happened far too frequently, and the uncertainty of the duration of the trip made it all the worse. Bee profusely apologized; she realized the least she could have done is call and tell him. Upon Ay's return, he met up with some other friends and saved up some time for Bee to meet him afterward. But Bee had already made tentative plans with someone else, a coworker she sees every day. Ay INSISTED that Bee cancel her plans with Cee; they'll see each other again tomorrow at work anyway and can resume their fun on any other night. Bee responded by saying that she can't cancel fixed plans with someone else, even though that was exactly what she had done to Ay earlier in the week. Bee canceled on Ay, but would not cancel on Cee, even though Ay really wanted to talk. To add more to this story, Ay is leaving the country in 28 days. Perhaps for good. It is very likely that Ay and Bee will never meet again. Cee, on the other hand, sees Bee on a daily basis. They work together and will continue to meet up whenever they please. None of these three people are romantically involved.

Bee claims that Ay's last 28 days are of the utmost importance to her. Yet she has bailed on him one occasion, and refused to move a plan for the day of Ay's return for a man she can hang out with whenever she'd like. Ay stopped speaking to Bee, calling her selfish and stating that she has never made a gesture where his plans took priority. It always feels to Ay as though he's the back-up plan.

Was Ay right to ask for Cee's plans to be canceled, since Bee had no qualms about canceling Ay's plan in the first place?

If Bee's claims that Ay's final days truly are important to her, should she have rescheduled Cee?

Four nights have past; Ay and Bee have yet to meet, and Ay is only angrily texting her, telling her that he needs a gesture to prove the friendship isn't always on Bee's terms. Till date, Bee has not shown up to his doorstep (they live 7 minutes walking distance from each other) and does not believe a grand gesture is needed among friends. Ay's house is open to her 24/7, and she barely texts back when Ay gets heated and upset in their exchanges. In their last exchange, Bee switched off her phone intentionally.

Are Ay's requests of a grand gesture warranted, given the repetitive history of flakeouts? Is Bee possibly right in some way?

What is the best solution to this problem now that Ay doesn't believe she'll ever meet him on his terms? Give up the friendship and live on for the next 28 days? Figure out Bee's side of the puzzle?

What are the next steps?

Pursuing a Platonic Friendship

Valkyrie21 — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 18:56:38 -0800

So I am in an extended academic program meaning almost all of my friends have graduated and moved on and I know only a handful of people in my current city. I have always been very shy and since the departure of my friends I have been making every effort to be a more social, friendly, and outgoing person. I have been doing an OK job but sometimes stumble as I feel very awkward initiating friendships of either sex and I really need help with this one. Recently, I met a man through school who is several years beyond me in training (though we are the same age) and while our schedules coincided we spent a great deal of time together and hit it off splendidly. We have hung out one on one in the setting where we work/go to school after hours but we have both changed schedules and locations and this would not happen organically anymore. We are both in relationships and are aware of each others situation - interest is platonic only.

I am wondering how to ask this person to hang out and how to develop a friendship without crossing any boundaries. Our communication right now is limited to occasional texting. Group setting would not work because the only group events I attend he would feel uncomfortable attending due to them being mostly trainee events. Also, a double date is out due to my bf cringing at the thought! I am also just better at one on one interactions and do have male friends I hang out with one on one with no problem. They have asked in the past and in some cases I do remember feeling awkward at first and want to avoid that. I can't think of any wording that doesn't sound unnatural or overly serious. We are both very sarcastic and communicate via banter often so that makes it difficult to extend an invite that doesn't sound flirty or overly serious. Also, our discipline has us both training about 80hrs/wk so daytime normal activities like lunch are much more difficult to achieve - I usually grab after work drinks with most of my friends but once again, worried about that being too date like. Help is appreciated!

What should I do about this friend who has cut me off?

Butterflye1010 — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 08:28:18 -0800

What should I do about a friend who has apparently cut me off for no reason. We are both in our late 20's/early 30's. Meg and I have been friends for about 2 years. I met her through a mutual friend and we have been close since then. I've confided in her a lot about my past and she to me- we've been there for each other through failed relationships. We talk almost every day, sometimes just short chats on the computer about nothing in particular, other times, more meaningful conversations when we need to cry, vent, or just feeling anxious.

Meg doesn't come out and socialize very often, but we share a lot of mutual friends. We were going to hang out two weekends ago, but something came up (for me). I rarely cancel plans and I knew several of our mutual friends would see her, so I called her and left her a voicemail that I wasn't going to make it. I didn't think too much of it, because she has canceled on me numerous times. I never heard back. I texted to ask how a date went that she went on that same weekend and she never responded. I emailed her a couple days later to ask if everything was okay and never heard back, although I see her posting on FB and whatnot.

I know she does this- pushes people away, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I'm starting to wonder if she's the kind of person who likes to drop people and move to someone else. I'm just so hurt and angry that someone I considered a good friend could just cut me off- especially when she witnessed my sadness when my ex boyfriend, the one I considered the love of my life, did the same thing. I'm starting to even see similarities between her and my ex- passive aggressiveness, etc.

If I've upset her for some reason, I would hope that she cherished my friendship enough to call or message me and let me know, but that's not happening and it's been two weeks. Is this one of those things that I just have to accept, let go and move on? We are also supposed to be going on a trip together in a month that I've bought a plane ticket for. I feel very angry at her right now for being this way.

Even if she does try and reconnect, the sudden cut-off really hurts and I'm not sure I could trust her again.

Thanks for any advice.

How do I build a support system?

dinosaurprincess — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 08:03:39 -0800

Hey mefites, how did you build up your friendship group and support system? Hey mefi! Basically I got asked out recently and I sort of freaked out, and I realised I felt that way because I don't have a support system here in university!! I have friends and acquaintances that I might go out for coffee with, or people I can chat to about trivial things, but I don't have a go-to support system who I know that in the event I get my heart broken, will stick around to pick up the pieces... And I just realised how terrifying that was! I know how to talk to people and make friends, but I feel like the people who are in my support system I stumbled on during classes in school. I don't know how to build a solid support system in this weird unstructured university setting! Do you remember how you built yours? And how do I feel more emotionally safe in the meantime?

Friends, money and jealousy.

gadget_gal — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 09:48:03 -0800

I have a few new couple acquaintances that are on their way to becoming friends. Here's the trouble. As I get to know them more, i realize that there is a common thread about most of them. They are all quite pre-occupied with "how do i make more money" in life. I am ok with being driven etc. But the problem is with these friends there comes conversations that I don't like :Eg comparisons between friends, analysis on who is better off than them and who is not. I know they speculate about me as well (based on the - he gossips to you will gossip about you theory).

A few years ago, I had friends very similar to those that are popping back into my life now that talk about money so much. I have had these thoughts and conversations before. But since then, I changed my life dramatically, have since given myself freedom from being addicted to the goals of making money etc. I have transformed my life, lead a minimalistic life style. Have chosen to have fewer high quality friends than a large circle of friends i can't get to know as much as I'd like. I am now very happy than that former self. It feels like a deja vu. There is a real feeling of claustrophobia in me when people touch the money topic. Most of the times I feel like they are curious about me and my situation. How did i get to where I am. These are all nice people but very hungry for money, power, property etc. I am uncomfortable with those that spend so much time thinking about others rather than being pre-occupied with themselves. I am looking to add a few more meaningful local friends that I can hang with and be myself.

Q : Should I just keep on the path that works for me and accept that I cannot be comfortable and safe in forming a deep rooted friendship with these people. Or is this a practical thing that I just need to learn to ignore and continue getting to know them otherwise.

Advice on dealing with feelings of loneliness and paranoia

Recca — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 19:58:46 -0800

I'm having a hard time dealing with feelings of profound loneliness and paranoia about the states of friendships which in turn affect my dreams and my moods (being a vivid dreamer) and I don't like the affect it has on my happiness. Is there any good literature or advice that you can give to help me conquer these feelings and appreciate what I have in my friends or branch out to finding others? Any communication advice to being clear with friends and alleviating my paranoia without insulting them or sounding weird? I'm a 30 year old single male. I've grown up caught between introversion and extroversion. Many times I can't stand people, but at the same time crave attention and company. I'm caught in a sort of enigma. I typically rely on a very select few friends to help me feel happy in life. Unfortunately that often leads to being "needy" or "overly dependent" and then back to loneliness and then paranoia as to what have I done wrong or have friends moved on. I am on medication for Anxiety (Citalopram) but nothing else. I grew up with anger issues and had counselling when I was younger, but have since avoided seeing a psychiatrist for many reasons. I don't consider that an option. I have very odd trust issues, I know and work them. Basically I've always lived by "trust no one" because of always being burned but I inevitably end up deeply trusting those few people. This compounds into realizing I rely on so few people and feeling then lonely because I only have those few friends. Of course, this leads to paranoia as to where I stand with them at any given time... and the cycle goes on. I fight myself on it daily to avoid going from a fun friend to an annoying pest, but the loneliness and the affect on my mental state takes it toll. Advice, tips, literature or similar experience with results in changing it would be much appreciated!

Russian female bonding vs. American female bonding

akka — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 08:43:04 -0800

How do Russian female friendships differ from American female friendships? I'm doing some research on Russian female friendships, and found some anecdotal evidence that because Russian women vastly outnumber good Russian men, the race to try and attract a good mate has made Russian women extremely competitive. From those who know Russian culture -- is this true? How does competition impact female bonding? And is there a notion of "girlfriend bonding" or "sisterhood" that exists in American culture?

Anyone who has some knowledge of Russian culture and can answer this, it would be much appreciated!

Hooking Up with Friends - An Beginner's Primer

wolfdreams01 — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 13:46:56 -0800

I have a lot of female friends. Lately, a number of them have begun giving me romantic vibes. I have never dated a friend in my entire life - I have often become friends with people I dated, but never the other way around. How do I pursue this type of thing? (Snowflake details inside.) I should start by telling you that romantically, I'm generally as cold as ice. Usually when I date, I don't have any feelings at all for the other person for the first couple of weeks. After I have been sleeping with somebody for a month, I either start developing romantic feelings for them (and ask them to go exclusive) or realize that it just isn't working, and break up.

Obviously, this is not the kind of thing that tends to thrill women, so over time I've become pretty good at faking emotion until the real thing kicks in. I never actually lie or tell people something untrue: instead I simply do lots of nice things for them and steer away from direct questioning about my feelings. This is probably slightly dishonest, but I think people like me have as much right to be loved as anybody else, and that is the most effective way to make it happen. This methodology works really well for me, so please understand that without more efficient alternatives, I'm not interested in changing it.

As a direct consequence of the way my emotions work, I never date friends, because basically there is no way for me to feel romantic attraction without doing the FWB benefits thing first - and there is no guarantee that the feelings will even kick in. Therefore, hooking up with friends who would be crushed by a breakup is a good way to simply lose friends, and therefore not very productive.

However, I have several friends lately who have been showing signs of interest - and more significantly, these are friends whom I think might be level-headed enough that they wouldn't be crushed by if we had to break up. By "signs of interest" I mean things like:

A) Sleeping overnight (sharing my bed) regularly whenever we hang out late,
B) Asking me to teach them what BDSM is about (by tying them up and flogging them),
C) Topless back massages,
D) Expressing repeatedly that they have "never had a boyfriend as thoughtful and considerate" or "as sensual" as me,
E) Kissing me on the lips every time they get drunk, but pulling back quickly before I can respond.

Obviously, some of this is stuff that can be ambiguously interpreted, but other stuff seems like a strong statement of intent. I don't have any difficulty finding the courage to make a move on strangers when stuff like this happens, since strangers are totally replaceable and it doesn't really matter to me if I misinterpret something and offend them accidentally. With friends, the stakes are higher, since if I screw up while making a pass at them, it could really ruin the friendship - for example, I recently had a "kissy" friend call me up in tears and curse me out because I propositioned her for a FWB-type deal, and I guess she had romantic feelings for me instead. Negative experiences like that have made me over-analyze and generally become very hesitant to act when it comes to my friendships - I don't think I would ever make a move on a friend without having a strong certainty of success.

What I am looking for here is help with the following:

A) Distinguishing which signs of interest are friendly, which are sexual, and which are romantic (so that I know which to avoid and which to follow up on).

B) Determining the best way to follow up on these signs of interest. Please don't say "Ask them on a date." When I do that, they think I am interested in a romantic relationship, and (as mentioned) that does not end well. What I am looking for is ways to hook up with them with no strings attached, but with the possibility of turning it into a romantic relationship later.

I AM NOT YOUR OWL

divabat — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 10:35:25 -0800

I am tired of being the owl for my friends and family. How do I get them to talk to *each other* instead of *me*? So for many years now I end up being the owl between my friends: if my friends have some issue with another mutual friend, they both tell me about it - often with a wish that the other person would know. This has happened with ex-partners, current partners, friends warring with each other, friends who aren't warring with each other but think the other person hates them...all sorts of configurations.

My family is especially prone to this. If my parents have a beef with one of us sisters (there's two), they tell the *other* sister and then the relevant party doesn't hear of it till a long time later. Lately the parents are gossiping about each other to me.

One time this blow-up got to absurd proportions when some random distant auntie took offense to a photo I posted on Facebook...but instead of telling me, they told my parents (who hadn't seen the photo and got told an exaggerated version of what the photo actually is), who then bugged my sister, who then bugged me blaming *me* for pushing the photo onto the parents and causing everyone a headache. It took a lot of hunting and another distant relative to tell me the whole convoluted chain of events - which could have been resolved if someone had talked to *me* the first time.

Currently I am dealing with owling between two friends who are really into each other, *know* that the other party is interested...yet for some reason have not explicitly done anything about it. Instead they're way more explicit to *me* about their intentions, as though it's *me* they're trying to pick up. I've not-so-subtly hinted to each other that hey, Other Party IS keen, you have to be as explicit to them as you have to me - and they've both been like "oh noes they will think I am pressuring them etc etc". When really they are not feeling pressured, they are actually responding to each other's qualms and interests...without actually talking to *each other*.

It gets especially worse when there's an expectation to take sides. Oftentimes I hear multiple perspectives of a situation and *everyone* thinks they're 100% in the right and the other person must obviously be wrong. It's rare that there is someone who did clearly fuck up - and even then I see the fucker-upper try to make amends, but they're directing it more towards me than to the other person.

I'm honoured that they trust me enough to be honest with me about it, but I feel like a lot of anxiety would be relieved if they talked to the relevant person about it rather than me.

Is there any good way to go "I AM NOT AN OWL!" without alienating either party? I have been that direct with them before but they don't seem to listen. I don't want to go "you cannot talk to me EVAR" either, but a lot of it gets repetitive and frankly boring. (Sometimes they whine that nothing has changed ages later, and I'm like "well if you two talked to each other there would have been hope of something working out...") I'm at the verge of getting snarky with people, but honestly I'd rather they get mad at me if it means I can stop owling.

Romance with old friend

NorthCoastCafe — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 05:37:59 -0800

I've recently been through some major life changes and find myself feeling strong romantic feelings for an old friend, former co-worker. I fear acting on my feelings because I don't want to jeopardize our platonic friendship which, at my age (65) is precious. I worry that even talking about my change in feelings for this woman might ruin our friendship. I'm not certain that she has reciprocal feelings for me, although I think she might. We are very compatible in most regards, intellectually, shared interests and activities, etc. And the friendship just as it is is rare and cherished. Should I 'confess' and risk what we have, or accept it for what it is and look elsewhere for the intimacy I seek? As might be obvioius, I have limited experience in physical (sexual) and emotionally-close relationships.

How To Use this Big Change/Trip in My Life To Practise Social Skills/Build More Intimate Relationships?

rhythm_queen — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 12:21:41 -0800

I'm a 20 year old girl who has had little experience with real romantic relationships. I also have trouble with friendships---though I am super extroverted and can mix and mingle in parties with ease, creating sustainable friendships is very difficult for me. I'll be going on exchange in France for 5-6 months in January. I'd like to practise and build intimate friendships and romantic relationships (short-term, but meaningful!) when I'm there, and try to get a handle on WHY I usually have trouble. How can I do this? More deets inside. I've decided to include a link to my OKCupid (Yes....done the online dating thing for a while now...) to my question.
Here.

I think if you were to see my profile, you may get an idea of what sort of person I am, what my interests are, etc. I've met a lot of guys, mostly mediocre experiences (some have led to be good friends!)but no solid connections.

I have heard all my life that I am an overly "intense" person, too emotional, way too energetic and outgoing, almost exhausting to be around. I'm also really talkative and have a lot to say. I'm really expressive.

All of this can be very annoying to people, including potential dates, so I've worked on it. I've become a LOT better at sustaining conversation--though I know at times, especially when I am nervous, it's hard for others to get a word in edgewise (this is horrible to admit)--I've become better at listening, understanding the energy of the other person, become a lot less annoying/anxious, and have also started to realize that NOT everyone will like me/want to hear me out/hangout with me. I don't have to try and force everyone to like me, which I think is part of why I behave the way I do.

However, I still have a lot of difficulty. I've NEVER had a best friend. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances and I always end up meeting new people, but these friendships are on-the-surface and not intimate. What I crave is an intimate friendship. And hopefully, an intimate relationship. I don't know what is wrong with me, but a lot of people stay at the "good friends, but not BEST friends" zone. I feel as though most people can only take me in small doses. :(

I've had one real, serious boyfriend. I was 16, and he was great, but as you can imagine, I've changed a lot since then. And it was almost a fluke that I found someone who could handle my weirdness! Unless I change, not sure if it will happen again.

Often I will hang out with people, and it'll be fun, but I am left feeling empty--as if I have given so much of myself, and they haven't given me any at all. And also, that I overexerted myself/made a slight fool out of myself. It's very offputting.

I'll be going on exchange to Lille, France in January. I am very excited! Preparing to study/work/travel/socialize/everything in France is terribly exciting and I totally can't wait! Ahh, a taste of freedom. It feels like a clean slate : it'll also be an opportunity for me to break the "MEET LOTS OF PEOPLE, HANG OUT ONCE OR TWICE, MEET OTHER PEOPLE, HANG OUT ONCE OR TWICE" pattern I've been building up. I want to create a reputation that isn't "Yeah, she's cool/okay/fun" but also "she's a great friend", something more meaningful to people.

I know I probably shouldn't be dating with any real seriousness, but I want to try honing my dating skills. I have gone on a lot of first dates that have not worked out. I'm just so anxious and way too talkative and energetic on first dates. How do I calm myself? Should I keep an OKC profile in France? And in general, how can I tweak/better my profile/photos/etc? :) Lots of my friends have found relationships online, and I'm not embarrassed by my profile at all.

In short, how can I make this exchange trip to France one which will help to IMPROVE my social skills and help me build more intimate friendships/relationships? Do you have any other advice at all?

Thank you so much!

Thrown away

girlmightlive — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 05:16:30 -0800

My ex-lover and "best friend" blocked me on Facebook and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Of course this is about much more than Facebook.

Earlier this year I started sleeping with a friend of mine (We are both in our late twenties). We slept together for several months, hung out as friends, and became close, though we weren't exclusive.

Towards the end of summer a girl he had been interested in for a while broke up with her boyfriend and my friend decided he wanted to see her exclusively. I was, of course, disappointed that we were ending our sexual relationship and things were a bit awkward for awhile. I didn't know how to act around him. One day, when I knew I was going to see him later that night at a party, I wrote a card to him saying that I couldn't pretend I wasn't still attracted to him, but I didn't want to get in the way of his new relationship, that I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. He read it and he gave me a big hug and things seemed good between us.

But things weren't good with his new girlfriend. He would call me, text me, and come over to my apartment to ask advice on how to deal with their issues. I would give him my best advice, and he would thank me enthusiastically. He would say he couldn't confide in her the way he could with me, that I didn't judge him, that he loved me and I was his best friend.

He told me he told his new girlfriend about our relationship. He also told me that she found the card I wrote him and got upset about me.

One night he texted me about the three of us hanging out. I responded but he never responded back. Later he told me that that's because his girlfriend got mad at him for texting me.

His girlfriend is working overseas for a couple months. My friend and I hung out one night and he said he didn't trust her and thought he should break up with her. Again, I gave him my best advice. Later that night we had sex. I told him it wasn't a good idea but we did it anyway.

One evening I was hanging out with him and two mutual friends. Someone, not me, brought it up that I was feeling jerked around and confused by him. My friend demanded we talk about this even though I told him it was not the time or place (we were in public and had been drinking). He said he made a huge mistake sleeping with me that last time and that he loved his girlfriend. Eventually, I told him that I was worried that when his girlfriend came back to town I wouldn't see him anymore, that we wouldn't be friends. He promised me that we would still be friends. He told me he would break up with his girlfriend if he could no longer be friends with me.

Things got teary and awkward, but when we parted that night I thought we were on decent terms and could possibly revisit things when we were in a better, sober state of mind. I still wanted to tell him that if he wanted to actually be friends he needed to treat me better, match his actions with his words, and figured we could have that conversation another day.

The next day, he blocked me on Facebook.

I realize that he probably just doesn't want to deal with it anymore, but not knowing for sure is driving me crazy. I want to contact him but I know that's not a good idea. We have lots of mutual friends and live two blocks away from each other. (I hang out with his roommate as well, who refuses to talk to me about any of this.) I'm worried about how to act if we run into each other. I wonder every day if I'm going to hear from him. I go from being extremely pissed off at him to missing him.

I'm trying to keep busy and exercise, but I would like some perspective on how to deal with the uncertainty of everything, or things I should be telling myself. He's treated me like a used tissue, I know that, but it's still hard. Thanks for any advice you can give.

Alone after an obsessive relationship, having trouble making friends in a sea of the elderly...

orchidgenes — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 10:40:21 -0800

How do I make friends in an unfriendly place for young folks (18-20), and how can I make him believe that I've made changes to myself? I have a very obsessive brain, especially when it comes to love. Even before I started dating my (now ex) boyfriend, I was obsessed with love stories and fantasizing about love. I think this might be a good thing somewhere along the line, since I'm hoping to be a writer later in life. Now, however, it's a giant issue.

My boyfriend broke up for me for this reason (though he just said "i don't want to be in a relationship in general", which I don't quite believe after knowing him for 3 years, because I could tell he didn't want me to think I was the cause). I'm a freshman in college, and he's a sophomore. He kept all his friends from high school since they all stayed in our hometown. We both go to the same school, a community college. I'm transferring to a larger college next year, but for now... I'm in hell.

In this quite obsessive relationship, I let him in completely and didn't get close to anyone else for most of my high school years. I kept one friend, who resides about 200 miles away now. This particular community college we go to is full of single parents and people too busy working to make friends. My ex doesn't realize this, since all his friends are from high school, where everyone is out to make friends.

I've been trying extremely hard these past couple months to make strides and gain friendships from my classes, but nobody is really interested and it's discouraging. I feel like I have nothing to do. I tried looking for meet-ups, but I live in Florida. This is an issue.

As everyone knows, Florida is a retirement home. Especially where I live, close to beaches, there are more bored old people looking for fun. I don't mind older people, but they're not what I'm looking for, friend-wise. I'm so frustrated because I feel like I can't move forward because all my options are closed off to me.

Also, while I'm here, I'd like to ask you all for your advice on one more thing. I've been making huge improvements to myself in terms of independence and self-worth. I really believe I'm a different person than who was in that relationship, and I think if I were to be back in it, the relationship could really flourish. However, there's no way for me to tell my ex this.

I was completely clingy and afraid of him leaving while I was in the relationship, and right after the breakup I did a lot of begging. This hurts my chances of him taking me seriously when I tell him that I have truly changed. I feel stronger now, I've taken a rational look at our situation, and my opinions on what makes a successful relationship have changed drastically, especially regarding independence. I'm currently in therapy for my issues with my anxious and obsessive tendencies and I'm getting stronger every day.

I really would like to talk to him about it, but I don't know how to do this without him automatically thinking "she's lying and trying to get me back because she needs me."

Our relationship was really a good one, and if I picture it without my constant jealousy and anxiety, it could honestly be wonderful. I just need some way to convince him that I'm not lying and that I can really make some important changes if he gave me the chance to.

So, what do you think? How to make friends in an unfriendly place for young folks (18-20), and how to make him believe that I've made changes to myself...?

A little something to make me sweeter.

Nomyte — Sun, 24 Jun 2012 11:29:21 -0800

My social relationships start out as acquaintance with classmates, coworkers, and roommates. Then they progress to casual friendships, in which I hang out in bars and do small favors (help carry stuff, give rides). Then they stagnate or die. I have little in the way of family, so "chosen family" is an ideal that appeals to me a lot. Sadly, I have no one like that and things aren't moving in that direction at all. I'm in my late 20s and for most of my life I've been shy and rather lonely. I work to overcome my shyness and do my best to be an active listener and participant. I avoid bold opinions and dislike snarky chatter. There are things I care about, but I admit they're obscure: " ‘Enh, what're you listening to lately?’ ‘Oh, that Wendy Carlos album. It's pretty cool!’ " I am more of a doer than a talker, but I do like to talk one on one or in small groups. I am a helper and a fixer, within reason. I am not particularly reserved about myself and do the best I can to express interest in others and be considerate about their feelings.

I seem to provoke angry, irritated, or dismissive reactions from some people. I'll inadvertently say something wrong, like "I like Final Fantasy 8" or "I'm not actually a big fan of Wes Anderson," and cause consternation. I am, seldom but regularly, told I am difficult, "ornery," unapproachable, "a robot," etc. Acquaintances have pointedly told me that they've become better friends with others who they met after me. Sometimes I'm talked down to in ways that are very transparently designed to manage my reaction, like a doctor delivering bad news or a teacher trying to talk down an obstreperous student: "Even very smart people sometimes blah blah blah…"

I don't really have any "old college buddies" or "friends since grade school." Once I move on (new job, new address, etc.), my friends rarely look me up. I reach out a couple of times and then let them show interest in staying in touch. After one-two email exchanges or canceled arrangements we lose contact. Probably my longest-lasting friendships have all been online. Someone I first chatted with almost ten years ago regularly keeps in touch with me via a private message board. I really appreciate that.

I know that I don't thrive on socializing, but I miss the caring, mutual growth, understanding, guidance, and the support network that close friends can provide. I grew up with a steady litany of "why do you have so few friends," "why don't the other children like you," and "what's wrong with you," so there is also an element of moving on from childhood disappointments and proving to myself that I can have the life I want to live.

How can I improve opportunities to develop more lasting and meaningful friendships? I've checked Meetup periodically and appealing choices near me are very few, as are IRL meetups. I'm queer and single. I have no interest in spirituality, sports, or campaigning on behalf of candidates for office. I live near a large East Coast city.

True friendship sometimes means letting go

renovatio1 — Sun, 27 May 2012 20:02:41 -0800

Tell me about situations where you've reluctantly cut off contact with a close friend, family member, or confidant -- especially those in which the relationship was good to you but you felt that letting go was the best move for *their* sake. I once read something along the lines: "a true friendship sometimes requires letting your friend hit rock bottom".

When is this ever truly the case? Do you have any anecdotes of this from your own experience or that you've heard about in the context of close friends, family, or other significant relationships? How did you feel about it at the time and what happened in the long run?

...

My own story: I have a very close friend who has been my one real confidant for many years. I've learned a lot from him, we've helped each other through thick and thin, and I very much value his friendship and wish him only the best.

However, we both agree that he's made some very stupid choices in recent years whose consequences he will have to face sooner or later. He's been trying to deal with the situation for quite a while now; I've done just about everything I can to help short of getting involved in a way that would place those consequences on me as well -- something he of course would not want.

His main problem seems to be that he leans on his friends as a way of avoiding the actions that he inevitably must take. He knows this, and we've discussed it at length, but nothing so far tried seems to help him get past the problem.

I've thought a great deal about the situation and I've come to the conclusion that the best thing I can do for him is cut off all interaction -- at least for as long as it takes him to really get past this difficulty. It was very hard for me to make this decision; I even discussed it with him well in advance and he agreed that it would probably be a good thing. Nonetheless, I can't stop thinking that in the long run -- even if, hopefully, things work out -- he will see this in retrospect as my having betrayed him.

Old feuds, new friends, ultimatums and a sticky social situation. How do I navigate this stupid fight that precedes me?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 May 2012 12:00:18 -0800

Old feuds, new friends, ultimatums and a sticky social situation. How do I navigate this stupid fight that precedes me? Asking anonymously so as not to further fan the flames.

Friend A and Friend B have a long-standing, convoluted feud involving multiple groups of people (Friend A's side and Friend B's side) that is so old and convoluted that it no longer makes sense. I don't even really know the root of the feud - whatever is was happened years before I knew any of these people.

Friend A is a pretty close acquaintance — we hang out as a pair of couples, having dinner, sharing beer, doing outdoorsy type things, pretty regularly. Friend B is someone I barely know but have spent time with socially. Both A and B are about 10 years older than me.

My SO and I made loose plans with A for an upcoming weekend. My exact wording was "we may be going out of town but if we don't, let's do this." It turns out we ARE going out of town. To spend time at B's property. I told this to Friend A yesterday afternoon.

Last night I got an email from A asking me to reconsider, adding that my decision to go to B's would be a"bridge-burner." A is not the kind of person who apologizes, admits wrongdoing or backs down from an opinion.

So WTF am I supposed to do here? Allow myself to be bullied into spending time with A? I am also friends with A's SO and would be sad to lose both friendships, but I just can't believe grown adults are letting this bullshit get in the way of perfectly good relationships. On the other hand, I am not great friends with B. Uhg. I am so confused by this stupidity.

Make friends, get benefits

stravinsky — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:28:24 -0800

What types of friends come with unique benefits? While I appreciate all of the friendships I've developed over the years, I've noticed that a small number of them have come with unexpected benefits. Some friends have brought remarkable things to my life that I'd never have seen if I hadn't gotten to know them in the first place.

For reasons that are probably pretty selfish, I'm curious about the types of friends that have provided you with some unique benefits over the course of your friendship. I realize that all good friendships are mutually beneficial, and my ultimate goal isn't to take advantage of anyone. Rather, I'd like to seek out and make friends with people who are simply good friends to have. I want to build relationships where both sides have something special to offer.

I'm thinking of friends like the extroverted wingman, the drug connection, or the buddy in a foreign country who's eager to have you visit. The typical "friends with benefits" relationship is another great example. Any ideas are relevant, no matter how strange or specific.

Birthday blues - am I being unreasonable?

dubious_dude — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 05:03:29 -0800

Birthday blues - issues with a specific friend. Am I being unreasonable? Here goes. Today's my birthday - happy birthday to me! I wish I could be looking forward to it, but unfortunately, at this moment, my thoughts are being derailed by a specific friend of mine. Hence, the need to greet the green ;)

It's a complicated friendship, so I'm going to try and simplify things. This friend of mine (let's call her Amber) has been my friend since we first met at college. Amber's a very sweet person, easy to talk to, and incredibly fun to hang out with (when we do hang out). That's why I haven't written her off yet, but I'm just at my wit's end. Time spent trying to talk to her has not succeeded. To further complicate this situation, Amber is a survivor of domestic violence (relationship), and still is struggling with her own issues. I was one of the friends who was there for her during that rough patch of her life.

She's currently a senior in her last semester of school. From time to time, she asks me for help with her grammar (on her papers), and sometimes I type some paragraphs/sentences while she signs the words to me (we're both Deaf) and I type them for her. She's smart, but she struggles with writing from time to time. I know "doing her paper" is wrong, but I do it from time to time, and have been doing it for approximately two years. Last December, she took me to an Italian restaurant to return all the favors, which was sufficient for me.

Over the past years, a few friends told me some things that Amber told them about me (saying things like I'm annoying, she's sick of some traits, etc.), and I have confronted Amber about this, and we were able to solve the issues every time.

However, there's a big thing about our friendship that's bothering me. I feel like I'm doing all the work here. Yes, Amber texts me pretty much on a daily basis, we see each other from time to time, and I incredibly enjoy her company--and she seems to enjoy mine too. However, she can come across as somewhat cold, especially on text (not seeming to want to get together; not responding to texts when I ask if she can meet up), and just generally seems aloof. She's very busy those days, however, with her sorority, internship, job, school, and so forth, so I understand that and try not to feel hurt if she ignores me.

Last year, for my birthday, she was unable to spend my birthday day with me, due to doing homework or some sort (can't recall the details) so we agreed to have a dinner outgoing the following Friday (along with some other friends). Wednesday rolled around, we saw each other in person, Amber said Friday was definitely on. Friday struck, my friends and I ended up waiting for Amber to come to the shuttle stop for fifteen minutes. She finally texted me saying, "oh, the rain ruined my mood and I don't feel well." It was completely last minute, with no advance notice. She did not offer to make up in any way. I felt very hurt about this, but decided to put it aside and enjoy my dinner with the friends who went with me. I talked it over with Amber afterwards, and she was a bit defensive. We agreed to have pizza on Monday, and I brought the pizza (baked it), cake, and we ended up having a short celebration, but she was in a hurry. It wasn't the best birthday, and to this day, it still eats at me.

This year, for my birthday, last week, I asked Amber if we could do Starbuck's for a while on my birthday, then dinner the following Friday (as it's a Tuesday birthday, I certainly understand my friends are all busy with school). Sounded good to her, and she said she would let me know about coffee. Last night, at an event at the college, I asked her if coffee was on and if she wanted to join me and other friends (hopefully) to dinner on my birthday day (tonight). She said no, she had a lot of homework to do. When asked if Friday was still on, she hesitated for a split second (I could see it in her eyes) then said, yes, it's still on. I felt like she was acting very aloof and somewhat cold - no apology, no empathy, whatever. It was a bad day for her (not that it's an excuse), and was for me as well, so I may have taken her reaction the wrong way, but it still rubbed me the wrong way - I felt like she wasn't even showing any apology or not acknowledging that my birthday is important to me, and that I really wanted to see her. She did say I could stop by at her house for a few minutes later after my dinner with friends, though, so that may be a compromise. Who knows if she'll even stick to that; she can be flaky. It hurt because I spent so much time helping her with her papers; I even stayed up until 2am helping her with her take-home test, because she was incredibly stressed with Greek Week, and was struggling with the content of the exam, and I wanted to help her feel better. I feel like I have given all that time and dedication and care, and she can't even be there on my special day. Am I being unreasonable?

It still really is bothering me and churning at my gut. Last semester, her partner invited me to her surprise dinner, and she also invited me to her birthday day dinner. I feel it's a bit unfair that I celebrated her birthday twice, but she doesn't seem to be making any effort to celebrate my birthday. I get that Tuesday may be the wrong timing, but I am just not feeling any commitment or caring on her end. I know if I tell her how I feel, she will become defensive, try to invalidate my feelings (something along the lines of: don't feel hurt/don't take it personally/I'm just really busy/it's a rough semester for me), and she will also view me as over sensitive. I have made some mistakes myself in the friendship, and have sometimes been a bit needy. I'm trying to improve, and many say I have improved over the years.

So. This was really long-winded, I know... if you've made it to this point, kudos :) It's a bit hard for me at this point because: a) I don't have many other friends, so she's really important and valuable to me, for many reasons; b) the Deaf community is so small, and it's hard to branch out and make new friends; and c) again, I really value her friendship. I've had lingering feelings she was just using me (with papers), but she has emphasized repeatedly that she wasn't using me.

I know MetaFilter isn't necessarily somewhere I can expect advice or help with 'soap opera' friendships, but in this situation, I just can't think straight anymore. It's wearing me out, all the waffling on her end, and mixed signals, and failed attempts to work it out. I don't know if it's me, if I'm being unreasonable/holding high expectations, or if it's just her, or whatever. Cooler heads prevail better, and I've seen plenty of good advice here on the Green :) I love Amber as a friend deeply, but I'm starting to wonder where this is going.

Any insight for this birthday boy would be much appreciated. Yep, happy 26th to me.

don't call me (for a while), I'll call you (eventually)

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:58:19 -0800

What are some socially acceptable ways to "drop out" socially for 6 months or so? Right now my family is going through a very difficult time. It's nothing secretive, close friends and family are aware and supportive, and we're getting the help we need personally and professionally, individually and collectively. However, we have only lived in our city a few years and so our social lives here are rather superficial. I don't feel like going to parties, shows, happy hours, etc. and I would like to bow out of social events while we get through this. I'm not a reach-out-to-others kind of person, I'm more of a cocoon-type of person, and I want to come home from work and nurture myself as much as possible through solitude (not loneliness, solitude), cooking, exercising, reading, and being quiet. I am introverted as it is, and the situation is using up all of my emotional resources.

If I were traveling around the world for 6 months people would say "cool, see you when you get back!" If I were studying for the bar people would say "cool, call us when you need a break!" But if I say "we're going through a difficult time and don't want to socialize for 6 months" then the responses will range from pity to avoidance.

If I don't say anything but just turn down invites (this is what I've been doing for a while) then the invites will drop off and my new social scene will evaporate. I like the people I've started to befriend but they're not "friends" yet and my intimate personal details don't have a place in those relationships. These are just nice, friendly acquaintances I've shared some good times with and networked a bit with work-wise.

So what can I say that will stop the invites for a while without introducing drama and that will give me an opportunity to pick up where we left off in 6 months or so?

Hopefully I have given enough info that you guys can run with this question a bit. Anon because my partner is on mefi (we are struggling too, which makes socializing stressful ... do you pretend it's all ok? do you go out separately and then explain absences all the time?..etc.) and my kids read it. A few details: we are middle-aged, kids in high school, not churchy, and in this town for just a few years. It's not a small-town, but it's a small enough place that once your drama is known, it's known.

Connect the dots (or, people..)

myShanon — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 11:31:09 -0800

How do you connect with people? How do you reach out to someone you're interested in getting to know better to let them know you're interested in them as a person (with or without romantic potential). I suffer from a bit of social anxiety and shyness so I tend to feel extremely awkward in approaching opportunities for one-on-one interaction. I've spent the last 15 years or so wandering my way through a series of ready-made social circles. Stepping into a new partner's group of friends, walking into a gaming group or local alternative community, etc. I've relied on those groups to provide me with acquaintances which might develop into friendships. I move around a lot, so this has been the easiest, most efficient way to meet lots of people in new cities. The problem is, group dynamics tend to be about the group, its particular cliques and internal dramas...

It doesn't always lend to individual one-on-one interactions, and actually connecting with another member of the group is more the matter of luck than anything else.

Most of my friendships are superficial, people who I see in group settings and get along with, but rarely talk to as individuals unless they need something from me. I tend to become the advice column / sounding board for those who need to talk, but never have anyone to turn to when I need someone.

When I move away, even those who cling and cry about my leaving quickly stop responding to my attempts to keep in touch, and going back to visit is like walking in as a stranger again. They've already forgotten me, or enmities have popped up somehow in my absence.

This carries over into my relationships, as I tend to be a very ah... impulsive type of person, diving head first into new relationships because I don't want to lose the heat and passion of infatuation. Becoming intimate so quickly usually bypasses a lot of the "getting to know you" stuff... and later when passion begins to settle, I find myself trapped with someone I barely know and don't know how to talk to. The relationship quickly disintegrates as they feel bitter over my "sudden" desire for communication instead of intimacy.

I've followed the same pattern so many times I could walk this maze backward with my eyes shut and still end up at the same destination as always.

In 6 months or so I'm moving out of state, to a place where I don't know anyone. I'm fantasizing about this being a real chance to start over, break pattern and re-lean how to interact with people on an individual basic. Maybe even learn to connect and develop meaningful friendships/relationships... and if that also leads to future romantic relationships being more about what we have in common than how we get on in the bedroom, that'd be awesome too.

My current plan involves taking my puppy for lots of long walks, reading a lot of books, taking plenty of time for self examination to see where I can improve. I want to take the opportunity for a complete change toward the better, leaving most of my self destructive habits behind. I'll read in the park and talk to anyone who strikes up a conversation... avoid the party and bar scene and other situations that will lead me back to the same type of people who have encouraged my bad habits in the past...

I've got the "bettering myself" plan worked out..

I still have no clue how to actually connect with people, or meet people without relying on some kind of social group... I'm not looking to date so would prefer not to involve dating sites and such. I know I can just walk up to interesting looking people and say hello, but... what to say or how to not seem creepy?

Or I could just ramble at people in real life the way I do online, and if they think its cute maybe they won't run away :)

Should I be mad at my roommate because she disturbed my sleep?

sunrisecoffee — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:26:37 -0800

Do I have a right to be bothered by my roommate watching TV in our living room? I share a two bedroom apt with a roommate who is a pretty close friend. Last night (Friday), she came home with her boyfriend at 11:30 and they proceeded to start watching a movie. They were both talking loudly and I heard her express surprise some minutes later when they realized I was home. They kept watching the movie though, knowing I had an important party with my future in-laws the next day and needed sleep. I think they should have stopped watching the movie when they realized I was home and about to go to bed. The boyfriend even tried to say hi to me in my room, even though it was just after midnight and he should have known I was about to go to bed.

Do I have a right to be upset? Should I confront my roommate about this? Is it OK for her to watch a movie in the living room so late at night?

Typical mid-20's crap.

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 21:14:03 -0800

I feel unbelievably shitty after a close friend hurt my feelings. I don't know what to do. I'm a guy, friend is a girl. We've been friends for over a decade. We've slept together twice. The first time, a few months ago, she expressed wanting to just stay friends because she had just gotten out of a serious relationship. The second time, about 3 weeks ago - initiated completely by her - we did not discuss afterward because it ended very embarrassingly and neither of us wanted to talk about it. Both of these times were after a drunken night out.

Cut to a few nights ago. She invited me to a drunken night out. I stupidly set expectations that, with this recent development of hooking up on drunken nights out, and activities that took place only a few weeks ago, I had a shot.

She began heavily flirting with another person in our group who was unavailable (had a girlfriend). It became painful for me to watch after their flirting turned very physical. My jealousy boiled over and I pulled her aside and asked her "are you seriously doing this?" She told me to leave her alone. I told her then I'm going home, that she can do whatever she wants but I don't need to see this. She told me to calm down, that he has a girlfriend and I'm overreacting and need to stop worrying. I stayed out. She proceeded to go back to him, make out, went home with him, etc. Basically I was just in her way cock-blocking her.

It feels so awful and I'm not quite sure what to do. The only thing she technically did "wrong" I suppose was facilitate this guy cheating on his girlfriend. But every other bit of hurt that I feel seems to have been brought on by myself, by a lack of communicating to her how I really felt.

I guess I feel angry that by expressing my jealousy to her that night I was, essentially, letting her know my feelings (no matter how bad the timing) - and she lied to reassure me so she could continue what she was doing anyway. I also feel extremely rejected and unwanted that she was SO uninterested in going home with me that she'd rather go with a guy who was not even available. On top of that, I feel hurt by how callous she was about going about all of this right in front of me, even though one of the last times we saw each other was extremely intimate.

I just don't know what to do. How angry do I get to be? Part of me wants to just stop talking to her because I just can't face someone who made me hurt this much. Is it wrong to feel this way? How am I supposed to continue staying friends with someone who made me feel this hurt?

I have no idea how to summarize this.

Conspire — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 19:19:13 -0800

Help me interpret my situation and figure out the practical implications of the social advice/philosophies that my friends have been giving me about it. (Warning: a super long and arguably dramatic story awaits you.) So for the past year, I have been feeling rather dissatisfied with my social interactions with others. Entering a university right across the country for the first time last year (I'm now in second year), I had some fairly high expectations of the connections that I would be able to make. I was told that universities were chock-full of intelligent people who would share your interests; that the friendships that you made during university would be life-long, some of the strongest ones you would ever have; that you would be able to meet people who fully enjoyed and accepted you for who you were. You know. All of the typical "university is a great place to build connections" repertoire from older friends and family.

Sparkly-eyed by all of the idealistic talk, I made a commitment to myself to step up my efforts to get to know people - a pretty big leap for me, someone who had, l throughout the earlier stages of my academic procession, very rarely shown any interest in others at all! This aspect of me was actually pretty severe: to the point that some of my teachers even suspected that I was autistic and shuttled me off to a psychologist to get tested in grade 7. (If you're curious: the psychologist did eventually diagnose me with Asperger's Syndrome, but I never paid much heed to it simply because even at a younger age, I was still highly conscious of the absurdity of the testing. One of the memories I still have of the testing was a question where the therapist asked me to pick two objects out of a list that were the most similar - although I knew the "correct" answer would be "Fish and Fin", I chose "Fish and Spider" because I thought it would be more reasonable on a taxonomical classification since I was dealing with someone with a PhD. The psychologist simply shook his head disapprovingly, muttered to himself as he scrawled down notes on his pad, and I had to purse my lips to avoid giving a snarky comment on how patronizing he was being. Even now, while I reflect back on it: while certain aspects of the diagnosis do ring true, other aspects do not. The diagnosis has always struck me as a form of therapeutic cold-reading: by presenting itself as an array of symptoms that could be considered as personality traits, it offers reassurance to those feeling out of the norm. Consequentially, I've always had a disdain for it. But I digress.)

To me - or at least the me who was starting university - I always thought that my lack of social interest wasn't as much caused by ineptitude as it had been just a lack of resonance between myself and others. My interests never matched up with any of my schoolmates or peers when I was younger; and beyond that, I had a pretty bad habit of looking down on them as well. I was always extremely goal-orientated, something that still persists to today. Part of the reason why would have been due to my severe hearing loss: while I could certainly still communicate verbally with others with no problem, to do so would require a tremendous concentration on my behalf since I would have to drop everything and focus 100% on the person in order to speechread them properly. As a result, all throughout my earlier schooling life, I always regarded casual interaction as too much of a hassle for too little payout. (Of course, this philosophy has changed much in the past year as I increasingly begin to realize the emotive and mental benefits of socialization and making friends that I had never considered in the past.)

But when I needed to put in the effort to engage people (mostly because I needed them for whatever grand scheme I had going on at that point in life), I would have no problem whatsoever. Many would certainly describe me as overwhelmingly charismatic when I put in the effort to be (again, something that persists today - I have an extreme degree of success as a student politician in thanks to this trait of mines), and I never had any trouble in amassing hordes of people around me to do whatever I wanted to do. I remember running around my elementary school and amassing several hundred signatures from practically every kid in a petition to "end homework" in grade 6. And in high school, I shocked many by raising nearly a thousand dollars for a charity simply by going to the forefront of each class and delivering a smooth salespitch - while other clubs would struggle to raise even a hundred dollars by doing the exact same thing.

And my routine seemingly worked, or at least for the opening throes of university. In particular, I exercised it on my floor in residence last year. Everyone was seemingly caught up in my wave of charisma. I had developed numerous connections and made my acquaintance with a great array of people. I certainly gave damned good first impressions, if anything. But before I could sit down and pat myself on the back for a job well done, I realized that things felt horribly wrong.

While it was hard for me to completely elucidate and express the feelings of wrongness that I had, the physical effects seemed fairly noticeable to me. Everyone's relationships were advancing so fast without me; while they were achieving what seemed like whole new heights of complexity amongst themselves, my relationships with them continued to remain fairly shallow. To give you an example, by November, everyone had already chosen their roommates for next year - and I was just sitting there, boggered by how fast they got to knew each other to make that decision (naturally, I'm living alone off-campus right now.) I was constantly being overlooked - while everyone was running about with each other and inviting everyone else everywhere, I would just sit in my room daily, door propped open, but no one peering inside to engage me in plans at all. And while I was reassured by my suite-mate that it was simply my imagination - occasionally, when I passed groups of my floormates walking by, I would swear that I could see my name being spoken in a malicious light on their lips. Of course, it was absurd - I had done nothing to make them dislike me, and they were still very openly affable to me, but it contributed to my feeling of ostracization.

If I were to put a word upon it now after significant reflection, I would say that I lacked any feeling of community or comradeship with my so-called "friends".

Naturally, I had many very plainspoken conversations with my floor-mates about this issue. They were all very surprised that I was feeling this way. And while they reassured me that it was nothing malicious and that everyone loved me very dearly, the situation simply wouldn't reverse itself. I got the feeling that what was occurring was just something no one could consciously control. Before long, I began isolating myself out of frustration and an acute depression; while at the start of this, people would pound on my door to inquire what was wrong, eventually, they just all left me alone. Eventually, word got to my ears through my suite-mate that the majority of my floor had concluded that I was simply being immature and in my "angsty teen" stage that "everyone went through when they were 13" and that they felt the best solution was just to leave me alone like the spoiled kid I was. I was furious! I felt as if they were being too presumptuous in judging the situation without even comprehending what my true concerns were; and I felt like I was being patronized by them. But I chose to say nothing more to them, being too tired and miserable to want to make them understand.

Those feelings hung over me like a dark cloud throughout the entire year, keeping me in a constant state of melancholy while I was inside the residence (outside of residence was a different issue: even I was unnerved by the stark contrast just caused by locale - I was still pursuing a highly successful platform on student council and overachieving in all my classes). While I tried a few more times to reconnect to my peers under the faint hope that I had erred in my judgment, those feelings of depression paired with (from my point of view) the numerous misconceptions that were hovering all about quickly shut me down.

I'm glad to be out of that situation.

If anything, it left me very hopeless and exhausted about people for a great deal of time. I rationalized to myself that I had been too overconfident in my assessment of myself. I didn't know what was going wrong with my interactions with others, but I attributed it to a lack of experience: because I had avoided friendships when I was younger, I had missed something fundamental, something unspoken. And it terrified me because of the great time stretch it represented. I had unknowingly developed a social stunt that tailed all the way back to elementary school. And here I was, with everyone but me on the same page and continuously progressing in their maturity, with myself stuck all the way at the back. While I was at no loss for casual company at my university (I still had plenty of acquaintances outside of the residence from my classes and extracurricular involvement), I reasoned to myself that because of my ineptitude, I would never be able to develop any true emotional ties with people. That scared me.

But that hopelessness eventually did wind to a halt, and despite my rational objections to it, I've found myself beginning to reach out to others at the beginning of the year again. It was so frustrating. I wished nothing more but to return to my old, self-sufficient personality; and yet, I found myself increasingly wanting to be connected to others. Deeply irritated at my irrationality, but still recognizing that there was nothing that I could do to quench these feelings, I found myself in a juxtaposition of hopefulness at a second fresh start, and despair that I would make the same mistakes again.

I decided the best option would be to confer with two life-long friends in other cities I've had to see what their recommendations were.

One was vastly different from me; she was a girl with an extreme number of connections, highly affable and involved socially, having grown up in a way that I considered "normal" for everyone else - had she not have been the daughter of a family friend of mine's, I would have never had any connections with her, but now, I'm grateful that I remained tied to her, if only out of obligation; I ended up visiting her in her city on a three-day weekend that I had to talk over these things with her, and we had a blast where she introduced me to all of her friends and just had a generally good time. Another, in the States, was fairly similar to me in circumstance and nature, and he described having similar thoughts and problems when I contacted online for one of our routine chats. I gave both an (abridged) rendition of my first year, and asked them for their take on it.

Surprisingly, both gave me very extremely similar themes as to why my social life in university hadn't worked out the way that I wanted it to. They gave me very similar assessments of how I differed from others, and explained why I wasn't getting gratification through the same avenues.

For one, both pointed to how I would squeeze every drop of use out of every conversation that I would have. Both told me that for every single conversation they would have with me, it wouldn't be as much as just "juggling words" like they did with other people (pleasantries, like my first friend described it), but more like keeping up with me (this was the part where I frantically asked my first friend if she felt like I was acting superior to others, but she reassured me that she never felt that way because I was always very patient and willing to wait and listen to other formulate their thoughts). They told me that typical conversations were just empty words - and mine's never were. While they could be serious or casual or fun or philosophical, they would always make people think. I would constantly respond with an opinion, an assessment, just something that would keep it going on a higher level. And both told me that while some people enjoyed that aspect of me (they certainly did, having been friends with me for so long), most people didn't. My second friend cynically told me that most people were selfish, and wished to maintain relationships without much effort on their behalf at all, mental or otherwise.

My first friend also told me that most people preferred to be around people just because they didn't want to be alone, and that wouldn't ever apply to me. She said that for someone as goal-orientated as myself, I would never bother just "hanging out" with people, and she said that was the majority of what most people would do in a friendship - just sitting around and exchanging idle conversation and enjoying not being alone. For someone who always wanted constant movement, I wouldn't be content in a point of perceived stasis - and she told me that was the reason why people wouldn't become as "comfortable" with me as with others.

Beyond that, I think the overarching theme that they had for me was that I was greatly over-exaggerating the depth of relationships that other people had with each other. In spite of all of their perceived closeness from an outside perspective, they were extremely fragile and just based upon mutual selfishness rather than emotional connection like I had assumed. And for someone like me, who wanted to not only constantly receive, but constantly give, that avenue just wouldn't work out. I needed more time and depth for people to get to know me because I just wasn't conventional enough of a person to be subjugated to the typical methods.

While I thanked them for their take on it, I couldn't help but feel that perhaps the way they were seeing it was just highly biased because they knew me so well and we had been friends for so long. In fact: their answers frustrated me just a little bit. I had wished it to be an issue with myself, not with others, because in that case, I could work at changing myself. But rather, the way they painted it was an issue with other people, not with me - something that I couldn't do anything about. And while I was grateful for their assessments of me, because I found them rather flattering, to be honest, I felt annoyed. Somehow, I just wanted to be like everyone else in spite of the shallowness that they were speaking of. Even now, I worry if I'm socially stunting myself by not participating in the party scene and inebriating myself and hooking up with the most proximate person like everyone else, as weird as that might sound. But the way that they were portraying me answered to why I would never be at ease in those situations. Those situations, as my friends explained it, were just casual meet and greet events where you were being with others under the pretense of being social, but not really being social due to the loud music, darkness and expectation that you just drift from person to person every minute. They were the "feel good" things that I detested but others loved. They do have a point, I suppose.

I'm not debunking my friends' assessments as completely untruthful, but I'm wondering if perhaps there are other sides to this that I'm missing. And while their answers were very reassuring, they don't give me much to work with. While I certainly do converse with them on a certain level, my current interactions at my own university town are now completely static - engaging in the pleasantries that I despise so much, without any idea of how I can elevate the depth of those interactions to the level at which I would like them to be at. And while they tell me to just give it time, I'm not entirely sure if that's the answer. What is the trigger?

To be perfectly clear, while I encourage you to throw out whatever thoughts you might have on this issue (since it's quite long and complex), I'm looking for some answers just as a starting point:

- Do my friends have a point? Do you observe most "typical" social interactions to be as they described? Would you describe this as a post-secondary student phenomena, or is it more universal throughout life?

- Given that I found that my friends were particularly insistent that I had no fault other than being bestowed with my existing personality in my circumstances, that seems unrealistic to me. Can you pinpoint anywhere my story where you might find that I might be at issue?

- Is there any way for me to escalate my current, extremely shallow relationships to what I actually consider as friendships?

Also, to be very clear: I'm not looking for the usual conventional answers of "get more involved in extracurricular events" (I have enough on my plate, and I have enough acquaintances to work with; it's just the escalation that's an issue), "find common interests" (interests seem like a very poor starting point for me; my friends share very few interests with me, and I can't pinpoint any commonalities other than just "it's all over the map". Plus, I enjoy the challenge of getting along with someone highly dissimilar to me) or "get therapy" (Been there, done that. The results have not been particularly invigorating; I'm not concerned about the mental health issues that internet stranger syndrome may diagnose me with, and please do not fall prey to the True Scotsman Fallacy if I point out that all of my almost dozen therapists were not helpful, they simply weren't the "right therapists".)

:P Thanks for reading this crazy long question. I hope you at least enjoyed it.

This really won't let me go. Please be my internet friends and counsel me.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 08:49:19 -0800

How do you deal with a bad social experience that cannot leave you alone for years? This is a (very) long post about a bad social experience that affected my life long term…

About 5 years ago, when I was in school, I decided to join a student organization. It was a decision I made on a whim, and being still very immature, I didn’t really follow up on it after being elected. I did not fulfill my duty and I slacked off. At the same time, I had to spend one semester travelling around with 25 people for university. One of these classmates was also a member of the same student organization, we’ll call her Jane. Jane and I started the semester being friends.

Spending day and night with these same 25 people did not suit me. I was not part of the crowd, and my behavior (I was a loner, and also quite different in many ways to the rest of the group) did not help the social aspect of things. I kind of went on doing my thing and exploring my surroundings, meeting local people, but at the same time I managed to start a relationship with a popular guy in the group.

Now I must say, I have many defects (I am impatient, speak too soon and sound fighty when I’m actually just talking) that were not very favorable in this situation. Towards the end of the semester, then, my new boyfriend started sleeping with someone else in the same class. People started to also openly ostracize me and ignore me, which was really hard. I started hearing all these rumors that were not true at all. In summary, everyone else except for one loyal friend openly hated me, and it was pretty hellish. Nobody spoke to me, they accused me of theft, lies, and kind of outrageous things that were not true. I understand they had a right to dislike me, but they got really, really mean. If it’s worth mentioning, I was 22 years old, and all of us were in our twenties. Jane was the only 30 year old person.

When the semester was over and I had a meeting with the student organization back in campus, Jane (who had started most of the rumors) showed up with a letter signed by all of my classmates except for two. She turned on a cassette recorder, and proceeded to read this horrible letter with my every defect written on it (and some lies, too). She read it in front of a bunch of people, all of them friends, none of them part of this particular class. This felt really invasive. The letter talked about everything from my singing too loudly to not flushing the toilet, and it was long as hell. She read the letter to friends that had had nothing to do with my class, to my sister and to a bunch of unrelated people. It was the most embarrassing thing I have ever been through. This was at around the same time I found out I had been cheated on, and I’m pretty sure the guy I dated shared personal (sex) information with the rest of the class.

So back to the meeting, Jane read on and on, all the while recording my reaction (I was crying) and holding the cassette recorder up so I guess she could go back to my classmates and play the recording to them and they could all hate me together. The letter asked for my resignation on the basis that they didn’t think I was good enough to be part of this association. I resigned and left crying with my sister and a friend, who drove me home. I was really comforting to see this friend and my sister really upset and taking my side, but still I had doubts and I felt like a horrible person.

Now in my head, I know that I wasn’t ready for the responsibility to lead this organization, and I understand their point. But this letter was full of social, personal stuff, and it didn’t have anything that spoke of my leading abilities at all. It was just rumors and reasons why they disliked me personally.

To put it mildly, this letter hurt like hell. I was embarrassed beyond belief, and I became really withdrawn and stopped cultivating friendships. I became a loner, failed subjects at school and I felt kind of traumatized. Everybody in my faculty knew about it, and even more rumors were started. People out side of my faculty and teachers knew, too.

About a year later, Jane apologized, and this provided some closure. But still I find myself thinking about the whole ordeal. I replay it in my head and I feel like crying out of the blue. I imagine what I could have said and things I could have done differently to be liked. I imagine dialogues and think of replies that would have been helpful. Mostly I regret things and I feel really embarrassed. This has happened less and less with time, but it still kind of haunts me, especially when I’m down. I have since graduated, and gotten married, but I just cannot get over this grey cloud that hovers over my head. I feel it was unfair, but I wonder if I deserved it, too.

This happening changed me. It changed my life and it changed my cheerfulness. It changed how I relate to people and my (now very, very few) friendships. It changed me forever.

Could you give me some insights as to how I let this go? Were this people right? Was it fair? Did I deserve this?

I would very much like to forget about this, pretend it never happened. Is it possible?